Oh no, you didn’t.

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Dear Ruth:

WTF. WTF. WTF.

Two letters ago you had just fallen out of love with Elise and now you are ready for  a relationship? Six weeks yo, six weeks to your birthday! You almost almost made it. It was so close ugh. Why?

Actually, don’t answer that. I know why.

I want to be happy for you Ruth, but I am afraid. I must admit this does feel different in many levels: you took your time getting to know her, you are not compromising your needs, she’s willing to wait for you, etc.  You have what polyamorous people label as NRE: new relationship excitement. When you start with someone and you are full of sparks and roses. I know all about it. I am curious to see how this develops and how it’s going to change you.

I am excited for your excitement and I think I found this Lily on the Instagram. I look forward to following this new romantic adventure of yours.

On my end, I am struggling. I am struggling with a lot of things.

I was struggling at work and I advocated for myself, which helped in different ways especially in keeping me busier. Which in turn, keeps me away from my email and less stressed about school stuff. On that end, Mars has spoken and his words were not kind. I have gotten two rejections and no interviews as of today. I must say that is rather early in the cycle (most schools interview into March) but I submitted my app sooooo early. I am struggling to remain patient, but at least the days are going faster now.

This takes me to the next struggle: Plan B. I need to figure out what happens if I don’t get into Medical School and where I will be in a year. I have like 20 ideas but I also have no idea. I wanna be near Cory but I also don’t want to make life decisions based on feelings. This in turn, leads me to my emotional struggles: I’m unhappy with my romantic situation. Key and Princess are wonderful people and we’ve been having great times. We actually went camping this weekend.

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I am unhappy because, first  Princess is not really gay. She identifies as heteroflexible and I am not all that sure how flexible, flexible is flexible. I miss being wanted by a woman and a woman’s touch. We talked and we are going to be friends and continue to date Key, Second and most annoyingly: BABIES. My body decides that once a month I’m at risk of getting pregnant. It’s so stressful to have to worry about contraception  Honestly, the idea of accidental pregnancy bothers me a lot. There’s suddenly a human growing inside of me without my consent? Ugh.

This feels way too familiar. I become discontent with people so quickly. My ex used to say I have chronic dissatisfaction. I probably do.

ON TOP of struggling with my California romances, I am struggling with the Cory situation. I am afraid I am getting lost in the sauce and is clouding my judgement. I want to be with her, I wanna be present, I want to be close. But at the same time, I don’t wanna make big decisions based on another person. I already moved across the country for someone once. I wanna go where the next step on my career is, not wherever my significant other lives. .

It’s hard to live missing people and that is how the last 13 years of my life have been. Never fully at home, always longing, always carrying a burden of nostalgia.

I am unhappy with Cory because she’s going to be in NYC for the next 4-5 years if not more. She’s living the dream and if I move there she’ll have everything she’s ever wanted. Me, in other hand, I am not sure if I can live with the uncertainty of whether she would ever do something that big for me. I have to realize that, sadly, I don’t trust her.

screenshot_2016-10-09-01-41-40Which leads me to the last of the struggles for today: Dating PTSD. Ever since Trace, I cannot trust anyone. I don’t believe anyone who says they love me or that they care about me. I don’t know if Cory seriously thinks of me as partner material (this has a history though). I don’t know how I am going to be able to tell someone lying anymore, I thought I was good at that. Until this person dragged me along for a year pretending to care and I swallowed it whole. It makes me distrust people, it makes me wanna never be intimate with someone. I feel like I naked my soul to a person and they took a picture of it and posted it on facebook. They totally missed the point and violated my heart in the process. I have worked so hard in the healing process but it has been five months and I am exhausted. I don’t wanna do emotional work anymore, I just want to chill and knit all the things.

My best friend Abby was the first to point out how affected I still am by that last break up, how scarred. And I see it and it hurts. I made a mistake, I did not protect my heart, I gave myself away, I wasted a year of my life, I understand it, I accept it, I forgive myself for it.

WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO DO TO FEEL LIKE MYSELF AGAIN?

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I read this poem by Wanheed and it touched me. The opposite happened to me with Trace: I am darker, more jaded, less human. I was not loved. I was used. 

Not all is gloom and doom though. I am actually visiting NYC in a couple of weeks. Gonna see my friends, cousins and Cory of course. I am very excited and counting the days back.

I hope this letter was not too decrepit for you. I did not want to ruin your happiness with my sorrows but this is my reality.

Please have all the love and magic with Lily, you deserve it. Make sure you have enough for the both of us.

Love,
Nora

PS. Seriously though WTF?

Life surprising me, once again

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Dear Nora,

Just when I think I know what’s up, the universe likes to have a good chuckle at me and show me how much I don’t know about life. That’s what’s happened over this past week Nora, and I’ve just had to sit back and laugh and marvel at life’s funny way to twisting the plot. I should have seen this coming, but it caught me by surprise.

You are going to kill me.

I befriended this girl a little while back. Let’s call her Lily. Lily was a friend of a friend and I saw her around occasionally but knew her only in passing. Then, last winter she joined the choir that I’m in, so I started seeing her more regularly. By the time Elise and I broke up in May, we had the beginnings of what seemed to be a promising friendship, and I knew her enough to know she was someone I really wanted in my life.

I decided to make her a friend goal. I felt a strong pull towards her, and I wasn’t quite sure what it was–but I wanted to invest time in getting to know her. Things I did know: I really liked spending time with her, I felt safe and unjudged and ok as-I-am with her, I laughed more with her than almost anyone, I shared things with her that I don’t normally share with people.

Whenever we hung out, it just felt… comfortable and effortless to be around her.

Our friendship began to grow, naturally. She seemed to be just as interested in spending time together as I was. I progressed with my freedom summer of dating and being single, and she was a support and encouragement as I navigated my way. No matter what else was going on, I looked forward to seeing her again. Over the months spent getting to know each other, I had these little thoughts in the back of my mind that I tried to ignore… “I wonder… is there more here?”, “Why do I feel such a strong connection with her?”, “Am I attracted to her as more than a friend?”. I confided in a close friend that I felt like I was developing stronger feelings for Lily, but I wasn’t ready for them yet. I cared so much about her I didn’t want to do anything to squander an opportunity if there was, indeed, a chance that we’d be something. But it only seemed to grow, and it got to the point where I just told myself, “wait. you are going to date her. just not yet.”

And then, “yet” arrived.

