Tag Archives: friendship

New chapter, new city, new decade, new prospects

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Dear Ruth, 

Oh the sweet taste of revenge!!! 

JK I promise it was not on purpose I have been oscillating like a pendulum with so much shit going on. Whenever there’s a free day I literally sleep through it. Last I wrote to you I was in California packing. SO MUCH has happened and I will try to make this letter as short as possible without neglecting anything. 

I moved to NYC on May 16, put 5 suitcases in a plane and got my dog on board. He’s good on planes. I stayed with a friend for two weeks, then moved to another friend for what was supposed to be two months. However, I was accepted into an accelerated masters program in Drexel (I have to complete 15 months of studying and if I have the grades I am immediately accepted to their med school). I am happy with it because it’s the closest to getting into medical school I could possibly get. I just have to work really hard this year. I moved to Philadelphia on June 14 and started my program June 19. You can imagine the chaos. 

Adventures in NYC: left top- a whale saying hello, right top-longest ever pool game since none of us could play, left down- Figment Arts Festival in NYC, right down- me reading tarot for my friends

  

 

While I was in NYC, for around a month, I saw Cory once. It was a friendly hangout and there was nothing romantic to it. We could both tell that there were some lingering feelings there but neither of us was interested in pursuing them. She has a monogamous girlfriend and I have no interest in her at all. Fast forward a month when I am already in Philly, Cory says she cannot talk to me anymore because it makes her girlfriend jealous or some monogamous shit . We have not spoken since and I hope I never see her face again in my entire life because I have wasted enough of myself in this person.

NEXT. 

I did not see Abby. We texted, I sent her a postcard. She occasionally still texts me and I do her, but it’ll never be the same. I wish I could somehow repay her  for everything she did for me emotionally but I doubt I’ll ever have an opportunity. It is a sad ending to a good story. 

Now, in the polyamorous adventures I must tell you…NYC blessed me with this QUEEN. (Oh may gawddddd I am so infatuated) This story starts the first Friday I was in NYC. It was a warm summer night and I was hanging out with a friend. We matched on OKCupid and started talking. I made it clear I was looking to make out with someone because it had been a long time for me and she was down. We met at a bar and sat under the NYC pollution and kissed all night. She’s smol, has curly hair and blue eyes. Her lips are the magic of the oceans…It was amazing. We kept talking and seeing each other and when I was accepted to my program We had a conversation about trying to talk long distance. She agreed and we are still talking. She came to see me for July 4th and I am supposed to go see her soon. Everything is so easy with her. We speak the same language, we are on the same wavelength on a lot of  things. She also has depression so she GETS it. 

I am also talking to a girl in Philadelphia who has caught my attention. We hung out a couple of times and things are evolving but she’s a lot less expressive than me so it’s going very slowly with her. 

omw to Philly

Now, in terms of adulting I LOVE PHILADELPHIA but it has been extremely hard. First of all, I am not working. For the first time in my life I am not working. I don’t have any savings and living off loans is stressful as fuck. I cannot function without a paycheck and I am losing my mind. I am working on maximizing my financial aid and trying to get private loans for this first year but ohmysweetjesus is this stressful. 

Besides the obvious lack of money, the second challenge has been friends. Most people in my program live in the dorms (for the summer) and they are all bonding while I am up here alone in my apartment. I do have one roommate moving in but not until August. I spend a lot of time alone and I feel really isolated in school. I have two friends in Philly, one I made from Okcupid and one from my school in Brooklyn. Through them I am meeting other people and going to hang out, etc. so I am not friendless. However, ever since I got to America I have struggled to fit in with my peers and starting this program, feeling like the odd one out all the time, has not been good for me at all. 

So between the financial stress and the lack of support system I have been on the edge of depression. I can say that I have fought it really hard and used every coping mechanism I know of in order to stay in charge of my life. It’s exhausting battling with a mental illness that stalks you like a monster looking for an opportunity to come in and ruin your life. I have been in Philadelphia for almost a month now and I can see the fog lifting. The worse is over. I hope that the trend continues so that in the next letter I can focus on happier things. 

 

 

Tobias is alive and kicking. It has been 8 weeks since he was diagnosed and he’s doing okay. he takes his meds every day and we’ve had very few incidents. I can see his energy is not what it used to be but he is okay for now. He absolutely loved the package you sent him. I still have to make the doggie cake though. He seems to like Philadelphia well enough. 

Now about you: WHAT ON EARTH?!?!?!?!?!?! 

First of all, allow me to comment on you comparing your partners to your ex: STAHP IT.

Kay was a DISASTER. Yes it was nice and long and the first love blah blah. But it was also unhealthy, dishonest, disloyal, heartbreaking. I am sure that’s not what you want. If you are using this relationship as the “standard” of what you are looking for, you need to change your standards. Kay was a scratch in the surface of what happiness can feel like. As you said two letters ago, you are not the same.

You are a BETTER you. So you are going to love harder, better, deeper. 

I am glad you dated Hannah and I am sad you two broke up. I cannot say I fully understand what happened here. Was it the same with Lily? (she’s not the one/you are not in love kinda thing). It is hard for me to relate to this “date to mate” concept. Is it like you would only love someone if they can promise you a forever? That is so unfair! What if they have 3 months to live? No love for them. What if they are moving to another country in six months? No love for them. What if they are in a life transition, like I was in Los Angeles? No love for the transient. 

I have always said that after you meet “the one”. you will meet “the next one”. I convinced myself from some stupid teenage fantasy that Cory was the one. And here I am wishing I had never met her.

“The one” is a lie my friend. “The one” does not exist. “The one” was created to keep you unhappy and looking for something. There’s no “one”. You are “the one” in charge of your happiness. 

Think about it, if you meet “the one” does that invalidate every other love story in your life? does that mean all others were not real? What if you meet “the one” and she dies? You don’t find another “one”?. Try to divorce from this notion so you can love freely and unexpectedly. 

I wonder what it is you are looking for and cannot find. I wonder why your gut is such a party pooper. I wonder what role love actually plays in this search of yours. Please tell me. 

