Category Archives: From Ruth to Nora

I don’t always neglect writing, but when I do it’s for 4.5 months

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Dearest Nora,

I could start with profuse apologies for not writing for so many months… but instead of that, let me just say: I miss you and I hope you’re doing so well in Philly and I can’t wait to hear another update from you! Life has swept me up in a giant wave of wonder this year. Instead of stopping to observe and write about it I have just been experiencing it.

I’ve had something of a writers block. Or rather, with things happening so quickly, every time I’ve sat down to write you I get overwhelmed trying to catch you up on everything that’s happened and I have trouble putting it into words and I give up.

So here I am, finally writing you. And I’m not going to go into a chronology of everything that’s happened since August. The long and short of it is: I fell head over heals in a way I didn’t know was possible.

The love of my life strolled in and stepped into that role as though she were born for it, and life will never be the same now.

Before we moved in together during October, my heart had already set up home with hers. I know in terms of time it is early still. But by other units of measurement, we have known each other for much, much longer. My heart is at home. All the parts are aligned. In a little over a week, I am taking her to the Midwest with me to meet all my dear ones. Words cannot contain my excitement to have my worlds collide.

Gift I made her to commemorate how we met

In lieu of a detailed updates, here are some snapshots of life right now:

A day in the life: Ruth, Jessie and Magpie  Snugglin in bed as we press snooze multiple times and Magpie parades around our heads demanding breakfast, and then begins attacking our feet. One of us gets up to feed her and she sprints to the kitchen in excitement. Morning routine of packing lunches, taking showers and most importantly, make coffee.

Jessie really upped the coffee game in my life and the coffee she makes is so damn good that I only drink it black now.

Out the door to our quick commute to downtown Portland, as we’re leaving Magpie is getting settled in her shark bed to snooze for the day. General job craziness ensues and then evenings are filled with side jobs, other activities like choir, friend hangs or cooking dinner and unwinding. Sharing all our stories from the day and venting or laughing about the disaster and joy that is the world we live in. The day ends with me taking a hot bath & reading, or us cuddling on the couch watching Netflix or working side by side on our laptops, usually with tea or a whiskey, Magpie sitting on top of us bundled under a blanket, or bringing us a toy that she wants to play with. And then bed, falling to sleep with “I love you’s” in my ear, and her kisses on my lips, Magpie curled up at our feet and the sleeptimer set on the TV as we drift off to a favorite show (currently: Castle). My heart is filled to overflowing.

hella bonding

We drive each other just the right amount of crazy. She makes me laugh, she gives me butterflies, and I’m daily in awe of the woman she is–full of passion, empathy, love and stinkerness. She listens to me and shares with me and treats me like a queen. She has no doubts, and I have no doubts. We both know what we’ve found. We are not without challenges and disagreements, but we are committed to the process of building this together.

I recently read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson (highly recommend–it’s a quick and inspiring read). “There are only so many things we can give a fuck about so we need to figure out which ones really matter,” is the overall premise. As I finish out my year of “mindfulness” this direction of thinking has been extremely helpful to me. I am someone who gives a fuck about way too many things and too many people. I feel like I need to help everyone, and be everyone’s friend, and take responsibility for all the things… I always thought that giving so many fucks somehow made me a better person, but the reality is: it meant there was a lot of stuff taking up my time and energy that wasn’t necessarily the things that matter most to me, or the things that build me up, or help me grow, or feel fulfilled. Life is so quickly passing by, and as I embark into my 30s, I am digging into what I give fucks about, and why.

I am saying “no” more. I am giving less of myself away. I am doing more soul searching when it comes to relationships in my life. I am doing my best to not do things out of obligation or pity, but out of only sincere fuck-giving.

Doing things that I don’t want to do, but because I “feel bad” doesn’t make me a good person, it makes me a disingenuous person.

Jessie is a self-described “people pleaser in recovery” and this has been both our biggest challenge and best challenge to work on alongside each other. We share similar tendencies in this area and it has resulted in both of us being taken advantage of for much of our lives. I say that, not as a “victim”, because, after all, we teach people how to treat us.

I say it as someone who is finally taking responsibility for this–I am owning my choice in life, of what I am going to give a fuck about.

Together, Jessie and I (and Magpie) compiled a list of the things we want our days and weeks and months to be filled with. Slowly, but resolutely, I want to work on filling my time with and using my energy for these things. I’m sure I will share updates on this!

One of those things for me is writing. I love writing. Even if nothing ever comes of it. Even if I’m complete crap by someone’s unit of measure. Even if I have nothing new to say, and no great way to say it. I have been filling my time with other crap in an effort to avoid having to try, and quite possibly fail, at a genuine writing effort.

Another book I’ve been reading is The Chronology of Water, a memoir by Lidia Yuknavitch (*all the trigger warnings for this one*). I heard Lidia speak at two different events this fall, and she moved me deeply. She’s a writer who lives in Portland, OR. Her process and love affair with writing and literature spoke to something in me. For my birthday this year, Jessie enrolled me in a writing workshop Lidia teaches. I will be taking it this spring and I am absolutely terrified. But terrified in the way you are when you know you need to do something that’s going to challenge and scare you.

So much more to come. In spite of my lack of writing recently, I hope you still know that our friendship is definitely one I give a fuck about.

Please send updates on how your heart is, and about you hamster friend, and your community in Philly and how school is going… and your exploration into career plans. And all the things! I hope your holiday season is filled with loves and pretty snow and warm moments.

I love you, my friend.

Ruth

Carry freedom in your heart, carry justice as a goal, carry love in every fabric of the fiber of your soul.  –”Freedom” by Tret Fure, a song I’m singing with choir ♥

Big Love

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Holy shit Nora,

I am so sorry for what you are going through with Toby. I wish he could talk to you too. But I know he’d just say “Nora, you’ve taken such good care of me and I love you so much”. It is breaking my heart that this decision is falling on you. I hope for your sake he passes on his own. I don’t think it’s selfish for you to want that at all. Someone making that decision for someone they love so much is such a fucked up thing to have to do, but I know it is unavoidable sometimes. Is there someone who can be there with you if it comes to that? I don’t want you to do this on your own! Call a friend from New York and have them hop on a train. Get some support there, stat. I mean it.

Your story of the bird was beautiful and sad, but I’m glad you received that message from the universe. It’s ok for you to not know what to do here. It’s ok for you to not be able to pull the plug. It’s ok for you to not be ready to let go.

There is no right and wrong here. Sometimes there’s just an unfair and sucky situation. You love the shit out of that little dog, and any way you choose to handle this ending is right.

Have every ounce of compassion for yourself you can muster. Toby wants that for you. He knows how much you love him, no matter what. This is NOT an easy one to let go of, temporary as all things are. I know you accept that things can’t be forever, but that doesn’t mean you have to be ok with it. That doesn’t make it not hurt like hell.

It feels kind of dumb talking about my intergalactic rainbows when you’re going through this. Even though my head is in the clouds right now, I’m still here Nora! Seriously reach out if you need someone to talk to going through this. Or text me. Or email. Just don’t do this alone. I know you CAN do it alone. But you don’t need to.

My intergalactic girl is named Jessie. She came out of nowhere (well, technically we met through mutual friends). My fear over the past couple of years has been that something inside me broke after Kay and I’d lost the ability to fall deeply in love in a lasting way. Like I was destined forever to find wonderful people, but not have all of the passion & peace I once had. Meeting Jessie has not only proven that fear wrong to me, but exceeded all of my expectations of what I could feel for someone.

Me, in love.

Please excuse me while I wax poetic for a bit.

I’ve never felt so sure of a relationship. On my deepest soul level.

This experience is so profound I’m lacking vocabulary for it. Is there something in Spanish to describe this? “In love” doesn’t do it justice. In love sounds like my heart–but this is all of my cells, and my heart and soul and brain… lit up. That’s what it is… she lights something in me that no one has ever lit before, something I didn’t know was there. That’s the best way I can describe it.

