Tag Archives: forever alone

New chapter, new city, new decade, new prospects

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Dear Ruth, 

Oh the sweet taste of revenge!!! 

JK I promise it was not on purpose I have been oscillating like a pendulum with so much shit going on. Whenever there’s a free day I literally sleep through it. Last I wrote to you I was in California packing. SO MUCH has happened and I will try to make this letter as short as possible without neglecting anything. 

I moved to NYC on May 16, put 5 suitcases in a plane and got my dog on board. He’s good on planes. I stayed with a friend for two weeks, then moved to another friend for what was supposed to be two months. However, I was accepted into an accelerated masters program in Drexel (I have to complete 15 months of studying and if I have the grades I am immediately accepted to their med school). I am happy with it because it’s the closest to getting into medical school I could possibly get. I just have to work really hard this year. I moved to Philadelphia on June 14 and started my program June 19. You can imagine the chaos. 

Adventures in NYC: left top- a whale saying hello, right top-longest ever pool game since none of us could play, left down- Figment Arts Festival in NYC, right down- me reading tarot for my friends

  

 

While I was in NYC, for around a month, I saw Cory once. It was a friendly hangout and there was nothing romantic to it. We could both tell that there were some lingering feelings there but neither of us was interested in pursuing them. She has a monogamous girlfriend and I have no interest in her at all. Fast forward a month when I am already in Philly, Cory says she cannot talk to me anymore because it makes her girlfriend jealous or some monogamous shit . We have not spoken since and I hope I never see her face again in my entire life because I have wasted enough of myself in this person.

NEXT. 

I did not see Abby. We texted, I sent her a postcard. She occasionally still texts me and I do her, but it’ll never be the same. I wish I could somehow repay her  for everything she did for me emotionally but I doubt I’ll ever have an opportunity. It is a sad ending to a good story. 

Now, in the polyamorous adventures I must tell you…NYC blessed me with this QUEEN. (Oh may gawddddd I am so infatuated) This story starts the first Friday I was in NYC. It was a warm summer night and I was hanging out with a friend. We matched on OKCupid and started talking. I made it clear I was looking to make out with someone because it had been a long time for me and she was down. We met at a bar and sat under the NYC pollution and kissed all night. She’s smol, has curly hair and blue eyes. Her lips are the magic of the oceans…It was amazing. We kept talking and seeing each other and when I was accepted to my program We had a conversation about trying to talk long distance. She agreed and we are still talking. She came to see me for July 4th and I am supposed to go see her soon. Everything is so easy with her. We speak the same language, we are on the same wavelength on a lot of  things. She also has depression so she GETS it. 

I am also talking to a girl in Philadelphia who has caught my attention. We hung out a couple of times and things are evolving but she’s a lot less expressive than me so it’s going very slowly with her. 

omw to Philly

Now, in terms of adulting I LOVE PHILADELPHIA but it has been extremely hard. First of all, I am not working. For the first time in my life I am not working. I don’t have any savings and living off loans is stressful as fuck. I cannot function without a paycheck and I am losing my mind. I am working on maximizing my financial aid and trying to get private loans for this first year but ohmysweetjesus is this stressful. 

Besides the obvious lack of money, the second challenge has been friends. Most people in my program live in the dorms (for the summer) and they are all bonding while I am up here alone in my apartment. I do have one roommate moving in but not until August. I spend a lot of time alone and I feel really isolated in school. I have two friends in Philly, one I made from Okcupid and one from my school in Brooklyn. Through them I am meeting other people and going to hang out, etc. so I am not friendless. However, ever since I got to America I have struggled to fit in with my peers and starting this program, feeling like the odd one out all the time, has not been good for me at all. 

So between the financial stress and the lack of support system I have been on the edge of depression. I can say that I have fought it really hard and used every coping mechanism I know of in order to stay in charge of my life. It’s exhausting battling with a mental illness that stalks you like a monster looking for an opportunity to come in and ruin your life. I have been in Philadelphia for almost a month now and I can see the fog lifting. The worse is over. I hope that the trend continues so that in the next letter I can focus on happier things. 

 

 

Tobias is alive and kicking. It has been 8 weeks since he was diagnosed and he’s doing okay. he takes his meds every day and we’ve had very few incidents. I can see his energy is not what it used to be but he is okay for now. He absolutely loved the package you sent him. I still have to make the doggie cake though. He seems to like Philadelphia well enough. 

Now about you: WHAT ON EARTH?!?!?!?!?!?! 

First of all, allow me to comment on you comparing your partners to your ex: STAHP IT.

Kay was a DISASTER. Yes it was nice and long and the first love blah blah. But it was also unhealthy, dishonest, disloyal, heartbreaking. I am sure that’s not what you want. If you are using this relationship as the “standard” of what you are looking for, you need to change your standards. Kay was a scratch in the surface of what happiness can feel like. As you said two letters ago, you are not the same.

You are a BETTER you. So you are going to love harder, better, deeper. 

I am glad you dated Hannah and I am sad you two broke up. I cannot say I fully understand what happened here. Was it the same with Lily? (she’s not the one/you are not in love kinda thing). It is hard for me to relate to this “date to mate” concept. Is it like you would only love someone if they can promise you a forever? That is so unfair! What if they have 3 months to live? No love for them. What if they are moving to another country in six months? No love for them. What if they are in a life transition, like I was in Los Angeles? No love for the transient. 

I have always said that after you meet “the one”. you will meet “the next one”. I convinced myself from some stupid teenage fantasy that Cory was the one. And here I am wishing I had never met her.

“The one” is a lie my friend. “The one” does not exist. “The one” was created to keep you unhappy and looking for something. There’s no “one”. You are “the one” in charge of your happiness. 

Think about it, if you meet “the one” does that invalidate every other love story in your life? does that mean all others were not real? What if you meet “the one” and she dies? You don’t find another “one”?. Try to divorce from this notion so you can love freely and unexpectedly. 

I wonder what it is you are looking for and cannot find. I wonder why your gut is such a party pooper. I wonder what role love actually plays in this search of yours. Please tell me. 

Since you asked, I am closing this letter with my 30 year old crisis: I have nothing. That’s it. I don’t have money, accomplishments, partners, kids. I have done nothing with my life. At the same time, I feel like starting my upper education at this point has made it easier to deal with the crisis. I have nothing BUT I am working on it and by the time I am 40, I will have something. The partner part is the hardest because you cannot really plan for that. It happens or it does not. You cannot MAKE it happen, the way you do a job or an education. So I just hope I do find partners to share my life with, but I am not settling for crumbs anymore or eating anyone’s shit. I am a goddess and should be treated as such. 

#30 #istillgotit

 

And to think this time last year I was in love with Cory and mourning trace.

Today I am in love with myself and mourning nobody. So much progress. 

I love you and I miss you too. You are welcome to visit anytime. You are a vital part of my life and I am sorry you cannot find what you are looking for in love. Give magpie a big hug, or not, I don’t think cats like those. 

I will be better at writing since I am better settled now. I start therapy tomorrow and that should help manage the crazy. 

Stay Strong

Love

Nora

PS: I will read tarot for you. Think of a question and when you have it, I’ll draw.

PPS. I finally deleted the email I had saved of the last conversation with Cory when she said all those mean things. It’s gone. I no longer need it. I thought you’d be glad to know.

 

 

 

Dusty Trails

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Dear Nora,

Ok, ok. I get it. You’re giving me a taste of my own medicine, waiting weeks and weeks to reply. It is not fun at all… I am in suspense woman! But for real, I know you’re super busy with all your new life stuff in Philly. I hope you are doing well and school is captivating and your heart is full and Toby is feeling ok these days.