We were eating tacos and I was jabbering on about something (have I mentioned I talk more around her than most people? also, that I love trying to make her laugh?) Anyway. And then she said, as though it were just an ordinary thing to say, that she was sorry if this complicated my current dating situation, but she needed to tell me… that she had feelings for me. She said it had been growing for months, and it wasn’t healthy for her to keep holding it in and have it turn into anything negative, left unaddressed. She said she expected nothing in return, and knew where I was at with dating and wanted nothing more than for me to continue with my process. She wanted very much to remain friends, and figured this would just be something she had to “work out”.

It was quite a surreal moment. I sat there a bit stunned, and just suddenly felt that I had already seen this part. Like I had always known somehow that this was going to happen and she and I were just little pieces on the board game of the universe. My heart felt full in that moment. I told her I also had more than just friend feelings, and that I felt the connection too, and had the sense this was something “bigger than me”.

Yes, you might say I’m lost in the sauce. But that implies messiness. This feels like one of the least messy things I’ve done. It feels so right, and I have a sense of peace. She’s something really special. I’ll tell you more about her in upcoming letters. Having the opportunity to get to know her as a friend was so ideal, I couldn’t have planned it this way if I had tried.

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Thoughtful flowers from Lily <3

I am moving forward, intentionally. Knowing how important it is for me (and her!) to keep focusing on my own needs and not giving up who I am for someone else. Not letting my softness become the “worst of me”. And working to focus on things that I know to be true. Seeing her as a real human, not some idealized version I build up in my mind. Being honest with her and myself about where I’m at.

“I choose to love this time, for once, with all my intelligence.”

-Adrienne Rich in Dream of a Common Language

She offered to wait if I needed more time before dating. She asked how she can help make sure I’m taking care of myself. She said the last thing she wants is for me to lose myself in any way. I believe she sees the light in me, Nora, and she wants me to keep shining.

If I told you it’s different this time than it’s ever been, would you believe me? My gut says it is. At least, I think that’s my gut talking. Don’t worry, I am still adequately terrified. But the wave that’s moving me forward is stronger than my fear of starting this. I think if it were anyone but her, I wouldn’t feel ready to start a new relationship. I’m not sure what that means, but I do know I feel safe and known in a way I haven’t in a long time.

I think this is going to be good thing, Nora. Try not to judge me too harshly… I made it to just about 1.5 months out from my 30th birthday!

Naturally I had to end things with Sam once I realized these feelings with Lily were mutual and that it was going somewhere. I knew that continuing with her in any way would most likely end in her getting hurt, since I didn’t see that going anywhere long term. I tried to do it in the kindest way possible.

This whole thing has been a bit surreal, and I’ve had trouble putting it down on the page for you.

I’m going to have to end this letter here, I’ve been traveling quite a bit this week and my train is getting ready to leave. This whole letter is about me, thank you for being a good listener and friend. Let me know how you are doing! I hope you have updates from your canyon on Mars, and that you haven’t been too isolated lately. I think of you often and send out good thoughts to the universe for you.

Feeling all the feels, Ruth

 

I probably love me too much

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Dear Ruth:

I die of waiting when I don’t hear from you. 

Our weekend together was so magical. Your Merengue moves are on point. I loved welcoming you into my life and my home. Toby definitely enjoyed having an extra petter.  I am happy to report your gardening skills are wonderful and all the plants are indeed still alive (and growing!!). The moss seeds I sprinkled everywhere are starting to grow too.  Here’ some proof:

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Now when I tend to my garden, I remember our morning there among laughter and dirt. 

I am also still in awe that I met you. That you are in fact a real human, a sexy beautiful tender human. You are so much softer than I thought possible. The cuddles, the tears, the quiet fun. I see why you get the feels so fast and why some people may not appreciate the kindness of your soul. 

Well, I DO! And in an ideal world in which I don’t need to be a doctor and you are not monogamous, I would fly out to Portland, fall in love with you and marry you. But this is the real world, and I need to go back east to my real life and resume my education. 

lost-in-the-sauceWhen it comes to your love life, I am glad you have reached a comfortable place with Sam and I pray to all the gods that you don’t get lost in the sauce. A little bit of sauce makes Pizza, too much sauce makes a mess. Just keep your feelings at a pizza level and have fun with yourself as yourself. After meeting you I can see why you get lost in the sauce so quickly though. You are very easy to love. You are so soft you are almost fluid, shaping yourself around others. This is both the best and the worst of you, I don’t know how you do it. 

I, being the jaded bitch I am on the regular, find myself friendless and loving it. The day that you left I had a conflict with Pixie over her violating my boundaries. She dd not take it well. She blamed me for her self-harm, her suicidal ideation, her misery, basically her entire cocktail of mental illness is my fault. She decided to stop being my friend after that day because I have no compassion and I kick people when they are down. None of the above is true but those were the reasons she gave me.

 The reasons I find true is that I gave her an ultimatum that if things did not change for her by December I could not be her friend. Apparently that’s a bitch move. In my book, this is a self protective move. She took a lot of my time and energy and refuses to put any work into her recovery. I am a high functioning mentally ill person who will drag her ass out of bed to go to work, who has survived 13 years without a family in a foreign country, who has been left by people over and over and have had to pick myself up. I have limited chances to give. 

Pixie needs a lot more help than she’s getting. We had to put her in the psych ward in May and that was not enough of a wake up call for her to seek recovery. That’s her problem, not mine. MY problem is that I cannot be a bystander. I refuse to have people around me that are drowning and just let them drown, OMG no I have to do something. And when I throw them a rope and they pull me in (instead of pulling themselves out), I have no choice but to let go of the rope, and save myself. 

She accepted none of the responsibility for the conflict that triggered the break up and by the time she said she was out, I had been out. She then proceeded to text EVERYONE we know in common and inform them what a bitch I am. Uhhhh my friends bitch MINE!!! GTFOH!! 

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Jayne, also happened to dump me because she was too jealous. Remember her tantrum at the beach? Finally accepted she’s not over me. She and Pixie probs have a “hate Nora” club, and will most likely start a  “no personal responsibility whatsoever” society soon. I was ready for this break up too, because I could not stand the way she completely abandoned Erin (who basically saved her from homelessness) when Erin’s grandfather was diagnosed with cancer. Jayne is completely unable to stay in a situation that makes her in any way uncomfortable Her comfort is her sole motivation, she leaves at the first sign of struggle, and just like Pixie takes and takes from people. 

On that note, I have been in a really weird mood. Key and Princess have been the bestests at giving me space and respecting my weirdness. I met this girl from meet-up and thought we could be friends but no. I have only met her once and she was asking me to host a meet up for her, I said no to that and she trippin’. BYYYEEEEE

This weekend I realized I dont want to make friends. I dont want to hang out with people. I have so much more fun with myself and by myself. I missed July when everything was about me, when I was focused on my needs and recovering from Trace. I miss ME time and puzzles. I think after having so many relationships that were draining me of my soul, I am finally replenishing my spiritual vitamins. 

