Tag Archives: romance

Big Love

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Holy shit Nora,

I am so sorry for what you are going through with Toby. I wish he could talk to you too. But I know he’d just say “Nora, you’ve taken such good care of me and I love you so much”. It is breaking my heart that this decision is falling on you. I hope for your sake he passes on his own. I don’t think it’s selfish for you to want that at all. Someone making that decision for someone they love so much is such a fucked up thing to have to do, but I know it is unavoidable sometimes. Is there someone who can be there with you if it comes to that? I don’t want you to do this on your own! Call a friend from New York and have them hop on a train. Get some support there, stat. I mean it.

Your story of the bird was beautiful and sad, but I’m glad you received that message from the universe. It’s ok for you to not know what to do here. It’s ok for you to not be able to pull the plug. It’s ok for you to not be ready to let go.

There is no right and wrong here. Sometimes there’s just an unfair and sucky situation. You love the shit out of that little dog, and any way you choose to handle this ending is right.

Have every ounce of compassion for yourself you can muster. Toby wants that for you. He knows how much you love him, no matter what. This is NOT an easy one to let go of, temporary as all things are. I know you accept that things can’t be forever, but that doesn’t mean you have to be ok with it. That doesn’t make it not hurt like hell.

It feels kind of dumb talking about my intergalactic rainbows when you’re going through this. Even though my head is in the clouds right now, I’m still here Nora! Seriously reach out if you need someone to talk to going through this. Or text me. Or email. Just don’t do this alone. I know you CAN do it alone. But you don’t need to.

My intergalactic girl is named Jessie. She came out of nowhere (well, technically we met through mutual friends). My fear over the past couple of years has been that something inside me broke after Kay and I’d lost the ability to fall deeply in love in a lasting way. Like I was destined forever to find wonderful people, but not have all of the passion & peace I once had. Meeting Jessie has not only proven that fear wrong to me, but exceeded all of my expectations of what I could feel for someone.

Me, in love.

Please excuse me while I wax poetic for a bit.

I’ve never felt so sure of a relationship. On my deepest soul level.

This experience is so profound I’m lacking vocabulary for it. Is there something in Spanish to describe this? “In love” doesn’t do it justice. In love sounds like my heart–but this is all of my cells, and my heart and soul and brain… lit up. That’s what it is… she lights something in me that no one has ever lit before, something I didn’t know was there. That’s the best way I can describe it.

I realize by normal measurements of time this doesn’t make any sense. But I feel like it’s being measured on a different level. Nothing else has felt this balanced. We’re both all in. How the actual fuck does that happen??

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I have been in love before and dated wonderful people. I’m not discrediting those experiences. But I have never fallen so hard and so right, so that something has felt this good. I’m having trouble touching back down to earth.

My heart doesn’t feel big enough to contain all that I’m feeling and I’m afraid it’s going to explode. In so little time!

I feel like loving her is going to expand my heart bigger than it’s ever been.

All of my gut stuff and resistance stuff feels like it makes sense now. Yes I was mad at it, (I didn’t realize you hate my gut too! You should join the official “we hate Ruth’s gut club”). But it’s like I was trying to guard this spot for her, but I didn’t know that’s what I was doing. My gut has just been doing a happy dance since I met her, and it’s like I felt this big sigh of relief. The resistance and restlessness is gone. No more fighting my singleness or dating-ness. No more arbitrary dates or goals or fighting for balance. I am exactly where I want to be. I want to be hers. I want her to be mine. Signed, sealed, delivered.

Do you think there are things that are parts of us that exist outside of time and place and know better than our present selves?

I know I sound like I’m on drugs right now, and honestly it feels that way a little bit. We are both afraid the other person is going to snap out of it, while simultaneously insisting that “I am not going to”. From the outside I’m sure we’re insufferable. When I’m around her I just want to… stare into her eyes and have some point of physical contact at all times. When I’m not around her I think of her all the time. I cannot NOT smile when I’m looking at her. I laugh all the time. I cuddle in as close as humanly possible and it’s still not close enough. I want to know every layer of her that makes her who she is. The good and the bad.

be still, my heart

Physically I feel so, so good with her Nora. We have a shit ton of chemistry and it’s like I just can’t get enough of her. Everything about her turns me on and it’s like she IS a strand of a drug designed just for me. It’s flowed so naturally and is amplified by all of the out-of-this-world feels.

I keep trying to confirm that she is real and not a dream. I will report back here if I discover she’s been an illusion all along. But it does feel like I’ve met my actual dream girl, and even though the romantic side of me is ready to accept that reality, the cynical, logical side of me is still saying “whaaa?? this is too good to be true…” 

I swear I haven’t lost all sense. It’s just…. it’s worth it. No matter what happens. She’s worth it. I’d risk it all for her. Even if this ends in my heart totally broken—I can’t not try with her. I suppose I may read these words later and weep. But I know I’m not going to regret going all in. I believe I deserve a really big love, and I’m doing this for myself. 

