Tag Archives: cats

We are bigger than we know

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Dear Nora, 

First of all, let me say congratulations on the new masters program! That is badass Nora! I know it’s plan B (B for badass?), but who knows what new doors it will lead to, or who you’ll meet, or how it will move you towards your dreams or evolve your dreams. The important thing is that you are moving forward, in spite of doors persistently not opening. I am proud of you! (Um also… three words about your interview look: hot damn girl.) You’re slaying 2017 already. 

I’m excited for you to be back on the east coast. I feel like your heart has been there all along. Even apart from Cory. I know the hope you’ve held onto for so long has conditioned you to envision her waiting at the end of that road. Maybe somehow moving back there will be the last step you need to release yourself. Maybe her being within reach and now watching all of the magic dissolve, you will be able to once and for all disenchant yourself of her. I’m sorry that you’ve felt like you’ve regressed lately. It’s ok to take steps backwards—your feet are still pointing in the direction you want to go and that is where you’re headed. I know you’re tired. Feel what demands to be felt. Most importantly, have compassion for yourself.

As far as all of those things she said to you Nora… all I can say is… you deserve a great love (or many!). And someone who says those things is not it.

If someone doesn’t fight for you, they aren’t for you. Period.

Sometimes someone doesn’t fight because they’re afraid. Sometimes someone doesn’t fight because they don’t love you enough, or don’t love themselves enough. Sometimes someone doesn’t fight because they don’t believe, deep down, that they deserve you. Sometimes someone doesn’t fight because the timing is off. Sometimes someone doesn’t fight because they already have too many of their own battles they need to fight for themselves. I don’t know all of her reasons Nora. But I do know, you deserve to have someone who fights for you—through distance, or school, or families. Someone who doesn’t back away and make excuses like “it’s not logical to be together” and “the only reason I have to fight for you is love… and that’s not enough”. The truth is you really put yourself out there for her, risked a lot and sacrificed a lot and invested so much emotionally. You’re not just losing the future you hoped for, you feel like all that you put into it is now wasted. And that’s a shitty feeling. It’s like her telling you all that you invested just isn’t worth that much. (That’s a lie btw… she just doesn’t appreciate the value of what you’re offering.)

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said “she may be who I want, but she’s not what I want.” (Isn’t that just the fuckery of life—Lily was totally what I want, but not who I want.)

I know I’m just repeating stuff back to you that you already know. I will say one more thing… actually, two things. 1) the pain will go away, however… 2) you’ve got to choose to let it go Nora. For the love of god delete those goddamn messages. Stop rereading that convo. Keeping them has served it’s purpose—you said yourself you’ve accepted she’s not for you. What good can come of rehashing it? Delete that shit woman! Obviously it’s about more than a series of text messages, but the first step of letting the pain go is to cleanse your life of things that keep bringing fresh reminders of the pain and rejection.

Boston is new and shiny and all yours. No one is going to dim your light. You are starting an exciting chapter all on your own and a bright path awaits you. 

I’m sorry to hear that Abby has not been a good support for you. That makes me so sad. I know her position is tricky, and I know you care a lot about each other. It is ok to take a step back if that feels like the healthy choice for you right now. For your sake and hers, I hope you will be able to work through that together. But I know that is not always possible when someone tries to remain friends with both parties of the breakup. Personally I essentially lost some friends when Kay & I ended, even though she was the one who wronged me… but then I left. Since she was still there in their daily lives, they remained her friends and didn’t reach out across the distance to me. 

I am sending all the good vibes your way Nora. 

I appreciate your word vomit because it makes me feel like I can do that too! So here goes…

At the end of every relationship, I seem to mourn the loss of that first one all over again. A fresh loss triggers a reminder of the loss. It’s like each new loss is an echo of the first. 

I’m not sure how to feel about that, or what to do with it. I think it just means I have yet to find something that is embedded as deeply in my soul as my life with Kay was. 

I received a message out-of-the-blue from a girl I went to college with. Not someone I know well at all. But had nice recollections of nonetheless. Let’s call her Becca. Becca messaged me on instagram and said told me she lives in my old house now. She gets mail sometimes and recognized my name and looked me up. That, by itself is a fun coincidence. But then she went on to tell me, that after graduating from our small, Christian college she married a man, but it wasn’t until she met and fell hard for a woman she worked with that she really experienced falling in love and sexual fulfillment for the first time. Her story is beautiful and heartbreaking. She spent years trying to suppress what she knew to be the real her. Her father is a pastor, her family is not supportive at all. But in spite of everything she said “fuck it” and was very brave and chose to live out who she is, married this woman, and they bought the very house in Indianapolis that Kay & I used to live in. 

