Monthly Archives: July 2016

Detox and Restoration

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Dear Nora,

How has detox July been going for you? How are you handling the aloneness?

I definitely relate to the missing people, missing events, missing … it all. That was the biggest drawback when I chose to move out to Portland. I knew only one person, a cousin, when I moved out the Portland. Everyone else that had filled my life was going to be 2,000 miles away and go on with their lives without me. Our situations are different in this regard though, because for me—I had always seen my dream future and life being out here, and I was doing it solely for me. I wanted it enough to believe it was worth transitioning every other relationship into a long distance one, in order to start and build the life I wanted in the place I felt I belonged. That sounds so selfish. But no one who loved me wanted anything less than that for me. So now, I only see my loves on short trips to the Midwest, and in the meantime, follow from a distance and send bits of love their way, welcome any visitors, and hint to everyone that they should move here.

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Some of the loves I got to see in the Midwest

Feelings don’t always have to “make sense”. I even write that begrudgingly, because I find it unsatisfying. But as my therapist reasoned with me—feelings are by nature not thoughts or logic. They can be associated with those things, but sometimes they just…exist. And demand to be felt. That’s how my anger with Elise is right now. Not logical. I have no “right” to be angry with her. We broke up mutually. She moved on. I don’t wish we were still dating. So why da fuq am I mad? The only reason I’ve been able to conjure up is: I am sad. I still am in love with her. I didn’t “want” to break up… but I knew we needed to. And also, I feel guilty for the pain I caused her, because I don’t think she “wanted” to break up either, even though we agreed it was for the best. All of these feelings are… less than happy… and I think seeing that she gets to just “be happy” with someone else and essentially forget about all of this feels like a punch in the gut. Thus, the anger. I don’t have her ability to move on so quickly, I am going to have to work through this a bit longer, and it just doesn’t feel fair she gets to jettison away, leaving me in a pool of shit feelings. That quote that you sent was a good reminder of that as well. Not everything is fair… live with it.

Taking space apart has been the best remedy so far though. We did run into each other about a week ago, and I definitely wasn’t prepared for it. My heart fell into my stomach when I saw her walk into the bar. She bee-lined to me and I could tell was happy to see me. We talked for a good bit, and I was either smiling just because, I love her, or crying because… feelings, and then eventually I had to just shut off the feelings altogether to get through the situation. She apologized for hurting me, and I apologized for hurting her. And we cried and hugged a bit (it’s not truly a lesbian bar until someone is hugging and crying). But I also told her I’m not ready at all yet. She kept asking when we could be friends. “Not yet, but I hope eventually”, was all I could offer. She said she’d wait as long as it took. It was mostly “good”, thank GOD her new gf wasn’t there I would have been mortified, but afterwards I still felt shitty and shaken up. She did make it a point to tell me how “over me” she was, and said “I wish you could just be happy for me, I would be happy for you”… but at least she acknowledged we are just… very different in the way we heal. She said I’m being mean and cold, and I explained I am just doing what I have to do to give myself space to heal. I’m not going to apologize for that, not talking and being stand-offish to her to take care of myself is a world apart from being cruel.

The theme of my July has been “restoration”. I feel like I’m restoring myself to things I had lost touch with that make me who I am.

I got to see important friends and family this month, and I’m working on building stronger friendships here in Portland. And then also, I got back in touch with my ex, I’ll call her Kay. The 6.5 year ex. We had spoken very little since I moved out here 1.5 years ago. I was dating Elise, she was dating someone too. We both moved on with our lives separately from one another. We proved to ourselves we are just fine apart, she was doing her hard work, I was doing mine. Recently mutual friends of ours started dating, and it’s opened up the channels of communication. She made a stop in Portland while doing a cross-country road trip, and we were able to spend some time together talking about how our lives have been since parting, ways we’ve grown and what we’ve learned. Nora, it was so good. It felt like I had my friend back, which was always the best part of our relationship anyway. All of my negative feelings towards her have resolved—I have no anger, resentment, jealousy, hurt… any of that. When I look at her now, I just see this person I love, who knows and loves me well. It feels like a pure kind of love, and everything I was hoping we would be able to regain. The romantic feelings are gone for me, I had to let go of those to heal, but I feel finally ready to have her back in my life, and she wants that more than anything. I could and would be fine without her, but it makes my heart happy to call her my friend, and I’m so proud of the ways she’s grown. I was explaining to my sister… if both of us are in a place where we’re ready to be friends, and it’s a positive thing, why wouldn’t we be? It’d be a sad waste to throw away a person with whom I have mutual love and respect and who knows me so well, and has seen me through the last 9 years of my life, just for some principle or grudge. She made mistakes and hurt me, but I’ve forgiven her… and she won’t hold my heart in that same way anymore.

