Monthly Archives: August 2016

Poly dates and other tales

Dear Ruth:

I am very proud of you for investing so much of yourself towards dating. It can be exhausting and disappointing to be honest, but it seems like you are having all the fun. I think different people have different views about what “the point” of dating is. Some think it is the means to an end, the way to find a partner to eventually settle with. Some people do it for the company, or the sex, or the attention (me, me, all of the above). Some people do it out of habit. And honestly, it does not matter. If dating is doing for you what you want it to be doing, if it’s fulfilling its purpose: enjoy it!

I am always jealous of all the camping and nature pictures that you post. I wish I could travel more often and/or camp. I just wanna be among nature, it is so calming.

Sunday dinner with my roommate

Sunday dinner with my roommate

In the romantic department I have updates: celibacy over 🙂  I decided to try this new website for open relationships and met a girl who I’ll call Princess. She is really cute BUT she’s not very experienced with women, which makes me sad because I don’t like being with lesbian virgins. The sex sucks and they still have to go through their whole coming out process. Ugh I already had mine, can I please get a break?

That same week, I went on a hiking date with a guy named Key, and it turns out Key and Princess had met the day before. Basically, we all met each other the same week on separate dates. So we planned to have a three people date and went to have Korean BBQ (which by the was was epic). I’ve seen them a few times only, but I really like the dynamic. And the sex, the sex is great. The two of them spend more time with each other than they do with me, and although this bothered me for a split second, it also makes me extremely happy because it lowers the expectations of HAVING to see someone every so often. I need something low key and casual. I want outings, adventures, attention, sex. But I also need to keep my head in the game of getting into medical school and making friends.

Going out with the dog NOT being social

Going out with the dog NOT being social

As of today, I have not attended any meet-ups like I said I was going to. I have been dealing with lots of other people’s drama and some work stuff. Now that the drama has winded down, I need to start prioritizing my process AGAIN. This is the cycle I find myself in. I am focused and centered: knitting, reading, doing my rituals, working out. Then something happens, drama, stress, sex, anything and I get distracted. I take my eyes off the process and engage with people, neglecting myself until I start to feel miserable and realize it’s because I have not had ME time. Balance It’s hard. Balance does not come naturally to me.

 

My current main stressor is the medical school application process. I have submitted 11 secondary applications as of today, I am waiting for some schools to send theirs as I am debating if I want to add more primary applications NOW or LATER. I don’t know if I am being inpatient or if I am being unwise. Usually applying early is better, but I have applied to schools that I REALLY REALLY want to go too. Any schools left on my list are places I am able/willing to attend, but not particularly excited about. Most of it has to do with LOCATION. I wanna be near NYC. I dont want to be in the city but  within drive-able distance, anywhere I can go visit the city for a random weekend and return home on a Monday for classes would be ideal.

What I need to do right now is chill. I need to relax and go on walks and runs and if by the end of September I have not had any interview invitations, then add more schools to my repertoire. The problem is that I suck at patience. I SUCK AT BEING PATIENT. OMG I cannot even wait for the microwave to beep. It’s fucking horrible. And there’s a few factors, besides my personal flaws, that make it hard to wait.

  1. I am ready to leave california. I stayed here for reasons that I could not control. I basically got stuck here and as grateful as I am for the opportunity to experience the Pacific South, I just have not found a single thing or a single person that anchors me enough. I want to go.
  2. I miss Cory. I want to see her and an interview for a school in the east coast means I get to see her. An acceptance in a school in the east coast means I get to date her. She has told me not to worry about her and to apply everywhere and focus on increasing my chances for admission. But, I want to be with her. I need to be with her. It’s not up to me though, again it’s up to medical school admission committees.
  3. I am old. I am reapplying, I tried this once and failed. I corrected a few mistakes I made last time I applied (applying early, more letters of recommendation, added research to my CV, etc) but the fact that I have been waiting to get into medical school since 2014 means my total wait will be 3 years. And 3 years is a lot.
  4. My friends are in medical school. I really wish I could be experiencing this with them, but for circumstances out of my reach I had to wait until this year to reapply. I am jealous about it, I am sad. I wanna start my education.