Not only do they live there with her daughter and their cat, they were married in that house and when she sent me photos of them standing in front of what used to be our fireplace, sharing their “you may now kiss the bride” moment my heart exploded with joy and also shades of sadness.

It felt like I was almost looking at my own alternate life. I know a house is just a house, but when Kay and I found that place together it meant so much more than that to me. It symbolized everything I had always wanted. We had done about 5 years of dating during school & being long distance, and it had taken such a toll on my heart. We found this house when I was looking to finally finally move to Indianapolis and we’d be together and truly start our lives. Being in that house meant that my heart and home were finally under the same roof. We moved in and it was literally my dream come true. Gorgeous 3-bedroom, with a piano and a fireplace and a yard. Summers there everything blooming around the house, with parties of friends in the back yard. Winters snuggled up in bed together, shoveling snow off the sidewalk and making a fire. It was never about the house. It was about being there with Kay. Getting to see her everyday was all I had ever wanted. Waking up next to her and attacking her with kisses when she got home from work and taking a thousand pictures of our cats together.

Here is where Becca & I’s stories take different paths. She met and fell in love with a woman who was where she was at. Out and proud and knows how lucky she is to have found Becca. Building that life together and living openly and creating their home. Unfortunately when I was with Kay she was not in that place. So although we had all the ingredients to start that life together, Kay wasn’t ready to accept herself, love herself the way she would need to in order to live like that. Instead of getting married in front of that fireplace (not that we could have at the time anyway, it still wasn’t legal in Indiana), that is where the final scenes of our relationship played out. 

It makes me really happy to know that the house gets to have a happy (and gay) future with Becca & her wife there now. I am sending her this drawing I did of the house when I lived there with congratulations and best wishes. 

I also sent Kay a text and thanked her for the beautiful life we had together. Truly, I’m thankful for it every day. I had a really good thing, for so many years with her. And even though I wanted a different ending, at the time, I know now it’s ok that it didn’t go that way.

Not every love story has a happy ending… but it is still a love story.

My sister told me that once. It’s also ok, that 2.5 years after it ending, I still am mourning it’s loss in some ways. 

As I gain perspective with time and distance, more than ever I have been able to let go of the sad parts. Thank them for what they taught me, and remember the good. I was reminded of this the other day, when Jill reached out to me. Jill is a girl who was unfortunately quite tangled up in Kay & I’s relationship at the end of it. She was a co-worker of Kay’s, and they were sleeping together behind my back. I was jealous of her, without even knowing the truth of what was going on. When I did an attitude adjustment and let Jill into our lives the three of us really bonded and together we all proceeded into emotionally dangerous territory. Kay and I ended up breaking up, I found out the truth of their affair, and then for reasons I’m still a little hazy on, I dating Jill for a brief spell. I mean, it was clearly a rebound, but it was much more than that. It was me hiding in terror from the pain that was about to ensue from losing Kay and being betrayed by her. As I’ve reflected on it over this time it’s also been a source of shame for me that I would date someone who had been sleeping with my girlfriend (aka who had played a big role in causing me immense pain). It felt disrespectful to myself. Anyway, fortunately (and with much hard work) I’ve been able to forgive myself for that, considering all that I was going through at the time I think all I owe myself is compassion and grace.

So yes, I surprised myself when I heard from Jill that I have zero bad feelings surrounding her now. I went through periods of lots of anger and sadness and pain, but now I am able to view her as she is, just a human who fucked up. I have forgiven her, and Kay, and myself for all that happened and Nora, it honestly is the best feeling in the world to be able to have let that go. Repeat it? Never. But harbor it? Useless. Forgive it? Freedom.

She reached out to me to let me know, that she is considering a move to the Pacific Northwest, and possibly Portland. In the future. Maybe. And she wanted to respect the life I’ve created here and just make sure it didn’t make me uncomfortable. Of course that’s unnecessary, but kind nonetheless. I am happy to say that I could genuinely respond to her, without hesitation, that it wouldn’t make me uncomfortable, and that I think good things about her and I’d welcome her to Portland if she made that decision.

We are bigger than we know. So much bigger. If we choose to be.