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Kay & I

Anyway, that’s all of my reasoning. But ultimately, it just made me happy to see her and catch up. I’m glad she’s saved room in her life for me, and I can definitely make room in mine for her as well. All of this has just given me hope that I can and will get to this point with Elise too.

You said: “I am setting boundaries for myself on how I relate to people and what I am willing to put up with vs what is not negotiable.” That is my task at the moment as well.

First, with friends and others. And then going forward, in the context of a relationship. I’m getting better at saying no to things and not worrying about trying to please everyone. But it’s going to be a really good area for growth. I’ve started dabbling in a dating app, just dipping my toe into the pool. Seeking out only friends or friends-with-benefits situations, I think this is going to help exercise my boundary setting, as well as figuring out more of what I like or don’t like, and need. I’ve never really casually dated or “whored around” and I’ve always said it’s because I’m afraid I’ll get the feels. But then I also realized, I’ve only ever slept with people I already had feelings for, so of course I associate it with that. I think it could be good for me to get a little outside of my comfort zone, and to know my worth independently. It feels good to not have anyone have power over me, to own my own power. Anyway, I don’t know know where I’ll go with it, but I’ll keep you updated. I think it also will help challenge my negative assumptions and feelings about my body and help me feel empowered. We should talk more about that some time, I think I could easily write a whole letter on it. Luckily Portland is a very sex positive, body positive type of community.

I am mine. before I am anyone else’s*.
And I am preparing the space to allow myself the room to grow. *from a poem by Nayyirah Waheed

How about you, what does August hold for you my dear? Single and ready to mingle? I am so happy to have you as a friend.

Love, Ruth

P.S. I get to meet you in like a month! I’m so excited!
P.P.S. I am so sorry about the lack of Trigger Warning—totally fail on that, I was kicking myself. I will be more mindful of that in the future.

Learn to live with it

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Dear Ruth:

I have previously taken the personality test and my assessment was always INFJ “Advocate”, this time around I got INTJ “Architect”, so maybe I am evolving, like the pokemons people keep trying to catch on the streets.

I am happy you got to see your family and spend time with them. I have not seen mine in a few years and It’s pretty sad. How we miss someone else’s life. This is one of the reasons I am trying to move back east. I am tired of missing. Missing people, missing events, missing occasions. I am in so many long distance relationships. It is not worth it. Life is meant to be lived surrounded by loved ones. But I still got one more year in California, until next fall when I begin medical school

This week was a turmoil for me. First, I walked into this quote on facebook:

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Not everything has an explanation

Not everything has an answer

Not everything makes sense

Not everything is fair

Not everything is logic

Learn to live with it.

And I went into crisis. Like crying without pants, don’t walk the dog, hopeless, sobbing crisis.

I have been trying so hard to make sense of my time in California, to find meaning in a time in my life that seems to have set me back instead of forward, a downgrade rather than an upgrade. I have gone over my decision making process over and over, looking for the fault and I could not find it: moving to California was a good choice at the time. I did not know shit was gonna hit the fan, then it was gonna start oscillating and it was going to end up in short circuit with burned shit all over my life. I took a step, and it did not work out. It does not mean anything.

According to my therapist, we can assign meaning to things. It sounds rather arbitrary but is the approach I am taking. I have forgiven myself for coming here and the mistakes that followed and I am grateful for all the good things I have had in California that I could not have anywhere else.

When it comes to me dating Trace, Cory says “Sometimes you date trash and there’s nothing you can do about itt”. I don’t consider Trace to be trash but our situationship was pretty much garbage. I saw my dog today excited about me putting food in the trash because he gets to eat it. He thinks the garbage is a box of goodies. That is literally how it was with me and Trace: me being happy for the little pieces of shit they threw my way. They finally decided to drop off my things and I said thank you and we had a positive interaction. They still want friendship (or so they say, I don’t believe them. I think they are trying to give me a consolation prize which I don’t need. I fucking lost) and I still said no and they seem to understand my reasons.

I am working on forgiving myself for staying in that pitiful situation for so long in the hopes that one day my gestures would be reciprocated. What a stupid bitch.

Crisis averted successfully by therapist.

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The Only True Love

I also heard from Jayne this week and she’s still hurt by my cruel mean comments but willing to try again for a friendship. I am willing to try again too, in August. July has been a month of no sex, no dating, no drama, etc. A detox period. And I want to keep it as that. I am setting boundaries for myself on how I relate to people and what I am willing to put up with vs what is not negotiable. It is taking me a while to figure it out but I am embracing the process.

 

Dogs are forever too

Dogs are forever too

Just like you, it seems. I 100% encourage to get a cat because 30th birthday plus forever alone seems like the perfect combination Maybe I’ll teach you to knit and then you would officially be cat lady: the best title anyone can ever aspire for. Is there a way you can get your old cats back? I think you having cats and establishing that as your primary commitment would be great. I am 100% committed to Toby. Like if my landlord says get rid of dog or move, Toby and I would be sleeping in a big pile of cardboard boxes. Bitches go and bitches go. But cats, cats are forever.

