Thank you for waiting patiently until I am able to answer you properly. I am sorry that my last letter was such a downer. I thought about taking it down but then realized the down moments are just as real as everything else, so I kept it.
Detox July worked very well for me. I feel like I am more in touch with myself and my body. Especially after getting bronchitis towards the end, it felt almost…cleansing. I am still debating if I am going to continue to be celibate or if I am ready to put myself “out there”.
I did a lot of thinking about it during the bronchitis week as I crafted these pretty boxes. They are wrapped in pieces from the maps and brochures I collected during the trip.
I was talking to my therapist about why I keep answering Trace’s messages if I am pretty clear they don’t belong in my life. We came to the conclusion that it is because I am bored and lonely. So I wanna try to be less bored and less lonely so I can stay away from unhealthy people and toxic dynamics. I 100% believe we were together out of loneliness, especially since I met them at such a vulnerable moment: I had just broken up with my ex (we were still living together), I did not have a single friend in LA, etc. They are also a loner and could use the attention. This is the kind of bond that I do NOT want. Ever again.
That being said, I am going to start going to meet-ups, which I have tried before to no avail. And just being more social, which I suck at because people are evil. But I figured I have a year left in LA and I want to make the best of it. I don’t want any more heartbreak or intense feelings or crazy bitches. I just wanna go outside, share time with others and get some attention. Sounds so simple, but it’s so complex.
I am planning on getting involved in all the queer and polyamorous meet-ups and groups that I can find. I wanna be surrounded by my peoples!
I oscillate, with pendulum like precision, between “I’m never dating again because humans suck” and “I want attention, please date me”.
Since I cannot make my mind up, I am allowing the dichotomy to exist until the scales tip one way or the other. It’s weird to be in love with someone in the back of your mind, like I am with Cory. She’s so present and so absent at the same time. She’s real in my heart but fully removed from my reality. I don’t know if we’ll ever be together and it’s not up to me, more up to my medical school location.
I am happy to hear about your restoration. It’s huge that you are able to be friends with Kay and stay away from Elise until you heal. I cannot believe Elise found you in a bar and you guys had a moment. HOW GAY! It sucks that you are still in love with her and it bothers you to see her with someone else. And for the record, you are not being mean and cold. You are being a responsible human, doing self preservation and prioritizing yourself. That my friend is maturity.
I cannot believe Elise: she has a new gf, makes sure you know that she’s SO over you, expects you to be her friend and be “happy for her”. Bitch, please. BYE.
You owe her nothing. You do not owe her love or friendship or even a text back. You take care of yourself (she’s doing that, isn’t she?) and live happily ever after among cats.
I am incredibly proud of you for joining the world of online dating and I desperately need updates. I am curious to see how the relationship between sex and feelings changes in your head. Getting outside of your comfort zone is always a good step towards change. If you want things to be different you need to ACT differently. I have to go out and be social (ugh) in order to be less lonely and bored, and hence less vulnerable to unhealthy patterns. You get to go on dates and have some NSA fun in order to stay out of relationships, which is your pattern.
That my friend is putting in the work. Doing things that do not come naturally to us. We deserve an award.
I am curious about your body issues and where they originate from. I feel like the queer community can be very accepting of all kinds of looks, but there’s also a jugful eye out for the “not gay enough. Like us. The theme of my body issues is “not enough”, not masculine enough to read as gay, but not feminine enough for Colombian standards, not thin enough to be stick size, not thick enough to be plus size.
What kind of body issues do you struggle with?
To answer your question about August, my monthly challenge is to take my vitamins. I have been terribly undisciplined with them. I am also hoping to get laid but I don’t want to go out of my way for it. I am hoping there are cute people at the polyamorous meet-ups, would not mind dating a couple.
I am planning our weekend together in LA and I cannot wait for you to get here.
PS. Got this done.