Since you asked, I am closing this letter with my 30 year old crisis: I have nothing. That’s it. I don’t have money, accomplishments, partners, kids. I have done nothing with my life. At the same time, I feel like starting my upper education at this point has made it easier to deal with the crisis. I have nothing BUT I am working on it and by the time I am 40, I will have something. The partner part is the hardest because you cannot really plan for that. It happens or it does not. You cannot MAKE it happen, the way you do a job or an education. So I just hope I do find partners to share my life with, but I am not settling for crumbs anymore or eating anyone’s shit. I am a goddess and should be treated as such. 

#30 #istillgotit

 

And to think this time last year I was in love with Cory and mourning trace.

Today I am in love with myself and mourning nobody. So much progress. 

I love you and I miss you too. You are welcome to visit anytime. You are a vital part of my life and I am sorry you cannot find what you are looking for in love. Give magpie a big hug, or not, I don’t think cats like those. 

I will be better at writing since I am better settled now. I start therapy tomorrow and that should help manage the crazy. 

Stay Strong

Love

Nora

PS: I will read tarot for you. Think of a question and when you have it, I’ll draw.

PPS. I finally deleted the email I had saved of the last conversation with Cory when she said all those mean things. It’s gone. I no longer need it. I thought you’d be glad to know.

 

 

 

Of resistance and growth, and being bigger than we thought

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Dear Ruth,

First of all: Happy Spring!

These letters are getting so ridiculously long and I fucking love it. This space is such a great guidance for me and a way to document my processes. (I always have a process going on). First I wanted to thank you for repeating all those things I already know back to me. I needed it. I am not able to delete the convo because it serves a purpose at the moment. I am letting go very very very slowly. Cory is ingrained in the depths of my soul in a sick, masochistic way I don’t understand. This is some Edward and Bella shit: fantastical, unrealistic, boderline abusive. I have to give it to Cory she has been very cooperating. I asked for space and she’s given me space. Out of sight, Out of mind.

On an quick update, Abby completely stopped talking to me. She just dumped me out of the blue (maybe she read the last letter?) I am not sure. I am okay with it because of how the relationship was deteriorating. She’s also my only connection with Cory. I had to unfollow her from social media because it upsets me to see her having fun with AJ and Cory. It may be selfish of me but I get major FOMO and jealousy. (why cannot they all be MY friends? The logic answer is because I am not there but lol, tell that to my aching heart.) She came back to say she wanted to have a phone convo to clear the air but that has not happened. Honestly, I’m just hurt she would not address it. I was legit worried something happened to her and then I saw her snap story, she was okay and just avoiding me. I am not sure what is going to happen there but I feel okay with any outcome.

Key and Karina are done. Key has ghosted me because I called him out on some shady shit he was doing. Karina is just going through her break up. I am emotionally alone and loving it. I am sexually involved with someone I am exploring BDSM with but that’s most of a sexcapade than anything else.

On the school front, I got into a program in Philadelphia and now I am second guessing Boston. It’s cheaper and closer to the people I want near. Philly is winning right now. But updates will keep coming. It feels good to have choices even if it’s only for a plan B.

Now I can reply to your letter,

The Loss. I loved that. Becca’s story was so beautiful and I was really moved. I remember how in love you were with your home. I remember living vicariously through your story. I think your energy remained in the space and all that love and devotion is now Becca’s and her wife. You and Kay had a wonderful love story, I personally do not believe in “the one”, but I definitely believe in the “next one”. I am sure the level of intimacy you had with Kay looks unattainable now, but SHE has not come around yet. Stay in your zone and keep growing bigger, She’s out there.

I feel similarly about Izzy. She’s the only person I have been mutually in love with EVER. I have been in love with people and people have been in love with me, but never both. Only with Izzy I had both and sometimes I feel like I wasted “the one chance”. But then I realize I was not happy and I wanted more. I have not had any luck so far but I am hopeful it’ll happen for me. Hopefully with more than one person #polydreams

I am so incredibly proud of you for your first tattoo! And your choir solo! And your writing dreams! You really are in love with yourself, simmer in that feeling and enjoy your love affair with Ruth. She’s amazing. I am in love with her too. Go get Ruth a powerful Rabbit Dildo and have amazing sex with it. Find new places to take yourself to and spend time in with the cat. One you start dating again this whole love affair will dwindle so ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS. Honeymoons are not eternal.

Also points for you for being friends with old flames like Hannah and Elise. Please don’t fuck them though. No sex for what? Three months? You better stay firm on that. Think of it as revirginizing for “the next one”.

Pulled this today.

This letter is so scattered OMG. But I want to end it by sharing something with you. My new process is to learn to identify the different types of resistance. In my spiritual path as a new-age Christian (best label I can come up with), I have gotten a new deck of cards and looking into a third one (this one but not sure if I am ready to go the tarot route). I have been very attentive to life’s synchronicity and I get a lot of guidance from this one witch named Joanna Devoe whose content I love, I listen to her podcast religiously. She made a video about resistance and I am working on that very strongly.

In case, you don’t feel like watching it I’ll summarize it for you. Good Resistance: when your instincts are pushing against the stressor, it’s the universe trying to protect you from the inside out. Bad resistance: when the universe is trying create changes for you that you are not cooperating with, protecting you from the outside in. The challenge is in telling the difference. This has helped a lot with my relationships, Abby and I were growing apart and resisting it, fighting against the universe. I am growing closer to other friends, I needed to stop resisting and just go with the flow of energy that is happening now.

There has also been a lot of resistance in regards to Cory, to doing a masters program, to being single, etc. I am working in placing the resistance and determining if it’s coming from the universe or from me.

I was thinking about this today and there was a sign that sad RESIST in the highway.  Probably related to the political Resistance. But still, the synchronicities are endless.Then I went for tacos this happened:

SLAY sticker on the OPEN sign of my taco place 🙂

I love you very much.

Enjoy the cat life.
Nora

PS. Some pictures from a quick trip to Las Vegas with my roommate who was working there

 

Regression.

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Dear Ruth,

I do not know how to start this letter so prepare for word vomit. It’ll be an update on all fronts and a little bit scattered.

Firstly, I am with you on the celibacy and non dating. I will personally quote your letter whenever you start with the “I didn’t see this coming but…” and hold you accountable. . If you are really going to stay alone you need to commit to yourself and your process. And heads up, it’s going to suck at times. Being alone is completely new and I am rooting for you but I know that change is not easy. It’s exciting but it’s not easy.