I am reading Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed and girl have I cried. My favorite quote so far is “Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal.” I love her voice.

BUT BUT have you heard of Trigger Warning? This books has a lot of sex, and abuse and incest and I needed a trigger warning. In a bad day, this kind of in-your-face approach to abuse can send a survivor spiraling down. I have a history of sexual abuse and though there’s no way for you to have known that, always err on the side of caution and write Trigger Warning around materials like this

My favorite part of being alone is not shaving. WHO DA FUCK INVENTED SHAVING? My legs are going through a devolutionary period in which they return to their more primate ancestors. They are so prickly my friends don’t wanna sit next to me. This is how I feel about it:

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On Colombian poison: I TOLD YOU SO. My ex-gf started dating while we still lived together. I had to see her get all ready and stay home crying because I did not even have friends to go hang with. I do not think anyone can move on that fast. She waited only a month to make it official, what she wants? a fucking cookie? I really don’t see the point in dating that soon after a relationship and dragging poor innocent lesbians into your personal mess. Elise does not sound like she knows what she’s doing and since her actions and her words don’t match I am all for you taking space from her.  

Just keep in mind that her actions are not a comment on your person. Who you are and what you two had is completely independent from her current behavior. This is what I personally call the “whoring-out” post break up. I have done it at times. The sense of freedom that you can mess around is wonderful. It’s treating cancer with an analgesic but that’s her process. Let her have it. In the words of Neil Gaiman “Do your own time”.

I am so happy you met and Cory and AJ. I miss them terribly. I wish I was still traveling and seeing nature instead of adulting. You are more than welcome to visit Labor’s day weekend or whenever it strikes your fancy. Toby loves visitors and I would love to meet you and confirm that you are in fact a real human.

I must now go and type a statement for a gofundme page I am working on in order to afford my medical school applications. I’ll share when I am done.

I would like some updates about your forever-alone plan and if you are considering casual hook ups as a possible hobby. I need someone to live vicariously through.

Thank you for being a good friend,

Love 

Nora

Feeble attempts and forgiveness

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Dear Nora,

Well, my dear, you were right to chuckle at my feeble attempt and optimism at being friends with Elise. We were kind of still chatting, and seeing each other occasionally or in group settings. Or, you know, watching TV together and then hooking up that one time… So in other words, working hard at the transition to friendship. She danced around the boundaries I had set (boundary testing is her favorite pastime), and said things to me like “you are going to be one of my best friends, you’re different than all my other exes, you’re so special Ruth, I have to keep you in my life”.

And I really could tell she was trying for this time to be different. For example, she waited almost a whole month before she made it official with a new girl. Her norm is usually a week tops. She said I should consider myself fortunate she held off so long. Lucky me! You have to give her credit for efficiency.

She had okCupid dates lined up like job interviews for a position that needed to be filled immediately.

You may be able to tell from my bitter tone that I’m not handling it the best. But I am proud that I refrained for saying 99% of the things I wanted to say, and let her know I could not speak to her or see her for a while, and she agreed. And we left it at that. She didn’t do anything “wrong”, but it still felt like a slap in the face, especially when a week before she had told me she’s still in love with me and kept asking if there was any possibility we’d end up back together someday.

I’m pissed off and listening to angry songs and thinking mean thoughts and crying sporadically. I keep reminding myself of two things. 1) we all deal with pain differently, and for her maybe that’s just moving on really quickly, and 2) her moving on is about her doing what she needs to do, not about my value or worth and even what I meant or didn’t mean to her.

All that to say, go easy on Jayne, if you can. I have a feeling she just genuinely wanted to find a way to keep you in her life, and made her best attempt at that in spite of other feelings she was suppressing. We are all suckers for the sweet Colombian poison. Trust me, it’s a hard addiction to break. Maybe she’s not lost forever… she just needs some detox.

I think forgiveness is some of the best, and hardest work we have to do in our lives (especially towards ourselves). It is so goddamn beautiful and defies all of our basest instincts. I promise I’ll try not to quote Cheryl Strayed in every single letter… but I did laugh and nod at this one: “Forgiveness doesn’t just sit there like a pretty boy in a bar. Forgiveness is the old fat guy you have to haul up the hill.”

That’s a really interesting discussion of actions vs. intentions. That’s something I think a lot about. Elise usually didn’t give a shit about intentions, only actions. I, as a benefit-of-doubt type would say I usually take intentions into weighty consideration. But I think ultimately, I have to agree that our truest truths come out in the form of actions. The core of who we are will persist in the living of our lives. Yes, there will be aberrations, and those who know us well should take our intentions into account during those times. But generally speaking, who you are is what you do, not what you say.

<3

Love.

