Tag Archives: toby

Big Love

Holy shit Nora,

I am so sorry for what you are going through with Toby. I wish he could talk to you too. But I know he’d just say “Nora, you’ve taken such good care of me and I love you so much”. It is breaking my heart that this decision is falling on you. I hope for your sake he passes on his own. I don’t think it’s selfish for you to want that at all. Someone making that decision for someone they love so much is such a fucked up thing to have to do, but I know it is unavoidable sometimes. Is there someone who can be there with you if it comes to that? I don’t want you to do this on your own! Call a friend from New York and have them hop on a train. Get some support there, stat. I mean it.

Your story of the bird was beautiful and sad, but I’m glad you received that message from the universe. It’s ok for you to not know what to do here. It’s ok for you to not be able to pull the plug. It’s ok for you to not be ready to let go.

There is no right and wrong here. Sometimes there’s just an unfair and sucky situation. You love the shit out of that little dog, and any way you choose to handle this ending is right.

Have every ounce of compassion for yourself you can muster. Toby wants that for you. He knows how much you love him, no matter what. This is NOT an easy one to let go of, temporary as all things are. I know you accept that things can’t be forever, but that doesn’t mean you have to be ok with it. That doesn’t make it not hurt like hell.

It feels kind of dumb talking about my intergalactic rainbows when you’re going through this. Even though my head is in the clouds right now, I’m still here Nora! Seriously reach out if you need someone to talk to going through this. Or text me. Or email. Just don’t do this alone. I know you CAN do it alone. But you don’t need to.


My intergalactic girl is named Jessie. She came out of nowhere (well, technically we met through mutual friends). My fear over the past couple of years has been that something inside me broke after Kay and I’d lost the ability to fall deeply in love in a lasting way. Like I was destined forever to find wonderful people, but not have all of the passion & peace I once had. Meeting Jessie has not only proven that fear wrong to me, but exceeded all of my expectations of what I could feel for someone.

Me, in love.

Please excuse me while I wax poetic for a bit.

I’ve never felt so sure of a relationship. On my deepest soul level.

This experience is so profound I’m lacking vocabulary for it. Is there something in Spanish to describe this? “In love” doesn’t do it justice. In love sounds like my heart–but this is all of my cells, and my heart and soul and brain… lit up. That’s what it is… she lights something in me that no one has ever lit before, something I didn’t know was there. That’s the best way I can describe it.

I realize by normal measurements of time this doesn’t make any sense. But I feel like it’s being measured on a different level. Nothing else has felt this balanced. We’re both all in. How the actual fuck does that happen??

possessed-by-aliens-cookie-baking

I have been in love before and dated wonderful people. I’m not discrediting those experiences. But I have never fallen so hard and so right, so that something has felt this good. I’m having trouble touching back down to earth.

My heart doesn’t feel big enough to contain all that I’m feeling and I’m afraid it’s going to explode. In so little time!

I feel like loving her is going to expand my heart bigger than it’s ever been.

All of my gut stuff and resistance stuff feels like it makes sense now. Yes I was mad at it, (I didn’t realize you hate my gut too! You should join the official “we hate Ruth’s gut club”). But it’s like I was trying to guard this spot for her, but I didn’t know that’s what I was doing. My gut has just been doing a happy dance since I met her, and it’s like I felt this big sigh of relief. The resistance and restlessness is gone. No more fighting my singleness or dating-ness. No more arbitrary dates or goals or fighting for balance. I am exactly where I want to be. I want to be hers. I want her to be mine. Signed, sealed, delivered.

Do you think there are things that are parts of us that exist outside of time and place and know better than our present selves?

I know I sound like I’m on drugs right now, and honestly it feels that way a little bit. We are both afraid the other person is going to snap out of it, while simultaneously insisting that “I am not going to”. From the outside I’m sure we’re insufferable. When I’m around her I just want to… stare into her eyes and have some point of physical contact at all times. When I’m not around her I think of her all the time. I cannot NOT smile when I’m looking at her. I laugh all the time. I cuddle in as close as humanly possible and it’s still not close enough. I want to know every layer of her that makes her who she is. The good and the bad.

be still, my heart

Physically I feel so, so good with her Nora. We have a shit ton of chemistry and it’s like I just can’t get enough of her. Everything about her turns me on and it’s like she IS a strand of a drug designed just for me. It’s flowed so naturally and is amplified by all of the out-of-this-world feels.

