Tag Archives: mental health

Welcome to Dumbfuckistan

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Dear Ruth:

Your last letter was so beautiful and poetic and on point. “Love withheld is love wasted” GODDAMN girl, who is you? Maya Angelou? Reminded me of how we met and why I started this with you.

screenshot_2016-11-17-20-05-36Thank you so much for being understanding and empathetic. I was having a really hard time these past two months and you have been there for me. I should start by explaining that it turned out I was physically sick. I had to seek treatment and this sickness was affecting my mental health. I thought my meds were not working anymore and went to the psychiatrist and was sent to a doctor to deal with the physical stuff. Once physical disease was over I was able to seek treatment for my depression relapse.

It seems like what I have been experiencing the last two months was burnout. Any chronic condition has a certain degree of maintenance that you must live with and it gets truly exhausting. Having to pep talk myself out of bed every morning, having to make lists of things to accomplish every day so I don’t just sit on the couch and mope, having to check my mood and wonder if its real or chemical. I was done. I did not want to do any more emotional work. I was very moved when you said that healing was rest. I have always looked as healing as work. Allowing it to happen is just as effective as making it happen. I am more of a proactive person, I like to make things happen but sometimes, you cannot. Sometimes you need to let it happen instead. And that is where I am at. 

Psych gave me a new med and it’s kicking it. I have started gardening again and will be making one in the front of the house. Fairy garden was neglected and flowers died (may have been the cold too). I am trying to start a dog-sitting business (link here) because I am a broke bitch. I tried taking an online drawing class but dropped out in the middle of depression. I think I want to try again. Motivation is returning and I am starting to feel like myself again.

It feels so good. I’ve missed myself.

2016 is a motherfucking joke and Trump is elected president.

WTF America. WTF.

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I cannot believe dumbfuckistan and the millions of people who literally do not care about my existence. As an immigrant, a woman, a gay person, a brown person, a mental health advocate, I am scared. I am not a citizen yet but my green card puts me in a safe place. I see people who are less threatened by him be more affected than me with this situation but honestly I have been here before. I lived in America undocumented for ten years. I learned to not live in fear, to trust my surroundings, to hide in the urban bubble and mix in like one more American (which I am). And this worked for me. My status was never questioned because I am educated, I speak the language (albeit with an accent), I know things. I lived in the shadows and kept a low profile and stayed out of trouble and this was my safety tent.

I do not want to return to that tent. I want to be more open I want to advocate and do activism. I wanna fight for Black Lives, women’s rights, reproductive rights, gay rights, accessible healthcare, removal of mental health stigma. The Trump administration is going to be the beginning of my revolution. I just hope I can do it from Medical School.

(Side note: no news yet, two rejections so far and das all)

In terms of personal things: I am still seeing Key and Cory is back in my life. I did see her in NYC, I was WASTED. I was one drink away from alcohol poisoning. I barely remember the night but I manipulated her into coming to Queens to prove her love for me and proceeded to send her home and treat her bad. Ended up leaving with my friends at 4am (she stayed the whole time begging me to go home with her and crying) and that was the end of that. It was BBBAAADDDD drama shit that I can do without. She seemed to not have realized how serious I was until I actually left her stranded in Queens.

I enjoyed my trip and spent lots of time with my BFF Abby and my Colombian friends who talk to me on the regular. I regret nothing.

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Union Square twins

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I am an elf among my Hobbit friends

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BFF and I, True Love.

Two weeks after the trip Cory sent me an email realizing the size of her dumbassery and the multiple ways in which she fucked up. It took me a whole week to reply to her but I explained about depression and sickness and how it had affected my mood and she was not supportive or even sensible to it. She has been very apologetic and checking on me constantly now. I just don’t trust it because you know, trust is an issue. I would be willing to try again if and only if she’s willing to help me heal from the last disaster (Trace). As of right now, we’re in limbo.

You said on your last letter that I was giving trace too much power by letting them change me for the worst. BITCH PLEASE. If I had a choice none of that drama would have touched me. But that’s not how it works. And I quote Stephenie Meyer on this one “One thing I truly knew – knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest – was how love gave someone the power to break you”

When you allow yourself to love someone, you put yourself in a vulnerable position. I did and Trace did a number on me. I am healing, slowly but surely. After Trump’s election they reached out “worried” about me.  We have had a few short interactions. Their guilt repulses me tbh. They hurt me, worked themselves back into my life so they could hurt me again. I stayed truth to myself, I loved to the best of my abilities, I worked on it. I did everything I could have possibly done. I am passed the point of disbelief or disappointment and I am able to appreciate the lesson. I am the best partner anyone could ever have, I am goddamn fairy, I should price myself higher.