I do not think it is arrogant of you to set those time limits. You are a hot girl who has her shit together. Of course there will be bitches lining up to wife you up. If you were here, I would be on that line too. It’s awesome you are closing shop for renovation setting up boundaries for yourself. But it can get really hard if you meet someone who meets your expectations. I think that is kinda what happened with Lily. You were doing your thing and she came around and you saw a great opportunity for love.

Those moments is when you need to resist and stay strong. Commit to your process and stay firm in your decisions.

I am glad you and Lily seem to be on a good place moving on separate from each other and focusing on personal growth. Of course you miss her. But you have Magpie to cuddle with and she is the only pussy that will never break your heart.

On my end, sighs.

I went to Boston alone and it was my first alone trip ever. I did not know anybody and I was not going to visit anyone. (I did hang out with a friend from NY who just happened to be there. It was unplanned, just destiny). I stayed at a hostel and explored the city alone, my friend picked me up from my interview and we did more exploring. It was a great experience. I loved the place and I cannot wait to live there.

 

The friends I met by destiny

 

I went for an interview for a Master’s Program. Unfortunately, medical school is not happening and I feel like my dreams are dying. I have to do something else with my life and I had a really hard time deciding. I did not want to give up my dream of being a doctor but I am tired of banging on a door that is not opening. Admissions counselors have advised I do a masters of science since the problem is my grades, and that I reapply. But I don’t want to spend more time and money investing in a dream that is giving me nothing but stress and disappointment in myself.

Unfortunately, I am also not ready to give it up.

Slaying my interview

So the compromise I found with myself was to do the masters of science but also do a masters that would leave me more employable, since a MS would not get me any good job I can think of. As of right now, I am going to Boston University to do a masters of science and a masters of mental health, since the mental health one WILL get me a job. Depending on how the science track goes I may or may not re-apply to medical school later.

I am super happy about Boston. But it’s bittersweet. I feel like it’s a constant in my life that I cannot get what I want and must settle for something else. This program is great and the university is amazing, but it’s a plan B. It was not my original idea, I wanted to go to Medical School. I am still processing the failure of the medical school application and I am getting ready for Boston. Looking at summer jobs so I can move early and scholarships because tuition is expensive.

On a personal level things are not pretty. Key and Karina are okay but I think I am ready to be single. Key is being shady and making me not trust him. I am doing a lot of the emotional labor there and I am not sure I want to continue that. Karina is going through a break up so we have been taking some time apart to give her space to end things with her other partner. She may just dump me to go through her process. I am okay with that. I just feel really done right now and especially since I am trying to move soon, I don’t want to lead anyone on. I am in a vulnerable space today so I am not making any moves. I am just updating you on where things are.

Crisis counseling has started and it’s rough but I am enjoying it. Yoga is going well too, the place is super weird and into a lot of healing exercises. It’s less physically intense that I am used to. It;s Korean based yoga, not Indian based so it’s super different.

Cory. Sighs. I have been so well on that end. Very proactive with my healing and keeping my emotions in check. We barely communicate, she sends me memes I respond to them. If there’s ever a conversation it’s initiated by me asking how she’s doing because unfortunately I still care. I have been crying all morning because this week I regressed a lot. It has been a slow downfall since I went to Boston.

I have seen her in every trip I have taken in the last three years. My brain is conditioned to seek for her as soon as I get off the plane. She was very present in my mind while I explored Boston. My moving back east was the condition she had given me to be with me. I have concrete plans to move back east now and my heart is hoping this is the time I have been waiting for. To finally be with her like I have been wanting for the last three years. However, that is not possible and in my five senses I promise you it is not what I want.

I want to be with someone who is ready, who communicates well, who shows affection, who understands my depression. I wanna wake up to I miss you texts and love poems on emails. I want to be with someone who is independent, or has at least faced enough hardships to relate to my struggles with money, not having a family, being an immigrant, etc. I want to be with someone who meets me half way instead of placing conditions that only apply to me (like she made her plans with herself in mind but expects me to make mine thinking of her). I want to be with someone who is not dependent on their mother and/or easily manipulable. I want to be with someone who thinks I am the shit and does crazy things to be with me. Cory is none of the above, she does not think I am worth standing up to her family. Being with me is too hard for someone who has had a relatively easy life surrounded by support and privilege. She may be who I want but she’s not what I want.

I have been chill and celebrating my emotional freedom for the last few months. I can say I have been good since like Christmas. But this week, between making Boston plans, getting my period and having several dreams with her I am in the mud. I have been crying all morning because I am tired Ruth. I am tired of loving her and I am tired of hurting. I am tired of being so obsessed with somebody who does not feel the way I do. She may have been in love with me at some point but that’s not enough for her to want to fight for us.

In december when the whole thing exploded, she said so many painful things and my masochistic ass saved that conversation to remind myself of who she is and how she really feels. Here are a few things from that script: we have no real basis for a relationship, I don’t deserve to be in the picture, she’s doing what she needs to do to get through the next four years (valid:staying away from me so she can have her family’s support to get through school), she wanted me to just listen (when she told me I could not stay with her and she could not see me) but I made it about me (basically she expected me to put my feelings on hold to deal with hers and I refused), I blame my emotional downfalls on other people, and my personal favorite, and I quote: “Honestly if I had a real reason to fight for you besides just loving you I could, But I’m not going to fight for something that just isn’t feasible right now. It’s not me being 22 it’s us having no actual basis for a relationship. Any argument against us being together I can’t argue against. I can’t fight on feeling. I’m too logical and I cave”

Read between the lines: I am not worth it. She says she’s logical I think she’s weak. Someone strong would have fought for me.  I left my last partner because I had feelings for her. I was basically homeless when Izzy kicked me out of the house for lying to her. I have been spending money I don’t have and going out of my way to see her at any given opportunity. But she does not think I am worth fighting for.

I don’t mind this as much as I used to. I think I have accepted that she’s not for me. But I expected acceptance to stop the pain and motherfucker is not gone.

