Tag Archives: 30

How one thing leads to the other

Dear Ruth, 

As I went through my to do list for the week, I saw your name sitting on the lines since Monday waiting to be crossed off. I went to the dentist and then the pharmacy. Walked around in circles, burning time and in the mean time, listening to a podcast. Inevitably, the distraction I chose to forget about you, brought me back to you as Lidia Yuknavitch was in an episode I was listening to.

She was talking about failure, about “all the times [she’s] had to reinvent a self from the ruins of [her] choices”  and how we have the ability to reinvent ourselves endlessly. You can hear the whole thing here. This was so well timed. I officially withdrew from my graduate program yesterday. I am a drop out and about to reinvent myself.

First of all: how do you like my 30-year-old-crisis haircut? Hamsters included.

The short version is that my grades were unsatisfactory and I would not be able to continue in the program. I was offered a different program but rejected it and preferred to withdraw. This was my last attempt at becoming a doctor and I failed terribly. I am both mortified and relieved. I feel empty but also free.

I have been in a bubble of fear for the last few weeks, trying to figure out what’s next and build up from the ruins; but I was going the whole wrong way about it. However lately, I have been going on walks, I am walker. It helps me think.

On a walk

When I start walking the questions rain on me from all directions: what am I gonna do now? should I be a nurse, a teacher or a social worker? should I get in tech, sex work, writing? should I stay in Philly or go somewhere else? should i get a full time job or two part times? what am I doing tomorrow? As I walk they fall into piles, like dirty laundry I am able to sort them out. Darks, lights, heavy questions. I don’t actually answer any of them, the answers never come but  it does not matter because the questions disappear as soon as they lose their power.

I am okay with the uncertainty in a way I have never been. I can see how it is good to be alone. It would be too much pressure if I had a partner to support or a child for example, even a dog. Me alone I can deal with. I am looking for work and spending some time learning to code online. I am going to make time to read actual books. I am always listening to an audiobook or a podcast but I miss the feel of the pages, and the smell. I am also making community.

The Queer community in Philly is very active. I have been to a couple of events. All sort of things from sex party to sober brunch to crafting. I have been on a few dates and made some friends. There are a good number of Queer and Trans People of Color in Philadlephia. The scene is great and I like that there are lots of sober spaces. For a long time the gay community has been associated with bars and clubs but we are moving towards more inclusive settings. Having sober spaces means youth, sober people and anyone who does not drink can participate.

I am not sure where this year will take me professionally and I am okay with that. More than okay, I am excited. Since I was so focused on medicine, I did not explore anything else in depth. I am excited to see what is out there and all the things  that I can do. I just ordered the book “Outrageous Openness” because that is exactly what I feel.

Some of my more personal projects include:

  • keep studying A Course in Miracles
  • write more
  • participate in the community
  • join a church or an organization
  • get better at tarot
  • get a profitable side gig
  • get over the fear of driving
  • go on a solo trip
  • go on a group trip

    “I need coffee” Fairy porcelain I recently acquired.

I was really happy to hear about you and Jessie (and Magpie). You sound so in love with her and it is fascinating to see. I liked the gift you made her, so cute! (so gay!). I am glad she brought you to the coffee side because there is nothing else to live for than coffee.

I am ready to see you go through your writing class: please tell me everything about this. What do you hope to get out of it? what do you want to write about?

Thank you for being a great friend and returning to me!



P.S. Song of the year for me: I rise up by Andra Day 


Writing from the bus

Dear Ruth,

I write this letter to you as I gaze into the void of the garden state. I am crossing NJ in my way to New York City to meet up with some friends and go upstate to someone’s birthday. I feel slightly guilty about doing, but there’s no guilt-free pleasures anymore. I was trying to watch some lectures bu the wifi is spotty and it annoyed me. I know it has been a long time since I wrote and I am sorry it took me so long. Every break I get it’s mostly spent sleeping, or doing some sort of self care thing in order to stay sane. This school thing is really hard.

Let me begin by addressing the biggest hardest change, rather briefly: Toby died. He died on August 8th, 2017. I have so much to say about grief but I will be making a letter to explore just that. I am not quite ready to say anything other than I miss him every day.

The week after Toby died I had my first official graduate school test in biochemistry. I got an F for effort. The second test (yes I am already on round 2 although I’ve been in school for less than two months) I got a B for badass. So that improved. Then I took my first microanatomy test, got another F for effort and to be fair I deserved it. I was so focused on recovering from the biochemistry F that I neglected the other subject and crammed it in like 48 hours. I was so so exhausted I was falling asleep during the test.

