Monthly Archives: December 2016

Welcome be the Winter

Dear Ruth:

It took you a month to reply to me and I am responding in  a week  because I was waiting anxiously for your letter. Thank you for writing to me and please don’t torture me like this.

First of all, I totally fell for the joke. I had started texting my guerrilla friends in the Colombian Jungle and they were getting a militia together to rescue you from moving in with anyone. I had to cancel the entire operation but I am so relieved it was not true. It makes me so happy you and Lily are growing together. You are going to meet the parents so things are getting pretty serious.

How do you feel about meeting the parents and how official that makes it?

CAT!!!!!!!!!

I want Magpie in my arms right now! She’s so beautiful and huggable. It is amazing you found a new place and a new companion in so little time. It feels like a final step from moving on from Elise and that relationship. I love that you are doing all the things for you WHILE being in a relationship. Those two things should not be mutually exclusive but they often are.

I envy what you are experiencing right now with setting roots unto a place. Kind of settling in Portland and creating a community independent of your partner or family. I want to do that too. I want to move to Philadelphia and go to medical school, make the place my home and extend my roots. Unfortunately, I am still sitting in the silence and have only heard more Nos. I am suffering hard by what seems to be the death of my dreams. However, I am making Plan Bs that would land me in Philadelphia. I really want to be closer to my people.

.

Last week was the Winter Solstice. It is the darkest day of the year. The longest night. I had a small ritual as I pondered on the similarities between what nature is experiencing vs what is happening with my life. I have been in such dark places this year. So many break ups, so much abandonment, loneliness, tears, depression. But the night has to come to an end and from now end the days will start lengthening giving way into the summer. That is me. I already feel the waves of  improvement in a lot of areas, things are going to get better and who knows, maybe I even get into medical school.

When it comes to our country’s situation, we are going to have to agree to disagree. I think it’s time to riot, set shit on fire, BURN THE PATRIARCHY, make noise. We will be heard. We have to organize and move. History has proved that, unfortunately, revolutions require violence. The Black community has had to FIGHT for every single thing they ever got. So in my opinion, this is not the time to stay silent and send  thoughts and prayers. It is the time for action, and if that action requires rioting, let’s motherfucking riot.

Coming from Indiana, your experience is completely different than mine. You care about the Midwest and you experienced first hand how differently they live. It is impossible for me to empathize with entire states of people who decided a rapist racist should be the leader. Who have entrusted our country to this monster and now entire communities have to live in fear. If someone does not have fear under this presidency, they have privilege. It’s as simple as that.

To answer your gazillion questions, I am feeling better. New meds kicking in well and they help me stay motivated. I have been knitting like crazy and actually went to a fair to sell my hats. Even my etsy store is populated with whatever I did not sell. I have been productive and doing some great self care. Dog sitting is going well, the holidays help a lot and I have had several little fuckers come stay with me. I am still seeing Key and I have met two lovely ladies from okc, karina and Sandra (not their real names).

Karina is a native Angelina who works with plants. Sandra is from San Francisco, she’s Colombian and Venezuelan and works with youth. I am taking it slow with both of them but I am happy where we are, getting to know each other, enjoying each other’s company. And the company of this bird who crashed one of my dates.

 

 

Cory and I went from Limbo to Hell. And the whole thing burned in flames. I was planning a trip to see her on her birthday, she was supposed to help me pay for it (just because I wanted to feel like she was involved). A week prior to her birthday, according to Cory (several people have pointed out she could be lying) her mother showed up in her school and told her that if she saw me she would be cut off from her family. Cory had to make a decision and she chose her family. I don’t think she understands parents make those threats to manipulate their kids until they no longer can. But Cory was not open to negotiation or risking making her mother upset. I really think it’s about money and not wanting to be cut off financially. But that’s just my opinion. She said she could not justify me even to herself and refused to talk on the phone. Her mother hates me because she thinks I turned her gay and I am brown. YES. SHE HATES ME FOR THE COLOR OF MY SKIN. How ridiculous is that.

I wish I could say I am over the whole thing but I love this person so much more than I should. It hurts that she wouldn’t fight for me, it hurts that her being financially comfortable is more important than having me in her life, it hurts that she would not defend me against a racist, especially since she’s related to the racist, it hurts that she can just let it go. Just like that. Bye Nora.

It hurts everyday. I really thought she was it.

