Category Archives: Letters from Readers

Bright Path (Letter from Reader)

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Dear Ruth,

Thank you for taking the time to reply so thoroughly, I really appreciate every word that you wrote. I would truly love to hear from other people and look forward to this very much. I need to rewire my brain and allow myself to put into place a future that I have visualised for my whole life. A future that I have not seen modelled by anyone in my life, so would love to hear from others about.

I was clearly very predictable in my personality traits as I deeply appreciated the to do lists and will reply in accordance with them… 😊

Number 1. Self- Love

I would like to start off my reply by saying that I am a bit worried that I came across as miserable in my first letter. I promise that I am a happy person, and fun (I hope!)

It upsets me that self love, or in fact the lack of it, was the over riding theme of my letter. I had not noticed the negative language that I use in my writing about this topic. I’ve gone back and read notebooks and lots of it was from the negative stand point that you identified. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.

I think that this was actually the most powerful thing that you wrote to me as it has already changed my writing.

I have no doubt that this will in turn adapt the way I think and speak about myself, in a more positive light.

You’re right, I’m not comfortable looking myself in the mirror and telling myself those things but I will work on this. Say it until you believe it! I do know that I have lots of good qualities and skills and have written them down as you suggested but that would be rather self indulgent to write those here so I’ll leave those in my journal!

(I take it back actually, your best piece of advice was to buy myself some lovely food, I greatly appreciated that one, as did my stomach!)

Number 2. Pride

That link you added made me laugh through the tears, thank you. It made me think up some wonderfully creative ways to do it, but very boringly I think I’ll have to stick to the original way.

“You and I both know, that’s not going to be you. You are bursting at the seams and you are ready.” This line changed something for me. You didn’t for one second question me and that felt amazing. It is so validating. I wasn’t expecting that. When I wrote to you those weeks ago I knew who I was. Goodness, I can’t even write it! I’ll try again. I knew and know that I am a lesbian. But I have always questioned myself. How could I be gay when I have openly flirted with men (if only out of show). Bizarrely, I spent a lot of time and thought worrying that I had made all of this up for no reason. Have I made myself gay through what I have exposed myself to? Ridiculous I know. And totally untrue. You saying these things helps with this and shows me that I can feel whatever I wish to and that is okay. I can trust myself because you think that I’m ready to (and too). Part two of validation is coming up later…

I know that I need to take a leap into this community. Recently I have been researching groups in the cities nearest to me. There are a couple and I could go. I will go. At some point, I will go. I’m done with putting time restraints on myself so I’m just going to tell myself that at some point, I will go. Your journey with your LGBT choir is one that spoke to me. I love to sing and I actually lead a children’s choir. I am hopeful that this might be a better option for me than groups (going on my own is not overly enticing). Talking to strangers is tricky but singing I can do. I will research this more. I’ve also downloaded OKCupid. Haven’t quite been brave enough to fill out the profile yet but I have ticked the Gay box. However, you are correct, friends are definitely what I need first.

I bought a bracelet that has a compass engraved on it. It’s beautiful and tiny and I haven’t taken it off. Every time I catch a glimpse of it I’m reminded to question myself, which direction am I going in and which direction I want to be going in. Now I just need a signal to everybody else. I am very straight passing, very feminine, so maybe I’ll have to up the anti with my pride symbols as I come out to more and more people to make it REALLY obvious! Of course that was a joke, I am actually looking forward to breaking a few stereotypes, I do not look like how my family for instance visualise a gay woman. Whatever that should look like.

You were correct in your estimation, I have been immersing myself in LGBT literature, poetry, music, podcasts, YouTube videos, films and more. They have been my saving grace. Literature and music are my greatest loves and have offered me such solace. Poetry (particularly slam actually) has been my version of your great Katy Perry suggestion. I listen and learn them and then speak and shout along to them. Feeling every word. (Shouting one of these or listening to music that will out me in my own house is a risk that I am now taking. I bought the house, I should be able to listen to what I like within it. I’ve even allowed myself to have the window open- shock horror!)

Numbers 3 and 4. Support and Prepare for Various Outcomes

Writing has always been a big passion of mine so I really appreciated your tasks that involved putting pen to paper. Words are powerful and healing. They are my creative expression.