I have been reaching levels of exhaustion I had forgotten existed. I have dreams about the material, I am always catching up with something. There’s so much to learn at all times. It’s really overwhelming. I am making sure I take care of myself as much as possible while also doing well in school. It sucks because I really want to excel, I am tired of being average to below average. I want to be at the top of class and I do my best but, really, I don’t know how to. Between Toby’s passing and failing tests I have had a pretty rough start.

The fact that I recovered in biochemistry makes me hopeful since I feel I can re-design my methods to work better the next time around. Medical education, they say, it’s like sipping from a hose. So much is thrown your way and you just try to swallow as much as possible. I need to keep my GPA on the higher end in order to matriculate into medical school next year, so the pressure to succeed is on.

~end rant about school~

Here are some nice pics of Philly, I am loving the place!

The flame in Washington Square is ever burning, the brush with paint drop is my favorite sculpture so far. Then, a random highway somewhere.

On other wordly news, I am very unimpressed with Philadelphia women, and men to be totally honest. I have been on a few dates that lead nowhere and with a people who are mostly fake. I thought I had a good prospect when I met this queer polyamorous couple who are also kinky and seemed very interesting. We went on a few dates and made out, I was so looking forward to having an all girl threesome. But then they stood me up. This was last night, they showed up more than an hour late to a date that one of them planned, picked the time and the place. Like, WHY?!?!?! I know shit happens and I am trying not to be a bitch here, but having TWO people stand you up is double the humiliation. They were super sorry and what not, but I am still not sure I can get past it.

I sat alone in a beer garden, for an hour, just watching hipsters in their natural habitat. I left and my stupid phone decided to die so I couldnt get an uber, I returned to the beer garden and borrowed a charger. They arrived with their sorry ass faces and I was beyond angry. I did not want to make a scene so I just told them I was leaving, they offered a ride and I said no. The end.

I am tired Ruth. School is consuming my life and I wish I had a person, or two or three, to hang out/make out/cuddle/sex with. I do not have the time to actively look for a partner and I really want one. Can it just fall on my lap like yours did? There’s a couple of pretty cute first years in my building, but I would not even know how to flirt, especially since they are so much younger and damn, kids these days.

The state of my love life

On the other hand, I do enjoy being alone (that is until I don’t). I like NOT being in love with anyone. I like feeling in control of my life. I like that my heart feels safe. I have been in love four times, I think. One out of four I think I felt at peace with it. It was with my ex Izzy and I think a big part of it was because she was also in love with me. Other than that, being in love feels as a period of longing and wanting and never getting enough. I have such a bad taste in my mouth from Trace and Cory, they make me not want to go there again. At least, not anytime soon.

I do not mean that I am avoiding or that if the opportunity arises I would not pursue it. I am just not actively chasing butterflies. I am going through a very spoiled phase in which I just ask myself: “is this person here to worship me?” If the answer is NO, they can go. I want to be pursued, I want to be chased after, I want someone who is eager to see me and touch me.

Maybe this crazy mindsets of mine is why I am single at 30. However, I do not mind it terribly. I am single by choice and I firmly stand by the decisions that have led me here. Even the mistakes seemed like a good idea at the time.

Two days ago, after the last exam I read the tarot for myself. I asked about my love life, which I never do because I honestly don’t wanna know. The future showed a person. This was unique I don’t really get people cards. They are a very safe person, someone reliable although slightly boring. I wonder who it is, and if I’ll go for it once they arrive.

Now on to you Ruth, WTF is this: “Do you think there are things that are parts of us that exist outside of time and place and know better than our present selves?” I secretly hope you were experimenting with acid, in which case, it makes sense.

I am really happy you met Jessie and that you two are so disgustingly into each other. It’s a bit refreshing knowing that we can still at this age and after all the heartbreak, reach the bright intensity that only love can give. I am glad you are going all in, because really what else is there to do?

If two people are in the clouds, the best choice seems to be to ride that cloud and see where it takes you. It may run out steam and crash at some point OR it can go to neverland, and narnia, and maybe even The Shire. It’s most definitely fucking worth it so enjoy it Ruth. Enjoy the time you have with Jessie and the love that is growing.

You deserve it.

This is getting kinda long and I am almost at my destination.

I’ve missed writing to you.

I also want to write to Janet and talk a little bit about my own coming out story, but I guess that’ll have to wait until the next bus ride.

I love you dearly.

PS: I am on a tablet with public wifi. I hope this thing is formatting correctly.