Tag Archives: stress

I don’t always procrastinate, but when I do I write to you

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Dear Ruth, 

 

 

I am answering my last letter since you seem to be too busy lesbianing to write to me…but that’s fine because it makes me realize how much I miss you and forces me to write to you. I had fun in my trip to Woodstock, NY.  Small town vibes, I dig it. 

 

 

First of all, I will have you know. that I am using this blog as coping mechanism/procrastination tool because I cannot study. This weekend has been a lot of wasted time because depression and anxiety are having a party in my brain. I am fighting it as best I can but I had a really rough week that felt like a hurricane and now I am picking up the pieces. 

I had three exams. I did not do well. I also did not fail, but I am disappointed because I put in SO MUCH WORK. This program is breaking me in ways that I did not expect and that has made me doubt the legitimacy of my goals. I often ask myself how badly I need to be a doctor and why. This is extremely hard and if I do not succeed in this program, that probably means I don’t have the academic stamina to be a doctor and that idea scares. I am sure I can find something else to do with my life, but I have such a fear of failure. 

I realized last night as I lay in the dark, unable to sleep, running on anxiety that I am trying to overachieve because I want to make my pain count. I want to do something so big that it makes up for the amounts of loneliness and suffering I have experienced. I left my family really early in life and I have missed out so much of the human experience that I want to make up for it with a career. This wound never heals and nothing I do or stop doing makes the loneliness better. 

Medicine is not a career you can do for the wrong reasons. So this is my tester. I need to divorce my emotional shortcomings from my career plans and approach them separately and directly. I do not know why it took me so long to realize this but better late than never. 

I have 4 exams coming up together and I am behind in material because I have mostly watched Netflix and cried. (The Gaga movie had me bawling). Also, I miss Toby a lot. 

As you can conclude from my rant above, your care package came in SO HANDY. I have actually made the tea into Ice Tea and it is the bomb. The light catcher is on my window and it’s the best thing to look at in the morning when I don’t want to get out of bed. You are the bestest and I am so lucky to have you.  

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let me give you a short update on the Queer Philly: I am starting to like it. I decided to give that queer couple who stood me up a second chance and they have made the best of it. Their names are L & M. M is supper femme and L is gender-queer. They have given me a lot of attention and I am enjoying dating them a lot. I am getting a little scared because, naturally, I am starting to develop feelings for them. It’s such a strange experience to have these emotions grow simultaneously for two people. I almost do not know what to do. 

I am being careful, however. I am keeping taps on my heart and making sure I go slow. I am open to falling in love if and only if the other person expresses that they want that also.

I am not going there alone again. HELLS TO THE NO. 

Being 30 makes me feel really empowered. I no longer feel like I am figuring it out, I now know things. I trust myself so much more and regardless what depression and anxiety have to say, I am genuinely happy where I am in live. I built this whole new life in a whole new city by myself and for myself, in a matter of months.The only thing I really wish I could change was Toby leaving, but that is not anyone’s fault. 

I want to hear all about you. I want to hear about Jessie and being in love again, at this age, with this person. I was reading some love quotes, and I wanted to gift you this one: 

TELL ME EVERYTHING

I love you dearly

Nora 

Poly dates and other tales

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Dear Ruth:

I am very proud of you for investing so much of yourself towards dating. It can be exhausting and disappointing to be honest, but it seems like you are having all the fun. I think different people have different views about what “the point” of dating is. Some think it is the means to an end, the way to find a partner to eventually settle with. Some people do it for the company, or the sex, or the attention (me, me, all of the above). Some people do it out of habit. And honestly, it does not matter. If dating is doing for you what you want it to be doing, if it’s fulfilling its purpose: enjoy it!

I am always jealous of all the camping and nature pictures that you post. I wish I could travel more often and/or camp. I just wanna be among nature, it is so calming.

Sunday dinner with my roommate

Sunday dinner with my roommate

In the romantic department I have updates: celibacy over 🙂  I decided to try this new website for open relationships and met a girl who I’ll call Princess. She is really cute BUT she’s not very experienced with women, which makes me sad because I don’t like being with lesbian virgins. The sex sucks and they still have to go through their whole coming out process. Ugh I already had mine, can I please get a break?

