Tag Archives: self-love

Bright Path (Letter from Reader)

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Dear Ruth,

Thank you for taking the time to reply so thoroughly, I really appreciate every word that you wrote. I would truly love to hear from other people and look forward to this very much. I need to rewire my brain and allow myself to put into place a future that I have visualised for my whole life. A future that I have not seen modelled by anyone in my life, so would love to hear from others about.

I was clearly very predictable in my personality traits as I deeply appreciated the to do lists and will reply in accordance with them… 😊

Number 1. Self- Love

I would like to start off my reply by saying that I am a bit worried that I came across as miserable in my first letter. I promise that I am a happy person, and fun (I hope!)

It upsets me that self love, or in fact the lack of it, was the over riding theme of my letter. I had not noticed the negative language that I use in my writing about this topic. I’ve gone back and read notebooks and lots of it was from the negative stand point that you identified. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.

I think that this was actually the most powerful thing that you wrote to me as it has already changed my writing.

I have no doubt that this will in turn adapt the way I think and speak about myself, in a more positive light.

You’re right, I’m not comfortable looking myself in the mirror and telling myself those things but I will work on this. Say it until you believe it! I do know that I have lots of good qualities and skills and have written them down as you suggested but that would be rather self indulgent to write those here so I’ll leave those in my journal!

(I take it back actually, your best piece of advice was to buy myself some lovely food, I greatly appreciated that one, as did my stomach!)

Number 2. Pride

That link you added made me laugh through the tears, thank you. It made me think up some wonderfully creative ways to do it, but very boringly I think I’ll have to stick to the original way.

“You and I both know, that’s not going to be you. You are bursting at the seams and you are ready.” This line changed something for me. You didn’t for one second question me and that felt amazing. It is so validating. I wasn’t expecting that. When I wrote to you those weeks ago I knew who I was. Goodness, I can’t even write it! I’ll try again. I knew and know that I am a lesbian. But I have always questioned myself. How could I be gay when I have openly flirted with men (if only out of show). Bizarrely, I spent a lot of time and thought worrying that I had made all of this up for no reason. Have I made myself gay through what I have exposed myself to? Ridiculous I know. And totally untrue. You saying these things helps with this and shows me that I can feel whatever I wish to and that is okay. I can trust myself because you think that I’m ready to (and too). Part two of validation is coming up later…

I know that I need to take a leap into this community. Recently I have been researching groups in the cities nearest to me. There are a couple and I could go. I will go. At some point, I will go. I’m done with putting time restraints on myself so I’m just going to tell myself that at some point, I will go. Your journey with your LGBT choir is one that spoke to me. I love to sing and I actually lead a children’s choir. I am hopeful that this might be a better option for me than groups (going on my own is not overly enticing). Talking to strangers is tricky but singing I can do. I will research this more. I’ve also downloaded OKCupid. Haven’t quite been brave enough to fill out the profile yet but I have ticked the Gay box. However, you are correct, friends are definitely what I need first.

I bought a bracelet that has a compass engraved on it. It’s beautiful and tiny and I haven’t taken it off. Every time I catch a glimpse of it I’m reminded to question myself, which direction am I going in and which direction I want to be going in. Now I just need a signal to everybody else. I am very straight passing, very feminine, so maybe I’ll have to up the anti with my pride symbols as I come out to more and more people to make it REALLY obvious! Of course that was a joke, I am actually looking forward to breaking a few stereotypes, I do not look like how my family for instance visualise a gay woman. Whatever that should look like.

You were correct in your estimation, I have been immersing myself in LGBT literature, poetry, music, podcasts, YouTube videos, films and more. They have been my saving grace. Literature and music are my greatest loves and have offered me such solace. Poetry (particularly slam actually) has been my version of your great Katy Perry suggestion. I listen and learn them and then speak and shout along to them. Feeling every word. (Shouting one of these or listening to music that will out me in my own house is a risk that I am now taking. I bought the house, I should be able to listen to what I like within it. I’ve even allowed myself to have the window open- shock horror!)

Numbers 3 and 4. Support and Prepare for Various Outcomes

Writing has always been a big passion of mine so I really appreciated your tasks that involved putting pen to paper. Words are powerful and healing. They are my creative expression.

One of the many videos that have been my saving grace is Hannah Harts sympathy for being in the closet. One of the lines hit me hard “The closet sucks. It’s not safe. It’s static”. I hadn’t thought of it this way before but I have been paused. Static for over ten years, for what? I will move forward now. I have already made big strides forward with these letters and with what I am about to tell you…

My sister asked me once, years ago, if I was a lesbian. How I long that I hadn’t lied through my teeth. I had the perfect opportunity this week when my sister came to stay with me in the UK. It would have been the perfect time to tell her but I just couldn’t. I visualised how she would be affected by it and how she would have to keep it from our parents as I am not ready to tell them yet and I just couldn’t do it to her. I can see that I have used negative language here (thanks to your guidance) but I am no longer feeling that I have missed my only opportunity. You made me see it is never too late. And anyway, I’m still reeling in success as I have made such a massive step forward.

Your letter was the final push that I needed. I was at breaking point and feeling very alone. The more I have immersed myself in this part of my life, the more I have distanced myself from everyone around me. I am so proud to tell you that I told my best friend last night.

We spoke for most of the night over video chat (she lives abroad also). I was so terrified. I have tried to tell her for many, many, times before. I wasn’t going to let myself down again. I pressed call and there was no turning back. I swore lots, shook lots and even had a sick bag at the ready. Anyway, I told her. And to my astonishment she said that she knew. Here’s the second point of validation.

I felt some relief but mostly just pure joy that she almost justified my feelings.

She knows me so well that she picked up on the language that I was using and on brief passing comments that I have made over the years. After this I went on to spill all of my thoughts, feelings and interests that I’ve been hiding for what feels like a lifetime. She listened, commented and asked questions. It was perfect. Although it did feel very bizarre hearing her talk about my future, imaginary girlfriend. Nice but weird. Then we spent the next few hours gossiping and chatting about the other aspects of our lives. This was the greatest thing that could have happened as it showed me that our relationship is the same as it was.

Nothing bad happened when I told someone. Life actually resumed as it had always been. Magic!

How do I feel now? That’s a question that she asked me and I found hard to answer. I didn’t feel the instant relief when I said the words but I woke up with a smile this morning. I adored just talking about the thoughts that I have been keeping in my head. I took her back years to different times when I had tried to tell her. I felt like I was being honest for the first time in a very, very long time. I have achieved something huge that I wasn’t sure that I could do and it feels great. And the world didn’t end. In fact, it became lighter.

I wrote out a table as you suggested and as you probably predicted there were many negative or merely stagnant outcomes on the ‘What Will Happen If I Never Come Out’ side. The hardest one for me being the prospect of not having children. Or not sharing the experience of raising a child with someone else. On the ‘What Will Happen If I Come Out’ side there were some negatives too, I wrote out worst case outcomes. However, mostly, they were positive and there were twice as many points than the other. When it came down to it I would still be safe even if the worst happened. And anything other than this wouldn’t matter in the long term. I could say the things that I have been thinking but editing out. I could be free. As I thought about my best friend I wrote “My best friend will love me anyway” and I was right. That has done wonders for my confidence for trying again.

So, there is something that I didn’t mention in my first letter but you wrote about in your response. Religion. Unlike your family, my family are not religious. However, my individual sense of faith has always been very strong. The way your father responded is kind of how I have been responding to myself for many years. And although I have now accepted myself and my sexuality I still feel a draw to Christianity. I went to Church, Sunday school and a Christian School. As a teenager my faith was at its strongest as I explored it further. But, of course, this was also when I started to explore my sexuality. (Ironically with the same girl with whom I was exploring my Religion with). This is where the conflict appeared. I am doing something that is wrong in the eyes of the faith that I feel drawn to and have been taught. Can I be a Christian when living this lifestyle? I suppose that is actually kind of my question. Can religion and homosexuality ever coexist or live alongside each other? How can something that is meant to instil peace actually place on me such fear? Obviously I know that you won’t have the answer to these questions but I would really like to hear other opinions on this matter. However, I also appreciate how personal it is so will understand if you cannot or would prefer not to respond. I also really hope I haven’t offended anyone, that is NOT what I aim to do. Let’s face it, I just don’t really know and am asking for knowledge.

Obviously I still have far to go, I have only told one person and am still no further with the ones that I feel will not be accepting. I sill struggle immensely with how to tell my family and my work colleagues who have seen my flirtations with men. I’m not putting pressure on myself to tell anyone else for now. I have support. I’m going to let it sink in that someone else knows and see where everything goes from there.

There is a long road ahead of me but I can see the light that you were describing. And it’s beautiful.

I would still love to hear from the other people if they are still interested in writing to me. I know that I am no longer sailing alone but we are still only in a two-man canoe and neither or us have ever sailed this sea before.

“You will take a little more power out of the shame each time you tell someone.” This gives me hope. A lot of it. As does the rest of your letter.

Number 5. Know That the Best is Yet to Come

I changed the last assignment slightly (instant Fail grade for me!) and took on the role of my future self and wrote to the present. It forced me to think about what I am doing at this time in my life and where I want to be which was actually really cathartic so thank you.

Dear 26-year-old Jane,

Well done, a big, great, massive well done. Firstly, well done for writing this letter. I know that you put it off, apprehensive as to what your future might actually be. Afraid to dream in case you were never brave enough to make the changes that you needed to. You gave yourself a second chance. You put the colour into your relationships, adding depth. You gave yourself your best life, so thank you.

You can breathe deeper now. You don’t have to hide or change pronouns or conversations. You are lighter and free to do, talk about and what you want to. Your thoughts are yours and back under your control. You don’t have to focus upon just this aspect of your character. There is more to you and it is shining now.

Also, I hate to tell you but actually no one cared about this as much as you did. If you could read this, I would tell you that this is all consuming for you because it is all about you. Other people first care about themselves. You were the news for a few weeks then people moved on, on to their lives. Your way of life did not affect them. It will blow over. The water will settle and you will come up for air in a place familiar but different. A place you knew before but only partially experienced.  