I was good for a couple of months and this week was the absolute hell.I had to constantly stop my brain from making fantasy scenarios in which she grows a pair of balls and comes to find me. I had to re-read the conversation to remind myself she DOES NOT WANT ME. I had to cry in the couch and just accept healing is not over and I have so much work to do. I even made myself vulnerable and borderline pathetic and told her to not contact me because my healing has stunted. She appreciated the honesty since I could have just blocked her ass.

But I am so tired Ruth. I want it over. I want to happily plan for Boston without the cloud of her rejection obscuring the sun of my new beginning.

To make matters worse, I lost Abby. The drama with Cory and and a couple of incidents we had made me take some distance I am not planning on recovering it. She was there for me through a lot of things but she simply is not there for me anymore. I don’t want to make a big deal out of it. I have done this before, demoting someone from best friend to just friend. And it works better than trying to force a level of friendship  that is simply not there. Abby has been taking a very mothering role I don’t appreciate. She addresses me like she knows better and I should listen, she passes judgement. It bothers me a lot because she has not been dating in years but considers herself the authority in the matter. Gave me a whole schpeal about how I am older than Cory and needed to be the better person (after she did all the horrible things she did), sided with Cory, sided with Sandra. I just don’t feel supported by her for many reasons and I have decided to take a step back. She feels the distance but does not want to have a conversation about it. So I think it’s just better if her and Cory stay friends and I simply move away slowly.

So much loss is occurring but I like change. I don’t, however, like pain. I am going back to crying in the couch now and hoping this roadblock in my healing is just that. I pray to God and the Universe that I can go back to smooth sailing and continue towards my new port. I pray I stop hurting.

Please keep me in your prayers and send all the good vibes this way.

I am so grateful to have you and this space to vomit all my woes into. And then flush them.

I love you. Stay happy, stay single.

Nora.

PS: Some seeds do sprout. Some Fairy Garden blessings that make me smile.

 

Welcome be the Winter

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Dear Ruth:

It took you a month to reply to me and I am responding in  a week  because I was waiting anxiously for your letter. Thank you for writing to me and please don’t torture me like this.

First of all, I totally fell for the joke. I had started texting my guerrilla friends in the Colombian Jungle and they were getting a militia together to rescue you from moving in with anyone. I had to cancel the entire operation but I am so relieved it was not true. It makes me so happy you and Lily are growing together. You are going to meet the parents so things are getting pretty serious.

How do you feel about meeting the parents and how official that makes it?

CAT!!!!!!!!!

I want Magpie in my arms right now! She’s so beautiful and huggable. It is amazing you found a new place and a new companion in so little time. It feels like a final step from moving on from Elise and that relationship. I love that you are doing all the things for you WHILE being in a relationship. Those two things should not be mutually exclusive but they often are.

I envy what you are experiencing right now with setting roots unto a place. Kind of settling in Portland and creating a community independent of your partner or family. I want to do that too. I want to move to Philadelphia and go to medical school, make the place my home and extend my roots. Unfortunately, I am still sitting in the silence and have only heard more Nos. I am suffering hard by what seems to be the death of my dreams. However, I am making Plan Bs that would land me in Philadelphia. I really want to be closer to my people.

.

Last week was the Winter Solstice. It is the darkest day of the year. The longest night. I had a small ritual as I pondered on the similarities between what nature is experiencing vs what is happening with my life. I have been in such dark places this year. So many break ups, so much abandonment, loneliness, tears, depression. But the night has to come to an end and from now end the days will start lengthening giving way into the summer. That is me. I already feel the waves of  improvement in a lot of areas, things are going to get better and who knows, maybe I even get into medical school.

When it comes to our country’s situation, we are going to have to agree to disagree. I think it’s time to riot, set shit on fire, BURN THE PATRIARCHY, make noise. We will be heard. We have to organize and move. History has proved that, unfortunately, revolutions require violence. The Black community has had to FIGHT for every single thing they ever got. So in my opinion, this is not the time to stay silent and send  thoughts and prayers. It is the time for action, and if that action requires rioting, let’s motherfucking riot.

Coming from Indiana, your experience is completely different than mine. You care about the Midwest and you experienced first hand how differently they live. It is impossible for me to empathize with entire states of people who decided a rapist racist should be the leader. Who have entrusted our country to this monster and now entire communities have to live in fear. If someone does not have fear under this presidency, they have privilege. It’s as simple as that.

To answer your gazillion questions, I am feeling better. New meds kicking in well and they help me stay motivated. I have been knitting like crazy and actually went to a fair to sell my hats. Even my etsy store is populated with whatever I did not sell. I have been productive and doing some great self care. Dog sitting is going well, the holidays help a lot and I have had several little fuckers come stay with me. I am still seeing Key and I have met two lovely ladies from okc, karina and Sandra (not their real names).

Karina is a native Angelina who works with plants. Sandra is from San Francisco, she’s Colombian and Venezuelan and works with youth. I am taking it slow with both of them but I am happy where we are, getting to know each other, enjoying each other’s company. And the company of this bird who crashed one of my dates.

 

 

Cory and I went from Limbo to Hell. And the whole thing burned in flames. I was planning a trip to see her on her birthday, she was supposed to help me pay for it (just because I wanted to feel like she was involved). A week prior to her birthday, according to Cory (several people have pointed out she could be lying) her mother showed up in her school and told her that if she saw me she would be cut off from her family. Cory had to make a decision and she chose her family. I don’t think she understands parents make those threats to manipulate their kids until they no longer can. But Cory was not open to negotiation or risking making her mother upset. I really think it’s about money and not wanting to be cut off financially. But that’s just my opinion. She said she could not justify me even to herself and refused to talk on the phone. Her mother hates me because she thinks I turned her gay and I am brown. YES. SHE HATES ME FOR THE COLOR OF MY SKIN. How ridiculous is that.

I wish I could say I am over the whole thing but I love this person so much more than I should. It hurts that she wouldn’t fight for me, it hurts that her being financially comfortable is more important than having me in her life, it hurts that she would not defend me against a racist, especially since she’s related to the racist, it hurts that she can just let it go. Just like that. Bye Nora.

It hurts everyday. I really thought she was it.

I am allowing myself to heal. I know I have to let go of her, and I am trying, but is hard. I secretly hope for a miracle. I have this crazy fantasy in which I get home from work and she’s in my front porch with flowers telling me she worked it out with her family and is ready to make a commitment. Imagine that. Yeah, that’s not happening.

