Monthly Archives: September 2016

Life surprising me, once again

Dear Nora,

Just when I think I know what’s up, the universe likes to have a good chuckle at me and show me how much I don’t know about life. That’s what’s happened over this past week Nora, and I’ve just had to sit back and laugh and marvel at life’s funny way to twisting the plot. I should have seen this coming, but it caught me by surprise.

You are going to kill me.

I befriended this girl a little while back. Let’s call her Lily. Lily was a friend of a friend and I saw her around occasionally but knew her only in passing. Then, last winter she joined the choir that I’m in, so I started seeing her more regularly. By the time Elise and I broke up in May, we had the beginnings of what seemed to be a promising friendship, and I knew her enough to know she was someone I really wanted in my life.

I decided to make her a friend goal. I felt a strong pull towards her, and I wasn’t quite sure what it was–but I wanted to invest time in getting to know her. Things I did know: I really liked spending time with her, I felt safe and unjudged and ok as-I-am with her, I laughed more with her than almost anyone, I shared things with her that I don’t normally share with people.

Whenever we hung out, it just felt… comfortable and effortless to be around her.

Our friendship began to grow, naturally. She seemed to be just as interested in spending time together as I was. I progressed with my freedom summer of dating and being single, and she was a support and encouragement as I navigated my way. No matter what else was going on, I looked forward to seeing her again. Over the months spent getting to know each other, I had these little thoughts in the back of my mind that I tried to ignore… “I wonder… is there more here?”, “Why do I feel such a strong connection with her?”, “Am I attracted to her as more than a friend?”. I confided in a close friend that I felt like I was developing stronger feelings for Lily, but I wasn’t ready for them yet. I cared so much about her I didn’t want to do anything to squander an opportunity if there was, indeed, a chance that we’d be something. But it only seemed to grow, and it got to the point where I just told myself, “wait. you are going to date her. just not yet.”

And then, “yet” arrived.

We were eating tacos and I was jabbering on about something (have I mentioned I talk more around her than most people? also, that I love trying to make her laugh?) Anyway. And then she said, as though it were just an ordinary thing to say, that she was sorry if this complicated my current dating situation, but she needed to tell me… that she had feelings for me. She said it had been growing for months, and it wasn’t healthy for her to keep holding it in and have it turn into anything negative, left unaddressed. She said she expected nothing in return, and knew where I was at with dating and wanted nothing more than for me to continue with my process. She wanted very much to remain friends, and figured this would just be something she had to “work out”.

It was quite a surreal moment. I sat there a bit stunned, and just suddenly felt that I had already seen this part. Like I had always known somehow that this was going to happen and she and I were just little pieces on the board game of the universe. My heart felt full in that moment. I told her I also had more than just friend feelings, and that I felt the connection too, and had the sense this was something “bigger than me”.

Yes, you might say I’m lost in the sauce. But that implies messiness. This feels like one of the least messy things I’ve done. It feels so right, and I have a sense of peace. She’s something really special. I’ll tell you more about her in upcoming letters. Having the opportunity to get to know her as a friend was so ideal, I couldn’t have planned it this way if I had tried.

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Thoughtful flowers from Lily <3

I am moving forward, intentionally. Knowing how important it is for me (and her!) to keep focusing on my own needs and not giving up who I am for someone else. Not letting my softness become the “worst of me”. And working to focus on things that I know to be true. Seeing her as a real human, not some idealized version I build up in my mind. Being honest with her and myself about where I’m at.

“I choose to love this time, for once, with all my intelligence.”

-Adrienne Rich in Dream of a Common Language

She offered to wait if I needed more time before dating. She asked how she can help make sure I’m taking care of myself. She said the last thing she wants is for me to lose myself in any way. I believe she sees the light in me, Nora, and she wants me to keep shining.

If I told you it’s different this time than it’s ever been, would you believe me? My gut says it is. At least, I think that’s my gut talking. Don’t worry, I am still adequately terrified. But the wave that’s moving me forward is stronger than my fear of starting this. I think if it were anyone but her, I wouldn’t feel ready to start a new relationship. I’m not sure what that means, but I do know I feel safe and known in a way I haven’t in a long time.