I am mostly happy. I have been sleeping a lot and cooking a lot. Taking it easy and being free of anyone else’s needs. I miss Cory a lot. This is my only source of sadness. I would not even mind waiting a year to start medical school if it did not mean waiting a year to be near her. 

On the medical school front, I am sitting on dead silence. I mean, the bottom of the abyss in a canyon in Mars  silence: NOTHING. No news is good news. I have not gotten any interviews but also no rejections, which means I am still being considered. THANK GAIA. I am also gaining more trust at work which makes me extremely happy. 

I must now go and finish making my new shaving cream. I’ve been having lots of problems from shaving (ingrown hair, bumps, itch) and I think it’s time to switch to nature’s way. 

Please stay focused on yourself, and keep writing me letters so I don’t die.

Love, 

Nora

PS: This came right on time. Everyone should think like you 🙂 I LOVE IT. It was a very well timed, very relevant surprised. You get me. 

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Growing roots & embracing imperfections

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Dear Nora,

It feels like a strange dream now that I spent a couple of days with you. Like, I’m not quite positive it was real life. Fortunately I have proof in form of photos and souvenirs. Thank you for welcoming me into your real life world, even if I could only be there for a moment. Dancing salsa (or at least my best attempt), eating breakfast with you and your friends, singing along with Jayne playing the ukulele, laying on the beach with you and Princess and Key. Scratching Toby’s belly and seeing your current knitting projects and helping you with the fairy garden. Snuggling and watching Friends, as though it were just an ordinary thing for us to do on any ‘ole weekend. 

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You are special to me, Nora. That’s why I teared up, a few minutes before I left you (I warned you I’m a big cry baby!). I just love you, and think you’re wonderful, and want you to have all the good things in life. That’s what I was thinking in that moment, but did not say out loud.

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In only a short 3.5 months or so since becoming single, I feel like there have been huge shifts happening within myself.

Being untethered is glorious. I feel bigger, I feel whole, I feel like I’m getting to truly know myself in a new way. Life feels richer.

Do you know what I mean? It’s like, food tastes more flavorful, and the scenery looks more beautiful—summer has been good to me. I’ve been trying new things, going new places, revisiting assumptions.

The best part of all, other than strengthening my relationship with myself, has been enriching other relationships in my life. I’ve been carving out more time for existing friends—and able to invest more into new and growing friendships. I feel like, for the first time since moving to Portland, I am actually seeing some of the roots sprouting from the seeds I’ve planted and finding my people.

Part of my internal shifting also has been falling out of love with Elise. I told you a little about that this weekend. But I am happy to report here that I am no longer in love with her! Woohoo!!! I know it happened gradually, but honestly… it was like I woke up one morning and all those feelings were gone (albeit after good talks with friends, internal processing, time and space, dating new people…etc.). I can see pics and feel no jealousy, I can see her in person and feel in complete possession of myself and my feelings. I love and care about her, yes. But the “in love” feelings are gone, rose colored glasses are removed and compulsion to please her dismantled. I’m not quite ready to be her friend though, and she asks when I will be ready. The truthful answer is, I don’t know. And I don’t have to know right now.

I am 2 months out from my 30th birthday, and doing my (mostly) best to stay on track with being single for the remainder of my 20s. I spent almost a month dating multiple ladies. It was really fun initially. I felt free, and I was having fun sex and cute dates. But within a few weeks, the feelings started to get all up in my business. I was consistently dating two very cool girls, Hannah and Sam. Hannah is total introvert, cutie pie, sweetheart. Artistic and nerdy and a midwestern gal like me who loves cats and bakes and does design and went to a christian college like I did. Essentially, it was a bit like dating myself. Which, I’ll admit, I liked much more than I expected. I’m not used to dating anyone quieter than me! Or more thoughtful than me. I was totally getting some feels for her… and I could see she was getting them for me as well. 

Sam is a very cute, charming, and nerdy mischief-maker who is a sarcastic smartass with a heart of gold. She talks quite a bit and wears all her feels on her sleeve and sometimes reminds me of a frazzled professor in the most endearing way possible. She seems to have her heart in the right place and her head on straight. We have extremely different backgrounds in every way… she’s an only child, raised mostly just by her mom on the liberal west coast, and jewish, as opposed to me… big family, conservative midwest, christian as fuck. I like that we are different, but somehow seemed to have arrived at a lot of the same conclusions and values. I very quickly developed a crush on her, and she on me.

All of that sounds well and good. But I was getting more and more stressed out. And even though both of them knew I was dating other people/someone else, I still started to feel perplexed trying to juggle all of the developing feelings and managing my time and energy spent with both of them. It was draining me and ultimately I concluded I just couldn’t handle continuously dating two people. I didn’t want to necessarily be exclusive with either of them, but I knew I couldn’t keep up pursuing them both without driving myself into the ground and causing someone pain in the end. 

I’d like to say the solution was very apparent to me, but it was not. I was surprisingly torn after only this short time (yet another sign that I needed to make a decision before any attachments grew). Ultimately I just tried to follow my gut and pursue the best fit for where I’m currently at… and I ended things with Hannah, and still am continuing to see Sam. I believe it was the right call for me…but I think about things like “I picked the girl who’s more traditionally ‘my type’ (extrovert, funny…etc.), is that good or bad or just the reality of life/attraction?” “Is there a legitimate reason why I wouldn’t want to be with someone so similar to myself?” “Can I keep feelings and sex separate?” I’m still working on those answers. 

Going forward, my focus right now is dating someone while also being deliberate about meeting my own needs and not giving up my things for someone else. Not being her girlfriend, not even being exclusive (aka “the good wife”) … that role is so comfortable for me… I need some more time outside of it still, I feel that. It’s a push and pull. She wants things, she hopes for things. I like her and per my usual—I feel compelled to people please. But as much as she wants attention, she also seems on board with me doing me (which she damn well better be!), and doesn’t push my boundaries in an unhealthy manner. 

As we move forward, I’m just doing my best to keep in touch with my own needs. I think possibly at some point it could mean not dating at all again. I’ve been feeling an itch for that this week and I’m not quite sure why. I’m trying to avoid making knee-jerk reactions based on feelings, while still listening to my gut. 

Something that’s been on my mind since leaving you has been being comfortable with imperfections. I really enjoyed some of the conversations we had. Even small things that you pointed out—like how I always use recipes all the time when I cook, but if I’d like to learn to cook without needing that, being willing to wing it and try recreating things I’ve made before is a good way to start. Even though it might not always turn out, I will learn from it! I loved how you said your favorite part of your fairy garden was that it exists. It’s not the ultimate Pinterest version, but it’s real and it’s growing and it brings you joy. But I think the thing I appreciated the most was when you were talking about everyone’s obsession with having “no regrets”. And how you’ve accepted that it’s ok to have regrets. I have so little patience or compassion for myself when it comes to imperfections. I regret some things from my relationship with Elise. Not that I would have done differently, not that it wasn’t something I needed to learn from or go through.

