Tag Archives: recovery

Of resistance and growth, and being bigger than we thought

, , , ,

Dear Ruth,

First of all: Happy Spring!

These letters are getting so ridiculously long and I fucking love it. This space is such a great guidance for me and a way to document my processes. (I always have a process going on). First I wanted to thank you for repeating all those things I already know back to me. I needed it. I am not able to delete the convo because it serves a purpose at the moment. I am letting go very very very slowly. Cory is ingrained in the depths of my soul in a sick, masochistic way I don’t understand. This is some Edward and Bella shit: fantastical, unrealistic, boderline abusive. I have to give it to Cory she has been very cooperating. I asked for space and she’s given me space. Out of sight, Out of mind.

On an quick update, Abby completely stopped talking to me. She just dumped me out of the blue (maybe she read the last letter?) I am not sure. I am okay with it because of how the relationship was deteriorating. She’s also my only connection with Cory. I had to unfollow her from social media because it upsets me to see her having fun with AJ and Cory. It may be selfish of me but I get major FOMO and jealousy. (why cannot they all be MY friends? The logic answer is because I am not there but lol, tell that to my aching heart.) She came back to say she wanted to have a phone convo to clear the air but that has not happened. Honestly, I’m just hurt she would not address it. I was legit worried something happened to her and then I saw her snap story, she was okay and just avoiding me. I am not sure what is going to happen there but I feel okay with any outcome.

Key and Karina are done. Key has ghosted me because I called him out on some shady shit he was doing. Karina is just going through her break up. I am emotionally alone and loving it. I am sexually involved with someone I am exploring BDSM with but that’s most of a sexcapade than anything else.

On the school front, I got into a program in Philadelphia and now I am second guessing Boston. It’s cheaper and closer to the people I want near. Philly is winning right now. But updates will keep coming. It feels good to have choices even if it’s only for a plan B.

Now I can reply to your letter,

The Loss. I loved that. Becca’s story was so beautiful and I was really moved. I remember how in love you were with your home. I remember living vicariously through your story. I think your energy remained in the space and all that love and devotion is now Becca’s and her wife. You and Kay had a wonderful love story, I personally do not believe in “the one”, but I definitely believe in the “next one”. I am sure the level of intimacy you had with Kay looks unattainable now, but SHE has not come around yet. Stay in your zone and keep growing bigger, She’s out there.

I feel similarly about Izzy. She’s the only person I have been mutually in love with EVER. I have been in love with people and people have been in love with me, but never both. Only with Izzy I had both and sometimes I feel like I wasted “the one chance”. But then I realize I was not happy and I wanted more. I have not had any luck so far but I am hopeful it’ll happen for me. Hopefully with more than one person #polydreams

I am so incredibly proud of you for your first tattoo! And your choir solo! And your writing dreams! You really are in love with yourself, simmer in that feeling and enjoy your love affair with Ruth. She’s amazing. I am in love with her too. Go get Ruth a powerful Rabbit Dildo and have amazing sex with it. Find new places to take yourself to and spend time in with the cat. One you start dating again this whole love affair will dwindle so ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS. Honeymoons are not eternal.

Also points for you for being friends with old flames like Hannah and Elise. Please don’t fuck them though. No sex for what? Three months? You better stay firm on that. Think of it as revirginizing for “the next one”.

Pulled this today.

This letter is so scattered OMG. But I want to end it by sharing something with you. My new process is to learn to identify the different types of resistance. In my spiritual path as a new-age Christian (best label I can come up with), I have gotten a new deck of cards and looking into a third one (this one but not sure if I am ready to go the tarot route). I have been very attentive to life’s synchronicity and I get a lot of guidance from this one witch named Joanna Devoe whose content I love, I listen to her podcast religiously. She made a video about resistance and I am working on that very strongly.

In case, you don’t feel like watching it I’ll summarize it for you. Good Resistance: when your instincts are pushing against the stressor, it’s the universe trying to protect you from the inside out. Bad resistance: when the universe is trying create changes for you that you are not cooperating with, protecting you from the outside in. The challenge is in telling the difference. This has helped a lot with my relationships, Abby and I were growing apart and resisting it, fighting against the universe. I am growing closer to other friends, I needed to stop resisting and just go with the flow of energy that is happening now.