I think this is going to be good thing, Nora. Try not to judge me too harshly… I made it to just about 1.5 months out from my 30th birthday!

Naturally I had to end things with Sam once I realized these feelings with Lily were mutual and that it was going somewhere. I knew that continuing with her in any way would most likely end in her getting hurt, since I didn’t see that going anywhere long term. I tried to do it in the kindest way possible.

This whole thing has been a bit surreal, and I’ve had trouble putting it down on the page for you.

I’m going to have to end this letter here, I’ve been traveling quite a bit this week and my train is getting ready to leave. This whole letter is about me, thank you for being a good listener and friend. Let me know how you are doing! I hope you have updates from your canyon on Mars, and that you haven’t been too isolated lately. I think of you often and send out good thoughts to the universe for you.

Feeling all the feels, Ruth

 

I probably love me too much

Dear Ruth:

I die of waiting when I don’t hear from you. 

Our weekend together was so magical. Your Merengue moves are on point. I loved welcoming you into my life and my home. Toby definitely enjoyed having an extra petter.  I am happy to report your gardening skills are wonderful and all the plants are indeed still alive (and growing!!). The moss seeds I sprinkled everywhere are starting to grow too.  Here’ some proof:

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Now when I tend to my garden, I remember our morning there among laughter and dirt. 

I am also still in awe that I met you. That you are in fact a real human, a sexy beautiful tender human. You are so much softer than I thought possible. The cuddles, the tears, the quiet fun. I see why you get the feels so fast and why some people may not appreciate the kindness of your soul. 

Well, I DO! And in an ideal world in which I don’t need to be a doctor and you are not monogamous, I would fly out to Portland, fall in love with you and marry you. But this is the real world, and I need to go back east to my real life and resume my education. 

lost-in-the-sauceWhen it comes to your love life, I am glad you have reached a comfortable place with Sam and I pray to all the gods that you don’t get lost in the sauce. A little bit of sauce makes Pizza, too much sauce makes a mess. Just keep your feelings at a pizza level and have fun with yourself as yourself. After meeting you I can see why you get lost in the sauce so quickly though. You are very easy to love. You are so soft you are almost fluid, shaping yourself around others. This is both the best and the worst of you, I don’t know how you do it. 

I, being the jaded bitch I am on the regular, find myself friendless and loving it. The day that you left I had a conflict with Pixie over her violating my boundaries. She dd not take it well. She blamed me for her self-harm, her suicidal ideation, her misery, basically her entire cocktail of mental illness is my fault. She decided to stop being my friend after that day because I have no compassion and I kick people when they are down. None of the above is true but those were the reasons she gave me.

 The reasons I find true is that I gave her an ultimatum that if things did not change for her by December I could not be her friend. Apparently that’s a bitch move. In my book, this is a self protective move. She took a lot of my time and energy and refuses to put any work into her recovery. I am a high functioning mentally ill person who will drag her ass out of bed to go to work, who has survived 13 years without a family in a foreign country, who has been left by people over and over and have had to pick myself up. I have limited chances to give. 

Pixie needs a lot more help than she’s getting. We had to put her in the psych ward in May and that was not enough of a wake up call for her to seek recovery. That’s her problem, not mine. MY problem is that I cannot be a bystander. I refuse to have people around me that are drowning and just let them drown, OMG no I have to do something. And when I throw them a rope and they pull me in (instead of pulling themselves out), I have no choice but to let go of the rope, and save myself. 

She accepted none of the responsibility for the conflict that triggered the break up and by the time she said she was out, I had been out. She then proceeded to text EVERYONE we know in common and inform them what a bitch I am. Uhhhh my friends bitch MINE!!! GTFOH!! 

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Jayne, also happened to dump me because she was too jealous. Remember her tantrum at the beach? Finally accepted she’s not over me. She and Pixie probs have a “hate Nora” club, and will most likely start a  “no personal responsibility whatsoever” society soon. I was ready for this break up too, because I could not stand the way she completely abandoned Erin (who basically saved her from homelessness) when Erin’s grandfather was diagnosed with cancer. Jayne is completely unable to stay in a situation that makes her in any way uncomfortable Her comfort is her sole motivation, she leaves at the first sign of struggle, and just like Pixie takes and takes from people. 