In the case of relationships, I think kind of the deal going into it is that people usually have hopes and good intentions, and sometimes they decide it’s not for them, and sometimes you decide it’s not for you, and neither is wrong or bad. I have been thinking about that a lot. I feel pretty at peace with our decision to break up, and confident now that Elise wasn’t meant for me, or I for her… so then why the hell didn’t I know that at the start of it? Because who I am now is a slightly different person with different knowledge and experiences and further understanding of myself than I was 16 months ago. I read a good quote from Dan Savage the other day about this: “dating is about figuring out who we are and what we want — and when it comes to dating a specific person, it’s also about figuring out whether this person is who and what we want. Early on, when we’re smitten, we sometimes fantasize about a future — we talk about the longterm and/or listen as the other person talks about the longterm — that isn’t destined to be. Being open to the possibility of a longterm relationship with someone, imagining a future with that person, etc., doesn’t obligate us to stay in the relationship eternally, and it doesn’t mean we lied or misled someone if the relationship should end. Fantasizing about a life together is not the same thing as committing to a life together.”

Totally changing subjects–I met Cory and AJ! They arrived this week and stayed at my place and I had so much fun grabbing dinner and drinks with them. I couldn’t stop smiling at the ridiculousness of this all. I confirmed with them that you are, in fact, a real person. So that was good. It’s a little tricky explaining to someone how I both feel like I know you pretty well, but also know very little about your actual day to day life. But I rode around in “Chad” your roadtrip car, and listened to the Rap Caviar playlist with them and made fun of Cory’s gigantically oversized suitcase. It was fun getting to hear them chat about the trip and you and Toby. Anyway, so that happened.

I fly out tonight, headed to the midwest to see lots of my family for my grandma’s 90th birthday party. All of my siblings will be there, my parents, cousins, aunts, uncles. It is so needed. My family for me is the place where I go to rest and reset. My original self. A place of unconditional love. I’ll just be there a very short time, it will be a small but potent dose of exactly what I need right now. I also get to see some of my good friends too while I’m there. And my cat Luscious!!!

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Purrington’s Cat Cafe in Portland

By the way, I also judge myself real hard also for giving up my cats for Elise. I can’t say, looking back, that I could have or would have done it differently. But, moving forward, the cat thing will from now on represent for me the importance of me keeping parts of myself that make me “me” and make me happy. Cats make me pretty fucking happy. I will definitely be getting one for my 30th birthday.

Nothing says “winning at life” like a single lesbian getting a cat for her 30th birthday, am I right?

I hope you find exactly what you need right now. Toby cuddles. Altars full of candles and incense. Puzzles and more puzzles. What are you favorite things about being alone? Also, can you take this personality test for me? I want to see what you get! I got ISFJ (“The Defender”) and it was spot-on. We can talk about our results more if you take it.

Love, Ruth

P.S. I’m looking at possibly coming to LA around labor day weekend? Just sayin’…
P.P.S. Your wish list of kids books brought back a lot of good childhood reading memories. I sent some your way, I hope others do too! What a great idea!

The loss of it all

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Dear Nora,

Reading your letter tonight made me laugh and cry. Thank you for writing me, your words did my heart good. I will have a proper response for you soon. But in the meantime, I’m sharing a poem with you. I make zero claims of being a poet, but sometimes this is just how words present themselves to me and I like writing them down.

It’s ok to feel
Everything that demands to be felt.
breathe deeply
the loss
the loss of it all

of her.
of them.

My loves.
the arms of someone who loved me
nuzzling into the neck
of a girl who makes me laugh

it’s ok to hurt
this pain is a good,
pure thing.

it pools in the imprint of love.
big, beautiful impressions of love.

my heart still works!
it expands
it contracts,
and squeezes out every last tear

so that it can be filled up again.

But god
how the wringing of it hurts.

It hurts to have an empty hand.
it hurts to have my dear one,
that little loved person,
be here one day, and then gone

and holding someone else’s hand.

there is grieving when I think of what’s been lost
anger at the universe
for the jokes it plays on me,
the tide sweeping my treasures back to the sea

fear.
oh great, huge fear.
still and stoic as the vast night sky,
the deafening silence of the unknown.

and filled with stars of possibility

seemingly wonderful and at the same moment
terrifying in its immeasurability
each pinpoint of light in the dark
both potential joy and disappointment.

If fear and hope are two sides of the same coin
then we can’t spend either without the other.
so I release hope,
and with it, fear.
and hold nothing but the present as my own.

Be still, my soul.
In the pain of it.
In the present of it.

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Love, Ruth

The Value of Intentions

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Dear Ruth:

Heads up: this will be long. There will be lots of pictures.