Some of my decisions are imperfect parts of me.

But they’re parts of me, nonetheless, and I need to love and accept them too. I’m someone, who when I say or do something that feels out of line with my beliefs I protest “that’s not who I am, that’s not me!” But that’s just the thing, those parts ARE me. I can’t only claim the good things. I am not actually me without my imperfections, regrets, mistakes. 

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I’m not sure if that’s making much sense or not. All that to say, thanks for the talks and the time spent. I hope it’s not another five years until I see your face again. But in the meantime, thank you for writing and being a good friend. 

How have things been this week? How are your dates and baes? Have you been out looking for some new good friends, or taking some needed “me” time? Any updates on medical school applications/interviews? 

Love, Ruth

P.S. I love that now I’ll hear your accent when I read your letters!!!

Poly dates and other tales

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Dear Ruth:

I am very proud of you for investing so much of yourself towards dating. It can be exhausting and disappointing to be honest, but it seems like you are having all the fun. I think different people have different views about what “the point” of dating is. Some think it is the means to an end, the way to find a partner to eventually settle with. Some people do it for the company, or the sex, or the attention (me, me, all of the above). Some people do it out of habit. And honestly, it does not matter. If dating is doing for you what you want it to be doing, if it’s fulfilling its purpose: enjoy it!

I am always jealous of all the camping and nature pictures that you post. I wish I could travel more often and/or camp. I just wanna be among nature, it is so calming.

Sunday dinner with my roommate

Sunday dinner with my roommate

In the romantic department I have updates: celibacy over 🙂  I decided to try this new website for open relationships and met a girl who I’ll call Princess. She is really cute BUT she’s not very experienced with women, which makes me sad because I don’t like being with lesbian virgins. The sex sucks and they still have to go through their whole coming out process. Ugh I already had mine, can I please get a break?

That same week, I went on a hiking date with a guy named Key, and it turns out Key and Princess had met the day before. Basically, we all met each other the same week on separate dates. So we planned to have a three people date and went to have Korean BBQ (which by the was was epic). I’ve seen them a few times only, but I really like the dynamic. And the sex, the sex is great. The two of them spend more time with each other than they do with me, and although this bothered me for a split second, it also makes me extremely happy because it lowers the expectations of HAVING to see someone every so often. I need something low key and casual. I want outings, adventures, attention, sex. But I also need to keep my head in the game of getting into medical school and making friends.

Going out with the dog NOT being social

Going out with the dog NOT being social

As of today, I have not attended any meet-ups like I said I was going to. I have been dealing with lots of other people’s drama and some work stuff. Now that the drama has winded down, I need to start prioritizing my process AGAIN. This is the cycle I find myself in. I am focused and centered: knitting, reading, doing my rituals, working out. Then something happens, drama, stress, sex, anything and I get distracted. I take my eyes off the process and engage with people, neglecting myself until I start to feel miserable and realize it’s because I have not had ME time. Balance It’s hard. Balance does not come naturally to me.

 

My current main stressor is the medical school application process. I have submitted 11 secondary applications as of today, I am waiting for some schools to send theirs as I am debating if I want to add more primary applications NOW or LATER. I don’t know if I am being inpatient or if I am being unwise. Usually applying early is better, but I have applied to schools that I REALLY REALLY want to go too. Any schools left on my list are places I am able/willing to attend, but not particularly excited about. Most of it has to do with LOCATION. I wanna be near NYC. I dont want to be in the city but  within drive-able distance, anywhere I can go visit the city for a random weekend and return home on a Monday for classes would be ideal.

What I need to do right now is chill. I need to relax and go on walks and runs and if by the end of September I have not had any interview invitations, then add more schools to my repertoire. The problem is that I suck at patience. I SUCK AT BEING PATIENT. OMG I cannot even wait for the microwave to beep. It’s fucking horrible. And there’s a few factors, besides my personal flaws, that make it hard to wait.

  1. I am ready to leave california. I stayed here for reasons that I could not control. I basically got stuck here and as grateful as I am for the opportunity to experience the Pacific South, I just have not found a single thing or a single person that anchors me enough. I want to go.
  2. I miss Cory. I want to see her and an interview for a school in the east coast means I get to see her. An acceptance in a school in the east coast means I get to date her. She has told me not to worry about her and to apply everywhere and focus on increasing my chances for admission. But, I want to be with her. I need to be with her. It’s not up to me though, again it’s up to medical school admission committees.
  3. I am old. I am reapplying, I tried this once and failed. I corrected a few mistakes I made last time I applied (applying early, more letters of recommendation, added research to my CV, etc) but the fact that I have been waiting to get into medical school since 2014 means my total wait will be 3 years. And 3 years is a lot.
  4. My friends are in medical school. I really wish I could be experiencing this with them, but for circumstances out of my reach I had to wait until this year to reapply. I am jealous about it, I am sad. I wanna start my education.

As you can probs tell, I have been stressing over this. I stare at my phone hoping for an email. And  I need to chill.

On a positive note, I am so extremely happy and grateful for my friends during this period though. they have managed to remove the biggest stressor of this all: money. The application is so competitive and expensive, that I did not have the resources to do it and thanks to crowd funding I am actually able to afford it. I can see people believe in me, so much that they would give me their money. Every time someone donates I want to cry of happiness. Just think about someone who has not had parental support of anyone give her anything through all of adulthood. Support feels great.

Luckily, you are going to be here this weekend and we are going to get to do all the things. I am hoping we can go to the beach, and hiking, and to West Hollywood to see the gayz in their natural habitat. I am also dog-sitting this weekend so I will have a canine visitor as well as a human visitor (you).

Thank you for writing to me and please dont let so much time pass. I need yo know about all these Portland lesbians I am missing out on.

Cannot wait to see your face (fuck patience)

Love,

Nora

 

Knowing your worth

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Dear Nora,

You never need to apologize for writing me about your hard days. Of course don’t take it down! For two reasons: one—it is real life and that’s what we’re writing about, and two—I’m going to have those days too, and I want to feel free to include them in my letters. Even when things are dark and not a sliver of light shows through.

I knew you had asthma as a child, but I had no idea to what degree it affected your life and family and childhood. I can’t imagine the memories that come flooding back when you get sick with something like bronchitis. Is that a part of why you are going to become a doctor? Or your experiences as an immigrant outside of the healthcare system?