But that is where my heart has been, reaching for the impossible, resisting acceptance, insisting that our love was real and that it will survive. I should know better than to feel this way, but I don’t. I was operating under the assumption that she was in my life long term. I want to at least be her friend, especially since we have my best friend Abby in common and she hates being in the middle of it all. I do not want to lose Abby over this. I already lost one significant person.

That is the biggest source of anxiety for me right now. And my school plans, that’s a big stressor too.

I spent Christmas surrounded by dogs, watching Christmas movies and eating Pizza. We ordered deep dish all the way from Chicago and I cannot wait. Still debating what New Year’s is going to look like.

I hope you find time to write while traveling and that I don’t have to wait another month.

Love,

Nora

PS: Got this on the mail. Made my night, I love presents in the mail.

Tu comenzando y yo terminando…

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Dear Ruth,

I know this letter is very close to the last one and I know the last one was all gloom doom. I apologize for all the gloom and doom but that is my life: all madness and melancholia.

I am writing this because I wanted to update you on a situation I am having. I am going to New York tomorrow and I don’t want my post-NY letter to be about Cory at all.

The gist of it all is: I am not seeing her. I am going to NYC on the weekend that she’s free and I planned around her schedule in order to spend as much time as possible together.

And then I lost my shit.

I have been fragile emotionally lately, which pulls me towards withdrawing and staying in my safe zone. Cory is extremely busy with school and has no time whatsoever to communicate regularly with me (or anyone for that matter). I want her to be emotionally available at the very least on a friendship level, so I feel somehow connected to her even though the distance is imminent. She’s not okay with that. She thinks her making me a priority means that we would be on a long distance relationship (which she does not want). is that what it is? Because if that is the case, I am on like 3 LDRs right now with friends (you included) I don’t see regularly but who are available to me and I to them to the best of our abilities and circumstances.

I have been wanting to fall out of love with her for as long as I have been in love with her. Especially because of the distance and the impossible nature of our bond. I have never been able to. I have never been in a place in which I felt strong and capable enough to say aloud to myself that I can move on from her. Until the other day, when something just snapped. Maybe my heart is so beyond tired of loving emotionally unavailable people; maybe I am done being open and caring and I am ready to be a bitch; .

maybe the pain of loving her and not having her became so intense that it actually broke me.

I don’t recognize myself right now. I have prayed so hard for these feelings to go away but I have never had the actual willpower to push her away or move away from her. I had kind of accepted that she was going to be part of my heart and my life permanently and regardless. Until now. I told her I did not want to see her during trip and I think we have cut contact.

I feel both devastated and proud of myself. I feel empowered by my decision, no longer drifting in an ocean of emotions. I finally let this ship wreck and all the feelings will eventually drown on their own.

There will be pain, tears, regret, but that is all 2016 has been so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I am heading to New York City tomorrow. Hoping to make what little time I have  with my friends and family count.

I’ll send you a postcard.

Thank you for being a friend and for being emotionally available.

Love,
Nora

Life surprising me, once again

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Dear Nora,

Just when I think I know what’s up, the universe likes to have a good chuckle at me and show me how much I don’t know about life. That’s what’s happened over this past week Nora, and I’ve just had to sit back and laugh and marvel at life’s funny way to twisting the plot. I should have seen this coming, but it caught me by surprise.

You are going to kill me.

I befriended this girl a little while back. Let’s call her Lily. Lily was a friend of a friend and I saw her around occasionally but knew her only in passing. Then, last winter she joined the choir that I’m in, so I started seeing her more regularly. By the time Elise and I broke up in May, we had the beginnings of what seemed to be a promising friendship, and I knew her enough to know she was someone I really wanted in my life.

I decided to make her a friend goal. I felt a strong pull towards her, and I wasn’t quite sure what it was–but I wanted to invest time in getting to know her. Things I did know: I really liked spending time with her, I felt safe and unjudged and ok as-I-am with her, I laughed more with her than almost anyone, I shared things with her that I don’t normally share with people.

Whenever we hung out, it just felt… comfortable and effortless to be around her.

Our friendship began to grow, naturally. She seemed to be just as interested in spending time together as I was. I progressed with my freedom summer of dating and being single, and she was a support and encouragement as I navigated my way. No matter what else was going on, I looked forward to seeing her again. Over the months spent getting to know each other, I had these little thoughts in the back of my mind that I tried to ignore… “I wonder… is there more here?”, “Why do I feel such a strong connection with her?”, “Am I attracted to her as more than a friend?”. I confided in a close friend that I felt like I was developing stronger feelings for Lily, but I wasn’t ready for them yet. I cared so much about her I didn’t want to do anything to squander an opportunity if there was, indeed, a chance that we’d be something. But it only seemed to grow, and it got to the point where I just told myself, “wait. you are going to date her. just not yet.”

And then, “yet” arrived.

We were eating tacos and I was jabbering on about something (have I mentioned I talk more around her than most people? also, that I love trying to make her laugh?) Anyway. And then she said, as though it were just an ordinary thing to say, that she was sorry if this complicated my current dating situation, but she needed to tell me… that she had feelings for me. She said it had been growing for months, and it wasn’t healthy for her to keep holding it in and have it turn into anything negative, left unaddressed. She said she expected nothing in return, and knew where I was at with dating and wanted nothing more than for me to continue with my process. She wanted very much to remain friends, and figured this would just be something she had to “work out”.

It was quite a surreal moment. I sat there a bit stunned, and just suddenly felt that I had already seen this part. Like I had always known somehow that this was going to happen and she and I were just little pieces on the board game of the universe. My heart felt full in that moment. I told her I also had more than just friend feelings, and that I felt the connection too, and had the sense this was something “bigger than me”.

Yes, you might say I’m lost in the sauce. But that implies messiness. This feels like one of the least messy things I’ve done. It feels so right, and I have a sense of peace. She’s something really special. I’ll tell you more about her in upcoming letters. Having the opportunity to get to know her as a friend was so ideal, I couldn’t have planned it this way if I had tried.

