I write this letter to you as I gaze into the void of the garden state. I am crossing NJ in my way to New York City to meet up with some friends and go upstate to someone’s birthday. I feel slightly guilty about doing, but there’s no guilt-free pleasures anymore. I was trying to watch some lectures bu the wifi is spotty and it annoyed me. I know it has been a long time since I wrote and I am sorry it took me so long. Every break I get it’s mostly spent sleeping, or doing some sort of self care thing in order to stay sane. This school thing is really hard.
Let me begin by addressing the biggest hardest change, rather briefly: Toby died. He died on August 8th, 2017. I have so much to say about grief but I will be making a letter to explore just that. I am not quite ready to say anything other than I miss him every day.
The week after Toby died I had my first official graduate school test in biochemistry. I got an F for effort. The second test (yes I am already on round 2 although I’ve been in school for less than two months) I got a B for badass. So that improved. Then I took my first microanatomy test, got another F for effort and to be fair I deserved it. I was so focused on recovering from the biochemistry F that I neglected the other subject and crammed it in like 48 hours. I was so so exhausted I was falling asleep during the test.
I have been reaching levels of exhaustion I had forgotten existed. I have dreams about the material, I am always catching up with something. There’s so much to learn at all times. It’s really overwhelming. I am making sure I take care of myself as much as possible while also doing well in school. It sucks because I really want to excel, I am tired of being average to below average. I want to be at the top of class and I do my best but, really, I don’t know how to. Between Toby’s passing and failing tests I have had a pretty rough start.
The fact that I recovered in biochemistry makes me hopeful since I feel I can re-design my methods to work better the next time around. Medical education, they say, it’s like sipping from a hose. So much is thrown your way and you just try to swallow as much as possible. I need to keep my GPA on the higher end in order to matriculate into medical school next year, so the pressure to succeed is on.
~end rant about school~
Here are some nice pics of Philly, I am loving the place!
The flame in Washington Square is ever burning, the brush with paint drop is my favorite sculpture so far. Then, a random highway somewhere.
On other wordly news, I am very unimpressed with Philadelphia women, and men to be totally honest. I have been on a few dates that lead nowhere and with a people who are mostly fake. I thought I had a good prospect when I met this queer polyamorous couple who are also kinky and seemed very interesting. We went on a few dates and made out, I was so looking forward to having an all girl threesome. But then they stood me up. This was last night, they showed up more than an hour late to a date that one of them planned, picked the time and the place. Like, WHY?!?!?! I know shit happens and I am trying not to be a bitch here, but having TWO people stand you up is double the humiliation. They were super sorry and what not, but I am still not sure I can get past it.
I sat alone in a beer garden, for an hour, just watching hipsters in their natural habitat. I left and my stupid phone decided to die so I couldnt get an uber, I returned to the beer garden and borrowed a charger. They arrived with their sorry ass faces and I was beyond angry. I did not want to make a scene so I just told them I was leaving, they offered a ride and I said no. The end.
I am tired Ruth. School is consuming my life and I wish I had a person, or two or three, to hang out/make out/cuddle/sex with. I do not have the time to actively look for a partner and I really want one. Can it just fall on my lap like yours did? There’s a couple of pretty cute first years in my building, but I would not even know how to flirt, especially since they are so much younger and damn, kids these days.
On the other hand, I do enjoy being alone (that is until I don’t). I like NOT being in love with anyone. I like feeling in control of my life. I like that my heart feels safe. I have been in love four times, I think. One out of four I think I felt at peace with it. It was with my ex Izzy and I think a big part of it was because she was also in love with me. Other than that, being in love feels as a period of longing and wanting and never getting enough. I have such a bad taste in my mouth from Trace and Cory, they make me not want to go there again. At least, not anytime soon.
I do not mean that I am avoiding or that if the opportunity arises I would not pursue it. I am just not actively chasing butterflies. I am going through a very spoiled phase in which I just ask myself: “is this person here to worship me?” If the answer is NO, they can go. I want to be pursued, I want to be chased after, I want someone who is eager to see me and touch me.
Maybe this crazy mindsets of mine is why I am single at 30. However, I do not mind it terribly. I am single by choice and I firmly stand by the decisions that have led me here. Even the mistakes seemed like a good idea at the time.
Two days ago, after the last exam I read the tarot for myself. I asked about my love life, which I never do because I honestly don’t wanna know. The future showed a person. This was unique I don’t really get people cards. They are a very safe person, someone reliable although slightly boring. I wonder who it is, and if I’ll go for it once they arrive.
Now on to you Ruth, WTF is this: “Do you think there are things that are parts of us that exist outside of time and place and know better than our present selves?” I secretly hope you were experimenting with acid, in which case, it makes sense.
I am really happy you met Jessie and that you two are so disgustingly into each other. It’s a bit refreshing knowing that we can still at this age and after all the heartbreak, reach the bright intensity that only love can give. I am glad you are going all in, because really what else is there to do?
If two people are in the clouds, the best choice seems to be to ride that cloud and see where it takes you. It may run out steam and crash at some point OR it can go to neverland, and narnia, and maybe even The Shire. It’s most definitely fucking worth it so enjoy it Ruth. Enjoy the time you have with Jessie and the love that is growing.
You deserve it.
This is getting kinda long and I am almost at my destination.
I’ve missed writing to you.
I also want to write to Janet and talk a little bit about my own coming out story, but I guess that’ll have to wait until the next bus ride.
I love you dearly.
PS: I am on a tablet with public wifi. I hope this thing is formatting correctly.