That same week, I went on a hiking date with a guy named Key, and it turns out Key and Princess had met the day before. Basically, we all met each other the same week on separate dates. So we planned to have a three people date and went to have Korean BBQ (which by the was was epic). I’ve seen them a few times only, but I really like the dynamic. And the sex, the sex is great. The two of them spend more time with each other than they do with me, and although this bothered me for a split second, it also makes me extremely happy because it lowers the expectations of HAVING to see someone every so often. I need something low key and casual. I want outings, adventures, attention, sex. But I also need to keep my head in the game of getting into medical school and making friends.

Going out with the dog NOT being social

Going out with the dog NOT being social

As of today, I have not attended any meet-ups like I said I was going to. I have been dealing with lots of other people’s drama and some work stuff. Now that the drama has winded down, I need to start prioritizing my process AGAIN. This is the cycle I find myself in. I am focused and centered: knitting, reading, doing my rituals, working out. Then something happens, drama, stress, sex, anything and I get distracted. I take my eyes off the process and engage with people, neglecting myself until I start to feel miserable and realize it’s because I have not had ME time. Balance It’s hard. Balance does not come naturally to me.

 

My current main stressor is the medical school application process. I have submitted 11 secondary applications as of today, I am waiting for some schools to send theirs as I am debating if I want to add more primary applications NOW or LATER. I don’t know if I am being inpatient or if I am being unwise. Usually applying early is better, but I have applied to schools that I REALLY REALLY want to go too. Any schools left on my list are places I am able/willing to attend, but not particularly excited about. Most of it has to do with LOCATION. I wanna be near NYC. I dont want to be in the city but  within drive-able distance, anywhere I can go visit the city for a random weekend and return home on a Monday for classes would be ideal.

What I need to do right now is chill. I need to relax and go on walks and runs and if by the end of September I have not had any interview invitations, then add more schools to my repertoire. The problem is that I suck at patience. I SUCK AT BEING PATIENT. OMG I cannot even wait for the microwave to beep. It’s fucking horrible. And there’s a few factors, besides my personal flaws, that make it hard to wait.

  1. I am ready to leave california. I stayed here for reasons that I could not control. I basically got stuck here and as grateful as I am for the opportunity to experience the Pacific South, I just have not found a single thing or a single person that anchors me enough. I want to go.
  2. I miss Cory. I want to see her and an interview for a school in the east coast means I get to see her. An acceptance in a school in the east coast means I get to date her. She has told me not to worry about her and to apply everywhere and focus on increasing my chances for admission. But, I want to be with her. I need to be with her. It’s not up to me though, again it’s up to medical school admission committees.
  3. I am old. I am reapplying, I tried this once and failed. I corrected a few mistakes I made last time I applied (applying early, more letters of recommendation, added research to my CV, etc) but the fact that I have been waiting to get into medical school since 2014 means my total wait will be 3 years. And 3 years is a lot.
  4. My friends are in medical school. I really wish I could be experiencing this with them, but for circumstances out of my reach I had to wait until this year to reapply. I am jealous about it, I am sad. I wanna start my education.

As you can probs tell, I have been stressing over this. I stare at my phone hoping for an email. And  I need to chill.

On a positive note, I am so extremely happy and grateful for my friends during this period though. they have managed to remove the biggest stressor of this all: money. The application is so competitive and expensive, that I did not have the resources to do it and thanks to crowd funding I am actually able to afford it. I can see people believe in me, so much that they would give me their money. Every time someone donates I want to cry of happiness. Just think about someone who has not had parental support of anyone give her anything through all of adulthood. Support feels great.

Luckily, you are going to be here this weekend and we are going to get to do all the things. I am hoping we can go to the beach, and hiking, and to West Hollywood to see the gayz in their natural habitat. I am also dog-sitting this weekend so I will have a canine visitor as well as a human visitor (you).

Thank you for writing to me and please dont let so much time pass. I need yo know about all these Portland lesbians I am missing out on.

Cannot wait to see your face (fuck patience)

Love,

Nora