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Thoughtful flowers from Lily <3

I am moving forward, intentionally. Knowing how important it is for me (and her!) to keep focusing on my own needs and not giving up who I am for someone else. Not letting my softness become the “worst of me”. And working to focus on things that I know to be true. Seeing her as a real human, not some idealized version I build up in my mind. Being honest with her and myself about where I’m at.

“I choose to love this time, for once, with all my intelligence.”

-Adrienne Rich in Dream of a Common Language

She offered to wait if I needed more time before dating. She asked how she can help make sure I’m taking care of myself. She said the last thing she wants is for me to lose myself in any way. I believe she sees the light in me, Nora, and she wants me to keep shining.

If I told you it’s different this time than it’s ever been, would you believe me? My gut says it is. At least, I think that’s my gut talking. Don’t worry, I am still adequately terrified. But the wave that’s moving me forward is stronger than my fear of starting this. I think if it were anyone but her, I wouldn’t feel ready to start a new relationship. I’m not sure what that means, but I do know I feel safe and known in a way I haven’t in a long time.

I think this is going to be good thing, Nora. Try not to judge me too harshly… I made it to just about 1.5 months out from my 30th birthday!

Naturally I had to end things with Sam once I realized these feelings with Lily were mutual and that it was going somewhere. I knew that continuing with her in any way would most likely end in her getting hurt, since I didn’t see that going anywhere long term. I tried to do it in the kindest way possible.

This whole thing has been a bit surreal, and I’ve had trouble putting it down on the page for you.

I’m going to have to end this letter here, I’ve been traveling quite a bit this week and my train is getting ready to leave. This whole letter is about me, thank you for being a good listener and friend. Let me know how you are doing! I hope you have updates from your canyon on Mars, and that you haven’t been too isolated lately. I think of you often and send out good thoughts to the universe for you.

Feeling all the feels, Ruth

 

Detox and Restoration

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Dear Nora,

How has detox July been going for you? How are you handling the aloneness?

I definitely relate to the missing people, missing events, missing … it all. That was the biggest drawback when I chose to move out to Portland. I knew only one person, a cousin, when I moved out the Portland. Everyone else that had filled my life was going to be 2,000 miles away and go on with their lives without me. Our situations are different in this regard though, because for me—I had always seen my dream future and life being out here, and I was doing it solely for me. I wanted it enough to believe it was worth transitioning every other relationship into a long distance one, in order to start and build the life I wanted in the place I felt I belonged. That sounds so selfish. But no one who loved me wanted anything less than that for me. So now, I only see my loves on short trips to the Midwest, and in the meantime, follow from a distance and send bits of love their way, welcome any visitors, and hint to everyone that they should move here.

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Some of the loves I got to see in the Midwest

Feelings don’t always have to “make sense”. I even write that begrudgingly, because I find it unsatisfying. But as my therapist reasoned with me—feelings are by nature not thoughts or logic. They can be associated with those things, but sometimes they just…exist. And demand to be felt. That’s how my anger with Elise is right now. Not logical. I have no “right” to be angry with her. We broke up mutually. She moved on. I don’t wish we were still dating. So why da fuq am I mad? The only reason I’ve been able to conjure up is: I am sad. I still am in love with her. I didn’t “want” to break up… but I knew we needed to. And also, I feel guilty for the pain I caused her, because I don’t think she “wanted” to break up either, even though we agreed it was for the best. All of these feelings are… less than happy… and I think seeing that she gets to just “be happy” with someone else and essentially forget about all of this feels like a punch in the gut. Thus, the anger. I don’t have her ability to move on so quickly, I am going to have to work through this a bit longer, and it just doesn’t feel fair she gets to jettison away, leaving me in a pool of shit feelings. That quote that you sent was a good reminder of that as well. Not everything is fair… live with it.

Taking space apart has been the best remedy so far though. We did run into each other about a week ago, and I definitely wasn’t prepared for it. My heart fell into my stomach when I saw her walk into the bar. She bee-lined to me and I could tell was happy to see me. We talked for a good bit, and I was either smiling just because, I love her, or crying because… feelings, and then eventually I had to just shut off the feelings altogether to get through the situation. She apologized for hurting me, and I apologized for hurting her. And we cried and hugged a bit (it’s not truly a lesbian bar until someone is hugging and crying). But I also told her I’m not ready at all yet. She kept asking when we could be friends. “Not yet, but I hope eventually”, was all I could offer. She said she’d wait as long as it took. It was mostly “good”, thank GOD her new gf wasn’t there I would have been mortified, but afterwards I still felt shitty and shaken up. She did make it a point to tell me how “over me” she was, and said “I wish you could just be happy for me, I would be happy for you”… but at least she acknowledged we are just… very different in the way we heal. She said I’m being mean and cold, and I explained I am just doing what I have to do to give myself space to heal. I’m not going to apologize for that, not talking and being stand-offish to her to take care of myself is a world apart from being cruel.

The theme of my July has been “restoration”. I feel like I’m restoring myself to things I had lost touch with that make me who I am.

I got to see important friends and family this month, and I’m working on building stronger friendships here in Portland. And then also, I got back in touch with my ex, I’ll call her Kay. The 6.5 year ex. We had spoken very little since I moved out here 1.5 years ago. I was dating Elise, she was dating someone too. We both moved on with our lives separately from one another. We proved to ourselves we are just fine apart, she was doing her hard work, I was doing mine. Recently mutual friends of ours started dating, and it’s opened up the channels of communication. She made a stop in Portland while doing a cross-country road trip, and we were able to spend some time together talking about how our lives have been since parting, ways we’ve grown and what we’ve learned. Nora, it was so good. It felt like I had my friend back, which was always the best part of our relationship anyway. All of my negative feelings towards her have resolved—I have no anger, resentment, jealousy, hurt… any of that. When I look at her now, I just see this person I love, who knows and loves me well. It feels like a pure kind of love, and everything I was hoping we would be able to regain. The romantic feelings are gone for me, I had to let go of those to heal, but I feel finally ready to have her back in my life, and she wants that more than anything. I could and would be fine without her, but it makes my heart happy to call her my friend, and I’m so proud of the ways she’s grown. I was explaining to my sister… if both of us are in a place where we’re ready to be friends, and it’s a positive thing, why wouldn’t we be? It’d be a sad waste to throw away a person with whom I have mutual love and respect and who knows me so well, and has seen me through the last 9 years of my life, just for some principle or grudge. She made mistakes and hurt me, but I’ve forgiven her… and she won’t hold my heart in that same way anymore.