I am writing you again because I can’t keep my shit together long enough to wait for a response.

This week I have found myself wishing that I was a polyamorous fairy like you. I feel like life would be so much easier if I didn’t feel compelled to commit to being with one person. And that when I found a really wonderful human who didn’t happen to be “it” for me I could still date them in good conscience.

But alas, my monogamous heart will not yield. And I hold on to hope that the person is still to come, but I am so discouraged, my friend.  I am getting too old to date just to date. Actually I don’t think I’ve ever really been good at that. (“We date to mate” was the mantra at my Christian college and unfortunately that seems to have stuck with me).

My gut weighed in at about 2 months with Hannah. Before I felt ready, it’s infuriating nuisance of a voice spoke up and informed me that as delightful as I found her to be, Hannah was not my match. Anxiety started to build as I recognized this, and she sensed something was off, so there was no point in putting it off the wretched conversation. We were both extremely frustrated with my gut and I cried more than you might guess a person in a two month casual dating situation would. But I had really grown to care about her, so much. And have known her for almost a year at this point. And most importantly, I want to keep her in my life. Once again, I have hopes of a friendship remaining after the pain has subsided.  It’s so hard to let go.

You know what we’re never taught when we’re told fairytales and love stories as children? That before prince charming, the princess may date some really great guys. That is never in the plot line. She’s either alone until she meets the one, or she dates someone awful and then meets the prince who is night-and-day-contrast, no-contest, way better. But real life is not often black and white like that. It is gray. And real life is Hannah’s and Lily’s and the most kind and beautiful souls I could ask for, treating me like a queen, and me having to move forward with a blind faith that when I meet the one I’m going to rest my heart with my gut will provide a confirmation, not a protest.

And so, I continue to trust my gut. God knows fucking why. But I don’t feel I really have much of a choice. I can’t live opposed to what I feel instinctively, can I? I’ve tried that and then the truth still kicks me in the ass.

It feels like the more I trust my gut, the more in tune with it I am becoming…

Being human is weird.

Back to square one. Back to forever alone.

I’ve been playing the lyrics to this song Lily introduced to me over and over again in my head:

I know I’m no doctor but if I was guessing I’d say it was just growing pains
And painful as growing is we can’t forget it’s our ticket to taking the reins
And we’ll all be okay, we’ll be okay
Dusty trails can lead you to a golden road, I’ve been told
…
It’s all in the manual that we’ve been writing, a future instructional guide
If we skip to add to our pre-fulfilled dreams, we’d be lost without our own advice
We’ll be alright, we’ll be alright
Dusty trails can lead you to a golden road, I’ve been told
…

I finally bought a tent that’s all my own

My heart is tired. I am spending lots of time in nature this summer to restore it. I am talking to my sisters and reading books and snuggling Magpie and continuing on this dusty trail.

Tell me something encouraging. Have you met your Anita Blake? Have good things and people been appearing in your life?

Write me! Love, Ruth

A Constant Test

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Dear Nora,

My last letter was so long, I am going to try and be a little more brief this time. No guarantees though… but first—tell me all the things! What’s the latest on your processes? How is your work on resistance going (good resistance vs bad)? Any updates on grad school and moving? Any changes on things with Cory or Abby? How are the sexcapades? How is your self-care going? 

My forever alone update: I have been working hard on all of my aspirations for the year. I am learning to play the ukulele and I love it! I am reading lots of books, and seeking out the stories of others. I am cooking all the things, and often improvising or combining recipes…etc. I am doing some healthier activities and habits for my body and it feels good. I am taking myself on dates and to fun concerts, and branching out to meet new people. Of course I have many things still to do, but my process feels good.

Treat yo self! Got myself new glasses and a giant carrot onesie from Hannah Hart… because… why not?

It feels good. Minus one part. NORA, WHY. Why must sex be this constant nagging little reminder in my brain all the time. “Pst, Ruth… hey… remember me?”. It is insistent. It is loud. I am two weeks away from my solid 3 month goal. And I am proud of me. Some days are just fine, but I’ve come to realize more than ever, that my body and its sexual needs are just a part of who I am and part of being human. I worry a little if something is wrong with me…

But then I remember biology and that I am a 30-year-old woman with a fairly strong sex drive in the height of what my body believes are my time-to-get-pregnant years.

Long story short, I need it and I miss it. Not just actual sex, I miss just physical intimacy… being held, being kissed, having my neck messaged… Yes, I can live without it. I am fine. But not having sex just makes it take up a disproportional part of my thoughts. And apparently a disproportional part of this letter!

Ok, moving on…

Me and Magpie showing off our black and white outfits and lookin cute.

Wait.. never mind, I need to talk about it just a little bit more. Ok, so, I’ve figured out, if I’m going to wait another 3 months before considering dating (which is my intention)… I’m going to need more than just a new fancy dildo. I need a hookup buddy. Like, someone I have no interest in dating, but feel safe and comfortable with and attracted to. Who is in a similar situation to me. I have been mulling over where this unicorn could come from. I think my takeaway from last summer is that occasionally, with the right person, I can have sex without a bunch of emotional complications. I have no fucking clue how I’d broach that subject with someone. “Hey girl, you seem chill and I’m attracted to you and looking for a no-strings-attached sex buddy. You wanna? LMK, tnx. *hugs*” Help me Nora. How do I do this? Do I just need to place a craiglist ad or something? Or is this a dumb idea? Do I just need to deal and wait until I find the next girl I’m gonna date?

That sounds disastrous because I think I’m waaaaaaay more likely to jump into the wrong relationship if I’m on major sex withdrawal….

On the friend side of things, progress with me and Elise has been really positive and no worries about re-sparking anything there. I got to hang with her girlfriend for the first time the other day (remember the one she started dating a month after we broke up?) and I like her a lot. Elise and I are opposites in more ways than we are similar, so I think we’re still figuring out what a healthy and functioning friendship means. But it’s felt like a good thing so far. We are taking it slowly. 

Lily and I are still in a weird zone of not sure how to act around each other. She usually cries when she sees me, and I just feel kinda blah and tell her time will heal this, and don’t really know what else to say. She says all of her romantic feelings are gone, but she still feels jealous thinking about me moving on. So… I think there’s still more to work out there. I, on the other hand, just feel kind of annoyed, and bad for her and occasionally guilty—but also—not really. This is just life. I know my intentions were good, and I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but it is what it is. Am I a cold bitch? I don’t know what I expected in terms of timeline. But I am ready to just be friends. She wants to be ready, but is not.

Hannah. Hannah is a whole other story. Being single again has allowed me to spend quite a bit of time getting to know her. The more I know, the more I like her. I feel a really great kind of bond with her. She is really intelligent and goofy and has just an all-around great disposition and we have fun together and I am myself around her and excited to see her. Last summer when we briefly dated, we had good chemistry, and that has been haunting me lately. Here is someone, available, who I like very much as a person, who I already know is an excellent kisser… but I quickly had to rule out “friends with benefits” because she’s just as bad as I am at not getting emotionally hooked when there’s a physical connection happening. Case closed, right? But then… she told me the other night she has developed some substantial feelings for me. Noooooooooooo. Nora, why???? Why can’t I just have a friend without it leading to more? After she told me about her feelings, I let out a scream of frustration in my car because I was so excited about her and I don’t want to lose her. To make matters worse, I think I am feeling something too. But I don’t trust my feelings. And more importantly, IT DOES NOT MATTER. Because I am not deviating from my plan. 