You said “The homelessness that I try so hard to evade, instead invaded me.” While that is devastatingly poetic, it is also heartbreaking. I’m so proud of you for calling your friends, even if they’re not emergency contacts, even if they’re not “home”. They’re there. And “there” goes a long way. I think our lives our essentially just a story about the people who show up. You’re such a beautiful human being my dear, I have no doubt that the wonderful vibes you’re putting out into the world are going to attract some equally amazing humans. But I know that’s now for you, so it’s not helpful. I’m so sorry you’re hurting.

Thank you for spoiling me with two letters and patiently waiting for me to reply. I was telling my friend it’s like Christmas morning whenever I get a new letter from you. I am so impressed by your celibacy and crafting! The boxes are beautiful!

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Camping up in the Olympic National Park this past weekend with friends (including this cute doggie Jazzy!)

 

This is going to sound obnoxious: but it’s an adjustment to not have a partner to have sex with. As a serial monogamist, I’ve just taken for granted that I can have that on the regular. Thus, the online dating. Here’s an update on what I’ve learned so far:

  1. I’m actually not bad at dating. I always thought I would be awkward and shy, but it turns out, after I get over the first few minutes of nerves, I am a great date (brushes off shoulder). I am good at asking questions and carrying conversation, and I laugh a lot and I think even flirt? Still working on that part. I have genuine interest in lots of things and I’m happy with who I am and I think that comes across and I make others feel comfortable too.
  2. It takes all kinds of kinds. There’s someone out there for everyone’s tastes. And as it turns out, there are a few ladies out there who actually like my particular variety of cuteness. I am still surprised every time I discover that.
  3. It really takes off a lot of the goddamn pressure that I’m not looking for a partner right now. I don’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend at the moment (I’ve never truly said that and meant it before), and at this stage that feels very freeing. Because that pressure is off, I am not trying to “convince” anyone I’ll make a good long-term partner, so I’m a lot less filtered and just being free and myself. I feel more light-hearted.
  4. Dating more than one girl at the same time is so foreign to me. But this has also helped take off pressure. I’ve been up front with anyone I’ve gone on a date with about this and so far it’s been received just fine, and dates have led to second dates and third dates and I’m having fun just getting to know some really cool girls who are quite different than anyone I’ve dated before.
  5. When I’m in a relationship, I don’t really get crushes. At least, they don’t develop very far in my mind and I hardly notice them. But holy shit when I’m single… I am getting all sorts of crushes and thinking about lots of possibilities. I think it’s been a good mental exercise of picturing myself with different types of people. (It also doesn’t help that I am horny AF without a girlfriend.)
  6. So far the feelings haven’t been a problem. I mean, other than crushing and just excitement at getting know people I find interesting, nothing overwhelming has taken over and I’ve been able to not get too caught up. I’m proud of me!

I think the only part I’m really struggling with right now is… where does this go? What is the end game? It’s so hard-wired in me that dating leads to relationships. I still know ultimately I will want that again, a monogamous relationship with a partner. But I don’t want that now. So where will these fun new explorations lead? Maybe that’s the point… that’s why they’re explorations because we don’t know where they lead. I guess I’m just not good with that uncertainty.

You’re going to meet-ups! That’s awesome. I’ve made some great friends through meet-ups and just generally it helped me feel less alone after I moved here. I don’t really love the ones that are just like “meet and greets” because it feels more awkward to introverts such as myself, but any activity-based outing, such as playing kickball or board games or book clubs or capture the flag have been so much fun. I think if nothing else, it’s a good reminder that there are a lot of other people in your town who feel kind of alone too, and are also looking for connections… I find that comforting. We’re all alone, but also, kind of in the same boat. Now I see when Elise has RSVP’d for the same events as me though, so I’ve been going to less. But conveniently, I’ve been filling up my time with friends and dates and me-time anyway, so it’s ok.

If last month’s theme was “restoration” for me, this month’s is “know your worth”. I had this fear that if I stop dating these fun life-of-the-party girls I would stop being invited to things.

But the truth is, I’m pretty fucking spectacular on my own, and it turns out people like having me around just for me.

I already “knew” that, but I’m starting to really believe it. I feel a bit like I’m starting over in Portland. Defining myself apart from her, knowing my worth apart from her.

I made this list of things for therapy that make me feel happy and like “me”, back when I was still with Elise and really struggling with some anxiety and depression. At the time I had to consciously make myself do them. The other day I pulled out the list and I had done every single one of those eight things that week without even trying. Being alone has allowed me to naturally take care of myself, and it just fills me up to overflowing and I have more energy to give to others now too. It’s like the more I invest in myself, the more there is to invest in others.

took a selfie in the elevator because I was feeling exceptionally cute that day before a date

took a selfie in the elevator because I was feeling exceptionally cute that day before a date

My “body issues” feel so fucking cliché it makes me mad just thinking about it. The fact that I look in a mirror and care that I have “extra weight” bothers me 1,000x more than the weight itself. When I don’t focus on a stupid arbitrary standard of what my body “should” look like to “be sexy” then I actually often feel sexy and healthy and good. Unfortunately, it is drowned out far too often by a voice calling out my imperfections. That voice speaks a message so far off of my values that I’m embarrassed I can even hear it. I told my friend the other day “I just find it hard to believe I’m anyone’s actual type. I’m too big to be skinny, but not quite big enough for plus size, I’m just this awkward in-between.” So I relate to you on the “not enough” fears. I likewise have never been the most feminine or masculine, just sort of a blah in-between. I guess that would sum up my general feelings on my body… I’m a blah in-between.

So those are my fears and issues. Luckily that’s not the whole story. I’m learning and working to love myself better. To physically accept myself as-is, and not just waiting to love myself when I’m x number of pounds thinner. Honestly, part of that lately has just been accepting affection and attention and compliments, without holding my breath thinking it’s only a matter of time before she sees my imperfections.

I don’t want to be yet another woman who lives her whole life in disgust and displeasure with her own body. What an utter waste, and a sad way to inhabit my physical self. I am healthy and strong and yes, even sexy. My body deserves love and acceptance and care.

I am so excited for whatever you have planned for us in L.A. I’ll be there soon!

Love, Ruth

P.S. take your vitamins (I liked your smiley face calendar system, by the way)

A decent letter

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Dear Ruth,

Thank you for waiting patiently until I am able to answer you properly. I am sorry that my last letter was such a downer. I thought about taking it down but then realized the down moments are just as real as everything else, so I kept it.

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Every day in July that I did not have sex. Success!