I realize by normal measurements of time this doesn’t make any sense. But I feel like it’s being measured on a different level. Nothing else has felt this balanced. We’re both all in. How the actual fuck does that happen??

possessed-by-aliens-cookie-baking

I have been in love before and dated wonderful people. I’m not discrediting those experiences. But I have never fallen so hard and so right, so that something has felt this good. I’m having trouble touching back down to earth.

My heart doesn’t feel big enough to contain all that I’m feeling and I’m afraid it’s going to explode. In so little time!

I feel like loving her is going to expand my heart bigger than it’s ever been.

All of my gut stuff and resistance stuff feels like it makes sense now. Yes I was mad at it, (I didn’t realize you hate my gut too! You should join the official “we hate Ruth’s gut club”). But it’s like I was trying to guard this spot for her, but I didn’t know that’s what I was doing. My gut has just been doing a happy dance since I met her, and it’s like I felt this big sigh of relief. The resistance and restlessness is gone. No more fighting my singleness or dating-ness. No more arbitrary dates or goals or fighting for balance. I am exactly where I want to be. I want to be hers. I want her to be mine. Signed, sealed, delivered.

Do you think there are things that are parts of us that exist outside of time and place and know better than our present selves?

I know I sound like I’m on drugs right now, and honestly it feels that way a little bit. We are both afraid the other person is going to snap out of it, while simultaneously insisting that “I am not going to”. From the outside I’m sure we’re insufferable. When I’m around her I just want to… stare into her eyes and have some point of physical contact at all times. When I’m not around her I think of her all the time. I cannot NOT smile when I’m looking at her. I laugh all the time. I cuddle in as close as humanly possible and it’s still not close enough. I want to know every layer of her that makes her who she is. The good and the bad.

be still, my heart

Physically I feel so, so good with her Nora. We have a shit ton of chemistry and it’s like I just can’t get enough of her. Everything about her turns me on and it’s like she IS a strand of a drug designed just for me. It’s flowed so naturally and is amplified by all of the out-of-this-world feels.

I keep trying to confirm that she is real and not a dream. I will report back here if I discover she’s been an illusion all along. But it does feel like I’ve met my actual dream girl, and even though the romantic side of me is ready to accept that reality, the cynical, logical side of me is still saying “whaaa?? this is too good to be true…” 

I swear I haven’t lost all sense. It’s just…. it’s worth it. No matter what happens. She’s worth it. I’d risk it all for her. Even if this ends in my heart totally broken—I can’t not try with her. I suppose I may read these words later and weep. But I know I’m not going to regret going all in. I believe I deserve a really big love, and I’m doing this for myself. 

If you meet your dream girl, and you have a chance with her, is there really any other way to proceed other than going all in? Faint heart never won fair lady, after all.

Time is going to teach me things in this. I know it’s early. I know we have so much to learn about each other. My eyes are open. I haven’t forgotten the lessons the past 3 years have taught me. I feel that I am only here right now because of the things I’ve learned. I am only ready for her because of the work I’ve done for myself.

Ok, I think that’s probably enough for one letter. I don’t want your eyes to get tired from all of the eye rolling. 😛 Just accept me as I am Nora! You know I’m a hopeless romantic.

We received a really beautiful letter from a reader who I will call Jane. I am going to publish it shortly. I’m still thinking about a reply. I know it is addressed to me, but I think it’d be valuable for both of us to weigh in on it if that’s something you’d like to do. Look for it soon!

I love you and I’m sending all the good thoughts and love to you and Toby.

Love, Ruth

A (Willing) Fool for Love

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Dear Nora,

Let me just start by getting this out there, because I can’t even pretend it’s not happening:

I was minding my own business on my dusty trail, and then there she was. Nora, I have no. words. I am dead. She is either going to break my heart or keep it.

I would say I am falling hard, but that’s not even the right description. I’m jumping, or being pulled, or both. Jumping out of an airplane, falling and really, really hoping my parachute opens…

But every cell in my body told me I needed to jump. And now, for better or for worse, gravity doing what it does best.

You know how I said I’ve been dating not to lose? This one I am dating 100% to win. I want to have no regrets. If she doesn’t pick me in the end, I don’t want it to be because I held anything back. OhmygodIcannotmessthisup.

To my amazement, I have no hesitations. It is a pure “hell yes”.

Also, btw, an alien has taken over my body and my brain and I have zero control over any of my faculties at the moment. Like, it is almost midnight right now and I’m baking her cookies because she likes cookies. A normal, sane person doesn’t do that. They bake at reasonable times, and not after 2-ish dates. Aliens do that (I assume?). I have no appetite, I’ve been getting little sleep. The butterflies are ridiculous. I am always counting down the days and hours until I see her again. She’s going to do me in.

The most INSANE part of it all? She seems to be feeling the same. All of it. What is happening??

If I write you next time and I’m a puddle of mush after my fall, please just refer back to this post. I know I will sound like an idiot when I say this, but I’m going to say it anyway: this one is different. Laugh all you want. The world can look at me and think I’m a fool. I definitely should not be writing about this so soon. But honestly, I don’t give a fuck. I am a fucking fool for love. There is nothing casual about this for me and I can’t even pretend that it is.

ANYWAY.

I was thinking the other day about how I should probably feel dumb about things I’ve written on this blog. Because I feel things strongly, and I write about them, and then things have changed and life happens and I learn things and afterwards I look back and sometimes judge myself for what I was feeling.

But then I decided, you know what? I’m not ashamed of who I am. I like that I see possibilities, and I go all in, and I take risks. If someone judges me for that, so be it. I’m honest with people about my feelings and I’m not careless with the feelings of others, to the best of my ability. Somehow I’m always bobbing back up to the surface, just as hopeful as though I’d never dipped below. Some lessons learned – of course. But hope suppressed? Seemingly never.

Security is mostly a superstition. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold…. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. (Helen Keller)

Me and the universe are playing a fun game right now where I write something on here, and then it proves it wrong (the universe is winning the game). For example: I wrote I was looking for –”Falling in love… not in a dramatic, flash of lighter fluid burst of flame, but in a slow and steady build of warmth–lit for a longterm burn.” HA.

first date = perfection

*ahem* Ok, now to respond to your letter. My apologies for my incoherent ramblings. Don’t blame me, blame the aliens.

You covered so much ground in your letter! I can’t even believe what a whirlwind you’ve been in. Are you exhausted? You have been undoubtably slaying 2017 like it’s your job. Also happy to hear you’ve made time for some new boos and for “lips with the magic of the oceans”. You are overdue and you deserve that. Get some!!!

borrowed from instagram

I had an audible reaction of disbelief to your statement about being 30 and having nothing (not that you’re not entitled to your own feelings about this, but I’m going to respectfully disagree). You have huge accomplishments! You moved to a new country as a teenager and fluently learned a second language. You have supported yourself for so long! You put yourself through school and now you’re working to further your education, with your sights set on medical school! You’ve moved across the country twice. You’ve made good friendships. You write this lovely blog with me. You are a wonderful dog mother. You know yourself deeply. You totally “still got it” at thirty, but more than that I think all the best things are still to come for you. You have worked hard and set yourself up for an exciting future full of love and career prospects you’re passionate about. You are loving yourself and shedding unwanted baggage. You’re in a growth period and that’s not always glamorous, but it is the part you should be most proud of. How can you say you’ve done nothing with your life? You put most thirty-year-olds to shame. In SPITE of financial stress AND lack of support system, you are persisting. 

Plus, you’re an excellent knitter.

There is this quiz called American Dream Score, created by PBS. I think you should take it. I took it and I got a 60, which basically means the majority of factors have been in my favor in life. I want you to take this quiz and then tell me you’ve accomplished nothing at 30. 

A fifteen month pre-medical school program sounds intense. I will try to be more patient with letter responses while you are focusing on studies.

I love seeing all your pictures. (If you love all the greenery of the Philly area, one of these days I’m going to get you out here to the PNW and I will take you to see all the wonders. In my 2.5 years here my jaw still drops.) But perhaps I should take a trip out to Philly sometime! Maybe next year I can get back out to the east coast.