You will still feel. You will feel more than you ever imagined possible. The all consuming thoughts and uneasy emotions will be replaced or resculpted into love. Love for yourself built on foundations of respect and bravery. You will be proud to let others see the light in you and in return you will shine the light on others. Be kind, be forgiving, be appreciative, be spontaneous. Keep fighting and you will move forward. Fumble along the tunnel and find your way out of the shadows.

Love, future Jane

Ruth, I hope I can do this. Here goes the rest of my life…

“You never know what could be coming in the future. There is so much music that you’ve yet to hear.” –Hannah Hart: Buffering.

In the Shadows (Response)

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Dear Jane,

I have been thinking so much about your letter. Not only thinking about it, but talking about it to people in my life. I have a response for you today, but I may have some more responses for you, not just from my perspective–but from the perspectives of some other really amazing women who have gone through what you are going through right now. I think it’s invaluable to hear from others. And also, for you to know how truly not alone you are.

First of all, I want to thank you for writing me. That was so incredibly brave of you to share your story. Thank you for trusting me and Nora with it. Thank you for sharing it, not just with us, but with whoever else finds this.

When we take a risk and are vulnerable with our truest stories…the ones we are afraid to tell, that is when the most beautiful things happen on this earth. That is how we understand we aren’t alone.

My response to your letter is… I have 5 assignments for you. I figured as a teacher you’d appreciate tackling this like a list of to-dos. 😉

1. Tackle Operation Self-Love

The loudest part of your letter, was not about your desire to find love, or your fear about telling your father or godmother. The biggest relationship challenge that you have right now is the one with yourself. She is hurting. You said things like “ashamed” “shutting myself away” “something stopping me” “afraid” “living a life I don’t want”, with judgment against yourself about when you should have known, when you should have come out. You talk about stealing time from yourself, and apologizing to yourself.

Stop. Beating. Yourself. Up. Take a deep breath. Look in the mirror. Tell yourself you love yourself, unconditionally. No matter how gay you are, or how long it takes you to come out, or what else happens moving forward. You’ve got to be your own biggest advocate. She doesn’t need someone to be hard on her–life dishes out plenty of that shit. Forgive yourself for all these things you’re blaming yourself for. Say it out loud! Tell yourself “it is OK that you’ve waited to come out. it is OK that this is scary as hell. it is OK that you’ve felt ashamed and hidden this part of yourself. it is OK, and I forgive you.” Maybe also pay her a nice compliment about her hair or something. My dear, you are a gorgeous human with a huge heart. You are clearly a hard worker, a smartypants and a badass, and a great friend and daughter and teacher. Have compassion for yourself! It’s going to be ok. I’m going to say that multiple times in this letter. But you need to say it to yourself. You are going to get through this, but you’ve got to be there for yourself first. You have to have your own back in this.

When you have these negative thoughts and lies come into your head, things like “it’s too late” or “you’ve missed your chance”, acknowledge that voice and then dismiss it. Replace it with the truth. “I am going to get through this. It’s going to be ok. I’m proud of you and who you are. You are doing your best. I love you. I forgive you.” Having to hold something like this in for so long is so hard and scary. DO NOT give yourself a hard time for that. It’s been hard enough! Change the messages you tell yourself. Treat yourself like you would treat a close friend. No matter what happens with other relationships for the rest of your life, as long as you live you will have a relationship with YOU. Make it a good one.

In addition to the positive self-talk (keep saying it until you start believing it), do things that make you feel proud of yourself. Do things that make you feel like YOU and a badass. Do things that scare the hell out of you. Buy yourself some really good pizza and chocolate.

2. Find your Pride (even if it starts out small)

There is no right or wrong way to come out. Some people do it all at once with a big announcement, some people write it in icing on a cake, some people come out to others one at a time over many years. Anyone LGBTQ has to tackle this one way or another, or else live out their days cramped in a dark closet. You and I both know, that’s not going to be you. You are bursting at the seams and you are ready. The good news is that you are out to yourself! That is HUGE. All those years when I was writing Fish Out of Water I was dating Kay, and the whole time we were together she wasn’t out to others, let alone to herself. As hard as that was on me, it was so much harder on her. You have already done yourself a really big favor by recognizing this truth about yourself and accepting it.

I need you to stop all the judgment about timing of coming out. It is not your fault you are not out yet. I mean, technically you could have told people, but it’s the immense pressure and judgment of the world we live in that has made you feel trapped and unable to share this. Don’t take that blame upon yourself.

Unfortunately we still live in a dumb world where people generally assume everyone is straight. Thus, coming out is a reoccurring need if you are going to be open about who you are with people. The other good news is that the more you come out, the easier it gets. The first person I told was a therapist, when I was doing study abroad in Australia. I sobbed for our entire session as I told her. I was shaking. I used up a whole box of tissues. That was 10 years ago. The most recent person I told was a random co-worker who I don’t know well who asked about my weekend and I mentioned my new love. And when she asked “how did you meet him?” I replied without a second thought, “oh! she and I met through mutual friends.”

Not only do people assume everyone is straight, but unfortunately far too many people seem to still believe everyone should be straight, and that there is something shameful about being anything other than that. This is where Pride comes in. It sounds like you’ve done some seeking out online of queer connections–reading blogs, finding books or shows with positive gay role models. Those things were key for me. The next steps I took after that were to meet people who “get it”. I know you live in a small town. Maybe take yourself on a weekend getaway to a bigger city, somewhere with a gay bar or queer center. Some kind of events or meetups or anything LGBTQ-related. I’m so proud of your for joining tinder! I know that must have been terrifying. I think it could be valuable for you to get outside of your town for a bit and feel a little more free to be yourself. Go somewhere where you are anonymous–where no one knows you as gay or straight or a teacher, or anything about you! (Note: if you do this, just let someone know where you went for the weekend and be safe/check-in.) Put on a favorite outfit that you feel confident in and go dancing. Buy yourself a tiny charm with a rainbow or something and wear it somewhere hidden if you’re not ready for people to see it. But you’ll know it’s there! And it can be the tiniest act of secret rebellion and pride. Start somewhere.

Make an epic gay playlist. Sing “I Kissed a Girl” by yourself in your lovely cottage and scream it and dance.

More than dating right now, I feel like you could use some friends who are LGBTQ. Some apps let you specify friendship. That’s just a thought. It was years before I started finding lesbian friends. But before then I went on OKCupid searching for friends and found some lovely humans who were allies or who identified as queer. I used to just go hang out in the evenings at the only gay bar in my small city, and it felt so good to be around people who got it.

3. Build Support

That leads me to your next assignment. You need some support. It can be just one or two people. But you need to say the words out loud. It will relieve SO much of this pressure that’s building up. It sounds like your sister and best friend are great candidates for this. Think about if this situation was reversed, and they had a big part of themselves they shared with you but weren’t ready to share with the world yet–wouldn’t you be happy they trusted you with this important thing? Wouldn’t you be willing to keep that for a secret if they asked you to? Don’t worry about asking them to keep it a secret, that is a perfectly reasonable thing to ask! And you’re not saying keep it a secret forever, you are eventually going to get all the way out of that closet. Support is essential. It will help you keep up your courage when you start telling others, knowing you have someone on your side. It will help you not feel alone.

Allow those that love you to love all of you. Find one or two people you feel MOST safe with, and trust them with this part of you.

They might also have helpful advice when you decide to move forward in coming out to others, such as your father and godmother.

If not one of them, maybe there is someone not as integrated in your life that could be good to reach out to. When I came out, before I even told my siblings, I reached out to my older gay cousin, who I didn’t necessarily know super well. It was really helpful to have someone who was a little more objective, but still really cared about me, tell me it’s going to be ok.

Also think about finding a therapist. Therapy has been a lifesaver for me. Especially during defining times and big steps. Having an objective, non-judgmental person who has no ulterior motives and no vested interest in the direction of your life is so powerful. Because they literally just want what’s best for you! And can help you guide yourself through this. It would also be invaluable to have someone you’re meeting with before, during, and after coming out. They can provide a good perspective and watch your evolution and growth. They are also bound the secrecy by law! Haha. So you are safe there. Just something to think about!

I cannot describe the immense freedom you will feel telling this truth to someone face to face. You will take the a little more of the power out of the shame each time you tell someone.

4. Prepare for Various Outcomes

Sit down with a sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left side, write “what will happen if I never come out” and make a list of how you think your future will go if things remain as they are. What are you gaining? What are you losing? What do you look forward to? What do you miss out on? What are you excited about, and what do you fear? Take your time and really think it through. Then, on the right side of the page, do the same thing for “what will happen if I come out?” and envision your future in that scenario. Obviously you don’t know what’s going to happen in either case, because we can’t know the future–but take an educated guess.

Essentially it’s a pros and cons list. I’ve made lists like that for so many things in my life. What’s helpful, is it usually shows you where your heart lies, and which direction to move in. Not only that, but you can see it’s going to be ok.

Here’s the truth: you might lose some people when you come out. Or at least, they might not be as close as they were. But you distance yourself in your relationship with YOU as the alternative.

Think through your different outcomes. Think through worst case scenarios. Think of how you will feel. Think through best cases. Think through 20 years from now, what will matter. 5 years from now, what will matter. 6 months from now, what will matter. Think about what you want, in your soul. More than a job or car, what do you really and truly want out of life. Yes a partner, but also, authenticity of being yourself.

A few things will happen when you come out. Some people may be unhappy or hurt, or say hurtful things. Some people may surprise you with much better than expected reactions. Some people may be confused, or scared, or excited. But no matter what, you will be FREE and you will be true to yourself. That freedom is immeasurable. You will find your people, they will be drawn to you living genuinely and being brave. If your family doesn’t stick by you, or if they can’t accept you, and it will break your heart. But you will be ok. Also remember, sometimes these things take time with people, and they come around. Think through the worst cast scenarios and then picture yourself in that moment. Tell yourself, you will be ok. Think through how you will be ok. Have a game plan for taking care of yourself afterwards. Built that support.