Detox July worked very well for me. I feel like I am more in touch with myself and my body. Especially after getting bronchitis towards the end, it felt almost…cleansing. I am still debating if I am going to continue to be celibate or if I am ready to put myself “out there”.

I did a lot of thinking about it during the bronchitis week as I crafted these pretty boxes. They are wrapped in pieces from the maps and brochures I collected during the trip.

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I was talking to my therapist about why I keep answering Trace’s messages if I am pretty clear they don’t belong in my life. We came to the conclusion that it is because I am bored and lonely. So I wanna try to be less bored and less lonely so I can stay away from unhealthy people and toxic dynamics. I 100% believe we were together out of loneliness, especially since I met them at such a vulnerable moment: I had just broken up with my ex (we were still living together), I did not have a single friend in LA, etc. They are also a loner and could use the attention. This is the kind of bond that I do NOT want. Ever again.

That being said, I am going to start going to meet-ups, which I have tried before to no avail. And just being more social, which I suck at because people are evil. But I figured I have a year left in LA and I want to make the best of it. I don’t want any more heartbreak or intense feelings or crazy bitches. I just wanna go outside, share time with others and get some attention. Sounds so simple, but it’s so complex.

I am planning on getting involved in all the queer and polyamorous meet-ups and groups that I can find. I wanna be surrounded by my peoples!

I oscillate, with pendulum like precision, between “I’m never dating again because humans suck” and “I want attention, please date me”.

Since I cannot make my mind up, I am allowing the dichotomy to exist until the scales tip one way or the other. It’s weird to be in love with someone in the back of your mind, like I am with Cory. She’s so present and so absent at the same time. She’s real in my heart but fully removed from my reality. I don’t know if we’ll ever be together and it’s not up to me, more up to my medical school location.

I am happy to hear about your restoration. It’s huge that you are able to be friends with Kay and stay away from Elise until you heal. I cannot believe Elise found you in a bar and you guys had a moment. HOW GAY! It sucks that you are still in love with her and it bothers you to see her with someone else. And for the record, you are not being mean and cold. You are being a responsible human, doing self preservation and prioritizing yourself. That my friend is maturity.

I cannot believe Elise: she has a new gf, makes sure you know that she’s SO over you, expects you to be her friend and be “happy for her”. Bitch, please. BYE.

You owe her nothing. You do not owe her love or friendship or even a text back. You take care of yourself (she’s doing that, isn’t she?) and live happily ever after among cats.

I am incredibly proud of you for joining the world of online dating and I desperately need updates. I am curious to see how the relationship between sex and feelings changes in your head. Getting outside of your comfort zone is always a good step towards change. If you want things to be different you need to ACT differently. I have to go out and be social (ugh) in order to be less lonely and bored, and hence less vulnerable to unhealthy patterns. You get to go on dates and have some NSA fun in order to stay out of relationships, which is your pattern.

That my friend is putting in the work. Doing things that do not come naturally to us. We deserve an award.

I am curious about your body issues and where they originate from. I feel like the queer community can be very accepting of all kinds of looks, but there’s also a jugful eye out for the “not gay enough. Like us. The theme of my body issues is “not enough”, not masculine enough to read as gay, but not feminine enough for Colombian standards, not thin enough to be stick size, not thick enough to be plus size.

What kind of body issues do you struggle with?

To answer your question about August, my monthly challenge is to take my vitamins. I have been terribly undisciplined with them. I am also hoping to get laid but I don’t want to go out of my way for it. I am hoping there are cute people at the polyamorous meet-ups, would not mind dating a couple.

I am planning our weekend together in LA and I cannot wait for you to get here.

Hurry Up

Love,

Nora

PS. Got this done. 

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Alone-ness

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TRIGGER WARNING: It’s depressing. If you are having a bad day, do not read it.

Dear Ruth:

I try to not be a complete self absorbed asshole and respond to your last letter as I update on my life but today I cannot. This letter is going to be a word vomit of my pain and my loneliness and all the negative feelings that have been roaming my heart.

First, I should tell you that I am PMSing. Hence, depression comes by to say hi, every month on schedule. Sometimes I nod to it and smile, acknowledging its existence but not giving in. This time I have little energy left after the hell of a week I have had, and it has me.

Wednesday morning I woke up with a cough. It seemed like an average cold except my body was in pain, I attributed muscle ache to the PMS and went to work for the next two days. Thursday night I drugged myself on cough medicine and went to bed. I woke up in a puddle of boogers, drool and my sweat. I showered and got dressed for work before realizing that I was not functional. Friday morning at 7am, before it even opened I was at the door of the Urgent Care Clinic. Dr. said it was bronchitis and I got pain meds and antibiotics. Jayne and Pixie came over to hang and brought me plenty of fluids.

I spent all Friday and most of Saturday on the couch. Having difficulty breathing until I realized it was not getting better. Second trip to Urgent Care Saturday night. I ended up getting a shit load more drugs to deal with the shortness of breath and had to buy a nebulizer the next morning, so I can give myself the treatments and not run to the clinic every time I am suffocating.

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At Urgent Care, Saturday night.

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At home with the nebulizer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Besides the constant feeling an asphyxia, the random pains, spasms, fever, a nose that has been running marathons the last few days and other even grosser symptoms, I have to deal with regression. I have had asthma since childhood. I spent says, sometimes weeks in the hospital. It changed my upbringing and made me into the melancholic over thinker I am. You become this way when you near death pretty often.

Pixie and Toby at the pharmacy waiting with me

Pixie and Toby at the pharmacy 

My entire immediate family were having a trip this weekend to Cartagena, Colombia, a few hours away from Barranquilla where they live to see some cousins that went to visit from the US. My friends in New York City were having Dinner somewhere in Bay Ridge. Cory was moving into her new dorm. I felt so alone. And for good parts of the weekend I was not alone at all. I saw my rooomate, my ex, Jayne and my friend Pixie who took me to UC visit 2 and drove me around to get the medicine and the nebulizer.

But I felt so alone. I felt the weight of the life I chose for myself away from my family into a vast land of loving strangers where I will always be foreign. The homelessness that I try so hard to evade, instead invaded me. I could not think of an emergency contact. I did not know who to tell at first that I was sick. The only person who I told how miserable I was was my BFF who lives in NYC.

I was stuck in regression. I remembered bitterly the times I ran to the ER with Trace and how I dont have someone to do that with me. I remember the times in New York where I would go weeks sick. Undocumented and uninsured, I was always afraid of the seeking medical attention. My roommate worked at a pharmacy and would get me antibiotics under the table. I would get inhalers as gifts from random kind people who understood. Dragged myself to the ER more than once though, always alone.