That’s how I’ve been feeling these days. Bigger than I knew. I feel full and alive and just at the start of something. I am stepping up my self-love game. I think it’s time for me to start writing in earnest. It’s always been a dream of mine to write but also my biggest fear is to try that and fail and I’ve let that hold me back. I have been trying all the things lately that make me scared or uncomfortable. Getting my first tattoo (I say first, because now I just want more). Going to new groups and events to meet new people, that are outside of my comfort zone. Trying out with as a solo or small group for a choir song (I prefer hiding in the big group). Giving more of myself at work, even in areas I don’t feel confident. 

water / feminine divine / balance / creation / harmony

I am not anyone’s other half. I love just being a whole.

Why do I feel so alive when I’m not in a relationship? Is this just an indicator of a thirst that needs to be quenched? Or does it mean something else? Like… I am meant to be alone? And if I feel this strongly why do I still do a double take at a cute girl? I’m not sure, but I do know that I need to continue down this path.

I’m not going to lie, it hasn’t all been easy so far. It’s been almost 2 months since breaking up with Lily. I miss having someone to hold me at night sometimes—I love cuddling so much. I miss having a go-to person to tell things to. I miss sex. Good lord do I miss sex. I’m still aiming for 3 months being celibate but it is… a challenge. 

I’ve been spending some time with Hannah, one of the girls I had briefly dated this summer. That’s been really fun as we’ve been able to move past the dating side of things and begin a genuine friendship. (Elise and I have also been tentatively venturing into friendship territory. I have some mixed feelings about that, but so far it’s been a positive thing.) 

Is it possible to be in the honeymoon phase of singleness? Because if so, I think I’m in it. I can’t really say this without sounding like an ass, but I think I’m falling in love with myself a little bit.

Single and not ready to mingle,

Love, Ruth

P.S. Did you end things with Karina or Key? It sounded like you were right on the edge of that last time you wrote…

P.P.S. Magpie says hi to Toby.

The Quiet Between Breaths

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Dear Nora,

Thank you for your prompt response. Those were exactly the words I needed to hear on such a bummer of a Valentine’s Day. Your seed analogy was especially helpful and comforting! You are a wise one and I appreciate you taking the time to write and care.

My days have tossed me back and forth between two different moods: 1) OMG yes, I love being single, and 2) meh :-/

Your comment about having the kind of sad feeling about not being in love resonated with me. I feel very much whole, very much excited about my life, and very much well… yes, sad…or maybe… a little displaced. I’ve spent most of the last 10 years in a relationship or in a very short space between, during which I was crushing on someone new or crying about the previous person (or both). But now there is absolutely no one. It’s quiet and echoing in here and I think I’m about to get cozy in this big empty space that’s just me.

My favorite moment in swimming is the quiet space, when you grab some air, hold your breath and then put your head under and glide forward under water. Any noise around you goes away. And it’s just you and your limbs and your heartbeat and your thoughts, moving through the water weightlessly.

It feels like I am in that space right now. The quiet space between breaths. It feels like the space where I hear only my own thoughts, and I can reach, reach, reach and move myself forward.

I made a pledge to myself, again. (But for realz this time!) I’m spending 3 months being celibate (Feb-Apr). That will be the longest I’ve gone without sex since I became sexually active at age 21. I know myself well enough at this point to know that physical things are a distraction to me. And I don’t need that. I think it’s important that I’m not sucked into my next thing solely because I get emotionally entangled from a physical connection with someone. Ok, so in addition to the 3 months thing, I am doing 6 months (Feb-Jul) of not considering any new relationships. After 3 months I may start casually dating again, but I’m trying to hold off until the end of the summer before I consider anything “real” again. So help me god.

Side Note: It sounds so arrogant for me to be all like “I’m going to hold off of all these things” like there’s a line outside my door or something. But seriously, 3 and 6 months will be my record and it’s just because I fall into that shit way too fast and too easily and turn into a giggly school girl and I’m determined not to do that this time. Ugh, each sentence I write I feel like I’m jinxing myself. Send the army if I fail this time Nora! This is not a drill.