I am so glad to hear we had the same Fourth of July. I fell asleep early to the sound of fireworks. But during the day I biked and read in the park with the baby. Pretty low key. Copy of 20160704_150028

I am also happy to hear about your smudging ritual. Little witch tip: Sage does not only take away negative energies. It erases everything. Your house is now a blank slate to be replaced with the energy of your choosing. So choose wisely. Light candles (mind the colors) and burn incense after. Here’s a pic of how crazy I go when I go to the magick store. And my altar, which is popping!

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I have a lot of mental stirring going on. I feel like this year has been a hurricane and I am left with the aftermath and the clean up. In chronological order: need to change jobs, my roommate threatened to evict me, broke up with Jayne (but stayed friends), put a friend in the hospital for being suicidal, had to find a new roommate, realized Trace was not for me, broke up with Trace (those were two different events about a month apart), return to volunteering (where Trace works, we dont ever interact though but it was a hard decision to make), went on road trip, saw Cory, Jayne decided she is too in love with me to be friends, I curse out Jayne for being a bad friend, Cory leaves, I am alone. No trace, no Jayne, no Cory. Just me and Toby. Per usual.

My days have been full of thoughts. I just play with my puzzles and contemplate loneliness and how familiar it feels.

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DurinCopy of 20160703_163949g the trip, I had a conversation with Cory about how much someone’s intentions (vs execution) are worth.  I have always been of the idea that actions speak louder than words and what you did and what you meant to do are two completely separate things. This is changing for me. There’s a song by Alejandro Sanz that says “Reclamame nuestra ilusión, exigeme el valor que tiene la intención” Basically, the hopes and the illusions you build with yourself and someone else have a certain value, what you sought to accomplish in any relationship is worth something (even if little), regardless how disastrous the execution.

I mentioned last time that I am working on forgiving myself and forgiving others. Here’s where this process has taken me: to acknowledge my intentions honestly and to accept the intentions of others as true. It sucks though, so hard. Especially from this place of loneliness where I am sitting right now. I have to accept that my ex wanted to grow professionally, she did not mean to abandon me. But she did. I am yet to forgive her for it TWO YEARS LATER I resent her. It has to end. I have to accept Trace wanted company, they deserved a chance to try, they did not want to hurt me.

Given a choice they would choose to fall in love with me because  :::flips hair:: I am so wonderful. But they are damaged and my magic is not for the faint of heart. I have to forgive their feeble attempt at loving me.

Jayne wanted to be friends with me, but it hurts her and now I feel betrayed and lied to because I really did think she saw me as a friend. But she did not mean to lie to me. She just could not do it. I have to forgive her, and let her go. But I miss Jayne the most. I miss her every day. I had this secret fantasy that we were going to be really close friends and then in a year or so when we are ready, get back together and live happily ever after. NOPE. She left.

Forgiving others and accepting their intentions as pure, takes me to forgive myself and accept my own. That I want to have partners, that I understand now why people get married and stay in less than ideal relationships: Being alone sucks. That I am too demanding for my own good, unwilling to compromise, unable to settle. I need to forgive myself for letting people go, for sometimes being the one that leaves, the one that ends it. For pouring my heart into the ones I love and not keeping anything to myself. For having poor boundaries.

And this takes me to you: BOUNDARIES. Let me say that again:

B-O-U-N-D-A-R-I-E-S

You my dear Ruth, are a Mrs. Softee. It was so refreshing to read your last letter and to know that people like you still exist. You are a specie in danger of extinction. And it is not martyrdom or Ghandiness. You sincerely get pleasure from building others up. If It is really easy for a self-centered bitch like myself to get lost in relationships, I can only imagine how natural it must feel to your softee ass to just live in function of another. BUT You cannot become a sum of someone else’s wants. I low-key judged you real hard when you gave away your cat for Elise. (WTF bro.. Real cat > pussy).

Your gifts, your light you MUST let it shine. Just make sure you are still the one that is carrying it. If you simply hand your light to someone else, they will walk away with the torch and you will be left in the dark. In order to make the best of your light you have to be the one to hold it, your loved ones must stand near you to be warmed and guided by it. This is your fire to share with others not give away. This is what I mean by boundaries: you get to embrace yourself as the giver, developer, promoter, compassionate, lover that you are while making sure you develop, promote, empathize with and love yourself first.

Fuck apologizing to people for needing alone time and writing long ass letters. Try replacing “Sorry” for “Thank you” and you will see how there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Instead of “Sorry I dont want to go out” use “thank you for giving me space” There’s a more positive connotation while promoting yourself and showing the other person appreciation.

Friends with Elise? Haha good luck with that. I am a little mad at her for putting you down for being such a giver. I am sure she was not complaining when you were giving things up for her. I have said before and I will say it again: DO NOT DATE COLOMBIAN WOMEN. We are an addictive sweet poison.