How easy it would be to fall into that. Far too easy. In a heartbeat, I could be cuddled up next her and deep into it again.

Why do I have this inner resistance to maintaining my single status? Am i sabotaging myself? Or am I resisting being with her because there is something there and I’m afraid of it? Afraid of repeating what happened with Lily? How do I know what resistance is healthy? I don’t have a strong gut feeling that “yes, this is it”, but I also don’t have a feeling of “definitely not”. I instead feel this pull towards her with no explanation of why, but it feels like a special connection, a kinship of sorts. And maybe it’s just a long-term friendship type of bond. But with the attraction to her, and with my sex withdrawals—my brain is fuzzy. I’ve been trying to look past that and just focus deliberately on just getting to know her and feel out why we feel drawn to each other without jumping to conclusions like I did with Lily and breaking promises to myself. Send me all your good energy Nora, I think I’m gonna need some outside strength. I’m praying that somehow her feelings for me just go away and we stop being attracted to each other. But I don’t know how to silence the part of me is saying “what if…? Dating her would be so different for me than anyone I’ve dated…. Maybe different is good, maybe different is right…” I think the best way that I can describe it is I feel fond of her and intrigued by her. 

I really appreciated what you shared about internal resistance (i.e. working against yourself vs. protecting yourself), and I’ve been thinking on that quite a bit. I watched the video and I think there is a lot of truth there.

The issue, like you said, is knowing the difference.

Lately I’ve been feeling a tangle of resistance and I can’t sort it out. My body is being so loud and annoying, and my heart and mind are bickering and I don’t feel at peace within myself. What do I need to do? Isolate myself from humanity? Not hang out around any lesbians? Why does this keep happening? Thank GOD for Penny. Penny is my best friend in Portland, and she and I have never struggled with any other layers of anything. It’s been a pure friendship without confusion for both of us—what a miracle! I’ve known her for two years, and become closest to her over the past year and I honestly don’t know what I would have done without her. The other day I was telling her all about my situation with Hannah and she gave it to me straight “RUTH, if she was it for you… you would know. And you probably would break your 6 month thing and just go for it. But you’re finding ways to justify how she might be for you. So no matter what happens in the future, you need to proceed with ‘she is not for you RIGHT NOW, and probably never.’”

Hannah says she can have a friendship with me, no problem. That she can prioritize logic over feelings and she is fine and it doesn’t hurt her to do that. And that she wants me in her life, whatever form that takes. I am trying to trust that is true. I told her friendship is all I have to offer her. As for me, in two weeks I need to find a hookup l buddy and get some of my pent-up energy out so my brain can clear and my body can be quiet. And hold fast to my process, as you call it. 

I’m working hard Nora. It’s hard to be forever alone, and also hard to ensure I stay that way. Why must life be a constant test that I feel doomed to fail?

I’d love to hear updates from you. And any advice or tough love you have please send them my way. Thank you for lending a listening ear. I love you Nora!

Resisting, Ruth

Of resistance and growth, and being bigger than we thought

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Dear Ruth,

First of all: Happy Spring!

These letters are getting so ridiculously long and I fucking love it. This space is such a great guidance for me and a way to document my processes. (I always have a process going on). First I wanted to thank you for repeating all those things I already know back to me. I needed it. I am not able to delete the convo because it serves a purpose at the moment. I am letting go very very very slowly. Cory is ingrained in the depths of my soul in a sick, masochistic way I don’t understand. This is some Edward and Bella shit: fantastical, unrealistic, boderline abusive. I have to give it to Cory she has been very cooperating. I asked for space and she’s given me space. Out of sight, Out of mind.

On an quick update, Abby completely stopped talking to me. She just dumped me out of the blue (maybe she read the last letter?) I am not sure. I am okay with it because of how the relationship was deteriorating. She’s also my only connection with Cory. I had to unfollow her from social media because it upsets me to see her having fun with AJ and Cory. It may be selfish of me but I get major FOMO and jealousy. (why cannot they all be MY friends? The logic answer is because I am not there but lol, tell that to my aching heart.) She came back to say she wanted to have a phone convo to clear the air but that has not happened. Honestly, I’m just hurt she would not address it. I was legit worried something happened to her and then I saw her snap story, she was okay and just avoiding me. I am not sure what is going to happen there but I feel okay with any outcome.

Key and Karina are done. Key has ghosted me because I called him out on some shady shit he was doing. Karina is just going through her break up. I am emotionally alone and loving it. I am sexually involved with someone I am exploring BDSM with but that’s most of a sexcapade than anything else.

On the school front, I got into a program in Philadelphia and now I am second guessing Boston. It’s cheaper and closer to the people I want near. Philly is winning right now. But updates will keep coming. It feels good to have choices even if it’s only for a plan B.

Now I can reply to your letter,

The Loss. I loved that. Becca’s story was so beautiful and I was really moved. I remember how in love you were with your home. I remember living vicariously through your story. I think your energy remained in the space and all that love and devotion is now Becca’s and her wife. You and Kay had a wonderful love story, I personally do not believe in “the one”, but I definitely believe in the “next one”. I am sure the level of intimacy you had with Kay looks unattainable now, but SHE has not come around yet. Stay in your zone and keep growing bigger, She’s out there.

I feel similarly about Izzy. She’s the only person I have been mutually in love with EVER. I have been in love with people and people have been in love with me, but never both. Only with Izzy I had both and sometimes I feel like I wasted “the one chance”. But then I realize I was not happy and I wanted more. I have not had any luck so far but I am hopeful it’ll happen for me. Hopefully with more than one person #polydreams

I am so incredibly proud of you for your first tattoo! And your choir solo! And your writing dreams! You really are in love with yourself, simmer in that feeling and enjoy your love affair with Ruth. She’s amazing. I am in love with her too. Go get Ruth a powerful Rabbit Dildo and have amazing sex with it. Find new places to take yourself to and spend time in with the cat. One you start dating again this whole love affair will dwindle so ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS. Honeymoons are not eternal.

Also points for you for being friends with old flames like Hannah and Elise. Please don’t fuck them though. No sex for what? Three months? You better stay firm on that. Think of it as revirginizing for “the next one”.

Pulled this today.

This letter is so scattered OMG. But I want to end it by sharing something with you. My new process is to learn to identify the different types of resistance. In my spiritual path as a new-age Christian (best label I can come up with), I have gotten a new deck of cards and looking into a third one (this one but not sure if I am ready to go the tarot route). I have been very attentive to life’s synchronicity and I get a lot of guidance from this one witch named Joanna Devoe whose content I love, I listen to her podcast religiously. She made a video about resistance and I am working on that very strongly.

In case, you don’t feel like watching it I’ll summarize it for you. Good Resistance: when your instincts are pushing against the stressor, it’s the universe trying to protect you from the inside out. Bad resistance: when the universe is trying create changes for you that you are not cooperating with, protecting you from the outside in. The challenge is in telling the difference. This has helped a lot with my relationships, Abby and I were growing apart and resisting it, fighting against the universe. I am growing closer to other friends, I needed to stop resisting and just go with the flow of energy that is happening now.

There has also been a lot of resistance in regards to Cory, to doing a masters program, to being single, etc. I am working in placing the resistance and determining if it’s coming from the universe or from me.