Luckily I currently feel so removed from “in love” feelings now that I’m having trouble recalling what those truly felt like. Why was I so controlled by them? Do they put me under some kind of spell? What if I’ve lost all ability to fall deeply in love? I’m afraid I’ll never “find what I once had”, like what I had for all those years of being head-over-heals, torturously in love with Kay, because I’ll never BE that girl again. I’ve lost that “me” because I’ve outgrown that version of myself. She believed in all sorts of magic—she lived in a blissfully ignorant and much smaller world. Sometimes I miss her. She was so content with her life because she knew nothing else. But  I can’t go back. I can never be her again, and even though I miss her sometimes, I don’t want to be her again. I’m just going to have to discover a new kind of magic. Or better yet, create my own.

If I know one thing right now, it’s that I don’t want this time to just be the “time between relationships”. I want this to be the period of growing, the time of knowing myself and loving myself. The time of “fuck yes, this is my life”. And it may last 6 months, or it may last 6 years before I find the connection that is truly worth me trading in my single life. But whatever amount of time it is, I won’t be twiddling my thumbs waiting for princess charming. Most importantly—I’m acknowledging that there’s a possibility that she may never come, I’m realizing that is ok too.

Here’s what I know: I only get one life—so I’m sure as hell going to allow myself to be as picky as I like about who I share it with.

I love being responsible for only myself (and Magpie). I love sleeping in my own bed sprawled out and spending my time how I please, and not having my experiences or schedule filtered through someone else’s moods or needs. I check my phone less because I’m not having to keep up any conversations throughout the day. I get more sleep, I listen to more music and I spend less money. I’ve been going to swim, and dancing more and giving myself more grace and positive self-talk. I’ve been filling my basket at the store with mostly healthy things and baking kale chips and eating lots of avocado and treating myself to dark chocolate that melts in my mouth. I love taking a bath for two hours full of bubbles and fancy bath oils and reading a book from the library and having to answer to no one except my kitten who has meowing conversations with me. The best part is feeling that no one else is entitled to my love and my time, except me. I don’t know why I’ve been savoring that so much, but it’s delicious and I think I was craving it.

I think that’s my confirmation that this is what I need. Being alone feels good and feels right to me.

What if I always feel that way? If I’m so happy on my own, why do I keep falling into relationships? I keep assuring myself that I’m not “one of those girls” who always has to be dating someone. But Nora, apparently I AM if my history is any indication! My therapist pointed out that there is probably some kind of need there that I’ve routinely just filled with a relationship, because it’s a comfortable role for me. The need itself is a good and normal thing, I just have to find other ways to meet it. So, what’s the need? I like having someone to help, to serve, to take care of. I like feeling needed. I like feeling like a good thing. I like being adored. As part of my challenge this year of being mindful, I need to focus on ways to fulfill those needs outside of a relationship.

Ok, I’m sorry for the quite long monologue of nothingness. You get the gist. Forever alone club it is! Thanks for the warm welcome back.

An update on Lily: We got together for a bite the other day because she wanted to share some things with me. She is exceeding all my expectations of handling things well and using this time and energy to take good care of herself. She had some roadblocks that were keeping her from fully accepting and loving herself and it is AWESOME to see the light in her eyes as she tells me about the work she’s doing to overcome those barriers. She said she feels like she’s been reborn and sees herself in a new way and she thanked me and told me I was the catalyst to start her on this path. I’m so proud of her, and very hopeful for friendship ahead for us.

An update on Magpie: she gets cuter every day and is my favorite person.

Now I want an update on you! How was the training in February for Crisis Counseling (that sounds intense)? How is yoga in March going (that sounds delightful–a month of free yoga? I’m hella jelly!)? How are Karina and Key? Have you talked to Cory at all? What was your Boston trip for? Updates updates! What are you doing on Wednesday to celebrate International Women’s Day?

fur-ever alone and cat-ing,

Love, Ruth

P.S. We have been writing each other for over a year now! I’m so proud of us.

P.P.S. One of my favorite songs right now is this one by Emily King, called BYIMM (by you I mean me). And it sounds a like a love song thanking a someone for being wonderful, but then you realize she’s thanking herself. When I googled the music video to send to you I was delighted to see it features Tituss Burgess (who is hilarious… I know him from The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt)!

Beginning a Revolution

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Dear Nora,

It’s been too long! A month, in fact, since you have written me and I have been so slow to reply. I’m sorry for that. I hope you have been well. I’m glad at least to follow you on social media and see that you’re alive and doing all the things. How have you been feeling? How are the new meds you’ve started? How is the dog sitting business going? Any nice OKC dates? Any more word from Mars? From Cory in limbo land? So many questions for you!

And so much news for you as well.