When I came out to my father, I braced myself for the worst. He is a religious man, and holds fast to the Bible in the traditional sense. I knew he believed it was a sin. I told him, and he did not take it well. I was shaking, I was terrified. The conversation turned into an argument, and point by point he came at it as a debate that he was going to win. “You’re not gay, it’s just the ‘cool’ thing right now.” “You’re not gay, you just haven’t been able to get a guy yet.” “You’re not gay, I found your old journals once and you had a crush on a boy.” “You’re not gay, this is just a perverted channeling of your sexuality.” “We must have done something wrong for you to turn out this way.” “This is a choice, you are choosing this.” And it went on. And at the end of it, I did ask him, “Dad, would you rather have me be happy, or have me be straight?” and he couldn’t look me in the eye and give me an answer.

But many years have passed now, and we’ve revisited conversations. And I’ve seen him shift in the way he views this. I’ve seen how he’s treated partners I’ve brought home. And I have forgiven him for negative things he said in that moment. And he is so different now. I have NO doubt that if I framed that question again, he would say he wants me to be happy. Not only that, but I believe our relationship today is closer than it’s ever been because I am completely myself with him. My point is, it’s taken time. Prepare for the worst, and even if that is what happens, it’s STILL going to be ok. And it doesn’t even mean that relationship is lost. AT ALL. Even if people like your father and godmother react poorly in the moment, give them time. They love you.

Believe that love will win.

If the alternative is to not tell them, and keep the relationship… what kind of relationship will that be in the end? Each comment, like the one your godmother made, will slowly chip away at what you have. It will create a gulf between you. The more you accept yourself, without giving them a chance to accept you, the bigger the divide will be. And in the end, you will have only a partial relationship remaining.

If they fail you in this way, if they cannot accept you, you will find a way to form a new family. A family who accepts all of you.

I don’t think that’s your future. But even if it is, you’re going to be ok. I know I keep saying that… but it’s true!

5. Know that the Best is Yet to Come

I am going to tell you what someone told me when I was going through a dark time. “This bright path awaits you.” There is a bright path waiting for you, my dear. There is a bigger, fuller life waiting for you. A life that is something you will be proud to own and embrace. A life with a true love, a life where you are fully known by those who love you, and a life where you’ve shed your shame and walk with your head held high.

A life where you are most proud, not of your success or your work, but of your authenticity and bravery.

For your last assignment, I want you to write your future self a letter. Thank her for going through the hard things you will go through, thank her for fighting for your life. Thank her for being brave. Tell her all the things you want for her. Tell her you love her, and that you’re going to put in the work to get to that future.

YOU GOT THIS.

Who on earth told you 20s are the time of your life?? As a 30 year old looking back at that decade, I can tell you that the 20s is just a “work” decade. It’s a decade where you work on yourself. You work on finding your way in the world. And figuring out what you want in life. And who you want around you in life. And learning hard, hard lessons. And fucking up. And finding yourself. I was so relieved to graduate from my 20s! I can tell you 30s is already my favorite decade and I’ve just started it.

The BEST parts of life are still ahead for you, my dear.

Stop with all this nonsense about you having missed the best parts. They are waiting in your future until you’re ready! And it sounds to me like you are ready. You’ve put in a lot of work already in your 20s, and you’ve still got plenty of time. I didn’t come out until 22. I know quite a few strong women who waited until after 26 to come out! And who are now living fulfilling lives being openly gay. These opportunities don’t expire. You deserve all the good things this world has to offer–including a partner and a big love. It’s not too late. It is never too late.

You are not alone. It’s going to be ok.

Sending you love, light and strength across the ocean.

Your friend, Ruth

P.S. Write back with updates anytime! I’m also going to be sending you more things.

In the Shadows (Letter from Reader)

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Dear Ruth,

So, hi, my name is [Jane]. Although for reasons that will become clear in this letter please could you not publish my name if you do anything with this piece. Thank you and sorry. I think I just apologized to myself. I am so ashamed to say how I wish I could say yes publish my name everywhere. Let everyone hear it. But I’m not there yet and that leads me on to why I am writing this letter.

I have a lot of admiration for you. I have been reading your blogs for many years. When I still lived at home and deleted the history on my computer in case they figured out what a “fish out of water” meant. So much of what you have written was echoed in my life.

Yet in the same breath we live such different lives now. I’m 26. I live in a small town in the UK. And I am still burrowed in the closet. Your posts meant so much to me those years ago. You were my outlet and my link to a life and community I longed to be part of but was, and am, shutting myself away from.

I have known that I was gay on some level from about 14. Before this I didn’t even know it was an option otherwise I might have known sooner. This seems late to me. But it’s definitely late now. I’m 26. In your recent blog you described your new love. I know it’s uncouth to say, and I don’t mean this in the way that it’s going to come out, but I am so jealous. That is all I have ever wanted and you described it so perfectly. Like you no longer exist alone but are part of something bigger. Everything is brighter. I have had this only once with a girl, let’s call her Tilly. My very best friend is what we told others and ourselves. Actually we had such a deep connection and it was beautiful and painful.

It changed everything in me, everything about me. I’ve had relationships after this with men. But no feeling ever compared to simply holding her hand.

Sounds ridiculous but it’s true. We don’t speak now, haven’t in a very long time. She was in my life for such a short period of time but look at the impact on me. That should have told me the truth about myself a long time ago.

I am currently on holiday in Milan staying with my sister. As I sit on her balcony looking at the mountains I realize how beautiful life is and how much I want to see as much of it as possible. But something’s stopping me. I don’t want to experience the world alone. That might be the saddest thing I’ve ever written. But it’s my truth. I can do it, I have been doing it. I have a great life, I’m a teacher in the UK. I have bought my own house, a tiny cottage with beams from my dreams. I have my dream car. The most fabulous best friend a girl could ask for. Excellent colleagues (most of them anyway, you can’t have everything! haha) and have recently secured a massive promotion meaning that I am now Senior Management in my school. On the face of it I am successful. My parents are proud of my successes.

But I have failed at the most basic part: being who I am.

I am my job. And within my job I am who I think I should be. This of course means that I have not found a partner. What’s that famous saying ‘you have to love yourself before you can expect others to’. Well here’s the proof.

This holiday has given me a lot of time to think. If I am going to live authentically I am not sure that I have much time left. I am getting older. I know I’m not ancient but I am getting older. Your 20s are meant to be the highlight of your life, yet I am in the shadows. Safe in the dark, afraid of the rainbows. Funny how life works isn’t it.  Part of me knows that what I am doing to myself and what I have been doing to myself for so many years now is not fair. Who is it benefiting? No one. Perhaps my father? But would he really be happy knowing how unhappy I am? I honestly don’t know the answer to that one. Is this the lesser of two evils?

The biggest question I suppose is when is the right time to tell everyone as I think, to be honest, that I have missed it. No one knows. Everyone has assumed I am straight which is 100% my fault as I too have gone along with this. I have not stopped them. I didn’t know how to. I didn’t know if to. Now I see I should have for their perception of me is fixed yet so is who I have known I am for a very very long time. And as much as I have tried to ignore it, it has not gone away. It has built.

It is all I ever think about. Well that, and pizza and chocolate haha. It consumes me. It’s me. Yet it’s hidden. And I am living a life I don’t want or understand, and can’t change.

There are some people in my life that I feel will be totally accepting of me. My sister, my best friend of 10 years. But I don’t think it’s fair for me to tell them and expect them to keep it to themselves as I know others won’t be so welcoming. My mother accepts gay people openly but my father is not so forgiving. He and I are very close. He is the person I call when my kitchen is flooded or when I want to go out to dinner & celebrate a success or drink away a bad day at work. Is it selfish to not tell to preserve our relationship? Or even to take away from my relationship with everyone else as I’m not being myself merely to keep intact this father daughter one. It feels like a double-edged sword again to me. I’ve come to see more and more as I’ve gotten older that life is a balance. I think mine is off kilter.

My father is openly not okay or comfortable with gay people or lives. He has never alluded to violence but it’s the subtle comments that hurt the most when for example I have approached the subject about other people to test the water. It was not well received. My mother and father are still together but should have split up 15 years ago. My mother and I clash, she does not care about either my sister or I so doesn’t actually factor into my decision at all other than she lives with my father. My godmother on the other hand is the person most important in my life. She is the only other person to know everything about me. Everything  but this. She basically brought me up and through all of the terrible teenage disasters she loved me like a daughter. But, I’ve pulled away recently  for she showed me a side to her I would never have predicted. In one moment in our hours long phone calls she changed our relationship forever. She said it made her feel sick when she saw her two gay coworkers kiss. I was on my bed. I remember getting hot. Mumbling.

How do you respond to that when you have so much respect for that person for your whole life but absolutely detest what she has said and feel the absolute opposite.

I wish she could know how much that comment has affected the trajectory of the rest of my life. Back to the risk factor now. How brave am I? Should I tell her in the hope of changing a viewpoint for the better but in doing so risk losing my support, my wonderful godmother?

Goodness I have written so much. This is what happens when you don’t tell anyone, I suppose. When the opportunity comes, it overflows. Really I just would to talk, to discuss the things I care about but no one understands or is interested in. To gain another opinion on what I should do, although in some respects I already know that I have to come out.

I am running out of time to enjoy my life. I am stealing my own time. Perhaps I just need to know someone will be there in the aftermath.

I know no other lesbians. My town is small. I added Tinder recently, bravely ticking ‘only women’ but instantly regretted it when 1 of the 5 local lesbians was a friend of a friend who I am now terrified will out me. I will never be part of this community or have local minded friends if I don’t come out. But of course, like all other LGBT people–how do I do that? What do you wish you had known or done differently when you were going through this? Do you have an opinion? I am open to them all at this point.

