Tag Archives: summer

Big Love

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Holy shit Nora,

I am so sorry for what you are going through with Toby. I wish he could talk to you too. But I know he’d just say “Nora, you’ve taken such good care of me and I love you so much”. It is breaking my heart that this decision is falling on you. I hope for your sake he passes on his own. I don’t think it’s selfish for you to want that at all. Someone making that decision for someone they love so much is such a fucked up thing to have to do, but I know it is unavoidable sometimes. Is there someone who can be there with you if it comes to that? I don’t want you to do this on your own! Call a friend from New York and have them hop on a train. Get some support there, stat. I mean it.

Your story of the bird was beautiful and sad, but I’m glad you received that message from the universe. It’s ok for you to not know what to do here. It’s ok for you to not be able to pull the plug. It’s ok for you to not be ready to let go.

There is no right and wrong here. Sometimes there’s just an unfair and sucky situation. You love the shit out of that little dog, and any way you choose to handle this ending is right.

Have every ounce of compassion for yourself you can muster. Toby wants that for you. He knows how much you love him, no matter what. This is NOT an easy one to let go of, temporary as all things are. I know you accept that things can’t be forever, but that doesn’t mean you have to be ok with it. That doesn’t make it not hurt like hell.

It feels kind of dumb talking about my intergalactic rainbows when you’re going through this. Even though my head is in the clouds right now, I’m still here Nora! Seriously reach out if you need someone to talk to going through this. Or text me. Or email. Just don’t do this alone. I know you CAN do it alone. But you don’t need to.

My intergalactic girl is named Jessie. She came out of nowhere (well, technically we met through mutual friends). My fear over the past couple of years has been that something inside me broke after Kay and I’d lost the ability to fall deeply in love in a lasting way. Like I was destined forever to find wonderful people, but not have all of the passion & peace I once had. Meeting Jessie has not only proven that fear wrong to me, but exceeded all of my expectations of what I could feel for someone.

Me, in love.

Please excuse me while I wax poetic for a bit.

I’ve never felt so sure of a relationship. On my deepest soul level.

This experience is so profound I’m lacking vocabulary for it. Is there something in Spanish to describe this? “In love” doesn’t do it justice. In love sounds like my heart–but this is all of my cells, and my heart and soul and brain… lit up. That’s what it is… she lights something in me that no one has ever lit before, something I didn’t know was there. That’s the best way I can describe it.

I realize by normal measurements of time this doesn’t make any sense. But I feel like it’s being measured on a different level. Nothing else has felt this balanced. We’re both all in. How the actual fuck does that happen??

possessed-by-aliens-cookie-baking

I have been in love before and dated wonderful people. I’m not discrediting those experiences. But I have never fallen so hard and so right, so that something has felt this good. I’m having trouble touching back down to earth.

My heart doesn’t feel big enough to contain all that I’m feeling and I’m afraid it’s going to explode. In so little time!

I feel like loving her is going to expand my heart bigger than it’s ever been.

All of my gut stuff and resistance stuff feels like it makes sense now. Yes I was mad at it, (I didn’t realize you hate my gut too! You should join the official “we hate Ruth’s gut club”). But it’s like I was trying to guard this spot for her, but I didn’t know that’s what I was doing. My gut has just been doing a happy dance since I met her, and it’s like I felt this big sigh of relief. The resistance and restlessness is gone. No more fighting my singleness or dating-ness. No more arbitrary dates or goals or fighting for balance. I am exactly where I want to be. I want to be hers. I want her to be mine. Signed, sealed, delivered.

Do you think there are things that are parts of us that exist outside of time and place and know better than our present selves?

I know I sound like I’m on drugs right now, and honestly it feels that way a little bit. We are both afraid the other person is going to snap out of it, while simultaneously insisting that “I am not going to”. From the outside I’m sure we’re insufferable. When I’m around her I just want to… stare into her eyes and have some point of physical contact at all times. When I’m not around her I think of her all the time. I cannot NOT smile when I’m looking at her. I laugh all the time. I cuddle in as close as humanly possible and it’s still not close enough. I want to know every layer of her that makes her who she is. The good and the bad.

be still, my heart

Physically I feel so, so good with her Nora. We have a shit ton of chemistry and it’s like I just can’t get enough of her. Everything about her turns me on and it’s like she IS a strand of a drug designed just for me. It’s flowed so naturally and is amplified by all of the out-of-this-world feels.

I keep trying to confirm that she is real and not a dream. I will report back here if I discover she’s been an illusion all along. But it does feel like I’ve met my actual dream girl, and even though the romantic side of me is ready to accept that reality, the cynical, logical side of me is still saying “whaaa?? this is too good to be true…” 

I swear I haven’t lost all sense. It’s just…. it’s worth it. No matter what happens. She’s worth it. I’d risk it all for her. Even if this ends in my heart totally broken—I can’t not try with her. I suppose I may read these words later and weep. But I know I’m not going to regret going all in. I believe I deserve a really big love, and I’m doing this for myself. 

If you meet your dream girl, and you have a chance with her, is there really any other way to proceed other than going all in? Faint heart never won fair lady, after all.

Time is going to teach me things in this. I know it’s early. I know we have so much to learn about each other. My eyes are open. I haven’t forgotten the lessons the past 3 years have taught me. I feel that I am only here right now because of the things I’ve learned. I am only ready for her because of the work I’ve done for myself.

Ok, I think that’s probably enough for one letter. I don’t want your eyes to get tired from all of the eye rolling. 😛 Just accept me as I am Nora! You know I’m a hopeless romantic.