I was thinking about this today and there was a sign that sad RESIST in the highway.  Probably related to the political Resistance. But still, the synchronicities are endless.Then I went for tacos this happened:

SLAY sticker on the OPEN sign of my taco place 🙂

I love you very much.

Enjoy the cat life.
Nora

PS. Some pictures from a quick trip to Las Vegas with my roommate who was working there

 

We are bigger than we know

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Dear Nora, 

First of all, let me say congratulations on the new masters program! That is badass Nora! I know it’s plan B (B for badass?), but who knows what new doors it will lead to, or who you’ll meet, or how it will move you towards your dreams or evolve your dreams. The important thing is that you are moving forward, in spite of doors persistently not opening. I am proud of you! (Um also… three words about your interview look: hot damn girl.) You’re slaying 2017 already. 

I’m excited for you to be back on the east coast. I feel like your heart has been there all along. Even apart from Cory. I know the hope you’ve held onto for so long has conditioned you to envision her waiting at the end of that road. Maybe somehow moving back there will be the last step you need to release yourself. Maybe her being within reach and now watching all of the magic dissolve, you will be able to once and for all disenchant yourself of her. I’m sorry that you’ve felt like you’ve regressed lately. It’s ok to take steps backwards—your feet are still pointing in the direction you want to go and that is where you’re headed. I know you’re tired. Feel what demands to be felt. Most importantly, have compassion for yourself.

As far as all of those things she said to you Nora… all I can say is… you deserve a great love (or many!). And someone who says those things is not it.

If someone doesn’t fight for you, they aren’t for you. Period.

Sometimes someone doesn’t fight because they’re afraid. Sometimes someone doesn’t fight because they don’t love you enough, or don’t love themselves enough. Sometimes someone doesn’t fight because they don’t believe, deep down, that they deserve you. Sometimes someone doesn’t fight because the timing is off. Sometimes someone doesn’t fight because they already have too many of their own battles they need to fight for themselves. I don’t know all of her reasons Nora. But I do know, you deserve to have someone who fights for you—through distance, or school, or families. Someone who doesn’t back away and make excuses like “it’s not logical to be together” and “the only reason I have to fight for you is love… and that’s not enough”. The truth is you really put yourself out there for her, risked a lot and sacrificed a lot and invested so much emotionally. You’re not just losing the future you hoped for, you feel like all that you put into it is now wasted. And that’s a shitty feeling. It’s like her telling you all that you invested just isn’t worth that much. (That’s a lie btw… she just doesn’t appreciate the value of what you’re offering.)

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said “she may be who I want, but she’s not what I want.” (Isn’t that just the fuckery of life—Lily was totally what I want, but not who I want.)

I know I’m just repeating stuff back to you that you already know. I will say one more thing… actually, two things. 1) the pain will go away, however… 2) you’ve got to choose to let it go Nora. For the love of god delete those goddamn messages. Stop rereading that convo. Keeping them has served it’s purpose—you said yourself you’ve accepted she’s not for you. What good can come of rehashing it? Delete that shit woman! Obviously it’s about more than a series of text messages, but the first step of letting the pain go is to cleanse your life of things that keep bringing fresh reminders of the pain and rejection.

Boston is new and shiny and all yours. No one is going to dim your light. You are starting an exciting chapter all on your own and a bright path awaits you. 

I’m sorry to hear that Abby has not been a good support for you. That makes me so sad. I know her position is tricky, and I know you care a lot about each other. It is ok to take a step back if that feels like the healthy choice for you right now. For your sake and hers, I hope you will be able to work through that together. But I know that is not always possible when someone tries to remain friends with both parties of the breakup. Personally I essentially lost some friends when Kay & I ended, even though she was the one who wronged me… but then I left. Since she was still there in their daily lives, they remained her friends and didn’t reach out across the distance to me. 

I am sending all the good vibes your way Nora. 

I appreciate your word vomit because it makes me feel like I can do that too! So here goes…

At the end of every relationship, I seem to mourn the loss of that first one all over again. A fresh loss triggers a reminder of the loss. It’s like each new loss is an echo of the first. 

I’m not sure how to feel about that, or what to do with it. I think it just means I have yet to find something that is embedded as deeply in my soul as my life with Kay was. 

I received a message out-of-the-blue from a girl I went to college with. Not someone I know well at all. But had nice recollections of nonetheless. Let’s call her Becca. Becca messaged me on instagram and said told me she lives in my old house now. She gets mail sometimes and recognized my name and looked me up. That, by itself is a fun coincidence. But then she went on to tell me, that after graduating from our small, Christian college she married a man, but it wasn’t until she met and fell hard for a woman she worked with that she really experienced falling in love and sexual fulfillment for the first time. Her story is beautiful and heartbreaking. She spent years trying to suppress what she knew to be the real her. Her father is a pastor, her family is not supportive at all. But in spite of everything she said “fuck it” and was very brave and chose to live out who she is, married this woman, and they bought the very house in Indianapolis that Kay & I used to live in. 

Not only do they live there with her daughter and their cat, they were married in that house and when she sent me photos of them standing in front of what used to be our fireplace, sharing their “you may now kiss the bride” moment my heart exploded with joy and also shades of sadness.

It felt like I was almost looking at my own alternate life. I know a house is just a house, but when Kay and I found that place together it meant so much more than that to me. It symbolized everything I had always wanted. We had done about 5 years of dating during school & being long distance, and it had taken such a toll on my heart. We found this house when I was looking to finally finally move to Indianapolis and we’d be together and truly start our lives. Being in that house meant that my heart and home were finally under the same roof. We moved in and it was literally my dream come true. Gorgeous 3-bedroom, with a piano and a fireplace and a yard. Summers there everything blooming around the house, with parties of friends in the back yard. Winters snuggled up in bed together, shoveling snow off the sidewalk and making a fire. It was never about the house. It was about being there with Kay. Getting to see her everyday was all I had ever wanted. Waking up next to her and attacking her with kisses when she got home from work and taking a thousand pictures of our cats together.

Here is where Becca & I’s stories take different paths. She met and fell in love with a woman who was where she was at. Out and proud and knows how lucky she is to have found Becca. Building that life together and living openly and creating their home. Unfortunately when I was with Kay she was not in that place. So although we had all the ingredients to start that life together, Kay wasn’t ready to accept herself, love herself the way she would need to in order to live like that. Instead of getting married in front of that fireplace (not that we could have at the time anyway, it still wasn’t legal in Indiana), that is where the final scenes of our relationship played out. 

It makes me really happy to know that the house gets to have a happy (and gay) future with Becca & her wife there now. I am sending her this drawing I did of the house when I lived there with congratulations and best wishes. 

I also sent Kay a text and thanked her for the beautiful life we had together. Truly, I’m thankful for it every day. I had a really good thing, for so many years with her. And even though I wanted a different ending, at the time, I know now it’s ok that it didn’t go that way.

Not every love story has a happy ending… but it is still a love story.

My sister told me that once. It’s also ok, that 2.5 years after it ending, I still am mourning it’s loss in some ways. 

As I gain perspective with time and distance, more than ever I have been able to let go of the sad parts. Thank them for what they taught me, and remember the good. I was reminded of this the other day, when Jill reached out to me. Jill is a girl who was unfortunately quite tangled up in Kay & I’s relationship at the end of it. She was a co-worker of Kay’s, and they were sleeping together behind my back. I was jealous of her, without even knowing the truth of what was going on. When I did an attitude adjustment and let Jill into our lives the three of us really bonded and together we all proceeded into emotionally dangerous territory. Kay and I ended up breaking up, I found out the truth of their affair, and then for reasons I’m still a little hazy on, I dating Jill for a brief spell. I mean, it was clearly a rebound, but it was much more than that. It was me hiding in terror from the pain that was about to ensue from losing Kay and being betrayed by her. As I’ve reflected on it over this time it’s also been a source of shame for me that I would date someone who had been sleeping with my girlfriend (aka who had played a big role in causing me immense pain). It felt disrespectful to myself. Anyway, fortunately (and with much hard work) I’ve been able to forgive myself for that, considering all that I was going through at the time I think all I owe myself is compassion and grace.