On that note, I have been in a really weird mood. Key and Princess have been the bestests at giving me space and respecting my weirdness. I met this girl from meet-up and thought we could be friends but no. I have only met her once and she was asking me to host a meet up for her, I said no to that and she trippin’. BYYYEEEEE

This weekend I realized I dont want to make friends. I dont want to hang out with people. I have so much more fun with myself and by myself. I missed July when everything was about me, when I was focused on my needs and recovering from Trace. I miss ME time and puzzles. I think after having so many relationships that were draining me of my soul, I am finally replenishing my spiritual vitamins. 

I am mostly happy. I have been sleeping a lot and cooking a lot. Taking it easy and being free of anyone else’s needs. I miss Cory a lot. This is my only source of sadness. I would not even mind waiting a year to start medical school if it did not mean waiting a year to be near her. 

On the medical school front, I am sitting on dead silence. I mean, the bottom of the abyss in a canyon in Mars  silence: NOTHING. No news is good news. I have not gotten any interviews but also no rejections, which means I am still being considered. THANK GAIA. I am also gaining more trust at work which makes me extremely happy. 

I must now go and finish making my new shaving cream. I’ve been having lots of problems from shaving (ingrown hair, bumps, itch) and I think it’s time to switch to nature’s way. 

Please stay focused on yourself, and keep writing me letters so I don’t die.

Love, 

Nora

PS: This came right on time. Everyone should think like you 🙂 I LOVE IT. It was a very well timed, very relevant surprised. You get me. 

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Growing roots & embracing imperfections

Dear Nora,

It feels like a strange dream now that I spent a couple of days with you. Like, I’m not quite positive it was real life. Fortunately I have proof in form of photos and souvenirs. Thank you for welcoming me into your real life world, even if I could only be there for a moment. Dancing salsa (or at least my best attempt), eating breakfast with you and your friends, singing along with Jayne playing the ukulele, laying on the beach with you and Princess and Key. Scratching Toby’s belly and seeing your current knitting projects and helping you with the fairy garden. Snuggling and watching Friends, as though it were just an ordinary thing for us to do on any ‘ole weekend. 

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You are special to me, Nora. That’s why I teared up, a few minutes before I left you (I warned you I’m a big cry baby!). I just love you, and think you’re wonderful, and want you to have all the good things in life. That’s what I was thinking in that moment, but did not say out loud.

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In only a short 3.5 months or so since becoming single, I feel like there have been huge shifts happening within myself.

Being untethered is glorious. I feel bigger, I feel whole, I feel like I’m getting to truly know myself in a new way. Life feels richer.

Do you know what I mean? It’s like, food tastes more flavorful, and the scenery looks more beautiful—summer has been good to me. I’ve been trying new things, going new places, revisiting assumptions.

The best part of all, other than strengthening my relationship with myself, has been enriching other relationships in my life. I’ve been carving out more time for existing friends—and able to invest more into new and growing friendships. I feel like, for the first time since moving to Portland, I am actually seeing some of the roots sprouting from the seeds I’ve planted and finding my people.

Part of my internal shifting also has been falling out of love with Elise. I told you a little about that this weekend. But I am happy to report here that I am no longer in love with her! Woohoo!!! I know it happened gradually, but honestly… it was like I woke up one morning and all those feelings were gone (albeit after good talks with friends, internal processing, time and space, dating new people…etc.). I can see pics and feel no jealousy, I can see her in person and feel in complete possession of myself and my feelings. I love and care about her, yes. But the “in love” feelings are gone, rose colored glasses are removed and compulsion to please her dismantled. I’m not quite ready to be her friend though, and she asks when I will be ready. The truthful answer is, I don’t know. And I don’t have to know right now.

I am 2 months out from my 30th birthday, and doing my (mostly) best to stay on track with being single for the remainder of my 20s. I spent almost a month dating multiple ladies. It was really fun initially. I felt free, and I was having fun sex and cute dates. But within a few weeks, the feelings started to get all up in my business. I was consistently dating two very cool girls, Hannah and Sam. Hannah is total introvert, cutie pie, sweetheart. Artistic and nerdy and a midwestern gal like me who loves cats and bakes and does design and went to a christian college like I did. Essentially, it was a bit like dating myself. Which, I’ll admit, I liked much more than I expected. I’m not used to dating anyone quieter than me! Or more thoughtful than me. I was totally getting some feels for her… and I could see she was getting them for me as well. 