This is the actual blue of a pool tucked away in the woods of Oregon. It turns blue because the water runs through the mountain instead of down a waterfall, and picks up minerals. But I like to believe it’s just magic.

I hope your new community forms quickly, but also that the right people come into your life for this stage.

Ok, I know this is getting long. But I need to talk to you about “the one” for a minute. We seem to be misunderstanding each other on this. I must not be explaining this well.

My two cents:

What the one is not: a single person walking on the face of the earth who is literally the only person I can end up with and be happy with.

What the one is:
The one is the one my heart will feel at rest with.
The one is someone my gut confirms feels right.
The one is the one I will invest all the work of a relationship in.
The one is the one I will feel every cell in my body at peace when I’m curled up next to her.
The one is my biggest, deepest love yet.
The one is someone my soul will recognize.
The one is the one I will still be able to hold onto 100% of myself with.
The one is the one my mind will feel content with.
The one is who I would move heaven and earth to love and support.
The one is the one who sees me as her one too.
The one is someone who’s all in with me, and I’m all in with her.
The one is someone I will fight for once I’ve found her.
The one is the one I will choose to keep by my side.
and I will keep her by my side for as long as life lets me.
whether it’s 3 months. Or 3 years. Or 3 decades.

And if life takes her from me, I may search for “the next one” as long as my heart is still wanting to find that. 

I don’t think there is only one person out there who can fill this role. But I hope I am lucky enough to have the privilege of spending my life with just one person. I would be so content to find her and grow old with her, through life’s trials and joys. I want that. 

It’s not about only dating someone if they can promise me forever. It’s about me being able to envision a forever with them. If I can’t see that, then I have to let them go their own way.

Why would I spend time with someone I don’t see a forever with when what I want is a forever?

All the examples you gave were geographic and time obstacles. Those things won’t matter to me when I choose someone. I would move for “my one”. And if she only had three months to live, I’d spend it with her and make the most of every day. 

I know this sweet and wonderful woman, I’ll call her Sally. Sally had a great love. It lasted for 15 years, and then her partner died of cancer. She spent years in grief afterwards, and alone. She gave her heart time to recover and heal, and never stopped loving that soul she lost. And then, just the other day, she met someone new, 9 years after her partner had passed. I could see this new light in her. She was like a teenager falling in love for the first time. She had found her “one” once. And now I could see her opening up, ready to find her next one.

And when I find them it certainly does not invalidate the other love stories I’ve been so lucky to have so far. Those loves are what have prepared me for it! Those have been vital exercises of my heart that have taught me about myself and about love and what I want and deserve and they were 100% real. There is nothing more “real” about the relationship I end up choosing to stay in, the only difference between it and my other love stories, is that it’s the one I keep and I’m at rest in.

What role does love play in this search? It leads the way, a torch burning in my chest. I have so much love to give. I don’t know what form this person will take. But I’m not ready to give up my hopes of finding her. And so I will continue to do my best to be open to what the universe sends my way. I will be honest with myself about what I feel in my gut. And if I can’t see a future then I will let that person go and continue on the dusty trail alone until I meet a traveler who will walk by my side.

With Hannah, I had a lot of love for her. But similar to Lily, it wasn’t the fully rounded out in-love romantic kind of love I needed to and my gut told me something was missing.

My requirements are quite simple actually: I will be in love with her, she will be in love with me. And it will feel perfectly right to both of us to spend our lives together and we will both feel like the absolute luckiest. I mean, I do have a lengthy list that I’ve sent to the universe of some particulars. Some of the things it includes: She will love herself. She will have a heart of gold and a grin of a troublemaker. She will be moved by compassion. 

Also allow me to clear up my remark about idealizing stuff with Kay. This has been a more recent “aha” moment for me. When I referenced that, I was not referencing her as a girlfriend. Let’s be honest – god bless her – but she was not her best possible self in our relationship (NOR WAS I). Kind of immature and selfish and very non-committal and not accepting of herself. Cowardly when it came to do the hard, right thing. Non-confrontational and avoidant of tackling her shit. Ashamed to be gay and wouldn’t hold my hand in public or say I was her girlfriend.

What I loved about that relationship, and what I miss, was the way I felt when I was in it. I was  deeply content (in spite of all those things–I didn’t know better yet!). I was 100% in without hesitations. I was at rest and at home and in love beyond a shadow of a doubt. Our cores matched, even though some other parts were imperfect.

That is what I want again. Like, that is the bare minimum of what I want. I know it’s going to be so much better the next time my heart is rested with someone because I’m sure as hell not settling for someone who doesn’t treat me like I deserve. I will reach potentials I could never have reached with Kay in the versions of ourselves at the time. I totally agree that that relationship was the scratch of the surface of what happiness can look like for me.

Sorry this one is a doozy. I’m not quite in my right mind these days. Send me updates!

Love, Ruth

P.S. Question for tarot cards: Is this girl going to break my heart?

 P.P.S. Magpie really likes hugs actually. I gave her one from you. When I walk in the door every day she wants to be scooped up and I toss her in the air and hug her and kiss her and she purrs contentedly, before she’ll even go have dinner. It is the cutest thing.

Dusty Trails

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Dear Nora,

Ok, ok. I get it. You’re giving me a taste of my own medicine, waiting weeks and weeks to reply. It is not fun at all… I am in suspense woman! But for real, I know you’re super busy with all your new life stuff in Philly. I hope you are doing well and school is captivating and your heart is full and Toby is feeling ok these days.

I am writing you again because I can’t keep my shit together long enough to wait for a response.

This week I have found myself wishing that I was a polyamorous fairy like you. I feel like life would be so much easier if I didn’t feel compelled to commit to being with one person. And that when I found a really wonderful human who didn’t happen to be “it” for me I could still date them in good conscience.

But alas, my monogamous heart will not yield. And I hold on to hope that the person is still to come, but I am so discouraged, my friend.  I am getting too old to date just to date. Actually I don’t think I’ve ever really been good at that. (“We date to mate” was the mantra at my Christian college and unfortunately that seems to have stuck with me).

My gut weighed in at about 2 months with Hannah. Before I felt ready, it’s infuriating nuisance of a voice spoke up and informed me that as delightful as I found her to be, Hannah was not my match. Anxiety started to build as I recognized this, and she sensed something was off, so there was no point in putting it off the wretched conversation. We were both extremely frustrated with my gut and I cried more than you might guess a person in a two month casual dating situation would. But I had really grown to care about her, so much. And have known her for almost a year at this point. And most importantly, I want to keep her in my life. Once again, I have hopes of a friendship remaining after the pain has subsided.  It’s so hard to let go.

You know what we’re never taught when we’re told fairytales and love stories as children? That before prince charming, the princess may date some really great guys. That is never in the plot line. She’s either alone until she meets the one, or she dates someone awful and then meets the prince who is night-and-day-contrast, no-contest, way better. But real life is not often black and white like that. It is gray. And real life is Hannah’s and Lily’s and the most kind and beautiful souls I could ask for, treating me like a queen, and me having to move forward with a blind faith that when I meet the one I’m going to rest my heart with my gut will provide a confirmation, not a protest.

And so, I continue to trust my gut. God knows fucking why. But I don’t feel I really have much of a choice. I can’t live opposed to what I feel instinctively, can I? I’ve tried that and then the truth still kicks me in the ass.

It feels like the more I trust my gut, the more in tune with it I am becoming…

Being human is weird.

Back to square one. Back to forever alone.

I’ve been playing the lyrics to this song Lily introduced to me over and over again in my head:

I know I’m no doctor but if I was guessing I’d say it was just growing pains
And painful as growing is we can’t forget it’s our ticket to taking the reins
And we’ll all be okay, we’ll be okay
Dusty trails can lead you to a golden road, I’ve been told
…
It’s all in the manual that we’ve been writing, a future instructional guide
If we skip to add to our pre-fulfilled dreams, we’d be lost without our own advice
We’ll be alright, we’ll be alright
Dusty trails can lead you to a golden road, I’ve been told
…

I finally bought a tent that’s all my own

My heart is tired. I am spending lots of time in nature this summer to restore it. I am talking to my sisters and reading books and snuggling Magpie and continuing on this dusty trail.