Really, I suppose, I’m looking for a conversation. A conversation with a real person. A real person who doesn’t know me but probably knows me better than anyone in my life. Someone who has been through the things that I am afraid to approach.

I am so happy to hear about your new love, how’s it going? While I’m still at this point I may as still live vicariously through others haha. Thank you for what you do and for the opportunity to submit my feelings this way. Sorry for the essay.

Lots of love, Jane

xxx

A Constant Test

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Dear Nora,

My last letter was so long, I am going to try and be a little more brief this time. No guarantees though… but first—tell me all the things! What’s the latest on your processes? How is your work on resistance going (good resistance vs bad)? Any updates on grad school and moving? Any changes on things with Cory or Abby? How are the sexcapades? How is your self-care going? 

My forever alone update: I have been working hard on all of my aspirations for the year. I am learning to play the ukulele and I love it! I am reading lots of books, and seeking out the stories of others. I am cooking all the things, and often improvising or combining recipes…etc. I am doing some healthier activities and habits for my body and it feels good. I am taking myself on dates and to fun concerts, and branching out to meet new people. Of course I have many things still to do, but my process feels good.

Treat yo self! Got myself new glasses and a giant carrot onesie from Hannah Hart… because… why not?

It feels good. Minus one part. NORA, WHY. Why must sex be this constant nagging little reminder in my brain all the time. “Pst, Ruth… hey… remember me?”. It is insistent. It is loud. I am two weeks away from my solid 3 month goal. And I am proud of me. Some days are just fine, but I’ve come to realize more than ever, that my body and its sexual needs are just a part of who I am and part of being human. I worry a little if something is wrong with me…

But then I remember biology and that I am a 30-year-old woman with a fairly strong sex drive in the height of what my body believes are my time-to-get-pregnant years.

Long story short, I need it and I miss it. Not just actual sex, I miss just physical intimacy… being held, being kissed, having my neck messaged… Yes, I can live without it. I am fine. But not having sex just makes it take up a disproportional part of my thoughts. And apparently a disproportional part of this letter!

Ok, moving on…

Me and Magpie showing off our black and white outfits and lookin cute.

Wait.. never mind, I need to talk about it just a little bit more. Ok, so, I’ve figured out, if I’m going to wait another 3 months before considering dating (which is my intention)… I’m going to need more than just a new fancy dildo. I need a hookup buddy. Like, someone I have no interest in dating, but feel safe and comfortable with and attracted to. Who is in a similar situation to me. I have been mulling over where this unicorn could come from. I think my takeaway from last summer is that occasionally, with the right person, I can have sex without a bunch of emotional complications. I have no fucking clue how I’d broach that subject with someone. “Hey girl, you seem chill and I’m attracted to you and looking for a no-strings-attached sex buddy. You wanna? LMK, tnx. *hugs*” Help me Nora. How do I do this? Do I just need to place a craiglist ad or something? Or is this a dumb idea? Do I just need to deal and wait until I find the next girl I’m gonna date?

That sounds disastrous because I think I’m waaaaaaay more likely to jump into the wrong relationship if I’m on major sex withdrawal….

On the friend side of things, progress with me and Elise has been really positive and no worries about re-sparking anything there. I got to hang with her girlfriend for the first time the other day (remember the one she started dating a month after we broke up?) and I like her a lot. Elise and I are opposites in more ways than we are similar, so I think we’re still figuring out what a healthy and functioning friendship means. But it’s felt like a good thing so far. We are taking it slowly. 

Lily and I are still in a weird zone of not sure how to act around each other. She usually cries when she sees me, and I just feel kinda blah and tell her time will heal this, and don’t really know what else to say. She says all of her romantic feelings are gone, but she still feels jealous thinking about me moving on. So… I think there’s still more to work out there. I, on the other hand, just feel kind of annoyed, and bad for her and occasionally guilty—but also—not really. This is just life. I know my intentions were good, and I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but it is what it is. Am I a cold bitch? I don’t know what I expected in terms of timeline. But I am ready to just be friends. She wants to be ready, but is not.

Hannah. Hannah is a whole other story. Being single again has allowed me to spend quite a bit of time getting to know her. The more I know, the more I like her. I feel a really great kind of bond with her. She is really intelligent and goofy and has just an all-around great disposition and we have fun together and I am myself around her and excited to see her. Last summer when we briefly dated, we had good chemistry, and that has been haunting me lately. Here is someone, available, who I like very much as a person, who I already know is an excellent kisser… but I quickly had to rule out “friends with benefits” because she’s just as bad as I am at not getting emotionally hooked when there’s a physical connection happening. Case closed, right? But then… she told me the other night she has developed some substantial feelings for me. Noooooooooooo. Nora, why???? Why can’t I just have a friend without it leading to more? After she told me about her feelings, I let out a scream of frustration in my car because I was so excited about her and I don’t want to lose her. To make matters worse, I think I am feeling something too. But I don’t trust my feelings. And more importantly, IT DOES NOT MATTER. Because I am not deviating from my plan. 

How easy it would be to fall into that. Far too easy. In a heartbeat, I could be cuddled up next her and deep into it again.

Why do I have this inner resistance to maintaining my single status? Am i sabotaging myself? Or am I resisting being with her because there is something there and I’m afraid of it? Afraid of repeating what happened with Lily? How do I know what resistance is healthy? I don’t have a strong gut feeling that “yes, this is it”, but I also don’t have a feeling of “definitely not”. I instead feel this pull towards her with no explanation of why, but it feels like a special connection, a kinship of sorts. And maybe it’s just a long-term friendship type of bond. But with the attraction to her, and with my sex withdrawals—my brain is fuzzy. I’ve been trying to look past that and just focus deliberately on just getting to know her and feel out why we feel drawn to each other without jumping to conclusions like I did with Lily and breaking promises to myself. Send me all your good energy Nora, I think I’m gonna need some outside strength. I’m praying that somehow her feelings for me just go away and we stop being attracted to each other. But I don’t know how to silence the part of me is saying “what if…? Dating her would be so different for me than anyone I’ve dated…. Maybe different is good, maybe different is right…” I think the best way that I can describe it is I feel fond of her and intrigued by her. 

I really appreciated what you shared about internal resistance (i.e. working against yourself vs. protecting yourself), and I’ve been thinking on that quite a bit. I watched the video and I think there is a lot of truth there.

The issue, like you said, is knowing the difference.

Lately I’ve been feeling a tangle of resistance and I can’t sort it out. My body is being so loud and annoying, and my heart and mind are bickering and I don’t feel at peace within myself. What do I need to do? Isolate myself from humanity? Not hang out around any lesbians? Why does this keep happening? Thank GOD for Penny. Penny is my best friend in Portland, and she and I have never struggled with any other layers of anything. It’s been a pure friendship without confusion for both of us—what a miracle! I’ve known her for two years, and become closest to her over the past year and I honestly don’t know what I would have done without her. The other day I was telling her all about my situation with Hannah and she gave it to me straight “RUTH, if she was it for you… you would know. And you probably would break your 6 month thing and just go for it. But you’re finding ways to justify how she might be for you. So no matter what happens in the future, you need to proceed with ‘she is not for you RIGHT NOW, and probably never.’”

Hannah says she can have a friendship with me, no problem. That she can prioritize logic over feelings and she is fine and it doesn’t hurt her to do that. And that she wants me in her life, whatever form that takes. I am trying to trust that is true. I told her friendship is all I have to offer her. As for me, in two weeks I need to find a hookup l buddy and get some of my pent-up energy out so my brain can clear and my body can be quiet. And hold fast to my process, as you call it. 

I’m working hard Nora. It’s hard to be forever alone, and also hard to ensure I stay that way. Why must life be a constant test that I feel doomed to fail?

I’d love to hear updates from you. And any advice or tough love you have please send them my way. Thank you for lending a listening ear. I love you Nora!

Resisting, Ruth

We are bigger than we know

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Dear Nora, 

First of all, let me say congratulations on the new masters program! That is badass Nora! I know it’s plan B (B for badass?), but who knows what new doors it will lead to, or who you’ll meet, or how it will move you towards your dreams or evolve your dreams. The important thing is that you are moving forward, in spite of doors persistently not opening. I am proud of you! (Um also… three words about your interview look: hot damn girl.) You’re slaying 2017 already. 

I’m excited for you to be back on the east coast. I feel like your heart has been there all along. Even apart from Cory. I know the hope you’ve held onto for so long has conditioned you to envision her waiting at the end of that road. Maybe somehow moving back there will be the last step you need to release yourself. Maybe her being within reach and now watching all of the magic dissolve, you will be able to once and for all disenchant yourself of her. I’m sorry that you’ve felt like you’ve regressed lately. It’s ok to take steps backwards—your feet are still pointing in the direction you want to go and that is where you’re headed. I know you’re tired. Feel what demands to be felt. Most importantly, have compassion for yourself.

As far as all of those things she said to you Nora… all I can say is… you deserve a great love (or many!). And someone who says those things is not it.

If someone doesn’t fight for you, they aren’t for you. Period.

Sometimes someone doesn’t fight because they’re afraid. Sometimes someone doesn’t fight because they don’t love you enough, or don’t love themselves enough. Sometimes someone doesn’t fight because they don’t believe, deep down, that they deserve you. Sometimes someone doesn’t fight because the timing is off. Sometimes someone doesn’t fight because they already have too many of their own battles they need to fight for themselves. I don’t know all of her reasons Nora. But I do know, you deserve to have someone who fights for you—through distance, or school, or families. Someone who doesn’t back away and make excuses like “it’s not logical to be together” and “the only reason I have to fight for you is love… and that’s not enough”. The truth is you really put yourself out there for her, risked a lot and sacrificed a lot and invested so much emotionally. You’re not just losing the future you hoped for, you feel like all that you put into it is now wasted. And that’s a shitty feeling. It’s like her telling you all that you invested just isn’t worth that much. (That’s a lie btw… she just doesn’t appreciate the value of what you’re offering.)