I moved! As you know I had been living in Elise & I’s apartment post-breakup and was stretching to pay for it all myself. It was time to get out. I gave my notice that I would not renew the lease as soon as it ended, packed up all my things, and voila! New start!

I know you will kill me when I tell you this. But Lily and I talked it over. Yes, it’s only been 3 months… but we’ve been spending so many nights together, and it just felt silly to pay two separate rent payments in an increasingly expensive city. Nora, it was only logical! She had room in her place for me, so…

Well… you know. Don’t send the army!

Ok… I am only kidding. I had to mess with you just a little—did you believe me? I did in fact move, but to my very own little studio apartment, signed complete with a one-year lease and all of my stuff snuggly settled. It feels so great and I love it and it suits me.

I do not live there alone, but my roommate is only 7 lbs and eats canned food like a little monster and she likes to chase feathery things and climb on top of me when I am stationary. She meows at me in the morning, and purrs when I scoop her up and hold her. First thing I did once I got the new apartment was drive out to the shelter and pick out a cat to take home. It was love at first sight with a black and white cat who I’ve named Magpie. She is my little love, and I intend for her to live until I am at least 50 years old. I cannot put into words how happy it has made my heart to bring her home and have her, knowing I get to keep her and care for her for a very long time. Right now I am sitting in bed and she is laying by my feet, warm little ball of fur contentedly snoozing.

Meeting Magpie at the shelter (L), Magpie in my kitchen (R)

Starting over in my new little apartment, with my new little cat, it’s felt a bit like a parallel to my life 2 years ago. When I just had moved to Portland, set up in my first apartment here with the cats. Before I moved in with Elise. Before I sent the cats to their other homes.

I think about that version of me and I feel as though I’ve changed a lot since I was her.

I feel stronger than her, maybe a tiny bit wiser, or more cynical and cautious. I trust myself more. I know myself better. I love myself more. I’ve started to put down roots in this new place and feel like I’m becoming part of communities here. All of that independent from any relationship.

In November, Lily and I and some other friends went to Boston and for some friends’ wedding, and I also celebrated my 30th birthday there. It was special and memorable and reflective for me. It was also somewhat overshadowed by the heartbreaking news of Trump’s victory a few days before. We stayed up late watching elections that Tuesday night, horrified as hope dwindled painfully over those long hours. At some point it was looking so grim I passed out in bed and awoke the next morning to the worst case scenario. It felt impossible, Nora. But here we are.

A friend of mine who lives in Indiana told me while she was visiting this summer, “Ruth, you don’t get it out here in Portland, you don’t know what a real possibility it is he will win.” And I blew her off. That’s what we all did. We blew it off. We made him into a comical sketch and laughed at his absurdity, and now he’s laughing at all of us. Another friend on the west coast said in disbelief: “I had no idea I lived in such a bubble”. 

There is a sick pit in my stomach thinking about all the power he will have, all the things that felt like progress that could be undone. I’m so discouraged. I can’t imagine feeling all of that, and then in addition feeling afraid for my muslim or immigrant status, or whatever else he may choose to target that he considers “un-American”. 

I’ve also been feeling the need to understand. It’s so tempting to label all of the red in the middle as dumbfuckistan. But that misses the whole point. Laughing at them doesn’t help. Hating them doesn’t help. Demonizing other people has never once helped bridge any gap. There is a gap in this country. And as much it infuriates me that it feels like we’ve taken steps backwards, I know that those 62,979,616 people who voted for Trump are not all idiots, they are not all evil, they are not all racist or homophobic, or anti-the-environment or anti-immigrant. I grew up in Indiana and spent my whole life there around those communities of people.

Life is not black and white. It is a big puddle of gray.

And there are honest, hard-working, kind-hearted people who voted for Trump with good, albeit misguided, intentions–whether or not you can believe it. I disagree with their choice wholeheartedly, but the information they received in their corner of the world helped them believe they were making the right call. I pray to the universe that he does no irreversible damage. I am terrified, and a little in denial. I don’t know what the answer or plan of action is here. But I don’t think it’s rioting in the streets and beating effigies of Trump or bullying those who voted for him. I remember conservative people saying horrible, awful hateful things about Obama when he was elected. It’s hard for me not to shudder when I hear those same things now being said by liberals around me about Trump. Are we no different? We have to be different. We have to look for ways to bridge the fucking gap and understand each other. After all, isn’t that what we’re asking them to try to do? Understand us and care about us? I think it has to go both ways.