One of the many videos that have been my saving grace is Hannah Harts sympathy for being in the closet. One of the lines hit me hard “The closet sucks. It’s not safe. It’s static”. I hadn’t thought of it this way before but I have been paused. Static for over ten years, for what? I will move forward now. I have already made big strides forward with these letters and with what I am about to tell you…

My sister asked me once, years ago, if I was a lesbian. How I long that I hadn’t lied through my teeth. I had the perfect opportunity this week when my sister came to stay with me in the UK. It would have been the perfect time to tell her but I just couldn’t. I visualised how she would be affected by it and how she would have to keep it from our parents as I am not ready to tell them yet and I just couldn’t do it to her. I can see that I have used negative language here (thanks to your guidance) but I am no longer feeling that I have missed my only opportunity. You made me see it is never too late. And anyway, I’m still reeling in success as I have made such a massive step forward.

Your letter was the final push that I needed. I was at breaking point and feeling very alone. The more I have immersed myself in this part of my life, the more I have distanced myself from everyone around me. I am so proud to tell you that I told my best friend last night.

We spoke for most of the night over video chat (she lives abroad also). I was so terrified. I have tried to tell her for many, many, times before. I wasn’t going to let myself down again. I pressed call and there was no turning back. I swore lots, shook lots and even had a sick bag at the ready. Anyway, I told her. And to my astonishment she said that she knew. Here’s the second point of validation.

I felt some relief but mostly just pure joy that she almost justified my feelings.

She knows me so well that she picked up on the language that I was using and on brief passing comments that I have made over the years. After this I went on to spill all of my thoughts, feelings and interests that I’ve been hiding for what feels like a lifetime. She listened, commented and asked questions. It was perfect. Although it did feel very bizarre hearing her talk about my future, imaginary girlfriend. Nice but weird. Then we spent the next few hours gossiping and chatting about the other aspects of our lives. This was the greatest thing that could have happened as it showed me that our relationship is the same as it was.

Nothing bad happened when I told someone. Life actually resumed as it had always been. Magic!

How do I feel now? That’s a question that she asked me and I found hard to answer. I didn’t feel the instant relief when I said the words but I woke up with a smile this morning. I adored just talking about the thoughts that I have been keeping in my head. I took her back years to different times when I had tried to tell her. I felt like I was being honest for the first time in a very, very long time. I have achieved something huge that I wasn’t sure that I could do and it feels great. And the world didn’t end. In fact, it became lighter.

I wrote out a table as you suggested and as you probably predicted there were many negative or merely stagnant outcomes on the ‘What Will Happen If I Never Come Out’ side. The hardest one for me being the prospect of not having children. Or not sharing the experience of raising a child with someone else. On the ‘What Will Happen If I Come Out’ side there were some negatives too, I wrote out worst case outcomes. However, mostly, they were positive and there were twice as many points than the other. When it came down to it I would still be safe even if the worst happened. And anything other than this wouldn’t matter in the long term. I could say the things that I have been thinking but editing out. I could be free. As I thought about my best friend I wrote “My best friend will love me anyway” and I was right. That has done wonders for my confidence for trying again.

So, there is something that I didn’t mention in my first letter but you wrote about in your response. Religion. Unlike your family, my family are not religious. However, my individual sense of faith has always been very strong. The way your father responded is kind of how I have been responding to myself for many years. And although I have now accepted myself and my sexuality I still feel a draw to Christianity. I went to Church, Sunday school and a Christian School. As a teenager my faith was at its strongest as I explored it further. But, of course, this was also when I started to explore my sexuality. (Ironically with the same girl with whom I was exploring my Religion with). This is where the conflict appeared. I am doing something that is wrong in the eyes of the faith that I feel drawn to and have been taught. Can I be a Christian when living this lifestyle? I suppose that is actually kind of my question. Can religion and homosexuality ever coexist or live alongside each other? How can something that is meant to instil peace actually place on me such fear? Obviously I know that you won’t have the answer to these questions but I would really like to hear other opinions on this matter. However, I also appreciate how personal it is so will understand if you cannot or would prefer not to respond. I also really hope I haven’t offended anyone, that is NOT what I aim to do. Let’s face it, I just don’t really know and am asking for knowledge.

Obviously I still have far to go, I have only told one person and am still no further with the ones that I feel will not be accepting. I sill struggle immensely with how to tell my family and my work colleagues who have seen my flirtations with men. I’m not putting pressure on myself to tell anyone else for now. I have support. I’m going to let it sink in that someone else knows and see where everything goes from there.