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said “she may be who I want, but she’s not what I want.” (Isn’t that just the fuckery of life—Lily was totally what I want, but not who I want.)

I know I’m just repeating stuff back to you that you already know. I will say one more thing… actually, two things. 1) the pain will go away, however… 2) you’ve got to choose to let it go Nora. For the love of god delete those goddamn messages. Stop rereading that convo. Keeping them has served it’s purpose—you said yourself you’ve accepted she’s not for you. What good can come of rehashing it? Delete that shit woman! Obviously it’s about more than a series of text messages, but the first step of letting the pain go is to cleanse your life of things that keep bringing fresh reminders of the pain and rejection.

Boston is new and shiny and all yours. No one is going to dim your light. You are starting an exciting chapter all on your own and a bright path awaits you. 

I’m sorry to hear that Abby has not been a good support for you. That makes me so sad. I know her position is tricky, and I know you care a lot about each other. It is ok to take a step back if that feels like the healthy choice for you right now. For your sake and hers, I hope you will be able to work through that together. But I know that is not always possible when someone tries to remain friends with both parties of the breakup. Personally I essentially lost some friends when Kay & I ended, even though she was the one who wronged me… but then I left. Since she was still there in their daily lives, they remained her friends and didn’t reach out across the distance to me. 

I am sending all the good vibes your way Nora. 

I appreciate your word vomit because it makes me feel like I can do that too! So here goes…

At the end of every relationship, I seem to mourn the loss of that first one all over again. A fresh loss triggers a reminder of the loss. It’s like each new loss is an echo of the first. 

I’m not sure how to feel about that, or what to do with it. I think it just means I have yet to find something that is embedded as deeply in my soul as my life with Kay was. 

I received a message out-of-the-blue from a girl I went to college with. Not someone I know well at all. But had nice recollections of nonetheless. Let’s call her Becca. Becca messaged me on instagram and said told me she lives in my old house now. She gets mail sometimes and recognized my name and looked me up. That, by itself is a fun coincidence. But then she went on to tell me, that after graduating from our small, Christian college she married a man, but it wasn’t until she met and fell hard for a woman she worked with that she really experienced falling in love and sexual fulfillment for the first time. Her story is beautiful and heartbreaking. She spent years trying to suppress what she knew to be the real her. Her father is a pastor, her family is not supportive at all. But in spite of everything she said “fuck it” and was very brave and chose to live out who she is, married this woman, and they bought the very house in Indianapolis that Kay & I used to live in. 

Not only do they live there with her daughter and their cat, they were married in that house and when she sent me photos of them standing in front of what used to be our fireplace, sharing their “you may now kiss the bride” moment my heart exploded with joy and also shades of sadness.

It felt like I was almost looking at my own alternate life. I know a house is just a house, but when Kay and I found that place together it meant so much more than that to me. It symbolized everything I had always wanted. We had done about 5 years of dating during school & being long distance, and it had taken such a toll on my heart. We found this house when I was looking to finally finally move to Indianapolis and we’d be together and truly start our lives. Being in that house meant that my heart and home were finally under the same roof. We moved in and it was literally my dream come true. Gorgeous 3-bedroom, with a piano and a fireplace and a yard. Summers there everything blooming around the house, with parties of friends in the back yard. Winters snuggled up in bed together, shoveling snow off the sidewalk and making a fire. It was never about the house. It was about being there with Kay. Getting to see her everyday was all I had ever wanted. Waking up next to her and attacking her with kisses when she got home from work and taking a thousand pictures of our cats together.

Here is where Becca & I’s stories take different paths. She met and fell in love with a woman who was where she was at. Out and proud and knows how lucky she is to have found Becca. Building that life together and living openly and creating their home. Unfortunately when I was with Kay she was not in that place. So although we had all the ingredients to start that life together, Kay wasn’t ready to accept herself, love herself the way she would need to in order to live like that. Instead of getting married in front of that fireplace (not that we could have at the time anyway, it still wasn’t legal in Indiana), that is where the final scenes of our relationship played out. 

It makes me really happy to know that the house gets to have a happy (and gay) future with Becca & her wife there now. I am sending her this drawing I did of the house when I lived there with congratulations and best wishes. 

I also sent Kay a text and thanked her for the beautiful life we had together. Truly, I’m thankful for it every day. I had a really good thing, for so many years with her. And even though I wanted a different ending, at the time, I know now it’s ok that it didn’t go that way.

Not every love story has a happy ending… but it is still a love story.

My sister told me that once. It’s also ok, that 2.5 years after it ending, I still am mourning it’s loss in some ways. 

As I gain perspective with time and distance, more than ever I have been able to let go of the sad parts. Thank them for what they taught me, and remember the good. I was reminded of this the other day, when Jill reached out to me. Jill is a girl who was unfortunately quite tangled up in Kay & I’s relationship at the end of it. She was a co-worker of Kay’s, and they were sleeping together behind my back. I was jealous of her, without even knowing the truth of what was going on. When I did an attitude adjustment and let Jill into our lives the three of us really bonded and together we all proceeded into emotionally dangerous territory. Kay and I ended up breaking up, I found out the truth of their affair, and then for reasons I’m still a little hazy on, I dating Jill for a brief spell. I mean, it was clearly a rebound, but it was much more than that. It was me hiding in terror from the pain that was about to ensue from losing Kay and being betrayed by her. As I’ve reflected on it over this time it’s also been a source of shame for me that I would date someone who had been sleeping with my girlfriend (aka who had played a big role in causing me immense pain). It felt disrespectful to myself. Anyway, fortunately (and with much hard work) I’ve been able to forgive myself for that, considering all that I was going through at the time I think all I owe myself is compassion and grace.

So yes, I surprised myself when I heard from Jill that I have zero bad feelings surrounding her now. I went through periods of lots of anger and sadness and pain, but now I am able to view her as she is, just a human who fucked up. I have forgiven her, and Kay, and myself for all that happened and Nora, it honestly is the best feeling in the world to be able to have let that go. Repeat it? Never. But harbor it? Useless. Forgive it? Freedom.

She reached out to me to let me know, that she is considering a move to the Pacific Northwest, and possibly Portland. In the future. Maybe. And she wanted to respect the life I’ve created here and just make sure it didn’t make me uncomfortable. Of course that’s unnecessary, but kind nonetheless. I am happy to say that I could genuinely respond to her, without hesitation, that it wouldn’t make me uncomfortable, and that I think good things about her and I’d welcome her to Portland if she made that decision.

We are bigger than we know. So much bigger. If we choose to be.

That’s how I’ve been feeling these days. Bigger than I knew. I feel full and alive and just at the start of something. I am stepping up my self-love game. I think it’s time for me to start writing in earnest. It’s always been a dream of mine to write but also my biggest fear is to try that and fail and I’ve let that hold me back. I have been trying all the things lately that make me scared or uncomfortable. Getting my first tattoo (I say first, because now I just want more). Going to new groups and events to meet new people, that are outside of my comfort zone. Trying out with as a solo or small group for a choir song (I prefer hiding in the big group). Giving more of myself at work, even in areas I don’t feel confident. 

water / feminine divine / balance / creation / harmony

I am not anyone’s other half. I love just being a whole.

Why do I feel so alive when I’m not in a relationship? Is this just an indicator of a thirst that needs to be quenched? Or does it mean something else? Like… I am meant to be alone? And if I feel this strongly why do I still do a double take at a cute girl? I’m not sure, but I do know that I need to continue down this path.

I’m not going to lie, it hasn’t all been easy so far. It’s been almost 2 months since breaking up with Lily. I miss having someone to hold me at night sometimes—I love cuddling so much. I miss having a go-to person to tell things to. I miss sex. Good lord do I miss sex. I’m still aiming for 3 months being celibate but it is… a challenge. 

I’ve been spending some time with Hannah, one of the girls I had briefly dated this summer. That’s been really fun as we’ve been able to move past the dating side of things and begin a genuine friendship. (Elise and I have also been tentatively venturing into friendship territory. I have some mixed feelings about that, but so far it’s been a positive thing.) 

Is it possible to be in the honeymoon phase of singleness? Because if so, I think I’m in it. I can’t really say this without sounding like an ass, but I think I’m falling in love with myself a little bit.

Single and not ready to mingle,

Love, Ruth

P.S. Did you end things with Karina or Key? It sounded like you were right on the edge of that last time you wrote…

P.P.S. Magpie says hi to Toby.

The Quiet Between Breaths

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Dear Nora,

Thank you for your prompt response. Those were exactly the words I needed to hear on such a bummer of a Valentine’s Day. Your seed analogy was especially helpful and comforting! You are a wise one and I appreciate you taking the time to write and care.

My days have tossed me back and forth between two different moods: 1) OMG yes, I love being single, and 2) meh :-/

Your comment about having the kind of sad feeling about not being in love resonated with me. I feel very much whole, very much excited about my life, and very much well… yes, sad…or maybe… a little displaced. I’ve spent most of the last 10 years in a relationship or in a very short space between, during which I was crushing on someone new or crying about the previous person (or both). But now there is absolutely no one. It’s quiet and echoing in here and I think I’m about to get cozy in this big empty space that’s just me.

My favorite moment in swimming is the quiet space, when you grab some air, hold your breath and then put your head under and glide forward under water. Any noise around you goes away. And it’s just you and your limbs and your heartbeat and your thoughts, moving through the water weightlessly.

It feels like I am in that space right now. The quiet space between breaths. It feels like the space where I hear only my own thoughts, and I can reach, reach, reach and move myself forward.

I made a pledge to myself, again. (But for realz this time!) I’m spending 3 months being celibate (Feb-Apr). That will be the longest I’ve gone without sex since I became sexually active at age 21. I know myself well enough at this point to know that physical things are a distraction to me. And I don’t need that. I think it’s important that I’m not sucked into my next thing solely because I get emotionally entangled from a physical connection with someone. Ok, so in addition to the 3 months thing, I am doing 6 months (Feb-Jul) of not considering any new relationships. After 3 months I may start casually dating again, but I’m trying to hold off until the end of the summer before I consider anything “real” again. So help me god.