I am allowing myself to heal. I know I have to let go of her, and I am trying, but is hard. I secretly hope for a miracle. I have this crazy fantasy in which I get home from work and she’s in my front porch with flowers telling me she worked it out with her family and is ready to make a commitment. Imagine that. Yeah, that’s not happening.

But that is where my heart has been, reaching for the impossible, resisting acceptance, insisting that our love was real and that it will survive. I should know better than to feel this way, but I don’t. I was operating under the assumption that she was in my life long term. I want to at least be her friend, especially since we have my best friend Abby in common and she hates being in the middle of it all. I do not want to lose Abby over this. I already lost one significant person.

That is the biggest source of anxiety for me right now. And my school plans, that’s a big stressor too.

I spent Christmas surrounded by dogs, watching Christmas movies and eating Pizza. We ordered deep dish all the way from Chicago and I cannot wait. Still debating what New Year’s is going to look like.

I hope you find time to write while traveling and that I don’t have to wait another month.

Love,

Nora

PS: Got this on the mail. Made my night, I love presents in the mail.

Beginning a Revolution

Dear Nora,

It’s been too long! A month, in fact, since you have written me and I have been so slow to reply. I’m sorry for that. I hope you have been well. I’m glad at least to follow you on social media and see that you’re alive and doing all the things. How have you been feeling? How are the new meds you’ve started? How is the dog sitting business going? Any nice OKC dates? Any more word from Mars? From Cory in limbo land? So many questions for you!

And so much news for you as well.

I moved! As you know I had been living in Elise & I’s apartment post-breakup and was stretching to pay for it all myself. It was time to get out. I gave my notice that I would not renew the lease as soon as it ended, packed up all my things, and voila! New start!

I know you will kill me when I tell you this. But Lily and I talked it over. Yes, it’s only been 3 months… but we’ve been spending so many nights together, and it just felt silly to pay two separate rent payments in an increasingly expensive city. Nora, it was only logical! She had room in her place for me, so…

Well… you know. Don’t send the army!

Ok… I am only kidding. I had to mess with you just a little—did you believe me? I did in fact move, but to my very own little studio apartment, signed complete with a one-year lease and all of my stuff snuggly settled. It feels so great and I love it and it suits me.

I do not live there alone, but my roommate is only 7 lbs and eats canned food like a little monster and she likes to chase feathery things and climb on top of me when I am stationary. She meows at me in the morning, and purrs when I scoop her up and hold her. First thing I did once I got the new apartment was drive out to the shelter and pick out a cat to take home. It was love at first sight with a black and white cat who I’ve named Magpie. She is my little love, and I intend for her to live until I am at least 50 years old. I cannot put into words how happy it has made my heart to bring her home and have her, knowing I get to keep her and care for her for a very long time. Right now I am sitting in bed and she is laying by my feet, warm little ball of fur contentedly snoozing.

Meeting Magpie at the shelter (L), Magpie in my kitchen (R)

Starting over in my new little apartment, with my new little cat, it’s felt a bit like a parallel to my life 2 years ago. When I just had moved to Portland, set up in my first apartment here with the cats. Before I moved in with Elise. Before I sent the cats to their other homes.

I think about that version of me and I feel as though I’ve changed a lot since I was her.

I feel stronger than her, maybe a tiny bit wiser, or more cynical and cautious. I trust myself more. I know myself better. I love myself more. I’ve started to put down roots in this new place and feel like I’m becoming part of communities here. All of that independent from any relationship.

In November, Lily and I and some other friends went to Boston and for some friends’ wedding, and I also celebrated my 30th birthday there. It was special and memorable and reflective for me. It was also somewhat overshadowed by the heartbreaking news of Trump’s victory a few days before. We stayed up late watching elections that Tuesday night, horrified as hope dwindled painfully over those long hours. At some point it was looking so grim I passed out in bed and awoke the next morning to the worst case scenario. It felt impossible, Nora. But here we are.

A friend of mine who lives in Indiana told me while she was visiting this summer, “Ruth, you don’t get it out here in Portland, you don’t know what a real possibility it is he will win.” And I blew her off. That’s what we all did. We blew it off. We made him into a comical sketch and laughed at his absurdity, and now he’s laughing at all of us. Another friend on the west coast said in disbelief: “I had no idea I lived in such a bubble”. 

There is a sick pit in my stomach thinking about all the power he will have, all the things that felt like progress that could be undone. I’m so discouraged. I can’t imagine feeling all of that, and then in addition feeling afraid for my muslim or immigrant status, or whatever else he may choose to target that he considers “un-American”. 