We received a really beautiful letter from a reader who I will call Jane. I am going to publish it shortly. I’m still thinking about a reply. I know it is addressed to me, but I think it’d be valuable for both of us to weigh in on it if that’s something you’d like to do. Look for it soon!

I love you and I’m sending all the good thoughts and love to you and Toby.

Love, Ruth

A (Willing) Fool for Love

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Dear Nora,

Let me just start by getting this out there, because I can’t even pretend it’s not happening:

I was minding my own business on my dusty trail, and then there she was. Nora, I have no. words. I am dead. She is either going to break my heart or keep it.

I would say I am falling hard, but that’s not even the right description. I’m jumping, or being pulled, or both. Jumping out of an airplane, falling and really, really hoping my parachute opens…

But every cell in my body told me I needed to jump. And now, for better or for worse, gravity doing what it does best.

You know how I said I’ve been dating not to lose? This one I am dating 100% to win. I want to have no regrets. If she doesn’t pick me in the end, I don’t want it to be because I held anything back. OhmygodIcannotmessthisup.

To my amazement, I have no hesitations. It is a pure “hell yes”.

Also, btw, an alien has taken over my body and my brain and I have zero control over any of my faculties at the moment. Like, it is almost midnight right now and I’m baking her cookies because she likes cookies. A normal, sane person doesn’t do that. They bake at reasonable times, and not after 2-ish dates. Aliens do that (I assume?). I have no appetite, I’ve been getting little sleep. The butterflies are ridiculous. I am always counting down the days and hours until I see her again. She’s going to do me in.

The most INSANE part of it all? She seems to be feeling the same. All of it. What is happening??

If I write you next time and I’m a puddle of mush after my fall, please just refer back to this post. I know I will sound like an idiot when I say this, but I’m going to say it anyway: this one is different. Laugh all you want. The world can look at me and think I’m a fool. I definitely should not be writing about this so soon. But honestly, I don’t give a fuck. I am a fucking fool for love. There is nothing casual about this for me and I can’t even pretend that it is.

ANYWAY.

I was thinking the other day about how I should probably feel dumb about things I’ve written on this blog. Because I feel things strongly, and I write about them, and then things have changed and life happens and I learn things and afterwards I look back and sometimes judge myself for what I was feeling.

But then I decided, you know what? I’m not ashamed of who I am. I like that I see possibilities, and I go all in, and I take risks. If someone judges me for that, so be it. I’m honest with people about my feelings and I’m not careless with the feelings of others, to the best of my ability. Somehow I’m always bobbing back up to the surface, just as hopeful as though I’d never dipped below. Some lessons learned – of course. But hope suppressed? Seemingly never.

Security is mostly a superstition. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold…. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. (Helen Keller)

Me and the universe are playing a fun game right now where I write something on here, and then it proves it wrong (the universe is winning the game). For example: I wrote I was looking for –”Falling in love… not in a dramatic, flash of lighter fluid burst of flame, but in a slow and steady build of warmth–lit for a longterm burn.” HA.

first date = perfection

*ahem* Ok, now to respond to your letter. My apologies for my incoherent ramblings. Don’t blame me, blame the aliens.

You covered so much ground in your letter! I can’t even believe what a whirlwind you’ve been in. Are you exhausted? You have been undoubtably slaying 2017 like it’s your job. Also happy to hear you’ve made time for some new boos and for “lips with the magic of the oceans”. You are overdue and you deserve that. Get some!!!

borrowed from instagram

I had an audible reaction of disbelief to your statement about being 30 and having nothing (not that you’re not entitled to your own feelings about this, but I’m going to respectfully disagree). You have huge accomplishments! You moved to a new country as a teenager and fluently learned a second language. You have supported yourself for so long! You put yourself through school and now you’re working to further your education, with your sights set on medical school! You’ve moved across the country twice. You’ve made good friendships. You write this lovely blog with me. You are a wonderful dog mother. You know yourself deeply. You totally “still got it” at thirty, but more than that I think all the best things are still to come for you. You have worked hard and set yourself up for an exciting future full of love and career prospects you’re passionate about. You are loving yourself and shedding unwanted baggage. You’re in a growth period and that’s not always glamorous, but it is the part you should be most proud of. How can you say you’ve done nothing with your life? You put most thirty-year-olds to shame. In SPITE of financial stress AND lack of support system, you are persisting. 

Plus, you’re an excellent knitter.

There is this quiz called American Dream Score, created by PBS. I think you should take it. I took it and I got a 60, which basically means the majority of factors have been in my favor in life. I want you to take this quiz and then tell me you’ve accomplished nothing at 30. 

A fifteen month pre-medical school program sounds intense. I will try to be more patient with letter responses while you are focusing on studies.

I love seeing all your pictures. (If you love all the greenery of the Philly area, one of these days I’m going to get you out here to the PNW and I will take you to see all the wonders. In my 2.5 years here my jaw still drops.) But perhaps I should take a trip out to Philly sometime! Maybe next year I can get back out to the east coast.

This is the actual blue of a pool tucked away in the woods of Oregon. It turns blue because the water runs through the mountain instead of down a waterfall, and picks up minerals. But I like to believe it’s just magic.

I hope your new community forms quickly, but also that the right people come into your life for this stage.

Ok, I know this is getting long. But I need to talk to you about “the one” for a minute. We seem to be misunderstanding each other on this. I must not be explaining this well.

My two cents:

What the one is not: a single person walking on the face of the earth who is literally the only person I can end up with and be happy with.