Regress even more into childhood. My family made miserable by my health problems. My insurance card got lost EVERY single time. My father would yell and become violent. I cannot stand him to this day. My mother taking care of me, my sisters, my brother, her job, finances and her abusive unfaithful good for nothing backward glance of a husband. Asthma the only inheritance I received from him. I left them I escaped. I moved away from this dysfunctional shitty environment and chose the American Dream.

Here I am, so many years later still as alone and just as broken. Hustling, fighting struggling. On my own for a while now (eleven years of independence to be exact), my resilience is exhausted. I want my reward for all those years of hard work. I want to not have to worry about money when I am sick (I have insurance though, which is a HUGE progress from where I started). I want partners who meet me all the way and commit. WHY DO MOTHERFUCKERS NOT COMMIT!?!?!?!?!?

I just wanna stay with someone and share life. I am tired of break ups, falling in love with the wrong people, dysfunction, disappointment, abandonment. I am tired of being the orphan, the homeless wanderer, the ship without a port. I want to look at a form, see the words Emergency Contact and not cringe. I want to have someone near, who I know will be there.

This may never change. Someone may or may not come. I may one day or perhaps never have a family. And I live every day in patience, love, and gratitude. Ignoring the uncertainty and rising above the loneliness. But not today. Today I feel how alone I am in every cell of my body and every crevice of my soul.

I am going back to work tomorrow. I hope is up from here and that I menstruate soon enough to stop lamenting. I am sorry if this letter is not what you are used. I have to live with this gigantic monster called depression that sometimes chews its way of the cage.

Thank you for reading this and I hope it was not too self piteous.

I promise you a decent piece of epistolary literature next time, when it stops raining inside my head.

Love

Nora

My only emergency contact

My only emergency contact

Detox and Restoration

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Dear Nora,

How has detox July been going for you? How are you handling the aloneness?

I definitely relate to the missing people, missing events, missing … it all. That was the biggest drawback when I chose to move out to Portland. I knew only one person, a cousin, when I moved out the Portland. Everyone else that had filled my life was going to be 2,000 miles away and go on with their lives without me. Our situations are different in this regard though, because for me—I had always seen my dream future and life being out here, and I was doing it solely for me. I wanted it enough to believe it was worth transitioning every other relationship into a long distance one, in order to start and build the life I wanted in the place I felt I belonged. That sounds so selfish. But no one who loved me wanted anything less than that for me. So now, I only see my loves on short trips to the Midwest, and in the meantime, follow from a distance and send bits of love their way, welcome any visitors, and hint to everyone that they should move here.

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Some of the loves I got to see in the Midwest

Feelings don’t always have to “make sense”. I even write that begrudgingly, because I find it unsatisfying. But as my therapist reasoned with me—feelings are by nature not thoughts or logic. They can be associated with those things, but sometimes they just…exist. And demand to be felt. That’s how my anger with Elise is right now. Not logical. I have no “right” to be angry with her. We broke up mutually. She moved on. I don’t wish we were still dating. So why da fuq am I mad? The only reason I’ve been able to conjure up is: I am sad. I still am in love with her. I didn’t “want” to break up… but I knew we needed to. And also, I feel guilty for the pain I caused her, because I don’t think she “wanted” to break up either, even though we agreed it was for the best. All of these feelings are… less than happy… and I think seeing that she gets to just “be happy” with someone else and essentially forget about all of this feels like a punch in the gut. Thus, the anger. I don’t have her ability to move on so quickly, I am going to have to work through this a bit longer, and it just doesn’t feel fair she gets to jettison away, leaving me in a pool of shit feelings. That quote that you sent was a good reminder of that as well. Not everything is fair… live with it.

Taking space apart has been the best remedy so far though. We did run into each other about a week ago, and I definitely wasn’t prepared for it. My heart fell into my stomach when I saw her walk into the bar. She bee-lined to me and I could tell was happy to see me. We talked for a good bit, and I was either smiling just because, I love her, or crying because… feelings, and then eventually I had to just shut off the feelings altogether to get through the situation. She apologized for hurting me, and I apologized for hurting her. And we cried and hugged a bit (it’s not truly a lesbian bar until someone is hugging and crying). But I also told her I’m not ready at all yet. She kept asking when we could be friends. “Not yet, but I hope eventually”, was all I could offer. She said she’d wait as long as it took. It was mostly “good”, thank GOD her new gf wasn’t there I would have been mortified, but afterwards I still felt shitty and shaken up. She did make it a point to tell me how “over me” she was, and said “I wish you could just be happy for me, I would be happy for you”… but at least she acknowledged we are just… very different in the way we heal. She said I’m being mean and cold, and I explained I am just doing what I have to do to give myself space to heal. I’m not going to apologize for that, not talking and being stand-offish to her to take care of myself is a world apart from being cruel.

The theme of my July has been “restoration”. I feel like I’m restoring myself to things I had lost touch with that make me who I am.

I got to see important friends and family this month, and I’m working on building stronger friendships here in Portland. And then also, I got back in touch with my ex, I’ll call her Kay. The 6.5 year ex. We had spoken very little since I moved out here 1.5 years ago. I was dating Elise, she was dating someone too. We both moved on with our lives separately from one another. We proved to ourselves we are just fine apart, she was doing her hard work, I was doing mine. Recently mutual friends of ours started dating, and it’s opened up the channels of communication. She made a stop in Portland while doing a cross-country road trip, and we were able to spend some time together talking about how our lives have been since parting, ways we’ve grown and what we’ve learned. Nora, it was so good. It felt like I had my friend back, which was always the best part of our relationship anyway. All of my negative feelings towards her have resolved—I have no anger, resentment, jealousy, hurt… any of that. When I look at her now, I just see this person I love, who knows and loves me well. It feels like a pure kind of love, and everything I was hoping we would be able to regain. The romantic feelings are gone for me, I had to let go of those to heal, but I feel finally ready to have her back in my life, and she wants that more than anything. I could and would be fine without her, but it makes my heart happy to call her my friend, and I’m so proud of the ways she’s grown. I was explaining to my sister… if both of us are in a place where we’re ready to be friends, and it’s a positive thing, why wouldn’t we be? It’d be a sad waste to throw away a person with whom I have mutual love and respect and who knows me so well, and has seen me through the last 9 years of my life, just for some principle or grudge. She made mistakes and hurt me, but I’ve forgiven her… and she won’t hold my heart in that same way anymore.

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Kay & I

Anyway, that’s all of my reasoning. But ultimately, it just made me happy to see her and catch up. I’m glad she’s saved room in her life for me, and I can definitely make room in mine for her as well. All of this has just given me hope that I can and will get to this point with Elise too.

You said: “I am setting boundaries for myself on how I relate to people and what I am willing to put up with vs what is not negotiable.” That is my task at the moment as well.