So yes, I surprised myself when I heard from Jill that I have zero bad feelings surrounding her now. I went through periods of lots of anger and sadness and pain, but now I am able to view her as she is, just a human who fucked up. I have forgiven her, and Kay, and myself for all that happened and Nora, it honestly is the best feeling in the world to be able to have let that go. Repeat it? Never. But harbor it? Useless. Forgive it? Freedom.

She reached out to me to let me know, that she is considering a move to the Pacific Northwest, and possibly Portland. In the future. Maybe. And she wanted to respect the life I’ve created here and just make sure it didn’t make me uncomfortable. Of course that’s unnecessary, but kind nonetheless. I am happy to say that I could genuinely respond to her, without hesitation, that it wouldn’t make me uncomfortable, and that I think good things about her and I’d welcome her to Portland if she made that decision.

We are bigger than we know. So much bigger. If we choose to be.

That’s how I’ve been feeling these days. Bigger than I knew. I feel full and alive and just at the start of something. I am stepping up my self-love game. I think it’s time for me to start writing in earnest. It’s always been a dream of mine to write but also my biggest fear is to try that and fail and I’ve let that hold me back. I have been trying all the things lately that make me scared or uncomfortable. Getting my first tattoo (I say first, because now I just want more). Going to new groups and events to meet new people, that are outside of my comfort zone. Trying out with as a solo or small group for a choir song (I prefer hiding in the big group). Giving more of myself at work, even in areas I don’t feel confident. 

water / feminine divine / balance / creation / harmony

I am not anyone’s other half. I love just being a whole.

Why do I feel so alive when I’m not in a relationship? Is this just an indicator of a thirst that needs to be quenched? Or does it mean something else? Like… I am meant to be alone? And if I feel this strongly why do I still do a double take at a cute girl? I’m not sure, but I do know that I need to continue down this path.

I’m not going to lie, it hasn’t all been easy so far. It’s been almost 2 months since breaking up with Lily. I miss having someone to hold me at night sometimes—I love cuddling so much. I miss having a go-to person to tell things to. I miss sex. Good lord do I miss sex. I’m still aiming for 3 months being celibate but it is… a challenge. 

I’ve been spending some time with Hannah, one of the girls I had briefly dated this summer. That’s been really fun as we’ve been able to move past the dating side of things and begin a genuine friendship. (Elise and I have also been tentatively venturing into friendship territory. I have some mixed feelings about that, but so far it’s been a positive thing.) 

Is it possible to be in the honeymoon phase of singleness? Because if so, I think I’m in it. I can’t really say this without sounding like an ass, but I think I’m falling in love with myself a little bit.

Single and not ready to mingle,

Love, Ruth

P.S. Did you end things with Karina or Key? It sounded like you were right on the edge of that last time you wrote…

P.P.S. Magpie says hi to Toby.

The Quiet Between Breaths

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Dear Nora,

Thank you for your prompt response. Those were exactly the words I needed to hear on such a bummer of a Valentine’s Day. Your seed analogy was especially helpful and comforting! You are a wise one and I appreciate you taking the time to write and care.

My days have tossed me back and forth between two different moods: 1) OMG yes, I love being single, and 2) meh :-/

Your comment about having the kind of sad feeling about not being in love resonated with me. I feel very much whole, very much excited about my life, and very much well… yes, sad…or maybe… a little displaced. I’ve spent most of the last 10 years in a relationship or in a very short space between, during which I was crushing on someone new or crying about the previous person (or both). But now there is absolutely no one. It’s quiet and echoing in here and I think I’m about to get cozy in this big empty space that’s just me.

My favorite moment in swimming is the quiet space, when you grab some air, hold your breath and then put your head under and glide forward under water. Any noise around you goes away. And it’s just you and your limbs and your heartbeat and your thoughts, moving through the water weightlessly.

It feels like I am in that space right now. The quiet space between breaths. It feels like the space where I hear only my own thoughts, and I can reach, reach, reach and move myself forward.

I made a pledge to myself, again. (But for realz this time!) I’m spending 3 months being celibate (Feb-Apr). That will be the longest I’ve gone without sex since I became sexually active at age 21. I know myself well enough at this point to know that physical things are a distraction to me. And I don’t need that. I think it’s important that I’m not sucked into my next thing solely because I get emotionally entangled from a physical connection with someone. Ok, so in addition to the 3 months thing, I am doing 6 months (Feb-Jul) of not considering any new relationships. After 3 months I may start casually dating again, but I’m trying to hold off until the end of the summer before I consider anything “real” again. So help me god.

Side Note: It sounds so arrogant for me to be all like “I’m going to hold off of all these things” like there’s a line outside my door or something. But seriously, 3 and 6 months will be my record and it’s just because I fall into that shit way too fast and too easily and turn into a giggly school girl and I’m determined not to do that this time. Ugh, each sentence I write I feel like I’m jinxing myself. Send the army if I fail this time Nora! This is not a drill.

Luckily I currently feel so removed from “in love” feelings now that I’m having trouble recalling what those truly felt like. Why was I so controlled by them? Do they put me under some kind of spell? What if I’ve lost all ability to fall deeply in love? I’m afraid I’ll never “find what I once had”, like what I had for all those years of being head-over-heals, torturously in love with Kay, because I’ll never BE that girl again. I’ve lost that “me” because I’ve outgrown that version of myself. She believed in all sorts of magic—she lived in a blissfully ignorant and much smaller world. Sometimes I miss her. She was so content with her life because she knew nothing else. But  I can’t go back. I can never be her again, and even though I miss her sometimes, I don’t want to be her again. I’m just going to have to discover a new kind of magic. Or better yet, create my own.

If I know one thing right now, it’s that I don’t want this time to just be the “time between relationships”. I want this to be the period of growing, the time of knowing myself and loving myself. The time of “fuck yes, this is my life”. And it may last 6 months, or it may last 6 years before I find the connection that is truly worth me trading in my single life. But whatever amount of time it is, I won’t be twiddling my thumbs waiting for princess charming. Most importantly—I’m acknowledging that there’s a possibility that she may never come, I’m realizing that is ok too.

Here’s what I know: I only get one life—so I’m sure as hell going to allow myself to be as picky as I like about who I share it with.

I love being responsible for only myself (and Magpie). I love sleeping in my own bed sprawled out and spending my time how I please, and not having my experiences or schedule filtered through someone else’s moods or needs. I check my phone less because I’m not having to keep up any conversations throughout the day. I get more sleep, I listen to more music and I spend less money. I’ve been going to swim, and dancing more and giving myself more grace and positive self-talk. I’ve been filling my basket at the store with mostly healthy things and baking kale chips and eating lots of avocado and treating myself to dark chocolate that melts in my mouth. I love taking a bath for two hours full of bubbles and fancy bath oils and reading a book from the library and having to answer to no one except my kitten who has meowing conversations with me. The best part is feeling that no one else is entitled to my love and my time, except me. I don’t know why I’ve been savoring that so much, but it’s delicious and I think I was craving it.

