Tag Archives: medical school

Welcome be the Winter

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Dear Ruth:

It took you a month to reply to me and I am responding in  a week  because I was waiting anxiously for your letter. Thank you for writing to me and please don’t torture me like this.

First of all, I totally fell for the joke. I had started texting my guerrilla friends in the Colombian Jungle and they were getting a militia together to rescue you from moving in with anyone. I had to cancel the entire operation but I am so relieved it was not true. It makes me so happy you and Lily are growing together. You are going to meet the parents so things are getting pretty serious.

How do you feel about meeting the parents and how official that makes it?

CAT!!!!!!!!!

I want Magpie in my arms right now! She’s so beautiful and huggable. It is amazing you found a new place and a new companion in so little time. It feels like a final step from moving on from Elise and that relationship. I love that you are doing all the things for you WHILE being in a relationship. Those two things should not be mutually exclusive but they often are.

I envy what you are experiencing right now with setting roots unto a place. Kind of settling in Portland and creating a community independent of your partner or family. I want to do that too. I want to move to Philadelphia and go to medical school, make the place my home and extend my roots. Unfortunately, I am still sitting in the silence and have only heard more Nos. I am suffering hard by what seems to be the death of my dreams. However, I am making Plan Bs that would land me in Philadelphia. I really want to be closer to my people.

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Last week was the Winter Solstice. It is the darkest day of the year. The longest night. I had a small ritual as I pondered on the similarities between what nature is experiencing vs what is happening with my life. I have been in such dark places this year. So many break ups, so much abandonment, loneliness, tears, depression. But the night has to come to an end and from now end the days will start lengthening giving way into the summer. That is me. I already feel the waves of  improvement in a lot of areas, things are going to get better and who knows, maybe I even get into medical school.

When it comes to our country’s situation, we are going to have to agree to disagree. I think it’s time to riot, set shit on fire, BURN THE PATRIARCHY, make noise. We will be heard. We have to organize and move. History has proved that, unfortunately, revolutions require violence. The Black community has had to FIGHT for every single thing they ever got. So in my opinion, this is not the time to stay silent and send  thoughts and prayers. It is the time for action, and if that action requires rioting, let’s motherfucking riot.

Coming from Indiana, your experience is completely different than mine. You care about the Midwest and you experienced first hand how differently they live. It is impossible for me to empathize with entire states of people who decided a rapist racist should be the leader. Who have entrusted our country to this monster and now entire communities have to live in fear. If someone does not have fear under this presidency, they have privilege. It’s as simple as that.

To answer your gazillion questions, I am feeling better. New meds kicking in well and they help me stay motivated. I have been knitting like crazy and actually went to a fair to sell my hats. Even my etsy store is populated with whatever I did not sell. I have been productive and doing some great self care. Dog sitting is going well, the holidays help a lot and I have had several little fuckers come stay with me. I am still seeing Key and I have met two lovely ladies from okc, karina and Sandra (not their real names).

Karina is a native Angelina who works with plants. Sandra is from San Francisco, she’s Colombian and Venezuelan and works with youth. I am taking it slow with both of them but I am happy where we are, getting to know each other, enjoying each other’s company. And the company of this bird who crashed one of my dates.

 

 

Cory and I went from Limbo to Hell. And the whole thing burned in flames. I was planning a trip to see her on her birthday, she was supposed to help me pay for it (just because I wanted to feel like she was involved). A week prior to her birthday, according to Cory (several people have pointed out she could be lying) her mother showed up in her school and told her that if she saw me she would be cut off from her family. Cory had to make a decision and she chose her family. I don’t think she understands parents make those threats to manipulate their kids until they no longer can. But Cory was not open to negotiation or risking making her mother upset. I really think it’s about money and not wanting to be cut off financially. But that’s just my opinion. She said she could not justify me even to herself and refused to talk on the phone. Her mother hates me because she thinks I turned her gay and I am brown. YES. SHE HATES ME FOR THE COLOR OF MY SKIN. How ridiculous is that.

I wish I could say I am over the whole thing but I love this person so much more than I should. It hurts that she wouldn’t fight for me, it hurts that her being financially comfortable is more important than having me in her life, it hurts that she would not defend me against a racist, especially since she’s related to the racist, it hurts that she can just let it go. Just like that. Bye Nora.

It hurts everyday. I really thought she was it.

I am allowing myself to heal. I know I have to let go of her, and I am trying, but is hard. I secretly hope for a miracle. I have this crazy fantasy in which I get home from work and she’s in my front porch with flowers telling me she worked it out with her family and is ready to make a commitment. Imagine that. Yeah, that’s not happening.

But that is where my heart has been, reaching for the impossible, resisting acceptance, insisting that our love was real and that it will survive. I should know better than to feel this way, but I don’t. I was operating under the assumption that she was in my life long term. I want to at least be her friend, especially since we have my best friend Abby in common and she hates being in the middle of it all. I do not want to lose Abby over this. I already lost one significant person.

That is the biggest source of anxiety for me right now. And my school plans, that’s a big stressor too.