How are you doing with results of the election? How are things with Lily?

It seems like she’s the hopeless romantic type, perfect for you. I am so happy you have someone and regardless my low key judging I perfectly understand what you mean by “Life is too damn short” Why would you pass on an opportunity for love? Why skip friendship and pleasure and cuddles and cats? It would have been a dumb move.

I was worried about you getting lost in the sauce and moving in with her next month. But I decided to trust your common sense on this one and that if you threatened to move in with her any time in the next year I will personally show up in Portland with an army and prevent it. TAKE YOUR TIME.

I think you spent the most time being single since your break up with K and had great experiences dating multiple people and yourself. At the end of the day you are a monogamous woman (boring…) and want to settle in with one partner. Sounds like Lily is a good partner to you and I hope she continues to be. I am interested on how things are different after Elise and how YOU are different.

Thank you for being a good friend and loving yourself first.

Happy Belated Birthday!!! I need pictures. 

Love,

Nora

PS: I am on OKC and talking to a few ladies, hopefully going on a date soon. I need pussy in my life.

Of why I came to America

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Dear Ruth,

The pictures of the tree house are EPIC. They’re the most reblogged post in our tumblr page.

Thank you for taking my craziness into consideration and writing such a lengthy Echo Park, Los Angeles and educational reply to my ranting. Things got worse before they got better. I had a panic attack at work and the boyfriend had to come pick me up. Well, they did not have to. They chose to pick me up because I mentioned I did not feel safe going home,I did not want to be unsupervised. When I get panic attacks I get kind of paranoid and I think everything is out to get me. Oh, and I cannot stop crying. It’s not fun and it’s not pretty. I am also not crazy.

I am gratefully doing better and sat with myself in the park the other day to write some things down and prioritize. I have way too much in my plate right now. The stress level is escalating and it will only get higher if I want to apply to school this summer. I really need to come up with a game plan.

When it comes to mental health, it is very important to have the right support and the right strategy. “Winging it” is a really really really bad plan.

I am glad Elise has you as support and if you ever not know how to deal with it, feel free to ask away.

In the love life, I am looking to date but have not met anyone that catches my eye lately. I am very in love with Trace and I am enjoying it. Did I mention Trace is agender? They recently changed their pronouns to they/them/theirs and I am adjusting to it. We settled for the title “boyfriend” or partner because they are the home depot type.

Ruth, I am glad you asked about my move to the states. It’s a really boring story but it’s a big part who I am since moving here shaped me so much.

My mom is a minister. Her dream job is to preach the gospel and get paid for it. She’s also an educator, that’s her day job. My mother has two sister who emigrated to the states when she was very young. One those sisters, also named Nora, is a devout christian. My aunt Nora’s church used to have a pastors conference every year during the month of April. In 2003, my mom received an invitation to attend the conference and my other aunt had the idea to include me on the letter. I was very involved in my church and was a minor so it was very likely I would get a visa.

Alas, the American embassy gave us an interview for a visa the week after the conference and it would not make any sense to even attend the interview. But my aunts in New York were very invested in seeing my mom in the states. They had not seen her for like 30 years so they talked to the church and they issued my mom an invitation for a different event in June that year. Our visas were approved and we came in June 2003. My mom stayed for a few months and went back to Colombia in August. I did not see her for a few years after that.

I lived with my aunt Nora for about a year and a half but we did not get along and it was hell. Then I lived with another aunt Mary for another year-ish. I moved out the winter after I turned 18 and never looked back.

It’s a pretty lame story but that’s the gist. The only interesting part is how I made this decision. In December 2002, my mom asked me if given the opportunity would I live in the United States with my aunt. I said yes instantly. I was in my last year of High School and I was aware there was no money for higher education. My father is completely useless and my mom was struggling to carry my sisters community college. My future after school did not look bright or promising so i was given a way out and took it. I also hated my parents, so everyone wins.

This remains to date the most important decision of my life and I made it as a child. I am not sure why this was left up to me

or who thought it was a good idea to send a teenager into the wild alone. Yes I lived with relatives but I had never met them. They did not feel like family, still don’t. Being alone in this country has made me the strong independent invincible woman that I am today. But I was not always this person. I had to survive the loneliness and the abandonment. Had to figure out life, adulting, education, health, basically EVERYTHING. Alone and in a different country. I do not recommend it. I would not send my children away to have a better future.