There has also been a lot of resistance in regards to Cory, to doing a masters program, to being single, etc. I am working in placing the resistance and determining if it’s coming from the universe or from me.

I was thinking about this today and there was a sign that sad RESIST in the highway.  Probably related to the political Resistance. But still, the synchronicities are endless.Then I went for tacos this happened:

SLAY sticker on the OPEN sign of my taco place 🙂

I love you very much.

Enjoy the cat life.
Nora

PS. Some pictures from a quick trip to Las Vegas with my roommate who was working there

 

I probably love me too much

, , , ,

Dear Ruth:

I die of waiting when I don’t hear from you. 

Our weekend together was so magical. Your Merengue moves are on point. I loved welcoming you into my life and my home. Toby definitely enjoyed having an extra petter.  I am happy to report your gardening skills are wonderful and all the plants are indeed still alive (and growing!!). The moss seeds I sprinkled everywhere are starting to grow too.  Here’ some proof:

147416182813320160917_174129

Now when I tend to my garden, I remember our morning there among laughter and dirt. 

I am also still in awe that I met you. That you are in fact a real human, a sexy beautiful tender human. You are so much softer than I thought possible. The cuddles, the tears, the quiet fun. I see why you get the feels so fast and why some people may not appreciate the kindness of your soul. 

Well, I DO! And in an ideal world in which I don’t need to be a doctor and you are not monogamous, I would fly out to Portland, fall in love with you and marry you. But this is the real world, and I need to go back east to my real life and resume my education. 

lost-in-the-sauceWhen it comes to your love life, I am glad you have reached a comfortable place with Sam and I pray to all the gods that you don’t get lost in the sauce. A little bit of sauce makes Pizza, too much sauce makes a mess. Just keep your feelings at a pizza level and have fun with yourself as yourself. After meeting you I can see why you get lost in the sauce so quickly though. You are very easy to love. You are so soft you are almost fluid, shaping yourself around others. This is both the best and the worst of you, I don’t know how you do it. 

I, being the jaded bitch I am on the regular, find myself friendless and loving it. The day that you left I had a conflict with Pixie over her violating my boundaries. She dd not take it well. She blamed me for her self-harm, her suicidal ideation, her misery, basically her entire cocktail of mental illness is my fault. She decided to stop being my friend after that day because I have no compassion and I kick people when they are down. None of the above is true but those were the reasons she gave me.

 The reasons I find true is that I gave her an ultimatum that if things did not change for her by December I could not be her friend. Apparently that’s a bitch move. In my book, this is a self protective move. She took a lot of my time and energy and refuses to put any work into her recovery. I am a high functioning mentally ill person who will drag her ass out of bed to go to work, who has survived 13 years without a family in a foreign country, who has been left by people over and over and have had to pick myself up. I have limited chances to give. 

Pixie needs a lot more help than she’s getting. We had to put her in the psych ward in May and that was not enough of a wake up call for her to seek recovery. That’s her problem, not mine. MY problem is that I cannot be a bystander. I refuse to have people around me that are drowning and just let them drown, OMG no I have to do something. And when I throw them a rope and they pull me in (instead of pulling themselves out), I have no choice but to let go of the rope, and save myself. 

She accepted none of the responsibility for the conflict that triggered the break up and by the time she said she was out, I had been out. She then proceeded to text EVERYONE we know in common and inform them what a bitch I am. Uhhhh my friends bitch MINE!!! GTFOH!! 

tell-me-more

Jayne, also happened to dump me because she was too jealous. Remember her tantrum at the beach? Finally accepted she’s not over me. She and Pixie probs have a “hate Nora” club, and will most likely start a  “no personal responsibility whatsoever” society soon. I was ready for this break up too, because I could not stand the way she completely abandoned Erin (who basically saved her from homelessness) when Erin’s grandfather was diagnosed with cancer. Jayne is completely unable to stay in a situation that makes her in any way uncomfortable Her comfort is her sole motivation, she leaves at the first sign of struggle, and just like Pixie takes and takes from people. 