Tell me something encouraging. Have you met your Anita Blake? Have good things and people been appearing in your life?

Write me! Love, Ruth

30 year crisis

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Dear Nora,

I have been thinking about you and Mr. Toby as you travel and move this summer. Any and all updates are welcome! Even when I am the worst, and neglecting you horribly. Know that even when I don’t write, I still am thinking of you and needing to write. I’ve discovered when I’m in uncertain times I get a writing block in my brain of how to sort it.

How long were you in NYC for? Are you in Philly now? Also what day was your birthday?? Tell me about your new digs! Give me a Toby update–I have been so worried about him. I miss you Nora! I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to write. I hope you forgive me when that happens.

Also, how was it being in the same city as Cory for a bit?? Also, Abby?

I’m so excited for you and your new adventure. New friends! New poly scene! New things to learn about. All the possibilities!

Hey guess what? I made it to 3 months of celibacy! It was down to the goddamn day, but I made it. More on that in a bit, but I just wanted to pat myself on the back because it was an accomplishment for me.

I had a hardy laugh at myself after reading your letter. “You want to know why you find yourself in this situation? Because you put yourself in this situation.” So thank you for that, and calling me out on my nonsense. I fed the wolf, and that is the wolf that won. No surprise to anyone, I am sure.

Hannah and I began casually dating over a month ago. It has not been an explosion or a tidal wave or anything all-consuming, but a pleasant warmth like the steady heating of coals. She is consistent, attentive, kind and thoughtful. I like not being lost in the sauce. I like just continuing my life as the days get longer and warmer, and gradually getting to know her. Trying to win over each other’s cats, and hanging out for game nights, and sometimes talking about serious things and other times being silly, and sometimes not talking at all and just cuddling so good or laying in bed reading side by side. I think I am falling…but it’s a slow-motion sort of fall–so it is different from what I’ve become accustomed to. And it is too soon to tell anything for certain, so I am working to be patient and take my time. And she is patient, too.

If I learned anything from Lily, it’s that there is no substitute for time passing. And that when I jump to conclusions, it is unfair to all parties involved.

I still feel hesitant for anything very “official”, whatever that really means. But I feel safe and un-judged by her, and in a good place. And very much myself. I want to wait to commit to a “relationship” again until I feel no hesitation, but I also recognize labels are just labels, and the truth is in the thing itself. Neither of us are looking to “get to know” anyone else at the present. We have been calling it “Smart Casual Dating”.

Hannah is a stinker in the guise of a sweet midwestern girl. But deep-down she’s a total shit-starter… but also a compassionate and caring/responsible eldest of four. She reminds me of home. Maybe it’s the midwest, or the family, or the hard-working frugal sensibilities that you gain from a heritage of farmers. I tease her that she is actually a curmudgeonly old man trapped in a 30-year-old cute lesbian. She says things like “swell” and “quite” and “indeed” and “pish posh” and calls dinner “supper”. She lives so much more of her life on the inside that I am used to. I am an introvert as well, but probably an unusually expressive one. And I’ve spent so many years dating extroverts who say the first thing that pops into their head and spill anything they’re feeling. I suspect Hannah is a “still waters run deep” type of person, but I am still discovering what is under the surface. The other day we had brunch with a group of people, many of whom we didn’t know. And when we left, she apologized to me that she was so quiet in the group, and that she isn’t the “life of the party” person. “You know what, Hannah? I really don’t care about that. I used to more, because I wanted to be with someone who did all the talking for me. But now, I like to talk for myself, and so however you are is just fine by me–as long as you accept yourself.”

I have been searching myself and asking some of the questions you put to me last letter. What in me is resisting aloneness? And also, why am I striving for aloneness? And what role does sex play? Why do I want to date, or not date?

I fear settling. I fear selling myself short on something bigger I am meant for. I am mistrustful of my own feelings. I am still drawing comparisons to what I had with Kay–idealizing it in inaccurate ways and worrying I’ll never reach that again.  I am afraid of thinking with my body instead of my brain. I am afraid of hurting anyone else.

I am constructing  wall after wall, thinking it will protect me from all of those things..but perhaps it is only keeping the best possibilities out.

I am afraid of waking up someday, and having it all have passed me by.

Beautiful trip to the Grand Canyon, and hiking trips around OR

And then I ask myself, what is “it all”? What do I want these years to be filled with? What will make me feel like I didn’t settle and that I reached my best potential and found my best “fit” and made good decisions? 30 year crisis, Nora! I’m telling you…

Here is the biggest difference between 20 year old me falling in love for the first time, and 30 year old me now. I used to be “playing to win”, but I feel like now I am just playing not to lose. And that’s really a horrible way to go about life, especially when it comes to love. It’s also time for me to let go of all of my assumptions that just because once upon a time I fell in love in a specific way, that it’s going to look just like that again… so many years later. It cannot look the same because I am not the same.

There are so many ways to be in love.

–Yrsa Daley-Ward

I feel I am making everything into a big jumbled mess but it’s not as complicated as all of that. I want really simple, good things out of life. The things that make me happiest are life’s basic pleasures… making good food, having a cold beer, finding a really lovely flower or lush display of green or taking in a scenic view. A chat with a good friend. A head butt from Magpie or a warm cuddling up under the covers. Weather. Hot baths. Gardens growing. Swimming in the ocean. A handwritten note in the mail. Exploring a new place. Making out and having sex with someone I can snort laugh with. Knowing and loving myself, and feeling like I am adding some good into the lives of others. Getting swept up in a consuming book. Writing thoughts into words. Falling in love… not in a dramatic, flash of lighter fluid burst of flame, but in a slow and steady build of warmth–lit for a longterm burn.  Having a deep friendship and partnership with someone I love and respect, who I am crazy about and who is crazy about me. Those are the things I want these years filled with.

Simple pleasures: cat paws, flowers & chocolate from Hannah, singing with my choir at Pride

Ruth, calm the fuck down and trust your gut.

That is my advice to myself today.

Having a compulsive need to know instantly if the person I’m dating is “the one” is stupid and unrealistic. Holding myself to the expectation that I should know that right away is setting myself up for anxiety and failure. I don’t even believe in the one! I believe in really great fits, and even better fits, and feeling at peace and at home with someone and falling in love and walking through life together, while encouraging and inspiring each other to be your best selves.

Ok, all of my ramblings are done for today. It is late. It is cooling down outside and the breeze is blowing in and Magpie is sitting in the window, looking into the quiet night. Today was the summer solstice, the longest day of the year. But the days are still warming up and I am grateful for the arrival of a new season.

Rambling,

Ruth

P.S. Can you please do a tarot card reading for me? Unless it’s something really bad, and then I’d rather not know…

P.P.S. How do you feel about turning 30?! I suppose your 30-year-crisis was considering monogamy again for a bit 🙂

Fuck that.

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Dear Nora,

I have no words. I’m so sorry I didn’t see your letter until this morning.

Fuck the fucking universe—why little Toby??

Three to twelve weeks?? I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS.

This is heart breaking!! I cannot imagine what you’re feeling. I am so angry and upset for you. And for little Toby–I’m glad dogs don’t understand things going on, and he will continue to hopefully live in blissful ignorance and enjoy his time with his most favorite human on earth.

He has had the best life with you, Nora. He is your little family. This is such a blow, losing him is a huge, deep loss and I am so very sorry this is happening. I will be thinking of you both and praying for the universe to allow him to go without pain.

I wish I could say or do something to make this better. FUCK THIS!!! Why is life so fucking unfair??

Call or text me any time if you need to talk or cry about it. Seriously girl, at any time.

Mourning with you,

Ruth

P.S. I know I owe you a longer letter, but everything else in the world right now feels stupid compared to this.