As you can probs tell, I have been stressing over this. I stare at my phone hoping for an email. And  I need to chill.

On a positive note, I am so extremely happy and grateful for my friends during this period though. they have managed to remove the biggest stressor of this all: money. The application is so competitive and expensive, that I did not have the resources to do it and thanks to crowd funding I am actually able to afford it. I can see people believe in me, so much that they would give me their money. Every time someone donates I want to cry of happiness. Just think about someone who has not had parental support of anyone give her anything through all of adulthood. Support feels great.

Luckily, you are going to be here this weekend and we are going to get to do all the things. I am hoping we can go to the beach, and hiking, and to West Hollywood to see the gayz in their natural habitat. I am also dog-sitting this weekend so I will have a canine visitor as well as a human visitor (you).

Thank you for writing to me and please dont let so much time pass. I need yo know about all these Portland lesbians I am missing out on.

Cannot wait to see your face (fuck patience)

Love,

Nora

 

Knowing your worth

Dear Nora,

You never need to apologize for writing me about your hard days. Of course don’t take it down! For two reasons: one—it is real life and that’s what we’re writing about, and two—I’m going to have those days too, and I want to feel free to include them in my letters. Even when things are dark and not a sliver of light shows through.

I knew you had asthma as a child, but I had no idea to what degree it affected your life and family and childhood. I can’t imagine the memories that come flooding back when you get sick with something like bronchitis. Is that a part of why you are going to become a doctor? Or your experiences as an immigrant outside of the healthcare system?

You said “The homelessness that I try so hard to evade, instead invaded me.” While that is devastatingly poetic, it is also heartbreaking. I’m so proud of you for calling your friends, even if they’re not emergency contacts, even if they’re not “home”. They’re there. And “there” goes a long way. I think our lives our essentially just a story about the people who show up. You’re such a beautiful human being my dear, I have no doubt that the wonderful vibes you’re putting out into the world are going to attract some equally amazing humans. But I know that’s now for you, so it’s not helpful. I’m so sorry you’re hurting.

Thank you for spoiling me with two letters and patiently waiting for me to reply. I was telling my friend it’s like Christmas morning whenever I get a new letter from you. I am so impressed by your celibacy and crafting! The boxes are beautiful!

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Camping up in the Olympic National Park this past weekend with friends (including this cute doggie Jazzy!)

 

This is going to sound obnoxious: but it’s an adjustment to not have a partner to have sex with. As a serial monogamist, I’ve just taken for granted that I can have that on the regular. Thus, the online dating. Here’s an update on what I’ve learned so far:

  1. I’m actually not bad at dating. I always thought I would be awkward and shy, but it turns out, after I get over the first few minutes of nerves, I am a great date (brushes off shoulder). I am good at asking questions and carrying conversation, and I laugh a lot and I think even flirt? Still working on that part. I have genuine interest in lots of things and I’m happy with who I am and I think that comes across and I make others feel comfortable too.
  2. It takes all kinds of kinds. There’s someone out there for everyone’s tastes. And as it turns out, there are a few ladies out there who actually like my particular variety of cuteness. I am still surprised every time I discover that.
  3. It really takes off a lot of the goddamn pressure that I’m not looking for a partner right now. I don’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend at the moment (I’ve never truly said that and meant it before), and at this stage that feels very freeing. Because that pressure is off, I am not trying to “convince” anyone I’ll make a good long-term partner, so I’m a lot less filtered and just being free and myself. I feel more light-hearted.
  4. Dating more than one girl at the same time is so foreign to me. But this has also helped take off pressure. I’ve been up front with anyone I’ve gone on a date with about this and so far it’s been received just fine, and dates have led to second dates and third dates and I’m having fun just getting to know some really cool girls who are quite different than anyone I’ve dated before.
  5. When I’m in a relationship, I don’t really get crushes. At least, they don’t develop very far in my mind and I hardly notice them. But holy shit when I’m single… I am getting all sorts of crushes and thinking about lots of possibilities. I think it’s been a good mental exercise of picturing myself with different types of people. (It also doesn’t help that I am horny AF without a girlfriend.)
  6. So far the feelings haven’t been a problem. I mean, other than crushing and just excitement at getting know people I find interesting, nothing overwhelming has taken over and I’ve been able to not get too caught up. I’m proud of me!