What the one is:
The one is the one my heart will feel at rest with.
The one is someone my gut confirms feels right.
The one is the one I will invest all the work of a relationship in.
The one is the one I will feel every cell in my body at peace when I’m curled up next to her.
The one is my biggest, deepest love yet.
The one is someone my soul will recognize.
The one is the one I will still be able to hold onto 100% of myself with.
The one is the one my mind will feel content with.
The one is who I would move heaven and earth to love and support.
The one is the one who sees me as her one too.
The one is someone who’s all in with me, and I’m all in with her.
The one is someone I will fight for once I’ve found her.
The one is the one I will choose to keep by my side.
and I will keep her by my side for as long as life lets me.
whether it’s 3 months. Or 3 years. Or 3 decades.

And if life takes her from me, I may search for “the next one” as long as my heart is still wanting to find that. 

I don’t think there is only one person out there who can fill this role. But I hope I am lucky enough to have the privilege of spending my life with just one person. I would be so content to find her and grow old with her, through life’s trials and joys. I want that. 

It’s not about only dating someone if they can promise me forever. It’s about me being able to envision a forever with them. If I can’t see that, then I have to let them go their own way.

Why would I spend time with someone I don’t see a forever with when what I want is a forever?

All the examples you gave were geographic and time obstacles. Those things won’t matter to me when I choose someone. I would move for “my one”. And if she only had three months to live, I’d spend it with her and make the most of every day. 

I know this sweet and wonderful woman, I’ll call her Sally. Sally had a great love. It lasted for 15 years, and then her partner died of cancer. She spent years in grief afterwards, and alone. She gave her heart time to recover and heal, and never stopped loving that soul she lost. And then, just the other day, she met someone new, 9 years after her partner had passed. I could see this new light in her. She was like a teenager falling in love for the first time. She had found her “one” once. And now I could see her opening up, ready to find her next one.

And when I find them it certainly does not invalidate the other love stories I’ve been so lucky to have so far. Those loves are what have prepared me for it! Those have been vital exercises of my heart that have taught me about myself and about love and what I want and deserve and they were 100% real. There is nothing more “real” about the relationship I end up choosing to stay in, the only difference between it and my other love stories, is that it’s the one I keep and I’m at rest in.

What role does love play in this search? It leads the way, a torch burning in my chest. I have so much love to give. I don’t know what form this person will take. But I’m not ready to give up my hopes of finding her. And so I will continue to do my best to be open to what the universe sends my way. I will be honest with myself about what I feel in my gut. And if I can’t see a future then I will let that person go and continue on the dusty trail alone until I meet a traveler who will walk by my side.

With Hannah, I had a lot of love for her. But similar to Lily, it wasn’t the fully rounded out in-love romantic kind of love I needed to and my gut told me something was missing.

My requirements are quite simple actually: I will be in love with her, she will be in love with me. And it will feel perfectly right to both of us to spend our lives together and we will both feel like the absolute luckiest. I mean, I do have a lengthy list that I’ve sent to the universe of some particulars. Some of the things it includes: She will love herself. She will have a heart of gold and a grin of a troublemaker. She will be moved by compassion. 

Also allow me to clear up my remark about idealizing stuff with Kay. This has been a more recent “aha” moment for me. When I referenced that, I was not referencing her as a girlfriend. Let’s be honest – god bless her – but she was not her best possible self in our relationship (NOR WAS I). Kind of immature and selfish and very non-committal and not accepting of herself. Cowardly when it came to do the hard, right thing. Non-confrontational and avoidant of tackling her shit. Ashamed to be gay and wouldn’t hold my hand in public or say I was her girlfriend.

What I loved about that relationship, and what I miss, was the way I felt when I was in it. I was  deeply content (in spite of all those things–I didn’t know better yet!). I was 100% in without hesitations. I was at rest and at home and in love beyond a shadow of a doubt. Our cores matched, even though some other parts were imperfect.

That is what I want again. Like, that is the bare minimum of what I want. I know it’s going to be so much better the next time my heart is rested with someone because I’m sure as hell not settling for someone who doesn’t treat me like I deserve. I will reach potentials I could never have reached with Kay in the versions of ourselves at the time. I totally agree that that relationship was the scratch of the surface of what happiness can look like for me.

Sorry this one is a doozy. I’m not quite in my right mind these days. Send me updates!

Love, Ruth

P.S. Question for tarot cards: Is this girl going to break my heart?

 P.P.S. Magpie really likes hugs actually. I gave her one from you. When I walk in the door every day she wants to be scooped up and I toss her in the air and hug her and kiss her and she purrs contentedly, before she’ll even go have dinner. It is the cutest thing.

Dusty Trails

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Dear Nora,

Ok, ok. I get it. You’re giving me a taste of my own medicine, waiting weeks and weeks to reply. It is not fun at all… I am in suspense woman! But for real, I know you’re super busy with all your new life stuff in Philly. I hope you are doing well and school is captivating and your heart is full and Toby is feeling ok these days.

I am writing you again because I can’t keep my shit together long enough to wait for a response.

This week I have found myself wishing that I was a polyamorous fairy like you. I feel like life would be so much easier if I didn’t feel compelled to commit to being with one person. And that when I found a really wonderful human who didn’t happen to be “it” for me I could still date them in good conscience.

But alas, my monogamous heart will not yield. And I hold on to hope that the person is still to come, but I am so discouraged, my friend.  I am getting too old to date just to date. Actually I don’t think I’ve ever really been good at that. (“We date to mate” was the mantra at my Christian college and unfortunately that seems to have stuck with me).

My gut weighed in at about 2 months with Hannah. Before I felt ready, it’s infuriating nuisance of a voice spoke up and informed me that as delightful as I found her to be, Hannah was not my match. Anxiety started to build as I recognized this, and she sensed something was off, so there was no point in putting it off the wretched conversation. We were both extremely frustrated with my gut and I cried more than you might guess a person in a two month casual dating situation would. But I had really grown to care about her, so much. And have known her for almost a year at this point. And most importantly, I want to keep her in my life. Once again, I have hopes of a friendship remaining after the pain has subsided.  It’s so hard to let go.