P.P.S. Also, this is not at all the same, because I didn’t have Sweetums as long as you’ve had Toby and I willingly gave her away. But she died last summer, after I sent her to live with a friend she got hit by a car, and I really mourned that, privately. I sat and looked at hundreds of pictures of her and sobbed and felt guilty for giving her up. Regrets, man. Lily made me this little memorial of her, living out her last days outside in Alaska and it made me fall to pieces. All of that to say, you are losing a best friend. I am sure you will love the shit out of him while he’s still running around by your feet and give him all the cuddles and treats. I personally love pets more than most people. Any and all grieving you need to do is valid and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

A Constant Test

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Dear Nora,

My last letter was so long, I am going to try and be a little more brief this time. No guarantees though… but first—tell me all the things! What’s the latest on your processes? How is your work on resistance going (good resistance vs bad)? Any updates on grad school and moving? Any changes on things with Cory or Abby? How are the sexcapades? How is your self-care going? 

My forever alone update: I have been working hard on all of my aspirations for the year. I am learning to play the ukulele and I love it! I am reading lots of books, and seeking out the stories of others. I am cooking all the things, and often improvising or combining recipes…etc. I am doing some healthier activities and habits for my body and it feels good. I am taking myself on dates and to fun concerts, and branching out to meet new people. Of course I have many things still to do, but my process feels good.

Treat yo self! Got myself new glasses and a giant carrot onesie from Hannah Hart… because… why not?

It feels good. Minus one part. NORA, WHY. Why must sex be this constant nagging little reminder in my brain all the time. “Pst, Ruth… hey… remember me?”. It is insistent. It is loud. I am two weeks away from my solid 3 month goal. And I am proud of me. Some days are just fine, but I’ve come to realize more than ever, that my body and its sexual needs are just a part of who I am and part of being human. I worry a little if something is wrong with me…

But then I remember biology and that I am a 30-year-old woman with a fairly strong sex drive in the height of what my body believes are my time-to-get-pregnant years.

Long story short, I need it and I miss it. Not just actual sex, I miss just physical intimacy… being held, being kissed, having my neck messaged… Yes, I can live without it. I am fine. But not having sex just makes it take up a disproportional part of my thoughts. And apparently a disproportional part of this letter!

Ok, moving on…

Me and Magpie showing off our black and white outfits and lookin cute.

Wait.. never mind, I need to talk about it just a little bit more. Ok, so, I’ve figured out, if I’m going to wait another 3 months before considering dating (which is my intention)… I’m going to need more than just a new fancy dildo. I need a hookup buddy. Like, someone I have no interest in dating, but feel safe and comfortable with and attracted to. Who is in a similar situation to me. I have been mulling over where this unicorn could come from. I think my takeaway from last summer is that occasionally, with the right person, I can have sex without a bunch of emotional complications. I have no fucking clue how I’d broach that subject with someone. “Hey girl, you seem chill and I’m attracted to you and looking for a no-strings-attached sex buddy. You wanna? LMK, tnx. *hugs*” Help me Nora. How do I do this? Do I just need to place a craiglist ad or something? Or is this a dumb idea? Do I just need to deal and wait until I find the next girl I’m gonna date?

That sounds disastrous because I think I’m waaaaaaay more likely to jump into the wrong relationship if I’m on major sex withdrawal….

On the friend side of things, progress with me and Elise has been really positive and no worries about re-sparking anything there. I got to hang with her girlfriend for the first time the other day (remember the one she started dating a month after we broke up?) and I like her a lot. Elise and I are opposites in more ways than we are similar, so I think we’re still figuring out what a healthy and functioning friendship means. But it’s felt like a good thing so far. We are taking it slowly. 

Lily and I are still in a weird zone of not sure how to act around each other. She usually cries when she sees me, and I just feel kinda blah and tell her time will heal this, and don’t really know what else to say. She says all of her romantic feelings are gone, but she still feels jealous thinking about me moving on. So… I think there’s still more to work out there. I, on the other hand, just feel kind of annoyed, and bad for her and occasionally guilty—but also—not really. This is just life. I know my intentions were good, and I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but it is what it is. Am I a cold bitch? I don’t know what I expected in terms of timeline. But I am ready to just be friends. She wants to be ready, but is not.

Hannah. Hannah is a whole other story. Being single again has allowed me to spend quite a bit of time getting to know her. The more I know, the more I like her. I feel a really great kind of bond with her. She is really intelligent and goofy and has just an all-around great disposition and we have fun together and I am myself around her and excited to see her. Last summer when we briefly dated, we had good chemistry, and that has been haunting me lately. Here is someone, available, who I like very much as a person, who I already know is an excellent kisser… but I quickly had to rule out “friends with benefits” because she’s just as bad as I am at not getting emotionally hooked when there’s a physical connection happening. Case closed, right? But then… she told me the other night she has developed some substantial feelings for me. Noooooooooooo. Nora, why???? Why can’t I just have a friend without it leading to more? After she told me about her feelings, I let out a scream of frustration in my car because I was so excited about her and I don’t want to lose her. To make matters worse, I think I am feeling something too. But I don’t trust my feelings. And more importantly, IT DOES NOT MATTER. Because I am not deviating from my plan. 

How easy it would be to fall into that. Far too easy. In a heartbeat, I could be cuddled up next her and deep into it again.

Why do I have this inner resistance to maintaining my single status? Am i sabotaging myself? Or am I resisting being with her because there is something there and I’m afraid of it? Afraid of repeating what happened with Lily? How do I know what resistance is healthy? I don’t have a strong gut feeling that “yes, this is it”, but I also don’t have a feeling of “definitely not”. I instead feel this pull towards her with no explanation of why, but it feels like a special connection, a kinship of sorts. And maybe it’s just a long-term friendship type of bond. But with the attraction to her, and with my sex withdrawals—my brain is fuzzy. I’ve been trying to look past that and just focus deliberately on just getting to know her and feel out why we feel drawn to each other without jumping to conclusions like I did with Lily and breaking promises to myself. Send me all your good energy Nora, I think I’m gonna need some outside strength. I’m praying that somehow her feelings for me just go away and we stop being attracted to each other. But I don’t know how to silence the part of me is saying “what if…? Dating her would be so different for me than anyone I’ve dated…. Maybe different is good, maybe different is right…” I think the best way that I can describe it is I feel fond of her and intrigued by her. 

I really appreciated what you shared about internal resistance (i.e. working against yourself vs. protecting yourself), and I’ve been thinking on that quite a bit. I watched the video and I think there is a lot of truth there.

The issue, like you said, is knowing the difference.

Lately I’ve been feeling a tangle of resistance and I can’t sort it out. My body is being so loud and annoying, and my heart and mind are bickering and I don’t feel at peace within myself. What do I need to do? Isolate myself from humanity? Not hang out around any lesbians? Why does this keep happening? Thank GOD for Penny. Penny is my best friend in Portland, and she and I have never struggled with any other layers of anything. It’s been a pure friendship without confusion for both of us—what a miracle! I’ve known her for two years, and become closest to her over the past year and I honestly don’t know what I would have done without her. The other day I was telling her all about my situation with Hannah and she gave it to me straight “RUTH, if she was it for you… you would know. And you probably would break your 6 month thing and just go for it. But you’re finding ways to justify how she might be for you. So no matter what happens in the future, you need to proceed with ‘she is not for you RIGHT NOW, and probably never.’”

Hannah says she can have a friendship with me, no problem. That she can prioritize logic over feelings and she is fine and it doesn’t hurt her to do that. And that she wants me in her life, whatever form that takes. I am trying to trust that is true. I told her friendship is all I have to offer her. As for me, in two weeks I need to find a hookup l buddy and get some of my pent-up energy out so my brain can clear and my body can be quiet. And hold fast to my process, as you call it. 

I’m working hard Nora. It’s hard to be forever alone, and also hard to ensure I stay that way. Why must life be a constant test that I feel doomed to fail?