If you meet your dream girl, and you have a chance with her, is there really any other way to proceed other than going all in? Faint heart never won fair lady, after all.

Time is going to teach me things in this. I know it’s early. I know we have so much to learn about each other. My eyes are open. I haven’t forgotten the lessons the past 3 years have taught me. I feel that I am only here right now because of the things I’ve learned. I am only ready for her because of the work I’ve done for myself.

Ok, I think that’s probably enough for one letter. I don’t want your eyes to get tired from all of the eye rolling. 😛 Just accept me as I am Nora! You know I’m a hopeless romantic.

We received a really beautiful letter from a reader who I will call Jane. I am going to publish it shortly. I’m still thinking about a reply. I know it is addressed to me, but I think it’d be valuable for both of us to weigh in on it if that’s something you’d like to do. Look for it soon!

I love you and I’m sending all the good thoughts and love to you and Toby.

Love, Ruth

Cogela Suave

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Dear Ruth, 

You can not make this shit up. Two letters ago the world was ending and now it’s all explosive love and intergalactic rainbows? SOUNDS LIKE YOU!!!! 

I am not going to spoil this for you with my cynicism because TBH, it’s not worth it. You sound excited and all happy. But what I like the most is that you sound sure. See? the last few times I do not think you were ever this sure. Like cookie baking possessed by aliens sure.  Your gut -who I intensely hate- has not come up to whisper things in your ear. 

This is you in your past break ups:

Also tell me about the sex, is it fireworks? or more like fireflies? 

In other wordly news, I took the quiz you sent and got a 77. I guess it has sucked 77% of the time? Maybe I am too hard on myself. 

I am on a small break this weekend, in between summer and fall session. It’s only a few days but it feels nice to come up for air. Tobias had a bad weekend last weekend and I was ready to pull the plug. I made the “appointment” to have him euthanized today but I could not go through with it. I always say I am the kind of person that can easily let go of people because I accept that they are temporary. 

I am definitely not that person right now. I wish Toby could speak and tell me he’s in pain, or annoyed or tired. I just want to be 100% sure that I will know when is time. I thought it was but I just could not. Fail euthanasia attempt :/ I got some more meds to try to help his breathing, which is the current issue. Let’s see what happens. 

Sometimes I also wish he’d just die on his own. Is that selfish? Like why do I have to make this choice? I don’t wanna. It hurts too much. 

But the universe, She got my back. 

I walked out of  my failed vet appointment feeling all sorts of way, with my cancer patient still in tow. And I found a little bird. A little ordinary city bird, reminded me a little of Birdie Sanders. He could not fly. Or walk. Something was broken, seems like half of his body was semi paralyzed but there was no sign of damage or any blood. 

I picked it up, examined it, Tried to find the cause of the pain. Was it a broken leg? a broken wing? both? I could not figure it out. I debated for good 10 minutes what to with it. I considered nursing it back to life but not knowing what was wrong I really would not know what to do. I wondered if there was somewhere I could take him, and then it occurred to me that maybe it was his time. I don’t know how old this bird is, it could be really old and just…ready. It crossed my mind to put him out of his misery before a cat find him on the ground and eats him. 

As expected, I could not do it. I could so easily break this creature’s neck and he won’t have to struggle anymore or suffer a painful end. Maybe even starve. I could not do it. I just could not. Maybe I don’t have it in me to kill an animal. I am all pro euthanasia, even in humans. But I could not physically do it. 

It hit me that I am being unrealistic with this process with Toby. I have been saying, I will know when is time for sure. I will be certain. I will do what needs to be done..blah blah blah. But here I was unable to make that decision for a street bird who is most likely going to die soon if his wing does not start working. A bird I had just met who, one could say, means nothing to me. 

I took pictures because i knew this story would be so fantastical to hear:

I am back at zero. Not knowing right from wrong. Just loving my furry son for as long as I can. 

 

Nothing new in my dating life. Have not made friends in school yet. One girl seems promising. I tried going out with my classmates this week after finals, but I got there and got drunk too quick and had to leave. I am such a social fail. It’s hard for nerds, you know. 

 

 

I hope the torch of love burning in your chest keeps your path lighted. 

I saw you got a letter from a reader and cannot wait to see your reply. 

Please take it easy with this girl, that’s the tile of this letter by the way: Cogela Sueva. Or if you wanna try the Spaniglish version it goes “Cogela con takeiteasy”. 