I think that’s my confirmation that this is what I need. Being alone feels good and feels right to me.

What if I always feel that way? If I’m so happy on my own, why do I keep falling into relationships? I keep assuring myself that I’m not “one of those girls” who always has to be dating someone. But Nora, apparently I AM if my history is any indication! My therapist pointed out that there is probably some kind of need there that I’ve routinely just filled with a relationship, because it’s a comfortable role for me. The need itself is a good and normal thing, I just have to find other ways to meet it. So, what’s the need? I like having someone to help, to serve, to take care of. I like feeling needed. I like feeling like a good thing. I like being adored. As part of my challenge this year of being mindful, I need to focus on ways to fulfill those needs outside of a relationship.

Ok, I’m sorry for the quite long monologue of nothingness. You get the gist. Forever alone club it is! Thanks for the warm welcome back.

An update on Lily: We got together for a bite the other day because she wanted to share some things with me. She is exceeding all my expectations of handling things well and using this time and energy to take good care of herself. She had some roadblocks that were keeping her from fully accepting and loving herself and it is AWESOME to see the light in her eyes as she tells me about the work she’s doing to overcome those barriers. She said she feels like she’s been reborn and sees herself in a new way and she thanked me and told me I was the catalyst to start her on this path. I’m so proud of her, and very hopeful for friendship ahead for us.

An update on Magpie: she gets cuter every day and is my favorite person.

Now I want an update on you! How was the training in February for Crisis Counseling (that sounds intense)? How is yoga in March going (that sounds delightful–a month of free yoga? I’m hella jelly!)? How are Karina and Key? Have you talked to Cory at all? What was your Boston trip for? Updates updates! What are you doing on Wednesday to celebrate International Women’s Day?

fur-ever alone and cat-ing,

Love, Ruth

P.S. We have been writing each other for over a year now! I’m so proud of us.

P.P.S. One of my favorite songs right now is this one by Emily King, called BYIMM (by you I mean me). And it sounds a like a love song thanking a someone for being wonderful, but then you realize she’s thanking herself. When I googled the music video to send to you I was delighted to see it features Tituss Burgess (who is hilarious… I know him from The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt)!

Another day, another heartbreak.

Dear Ruth:

 

I wanted to start this saying WTF but I am not really all that surprised. And it’s not because I am a dead-inside cynical bitch but because of the things you’ve said about her and because you have not been posting pictures on social media. Something just felt off, maybe it was just our friendship has turned into a telepathic connection. Who knows, but I suspected it.

And it makes me very very very sad. I know you loved her and how special she made you feel. It sounded like she was mature and invested. This could have been a great thing, but here comes life again and plays another trick. I have to give you the kudos though, because you sensed it and you acted. You released her from your relationship into a world in which she can find someone to fall in love with who would fall in love with her. Your words reminded me so much of my break up with Trace last May. You and Trace were in the same situation, but you handled it so much better.

You acted with kindness and compassion and let go of the person you loved so they can find something better. You did not fake it until you made it. You did not hold her emotionally hostage. Trust me, she will forgive you and she will heal. I have forgiven Trace and I have healed (albeit slowly). She is going to hurt for a while, and then she’s going to be okay.

According to Sex and the City, it takes you half the time you dated someone to get over them. And this can be very true or very false. In cases of unrequited love (story of my life), I am more likely to agree with Pablo Neruda when he says: Love is so short, forgetting is so long. She will need time, she will need her process. And you will need yours.

When it comes to love and falling in love, I have a theory: You can plant a seed, but you cannot make it sprout.

You pick the best soil, you fertilize, you water, you play music for it, you put it near a window. But you cannot make the motherfucking seed sprout. I have learned this the hard way by trying (unsuccessfully) to grow basil. You picked a great seed Ruth she was great. You heart is good soil, you did good caring for it, but it did not sprout. It is not your fault, it’s not something you can control.

Why do we fall in love with certain people and not others? I have no fucking idea. I would love to be able to pick and choose who I have deep feelings for. Right now I am running through a list of exes and all I can think of is: DEFINITELY NOT, (if I had been given a choice). 

I don’t know if this comes off the wrong way but :WELCOME BACK TO FOREVER ALONE. I got things to say about this. 

Last week, in the middle of ending things with Sandra (which was very smooth and dramaless), fighting with my friend Abby and drowning in PMS, I found myself in a very dark place. But it was a new dark place, it was not the usual. There was a sadness that I could not place. I am not lonely, I am not depressed. What is it?

It was this: I am not in love. I have been in love with someone for the last five years. Mind you, not necessarily in a relationship and not necessarily happy. I went from being in love with Izzy to being in love with Cory to being in Love with Trace to being in love with Cory to now. My heart is for once at liberty. It is exhilarating and terrifying to not have a person. I don’t have a person to daydream of, or to text romantic messages to, to think of when I am singing Baladas or to picture myself with in 5 years. I am dating and I care about my baes. But I have no intentions of investing emotionally in a long term relationship any time soon.

What is it about being in love that is so appealing? Why do we gravitate so strongly towards the intensity? Are the butterflies even worth it? I wish being in love was not such a big deal Ruth. But it is and that’s why we find ourselves in this position. 

I know that things are hard for you right now and I am sorry that your reality is such. I just want you to know you made the right call and that you will recover. 

 

Stay soft  my friend. There is so much love still to be experienced.

Your friend,

Nora

P.S. I love the poster of your goals. GET THAT TATTOO!!!

Gutted

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Dear Nora,

Thank you for writing, I have missed you. I’m afraid my updates for you are far from the “perfect lesbian life”. I ended things with Lily about a week ago and this week has been one of a heavy heart. It gutted me to end it, but I knew it was the right thing to do. Let me go back and explain.

Everything was moving along swiftly and swimmingly with Lily and I honestly could not ask for a better girlfriend. But a few months in, a pit arose in my stomach and a small voice told me “this isn’t it for you, Ruth”. Per my habit, I told the voice to shut up and continued. There was nothing “wrong” in our relationship! We literally didn’t even fight! It was peaceful and easy and fun–we cooked together and took time apart and did all the adulting things. More than that, I was myself, fully, while being in it. The voice didn’t know what it was talking about.

Lily, Magpie & Me being goofy

But it persisted, and it grew louder. It was my gut speaking up. Eventually I started to listen to it, and after fighting it for a while longer, I gave in to the Truth. I was so happy with Lily. But I was not in love. I didn’t have the deepest kind of feelings I needed to have. I have a huge place for her in my heart, and think the world of her, but I didn’t have the butterflies, the excitement, the hunger and fire I needed to make this a long term relationship. Not everyone needs those things… but I know that I do. I had excitement and hope at the beginning of where I pictured us going, but something was missing for me–I realized as we dated–and I knew I wasn’t going to get there. The realization gave me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Unfortunately when it comes to relationships, the long term ones have to be a unanimous decision made by your body, your heart, your mind, and your gut or else they’ll unravel.

And there seemed to be some divided opinions amongst my body, mind, heart & gut that were unwilling to be swayed. The only right thing to do next was to be honest with Lily and to let her go, so that she can find someone who can be in 100%, the way she deserves. I felt a sense of urgency to end it sooner rather than later, since I was the first person to hold her heart like that–I knew the longer I waited the more damage it could do.