You know what we’re never taught when we’re told fairytales and love stories as children? That before prince charming, the princess may date some really great guys. That is never in the plot line. She’s either alone until she meets the one, or she dates someone awful and then meets the prince who is night-and-day-contrast, no-contest, way better. But real life is not often black and white like that. It is gray. And real life is Hannah’s and Lily’s and the most kind and beautiful souls I could ask for, treating me like a queen, and me having to move forward with a blind faith that when I meet the one I’m going to rest my heart with my gut will provide a confirmation, not a protest.

And so, I continue to trust my gut. God knows fucking why. But I don’t feel I really have much of a choice. I can’t live opposed to what I feel instinctively, can I? I’ve tried that and then the truth still kicks me in the ass.

It feels like the more I trust my gut, the more in tune with it I am becoming…

Being human is weird.

Back to square one. Back to forever alone.

I’ve been playing the lyrics to this song Lily introduced to me over and over again in my head:

I know I’m no doctor but if I was guessing I’d say it was just growing pains
And painful as growing is we can’t forget it’s our ticket to taking the reins
And we’ll all be okay, we’ll be okay
Dusty trails can lead you to a golden road, I’ve been told
…
It’s all in the manual that we’ve been writing, a future instructional guide
If we skip to add to our pre-fulfilled dreams, we’d be lost without our own advice
We’ll be alright, we’ll be alright
Dusty trails can lead you to a golden road, I’ve been told
…

I finally bought a tent that’s all my own

My heart is tired. I am spending lots of time in nature this summer to restore it. I am talking to my sisters and reading books and snuggling Magpie and continuing on this dusty trail.

Tell me something encouraging. Have you met your Anita Blake? Have good things and people been appearing in your life?

Write me! Love, Ruth

30 year crisis

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Dear Nora,

I have been thinking about you and Mr. Toby as you travel and move this summer. Any and all updates are welcome! Even when I am the worst, and neglecting you horribly. Know that even when I don’t write, I still am thinking of you and needing to write. I’ve discovered when I’m in uncertain times I get a writing block in my brain of how to sort it.

How long were you in NYC for? Are you in Philly now? Also what day was your birthday?? Tell me about your new digs! Give me a Toby update–I have been so worried about him. I miss you Nora! I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to write. I hope you forgive me when that happens.

Also, how was it being in the same city as Cory for a bit?? Also, Abby?

I’m so excited for you and your new adventure. New friends! New poly scene! New things to learn about. All the possibilities!

Hey guess what? I made it to 3 months of celibacy! It was down to the goddamn day, but I made it. More on that in a bit, but I just wanted to pat myself on the back because it was an accomplishment for me.

I had a hardy laugh at myself after reading your letter. “You want to know why you find yourself in this situation? Because you put yourself in this situation.” So thank you for that, and calling me out on my nonsense. I fed the wolf, and that is the wolf that won. No surprise to anyone, I am sure.

Hannah and I began casually dating over a month ago. It has not been an explosion or a tidal wave or anything all-consuming, but a pleasant warmth like the steady heating of coals. She is consistent, attentive, kind and thoughtful. I like not being lost in the sauce. I like just continuing my life as the days get longer and warmer, and gradually getting to know her. Trying to win over each other’s cats, and hanging out for game nights, and sometimes talking about serious things and other times being silly, and sometimes not talking at all and just cuddling so good or laying in bed reading side by side. I think I am falling…but it’s a slow-motion sort of fall–so it is different from what I’ve become accustomed to. And it is too soon to tell anything for certain, so I am working to be patient and take my time. And she is patient, too.

If I learned anything from Lily, it’s that there is no substitute for time passing. And that when I jump to conclusions, it is unfair to all parties involved.

I still feel hesitant for anything very “official”, whatever that really means. But I feel safe and un-judged by her, and in a good place. And very much myself. I want to wait to commit to a “relationship” again until I feel no hesitation, but I also recognize labels are just labels, and the truth is in the thing itself. Neither of us are looking to “get to know” anyone else at the present. We have been calling it “Smart Casual Dating”.

Hannah is a stinker in the guise of a sweet midwestern girl. But deep-down she’s a total shit-starter… but also a compassionate and caring/responsible eldest of four. She reminds me of home. Maybe it’s the midwest, or the family, or the hard-working frugal sensibilities that you gain from a heritage of farmers. I tease her that she is actually a curmudgeonly old man trapped in a 30-year-old cute lesbian. She says things like “swell” and “quite” and “indeed” and “pish posh” and calls dinner “supper”. She lives so much more of her life on the inside that I am used to. I am an introvert as well, but probably an unusually expressive one. And I’ve spent so many years dating extroverts who say the first thing that pops into their head and spill anything they’re feeling. I suspect Hannah is a “still waters run deep” type of person, but I am still discovering what is under the surface. The other day we had brunch with a group of people, many of whom we didn’t know. And when we left, she apologized to me that she was so quiet in the group, and that she isn’t the “life of the party” person. “You know what, Hannah? I really don’t care about that. I used to more, because I wanted to be with someone who did all the talking for me. But now, I like to talk for myself, and so however you are is just fine by me–as long as you accept yourself.”

I have been searching myself and asking some of the questions you put to me last letter. What in me is resisting aloneness? And also, why am I striving for aloneness? And what role does sex play? Why do I want to date, or not date?