Love,

Nora

PS. The tarot does not take YES/NO questions. Think of something open ended.

 

Oh no, you didn’t.

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Dear Ruth:

WTF. WTF. WTF.

Two letters ago you had just fallen out of love with Elise and now you are ready for  a relationship? Six weeks yo, six weeks to your birthday! You almost almost made it. It was so close ugh. Why?

Actually, don’t answer that. I know why.

I want to be happy for you Ruth, but I am afraid. I must admit this does feel different in many levels: you took your time getting to know her, you are not compromising your needs, she’s willing to wait for you, etc.  You have what polyamorous people label as NRE: new relationship excitement. When you start with someone and you are full of sparks and roses. I know all about it. I am curious to see how this develops and how it’s going to change you.

I am excited for your excitement and I think I found this Lily on the Instagram. I look forward to following this new romantic adventure of yours.

On my end, I am struggling. I am struggling with a lot of things.

I was struggling at work and I advocated for myself, which helped in different ways especially in keeping me busier. Which in turn, keeps me away from my email and less stressed about school stuff. On that end, Mars has spoken and his words were not kind. I have gotten two rejections and no interviews as of today. I must say that is rather early in the cycle (most schools interview into March) but I submitted my app sooooo early. I am struggling to remain patient, but at least the days are going faster now.

This takes me to the next struggle: Plan B. I need to figure out what happens if I don’t get into Medical School and where I will be in a year. I have like 20 ideas but I also have no idea. I wanna be near Cory but I also don’t want to make life decisions based on feelings. This in turn, leads me to my emotional struggles: I’m unhappy with my romantic situation. Key and Princess are wonderful people and we’ve been having great times. We actually went camping this weekend.

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I am unhappy because, first  Princess is not really gay. She identifies as heteroflexible and I am not all that sure how flexible, flexible is flexible. I miss being wanted by a woman and a woman’s touch. We talked and we are going to be friends and continue to date Key, Second and most annoyingly: BABIES. My body decides that once a month I’m at risk of getting pregnant. It’s so stressful to have to worry about contraception  Honestly, the idea of accidental pregnancy bothers me a lot. There’s suddenly a human growing inside of me without my consent? Ugh.

This feels way too familiar. I become discontent with people so quickly. My ex used to say I have chronic dissatisfaction. I probably do.

ON TOP of struggling with my California romances, I am struggling with the Cory situation. I am afraid I am getting lost in the sauce and is clouding my judgement. I want to be with her, I wanna be present, I want to be close. But at the same time, I don’t wanna make big decisions based on another person. I already moved across the country for someone once. I wanna go where the next step on my career is, not wherever my significant other lives. .

It’s hard to live missing people and that is how the last 13 years of my life have been. Never fully at home, always longing, always carrying a burden of nostalgia.

I am unhappy with Cory because she’s going to be in NYC for the next 4-5 years if not more. She’s living the dream and if I move there she’ll have everything she’s ever wanted. Me, in other hand, I am not sure if I can live with the uncertainty of whether she would ever do something that big for me. I have to realize that, sadly, I don’t trust her.

screenshot_2016-10-09-01-41-40Which leads me to the last of the struggles for today: Dating PTSD. Ever since Trace, I cannot trust anyone. I don’t believe anyone who says they love me or that they care about me. I don’t know if Cory seriously thinks of me as partner material (this has a history though). I don’t know how I am going to be able to tell someone lying anymore, I thought I was good at that. Until this person dragged me along for a year pretending to care and I swallowed it whole. It makes me distrust people, it makes me wanna never be intimate with someone. I feel like I naked my soul to a person and they took a picture of it and posted it on facebook. They totally missed the point and violated my heart in the process. I have worked so hard in the healing process but it has been five months and I am exhausted. I don’t wanna do emotional work anymore, I just want to chill and knit all the things.

My best friend Abby was the first to point out how affected I still am by that last break up, how scarred. And I see it and it hurts. I made a mistake, I did not protect my heart, I gave myself away, I wasted a year of my life, I understand it, I accept it, I forgive myself for it.

WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO DO TO FEEL LIKE MYSELF AGAIN?

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I read this poem by Wanheed and it touched me. The opposite happened to me with Trace: I am darker, more jaded, less human. I was not loved. I was used. 

Not all is gloom and doom though. I am actually visiting NYC in a couple of weeks. Gonna see my friends, cousins and Cory of course. I am very excited and counting the days back.

I hope this letter was not too decrepit for you. I did not want to ruin your happiness with my sorrows but this is my reality.

Please have all the love and magic with Lily, you deserve it. Make sure you have enough for the both of us.

Love,
Nora

PS. Seriously though WTF?