Side Note: It sounds so arrogant for me to be all like “I’m going to hold off of all these things” like there’s a line outside my door or something. But seriously, 3 and 6 months will be my record and it’s just because I fall into that shit way too fast and too easily and turn into a giggly school girl and I’m determined not to do that this time. Ugh, each sentence I write I feel like I’m jinxing myself. Send the army if I fail this time Nora! This is not a drill.

Luckily I currently feel so removed from “in love” feelings now that I’m having trouble recalling what those truly felt like. Why was I so controlled by them? Do they put me under some kind of spell? What if I’ve lost all ability to fall deeply in love? I’m afraid I’ll never “find what I once had”, like what I had for all those years of being head-over-heals, torturously in love with Kay, because I’ll never BE that girl again. I’ve lost that “me” because I’ve outgrown that version of myself. She believed in all sorts of magic—she lived in a blissfully ignorant and much smaller world. Sometimes I miss her. She was so content with her life because she knew nothing else. But  I can’t go back. I can never be her again, and even though I miss her sometimes, I don’t want to be her again. I’m just going to have to discover a new kind of magic. Or better yet, create my own.

If I know one thing right now, it’s that I don’t want this time to just be the “time between relationships”. I want this to be the period of growing, the time of knowing myself and loving myself. The time of “fuck yes, this is my life”. And it may last 6 months, or it may last 6 years before I find the connection that is truly worth me trading in my single life. But whatever amount of time it is, I won’t be twiddling my thumbs waiting for princess charming. Most importantly—I’m acknowledging that there’s a possibility that she may never come, I’m realizing that is ok too.

Here’s what I know: I only get one life—so I’m sure as hell going to allow myself to be as picky as I like about who I share it with.

I love being responsible for only myself (and Magpie). I love sleeping in my own bed sprawled out and spending my time how I please, and not having my experiences or schedule filtered through someone else’s moods or needs. I check my phone less because I’m not having to keep up any conversations throughout the day. I get more sleep, I listen to more music and I spend less money. I’ve been going to swim, and dancing more and giving myself more grace and positive self-talk. I’ve been filling my basket at the store with mostly healthy things and baking kale chips and eating lots of avocado and treating myself to dark chocolate that melts in my mouth. I love taking a bath for two hours full of bubbles and fancy bath oils and reading a book from the library and having to answer to no one except my kitten who has meowing conversations with me. The best part is feeling that no one else is entitled to my love and my time, except me. I don’t know why I’ve been savoring that so much, but it’s delicious and I think I was craving it.

I think that’s my confirmation that this is what I need. Being alone feels good and feels right to me.

What if I always feel that way? If I’m so happy on my own, why do I keep falling into relationships? I keep assuring myself that I’m not “one of those girls” who always has to be dating someone. But Nora, apparently I AM if my history is any indication! My therapist pointed out that there is probably some kind of need there that I’ve routinely just filled with a relationship, because it’s a comfortable role for me. The need itself is a good and normal thing, I just have to find other ways to meet it. So, what’s the need? I like having someone to help, to serve, to take care of. I like feeling needed. I like feeling like a good thing. I like being adored. As part of my challenge this year of being mindful, I need to focus on ways to fulfill those needs outside of a relationship.

Ok, I’m sorry for the quite long monologue of nothingness. You get the gist. Forever alone club it is! Thanks for the warm welcome back.

An update on Lily: We got together for a bite the other day because she wanted to share some things with me. She is exceeding all my expectations of handling things well and using this time and energy to take good care of herself. She had some roadblocks that were keeping her from fully accepting and loving herself and it is AWESOME to see the light in her eyes as she tells me about the work she’s doing to overcome those barriers. She said she feels like she’s been reborn and sees herself in a new way and she thanked me and told me I was the catalyst to start her on this path. I’m so proud of her, and very hopeful for friendship ahead for us.

An update on Magpie: she gets cuter every day and is my favorite person.

Now I want an update on you! How was the training in February for Crisis Counseling (that sounds intense)? How is yoga in March going (that sounds delightful–a month of free yoga? I’m hella jelly!)? How are Karina and Key? Have you talked to Cory at all? What was your Boston trip for? Updates updates! What are you doing on Wednesday to celebrate International Women’s Day?

fur-ever alone and cat-ing,

Love, Ruth

P.S. We have been writing each other for over a year now! I’m so proud of us.

P.P.S. One of my favorite songs right now is this one by Emily King, called BYIMM (by you I mean me). And it sounds a like a love song thanking a someone for being wonderful, but then you realize she’s thanking herself. When I googled the music video to send to you I was delighted to see it features Tituss Burgess (who is hilarious… I know him from The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt)!

Gutted

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Dear Nora,

Thank you for writing, I have missed you. I’m afraid my updates for you are far from the “perfect lesbian life”. I ended things with Lily about a week ago and this week has been one of a heavy heart. It gutted me to end it, but I knew it was the right thing to do. Let me go back and explain.

Everything was moving along swiftly and swimmingly with Lily and I honestly could not ask for a better girlfriend. But a few months in, a pit arose in my stomach and a small voice told me “this isn’t it for you, Ruth”. Per my habit, I told the voice to shut up and continued. There was nothing “wrong” in our relationship! We literally didn’t even fight! It was peaceful and easy and fun–we cooked together and took time apart and did all the adulting things. More than that, I was myself, fully, while being in it. The voice didn’t know what it was talking about.

Lily, Magpie & Me being goofy

But it persisted, and it grew louder. It was my gut speaking up. Eventually I started to listen to it, and after fighting it for a while longer, I gave in to the Truth. I was so happy with Lily. But I was not in love. I didn’t have the deepest kind of feelings I needed to have. I have a huge place for her in my heart, and think the world of her, but I didn’t have the butterflies, the excitement, the hunger and fire I needed to make this a long term relationship. Not everyone needs those things… but I know that I do. I had excitement and hope at the beginning of where I pictured us going, but something was missing for me–I realized as we dated–and I knew I wasn’t going to get there. The realization gave me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Unfortunately when it comes to relationships, the long term ones have to be a unanimous decision made by your body, your heart, your mind, and your gut or else they’ll unravel.

And there seemed to be some divided opinions amongst my body, mind, heart & gut that were unwilling to be swayed. The only right thing to do next was to be honest with Lily and to let her go, so that she can find someone who can be in 100%, the way she deserves. I felt a sense of urgency to end it sooner rather than later, since I was the first person to hold her heart like that–I knew the longer I waited the more damage it could do.

That was some of the most painful news I’ve ever had to deliver. She was so upset Nora. So angry and hurt and betrayed and heartbroken. She felt it was so unfair that I never gave her a chance to weigh in on the decision to end the relationship. She said she should have gotten a chance to fight for it. But I didn’t feel right allowing her to fight for something my gut told me was not mine to keep. It’s so hard to explain to someone that nothing is wrong with them, and that in fact they’re the most wonderful person, but still, you cannot stay.

Trust that the most compassionate thing of all is to release those we don’t love hard enough or true enough or big enough or right. Believe we are all worthy of hard, true, big, right love.

–“Brave Enough”, Cheryl Strayed

I beat myself up for a while for not being able to love her the right way, for not being able to give back to her what she was giving to me, in the long term way she deserved. But then I realized how futile that is, and how unfair to myself. So I reframed my self talk:

“It’s ok Ruth. It’s ok if you can’t give everyone, everything they need. It’s ok that you tried to love her in that way and ultimately couldn’t give her that. It’s ok that you went in thinking it would go a certain way and it went another way. You tried. You gave it your best. It’s ok to love someone and then realize they’re not the one for you. It’s ok to walk away. Be compassionate, be respectful, be kind, be thankful. It’s ok to take care of yourself and do what feels right in your gut. I give you permission to love and not end up with someone. I give you permission to listen to yourself.  It doesn’t make you heartless. It doesn’t make you a quitter. It doesn’t make you a liar. It makes you brave. It makes you honest.”

I don’t regret dating her, even though it caused her pain in the end. I know she will heal. I think we will both be stronger and the love we shared will leave more happy memories than sad ones. I know I learned a lot and I think she did too. She gave me a new kind of hope, that it is possible to be free and myself and not people-please in a relationship. I don’t know why she isn’t mine for sure Nora, but I am trusting it. I am trusting that I will know why some day, and I hope she will too. I am also holding out hope that she will be able to come back into my life as a friend, when she is ready. She wants that, too. We have a special connection, and even though it’s going to be different than what I thought, I think there is still something very much worth saving there.

I watched the visions I had for us and our future go out of focus in my mind. And it was like watching a different life that might have been mine, but wasn’t meant for me. Something else is meant for me and I feel it coming. I feel like there is hard work ahead for me this year, I feel like there is something for me to do, to work on, to become. And I feel like I am supposed to do it on my own, and that I will be alone for a while this time. I feel this calm sense of peace, but also the weight of something coming. It may just be growing pains. Whether I like it or not, I am making room for something bigger in my life.

So much in so little time, already in 2017. What else will this year hold? The current political climate has been like a living nightmare, watching it unfold. It is terrifying. I have been heartened by the outcry of people, by the uprising of so many–joining  together to fight to keep progress in place that has already been hard fought, and to push on ahead. Marching in the women’s march. Going to protests. Calling our representatives. I am going to focus on a few areas this year as well. First and foremost, I have come to realize I can only be an effective advocate and ally if I am truly educated to the experiences of others. And there is no excuse for ignorance. So I’m working to seek out the stories of those who have been oppressed in our country. The list is long, but I think starting by understanding better the lives and experiences of women of color especially will help me be able to better fight for my sisters. I have also felt really compelled to better understand and advocate for climate justice, especially as it effects social justice.

I’ve just been asking myself “How can I amplify the voices of those who are silenced?” “How can I share the stories of those who’s stories have been lost or untold?” The first step is to seek out those stories and hear those voices.