That was some of the most painful news I’ve ever had to deliver. She was so upset Nora. So angry and hurt and betrayed and heartbroken. She felt it was so unfair that I never gave her a chance to weigh in on the decision to end the relationship. She said she should have gotten a chance to fight for it. But I didn’t feel right allowing her to fight for something my gut told me was not mine to keep. It’s so hard to explain to someone that nothing is wrong with them, and that in fact they’re the most wonderful person, but still, you cannot stay.

Trust that the most compassionate thing of all is to release those we don’t love hard enough or true enough or big enough or right. Believe we are all worthy of hard, true, big, right love.

–“Brave Enough”, Cheryl Strayed

I beat myself up for a while for not being able to love her the right way, for not being able to give back to her what she was giving to me, in the long term way she deserved. But then I realized how futile that is, and how unfair to myself. So I reframed my self talk:

“It’s ok Ruth. It’s ok if you can’t give everyone, everything they need. It’s ok that you tried to love her in that way and ultimately couldn’t give her that. It’s ok that you went in thinking it would go a certain way and it went another way. You tried. You gave it your best. It’s ok to love someone and then realize they’re not the one for you. It’s ok to walk away. Be compassionate, be respectful, be kind, be thankful. It’s ok to take care of yourself and do what feels right in your gut. I give you permission to love and not end up with someone. I give you permission to listen to yourself.  It doesn’t make you heartless. It doesn’t make you a quitter. It doesn’t make you a liar. It makes you brave. It makes you honest.”

I don’t regret dating her, even though it caused her pain in the end. I know she will heal. I think we will both be stronger and the love we shared will leave more happy memories than sad ones. I know I learned a lot and I think she did too. She gave me a new kind of hope, that it is possible to be free and myself and not people-please in a relationship. I don’t know why she isn’t mine for sure Nora, but I am trusting it. I am trusting that I will know why some day, and I hope she will too. I am also holding out hope that she will be able to come back into my life as a friend, when she is ready. She wants that, too. We have a special connection, and even though it’s going to be different than what I thought, I think there is still something very much worth saving there.

I watched the visions I had for us and our future go out of focus in my mind. And it was like watching a different life that might have been mine, but wasn’t meant for me. Something else is meant for me and I feel it coming. I feel like there is hard work ahead for me this year, I feel like there is something for me to do, to work on, to become. And I feel like I am supposed to do it on my own, and that I will be alone for a while this time. I feel this calm sense of peace, but also the weight of something coming. It may just be growing pains. Whether I like it or not, I am making room for something bigger in my life.

So much in so little time, already in 2017. What else will this year hold? The current political climate has been like a living nightmare, watching it unfold. It is terrifying. I have been heartened by the outcry of people, by the uprising of so many–joining  together to fight to keep progress in place that has already been hard fought, and to push on ahead. Marching in the women’s march. Going to protests. Calling our representatives. I am going to focus on a few areas this year as well. First and foremost, I have come to realize I can only be an effective advocate and ally if I am truly educated to the experiences of others. And there is no excuse for ignorance. So I’m working to seek out the stories of those who have been oppressed in our country. The list is long, but I think starting by understanding better the lives and experiences of women of color especially will help me be able to better fight for my sisters. I have also felt really compelled to better understand and advocate for climate justice, especially as it effects social justice.

I’ve just been asking myself “How can I amplify the voices of those who are silenced?” “How can I share the stories of those who’s stories have been lost or untold?” The first step is to seek out those stories and hear those voices.

I’ve been really in awe and inspired by some powerful women who have charged ahead through endless obstacles throughout their lifetime, recently I got to hear Janet Mock and Dr. Melba Beals speak. I also finished reading Sisters in Law, about the first women on the Supreme Court and the fight for women’s legal equality–Ruth Bader Ginsberg is my personal hero. It was well timed with the women’s march.

Thank you for my hat!!!

I think you are right to focus on a few core issues. So that is where I am beginning. In addition to women of color and climate + social justice, I also feel called to work on building the bridge over the gap in this country. I know it is a huge gap. But the truth is Nora, I used to stand on the other side–growing up I thought George Bush was God’s gift to the earth and that nothing was more wrong than abortion and homosexuality. I feel ashamed of that now, but I honestly didn’t know any better and that was the “truth” I had been taught. And look where I’ve evolved to! Just a big-ole liberal lesbian living on the West Coast protesting Trump and marching for women’s rights. I know there are others over there who would do better if they knew better. I know there are others like me who can change. Maybe I can help them know better.

I am so excited for you and your SLAY goals this year. If anyone can SLAY, it’s you!! I’m happy to be here to encourage you along the way. I am glad we can encourage each other. With the breakup and the political clusterfuckness of this year so far, I am determined more than ever to be mindful of how I use my time and energy, how I treat myself, and to make the most of this year.

Love, Ruth

P.S. Send good thoughts into the universe for Lily when you think of it. She deserves all the good things this world has to offer.

P.P.S. THANK YOU FOR MY PUSSY HAT AND GAYEST PILLOW EVER. I love them so much. Everyone should buy things from your shop!!!

P.P.P.S. I compiled my list of intentions/things to work on this year too!

Welcome be the Winter

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Dear Ruth:

It took you a month to reply to me and I am responding in  a week  because I was waiting anxiously for your letter. Thank you for writing to me and please don’t torture me like this.

First of all, I totally fell for the joke. I had started texting my guerrilla friends in the Colombian Jungle and they were getting a militia together to rescue you from moving in with anyone. I had to cancel the entire operation but I am so relieved it was not true. It makes me so happy you and Lily are growing together. You are going to meet the parents so things are getting pretty serious.

How do you feel about meeting the parents and how official that makes it?

CAT!!!!!!!!!

I want Magpie in my arms right now! She’s so beautiful and huggable. It is amazing you found a new place and a new companion in so little time. It feels like a final step from moving on from Elise and that relationship. I love that you are doing all the things for you WHILE being in a relationship. Those two things should not be mutually exclusive but they often are.

I envy what you are experiencing right now with setting roots unto a place. Kind of settling in Portland and creating a community independent of your partner or family. I want to do that too. I want to move to Philadelphia and go to medical school, make the place my home and extend my roots. Unfortunately, I am still sitting in the silence and have only heard more Nos. I am suffering hard by what seems to be the death of my dreams. However, I am making Plan Bs that would land me in Philadelphia. I really want to be closer to my people.

.

Last week was the Winter Solstice. It is the darkest day of the year. The longest night. I had a small ritual as I pondered on the similarities between what nature is experiencing vs what is happening with my life. I have been in such dark places this year. So many break ups, so much abandonment, loneliness, tears, depression. But the night has to come to an end and from now end the days will start lengthening giving way into the summer. That is me. I already feel the waves of  improvement in a lot of areas, things are going to get better and who knows, maybe I even get into medical school.

When it comes to our country’s situation, we are going to have to agree to disagree. I think it’s time to riot, set shit on fire, BURN THE PATRIARCHY, make noise. We will be heard. We have to organize and move. History has proved that, unfortunately, revolutions require violence. The Black community has had to FIGHT for every single thing they ever got. So in my opinion, this is not the time to stay silent and send  thoughts and prayers. It is the time for action, and if that action requires rioting, let’s motherfucking riot.

Coming from Indiana, your experience is completely different than mine. You care about the Midwest and you experienced first hand how differently they live. It is impossible for me to empathize with entire states of people who decided a rapist racist should be the leader. Who have entrusted our country to this monster and now entire communities have to live in fear. If someone does not have fear under this presidency, they have privilege. It’s as simple as that.