Ok, my rant is over! I LOVED what you said: ” I want to be more open I want to advocate and do activism. I wanna fight for Black Lives, women’s rights, reproductive rights, gay rights, accessible healthcare, removal of mental health stigma. The Trump administration is going to be the beginning of my revolution.” I think that’s a really good way to approach this.

If nothing else, this should be our biggest motivator of all time to make shit happen. 

Lily and I are moving right along, three months into our new relationship. I can safely say it is unlike any relationship I’ve ever been in. It doesn’t feel suspenseful or half-assed or entangled or co-dependent or game-ridden or fraught with tension or needy. There’s no element of trying to get the other person to do or say or feel what you want. I’m not saying all of my previous relationship experiences have been bad… but this feels remarkably different and healthy. It feels almost silly now that I had ever settled for less of a good fit than this. She blows me away Nora. I am surprised daily by her kindness and thoughtfulness. I can feel how genuinely she likes me, not because of what I add to her, or change in her, or because of something I do or say or a role I fill, or something I may become. She loves me just as me, not because I offer anything.

Because I’m me, she loves me.

I feel safe with her in a new way. She is unselfish, un-manipulative, sincere and honest. She is so happy for me at my new apartment with Magpie, and doesn’t guilt trip me when I need space or alone time. But is always happy and excited to see me again, and makes me feel like a queen. I am doing my best to be cautiously optimistic and keep my eyes open, and watch my words so that time can do what it does best—boils things down to the truth. But I am hopeful, and I think that is ok. She makes me laugh, and when I don’t feel like laughing she cares to take the time to find out why. I’m playful and unguarded with her in a way that continues to surprise me.

At the wedding in Boston with Lily

We haven’t fought at all yet. Should that worry me? I would say yes if one of us was giving in all the time or being a pushover, but it feels pretty balanced and the not-fighting seems to be a result of just open communication and generally on the same page about most things.

She is definitely a hopeless romantic type, but also with a firm foot in reality. She hasn’t gotten caught up in all the things like I have. She hasn’t actually been in a relationship, have I mentioned that? Some of it has to do with her coming out later in life. I also think it’s because she didn’t seem to feel the need just to be with someone, unless it was someone she felt a really strong connection with. She is pretty content and happy on her own, and spent her 31 years of being single traveling and forming good friendships and getting to know herself well and working at becoming the person she wanted to be, as well as furthering her education and career. I admire and respect her so much for that. I remember my desperate feelings of wanting to find someone, even at age 21. But I can tell she isn’t with me just to be with someone. She’s with me because she would pick me, even if she had dated many people before me. As she should! I am pretty great, after all. I joke with her that she just started with the best first (but I also mean it) and saved herself some trouble. 

I am headed off tomorrow to spend Christmas with her and her family. In Florida… of all places. I’ll try to not wait forever to send more updates. In the meantime, tell me all the things! 

Love, Ruth

P.S. I know I’m being pretty insufferable with this in-love new relationship boring monogamy crap. #sorrynotsorry You know I can’t help it!

P.P.S. Trace, please go away and leave Nora alone. 

Feeble attempts and forgiveness

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Dear Nora,

Well, my dear, you were right to chuckle at my feeble attempt and optimism at being friends with Elise. We were kind of still chatting, and seeing each other occasionally or in group settings. Or, you know, watching TV together and then hooking up that one time… So in other words, working hard at the transition to friendship. She danced around the boundaries I had set (boundary testing is her favorite pastime), and said things to me like “you are going to be one of my best friends, you’re different than all my other exes, you’re so special Ruth, I have to keep you in my life”.

And I really could tell she was trying for this time to be different. For example, she waited almost a whole month before she made it official with a new girl. Her norm is usually a week tops. She said I should consider myself fortunate she held off so long. Lucky me! You have to give her credit for efficiency.

She had okCupid dates lined up like job interviews for a position that needed to be filled immediately.

You may be able to tell from my bitter tone that I’m not handling it the best. But I am proud that I refrained for saying 99% of the things I wanted to say, and let her know I could not speak to her or see her for a while, and she agreed. And we left it at that. She didn’t do anything “wrong”, but it still felt like a slap in the face, especially when a week before she had told me she’s still in love with me and kept asking if there was any possibility we’d end up back together someday.