I’ve been really in awe and inspired by some powerful women who have charged ahead through endless obstacles throughout their lifetime, recently I got to hear Janet Mock and Dr. Melba Beals speak. I also finished reading Sisters in Law, about the first women on the Supreme Court and the fight for women’s legal equality–Ruth Bader Ginsberg is my personal hero. It was well timed with the women’s march.

Thank you for my hat!!!

I think you are right to focus on a few core issues. So that is where I am beginning. In addition to women of color and climate + social justice, I also feel called to work on building the bridge over the gap in this country. I know it is a huge gap. But the truth is Nora, I used to stand on the other side–growing up I thought George Bush was God’s gift to the earth and that nothing was more wrong than abortion and homosexuality. I feel ashamed of that now, but I honestly didn’t know any better and that was the “truth” I had been taught. And look where I’ve evolved to! Just a big-ole liberal lesbian living on the West Coast protesting Trump and marching for women’s rights. I know there are others over there who would do better if they knew better. I know there are others like me who can change. Maybe I can help them know better.

I am so excited for you and your SLAY goals this year. If anyone can SLAY, it’s you!! I’m happy to be here to encourage you along the way. I am glad we can encourage each other. With the breakup and the political clusterfuckness of this year so far, I am determined more than ever to be mindful of how I use my time and energy, how I treat myself, and to make the most of this year.

Love, Ruth

P.S. Send good thoughts into the universe for Lily when you think of it. She deserves all the good things this world has to offer.

P.P.S. THANK YOU FOR MY PUSSY HAT AND GAYEST PILLOW EVER. I love them so much. Everyone should buy things from your shop!!!

P.P.P.S. I compiled my list of intentions/things to work on this year too!

Fresh tracks

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Dear Nora,

Happy New Year! I have said Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, but I think it is actually New Year. I love fresh starts, as clean as the snow falling on the mountain. I love the reminder the life is cyclical and there is always opportunity to grow, and start back at the beginning and make fresh tracks.

I spent the Christmas holiday with Lily and her family in Florida, and New Years with her and some friends in a cabin on snowy Mt. Hood. How do I feel about things getting more official and serious? Higher stakes are scary. Holding the heart of someone who’s never entrusted their heart to anyone is an honor, but is scary too–even though I remind myself she’s responsible for herself just as much as anyone. Heartbreak is an exercise that I believe has ultimately made my heart stronger, and if I were to go through it again I already know there is light at the end of that tunnel–but I certainly didn’t know that the first time I went through it. Honestly I think for me the scariest part is that one year ago, I was in the midwest meeting Elise’s parents on Christmas Day. What scares me is the way I go into things with so much excitement, so much hope, and then one year later I’m sitting around the Christmas tree with Lily’s lovely family in Florida, opening gifts from her mother and drinking bloody marys. Reflecting on where things were last year has been sobering to me. I feel like I am just a tiny little fool in this huge universe who thinks I know everything, but then moments like this remind me how small and not in control I am. It’s reminded me to give these moments the gravity they deserve.

All I can do is be true to myself, follow my gut, keep moving forward and humble myself with the knowledge that I can’t know what’s going to happen.

It’s also reminded me to appreciate it. As serious as all that is, the break in Florida with Lily and her family was so good, and lighthearted and fun and refreshing. It felt like the first time that the parents of the girl I’ve been dating have truly welcomed me into their home, in a way that I felt wanted not just tolerated. I had our blog conversations on my mind as I was there, as Lily’s parents are supporters of Trump. Ugh. Lily wasn’t quite sure how they would handle meeting a girlfriend, but they pleasantly surprised both of us. I think it was good for her too, to be herself in front of them in a new way, to see them in a new way.

Hearing your story of Cory and her mom boiled my blood. I really have no words… I know it sounds so cliché, but truly Nora–you deserve better. No one can help if they’re born to racist close-minded WASPy parents, but for her not to defend the girl she loves to that kind of bigotry. The fact she couldn’t even justify her actions to you? Wouldn’t even talk to you over the phone? I kind of feel sorry for her, she’s going to allow herself to remain under her mother’s thumb as long as the money matters, as long as she can’t be honest about who she really is to her family. That girl has some battles to fight. And those battles our no longer yours to share because she allowed you to be a casualty in them. I’m so sorry that it’s ended, and especially in that way. You said, “I should know better than to feel this way”, but try your best to allow your feelings to exist without assigning judgment to them. You can’t expect those hopes to die overnight, especially after you’ve fostered them so carefully for so long.

It would be heartbreaking for you to lose Abby over this. I don’t know your relationship with her or the dynamic with the three of you. But it’s hard to imagine, if she knows the whole situation and knows you well, that she would choose Cory’s side. There are few things stronger than close friendships, and it sounds like you and Abby have something really good.

With the new year has come an irresistible urge to take a step back and look at my life and growth over the past year, and to move forward in a mindful way. Lately I’ve been wanting to hunker down, burrow in my little studio and work on myself.

I want to build a cocoon around myself so I can just focus on the transformation into the person I feel I am becoming.

Possibly the “person I am becoming” is crazy cat lady…

To write, to read, to practice mediation and yoga and go swim laps. Having a cat isn’t helping motivate me to leave my apartment either. Nora, I fucking love this little ball of fur so much! She is seriously like medicine for my soul. Her goofiness getting tangled in her toys, her playfulness running around, her demands for lovins and cuddles, how she headbutts my head with her head and trusts me and lays next to me or sits on my lap. As you might guess, all this nesting desire is not necessarily congruent with a relationship. I think me expressing some of my desire to be home more or do stuff alone has made Lily feel bad in some ways, but she is as understanding as I could ask for and wants to help work towards that balance, for herself too. I feel like I really have never mastered that in a relationship, but I am working on it.

I was proud that my “top nine” on instagram this year showed me being myself, adopting Magpie and going on adventures… and for the first time weren’t focused on a relationship.

I’ve never been so determined to take good care of something as I am to take care of Magpie. As I was researching in detail what types of foods are best for her and what she needs in her little cat diet, I had a moment of realization of why the fuck don’t I take this much care of myself? I have been sloppy with how I treat my body lately, not really noticing what I’m eating, not listening to what it needs. Thinking mean things about it. I have PCOS – a fairly common condition in women that can cause weight gain through extra insulin production and hormonal imbalances that throw all sorts of things out of whack. Regulating my glucose, even on a basic level–just eating things not high in sugar, and getting some regular exercise go a long way to helping my body help itself. How can I say I love myself and if I’m not loving and caring for my body?

My theme moving into 2017 is mindfulness. I want to live an examined life in order to fully appreciate it, but also to not be careless with the choices I make.

I’m so excited for you and your new OKC boos! Slow is good. Cute dates are good. Girls who are actually into girls are good. Can’t wait to see where those may go and I’m proud of you for seeking out new connections.

I can’t imagine how torturous it is waiting on word from med school, so instead of talking about that, I’m going to ask about your plan B that lands you in Philadelphia? I’m excited for you to be able to return to the east coast. Do you already know people in Philly? What is in Philly that you’re excited about? Is there much of a queer scene there?

Here’s to longer days and fresh tracks in 2017.

Love, Ruth

Life’s too damn short

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Dear Nora,

I will happily address your valid (and quite expected) question “WTF?” in a moment. But first, let’s talk about what’s going on with you.

I know you’ve been struggling, but more than anything right now I see you advocating and fighting for yourself in the way that only Nora does and it’s beautiful and I’m proud of you. I was so, so sorry to hear about you and Cory cutting off contact. What I heard in your previous letter before this last one was–you’re still in love with her, but it feels insurmountable–the timing is off, the geography is off, you’re not confident she would be “all in”, even if given the opportunity, and likewise you’re wary of planning your life around her in any way–although you are tempted to. But the result of all this is you feel unhappy, frustrated, distant and constantly missing her, all the while unable to fall out of love with her. Up until now, that is a lot of things outside of your control. And that blows. So then, the part that is within your control is what you ask of her and expect for yourself… Nora you asked for something really reasonable from her that would help you maintain your quality of life equation with her.*

*I have a general theory that every type of relationship either adds to our quality of life, subtracts from it, or has no noticeable impact–romantic relationships should average out to “add” because those are relationships we choose with free will…and why the fuck would we stay in something voluntary that was just subtracting from our quality of life??

You’re not asking her to move. You’re not asking her to make big decisions in her life based on your future plans. You’re not asking to be her girlfriend or be exclusive or even date you. You’re asking for minimum investment, just on a friendship level, from her emotionally. You’re asking to stay connected.  I have no doubt that medical school is a bitch, and makes any form of relationship maintenance a challenge, but if someone is a priority to you, they’re a priority. Period. If she literally cannot give even that much to you (or anyone) at this time… and your heart is hanging in limbo hoping for scraps… I think you are doing the best thing for yourself Nora.

I don’t think that snap you felt was “maybe I am done being open and caring and I am ready to be a bitch” at all. I think those were your instincts of self-protection and self-advocacy kicking in.

You KNOW you deserve someone who is going to be able to give you more than Cory can or will offer you right now. You know it. I know it. Anyone reading this knows it. I know I’ve said this before, but it really is true… sometimes being in love is not enough. And it has nothing to do with her not being a wonderful human being. She seems lovely. But the fact is she is unwilling or unable to offer you what you need from her right now. I know you are devastated. I have no doubt that being in NYC and not seeing her was extremely difficult (I won’t judge you if you caved…). But also, hold on to that pride and empowerment you felt. I hope you were much too distracted with the wonderfulness of being back in that place you love, surrounded by your dear family and friends and having your soul fed, to care.

I loved my postcard — thank you!

I’m playing catch-up on two letters here, so forgive the length! I want to talk about the trust thing you brought up. You say that ever since Trace, you can’t trust anyone. You say you were left hardened by them. Holy shit–that’s a lot of power to give that person!