On that note, I have been in a really weird mood. Key and Princess have been the bestests at giving me space and respecting my weirdness. I met this girl from meet-up and thought we could be friends but no. I have only met her once and she was asking me to host a meet up for her, I said no to that and she trippin’. BYYYEEEEE

This weekend I realized I dont want to make friends. I dont want to hang out with people. I have so much more fun with myself and by myself. I missed July when everything was about me, when I was focused on my needs and recovering from Trace. I miss ME time and puzzles. I think after having so many relationships that were draining me of my soul, I am finally replenishing my spiritual vitamins. 

I am mostly happy. I have been sleeping a lot and cooking a lot. Taking it easy and being free of anyone else’s needs. I miss Cory a lot. This is my only source of sadness. I would not even mind waiting a year to start medical school if it did not mean waiting a year to be near her. 

On the medical school front, I am sitting on dead silence. I mean, the bottom of the abyss in a canyon in Mars  silence: NOTHING. No news is good news. I have not gotten any interviews but also no rejections, which means I am still being considered. THANK GAIA. I am also gaining more trust at work which makes me extremely happy. 

I must now go and finish making my new shaving cream. I’ve been having lots of problems from shaving (ingrown hair, bumps, itch) and I think it’s time to switch to nature’s way. 

Please stay focused on yourself, and keep writing me letters so I don’t die.

Love, 

Nora

PS: This came right on time. Everyone should think like you 🙂 I LOVE IT. It was a very well timed, very relevant surprised. You get me. 

20160914_165023 20160914_164755

 

 

 

 

 

Detox and Restoration

, , , , , ,

Dear Nora,

How has detox July been going for you? How are you handling the aloneness?

I definitely relate to the missing people, missing events, missing … it all. That was the biggest drawback when I chose to move out to Portland. I knew only one person, a cousin, when I moved out the Portland. Everyone else that had filled my life was going to be 2,000 miles away and go on with their lives without me. Our situations are different in this regard though, because for me—I had always seen my dream future and life being out here, and I was doing it solely for me. I wanted it enough to believe it was worth transitioning every other relationship into a long distance one, in order to start and build the life I wanted in the place I felt I belonged. That sounds so selfish. But no one who loved me wanted anything less than that for me. So now, I only see my loves on short trips to the Midwest, and in the meantime, follow from a distance and send bits of love their way, welcome any visitors, and hint to everyone that they should move here.

loves

Some of the loves I got to see in the Midwest

Feelings don’t always have to “make sense”. I even write that begrudgingly, because I find it unsatisfying. But as my therapist reasoned with me—feelings are by nature not thoughts or logic. They can be associated with those things, but sometimes they just…exist. And demand to be felt. That’s how my anger with Elise is right now. Not logical. I have no “right” to be angry with her. We broke up mutually. She moved on. I don’t wish we were still dating. So why da fuq am I mad? The only reason I’ve been able to conjure up is: I am sad. I still am in love with her. I didn’t “want” to break up… but I knew we needed to. And also, I feel guilty for the pain I caused her, because I don’t think she “wanted” to break up either, even though we agreed it was for the best. All of these feelings are… less than happy… and I think seeing that she gets to just “be happy” with someone else and essentially forget about all of this feels like a punch in the gut. Thus, the anger. I don’t have her ability to move on so quickly, I am going to have to work through this a bit longer, and it just doesn’t feel fair she gets to jettison away, leaving me in a pool of shit feelings. That quote that you sent was a good reminder of that as well. Not everything is fair… live with it.

Taking space apart has been the best remedy so far though. We did run into each other about a week ago, and I definitely wasn’t prepared for it. My heart fell into my stomach when I saw her walk into the bar. She bee-lined to me and I could tell was happy to see me. We talked for a good bit, and I was either smiling just because, I love her, or crying because… feelings, and then eventually I had to just shut off the feelings altogether to get through the situation. She apologized for hurting me, and I apologized for hurting her. And we cried and hugged a bit (it’s not truly a lesbian bar until someone is hugging and crying). But I also told her I’m not ready at all yet. She kept asking when we could be friends. “Not yet, but I hope eventually”, was all I could offer. She said she’d wait as long as it took. It was mostly “good”, thank GOD her new gf wasn’t there I would have been mortified, but afterwards I still felt shitty and shaken up. She did make it a point to tell me how “over me” she was, and said “I wish you could just be happy for me, I would be happy for you”… but at least she acknowledged we are just… very different in the way we heal. She said I’m being mean and cold, and I explained I am just doing what I have to do to give myself space to heal. I’m not going to apologize for that, not talking and being stand-offish to her to take care of myself is a world apart from being cruel.