I fear settling. I fear selling myself short on something bigger I am meant for. I am mistrustful of my own feelings. I am still drawing comparisons to what I had with Kay–idealizing it in inaccurate ways and worrying I’ll never reach that again.  I am afraid of thinking with my body instead of my brain. I am afraid of hurting anyone else.

I am constructing  wall after wall, thinking it will protect me from all of those things..but perhaps it is only keeping the best possibilities out.

I am afraid of waking up someday, and having it all have passed me by.

Beautiful trip to the Grand Canyon, and hiking trips around OR

And then I ask myself, what is “it all”? What do I want these years to be filled with? What will make me feel like I didn’t settle and that I reached my best potential and found my best “fit” and made good decisions? 30 year crisis, Nora! I’m telling you…

Here is the biggest difference between 20 year old me falling in love for the first time, and 30 year old me now. I used to be “playing to win”, but I feel like now I am just playing not to lose. And that’s really a horrible way to go about life, especially when it comes to love. It’s also time for me to let go of all of my assumptions that just because once upon a time I fell in love in a specific way, that it’s going to look just like that again… so many years later. It cannot look the same because I am not the same.

There are so many ways to be in love.

–Yrsa Daley-Ward

I feel I am making everything into a big jumbled mess but it’s not as complicated as all of that. I want really simple, good things out of life. The things that make me happiest are life’s basic pleasures… making good food, having a cold beer, finding a really lovely flower or lush display of green or taking in a scenic view. A chat with a good friend. A head butt from Magpie or a warm cuddling up under the covers. Weather. Hot baths. Gardens growing. Swimming in the ocean. A handwritten note in the mail. Exploring a new place. Making out and having sex with someone I can snort laugh with. Knowing and loving myself, and feeling like I am adding some good into the lives of others. Getting swept up in a consuming book. Writing thoughts into words. Falling in love… not in a dramatic, flash of lighter fluid burst of flame, but in a slow and steady build of warmth–lit for a longterm burn.  Having a deep friendship and partnership with someone I love and respect, who I am crazy about and who is crazy about me. Those are the things I want these years filled with.

Simple pleasures: cat paws, flowers & chocolate from Hannah, singing with my choir at Pride

Ruth, calm the fuck down and trust your gut.

That is my advice to myself today.

Having a compulsive need to know instantly if the person I’m dating is “the one” is stupid and unrealistic. Holding myself to the expectation that I should know that right away is setting myself up for anxiety and failure. I don’t even believe in the one! I believe in really great fits, and even better fits, and feeling at peace and at home with someone and falling in love and walking through life together, while encouraging and inspiring each other to be your best selves.

Ok, all of my ramblings are done for today. It is late. It is cooling down outside and the breeze is blowing in and Magpie is sitting in the window, looking into the quiet night. Today was the summer solstice, the longest day of the year. But the days are still warming up and I am grateful for the arrival of a new season.

Rambling,

Ruth

P.S. Can you please do a tarot card reading for me? Unless it’s something really bad, and then I’d rather not know…

P.P.S. How do you feel about turning 30?! I suppose your 30-year-crisis was considering monogamy again for a bit 🙂

Knowing your worth

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Dear Nora,

You never need to apologize for writing me about your hard days. Of course don’t take it down! For two reasons: one—it is real life and that’s what we’re writing about, and two—I’m going to have those days too, and I want to feel free to include them in my letters. Even when things are dark and not a sliver of light shows through.

I knew you had asthma as a child, but I had no idea to what degree it affected your life and family and childhood. I can’t imagine the memories that come flooding back when you get sick with something like bronchitis. Is that a part of why you are going to become a doctor? Or your experiences as an immigrant outside of the healthcare system?

You said “The homelessness that I try so hard to evade, instead invaded me.” While that is devastatingly poetic, it is also heartbreaking. I’m so proud of you for calling your friends, even if they’re not emergency contacts, even if they’re not “home”. They’re there. And “there” goes a long way. I think our lives our essentially just a story about the people who show up. You’re such a beautiful human being my dear, I have no doubt that the wonderful vibes you’re putting out into the world are going to attract some equally amazing humans. But I know that’s now for you, so it’s not helpful. I’m so sorry you’re hurting.

Thank you for spoiling me with two letters and patiently waiting for me to reply. I was telling my friend it’s like Christmas morning whenever I get a new letter from you. I am so impressed by your celibacy and crafting! The boxes are beautiful!

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Camping up in the Olympic National Park this past weekend with friends (including this cute doggie Jazzy!)

 

This is going to sound obnoxious: but it’s an adjustment to not have a partner to have sex with. As a serial monogamist, I’ve just taken for granted that I can have that on the regular. Thus, the online dating. Here’s an update on what I’ve learned so far:

  1. I’m actually not bad at dating. I always thought I would be awkward and shy, but it turns out, after I get over the first few minutes of nerves, I am a great date (brushes off shoulder). I am good at asking questions and carrying conversation, and I laugh a lot and I think even flirt? Still working on that part. I have genuine interest in lots of things and I’m happy with who I am and I think that comes across and I make others feel comfortable too.
  2. It takes all kinds of kinds. There’s someone out there for everyone’s tastes. And as it turns out, there are a few ladies out there who actually like my particular variety of cuteness. I am still surprised every time I discover that.
  3. It really takes off a lot of the goddamn pressure that I’m not looking for a partner right now. I don’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend at the moment (I’ve never truly said that and meant it before), and at this stage that feels very freeing. Because that pressure is off, I am not trying to “convince” anyone I’ll make a good long-term partner, so I’m a lot less filtered and just being free and myself. I feel more light-hearted.
  4. Dating more than one girl at the same time is so foreign to me. But this has also helped take off pressure. I’ve been up front with anyone I’ve gone on a date with about this and so far it’s been received just fine, and dates have led to second dates and third dates and I’m having fun just getting to know some really cool girls who are quite different than anyone I’ve dated before.
  5. When I’m in a relationship, I don’t really get crushes. At least, they don’t develop very far in my mind and I hardly notice them. But holy shit when I’m single… I am getting all sorts of crushes and thinking about lots of possibilities. I think it’s been a good mental exercise of picturing myself with different types of people. (It also doesn’t help that I am horny AF without a girlfriend.)
  6. So far the feelings haven’t been a problem. I mean, other than crushing and just excitement at getting know people I find interesting, nothing overwhelming has taken over and I’ve been able to not get too caught up. I’m proud of me!