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Kay & I

Anyway, that’s all of my reasoning. But ultimately, it just made me happy to see her and catch up. I’m glad she’s saved room in her life for me, and I can definitely make room in mine for her as well. All of this has just given me hope that I can and will get to this point with Elise too.

You said: “I am setting boundaries for myself on how I relate to people and what I am willing to put up with vs what is not negotiable.” That is my task at the moment as well.

First, with friends and others. And then going forward, in the context of a relationship. I’m getting better at saying no to things and not worrying about trying to please everyone. But it’s going to be a really good area for growth. I’ve started dabbling in a dating app, just dipping my toe into the pool. Seeking out only friends or friends-with-benefits situations, I think this is going to help exercise my boundary setting, as well as figuring out more of what I like or don’t like, and need. I’ve never really casually dated or “whored around” and I’ve always said it’s because I’m afraid I’ll get the feels. But then I also realized, I’ve only ever slept with people I already had feelings for, so of course I associate it with that. I think it could be good for me to get a little outside of my comfort zone, and to know my worth independently. It feels good to not have anyone have power over me, to own my own power. Anyway, I don’t know know where I’ll go with it, but I’ll keep you updated. I think it also will help challenge my negative assumptions and feelings about my body and help me feel empowered. We should talk more about that some time, I think I could easily write a whole letter on it. Luckily Portland is a very sex positive, body positive type of community.

I am mine. before I am anyone else’s*.
And I am preparing the space to allow myself the room to grow. *from a poem by Nayyirah Waheed

How about you, what does August hold for you my dear? Single and ready to mingle? I am so happy to have you as a friend.

Love, Ruth

P.S. I get to meet you in like a month! I’m so excited!
P.P.S. I am so sorry about the lack of Trigger Warning—totally fail on that, I was kicking myself. I will be more mindful of that in the future.

Feeble attempts and forgiveness

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Dear Nora,

Well, my dear, you were right to chuckle at my feeble attempt and optimism at being friends with Elise. We were kind of still chatting, and seeing each other occasionally or in group settings. Or, you know, watching TV together and then hooking up that one time… So in other words, working hard at the transition to friendship. She danced around the boundaries I had set (boundary testing is her favorite pastime), and said things to me like “you are going to be one of my best friends, you’re different than all my other exes, you’re so special Ruth, I have to keep you in my life”.

And I really could tell she was trying for this time to be different. For example, she waited almost a whole month before she made it official with a new girl. Her norm is usually a week tops. She said I should consider myself fortunate she held off so long. Lucky me! You have to give her credit for efficiency.

She had okCupid dates lined up like job interviews for a position that needed to be filled immediately.

You may be able to tell from my bitter tone that I’m not handling it the best. But I am proud that I refrained for saying 99% of the things I wanted to say, and let her know I could not speak to her or see her for a while, and she agreed. And we left it at that. She didn’t do anything “wrong”, but it still felt like a slap in the face, especially when a week before she had told me she’s still in love with me and kept asking if there was any possibility we’d end up back together someday.

I’m pissed off and listening to angry songs and thinking mean thoughts and crying sporadically. I keep reminding myself of two things. 1) we all deal with pain differently, and for her maybe that’s just moving on really quickly, and 2) her moving on is about her doing what she needs to do, not about my value or worth and even what I meant or didn’t mean to her.

All that to say, go easy on Jayne, if you can. I have a feeling she just genuinely wanted to find a way to keep you in her life, and made her best attempt at that in spite of other feelings she was suppressing. We are all suckers for the sweet Colombian poison. Trust me, it’s a hard addiction to break. Maybe she’s not lost forever… she just needs some detox.

I think forgiveness is some of the best, and hardest work we have to do in our lives (especially towards ourselves). It is so goddamn beautiful and defies all of our basest instincts. I promise I’ll try not to quote Cheryl Strayed in every single letter… but I did laugh and nod at this one: “Forgiveness doesn’t just sit there like a pretty boy in a bar. Forgiveness is the old fat guy you have to haul up the hill.”

That’s a really interesting discussion of actions vs. intentions. That’s something I think a lot about. Elise usually didn’t give a shit about intentions, only actions. I, as a benefit-of-doubt type would say I usually take intentions into weighty consideration. But I think ultimately, I have to agree that our truest truths come out in the form of actions. The core of who we are will persist in the living of our lives. Yes, there will be aberrations, and those who know us well should take our intentions into account during those times. But generally speaking, who you are is what you do, not what you say.

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Love.

In the case of relationships, I think kind of the deal going into it is that people usually have hopes and good intentions, and sometimes they decide it’s not for them, and sometimes you decide it’s not for you, and neither is wrong or bad. I have been thinking about that a lot. I feel pretty at peace with our decision to break up, and confident now that Elise wasn’t meant for me, or I for her… so then why the hell didn’t I know that at the start of it? Because who I am now is a slightly different person with different knowledge and experiences and further understanding of myself than I was 16 months ago. I read a good quote from Dan Savage the other day about this: “dating is about figuring out who we are and what we want — and when it comes to dating a specific person, it’s also about figuring out whether this person is who and what we want. Early on, when we’re smitten, we sometimes fantasize about a future — we talk about the longterm and/or listen as the other person talks about the longterm — that isn’t destined to be. Being open to the possibility of a longterm relationship with someone, imagining a future with that person, etc., doesn’t obligate us to stay in the relationship eternally, and it doesn’t mean we lied or misled someone if the relationship should end. Fantasizing about a life together is not the same thing as committing to a life together.”

Totally changing subjects–I met Cory and AJ! They arrived this week and stayed at my place and I had so much fun grabbing dinner and drinks with them. I couldn’t stop smiling at the ridiculousness of this all. I confirmed with them that you are, in fact, a real person. So that was good. It’s a little tricky explaining to someone how I both feel like I know you pretty well, but also know very little about your actual day to day life. But I rode around in “Chad” your roadtrip car, and listened to the Rap Caviar playlist with them and made fun of Cory’s gigantically oversized suitcase. It was fun getting to hear them chat about the trip and you and Toby. Anyway, so that happened.