The theme of my July has been “restoration”. I feel like I’m restoring myself to things I had lost touch with that make me who I am.

I got to see important friends and family this month, and I’m working on building stronger friendships here in Portland. And then also, I got back in touch with my ex, I’ll call her Kay. The 6.5 year ex. We had spoken very little since I moved out here 1.5 years ago. I was dating Elise, she was dating someone too. We both moved on with our lives separately from one another. We proved to ourselves we are just fine apart, she was doing her hard work, I was doing mine. Recently mutual friends of ours started dating, and it’s opened up the channels of communication. She made a stop in Portland while doing a cross-country road trip, and we were able to spend some time together talking about how our lives have been since parting, ways we’ve grown and what we’ve learned. Nora, it was so good. It felt like I had my friend back, which was always the best part of our relationship anyway. All of my negative feelings towards her have resolved—I have no anger, resentment, jealousy, hurt… any of that. When I look at her now, I just see this person I love, who knows and loves me well. It feels like a pure kind of love, and everything I was hoping we would be able to regain. The romantic feelings are gone for me, I had to let go of those to heal, but I feel finally ready to have her back in my life, and she wants that more than anything. I could and would be fine without her, but it makes my heart happy to call her my friend, and I’m so proud of the ways she’s grown. I was explaining to my sister… if both of us are in a place where we’re ready to be friends, and it’s a positive thing, why wouldn’t we be? It’d be a sad waste to throw away a person with whom I have mutual love and respect and who knows me so well, and has seen me through the last 9 years of my life, just for some principle or grudge. She made mistakes and hurt me, but I’ve forgiven her… and she won’t hold my heart in that same way anymore.

FullSizeRender

Kay & I

Anyway, that’s all of my reasoning. But ultimately, it just made me happy to see her and catch up. I’m glad she’s saved room in her life for me, and I can definitely make room in mine for her as well. All of this has just given me hope that I can and will get to this point with Elise too.

You said: “I am setting boundaries for myself on how I relate to people and what I am willing to put up with vs what is not negotiable.” That is my task at the moment as well.

First, with friends and others. And then going forward, in the context of a relationship. I’m getting better at saying no to things and not worrying about trying to please everyone. But it’s going to be a really good area for growth. I’ve started dabbling in a dating app, just dipping my toe into the pool. Seeking out only friends or friends-with-benefits situations, I think this is going to help exercise my boundary setting, as well as figuring out more of what I like or don’t like, and need. I’ve never really casually dated or “whored around” and I’ve always said it’s because I’m afraid I’ll get the feels. But then I also realized, I’ve only ever slept with people I already had feelings for, so of course I associate it with that. I think it could be good for me to get a little outside of my comfort zone, and to know my worth independently. It feels good to not have anyone have power over me, to own my own power. Anyway, I don’t know know where I’ll go with it, but I’ll keep you updated. I think it also will help challenge my negative assumptions and feelings about my body and help me feel empowered. We should talk more about that some time, I think I could easily write a whole letter on it. Luckily Portland is a very sex positive, body positive type of community.

I am mine. before I am anyone else’s*.
And I am preparing the space to allow myself the room to grow. *from a poem by Nayyirah Waheed

How about you, what does August hold for you my dear? Single and ready to mingle? I am so happy to have you as a friend.

Love, Ruth

P.S. I get to meet you in like a month! I’m so excited!
P.P.S. I am so sorry about the lack of Trigger Warning—totally fail on that, I was kicking myself. I will be more mindful of that in the future.

Road Trip and Summer Dreams…

, , ,

Dear Ruth

How are you? And more importantly, where are you? I get mad trust issues when you disappear off the face of the earth.  I need to know that you are okay and that your post-break up self is not doing anything self destructive.