Trust has been the name of the game for me over the past year. Over the past two years, for that matter. I’ve come to accept that trust is essentially two things: a gut check, and a choice. Trust yourself, Nora. Knowing what I know of you… I have little doubt that you knew what was up with Trace all along. I would bet on it. You’re mad at yourself for falling hard anyway. I would encourage you to be proud that a) your gut knew the truth, and b) you have the ability to fall for someone. Give yourself grace for letting it go on longer than it should have. And DO NOT give Trace that power–the power to harden you and change you in a way you do not want to change.

Healing is work, yes. But also, healing is taking a break. Healing is rest. Healing is new days and nourishment and knitting and Toby and nights filled with new dreams. You decide what parts to take away from your experiences. Yes, there are bruises. But those will heal with time. Focus on the parts you want to take with you.

And sometimes there are almost no parts worth taking and that is ok too.

In the end I think time washes it all back to sea, so just rescue the parts worth bringing along, and release the slimy and stinging creatures back into the ocean of “things that have happened that I choose to no longer have matter”. Trace used you? They failed to love you well, even when you poured out yourself to them? That’s on them. Let them float away into the darkness of the depths of their chosen currents. Love withheld is love wasted–that is cowardly. Love given is never wasted–it is brave. Even if it is not received as it deserves to be received. You loved someone who didn’t deserve what you gave them. Love is not a limited resource Nora. In fact, I think the more we exercise our muscles and learn to love others well, the more we have to give.

Never regret loving someone. You grew your heart in that exercise. They shrank theirs by never letting it fill up with a love of you. You were brave. Loving is always the terrifying and bravest choice.

As you continue to heal and reaffirm your gut instincts, and choose eventually to follow love again, trust will sprout up again too. Love can’t thrive without trust growing alongside it.

Ok, so while we’re on the topic of love being terrifying and following our instincts… here’s an update on me and Lily.

By every calculation I should feel extremely hesitant going into this. But the strangest part of it all (even as I say “what the fuck” to myself), is how not strange it feels. It is such a balance of excitement and peace. Somehow both new and yet familiar as home.

I feel so much myself, my best self with her. I don’t feel like any parts of me are hidden or pinched or shoved aside or shut down. I’m not trying to put on any pretenses. It feels so good! I didn’t know a relationship could fit me so well. It’s like trying on an outfit in the fitting room and just being like “damn girl”… I like how I look in this. How I look to myself.

The importance of that is, I’m not losing myself. I still see me, I still hear my own voice. I am continuing to go to therapy. I am continuing to seek balance in how I take time for myself vs. how I spend it on others. Those things won’t stop being my tasks any time soon. I still want a cat. I’m still paying off my debt. Life in general is pretty much as it was, only now she’s around for it too. Quality of life–elevated! My primary relationship is with ME. I’m not seeking anyone to fill my gaps–I fill them myself. Yes, she complements me in some ways (thank god for her sense of direction–I have none), but ultimately I am just happy to have someone I can be my whole self around, who isn’t threatened by me loving myself and being content with myself. Not only that, but she appreciates and loves that about me!

I believe she is quite a rare find Nora. She is humble and compassionate, honest and brave. She approaches life with the same type of positive attitude as me, and has a bright, natural type of joy in her. She loves hard. She works hard. She is playful, and finds beauty and humor in the day to day. She is patient, and steady and always seeking balance. She loves adventure, and her cat, and pays her bills and buys groceries. She cooks, and loves food (we cook together and I love it). She treats me so well. She gets me, and sees my worth, and thinks I’m special and awesome and is supportive and kind to me. She rolls me over gently when I’m snoring in her ear at night. We laugh so hard together sometimes I start gasping for air. And she isn’t embarrassed of me when I start crying into my soup at Panera after a hard day.

the other day I told her I was going to take a bath and she snuck into the bathroom and got this all ready for me

The other day I told her I was going to take a bath and she snuck into the bathroom and got this all ready for me…

I know it’s fast, and I know how it looks and that there might very well be some people in my life who are judging me. But you know what? I don’t care. I truly do not. Not that I don’t value concern and care of friends and family. But ultimately, I’m the one who’s living my life. I’m the one who wakes up being me every morning and lives with my choices, and who knows the inside of this relationship.

And if I have peace and love and happiness in my soul falling asleep in her arms–then you better believe I’m going to be snuggled up in that spot. Life’s too damn short.

Me & Lily

I’m not certain where this will go, but I am hopeful it’s going somewhere good. I know my worth, I know I’m a good thing, and I want someone who doesn’t just recognize that, but matches it. Based on what I’ve seen and gotten to know so far, I believe she does.

I love you and I hope you’ve come home from your trip with a renewed sense of self and hope! I want to hear about it!

Love, Ruth

P.S. I turn 30 in ten days. Holy crap! I’m going to Boston with Lily & a group of friends for a wedding and then to celebrate my birthday!

P.P.S. Please go find a cute girl to sleep with who is actually into women and who won’t get you pregnant.

P.P.P.S. I am reading Hannah Hart’s memoir “Buffering: Unshared tales of a Life Fully Loaded” right now and loving it so far (probably should throw out some trigger warnings for it… so far her memories from childhood have been rough, dealing with judgmental religion and mental health).

I probably love me too much

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Dear Ruth:

I die of waiting when I don’t hear from you. 

Our weekend together was so magical. Your Merengue moves are on point. I loved welcoming you into my life and my home. Toby definitely enjoyed having an extra petter.  I am happy to report your gardening skills are wonderful and all the plants are indeed still alive (and growing!!). The moss seeds I sprinkled everywhere are starting to grow too.  Here’ some proof:

147416182813320160917_174129

Now when I tend to my garden, I remember our morning there among laughter and dirt. 

I am also still in awe that I met you. That you are in fact a real human, a sexy beautiful tender human. You are so much softer than I thought possible. The cuddles, the tears, the quiet fun. I see why you get the feels so fast and why some people may not appreciate the kindness of your soul. 

Well, I DO! And in an ideal world in which I don’t need to be a doctor and you are not monogamous, I would fly out to Portland, fall in love with you and marry you. But this is the real world, and I need to go back east to my real life and resume my education. 

lost-in-the-sauceWhen it comes to your love life, I am glad you have reached a comfortable place with Sam and I pray to all the gods that you don’t get lost in the sauce. A little bit of sauce makes Pizza, too much sauce makes a mess. Just keep your feelings at a pizza level and have fun with yourself as yourself. After meeting you I can see why you get lost in the sauce so quickly though. You are very easy to love. You are so soft you are almost fluid, shaping yourself around others. This is both the best and the worst of you, I don’t know how you do it. 

I, being the jaded bitch I am on the regular, find myself friendless and loving it. The day that you left I had a conflict with Pixie over her violating my boundaries. She dd not take it well. She blamed me for her self-harm, her suicidal ideation, her misery, basically her entire cocktail of mental illness is my fault. She decided to stop being my friend after that day because I have no compassion and I kick people when they are down. None of the above is true but those were the reasons she gave me.

 The reasons I find true is that I gave her an ultimatum that if things did not change for her by December I could not be her friend. Apparently that’s a bitch move. In my book, this is a self protective move. She took a lot of my time and energy and refuses to put any work into her recovery. I am a high functioning mentally ill person who will drag her ass out of bed to go to work, who has survived 13 years without a family in a foreign country, who has been left by people over and over and have had to pick myself up. I have limited chances to give. 

Pixie needs a lot more help than she’s getting. We had to put her in the psych ward in May and that was not enough of a wake up call for her to seek recovery. That’s her problem, not mine. MY problem is that I cannot be a bystander. I refuse to have people around me that are drowning and just let them drown, OMG no I have to do something. And when I throw them a rope and they pull me in (instead of pulling themselves out), I have no choice but to let go of the rope, and save myself. 

She accepted none of the responsibility for the conflict that triggered the break up and by the time she said she was out, I had been out. She then proceeded to text EVERYONE we know in common and inform them what a bitch I am. Uhhhh my friends bitch MINE!!! GTFOH!! 

tell-me-more

Jayne, also happened to dump me because she was too jealous. Remember her tantrum at the beach? Finally accepted she’s not over me. She and Pixie probs have a “hate Nora” club, and will most likely start a  “no personal responsibility whatsoever” society soon. I was ready for this break up too, because I could not stand the way she completely abandoned Erin (who basically saved her from homelessness) when Erin’s grandfather was diagnosed with cancer. Jayne is completely unable to stay in a situation that makes her in any way uncomfortable Her comfort is her sole motivation, she leaves at the first sign of struggle, and just like Pixie takes and takes from people. 

On that note, I have been in a really weird mood. Key and Princess have been the bestests at giving me space and respecting my weirdness. I met this girl from meet-up and thought we could be friends but no. I have only met her once and she was asking me to host a meet up for her, I said no to that and she trippin’. BYYYEEEEE

This weekend I realized I dont want to make friends. I dont want to hang out with people. I have so much more fun with myself and by myself. I missed July when everything was about me, when I was focused on my needs and recovering from Trace. I miss ME time and puzzles. I think after having so many relationships that were draining me of my soul, I am finally replenishing my spiritual vitamins. 

I am mostly happy. I have been sleeping a lot and cooking a lot. Taking it easy and being free of anyone else’s needs. I miss Cory a lot. This is my only source of sadness. I would not even mind waiting a year to start medical school if it did not mean waiting a year to be near her. 

On the medical school front, I am sitting on dead silence. I mean, the bottom of the abyss in a canyon in Mars  silence: NOTHING. No news is good news. I have not gotten any interviews but also no rejections, which means I am still being considered. THANK GAIA. I am also gaining more trust at work which makes me extremely happy. 

I must now go and finish making my new shaving cream. I’ve been having lots of problems from shaving (ingrown hair, bumps, itch) and I think it’s time to switch to nature’s way. 

Please stay focused on yourself, and keep writing me letters so I don’t die.

Love, 

Nora

PS: This came right on time. Everyone should think like you 🙂 I LOVE IT. It was a very well timed, very relevant surprised. You get me. 

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