~END UNSOLICITED ADVICE~

About Cory: Ugh I love her. But I did not say I found her condescending. I found calling her Blondie condescending so I switched to Cory (re-read). Here is the story in a nutshell: I met her while in an open relationship with my ex. We had a summer thing, or what was meant to be a summer thing. Then I moved to Cali and tried to go on with my life, while she (who was 19 at the time) tried to go on with hers. Did not work. I was her first girl and the coming out process was too hard for her to deal with alone. Then we realized we were in love but I was in California in a relationship. Everything went to hell. We have gone through periods of talking daily and months of not talking. But every time we are near each other, every given opportunity, we meet up.

I have been miserable about this bond over and over because it seems so impossible due to the distance. But she has always been hopeful that I will go back east and we could be together. I do not think I have ever seen anyone been so sincerely in love with me. I have tried to let this go, to let it die, to let it wither. Nothing. Still alive as ever.

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Trust me Ruth, I understand you. I am one damaged cynical motherfucker but I understand this dream of yours of having Prince Charming come on her white horse and sweep you off your feet. I understand your need to believe that she’s out there, searching for you while you are in Portland, waiting for her. I want that too.

But not now. This is the time for us to learn boundaries, to take care of ourselves, our dreams, our bodies. To re-evaluate our needs and desires, to get ready for the big 30 and welcome the next decade as WOMEN. Girlhood is over, youth is wasted on the young.

I love you and I hope you are having a great summer.

Love,

Nora

PS. I am doing a book drive for the kids in my block. They are children of Hispanic immigrants who cannot afford camp and their parents work too much for them to be taken to the library. Do you know anyone who would want to donate books grades 1-8? I also have an amazon wishlist, where you can purchase the and send them my way. Really hoping someone gets Wimpy kid because they really really want those.

Independence Day

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Dear Nora,

I’m here, I’m here! I’ve been too busy for my own good. I need to stop doing that. The past month has been filled with visitors and Pride stuff and re-doing my apartment and talks with friends and extra work stuff and spending time outside in the lovely Portland summer. But I am here.

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Left: Representing the choir in the parade, riding “bitch” on the back of my friend’s bike!; Right: My made-over room, complete with my handmade “headboard” and origami lights; Bottom: Vigil for the Orlando shooting victims

I am super jealous of your awesome roadtrip! We live on such a beautiful planet, I loved seeing your pics. I have kind of a joke with friends that when I’m overwhelmed by the natural beauty of a place I get almost angry. Not actually angry, but just… I almost can’t stand it. I want to capture it, and keep it, and bask in it. But there it stays, and all I can do is admire it and scream about how pretty it is and take pathetic iPhone pics and move along with my life. Needless to say, it’s been a problem ever since moving to the PNW. I enjoyed some outdoors while camping this weekend.

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Oregon <3

I’m so, so glad you took that time (and money) for yourself. You deserve it! (Also, you deserve new manipulation-free heels… I found some online coupons for you.) Can I just say how proud I am of you for creating the space you need from Trace? Games with feelings suck ass. It seems like you’re doing a really good job of being deliberate about taking care of yourself. Going to therapy, thinking through the “whys” of everything that happened, and setting intentions for yourself, and surrounding yourself with good friends.

I want to hear more about Cory. In your previous letter you mentioned you find her condescending. That was pre-roadtrip/visit together and I’m curious if she still seems that way after spending more in-person time together? Also, it makes me really happy to hear that it’s a connection not based on anything you “offer”, but simply you just being you, and her recognizing your worth. Yay for mutual feelings!! Do you think it might go anywhere? Do you want it to? Also how can you stand being in love with someone and not be completely consumed by it? Teach me how.

Today is independence day, and I am celebrating it this evening by myself, in my apartment with the windows open and candles glowing. And instead of fireworks, I burned some sage and “smudged” my space to clear out negative energy. I don’t know what I believe about that stuff, but if nothing else, the ritual brought me comfort and it felt cleansing… so there’s that.

I’ve reach two conclusions over the past month: I’ve decided it’s about goddamn time for me to stop wishing that I was something I’m not, and I NEED to stop apologizing for who I am and what I need.

You were so very right in your assessment—that I am a hopeless romantic always seeking The One, in love with love. Optimistic, devoted, forgiving. Sometimes I am kind of ashamed of it. I wanted to try to deny that, to defend the parts of me that are “realistic” and “logical”. I want to act as though I don’t want the things that I really want, and convince the world that I’m not just some silly, naïve girl looking for “princess charming”. Elise said as much, that she’s dated more than me, that she has “seen what’s out there”, and that at some point you just find a pretty good fit and the rest is just hard work.

I know she’s probably right. I know everyone is probably right and I am foolish and dreaming of fairytales and what I seek isn’t real life. But none of that stops me from wanting it. And I’m not ready to give up on the hope that it exists for me.