I spent Christmas surrounded by dogs, watching Christmas movies and eating Pizza. We ordered deep dish all the way from Chicago and I cannot wait. Still debating what New Year’s is going to look like.

I hope you find time to write while traveling and that I don’t have to wait another month.

Love,

Nora

PS: Got this on the mail. Made my night, I love presents in the mail.

Poly dates and other tales

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Dear Ruth:

I am very proud of you for investing so much of yourself towards dating. It can be exhausting and disappointing to be honest, but it seems like you are having all the fun. I think different people have different views about what “the point” of dating is. Some think it is the means to an end, the way to find a partner to eventually settle with. Some people do it for the company, or the sex, or the attention (me, me, all of the above). Some people do it out of habit. And honestly, it does not matter. If dating is doing for you what you want it to be doing, if it’s fulfilling its purpose: enjoy it!

I am always jealous of all the camping and nature pictures that you post. I wish I could travel more often and/or camp. I just wanna be among nature, it is so calming.

Sunday dinner with my roommate

Sunday dinner with my roommate

In the romantic department I have updates: celibacy over 🙂  I decided to try this new website for open relationships and met a girl who I’ll call Princess. She is really cute BUT she’s not very experienced with women, which makes me sad because I don’t like being with lesbian virgins. The sex sucks and they still have to go through their whole coming out process. Ugh I already had mine, can I please get a break?

That same week, I went on a hiking date with a guy named Key, and it turns out Key and Princess had met the day before. Basically, we all met each other the same week on separate dates. So we planned to have a three people date and went to have Korean BBQ (which by the was was epic). I’ve seen them a few times only, but I really like the dynamic. And the sex, the sex is great. The two of them spend more time with each other than they do with me, and although this bothered me for a split second, it also makes me extremely happy because it lowers the expectations of HAVING to see someone every so often. I need something low key and casual. I want outings, adventures, attention, sex. But I also need to keep my head in the game of getting into medical school and making friends.

Going out with the dog NOT being social

Going out with the dog NOT being social

As of today, I have not attended any meet-ups like I said I was going to. I have been dealing with lots of other people’s drama and some work stuff. Now that the drama has winded down, I need to start prioritizing my process AGAIN. This is the cycle I find myself in. I am focused and centered: knitting, reading, doing my rituals, working out. Then something happens, drama, stress, sex, anything and I get distracted. I take my eyes off the process and engage with people, neglecting myself until I start to feel miserable and realize it’s because I have not had ME time. Balance It’s hard. Balance does not come naturally to me.

 

My current main stressor is the medical school application process. I have submitted 11 secondary applications as of today, I am waiting for some schools to send theirs as I am debating if I want to add more primary applications NOW or LATER. I don’t know if I am being inpatient or if I am being unwise. Usually applying early is better, but I have applied to schools that I REALLY REALLY want to go too. Any schools left on my list are places I am able/willing to attend, but not particularly excited about. Most of it has to do with LOCATION. I wanna be near NYC. I dont want to be in the city but  within drive-able distance, anywhere I can go visit the city for a random weekend and return home on a Monday for classes would be ideal.

What I need to do right now is chill. I need to relax and go on walks and runs and if by the end of September I have not had any interview invitations, then add more schools to my repertoire. The problem is that I suck at patience. I SUCK AT BEING PATIENT. OMG I cannot even wait for the microwave to beep. It’s fucking horrible. And there’s a few factors, besides my personal flaws, that make it hard to wait.

  1. I am ready to leave california. I stayed here for reasons that I could not control. I basically got stuck here and as grateful as I am for the opportunity to experience the Pacific South, I just have not found a single thing or a single person that anchors me enough. I want to go.
  2. I miss Cory. I want to see her and an interview for a school in the east coast means I get to see her. An acceptance in a school in the east coast means I get to date her. She has told me not to worry about her and to apply everywhere and focus on increasing my chances for admission. But, I want to be with her. I need to be with her. It’s not up to me though, again it’s up to medical school admission committees.
  3. I am old. I am reapplying, I tried this once and failed. I corrected a few mistakes I made last time I applied (applying early, more letters of recommendation, added research to my CV, etc) but the fact that I have been waiting to get into medical school since 2014 means my total wait will be 3 years. And 3 years is a lot.
  4. My friends are in medical school. I really wish I could be experiencing this with them, but for circumstances out of my reach I had to wait until this year to reapply. I am jealous about it, I am sad. I wanna start my education.

As you can probs tell, I have been stressing over this. I stare at my phone hoping for an email. And  I need to chill.

On a positive note, I am so extremely happy and grateful for my friends during this period though. they have managed to remove the biggest stressor of this all: money. The application is so competitive and expensive, that I did not have the resources to do it and thanks to crowd funding I am actually able to afford it. I can see people believe in me, so much that they would give me their money. Every time someone donates I want to cry of happiness. Just think about someone who has not had parental support of anyone give her anything through all of adulthood. Support feels great.

Luckily, you are going to be here this weekend and we are going to get to do all the things. I am hoping we can go to the beach, and hiking, and to West Hollywood to see the gayz in their natural habitat. I am also dog-sitting this weekend so I will have a canine visitor as well as a human visitor (you).