I’ve also been feeling the need to understand. It’s so tempting to label all of the red in the middle as dumbfuckistan. But that misses the whole point. Laughing at them doesn’t help. Hating them doesn’t help. Demonizing other people has never once helped bridge any gap. There is a gap in this country. And as much it infuriates me that it feels like we’ve taken steps backwards, I know that those 62,979,616 people who voted for Trump are not all idiots, they are not all evil, they are not all racist or homophobic, or anti-the-environment or anti-immigrant. I grew up in Indiana and spent my whole life there around those communities of people.

Life is not black and white. It is a big puddle of gray.

And there are honest, hard-working, kind-hearted people who voted for Trump with good, albeit misguided, intentions–whether or not you can believe it. I disagree with their choice wholeheartedly, but the information they received in their corner of the world helped them believe they were making the right call. I pray to the universe that he does no irreversible damage. I am terrified, and a little in denial. I don’t know what the answer or plan of action is here. But I don’t think it’s rioting in the streets and beating effigies of Trump or bullying those who voted for him. I remember conservative people saying horrible, awful hateful things about Obama when he was elected. It’s hard for me not to shudder when I hear those same things now being said by liberals around me about Trump. Are we no different? We have to be different. We have to look for ways to bridge the fucking gap and understand each other. After all, isn’t that what we’re asking them to try to do? Understand us and care about us? I think it has to go both ways.

Ok, my rant is over! I LOVED what you said: ” I want to be more open I want to advocate and do activism. I wanna fight for Black Lives, women’s rights, reproductive rights, gay rights, accessible healthcare, removal of mental health stigma. The Trump administration is going to be the beginning of my revolution.” I think that’s a really good way to approach this.

If nothing else, this should be our biggest motivator of all time to make shit happen. 

Lily and I are moving right along, three months into our new relationship. I can safely say it is unlike any relationship I’ve ever been in. It doesn’t feel suspenseful or half-assed or entangled or co-dependent or game-ridden or fraught with tension or needy. There’s no element of trying to get the other person to do or say or feel what you want. I’m not saying all of my previous relationship experiences have been bad… but this feels remarkably different and healthy. It feels almost silly now that I had ever settled for less of a good fit than this. She blows me away Nora. I am surprised daily by her kindness and thoughtfulness. I can feel how genuinely she likes me, not because of what I add to her, or change in her, or because of something I do or say or a role I fill, or something I may become. She loves me just as me, not because I offer anything.

Because I’m me, she loves me.

I feel safe with her in a new way. She is unselfish, un-manipulative, sincere and honest. She is so happy for me at my new apartment with Magpie, and doesn’t guilt trip me when I need space or alone time. But is always happy and excited to see me again, and makes me feel like a queen. I am doing my best to be cautiously optimistic and keep my eyes open, and watch my words so that time can do what it does best—boils things down to the truth. But I am hopeful, and I think that is ok. She makes me laugh, and when I don’t feel like laughing she cares to take the time to find out why. I’m playful and unguarded with her in a way that continues to surprise me.

At the wedding in Boston with Lily

We haven’t fought at all yet. Should that worry me? I would say yes if one of us was giving in all the time or being a pushover, but it feels pretty balanced and the not-fighting seems to be a result of just open communication and generally on the same page about most things.

She is definitely a hopeless romantic type, but also with a firm foot in reality. She hasn’t gotten caught up in all the things like I have. She hasn’t actually been in a relationship, have I mentioned that? Some of it has to do with her coming out later in life. I also think it’s because she didn’t seem to feel the need just to be with someone, unless it was someone she felt a really strong connection with. She is pretty content and happy on her own, and spent her 31 years of being single traveling and forming good friendships and getting to know herself well and working at becoming the person she wanted to be, as well as furthering her education and career. I admire and respect her so much for that. I remember my desperate feelings of wanting to find someone, even at age 21. But I can tell she isn’t with me just to be with someone. She’s with me because she would pick me, even if she had dated many people before me. As she should! I am pretty great, after all. I joke with her that she just started with the best first (but I also mean it) and saved herself some trouble. 

I am headed off tomorrow to spend Christmas with her and her family. In Florida… of all places. I’ll try to not wait forever to send more updates. In the meantime, tell me all the things! 

Love, Ruth

P.S. I know I’m being pretty insufferable with this in-love new relationship boring monogamy crap. #sorrynotsorry You know I can’t help it!

P.P.S. Trace, please go away and leave Nora alone.