First, with friends and others. And then going forward, in the context of a relationship. I’m getting better at saying no to things and not worrying about trying to please everyone. But it’s going to be a really good area for growth. I’ve started dabbling in a dating app, just dipping my toe into the pool. Seeking out only friends or friends-with-benefits situations, I think this is going to help exercise my boundary setting, as well as figuring out more of what I like or don’t like, and need. I’ve never really casually dated or “whored around” and I’ve always said it’s because I’m afraid I’ll get the feels. But then I also realized, I’ve only ever slept with people I already had feelings for, so of course I associate it with that. I think it could be good for me to get a little outside of my comfort zone, and to know my worth independently. It feels good to not have anyone have power over me, to own my own power. Anyway, I don’t know know where I’ll go with it, but I’ll keep you updated. I think it also will help challenge my negative assumptions and feelings about my body and help me feel empowered. We should talk more about that some time, I think I could easily write a whole letter on it. Luckily Portland is a very sex positive, body positive type of community.

I am mine. before I am anyone else’s*.
And I am preparing the space to allow myself the room to grow. *from a poem by Nayyirah Waheed

How about you, what does August hold for you my dear? Single and ready to mingle? I am so happy to have you as a friend.

Love, Ruth

P.S. I get to meet you in like a month! I’m so excited!
P.P.S. I am so sorry about the lack of Trigger Warning—totally fail on that, I was kicking myself. I will be more mindful of that in the future.

Learn to live with it

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Dear Ruth:

I have previously taken the personality test and my assessment was always INFJ “Advocate”, this time around I got INTJ “Architect”, so maybe I am evolving, like the pokemons people keep trying to catch on the streets.

I am happy you got to see your family and spend time with them. I have not seen mine in a few years and It’s pretty sad. How we miss someone else’s life. This is one of the reasons I am trying to move back east. I am tired of missing. Missing people, missing events, missing occasions. I am in so many long distance relationships. It is not worth it. Life is meant to be lived surrounded by loved ones. But I still got one more year in California, until next fall when I begin medical school

This week was a turmoil for me. First, I walked into this quote on facebook:

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Not everything has an explanation

Not everything has an answer

Not everything makes sense

Not everything is fair

Not everything is logic

Learn to live with it.

And I went into crisis. Like crying without pants, don’t walk the dog, hopeless, sobbing crisis.

I have been trying so hard to make sense of my time in California, to find meaning in a time in my life that seems to have set me back instead of forward, a downgrade rather than an upgrade. I have gone over my decision making process over and over, looking for the fault and I could not find it: moving to California was a good choice at the time. I did not know shit was gonna hit the fan, then it was gonna start oscillating and it was going to end up in short circuit with burned shit all over my life. I took a step, and it did not work out. It does not mean anything.

According to my therapist, we can assign meaning to things. It sounds rather arbitrary but is the approach I am taking. I have forgiven myself for coming here and the mistakes that followed and I am grateful for all the good things I have had in California that I could not have anywhere else.

When it comes to me dating Trace, Cory says “Sometimes you date trash and there’s nothing you can do about itt”. I don’t consider Trace to be trash but our situationship was pretty much garbage. I saw my dog today excited about me putting food in the trash because he gets to eat it. He thinks the garbage is a box of goodies. That is literally how it was with me and Trace: me being happy for the little pieces of shit they threw my way. They finally decided to drop off my things and I said thank you and we had a positive interaction. They still want friendship (or so they say, I don’t believe them. I think they are trying to give me a consolation prize which I don’t need. I fucking lost) and I still said no and they seem to understand my reasons.

I am working on forgiving myself for staying in that pitiful situation for so long in the hopes that one day my gestures would be reciprocated. What a stupid bitch.

Crisis averted successfully by therapist.

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The Only True Love

I also heard from Jayne this week and she’s still hurt by my cruel mean comments but willing to try again for a friendship. I am willing to try again too, in August. July has been a month of no sex, no dating, no drama, etc. A detox period. And I want to keep it as that. I am setting boundaries for myself on how I relate to people and what I am willing to put up with vs what is not negotiable. It is taking me a while to figure it out but I am embracing the process.

 

Dogs are forever too

Dogs are forever too

Just like you, it seems. I 100% encourage to get a cat because 30th birthday plus forever alone seems like the perfect combination Maybe I’ll teach you to knit and then you would officially be cat lady: the best title anyone can ever aspire for. Is there a way you can get your old cats back? I think you having cats and establishing that as your primary commitment would be great. I am 100% committed to Toby. Like if my landlord says get rid of dog or move, Toby and I would be sleeping in a big pile of cardboard boxes. Bitches go and bitches go. But cats, cats are forever.

I am reading Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed and girl have I cried. My favorite quote so far is “Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal.” I love her voice.

BUT BUT have you heard of Trigger Warning? This books has a lot of sex, and abuse and incest and I needed a trigger warning. In a bad day, this kind of in-your-face approach to abuse can send a survivor spiraling down. I have a history of sexual abuse and though there’s no way for you to have known that, always err on the side of caution and write Trigger Warning around materials like this

My favorite part of being alone is not shaving. WHO DA FUCK INVENTED SHAVING? My legs are going through a devolutionary period in which they return to their more primate ancestors. They are so prickly my friends don’t wanna sit next to me. This is how I feel about it:

fucks

 

On Colombian poison: I TOLD YOU SO. My ex-gf started dating while we still lived together. I had to see her get all ready and stay home crying because I did not even have friends to go hang with. I do not think anyone can move on that fast. She waited only a month to make it official, what she wants? a fucking cookie? I really don’t see the point in dating that soon after a relationship and dragging poor innocent lesbians into your personal mess. Elise does not sound like she knows what she’s doing and since her actions and her words don’t match I am all for you taking space from her.  

Just keep in mind that her actions are not a comment on your person. Who you are and what you two had is completely independent from her current behavior. This is what I personally call the “whoring-out” post break up. I have done it at times. The sense of freedom that you can mess around is wonderful. It’s treating cancer with an analgesic but that’s her process. Let her have it. In the words of Neil Gaiman “Do your own time”.

I am so happy you met and Cory and AJ. I miss them terribly. I wish I was still traveling and seeing nature instead of adulting. You are more than welcome to visit Labor’s day weekend or whenever it strikes your fancy. Toby loves visitors and I would love to meet you and confirm that you are in fact a real human.

I must now go and type a statement for a gofundme page I am working on in order to afford my medical school applications. I’ll share when I am done.

I would like some updates about your forever-alone plan and if you are considering casual hook ups as a possible hobby. I need someone to live vicariously through.

Thank you for being a good friend,

Love 

Nora