I keep trying to confirm that she is real and not a dream. I will report back here if I discover she’s been an illusion all along. But it does feel like I’ve met my actual dream girl, and even though the romantic side of me is ready to accept that reality, the cynical, logical side of me is still saying “whaaa?? this is too good to be true…” 

I swear I haven’t lost all sense. It’s just…. it’s worth it. No matter what happens. She’s worth it. I’d risk it all for her. Even if this ends in my heart totally broken—I can’t not try with her. I suppose I may read these words later and weep. But I know I’m not going to regret going all in. I believe I deserve a really big love, and I’m doing this for myself. 

If you meet your dream girl, and you have a chance with her, is there really any other way to proceed other than going all in? Faint heart never won fair lady, after all.

Time is going to teach me things in this. I know it’s early. I know we have so much to learn about each other. My eyes are open. I haven’t forgotten the lessons the past 3 years have taught me. I feel that I am only here right now because of the things I’ve learned. I am only ready for her because of the work I’ve done for myself.

Ok, I think that’s probably enough for one letter. I don’t want your eyes to get tired from all of the eye rolling. 😛 Just accept me as I am Nora! You know I’m a hopeless romantic.


We received a really beautiful letter from a reader who I will call Jane. I am going to publish it shortly. I’m still thinking about a reply. I know it is addressed to me, but I think it’d be valuable for both of us to weigh in on it if that’s something you’d like to do. Look for it soon!

I love you and I’m sending all the good thoughts and love to you and Toby.

Love, Ruth

Fuck that.

Dear Nora,

I have no words. I’m so sorry I didn’t see your letter until this morning.

Fuck the fucking universe—why little Toby??

Three to twelve weeks?? I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS.

This is heart breaking!! I cannot imagine what you’re feeling. I am so angry and upset for you. And for little Toby–I’m glad dogs don’t understand things going on, and he will continue to hopefully live in blissful ignorance and enjoy his time with his most favorite human on earth.

He has had the best life with you, Nora. He is your little family. This is such a blow, losing him is a huge, deep loss and I am so very sorry this is happening. I will be thinking of you both and praying for the universe to allow him to go without pain.

I wish I could say or do something to make this better. FUCK THIS!!! Why is life so fucking unfair??

Call or text me any time if you need to talk or cry about it. Seriously girl, at any time.

Mourning with you,

Ruth

P.S. I know I owe you a longer letter, but everything else in the world right now feels stupid compared to this.

P.P.S. Also, this is not at all the same, because I didn’t have Sweetums as long as you’ve had Toby and I willingly gave her away. But she died last summer, after I sent her to live with a friend she got hit by a car, and I really mourned that, privately. I sat and looked at hundreds of pictures of her and sobbed and felt guilty for giving her up. Regrets, man. Lily made me this little memorial of her, living out her last days outside in Alaska and it made me fall to pieces. All of that to say, you are losing a best friend. I am sure you will love the shit out of him while he’s still running around by your feet and give him all the cuddles and treats. I personally love pets more than most people. Any and all grieving you need to do is valid and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

So much for transitioning smoothly

Dear Ruth, 

Guess who decided to get cancer?

Can you belive this mofo? He’s bouncing on me. 

A couple of weeks ago I felt a small lump on his neck. He was not feeling ill at all but the lumps were not going away. I made a vet appointment and had him tested for the origin of the  problem. 

Toby has lymphoma and the prognosis isn’t good. I cannot afford chemotherapy and I would not really put him through just to extend his life for a couple of months. He’s on some palliative medications and he will not be in pain. It should improve his quality of life but not really extend it much. 

They give him three to twelve weeks. I wish I could tell you how devastated I am. 

I sat here yesterday experiencing all five stages of grief, simultaneously. Today, I got busy and forgot for a couple of hours. But the sadness he comes back in waves and returns me to reality. 

I am going to lose my baby. I have to put him to sleep at some point. A part of me, wants to find him dead at some point instead of having to be the one to pull the trigger. 

This is so unfair. He’s only 5 years old. 

My heart is mourning. 

Love, 

Nora

PS. This is us last Sunday reading Spanish poems. He understands me.