I’ve come to realize in dating, we are all completely sucked in by different aspects of a relationship. For Elise, it was that initial connection and spark. For my sister, it’s the intellectual attraction of two minds. For another friend, it’s an intense physical chemistry. For another, it’s the mystery and intrigue of discovering all of another person. For me? I really do love being in love. I love absolutely adoring someone else, and having them feel that completely, and feeling loved and adored in return. That is my crack. And while I’m sure there’s some perfectly reasonable scientific explanation for these feelings, to me it feels like nothing short of a miracle.

There was a fog that lifted, when we ended things. And I had an actual moment where suddenly I could see myself, feel myself, and inhabit my body once again and I laughed out loud and said “oh, HERE I am.. I love this person!” I then proceeded to give myself a good talkin-to about how great I am and how much I love me. I had been so tangled up in anxiety and trying “make it work” and thinking what I could do to please her, that I lost sight of myself in the relationship. This is something I will be tackling with my therapist (did I tell you I am going to therapy, too?) I am quick to give up things for people I love, especially for the woman I fall in love with. Way too readily I give up both large and small things (ranging from food choices, to pets/kid/marriage prospects, from TV shows to daily schedules to place where we live), and make concessions for just about all of it to the point where I become just a sum of their wants. Elise called it martyrdom. But it’s not from a place of trying to make a show of giving stuff up. It’s just… it’s just how I am. I don’t think of it as a weakness, but rather, I think these “faults” are products of my strengths, I just need to learn to wield them in a way that’s healthier for me… in a way that doesn’t cause me to drown out myself.

Recently for work, as a team-building exercise we took these personality tests called strengths finder, and my top categories were Empathy (feel what others are feeling), Relator (develop deep and genuine relationships), Harmony (bring others together), Developer (see potential in others), Maximizer (encourage talents and strengths in order for others to ‘be their best’). While many people in my team had strengths like learning, achieving, deliberating, analyzing, communicating, ideation, thinking futuristically or strategically…etc., all of my traits just had more to do with relationship building than anything else, and building others and myself, up.

That is who I am. I am someone who believes in others, and myself, cares about and relates to them, and wants to all work together in peace and harmony towards our best individual potentials. It’s some hippy dippy shit and I fucking love it.

Elise used to refer to me as “Gandhi” or “Mother Teresa” or sometimes “Jesus”. She would jokingly ask me to show her my scar-free hands, just to confirm that I’m not the Messiah. Of course she meant it all as a joke. But it was honestly an issue in my last relationship as well. I hear things like “you’re too good for me” and groan. This sort of pedestal has been something I’ve experienced my whole life. Ruth. My name literally means compassion. It sounds like a good thing… and while it does have some perks, no one wants to be seen as a saint. Saints are boring and not fun at all. They are “holier-than-thou” and goodie two-shoes. And I am none of those things. I am fun and sarcastic and nonjudgmental and I can be a moody asshole and I am better than no one. But I am kind. I am concerned for others. I am giving, to a fault. I feel what others are feeling and I am moved by it. I don’t know how to be any other way. I think you can be all those things.

Those are my gifts. This is my light. I can either love it and shine it as it is, or be ashamed and try to hide it. I can either spend my life wishing I was a different way than I am, or I can embrace it. And fill my life with people who love and value these things about me.

Tonight I had a couple of invites to join in on 4th of July festivities. I was tired from camping and being around people a lot, and all I wanted was to stay home, take a bath, write you a letter and smudge my apartment. I took some grief for telling people I just wanted alone time tonight. My first instinct was to apologize for wanting alone time. I feared they’d think I was lame and they wouldn’t understand, and that they’d stop inviting me to things or feel sorry for me. Some of those things may have crossed their minds. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. I didn’t apologize, because I shouldn’t have to apologize for taking care of my own needs and doing what I like. I shouldn’t have to explain it. And if someone doesn’t “get it” or accept me, then they probably aren’t worth my time and aren’t a friend I really need.

I need to stop apologizing for who I am. I am an introvert, I need alone time. I am kind, and I like that about myself. It doesn’t mean I’m a goddamn saint. I believe in the love of soulmates, living life side-by-side, and I still hope to find it. I am a good thing. I have a lot of love to give. I see the best. I am what I am what I am.

I am energized being alone, and am venturing into the forever alone chapter with a desire to love and take care of myself better. And to make the most of this time, undistracted by couplehood. So that someday IF that person comes along, I’ll know better how to balance my needs with theirs, and no more of this “losing myself” bullshit. I turn 30 in November, and my intention is to not seek out anything serious for the remaining months of my 20s at the very least. I feel the most myself when I’m alone, it makes my soul stir. And based on previous experience, I don’t know how to be anything but serious when it comes to love interests… so perhaps that will necessitate no dating at all. Right now that feels completely doable… but doesn’t it always, until you meet someone who you “can’t live without”? I would be pretty content right now “whoring out” as you called it, but I seem to suck at that because I get a whole mess of feelings when I connect physically with someone.