I’m pissed off and listening to angry songs and thinking mean thoughts and crying sporadically. I keep reminding myself of two things. 1) we all deal with pain differently, and for her maybe that’s just moving on really quickly, and 2) her moving on is about her doing what she needs to do, not about my value or worth and even what I meant or didn’t mean to her.

All that to say, go easy on Jayne, if you can. I have a feeling she just genuinely wanted to find a way to keep you in her life, and made her best attempt at that in spite of other feelings she was suppressing. We are all suckers for the sweet Colombian poison. Trust me, it’s a hard addiction to break. Maybe she’s not lost forever… she just needs some detox.

I think forgiveness is some of the best, and hardest work we have to do in our lives (especially towards ourselves). It is so goddamn beautiful and defies all of our basest instincts. I promise I’ll try not to quote Cheryl Strayed in every single letter… but I did laugh and nod at this one: “Forgiveness doesn’t just sit there like a pretty boy in a bar. Forgiveness is the old fat guy you have to haul up the hill.”

That’s a really interesting discussion of actions vs. intentions. That’s something I think a lot about. Elise usually didn’t give a shit about intentions, only actions. I, as a benefit-of-doubt type would say I usually take intentions into weighty consideration. But I think ultimately, I have to agree that our truest truths come out in the form of actions. The core of who we are will persist in the living of our lives. Yes, there will be aberrations, and those who know us well should take our intentions into account during those times. But generally speaking, who you are is what you do, not what you say.

<3

Love.

In the case of relationships, I think kind of the deal going into it is that people usually have hopes and good intentions, and sometimes they decide it’s not for them, and sometimes you decide it’s not for you, and neither is wrong or bad. I have been thinking about that a lot. I feel pretty at peace with our decision to break up, and confident now that Elise wasn’t meant for me, or I for her… so then why the hell didn’t I know that at the start of it? Because who I am now is a slightly different person with different knowledge and experiences and further understanding of myself than I was 16 months ago. I read a good quote from Dan Savage the other day about this: “dating is about figuring out who we are and what we want — and when it comes to dating a specific person, it’s also about figuring out whether this person is who and what we want. Early on, when we’re smitten, we sometimes fantasize about a future — we talk about the longterm and/or listen as the other person talks about the longterm — that isn’t destined to be. Being open to the possibility of a longterm relationship with someone, imagining a future with that person, etc., doesn’t obligate us to stay in the relationship eternally, and it doesn’t mean we lied or misled someone if the relationship should end. Fantasizing about a life together is not the same thing as committing to a life together.”

Totally changing subjects–I met Cory and AJ! They arrived this week and stayed at my place and I had so much fun grabbing dinner and drinks with them. I couldn’t stop smiling at the ridiculousness of this all. I confirmed with them that you are, in fact, a real person. So that was good. It’s a little tricky explaining to someone how I both feel like I know you pretty well, but also know very little about your actual day to day life. But I rode around in “Chad” your roadtrip car, and listened to the Rap Caviar playlist with them and made fun of Cory’s gigantically oversized suitcase. It was fun getting to hear them chat about the trip and you and Toby. Anyway, so that happened.

I fly out tonight, headed to the midwest to see lots of my family for my grandma’s 90th birthday party. All of my siblings will be there, my parents, cousins, aunts, uncles. It is so needed. My family for me is the place where I go to rest and reset. My original self. A place of unconditional love. I’ll just be there a very short time, it will be a small but potent dose of exactly what I need right now. I also get to see some of my good friends too while I’m there. And my cat Luscious!!!

purringtons

Purrington’s Cat Cafe in Portland

By the way, I also judge myself real hard also for giving up my cats for Elise. I can’t say, looking back, that I could have or would have done it differently. But, moving forward, the cat thing will from now on represent for me the importance of me keeping parts of myself that make me “me” and make me happy. Cats make me pretty fucking happy. I will definitely be getting one for my 30th birthday.

Nothing says “winning at life” like a single lesbian getting a cat for her 30th birthday, am I right?

I hope you find exactly what you need right now. Toby cuddles. Altars full of candles and incense. Puzzles and more puzzles. What are you favorite things about being alone? Also, can you take this personality test for me? I want to see what you get! I got ISFJ (“The Defender”) and it was spot-on. We can talk about our results more if you take it.

Love, Ruth

P.S. I’m looking at possibly coming to LA around labor day weekend? Just sayin’…
P.P.S. Your wish list of kids books brought back a lot of good childhood reading memories. I sent some your way, I hope others do too! What a great idea!