This is getting long but to answer the rest of your questions:

Do you still keep in touch with them?

Yes, through whatsapp mostly I don’t like talking on the phone so internet is better

Have you ever gone back?

I have been back once and it was interesting. (Would you like details?)

Are your closest friends with you in California? or still back in NY?

My closest friends are in NY. I am starting to make friends in California. I have made a really strong bond with one friend named Pixie. There’s a friend Stephanie who I dated a while back in NYC who now lives here. She’s great to have. I hope to keep growing a circle. Even though I am not sure if I am staying here.

Do you have people in your life who feel “permanent”?

No. I had one friend named Sofia who felt permanent but she decided to dump me in 2014, after six years of friendship. Bitch moved to California last December and STILL did not hit me up. That has made it really hard to trust friendships. My Best friend Iris who is in NYC is healing most of that wound and she is starting to feel permanent even though we are apart.

I hope this answers your questions Ruth. Feel free to keep asking.

I still want to hear about the “m” word though. Trace and I have discussed moving in together and agreed to revisit the idea seriously when we have been together for about a year. I saw this article in Autostraddle about the pace of relationships and how it is different for everyone and not an indicator of ANYTHING. Made me think of you and Elise who went from dating to wife-ing in less than a year.

I hope the ice has melted completely by now in Portland, and that you are finding fresh vegetables in the hipster markets you are always visiting.

Toby desperately needs a haircut, buSnapchat-7584283940234007677t he says hi.

Thank you for being a good friend.

Love, 

Nora 

Loved as a whole

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Dear Nora,

I’ve been marinating in two pools of thought ever since I read your letter. 1) thinking about that “m” word…and your question “WHY?” and 2) thinking about relationships in combination with mental health issues.

Thank you for sharing about your depression with me. I’ve known people in the past who try to hide their struggle with that. But that just piles shame on top of depression, and adds another log on that fire of perceived failures.

I also appreciate you addressing the importance of a partner (or really, any close person in your life) learning how to best help you during a bout of depression. Mental health has been a recurring theme in my life without me being able to say I’ve personally struggled with it. Some of the most important people I hold dear struggle with mental health issues. I am certain I’ve been guilty of not handling it well at times, just trying to douse out depression with a big bucket of positivity. I’ve definitely learned over time that it’s more beneficial and comforting to them when I step into their pain with them instead of trying to pull them out of it.

There is so much shame and easy dismissal of those with mental health struggles.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve head a comment like: “I dated her, but she was crazy–seriously, she was bi-polar or something and needed to be on meds.”

I am disturbed by that statement on many levels. Mostly it’s just an ignorant and shaming thing to say–who are you to diagnose and prescribe treatment?

My sister is bi-polar, it’s something she wakes up every morning and tackles–the weather systems of moods sweeping through her days and nights. But there is almost no one I love as much as her. Not only is she incredibly lovable and unique and generous and brilliant, she is a kind and loving partner to the man she is dating. And has been completely open with him about her challenges.

Mental health is a very real thing. In fact, a very common thing (1 in 5 adults in the U.S. struggle with mental health). It can have a huge, crippling impact on a life, or it can hover in the background like a buzzing fly, or come and go in waves. But no matter what it’s presence is like, the person who has to deal with it is still 100% worthy of love and empathy and acceptance. And they may choose to seek medication and therapy, and they may not. Or they might find other ways to handle it (fried chicken and lavender are nice). But your job, as someone who loves them, is not to shame them, or tell them they’re “crazy”, or dictate what their treatment should be. It’s to support them. It does bring a unique set of challenges to romantic partnerships, but who doesn’t come with their own variety of challenges, insecurities, and struggles? I think the best way to “deal” is to just be as open and honest with communication as possible. You aren’t there to save or fix someone, your job is to love them, and love yourself.

*whew* Sorry that was just a bit longwinded. Obviously this is an important topic to me. Elise deals with some mental health issues as well, and has been upfront with me from the beginning about it. I have so much to learn still, but I know these challenges have already stretched me to grow in so many ways. You don’t love someone in spite of their issues, you love them as a whole—all the parts of them make up who they are.

Ok, since this has gotten quite lengthy, I’m going to save my response about marriage for the next letter. In the meantime, some questions for you, my dear. This is highly personal, but can I ask why you left your family in Colombia at age 16? That is such a brave and terrifying thought to me. Do you still keep in touch with them? Have you ever gone back? Are your closest friends with you in California? or still back in NY? Do you have people in your life who feel “permanent”?

