I am answering my last letter since you seem to be too busy lesbianing to write to me…but that’s fine because it makes me realize how much I miss you and forces me to write to you. I had fun in my trip to Woodstock, NY. Small town vibes, I dig it.
First of all, I will have you know. that I am using this blog as coping mechanism/procrastination tool because I cannot study. This weekend has been a lot of wasted time because depression and anxiety are having a party in my brain. I am fighting it as best I can but I had a really rough week that felt like a hurricane and now I am picking up the pieces.
I had three exams. I did not do well. I also did not fail, but I am disappointed because I put in SO MUCH WORK. This program is breaking me in ways that I did not expect and that has made me doubt the legitimacy of my goals. I often ask myself how badly I need to be a doctor and why. This is extremely hard and if I do not succeed in this program, that probably means I don’t have the academic stamina to be a doctor and that idea scares. I am sure I can find something else to do with my life, but I have such a fear of failure.
I realized last night as I lay in the dark, unable to sleep, running on anxiety that I am trying to overachieve because I want to make my pain count. I want to do something so big that it makes up for the amounts of loneliness and suffering I have experienced. I left my family really early in life and I have missed out so much of the human experience that I want to make up for it with a career. This wound never heals and nothing I do or stop doing makes the loneliness better.
Medicine is not a career you can do for the wrong reasons. So this is my tester. I need to divorce my emotional shortcomings from my career plans and approach them separately and directly. I do not know why it took me so long to realize this but better late than never.
I have 4 exams coming up together and I am behind in material because I have mostly watched Netflix and cried. (The Gaga movie had me bawling). Also, I miss Toby a lot.
As you can conclude from my rant above, your care package came in SO HANDY. I have actually made the tea into Ice Tea and it is the bomb. The light catcher is on my window and it’s the best thing to look at in the morning when I don’t want to get out of bed. You are the bestest and I am so lucky to have you.
Let me give you a short update on the Queer Philly: I am starting to like it. I decided to give that queer couple who stood me up a second chance and they have made the best of it. Their names are L & M. M is supper femme and L is gender-queer. They have given me a lot of attention and I am enjoying dating them a lot. I am getting a little scared because, naturally, I am starting to develop feelings for them. It’s such a strange experience to have these emotions grow simultaneously for two people. I almost do not know what to do.
I am being careful, however. I am keeping taps on my heart and making sure I go slow. I am open to falling in love if and only if the other person expresses that they want that also.
I am not going there alone again. HELLS TO THE NO.
Being 30 makes me feel really empowered. I no longer feel like I am figuring it out, I now know things. I trust myself so much more and regardless what depression and anxiety have to say, I am genuinely happy where I am in live. I built this whole new life in a whole new city by myself and for myself, in a matter of months.The only thing I really wish I could change was Toby leaving, but that is not anyone’s fault.
I want to hear all about you. I want to hear about Jessie and being in love again, at this age, with this person. I was reading some love quotes, and I wanted to gift you this one:
TELL ME EVERYTHING
I love you dearly