Sam is a very cute, charming, and nerdy mischief-maker who is a sarcastic smartass with a heart of gold. She talks quite a bit and wears all her feels on her sleeve and sometimes reminds me of a frazzled professor in the most endearing way possible. She seems to have her heart in the right place and her head on straight. We have extremely different backgrounds in every way… she’s an only child, raised mostly just by her mom on the liberal west coast, and jewish, as opposed to me… big family, conservative midwest, christian as fuck. I like that we are different, but somehow seemed to have arrived at a lot of the same conclusions and values. I very quickly developed a crush on her, and she on me.

All of that sounds well and good. But I was getting more and more stressed out. And even though both of them knew I was dating other people/someone else, I still started to feel perplexed trying to juggle all of the developing feelings and managing my time and energy spent with both of them. It was draining me and ultimately I concluded I just couldn’t handle continuously dating two people. I didn’t want to necessarily be exclusive with either of them, but I knew I couldn’t keep up pursuing them both without driving myself into the ground and causing someone pain in the end. 

I’d like to say the solution was very apparent to me, but it was not. I was surprisingly torn after only this short time (yet another sign that I needed to make a decision before any attachments grew). Ultimately I just tried to follow my gut and pursue the best fit for where I’m currently at… and I ended things with Hannah, and still am continuing to see Sam. I believe it was the right call for me…but I think about things like “I picked the girl who’s more traditionally ‘my type’ (extrovert, funny…etc.), is that good or bad or just the reality of life/attraction?” “Is there a legitimate reason why I wouldn’t want to be with someone so similar to myself?” “Can I keep feelings and sex separate?” I’m still working on those answers. 

Going forward, my focus right now is dating someone while also being deliberate about meeting my own needs and not giving up my things for someone else. Not being her girlfriend, not even being exclusive (aka “the good wife”) … that role is so comfortable for me… I need some more time outside of it still, I feel that. It’s a push and pull. She wants things, she hopes for things. I like her and per my usual—I feel compelled to people please. But as much as she wants attention, she also seems on board with me doing me (which she damn well better be!), and doesn’t push my boundaries in an unhealthy manner. 

As we move forward, I’m just doing my best to keep in touch with my own needs. I think possibly at some point it could mean not dating at all again. I’ve been feeling an itch for that this week and I’m not quite sure why. I’m trying to avoid making knee-jerk reactions based on feelings, while still listening to my gut. 

Something that’s been on my mind since leaving you has been being comfortable with imperfections. I really enjoyed some of the conversations we had. Even small things that you pointed out—like how I always use recipes all the time when I cook, but if I’d like to learn to cook without needing that, being willing to wing it and try recreating things I’ve made before is a good way to start. Even though it might not always turn out, I will learn from it! I loved how you said your favorite part of your fairy garden was that it exists. It’s not the ultimate Pinterest version, but it’s real and it’s growing and it brings you joy. But I think the thing I appreciated the most was when you were talking about everyone’s obsession with having “no regrets”. And how you’ve accepted that it’s ok to have regrets. I have so little patience or compassion for myself when it comes to imperfections. I regret some things from my relationship with Elise. Not that I would have done differently, not that it wasn’t something I needed to learn from or go through.

Some of my decisions are imperfect parts of me.

But they’re parts of me, nonetheless, and I need to love and accept them too. I’m someone, who when I say or do something that feels out of line with my beliefs I protest “that’s not who I am, that’s not me!” But that’s just the thing, those parts ARE me. I can’t only claim the good things. I am not actually me without my imperfections, regrets, mistakes. 

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I’m not sure if that’s making much sense or not. All that to say, thanks for the talks and the time spent. I hope it’s not another five years until I see your face again. But in the meantime, thank you for writing and being a good friend. 

How have things been this week? How are your dates and baes? Have you been out looking for some new good friends, or taking some needed “me” time? Any updates on medical school applications/interviews? 

Love, Ruth

P.S. I love that now I’ll hear your accent when I read your letters!!!