20160619_123056

Lake Powell, AZ

 

I went on a road trip from Denver, CO to Las Vegas, NV with stops in several national parks and it was AMAZING. I was so appalled by nature.

 

20160617_111845

AJ at Black Canyon, CO

 

I went with Cory and two friends AJ and D$$. I had never done so much physical activity and they were really encouraging for me to push myself. I can say I like hiking now, although I saw death pretty close in The Grand Canyon. 

 

During the trip, I had to step out and cry one night. I had this horrible guilt about being on vacation because of money. I am in a lot of debt and my income keeps me comfortable but not in a place in which I can afford to NOT be thrifty. Which I am, I rarely pay full price for anything. But a vacation? I know I deserve it and I really really wanted it, but I am an immigrant after all and the WORK, WORK, WORK mentality has me.

After the trip, Cory, AJ and D$$ are staying with me for a week. It has been crazy to have three extra people in my house but I am very happy to be able to share my LA experience with some of my NYC friends. We hiked to the Hollywood sign, rode bikes by the LA river, went to the beach, went to Shakespeare in the park. It has been great.

This is the first time Cory and I get two entire weeks of being together. TWO WEEKS!!!! This is a long time for two people who have gotten a day or two at a time, sometimes only a few hours 4-6 months apart. I met her right before I left New York and most of our history has been long distance. This is the person I was talking to while with my ex. I am in love with her, two years later and never having properly dated her. It is a problem. The silver lining: it’s mutual.

IMG-20160619-WA0003

Cory and I, HorseShoe Bend, AZ

They leave tomorrow and I know I must prepare to set back into a reality in which I am alone and need to stay that way. I started therapy and one of my goals is to remain focused on me and fulfill my own need for attention instead of recurring to dating every time out of boredom or loneliness. The truth is, I don’t really want to be in a relationship. Especially since I am applying to Medical School and don’t know where I will be in the fall of 2017. I want this last year out of school to be for me and about me. I need healing, I need recovery. I need to forgive myself for allowing people to hurt me, for trusting the wrong ones with my heart. I need to forgive others too. But I cannot do it alone. I need the structure and support from a professional to make this happen. 

I thought about Trace during the trip. I was trying to make sense of why I fell out of love as hard and as quickly as I did. I needed to know what they meant to me, what they represented in my life. Only thing I could come up with is that they are my pattern. I remember you asking me if I felt like anyone was permanent and the answer was no. I think I am looking for a family. I subconsciously go for people who are somehow alone or in need (I do this with friendships too) and I try to make myself so indispensable that they would never leave me. This, of course, fails every time. They leave or I leave. It’s not sustainable and it’s not healthy.

I arrived at this conclusion because I have lots of insecurities with Cory since she’s younger, pretty, privileged, etc and I do not feel like there’s anything she needs that I can give her. However, she chooses me again and again.

She WANTS me. What a fucking concept.

It’s been such a process, I blocked Trace from my phone. They were playing this game in which they text me whenever they feel like it and equally ignore me, so I think they can text the air forever since I won’t get their texts anymore. I asked them to mail my clothes (and this beautiful heels I left in their house) and they insisted in dropping them off (so they can see me) and I just feel like it was gonna be a manipulation situation that I don’t need to be involved in. I blocked them and I don’t think I’ll hear from them again unless they get really creative with the stalking, which I doubt. I can go to payless and get my nude heels again, that’s what coupons are for.

I think I am in a good place but I have SO MUCH WORK TO DO. In myself, for myself, by myself. I must be my own family, my own partner, my own lover.

IMG-20160626-WA0003

Being active is part of caring for myself and my health, Toby is loving it.

I must learn to motivate myself and enjoy my company. I must take better care of my body. I must take better care of my finances and I need to get into medical school.

The summer marks the beginning of a new year for me, since I came to America in June, I start counting in June. This year I am going to focus on growing spiritually and emotionally. It’s the last year in my 20s and I am going to make it count.

What are you up to? Can you please update me before I go bananas on social media and stalk the hell out of you?

Thank you for listening to my constant rants. Having you and this space keeps me accountable.

Love,

Nora

P.S. AJ and Cory are going to continue their road trip up the west coast and may stop in Portland. Is there a chance you can host them for a night or two? How epic would that be?