I’d love to hear updates from you. And any advice or tough love you have please send them my way. Thank you for lending a listening ear. I love you Nora!

Resisting, Ruth

We are bigger than we know

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Dear Nora, 

First of all, let me say congratulations on the new masters program! That is badass Nora! I know it’s plan B (B for badass?), but who knows what new doors it will lead to, or who you’ll meet, or how it will move you towards your dreams or evolve your dreams. The important thing is that you are moving forward, in spite of doors persistently not opening. I am proud of you! (Um also… three words about your interview look: hot damn girl.) You’re slaying 2017 already. 

I’m excited for you to be back on the east coast. I feel like your heart has been there all along. Even apart from Cory. I know the hope you’ve held onto for so long has conditioned you to envision her waiting at the end of that road. Maybe somehow moving back there will be the last step you need to release yourself. Maybe her being within reach and now watching all of the magic dissolve, you will be able to once and for all disenchant yourself of her. I’m sorry that you’ve felt like you’ve regressed lately. It’s ok to take steps backwards—your feet are still pointing in the direction you want to go and that is where you’re headed. I know you’re tired. Feel what demands to be felt. Most importantly, have compassion for yourself.

As far as all of those things she said to you Nora… all I can say is… you deserve a great love (or many!). And someone who says those things is not it.

If someone doesn’t fight for you, they aren’t for you. Period.

Sometimes someone doesn’t fight because they’re afraid. Sometimes someone doesn’t fight because they don’t love you enough, or don’t love themselves enough. Sometimes someone doesn’t fight because they don’t believe, deep down, that they deserve you. Sometimes someone doesn’t fight because the timing is off. Sometimes someone doesn’t fight because they already have too many of their own battles they need to fight for themselves. I don’t know all of her reasons Nora. But I do know, you deserve to have someone who fights for you—through distance, or school, or families. Someone who doesn’t back away and make excuses like “it’s not logical to be together” and “the only reason I have to fight for you is love… and that’s not enough”. The truth is you really put yourself out there for her, risked a lot and sacrificed a lot and invested so much emotionally. You’re not just losing the future you hoped for, you feel like all that you put into it is now wasted. And that’s a shitty feeling. It’s like her telling you all that you invested just isn’t worth that much. (That’s a lie btw… she just doesn’t appreciate the value of what you’re offering.)

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said “she may be who I want, but she’s not what I want.” (Isn’t that just the fuckery of life—Lily was totally what I want, but not who I want.)

I know I’m just repeating stuff back to you that you already know. I will say one more thing… actually, two things. 1) the pain will go away, however… 2) you’ve got to choose to let it go Nora. For the love of god delete those goddamn messages. Stop rereading that convo. Keeping them has served it’s purpose—you said yourself you’ve accepted she’s not for you. What good can come of rehashing it? Delete that shit woman! Obviously it’s about more than a series of text messages, but the first step of letting the pain go is to cleanse your life of things that keep bringing fresh reminders of the pain and rejection.

Boston is new and shiny and all yours. No one is going to dim your light. You are starting an exciting chapter all on your own and a bright path awaits you. 

I’m sorry to hear that Abby has not been a good support for you. That makes me so sad. I know her position is tricky, and I know you care a lot about each other. It is ok to take a step back if that feels like the healthy choice for you right now. For your sake and hers, I hope you will be able to work through that together. But I know that is not always possible when someone tries to remain friends with both parties of the breakup. Personally I essentially lost some friends when Kay & I ended, even though she was the one who wronged me… but then I left. Since she was still there in their daily lives, they remained her friends and didn’t reach out across the distance to me. 

I am sending all the good vibes your way Nora. 

I appreciate your word vomit because it makes me feel like I can do that too! So here goes…

At the end of every relationship, I seem to mourn the loss of that first one all over again. A fresh loss triggers a reminder of the loss. It’s like each new loss is an echo of the first. 

I’m not sure how to feel about that, or what to do with it. I think it just means I have yet to find something that is embedded as deeply in my soul as my life with Kay was. 

I received a message out-of-the-blue from a girl I went to college with. Not someone I know well at all. But had nice recollections of nonetheless. Let’s call her Becca. Becca messaged me on instagram and said told me she lives in my old house now. She gets mail sometimes and recognized my name and looked me up. That, by itself is a fun coincidence. But then she went on to tell me, that after graduating from our small, Christian college she married a man, but it wasn’t until she met and fell hard for a woman she worked with that she really experienced falling in love and sexual fulfillment for the first time. Her story is beautiful and heartbreaking. She spent years trying to suppress what she knew to be the real her. Her father is a pastor, her family is not supportive at all. But in spite of everything she said “fuck it” and was very brave and chose to live out who she is, married this woman, and they bought the very house in Indianapolis that Kay & I used to live in. 

Not only do they live there with her daughter and their cat, they were married in that house and when she sent me photos of them standing in front of what used to be our fireplace, sharing their “you may now kiss the bride” moment my heart exploded with joy and also shades of sadness.

It felt like I was almost looking at my own alternate life. I know a house is just a house, but when Kay and I found that place together it meant so much more than that to me. It symbolized everything I had always wanted. We had done about 5 years of dating during school & being long distance, and it had taken such a toll on my heart. We found this house when I was looking to finally finally move to Indianapolis and we’d be together and truly start our lives. Being in that house meant that my heart and home were finally under the same roof. We moved in and it was literally my dream come true. Gorgeous 3-bedroom, with a piano and a fireplace and a yard. Summers there everything blooming around the house, with parties of friends in the back yard. Winters snuggled up in bed together, shoveling snow off the sidewalk and making a fire. It was never about the house. It was about being there with Kay. Getting to see her everyday was all I had ever wanted. Waking up next to her and attacking her with kisses when she got home from work and taking a thousand pictures of our cats together.

Here is where Becca & I’s stories take different paths. She met and fell in love with a woman who was where she was at. Out and proud and knows how lucky she is to have found Becca. Building that life together and living openly and creating their home. Unfortunately when I was with Kay she was not in that place. So although we had all the ingredients to start that life together, Kay wasn’t ready to accept herself, love herself the way she would need to in order to live like that. Instead of getting married in front of that fireplace (not that we could have at the time anyway, it still wasn’t legal in Indiana), that is where the final scenes of our relationship played out. 

It makes me really happy to know that the house gets to have a happy (and gay) future with Becca & her wife there now. I am sending her this drawing I did of the house when I lived there with congratulations and best wishes. 

I also sent Kay a text and thanked her for the beautiful life we had together. Truly, I’m thankful for it every day. I had a really good thing, for so many years with her. And even though I wanted a different ending, at the time, I know now it’s ok that it didn’t go that way.

Not every love story has a happy ending… but it is still a love story.

My sister told me that once. It’s also ok, that 2.5 years after it ending, I still am mourning it’s loss in some ways. 

As I gain perspective with time and distance, more than ever I have been able to let go of the sad parts. Thank them for what they taught me, and remember the good. I was reminded of this the other day, when Jill reached out to me. Jill is a girl who was unfortunately quite tangled up in Kay & I’s relationship at the end of it. She was a co-worker of Kay’s, and they were sleeping together behind my back. I was jealous of her, without even knowing the truth of what was going on. When I did an attitude adjustment and let Jill into our lives the three of us really bonded and together we all proceeded into emotionally dangerous territory. Kay and I ended up breaking up, I found out the truth of their affair, and then for reasons I’m still a little hazy on, I dating Jill for a brief spell. I mean, it was clearly a rebound, but it was much more than that. It was me hiding in terror from the pain that was about to ensue from losing Kay and being betrayed by her. As I’ve reflected on it over this time it’s also been a source of shame for me that I would date someone who had been sleeping with my girlfriend (aka who had played a big role in causing me immense pain). It felt disrespectful to myself. Anyway, fortunately (and with much hard work) I’ve been able to forgive myself for that, considering all that I was going through at the time I think all I owe myself is compassion and grace.