There is a long road ahead of me but I can see the light that you were describing. And it’s beautiful.

I would still love to hear from the other people if they are still interested in writing to me. I know that I am no longer sailing alone but we are still only in a two-man canoe and neither or us have ever sailed this sea before.

“You will take a little more power out of the shame each time you tell someone.” This gives me hope. A lot of it. As does the rest of your letter.

Number 5. Know That the Best is Yet to Come

I changed the last assignment slightly (instant Fail grade for me!) and took on the role of my future self and wrote to the present. It forced me to think about what I am doing at this time in my life and where I want to be which was actually really cathartic so thank you.

Dear 26-year-old Jane,

Well done, a big, great, massive well done. Firstly, well done for writing this letter. I know that you put it off, apprehensive as to what your future might actually be. Afraid to dream in case you were never brave enough to make the changes that you needed to. You gave yourself a second chance. You put the colour into your relationships, adding depth. You gave yourself your best life, so thank you.

You can breathe deeper now. You don’t have to hide or change pronouns or conversations. You are lighter and free to do, talk about and what you want to. Your thoughts are yours and back under your control. You don’t have to focus upon just this aspect of your character. There is more to you and it is shining now.

Also, I hate to tell you but actually no one cared about this as much as you did. If you could read this, I would tell you that this is all consuming for you because it is all about you. Other people first care about themselves. You were the news for a few weeks then people moved on, on to their lives. Your way of life did not affect them. It will blow over. The water will settle and you will come up for air in a place familiar but different. A place you knew before but only partially experienced.  

You will still feel. You will feel more than you ever imagined possible. The all consuming thoughts and uneasy emotions will be replaced or resculpted into love. Love for yourself built on foundations of respect and bravery. You will be proud to let others see the light in you and in return you will shine the light on others. Be kind, be forgiving, be appreciative, be spontaneous. Keep fighting and you will move forward. Fumble along the tunnel and find your way out of the shadows.

Love, future Jane

Ruth, I hope I can do this. Here goes the rest of my life…

“You never know what could be coming in the future. There is so much music that you’ve yet to hear.” –Hannah Hart: Buffering.

In the Shadows (Letter from Reader)

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Dear Ruth,

So, hi, my name is [Jane]. Although for reasons that will become clear in this letter please could you not publish my name if you do anything with this piece. Thank you and sorry. I think I just apologized to myself. I am so ashamed to say how I wish I could say yes publish my name everywhere. Let everyone hear it. But I’m not there yet and that leads me on to why I am writing this letter.

I have a lot of admiration for you. I have been reading your blogs for many years. When I still lived at home and deleted the history on my computer in case they figured out what a “fish out of water” meant. So much of what you have written was echoed in my life.

Yet in the same breath we live such different lives now. I’m 26. I live in a small town in the UK. And I am still burrowed in the closet. Your posts meant so much to me those years ago. You were my outlet and my link to a life and community I longed to be part of but was, and am, shutting myself away from.

I have known that I was gay on some level from about 14. Before this I didn’t even know it was an option otherwise I might have known sooner. This seems late to me. But it’s definitely late now. I’m 26. In your recent blog you described your new love. I know it’s uncouth to say, and I don’t mean this in the way that it’s going to come out, but I am so jealous. That is all I have ever wanted and you described it so perfectly. Like you no longer exist alone but are part of something bigger. Everything is brighter. I have had this only once with a girl, let’s call her Tilly. My very best friend is what we told others and ourselves. Actually we had such a deep connection and it was beautiful and painful.

It changed everything in me, everything about me. I’ve had relationships after this with men. But no feeling ever compared to simply holding her hand.

Sounds ridiculous but it’s true. We don’t speak now, haven’t in a very long time. She was in my life for such a short period of time but look at the impact on me. That should have told me the truth about myself a long time ago.

I am currently on holiday in Milan staying with my sister. As I sit on her balcony looking at the mountains I realize how beautiful life is and how much I want to see as much of it as possible. But something’s stopping me. I don’t want to experience the world alone. That might be the saddest thing I’ve ever written. But it’s my truth. I can do it, I have been doing it. I have a great life, I’m a teacher in the UK. I have bought my own house, a tiny cottage with beams from my dreams. I have my dream car. The most fabulous best friend a girl could ask for. Excellent colleagues (most of them anyway, you can’t have everything! haha) and have recently secured a massive promotion meaning that I am now Senior Management in my school. On the face of it I am successful. My parents are proud of my successes.