I think the only part I’m really struggling with right now is… where does this go? What is the end game? It’s so hard-wired in me that dating leads to relationships. I still know ultimately I will want that again, a monogamous relationship with a partner. But I don’t want that now. So where will these fun new explorations lead? Maybe that’s the point… that’s why they’re explorations because we don’t know where they lead. I guess I’m just not good with that uncertainty.

You’re going to meet-ups! That’s awesome. I’ve made some great friends through meet-ups and just generally it helped me feel less alone after I moved here. I don’t really love the ones that are just like “meet and greets” because it feels more awkward to introverts such as myself, but any activity-based outing, such as playing kickball or board games or book clubs or capture the flag have been so much fun. I think if nothing else, it’s a good reminder that there are a lot of other people in your town who feel kind of alone too, and are also looking for connections… I find that comforting. We’re all alone, but also, kind of in the same boat. Now I see when Elise has RSVP’d for the same events as me though, so I’ve been going to less. But conveniently, I’ve been filling up my time with friends and dates and me-time anyway, so it’s ok.

If last month’s theme was “restoration” for me, this month’s is “know your worth”. I had this fear that if I stop dating these fun life-of-the-party girls I would stop being invited to things.

But the truth is, I’m pretty fucking spectacular on my own, and it turns out people like having me around just for me.

I already “knew” that, but I’m starting to really believe it. I feel a bit like I’m starting over in Portland. Defining myself apart from her, knowing my worth apart from her.

I made this list of things for therapy that make me feel happy and like “me”, back when I was still with Elise and really struggling with some anxiety and depression. At the time I had to consciously make myself do them. The other day I pulled out the list and I had done every single one of those eight things that week without even trying. Being alone has allowed me to naturally take care of myself, and it just fills me up to overflowing and I have more energy to give to others now too. It’s like the more I invest in myself, the more there is to invest in others.

took a selfie in the elevator because I was feeling exceptionally cute that day before a date

took a selfie in the elevator because I was feeling exceptionally cute that day before a date

My “body issues” feel so fucking cliché it makes me mad just thinking about it. The fact that I look in a mirror and care that I have “extra weight” bothers me 1,000x more than the weight itself. When I don’t focus on a stupid arbitrary standard of what my body “should” look like to “be sexy” then I actually often feel sexy and healthy and good. Unfortunately, it is drowned out far too often by a voice calling out my imperfections. That voice speaks a message so far off of my values that I’m embarrassed I can even hear it. I told my friend the other day “I just find it hard to believe I’m anyone’s actual type. I’m too big to be skinny, but not quite big enough for plus size, I’m just this awkward in-between.” So I relate to you on the “not enough” fears. I likewise have never been the most feminine or masculine, just sort of a blah in-between. I guess that would sum up my general feelings on my body… I’m a blah in-between.

So those are my fears and issues. Luckily that’s not the whole story. I’m learning and working to love myself better. To physically accept myself as-is, and not just waiting to love myself when I’m x number of pounds thinner. Honestly, part of that lately has just been accepting affection and attention and compliments, without holding my breath thinking it’s only a matter of time before she sees my imperfections.

I don’t want to be yet another woman who lives her whole life in disgust and displeasure with her own body. What an utter waste, and a sad way to inhabit my physical self. I am healthy and strong and yes, even sexy. My body deserves love and acceptance and care.

I am so excited for whatever you have planned for us in L.A. I’ll be there soon!

Love, Ruth

P.S. take your vitamins (I liked your smiley face calendar system, by the way)

A decent letter

Dear Ruth,

Thank you for waiting patiently until I am able to answer you properly. I am sorry that my last letter was such a downer. I thought about taking it down but then realized the down moments are just as real as everything else, so I kept it.

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Every day in July that I did not have sex. Success!

Detox July worked very well for me. I feel like I am more in touch with myself and my body. Especially after getting bronchitis towards the end, it felt almost…cleansing. I am still debating if I am going to continue to be celibate or if I am ready to put myself “out there”.