Thank you for writing to me and please dont let so much time pass. I need yo know about all these Portland lesbians I am missing out on.

Cannot wait to see your face (fuck patience)

Love,

Nora

 

Major Writer’s Block

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Dear Ruth, 

You insist on being MIA and I just don’t know what to do with myself. I am starting to think that your letter got lost in the mail. The wires got crossed and it landed in Antarctica or anywhere that’s not here. I can wait for you to respond but I rather much not. Especially since I sat here all set up to write my personal statement for admission to graduate school and so far I got nothing. 

Therefore, I will write to you and vent about a few things that have been on my mind:

1.Medical School:

This application process is freaking terrible. I applied once and I failed. The following year I could not apply because I had some immigration issues going on. So this is my last chance to apply without re-taking the MCAT and I am freaking out.  I am competing with a bunch of privileged people whose job so far has been to get good grades. A lot of them live and breathe to become competitive applicants. That has not been my life. I am alone, I had to work, I had to pay rent. 

I could not just volunteer a thousand hours in a lab or a clinic. I could not just study away as I would have liked to. A part me knows I don’t have the numbers to chase this dream and that as an immigrant this is aiming pretty high. But the fact of the matter is that I don’t see myself doing anything else, so I am going to keep trying until I get into medical school or become so disillusioned with this dream that it’d wither away on its own. 

2. Emotionally unavailable people:

I have come to realize that I have been in love mutually only once and that was with my ex. I was in love with her and she was in love with me. This exhilarating experienced clouded my judgement and lead me to make crazy decisions.Some of them good, like coming out of the closet and committing to a relationship. Some of them bad, like moving in together too soon and moving to another state. 

I have the terrible habit of falling in love with emotionally unavailable people. This is a painful measure of self protection but it’s killing me. Trace and I are in such different places emotionally, I know they don’t feel about me as strongly as I feel about them and honestly, I doubt they want to. Here’s the catch though: they treat me well. They are honest, they don’t give me shit or drama for anything. We have a pretty chill relationship and I have been happy so far. 

My love and I

My love and I

But then my brain turns on, and starts thinking. Thinking is DA WORST. I realized that although they love me they’re not in love with me and this imbalance hurts. It pains me that their heart does not jump like mine, like they don’t yearn for me, that they are not fulfilled with me the way they have with other partners in the past. It makes me insecure. It makes me jealous of ghosts, of people in their past that have had what I want: Trace’s devotion. I have seriously considered ending it but I literally do not have a reason other than “They’re not in love with me” I cannot punish them (and myself) for something that is outta of our control. It’s stupid. 

The only thing more painful that the emotional imbalance would be to not have them in my life at all. I am trying to live the moment, I am trying to tell myself that maybe one day they’ll wake up and realize I am FUCKING WONDERFUL. That day may or may not come, maybe some other bitch shows up and they think SHE’s fucking wonderful. I actually brought this up, and their reaction was “What happens then?” UGH instead of “What are the chances of that?” They’re not the best at reassuring me TBH. 

3. Vicious Cycles

I am seeing seeing someone this summer that I’ll refer to as Blondie. Blondie is the person I cheated on my partner with. I have feelings for her STILL. TWO YEARS LATER. It is one of those situations in which we did not get a chance to be together because I moved to California so I keep wondering what would have happened if…I know the answer though: It’d be a fucking disaster. We are too different. She’s semi closeted, monogamous, privileged, seven years younger, her family hates me because I “turned her gay” (ha, ha not sorry I am hot). 

But I hold on to this illusions, one day…It’s part of what I was saying before: Going for emotionally unavailable people. How do I stop?

4. Commitment

I love Trace. I want to be with them for a while. But there’s life and reality and medical school and distances. I realize that i don’t want to fully commit to anyone since my ex because I find that I do not have healthy boundaries. I am impulsive and extremist I don’t measure myself out. I jump. I don’t want to do that anymore. 

I resent my ex extremely for making me move here. Moving here has delayed my dreams, it created issues financially and professionally for me. That’s not even mentioning the decay of my mental health and surviving without a support system. I no longer dwell on this though, I have made the best of my time in California. But the resentment is still there. 

I am taking my time with relationship commitment. Focusing of getting into school and then, once I know where I will be the next four years of my life I can commit to a place and a person, hopefully Trace. There’s residency to worry about but that’s way too far away in the future. 

5. Personal statement

Why wont this just write itself?

I really hope you are doing well and you are just busy with life and your wife. I appreciate having this space to vent and communicate with you and whoever else has been reading this letters. Makes me feel like my voice is heard. 

My schedule is freeing up. The last few months I have been working full time, shadowing a doctor, volunteering downtown and volunteering in research. Had to take a leave of absence from my virtual crisis volunteering. I am returning to that in June, or as soon as I can write this personal statement thing. I am done doing volunteer research and shadowing. So things are winding down. 

I start a new job next week that I am extremely excited about. Between the new job, the new apartment and some plans to travel this summer I am really really grateful to the Universe for all the gifts it has granted me this year. 

I hope you don’t have a writer’s block as big as mine. 

Love, 

Nora

 

Dognut

Dognut