I think the only part I’m really struggling with right now is… where does this go? What is the end game? It’s so hard-wired in me that dating leads to relationships. I still know ultimately I will want that again, a monogamous relationship with a partner. But I don’t want that now. So where will these fun new explorations lead? Maybe that’s the point… that’s why they’re explorations because we don’t know where they lead. I guess I’m just not good with that uncertainty.

You’re going to meet-ups! That’s awesome. I’ve made some great friends through meet-ups and just generally it helped me feel less alone after I moved here. I don’t really love the ones that are just like “meet and greets” because it feels more awkward to introverts such as myself, but any activity-based outing, such as playing kickball or board games or book clubs or capture the flag have been so much fun. I think if nothing else, it’s a good reminder that there are a lot of other people in your town who feel kind of alone too, and are also looking for connections… I find that comforting. We’re all alone, but also, kind of in the same boat. Now I see when Elise has RSVP’d for the same events as me though, so I’ve been going to less. But conveniently, I’ve been filling up my time with friends and dates and me-time anyway, so it’s ok.

If last month’s theme was “restoration” for me, this month’s is “know your worth”. I had this fear that if I stop dating these fun life-of-the-party girls I would stop being invited to things.

But the truth is, I’m pretty fucking spectacular on my own, and it turns out people like having me around just for me.

I already “knew” that, but I’m starting to really believe it. I feel a bit like I’m starting over in Portland. Defining myself apart from her, knowing my worth apart from her.

I made this list of things for therapy that make me feel happy and like “me”, back when I was still with Elise and really struggling with some anxiety and depression. At the time I had to consciously make myself do them. The other day I pulled out the list and I had done every single one of those eight things that week without even trying. Being alone has allowed me to naturally take care of myself, and it just fills me up to overflowing and I have more energy to give to others now too. It’s like the more I invest in myself, the more there is to invest in others.

took a selfie in the elevator because I was feeling exceptionally cute that day before a date

took a selfie in the elevator because I was feeling exceptionally cute that day before a date

My “body issues” feel so fucking cliché it makes me mad just thinking about it. The fact that I look in a mirror and care that I have “extra weight” bothers me 1,000x more than the weight itself. When I don’t focus on a stupid arbitrary standard of what my body “should” look like to “be sexy” then I actually often feel sexy and healthy and good. Unfortunately, it is drowned out far too often by a voice calling out my imperfections. That voice speaks a message so far off of my values that I’m embarrassed I can even hear it. I told my friend the other day “I just find it hard to believe I’m anyone’s actual type. I’m too big to be skinny, but not quite big enough for plus size, I’m just this awkward in-between.” So I relate to you on the “not enough” fears. I likewise have never been the most feminine or masculine, just sort of a blah in-between. I guess that would sum up my general feelings on my body… I’m a blah in-between.

So those are my fears and issues. Luckily that’s not the whole story. I’m learning and working to love myself better. To physically accept myself as-is, and not just waiting to love myself when I’m x number of pounds thinner. Honestly, part of that lately has just been accepting affection and attention and compliments, without holding my breath thinking it’s only a matter of time before she sees my imperfections.

I don’t want to be yet another woman who lives her whole life in disgust and displeasure with her own body. What an utter waste, and a sad way to inhabit my physical self. I am healthy and strong and yes, even sexy. My body deserves love and acceptance and care.

I am so excited for whatever you have planned for us in L.A. I’ll be there soon!

Love, Ruth

P.S. take your vitamins (I liked your smiley face calendar system, by the way)

Independence Day

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Dear Nora,

I’m here, I’m here! I’ve been too busy for my own good. I need to stop doing that. The past month has been filled with visitors and Pride stuff and re-doing my apartment and talks with friends and extra work stuff and spending time outside in the lovely Portland summer. But I am here.

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Left: Representing the choir in the parade, riding “bitch” on the back of my friend’s bike!; Right: My made-over room, complete with my handmade “headboard” and origami lights; Bottom: Vigil for the Orlando shooting victims

I am super jealous of your awesome roadtrip! We live on such a beautiful planet, I loved seeing your pics. I have kind of a joke with friends that when I’m overwhelmed by the natural beauty of a place I get almost angry. Not actually angry, but just… I almost can’t stand it. I want to capture it, and keep it, and bask in it. But there it stays, and all I can do is admire it and scream about how pretty it is and take pathetic iPhone pics and move along with my life. Needless to say, it’s been a problem ever since moving to the PNW. I enjoyed some outdoors while camping this weekend.

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Oregon <3

I’m so, so glad you took that time (and money) for yourself. You deserve it! (Also, you deserve new manipulation-free heels… I found some online coupons for you.) Can I just say how proud I am of you for creating the space you need from Trace? Games with feelings suck ass. It seems like you’re doing a really good job of being deliberate about taking care of yourself. Going to therapy, thinking through the “whys” of everything that happened, and setting intentions for yourself, and surrounding yourself with good friends.