To answer your gazillion questions, I am feeling better. New meds kicking in well and they help me stay motivated. I have been knitting like crazy and actually went to a fair to sell my hats. Even my etsy store is populated with whatever I did not sell. I have been productive and doing some great self care. Dog sitting is going well, the holidays help a lot and I have had several little fuckers come stay with me. I am still seeing Key and I have met two lovely ladies from okc, karina and Sandra (not their real names).

Karina is a native Angelina who works with plants. Sandra is from San Francisco, she’s Colombian and Venezuelan and works with youth. I am taking it slow with both of them but I am happy where we are, getting to know each other, enjoying each other’s company. And the company of this bird who crashed one of my dates.

 

 

Cory and I went from Limbo to Hell. And the whole thing burned in flames. I was planning a trip to see her on her birthday, she was supposed to help me pay for it (just because I wanted to feel like she was involved). A week prior to her birthday, according to Cory (several people have pointed out she could be lying) her mother showed up in her school and told her that if she saw me she would be cut off from her family. Cory had to make a decision and she chose her family. I don’t think she understands parents make those threats to manipulate their kids until they no longer can. But Cory was not open to negotiation or risking making her mother upset. I really think it’s about money and not wanting to be cut off financially. But that’s just my opinion. She said she could not justify me even to herself and refused to talk on the phone. Her mother hates me because she thinks I turned her gay and I am brown. YES. SHE HATES ME FOR THE COLOR OF MY SKIN. How ridiculous is that.

I wish I could say I am over the whole thing but I love this person so much more than I should. It hurts that she wouldn’t fight for me, it hurts that her being financially comfortable is more important than having me in her life, it hurts that she would not defend me against a racist, especially since she’s related to the racist, it hurts that she can just let it go. Just like that. Bye Nora.

It hurts everyday. I really thought she was it.

I am allowing myself to heal. I know I have to let go of her, and I am trying, but is hard. I secretly hope for a miracle. I have this crazy fantasy in which I get home from work and she’s in my front porch with flowers telling me she worked it out with her family and is ready to make a commitment. Imagine that. Yeah, that’s not happening.

But that is where my heart has been, reaching for the impossible, resisting acceptance, insisting that our love was real and that it will survive. I should know better than to feel this way, but I don’t. I was operating under the assumption that she was in my life long term. I want to at least be her friend, especially since we have my best friend Abby in common and she hates being in the middle of it all. I do not want to lose Abby over this. I already lost one significant person.

That is the biggest source of anxiety for me right now. And my school plans, that’s a big stressor too.

I spent Christmas surrounded by dogs, watching Christmas movies and eating Pizza. We ordered deep dish all the way from Chicago and I cannot wait. Still debating what New Year’s is going to look like.

I hope you find time to write while traveling and that I don’t have to wait another month.

Love,

Nora

PS: Got this on the mail. Made my night, I love presents in the mail.

Alone-ness

, , ,

TRIGGER WARNING: It’s depressing. If you are having a bad day, do not read it.

Dear Ruth:

I try to not be a complete self absorbed asshole and respond to your last letter as I update on my life but today I cannot. This letter is going to be a word vomit of my pain and my loneliness and all the negative feelings that have been roaming my heart.

First, I should tell you that I am PMSing. Hence, depression comes by to say hi, every month on schedule. Sometimes I nod to it and smile, acknowledging its existence but not giving in. This time I have little energy left after the hell of a week I have had, and it has me.

Wednesday morning I woke up with a cough. It seemed like an average cold except my body was in pain, I attributed muscle ache to the PMS and went to work for the next two days. Thursday night I drugged myself on cough medicine and went to bed. I woke up in a puddle of boogers, drool and my sweat. I showered and got dressed for work before realizing that I was not functional. Friday morning at 7am, before it even opened I was at the door of the Urgent Care Clinic. Dr. said it was bronchitis and I got pain meds and antibiotics. Jayne and Pixie came over to hang and brought me plenty of fluids.

I spent all Friday and most of Saturday on the couch. Having difficulty breathing until I realized it was not getting better. Second trip to Urgent Care Saturday night. I ended up getting a shit load more drugs to deal with the shortness of breath and had to buy a nebulizer the next morning, so I can give myself the treatments and not run to the clinic every time I am suffocating.

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At Urgent Care, Saturday night.

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At home with the nebulizer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Besides the constant feeling an asphyxia, the random pains, spasms, fever, a nose that has been running marathons the last few days and other even grosser symptoms, I have to deal with regression. I have had asthma since childhood. I spent says, sometimes weeks in the hospital. It changed my upbringing and made me into the melancholic over thinker I am. You become this way when you near death pretty often.

Pixie and Toby at the pharmacy waiting with me

Pixie and Toby at the pharmacy 

My entire immediate family were having a trip this weekend to Cartagena, Colombia, a few hours away from Barranquilla where they live to see some cousins that went to visit from the US. My friends in New York City were having Dinner somewhere in Bay Ridge. Cory was moving into her new dorm. I felt so alone. And for good parts of the weekend I was not alone at all. I saw my rooomate, my ex, Jayne and my friend Pixie who took me to UC visit 2 and drove me around to get the medicine and the nebulizer.

But I felt so alone. I felt the weight of the life I chose for myself away from my family into a vast land of loving strangers where I will always be foreign. The homelessness that I try so hard to evade, instead invaded me. I could not think of an emergency contact. I did not know who to tell at first that I was sick. The only person who I told how miserable I was was my BFF who lives in NYC.

I was stuck in regression. I remembered bitterly the times I ran to the ER with Trace and how I dont have someone to do that with me. I remember the times in New York where I would go weeks sick. Undocumented and uninsured, I was always afraid of the seeking medical attention. My roommate worked at a pharmacy and would get me antibiotics under the table. I would get inhalers as gifts from random kind people who understood. Dragged myself to the ER more than once though, always alone.

Regress even more into childhood. My family made miserable by my health problems. My insurance card got lost EVERY single time. My father would yell and become violent. I cannot stand him to this day. My mother taking care of me, my sisters, my brother, her job, finances and her abusive unfaithful good for nothing backward glance of a husband. Asthma the only inheritance I received from him. I left them I escaped. I moved away from this dysfunctional shitty environment and chose the American Dream.

Here I am, so many years later still as alone and just as broken. Hustling, fighting struggling. On my own for a while now (eleven years of independence to be exact), my resilience is exhausted. I want my reward for all those years of hard work. I want to not have to worry about money when I am sick (I have insurance though, which is a HUGE progress from where I started). I want partners who meet me all the way and commit. WHY DO MOTHERFUCKERS NOT COMMIT!?!?!?!?!?

I just wanna stay with someone and share life. I am tired of break ups, falling in love with the wrong people, dysfunction, disappointment, abandonment. I am tired of being the orphan, the homeless wanderer, the ship without a port. I want to look at a form, see the words Emergency Contact and not cringe. I want to have someone near, who I know will be there.

This may never change. Someone may or may not come. I may one day or perhaps never have a family. And I live every day in patience, love, and gratitude. Ignoring the uncertainty and rising above the loneliness. But not today. Today I feel how alone I am in every cell of my body and every crevice of my soul.

I am going back to work tomorrow. I hope is up from here and that I menstruate soon enough to stop lamenting. I am sorry if this letter is not what you are used. I have to live with this gigantic monster called depression that sometimes chews its way of the cage.

Thank you for reading this and I hope it was not too self piteous.

I promise you a decent piece of epistolary literature next time, when it stops raining inside my head.

Love

Nora

My only emergency contact

My only emergency contact