But I have failed at the most basic part: being who I am.

I am my job. And within my job I am who I think I should be. This of course means that I have not found a partner. What’s that famous saying ‘you have to love yourself before you can expect others to’. Well here’s the proof.

This holiday has given me a lot of time to think. If I am going to live authentically I am not sure that I have much time left. I am getting older. I know I’m not ancient but I am getting older. Your 20s are meant to be the highlight of your life, yet I am in the shadows. Safe in the dark, afraid of the rainbows. Funny how life works isn’t it.  Part of me knows that what I am doing to myself and what I have been doing to myself for so many years now is not fair. Who is it benefiting? No one. Perhaps my father? But would he really be happy knowing how unhappy I am? I honestly don’t know the answer to that one. Is this the lesser of two evils?

The biggest question I suppose is when is the right time to tell everyone as I think, to be honest, that I have missed it. No one knows. Everyone has assumed I am straight which is 100% my fault as I too have gone along with this. I have not stopped them. I didn’t know how to. I didn’t know if to. Now I see I should have for their perception of me is fixed yet so is who I have known I am for a very very long time. And as much as I have tried to ignore it, it has not gone away. It has built.

It is all I ever think about. Well that, and pizza and chocolate haha. It consumes me. It’s me. Yet it’s hidden. And I am living a life I don’t want or understand, and can’t change.

There are some people in my life that I feel will be totally accepting of me. My sister, my best friend of 10 years. But I don’t think it’s fair for me to tell them and expect them to keep it to themselves as I know others won’t be so welcoming. My mother accepts gay people openly but my father is not so forgiving. He and I are very close. He is the person I call when my kitchen is flooded or when I want to go out to dinner & celebrate a success or drink away a bad day at work. Is it selfish to not tell to preserve our relationship? Or even to take away from my relationship with everyone else as I’m not being myself merely to keep intact this father daughter one. It feels like a double-edged sword again to me. I’ve come to see more and more as I’ve gotten older that life is a balance. I think mine is off kilter.

My father is openly not okay or comfortable with gay people or lives. He has never alluded to violence but it’s the subtle comments that hurt the most when for example I have approached the subject about other people to test the water. It was not well received. My mother and father are still together but should have split up 15 years ago. My mother and I clash, she does not care about either my sister or I so doesn’t actually factor into my decision at all other than she lives with my father. My godmother on the other hand is the person most important in my life. She is the only other person to know everything about me. Everything  but this. She basically brought me up and through all of the terrible teenage disasters she loved me like a daughter. But, I’ve pulled away recently  for she showed me a side to her I would never have predicted. In one moment in our hours long phone calls she changed our relationship forever. She said it made her feel sick when she saw her two gay coworkers kiss. I was on my bed. I remember getting hot. Mumbling.

How do you respond to that when you have so much respect for that person for your whole life but absolutely detest what she has said and feel the absolute opposite.

I wish she could know how much that comment has affected the trajectory of the rest of my life. Back to the risk factor now. How brave am I? Should I tell her in the hope of changing a viewpoint for the better but in doing so risk losing my support, my wonderful godmother?

Goodness I have written so much. This is what happens when you don’t tell anyone, I suppose. When the opportunity comes, it overflows. Really I just would to talk, to discuss the things I care about but no one understands or is interested in. To gain another opinion on what I should do, although in some respects I already know that I have to come out.

I am running out of time to enjoy my life. I am stealing my own time. Perhaps I just need to know someone will be there in the aftermath.

I know no other lesbians. My town is small. I added Tinder recently, bravely ticking ‘only women’ but instantly regretted it when 1 of the 5 local lesbians was a friend of a friend who I am now terrified will out me. I will never be part of this community or have local minded friends if I don’t come out. But of course, like all other LGBT people–how do I do that? What do you wish you had known or done differently when you were going through this? Do you have an opinion? I am open to them all at this point.

Really, I suppose, I’m looking for a conversation. A conversation with a real person. A real person who doesn’t know me but probably knows me better than anyone in my life. Someone who has been through the things that I am afraid to approach.

I am so happy to hear about your new love, how’s it going? While I’m still at this point I may as still live vicariously through others haha. Thank you for what you do and for the opportunity to submit my feelings this way. Sorry for the essay.

Lots of love, Jane

xxx