I want to hear more about Cory. In your previous letter you mentioned you find her condescending. That was pre-roadtrip/visit together and I’m curious if she still seems that way after spending more in-person time together? Also, it makes me really happy to hear that it’s a connection not based on anything you “offer”, but simply you just being you, and her recognizing your worth. Yay for mutual feelings!! Do you think it might go anywhere? Do you want it to? Also how can you stand being in love with someone and not be completely consumed by it? Teach me how.

Today is independence day, and I am celebrating it this evening by myself, in my apartment with the windows open and candles glowing. And instead of fireworks, I burned some sage and “smudged” my space to clear out negative energy. I don’t know what I believe about that stuff, but if nothing else, the ritual brought me comfort and it felt cleansing… so there’s that.

I’ve reach two conclusions over the past month: I’ve decided it’s about goddamn time for me to stop wishing that I was something I’m not, and I NEED to stop apologizing for who I am and what I need.

You were so very right in your assessment—that I am a hopeless romantic always seeking The One, in love with love. Optimistic, devoted, forgiving. Sometimes I am kind of ashamed of it. I wanted to try to deny that, to defend the parts of me that are “realistic” and “logical”. I want to act as though I don’t want the things that I really want, and convince the world that I’m not just some silly, naïve girl looking for “princess charming”. Elise said as much, that she’s dated more than me, that she has “seen what’s out there”, and that at some point you just find a pretty good fit and the rest is just hard work.

I know she’s probably right. I know everyone is probably right and I am foolish and dreaming of fairytales and what I seek isn’t real life. But none of that stops me from wanting it. And I’m not ready to give up on the hope that it exists for me.

I’ve come to realize in dating, we are all completely sucked in by different aspects of a relationship. For Elise, it was that initial connection and spark. For my sister, it’s the intellectual attraction of two minds. For another friend, it’s an intense physical chemistry. For another, it’s the mystery and intrigue of discovering all of another person. For me? I really do love being in love. I love absolutely adoring someone else, and having them feel that completely, and feeling loved and adored in return. That is my crack. And while I’m sure there’s some perfectly reasonable scientific explanation for these feelings, to me it feels like nothing short of a miracle.

There was a fog that lifted, when we ended things. And I had an actual moment where suddenly I could see myself, feel myself, and inhabit my body once again and I laughed out loud and said “oh, HERE I am.. I love this person!” I then proceeded to give myself a good talkin-to about how great I am and how much I love me. I had been so tangled up in anxiety and trying “make it work” and thinking what I could do to please her, that I lost sight of myself in the relationship. This is something I will be tackling with my therapist (did I tell you I am going to therapy, too?) I am quick to give up things for people I love, especially for the woman I fall in love with. Way too readily I give up both large and small things (ranging from food choices, to pets/kid/marriage prospects, from TV shows to daily schedules to place where we live), and make concessions for just about all of it to the point where I become just a sum of their wants. Elise called it martyrdom. But it’s not from a place of trying to make a show of giving stuff up. It’s just… it’s just how I am. I don’t think of it as a weakness, but rather, I think these “faults” are products of my strengths, I just need to learn to wield them in a way that’s healthier for me… in a way that doesn’t cause me to drown out myself.

Recently for work, as a team-building exercise we took these personality tests called strengths finder, and my top categories were Empathy (feel what others are feeling), Relator (develop deep and genuine relationships), Harmony (bring others together), Developer (see potential in others), Maximizer (encourage talents and strengths in order for others to ‘be their best’). While many people in my team had strengths like learning, achieving, deliberating, analyzing, communicating, ideation, thinking futuristically or strategically…etc., all of my traits just had more to do with relationship building than anything else, and building others and myself, up.

That is who I am. I am someone who believes in others, and myself, cares about and relates to them, and wants to all work together in peace and harmony towards our best individual potentials. It’s some hippy dippy shit and I fucking love it.

Elise used to refer to me as “Gandhi” or “Mother Teresa” or sometimes “Jesus”. She would jokingly ask me to show her my scar-free hands, just to confirm that I’m not the Messiah. Of course she meant it all as a joke. But it was honestly an issue in my last relationship as well. I hear things like “you’re too good for me” and groan. This sort of pedestal has been something I’ve experienced my whole life. Ruth. My name literally means compassion. It sounds like a good thing… and while it does have some perks, no one wants to be seen as a saint. Saints are boring and not fun at all. They are “holier-than-thou” and goodie two-shoes. And I am none of those things. I am fun and sarcastic and nonjudgmental and I can be a moody asshole and I am better than no one. But I am kind. I am concerned for others. I am giving, to a fault. I feel what others are feeling and I am moved by it. I don’t know how to be any other way. I think you can be all those things.

Those are my gifts. This is my light. I can either love it and shine it as it is, or be ashamed and try to hide it. I can either spend my life wishing I was a different way than I am, or I can embrace it. And fill my life with people who love and value these things about me.

Tonight I had a couple of invites to join in on 4th of July festivities. I was tired from camping and being around people a lot, and all I wanted was to stay home, take a bath, write you a letter and smudge my apartment. I took some grief for telling people I just wanted alone time tonight. My first instinct was to apologize for wanting alone time. I feared they’d think I was lame and they wouldn’t understand, and that they’d stop inviting me to things or feel sorry for me. Some of those things may have crossed their minds. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. I didn’t apologize, because I shouldn’t have to apologize for taking care of my own needs and doing what I like. I shouldn’t have to explain it. And if someone doesn’t “get it” or accept me, then they probably aren’t worth my time and aren’t a friend I really need.

I need to stop apologizing for who I am. I am an introvert, I need alone time. I am kind, and I like that about myself. It doesn’t mean I’m a goddamn saint. I believe in the love of soulmates, living life side-by-side, and I still hope to find it. I am a good thing. I have a lot of love to give. I see the best. I am what I am what I am.