I did a lot of thinking about it during the bronchitis week as I crafted these pretty boxes. They are wrapped in pieces from the maps and brochures I collected during the trip.

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I was talking to my therapist about why I keep answering Trace’s messages if I am pretty clear they don’t belong in my life. We came to the conclusion that it is because I am bored and lonely. So I wanna try to be less bored and less lonely so I can stay away from unhealthy people and toxic dynamics. I 100% believe we were together out of loneliness, especially since I met them at such a vulnerable moment: I had just broken up with my ex (we were still living together), I did not have a single friend in LA, etc. They are also a loner and could use the attention. This is the kind of bond that I do NOT want. Ever again.

That being said, I am going to start going to meet-ups, which I have tried before to no avail. And just being more social, which I suck at because people are evil. But I figured I have a year left in LA and I want to make the best of it. I don’t want any more heartbreak or intense feelings or crazy bitches. I just wanna go outside, share time with others and get some attention. Sounds so simple, but it’s so complex.

I am planning on getting involved in all the queer and polyamorous meet-ups and groups that I can find. I wanna be surrounded by my peoples!

I oscillate, with pendulum like precision, between “I’m never dating again because humans suck” and “I want attention, please date me”.

Since I cannot make my mind up, I am allowing the dichotomy to exist until the scales tip one way or the other. It’s weird to be in love with someone in the back of your mind, like I am with Cory. She’s so present and so absent at the same time. She’s real in my heart but fully removed from my reality. I don’t know if we’ll ever be together and it’s not up to me, more up to my medical school location.

I am happy to hear about your restoration. It’s huge that you are able to be friends with Kay and stay away from Elise until you heal. I cannot believe Elise found you in a bar and you guys had a moment. HOW GAY! It sucks that you are still in love with her and it bothers you to see her with someone else. And for the record, you are not being mean and cold. You are being a responsible human, doing self preservation and prioritizing yourself. That my friend is maturity.

I cannot believe Elise: she has a new gf, makes sure you know that she’s SO over you, expects you to be her friend and be “happy for her”. Bitch, please. BYE.

You owe her nothing. You do not owe her love or friendship or even a text back. You take care of yourself (she’s doing that, isn’t she?) and live happily ever after among cats.

I am incredibly proud of you for joining the world of online dating and I desperately need updates. I am curious to see how the relationship between sex and feelings changes in your head. Getting outside of your comfort zone is always a good step towards change. If you want things to be different you need to ACT differently. I have to go out and be social (ugh) in order to be less lonely and bored, and hence less vulnerable to unhealthy patterns. You get to go on dates and have some NSA fun in order to stay out of relationships, which is your pattern.

That my friend is putting in the work. Doing things that do not come naturally to us. We deserve an award.

I am curious about your body issues and where they originate from. I feel like the queer community can be very accepting of all kinds of looks, but there’s also a jugful eye out for the “not gay enough. Like us. The theme of my body issues is “not enough”, not masculine enough to read as gay, but not feminine enough for Colombian standards, not thin enough to be stick size, not thick enough to be plus size.

What kind of body issues do you struggle with?

To answer your question about August, my monthly challenge is to take my vitamins. I have been terribly undisciplined with them. I am also hoping to get laid but I don’t want to go out of my way for it. I am hoping there are cute people at the polyamorous meet-ups, would not mind dating a couple.

I am planning our weekend together in LA and I cannot wait for you to get here.

Hurry Up

Love,

Nora

PS. Got this done. 

earring

 

Alone-ness

TRIGGER WARNING: It’s depressing. If you are having a bad day, do not read it.

Dear Ruth:

I try to not be a complete self absorbed asshole and respond to your last letter as I update on my life but today I cannot. This letter is going to be a word vomit of my pain and my loneliness and all the negative feelings that have been roaming my heart.

First, I should tell you that I am PMSing. Hence, depression comes by to say hi, every month on schedule. Sometimes I nod to it and smile, acknowledging its existence but not giving in. This time I have little energy left after the hell of a week I have had, and it has me.