P.S. Thoughts of marriage coming soon. Also, massages do sound nice as well.

Love, Ruth

P.P.S. Elise and I celebrated our one year anniversary on Vancouver Island, B.C. by staying at this amazing spherical floating treehouse! It was unforgettable and quite special. Pictures below, because I can’t help myself…

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Endings and beginnings.

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Dear Ruth,

Happy International Women’s Day!!!! Being a woman it’s the biggest of blessings. I have followed the poet you recommended and it was the best idea. Thank you.

Happy Leap day!!! I am late af and no, I did not do anything interesting.

I am sorry I did not get back to you sooner. I have been in a weird mental space. Depression returns like a debt collector with a list of my failures and reads them out loud for me to enjoy. I cannot do much internally to fight it other than being grateful for what I have and sending love memos to myself. Externally I play music as loud as possible, listen to podcasts and knit to the sound of Netflix. Anything that is louder than my internal demons helps, temporarily.

And lavender, lavender helps.

I thought it was interesting you mentioned casual dating when I was talking about my Baes. Polyamory is so much more than that. I get bored of casual dating because I do not like hook ups. I rather invest myself in people and create meaningful bonds. Kind of like you, but with one more than one person.  I don’t ever want to feel responsible for fulfilling ALL of one person’s needs. That was so draining for me. Knowing than my partners have other partners that can provide things I lack lowers the pressure to be everything they need.

Although not all is well in poly-paradise. I recently broke up with Jayne due to some irreconcilable incompatibilities. I am a sarcastic smart-ass and she’s a Hippie. We could not see eye to eye in things that were actually important. Like depression. She tried to provide support for me in a way that I did not respond well to. At times she would just sit with me and bring me fried chicken. Those are the good days, that is the support I need. I need fried chicken in my life. On other occasions I would try to talk to her, like comment on what I was feeling and her response is always positive and optimistic which is the WORST thing to offer to someone in depression.

You cannot present happy alternatives to someone who is in pain. You must wait for the pain to pass and keep them IMG-20160209-WA0009comfortable, like an emotional hospice patient. Seeing others provide love and allow you to sulk (for short periods of time) is the best kind of support. A depressed person is negative and miserable and unpleasant and not by choice. In my case, it really helps to have a loved one sit  in the hole with me, it gives me strength to rise up. But if someone stays on top and throws me a rope, instead of going down the misery road with me for a bit, I feel judged.

Fortunately I have wonderful friends and one other partner who are being supportive. I threw a pity party with $5 wine and some take out and watched Mockingjay for the umpteenth time. It helped and thanks to that I am now able to reply to you.

Romantic dates with my ex, NO!!!! They are not romantic at all. They are fun though. And we try to stay in each other’s lives although it is hard. We know each other too much and tend to pick up fights rather often. I would say the thing that allows us to stay friends is humor. Not taking things too seriously. I make fun of her obsession with drums and the gym, she makes fun of my “bae collecting” and lack of exercising. She sends me snaps of her working out at gym, I send her one back of me knitting with the hashtag #workout. We realize that we were growing apart in general and we are better humans apart. She has more time to invest in things she loves and I have more time to NOT hang with her friends and actually make my own, which was really hard here in California.

I am happy about you and Elise’s year. What is the plan for the anniversary?

I hope that this “m” word you speak of is “massage”. I hope that you are giving each other deep tissue aromatherapy massages to deal with the relationship things. I hope this “m” word does not require a trip to the courthouse and a ring, because OMG that a scary thought.

As a person who was separated from her family at the age of 16, I have a hard time gathering the idea of permanence. The concept that someone stays forever, like your family is supposed to, has been broken for me and it no longer exists. When I think of long term relationships I think of stability and companionship for a long time (like ten years). When someone says things like FOREVER I tend to slowly turn around and then run as fast as my dog runs to steal the cat food from the neighbor.

So let me ask you this, what is it that you envision yourself getting from this union? What is it that marriage has to offer than a partnership (minus legal contract) cannot?

You talked in your letter about the both of you recently getting off the infatuation cloud and landing “here”. What is here? What’s in that place? Does it smell good? Is it comfortable? Is it sustainable?

I am full of questions today.   

I am going to buy some paint and a few lamps to re-decorate some rooms of my inner house that have not been used in a while. This transition is going to be rough but I am always ready for a challenge that promises a happy ending.

The West Hollywood Public Library is closing soon and I must send this letter.

Being in a library is such a wonderful feeling. Just look at this heart of books, reminds me of mine and yours. 

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Love,
Nora