I am energized being alone, and am venturing into the forever alone chapter with a desire to love and take care of myself better. And to make the most of this time, undistracted by couplehood. So that someday IF that person comes along, I’ll know better how to balance my needs with theirs, and no more of this “losing myself” bullshit. I turn 30 in November, and my intention is to not seek out anything serious for the remaining months of my 20s at the very least. I feel the most myself when I’m alone, it makes my soul stir. And based on previous experience, I don’t know how to be anything but serious when it comes to love interests… so perhaps that will necessitate no dating at all. Right now that feels completely doable… but doesn’t it always, until you meet someone who you “can’t live without”? I would be pretty content right now “whoring out” as you called it, but I seem to suck at that because I get a whole mess of feelings when I connect physically with someone.

Updates next time on project “fall out of love” and the effort to transition from dating to friends with Elise. Also, miniature elephant sanctuary.

Love, Ruth

P.S. This is the longest letter ever. I think we can count it as two.
P.P.S. I was about to apologize for all of my rants about refusing to apologize for who I am in this letter. But I’m not going to.
P.P.P.S. YES! Cory and AJ can stay with me! I agree that would be so epic. My place isn’t big but I think we could make it work. When?? Send me details via email.

Road Trip and Summer Dreams…

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Dear Ruth

How are you? And more importantly, where are you? I get mad trust issues when you disappear off the face of the earth.  I need to know that you are okay and that your post-break up self is not doing anything self destructive.

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Lake Powell, AZ

 

I went on a road trip from Denver, CO to Las Vegas, NV with stops in several national parks and it was AMAZING. I was so appalled by nature.

 

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AJ at Black Canyon, CO

 

I went with Cory and two friends AJ and D$$. I had never done so much physical activity and they were really encouraging for me to push myself. I can say I like hiking now, although I saw death pretty close in The Grand Canyon. 

 

During the trip, I had to step out and cry one night. I had this horrible guilt about being on vacation because of money. I am in a lot of debt and my income keeps me comfortable but not in a place in which I can afford to NOT be thrifty. Which I am, I rarely pay full price for anything. But a vacation? I know I deserve it and I really really wanted it, but I am an immigrant after all and the WORK, WORK, WORK mentality has me.

After the trip, Cory, AJ and D$$ are staying with me for a week. It has been crazy to have three extra people in my house but I am very happy to be able to share my LA experience with some of my NYC friends. We hiked to the Hollywood sign, rode bikes by the LA river, went to the beach, went to Shakespeare in the park. It has been great.

This is the first time Cory and I get two entire weeks of being together. TWO WEEKS!!!! This is a long time for two people who have gotten a day or two at a time, sometimes only a few hours 4-6 months apart. I met her right before I left New York and most of our history has been long distance. This is the person I was talking to while with my ex. I am in love with her, two years later and never having properly dated her. It is a problem. The silver lining: it’s mutual.

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Cory and I, HorseShoe Bend, AZ

They leave tomorrow and I know I must prepare to set back into a reality in which I am alone and need to stay that way. I started therapy and one of my goals is to remain focused on me and fulfill my own need for attention instead of recurring to dating every time out of boredom or loneliness. The truth is, I don’t really want to be in a relationship. Especially since I am applying to Medical School and don’t know where I will be in the fall of 2017. I want this last year out of school to be for me and about me. I need healing, I need recovery. I need to forgive myself for allowing people to hurt me, for trusting the wrong ones with my heart. I need to forgive others too. But I cannot do it alone. I need the structure and support from a professional to make this happen. 

I thought about Trace during the trip. I was trying to make sense of why I fell out of love as hard and as quickly as I did. I needed to know what they meant to me, what they represented in my life. Only thing I could come up with is that they are my pattern. I remember you asking me if I felt like anyone was permanent and the answer was no. I think I am looking for a family. I subconsciously go for people who are somehow alone or in need (I do this with friendships too) and I try to make myself so indispensable that they would never leave me. This, of course, fails every time. They leave or I leave. It’s not sustainable and it’s not healthy.

I arrived at this conclusion because I have lots of insecurities with Cory since she’s younger, pretty, privileged, etc and I do not feel like there’s anything she needs that I can give her. However, she chooses me again and again.

She WANTS me. What a fucking concept.

It’s been such a process, I blocked Trace from my phone. They were playing this game in which they text me whenever they feel like it and equally ignore me, so I think they can text the air forever since I won’t get their texts anymore. I asked them to mail my clothes (and this beautiful heels I left in their house) and they insisted in dropping them off (so they can see me) and I just feel like it was gonna be a manipulation situation that I don’t need to be involved in. I blocked them and I don’t think I’ll hear from them again unless they get really creative with the stalking, which I doubt. I can go to payless and get my nude heels again, that’s what coupons are for.

I think I am in a good place but I have SO MUCH WORK TO DO. In myself, for myself, by myself. I must be my own family, my own partner, my own lover.

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Being active is part of caring for myself and my health, Toby is loving it.

I must learn to motivate myself and enjoy my company. I must take better care of my body. I must take better care of my finances and I need to get into medical school.

The summer marks the beginning of a new year for me, since I came to America in June, I start counting in June. This year I am going to focus on growing spiritually and emotionally. It’s the last year in my 20s and I am going to make it count.

What are you up to? Can you please update me before I go bananas on social media and stalk the hell out of you?

Thank you for listening to my constant rants. Having you and this space keeps me accountable.

Love,

Nora

P.S. AJ and Cory are going to continue their road trip up the west coast and may stop in Portland. Is there a chance you can host them for a night or two? How epic would that be?