Updates next time on project “fall out of love” and the effort to transition from dating to friends with Elise. Also, miniature elephant sanctuary.

Love, Ruth

P.S. This is the longest letter ever. I think we can count it as two.
P.P.S. I was about to apologize for all of my rants about refusing to apologize for who I am in this letter. But I’m not going to.
P.P.P.S. YES! Cory and AJ can stay with me! I agree that would be so epic. My place isn’t big but I think we could make it work. When?? Send me details via email.

Road Trip and Summer Dreams…

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Dear Ruth

How are you? And more importantly, where are you? I get mad trust issues when you disappear off the face of the earth.  I need to know that you are okay and that your post-break up self is not doing anything self destructive.

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Lake Powell, AZ

 

I went on a road trip from Denver, CO to Las Vegas, NV with stops in several national parks and it was AMAZING. I was so appalled by nature.

 

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AJ at Black Canyon, CO

 

I went with Cory and two friends AJ and D$$. I had never done so much physical activity and they were really encouraging for me to push myself. I can say I like hiking now, although I saw death pretty close in The Grand Canyon. 

 

During the trip, I had to step out and cry one night. I had this horrible guilt about being on vacation because of money. I am in a lot of debt and my income keeps me comfortable but not in a place in which I can afford to NOT be thrifty. Which I am, I rarely pay full price for anything. But a vacation? I know I deserve it and I really really wanted it, but I am an immigrant after all and the WORK, WORK, WORK mentality has me.

After the trip, Cory, AJ and D$$ are staying with me for a week. It has been crazy to have three extra people in my house but I am very happy to be able to share my LA experience with some of my NYC friends. We hiked to the Hollywood sign, rode bikes by the LA river, went to the beach, went to Shakespeare in the park. It has been great.

This is the first time Cory and I get two entire weeks of being together. TWO WEEKS!!!! This is a long time for two people who have gotten a day or two at a time, sometimes only a few hours 4-6 months apart. I met her right before I left New York and most of our history has been long distance. This is the person I was talking to while with my ex. I am in love with her, two years later and never having properly dated her. It is a problem. The silver lining: it’s mutual.

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Cory and I, HorseShoe Bend, AZ

They leave tomorrow and I know I must prepare to set back into a reality in which I am alone and need to stay that way. I started therapy and one of my goals is to remain focused on me and fulfill my own need for attention instead of recurring to dating every time out of boredom or loneliness. The truth is, I don’t really want to be in a relationship. Especially since I am applying to Medical School and don’t know where I will be in the fall of 2017. I want this last year out of school to be for me and about me. I need healing, I need recovery. I need to forgive myself for allowing people to hurt me, for trusting the wrong ones with my heart. I need to forgive others too. But I cannot do it alone. I need the structure and support from a professional to make this happen. 

I thought about Trace during the trip. I was trying to make sense of why I fell out of love as hard and as quickly as I did. I needed to know what they meant to me, what they represented in my life. Only thing I could come up with is that they are my pattern. I remember you asking me if I felt like anyone was permanent and the answer was no. I think I am looking for a family. I subconsciously go for people who are somehow alone or in need (I do this with friendships too) and I try to make myself so indispensable that they would never leave me. This, of course, fails every time. They leave or I leave. It’s not sustainable and it’s not healthy.

I arrived at this conclusion because I have lots of insecurities with Cory since she’s younger, pretty, privileged, etc and I do not feel like there’s anything she needs that I can give her. However, she chooses me again and again.

She WANTS me. What a fucking concept.

It’s been such a process, I blocked Trace from my phone. They were playing this game in which they text me whenever they feel like it and equally ignore me, so I think they can text the air forever since I won’t get their texts anymore. I asked them to mail my clothes (and this beautiful heels I left in their house) and they insisted in dropping them off (so they can see me) and I just feel like it was gonna be a manipulation situation that I don’t need to be involved in. I blocked them and I don’t think I’ll hear from them again unless they get really creative with the stalking, which I doubt. I can go to payless and get my nude heels again, that’s what coupons are for.

I think I am in a good place but I have SO MUCH WORK TO DO. In myself, for myself, by myself. I must be my own family, my own partner, my own lover.

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Being active is part of caring for myself and my health, Toby is loving it.

I must learn to motivate myself and enjoy my company. I must take better care of my body. I must take better care of my finances and I need to get into medical school.

The summer marks the beginning of a new year for me, since I came to America in June, I start counting in June. This year I am going to focus on growing spiritually and emotionally. It’s the last year in my 20s and I am going to make it count.

What are you up to? Can you please update me before I go bananas on social media and stalk the hell out of you?

Thank you for listening to my constant rants. Having you and this space keeps me accountable.

Love,

Nora

P.S. AJ and Cory are going to continue their road trip up the west coast and may stop in Portland. Is there a chance you can host them for a night or two? How epic would that be?