So yes, I surprised myself when I heard from Jill that I have zero bad feelings surrounding her now. I went through periods of lots of anger and sadness and pain, but now I am able to view her as she is, just a human who fucked up. I have forgiven her, and Kay, and myself for all that happened and Nora, it honestly is the best feeling in the world to be able to have let that go. Repeat it? Never. But harbor it? Useless. Forgive it? Freedom.

She reached out to me to let me know, that she is considering a move to the Pacific Northwest, and possibly Portland. In the future. Maybe. And she wanted to respect the life I’ve created here and just make sure it didn’t make me uncomfortable. Of course that’s unnecessary, but kind nonetheless. I am happy to say that I could genuinely respond to her, without hesitation, that it wouldn’t make me uncomfortable, and that I think good things about her and I’d welcome her to Portland if she made that decision.

We are bigger than we know. So much bigger. If we choose to be.

That’s how I’ve been feeling these days. Bigger than I knew. I feel full and alive and just at the start of something. I am stepping up my self-love game. I think it’s time for me to start writing in earnest. It’s always been a dream of mine to write but also my biggest fear is to try that and fail and I’ve let that hold me back. I have been trying all the things lately that make me scared or uncomfortable. Getting my first tattoo (I say first, because now I just want more). Going to new groups and events to meet new people, that are outside of my comfort zone. Trying out with as a solo or small group for a choir song (I prefer hiding in the big group). Giving more of myself at work, even in areas I don’t feel confident. 

water / feminine divine / balance / creation / harmony

I am not anyone’s other half. I love just being a whole.

Why do I feel so alive when I’m not in a relationship? Is this just an indicator of a thirst that needs to be quenched? Or does it mean something else? Like… I am meant to be alone? And if I feel this strongly why do I still do a double take at a cute girl? I’m not sure, but I do know that I need to continue down this path.

I’m not going to lie, it hasn’t all been easy so far. It’s been almost 2 months since breaking up with Lily. I miss having someone to hold me at night sometimes—I love cuddling so much. I miss having a go-to person to tell things to. I miss sex. Good lord do I miss sex. I’m still aiming for 3 months being celibate but it is… a challenge. 

I’ve been spending some time with Hannah, one of the girls I had briefly dated this summer. That’s been really fun as we’ve been able to move past the dating side of things and begin a genuine friendship. (Elise and I have also been tentatively venturing into friendship territory. I have some mixed feelings about that, but so far it’s been a positive thing.) 

Is it possible to be in the honeymoon phase of singleness? Because if so, I think I’m in it. I can’t really say this without sounding like an ass, but I think I’m falling in love with myself a little bit.

Single and not ready to mingle,

Love, Ruth

P.S. Did you end things with Karina or Key? It sounded like you were right on the edge of that last time you wrote…

P.P.S. Magpie says hi to Toby.

The Quiet Between Breaths

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Dear Nora,

Thank you for your prompt response. Those were exactly the words I needed to hear on such a bummer of a Valentine’s Day. Your seed analogy was especially helpful and comforting! You are a wise one and I appreciate you taking the time to write and care.

My days have tossed me back and forth between two different moods: 1) OMG yes, I love being single, and 2) meh :-/

Your comment about having the kind of sad feeling about not being in love resonated with me. I feel very much whole, very much excited about my life, and very much well… yes, sad…or maybe… a little displaced. I’ve spent most of the last 10 years in a relationship or in a very short space between, during which I was crushing on someone new or crying about the previous person (or both). But now there is absolutely no one. It’s quiet and echoing in here and I think I’m about to get cozy in this big empty space that’s just me.

My favorite moment in swimming is the quiet space, when you grab some air, hold your breath and then put your head under and glide forward under water. Any noise around you goes away. And it’s just you and your limbs and your heartbeat and your thoughts, moving through the water weightlessly.

It feels like I am in that space right now. The quiet space between breaths. It feels like the space where I hear only my own thoughts, and I can reach, reach, reach and move myself forward.

I made a pledge to myself, again. (But for realz this time!) I’m spending 3 months being celibate (Feb-Apr). That will be the longest I’ve gone without sex since I became sexually active at age 21. I know myself well enough at this point to know that physical things are a distraction to me. And I don’t need that. I think it’s important that I’m not sucked into my next thing solely because I get emotionally entangled from a physical connection with someone. Ok, so in addition to the 3 months thing, I am doing 6 months (Feb-Jul) of not considering any new relationships. After 3 months I may start casually dating again, but I’m trying to hold off until the end of the summer before I consider anything “real” again. So help me god.

Side Note: It sounds so arrogant for me to be all like “I’m going to hold off of all these things” like there’s a line outside my door or something. But seriously, 3 and 6 months will be my record and it’s just because I fall into that shit way too fast and too easily and turn into a giggly school girl and I’m determined not to do that this time. Ugh, each sentence I write I feel like I’m jinxing myself. Send the army if I fail this time Nora! This is not a drill.

Luckily I currently feel so removed from “in love” feelings now that I’m having trouble recalling what those truly felt like. Why was I so controlled by them? Do they put me under some kind of spell? What if I’ve lost all ability to fall deeply in love? I’m afraid I’ll never “find what I once had”, like what I had for all those years of being head-over-heals, torturously in love with Kay, because I’ll never BE that girl again. I’ve lost that “me” because I’ve outgrown that version of myself. She believed in all sorts of magic—she lived in a blissfully ignorant and much smaller world. Sometimes I miss her. She was so content with her life because she knew nothing else. But  I can’t go back. I can never be her again, and even though I miss her sometimes, I don’t want to be her again. I’m just going to have to discover a new kind of magic. Or better yet, create my own.

If I know one thing right now, it’s that I don’t want this time to just be the “time between relationships”. I want this to be the period of growing, the time of knowing myself and loving myself. The time of “fuck yes, this is my life”. And it may last 6 months, or it may last 6 years before I find the connection that is truly worth me trading in my single life. But whatever amount of time it is, I won’t be twiddling my thumbs waiting for princess charming. Most importantly—I’m acknowledging that there’s a possibility that she may never come, I’m realizing that is ok too.

Here’s what I know: I only get one life—so I’m sure as hell going to allow myself to be as picky as I like about who I share it with.

I love being responsible for only myself (and Magpie). I love sleeping in my own bed sprawled out and spending my time how I please, and not having my experiences or schedule filtered through someone else’s moods or needs. I check my phone less because I’m not having to keep up any conversations throughout the day. I get more sleep, I listen to more music and I spend less money. I’ve been going to swim, and dancing more and giving myself more grace and positive self-talk. I’ve been filling my basket at the store with mostly healthy things and baking kale chips and eating lots of avocado and treating myself to dark chocolate that melts in my mouth. I love taking a bath for two hours full of bubbles and fancy bath oils and reading a book from the library and having to answer to no one except my kitten who has meowing conversations with me. The best part is feeling that no one else is entitled to my love and my time, except me. I don’t know why I’ve been savoring that so much, but it’s delicious and I think I was craving it.

I think that’s my confirmation that this is what I need. Being alone feels good and feels right to me.

What if I always feel that way? If I’m so happy on my own, why do I keep falling into relationships? I keep assuring myself that I’m not “one of those girls” who always has to be dating someone. But Nora, apparently I AM if my history is any indication! My therapist pointed out that there is probably some kind of need there that I’ve routinely just filled with a relationship, because it’s a comfortable role for me. The need itself is a good and normal thing, I just have to find other ways to meet it. So, what’s the need? I like having someone to help, to serve, to take care of. I like feeling needed. I like feeling like a good thing. I like being adored. As part of my challenge this year of being mindful, I need to focus on ways to fulfill those needs outside of a relationship.

Ok, I’m sorry for the quite long monologue of nothingness. You get the gist. Forever alone club it is! Thanks for the warm welcome back.

An update on Lily: We got together for a bite the other day because she wanted to share some things with me. She is exceeding all my expectations of handling things well and using this time and energy to take good care of herself. She had some roadblocks that were keeping her from fully accepting and loving herself and it is AWESOME to see the light in her eyes as she tells me about the work she’s doing to overcome those barriers. She said she feels like she’s been reborn and sees herself in a new way and she thanked me and told me I was the catalyst to start her on this path. I’m so proud of her, and very hopeful for friendship ahead for us.