I fly out tonight, headed to the midwest to see lots of my family for my grandma’s 90th birthday party. All of my siblings will be there, my parents, cousins, aunts, uncles. It is so needed. My family for me is the place where I go to rest and reset. My original self. A place of unconditional love. I’ll just be there a very short time, it will be a small but potent dose of exactly what I need right now. I also get to see some of my good friends too while I’m there. And my cat Luscious!!!

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Purrington’s Cat Cafe in Portland

By the way, I also judge myself real hard also for giving up my cats for Elise. I can’t say, looking back, that I could have or would have done it differently. But, moving forward, the cat thing will from now on represent for me the importance of me keeping parts of myself that make me “me” and make me happy. Cats make me pretty fucking happy. I will definitely be getting one for my 30th birthday.

Nothing says “winning at life” like a single lesbian getting a cat for her 30th birthday, am I right?

I hope you find exactly what you need right now. Toby cuddles. Altars full of candles and incense. Puzzles and more puzzles. What are you favorite things about being alone? Also, can you take this personality test for me? I want to see what you get! I got ISFJ (“The Defender”) and it was spot-on. We can talk about our results more if you take it.

Love, Ruth

P.S. I’m looking at possibly coming to LA around labor day weekend? Just sayin’…
P.P.S. Your wish list of kids books brought back a lot of good childhood reading memories. I sent some your way, I hope others do too! What a great idea!

Choosing one another

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Dear Nora,

I have to confess.. I’ve been avoiding you a little bit. Not really deliberately, but if I’m being totally honest it’s because as I’ve been thinking about the question “why marriage” I am having trouble coming up with a good answer for you.

So instead of waiting to reply until I can offer a nicely packaged response, instead I will offer you just my scattered thoughts on the subject. First, a few quotes:

“that’s the most beautiful thing in the world: when two people become fluent in choosing one another.” -HB

“Why do we choose partners so different from ourselves? It’s not fate, chance or clichés like ‘the heart wants what it wants’. We choose our partners because they represent the unfinished business from our childhood. And we choose them because they manifest the qualities we wish we had. In doing so, in choosing such a challenging partner and working to give them what they need, we chart a course for our own growth.” – Modern Family

That I can tell you—if I know anything about Elise and I, it’s that she helps me chart my course for growth. But somehow, simultaneously accepting me, 100% as I am in this moment. I just think marriage offers you “security” (I know divorce…  people break promises and are human and fail… all that crap…)—but it is someone saying to the world, I choose this person to be my closest of kin. I choose to work through the hard parts of life with them. I choose to share the best parts with them. This person is my anchor. This person is my home.

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Spring <3

Elise signed her first ever lease with me. She had previously just rented rooms, or lived with someone who owned a house, or somehow just got by with out ever having to make that legal commitment. So it was a big step for her to enter into a binding contract with me. NOT that she couldn’t get out of it, there is always a way out if you really want out. But by her taking that step with me, it demonstrated that she was “in this” with me. That’s what marriage is, x1000. Not a one year lease. But looking around at this crazy world and crazy life, and saying “I’m in this with you”. You could do it and mean it just the same without the paperwork, and there is always a way out, contract or not. But the act of publicly and legally binding to that person, it’s a demonstration of that commitment. It’s the act of doing that that adds the meaning, not the paper itself.

I know what it’s not. It’s not someone responsible for your happiness. It’s not your “everything” (no one person will ever be able to fulfill all your needs, nor are they supposed to). It’s not a fairy tale.

One more quote for you. Actually, this one is a poem:

What love isn’t

It is not a five star stay. It is not compliments and it is ever ever flattery.
It is solid. Not sweet but always nutritious
Always herb, always salt. Sometimes grit.
It is now till the end. It is never a slither, never a little
it is a full serving
it is much
too much and real never pretty or clean. It stinks – you can smell it coming
it is weight
it is weight and it is too heavy to feel good sometimes. It is discomfort – is is not what the films say. Only songs
get it right
it is irregular
it is difficult
and always, always
surprising.

– Yrsa Daley-Ward

I’ve been fighting some of my more infuriating and possessive demons this past week or so. God, how I long to be free of them. Jealousy is like a puppeteer that laughs at me fighting my strings and makes me look like fool. I’m tired of the game, and I want out. I want ownership of my thoughts and feelings again Nora. Do you think I can get that back? I am determined to.

Your panic attacks sound terrifying. How do you handle that? Those moments of losing control, and knowing you’re not crazy, but also knowing something is sweeping over you that is bigger than you—something that can’t be reasoned with?

Have you come up with a new game plan to help with stress?

Trace sounds like a lovely person, and I’m glad you have them as a support, as well as some good and growing friendships. I think owning the identity of agender seems brave and beautiful and freeing. But also probably really hard, in practice, because our world is so binary with gender—even our languages! People get so uncomfortable with things they can’t categorize in a clearly labeled file folder.

I have people that feel permanent in my life, namely my family, especially my siblings who are my favorite humans in the world and get me and accept me in a way that I could never replace. I know permanency is an illusion and no one is truly permanent in life. People come and go and change and grow together and apart. Or sometimes a friend moves away and falls off the face of the earth (I’m so sorry that happened to you, friend), or gets married and has kids and everything changes. With friendships, I’ve had people revolve in and out over long timespans, and I think that is ok. A few have really stuck in my heart, and I think will be around “for good” in one way or another, but I guess time will tell. That is one of the bigger things I am learning to accept.

My dear, your story is anything but boring! I can literally not even imagine my 16-year-old self handling everything you went through. Sixteen-year-old Ruth was just going to youth group, swim team, and obsessing over The Lord of the Rings and Princess Diaries. My greatest challenge that year was AP U.S. History. So, if that tells you anything…

I want to hear about your trip back to Colombia! Details please.

Your friend, Ruth

P.S. Seeing pics of Toby makes me miss the little fur babies who’ve been part of my life. I am currently petless, but I know Elise & I will remedy that hopefully sooner rather than later. She wants a yorkie. So… that probably means we’ll be getting a yorkie (the girl gets what the girl wants).