Wednesday morning I woke up with a cough. It seemed like an average cold except my body was in pain, I attributed muscle ache to the PMS and went to work for the next two days. Thursday night I drugged myself on cough medicine and went to bed. I woke up in a puddle of boogers, drool and my sweat. I showered and got dressed for work before realizing that I was not functional. Friday morning at 7am, before it even opened I was at the door of the Urgent Care Clinic. Dr. said it was bronchitis and I got pain meds and antibiotics. Jayne and Pixie came over to hang and brought me plenty of fluids.

I spent all Friday and most of Saturday on the couch. Having difficulty breathing until I realized it was not getting better. Second trip to Urgent Care Saturday night. I ended up getting a shit load more drugs to deal with the shortness of breath and had to buy a nebulizer the next morning, so I can give myself the treatments and not run to the clinic every time I am suffocating.

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At Urgent Care, Saturday night.

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At home with the nebulizer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Besides the constant feeling an asphyxia, the random pains, spasms, fever, a nose that has been running marathons the last few days and other even grosser symptoms, I have to deal with regression. I have had asthma since childhood. I spent says, sometimes weeks in the hospital. It changed my upbringing and made me into the melancholic over thinker I am. You become this way when you near death pretty often.

Pixie and Toby at the pharmacy waiting with me

Pixie and Toby at the pharmacy 

My entire immediate family were having a trip this weekend to Cartagena, Colombia, a few hours away from Barranquilla where they live to see some cousins that went to visit from the US. My friends in New York City were having Dinner somewhere in Bay Ridge. Cory was moving into her new dorm. I felt so alone. And for good parts of the weekend I was not alone at all. I saw my rooomate, my ex, Jayne and my friend Pixie who took me to UC visit 2 and drove me around to get the medicine and the nebulizer.

But I felt so alone. I felt the weight of the life I chose for myself away from my family into a vast land of loving strangers where I will always be foreign. The homelessness that I try so hard to evade, instead invaded me. I could not think of an emergency contact. I did not know who to tell at first that I was sick. The only person who I told how miserable I was was my BFF who lives in NYC.

I was stuck in regression. I remembered bitterly the times I ran to the ER with Trace and how I dont have someone to do that with me. I remember the times in New York where I would go weeks sick. Undocumented and uninsured, I was always afraid of the seeking medical attention. My roommate worked at a pharmacy and would get me antibiotics under the table. I would get inhalers as gifts from random kind people who understood. Dragged myself to the ER more than once though, always alone.

Regress even more into childhood. My family made miserable by my health problems. My insurance card got lost EVERY single time. My father would yell and become violent. I cannot stand him to this day. My mother taking care of me, my sisters, my brother, her job, finances and her abusive unfaithful good for nothing backward glance of a husband. Asthma the only inheritance I received from him. I left them I escaped. I moved away from this dysfunctional shitty environment and chose the American Dream.

Here I am, so many years later still as alone and just as broken. Hustling, fighting struggling. On my own for a while now (eleven years of independence to be exact), my resilience is exhausted. I want my reward for all those years of hard work. I want to not have to worry about money when I am sick (I have insurance though, which is a HUGE progress from where I started). I want partners who meet me all the way and commit. WHY DO MOTHERFUCKERS NOT COMMIT!?!?!?!?!?

I just wanna stay with someone and share life. I am tired of break ups, falling in love with the wrong people, dysfunction, disappointment, abandonment. I am tired of being the orphan, the homeless wanderer, the ship without a port. I want to look at a form, see the words Emergency Contact and not cringe. I want to have someone near, who I know will be there.

This may never change. Someone may or may not come. I may one day or perhaps never have a family. And I live every day in patience, love, and gratitude. Ignoring the uncertainty and rising above the loneliness. But not today. Today I feel how alone I am in every cell of my body and every crevice of my soul.

I am going back to work tomorrow. I hope is up from here and that I menstruate soon enough to stop lamenting. I am sorry if this letter is not what you are used. I have to live with this gigantic monster called depression that sometimes chews its way of the cage.

Thank you for reading this and I hope it was not too self piteous.

I promise you a decent piece of epistolary literature next time, when it stops raining inside my head.

Love

Nora

My only emergency contact

My only emergency contact