An update on Magpie: she gets cuter every day and is my favorite person.

Now I want an update on you! How was the training in February for Crisis Counseling (that sounds intense)? How is yoga in March going (that sounds delightful–a month of free yoga? I’m hella jelly!)? How are Karina and Key? Have you talked to Cory at all? What was your Boston trip for? Updates updates! What are you doing on Wednesday to celebrate International Women’s Day?

fur-ever alone and cat-ing,

Love, Ruth

P.S. We have been writing each other for over a year now! I’m so proud of us.

P.P.S. One of my favorite songs right now is this one by Emily King, called BYIMM (by you I mean me). And it sounds a like a love song thanking a someone for being wonderful, but then you realize she’s thanking herself. When I googled the music video to send to you I was delighted to see it features Tituss Burgess (who is hilarious… I know him from The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt)!

Gutted

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Dear Nora,

Thank you for writing, I have missed you. I’m afraid my updates for you are far from the “perfect lesbian life”. I ended things with Lily about a week ago and this week has been one of a heavy heart. It gutted me to end it, but I knew it was the right thing to do. Let me go back and explain.

Everything was moving along swiftly and swimmingly with Lily and I honestly could not ask for a better girlfriend. But a few months in, a pit arose in my stomach and a small voice told me “this isn’t it for you, Ruth”. Per my habit, I told the voice to shut up and continued. There was nothing “wrong” in our relationship! We literally didn’t even fight! It was peaceful and easy and fun–we cooked together and took time apart and did all the adulting things. More than that, I was myself, fully, while being in it. The voice didn’t know what it was talking about.

Lily, Magpie & Me being goofy

But it persisted, and it grew louder. It was my gut speaking up. Eventually I started to listen to it, and after fighting it for a while longer, I gave in to the Truth. I was so happy with Lily. But I was not in love. I didn’t have the deepest kind of feelings I needed to have. I have a huge place for her in my heart, and think the world of her, but I didn’t have the butterflies, the excitement, the hunger and fire I needed to make this a long term relationship. Not everyone needs those things… but I know that I do. I had excitement and hope at the beginning of where I pictured us going, but something was missing for me–I realized as we dated–and I knew I wasn’t going to get there. The realization gave me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Unfortunately when it comes to relationships, the long term ones have to be a unanimous decision made by your body, your heart, your mind, and your gut or else they’ll unravel.

And there seemed to be some divided opinions amongst my body, mind, heart & gut that were unwilling to be swayed. The only right thing to do next was to be honest with Lily and to let her go, so that she can find someone who can be in 100%, the way she deserves. I felt a sense of urgency to end it sooner rather than later, since I was the first person to hold her heart like that–I knew the longer I waited the more damage it could do.

That was some of the most painful news I’ve ever had to deliver. She was so upset Nora. So angry and hurt and betrayed and heartbroken. She felt it was so unfair that I never gave her a chance to weigh in on the decision to end the relationship. She said she should have gotten a chance to fight for it. But I didn’t feel right allowing her to fight for something my gut told me was not mine to keep. It’s so hard to explain to someone that nothing is wrong with them, and that in fact they’re the most wonderful person, but still, you cannot stay.

Trust that the most compassionate thing of all is to release those we don’t love hard enough or true enough or big enough or right. Believe we are all worthy of hard, true, big, right love.

–“Brave Enough”, Cheryl Strayed

I beat myself up for a while for not being able to love her the right way, for not being able to give back to her what she was giving to me, in the long term way she deserved. But then I realized how futile that is, and how unfair to myself. So I reframed my self talk:

“It’s ok Ruth. It’s ok if you can’t give everyone, everything they need. It’s ok that you tried to love her in that way and ultimately couldn’t give her that. It’s ok that you went in thinking it would go a certain way and it went another way. You tried. You gave it your best. It’s ok to love someone and then realize they’re not the one for you. It’s ok to walk away. Be compassionate, be respectful, be kind, be thankful. It’s ok to take care of yourself and do what feels right in your gut. I give you permission to love and not end up with someone. I give you permission to listen to yourself.  It doesn’t make you heartless. It doesn’t make you a quitter. It doesn’t make you a liar. It makes you brave. It makes you honest.”

I don’t regret dating her, even though it caused her pain in the end. I know she will heal. I think we will both be stronger and the love we shared will leave more happy memories than sad ones. I know I learned a lot and I think she did too. She gave me a new kind of hope, that it is possible to be free and myself and not people-please in a relationship. I don’t know why she isn’t mine for sure Nora, but I am trusting it. I am trusting that I will know why some day, and I hope she will too. I am also holding out hope that she will be able to come back into my life as a friend, when she is ready. She wants that, too. We have a special connection, and even though it’s going to be different than what I thought, I think there is still something very much worth saving there.

I watched the visions I had for us and our future go out of focus in my mind. And it was like watching a different life that might have been mine, but wasn’t meant for me. Something else is meant for me and I feel it coming. I feel like there is hard work ahead for me this year, I feel like there is something for me to do, to work on, to become. And I feel like I am supposed to do it on my own, and that I will be alone for a while this time. I feel this calm sense of peace, but also the weight of something coming. It may just be growing pains. Whether I like it or not, I am making room for something bigger in my life.

So much in so little time, already in 2017. What else will this year hold? The current political climate has been like a living nightmare, watching it unfold. It is terrifying. I have been heartened by the outcry of people, by the uprising of so many–joining  together to fight to keep progress in place that has already been hard fought, and to push on ahead. Marching in the women’s march. Going to protests. Calling our representatives. I am going to focus on a few areas this year as well. First and foremost, I have come to realize I can only be an effective advocate and ally if I am truly educated to the experiences of others. And there is no excuse for ignorance. So I’m working to seek out the stories of those who have been oppressed in our country. The list is long, but I think starting by understanding better the lives and experiences of women of color especially will help me be able to better fight for my sisters. I have also felt really compelled to better understand and advocate for climate justice, especially as it effects social justice.

I’ve just been asking myself “How can I amplify the voices of those who are silenced?” “How can I share the stories of those who’s stories have been lost or untold?” The first step is to seek out those stories and hear those voices.

I’ve been really in awe and inspired by some powerful women who have charged ahead through endless obstacles throughout their lifetime, recently I got to hear Janet Mock and Dr. Melba Beals speak. I also finished reading Sisters in Law, about the first women on the Supreme Court and the fight for women’s legal equality–Ruth Bader Ginsberg is my personal hero. It was well timed with the women’s march.

Thank you for my hat!!!

I think you are right to focus on a few core issues. So that is where I am beginning. In addition to women of color and climate + social justice, I also feel called to work on building the bridge over the gap in this country. I know it is a huge gap. But the truth is Nora, I used to stand on the other side–growing up I thought George Bush was God’s gift to the earth and that nothing was more wrong than abortion and homosexuality. I feel ashamed of that now, but I honestly didn’t know any better and that was the “truth” I had been taught. And look where I’ve evolved to! Just a big-ole liberal lesbian living on the West Coast protesting Trump and marching for women’s rights. I know there are others over there who would do better if they knew better. I know there are others like me who can change. Maybe I can help them know better.

I am so excited for you and your SLAY goals this year. If anyone can SLAY, it’s you!! I’m happy to be here to encourage you along the way. I am glad we can encourage each other. With the breakup and the political clusterfuckness of this year so far, I am determined more than ever to be mindful of how I use my time and energy, how I treat myself, and to make the most of this year.

Love, Ruth

P.S. Send good thoughts into the universe for Lily when you think of it. She deserves all the good things this world has to offer.

P.P.S. THANK YOU FOR MY PUSSY HAT AND GAYEST PILLOW EVER. I love them so much. Everyone should buy things from your shop!!!

P.P.P.S. I compiled my list of intentions/things to work on this year too!