Monthly Archives: July 2017

Cogela Suave

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Dear Ruth, 

You can not make this shit up. Two letters ago the world was ending and now it’s all explosive love and intergalactic rainbows? SOUNDS LIKE YOU!!!! 

I am not going to spoil this for you with my cynicism because TBH, it’s not worth it. You sound excited and all happy. But what I like the most is that you sound sure. See? the last few times I do not think you were ever this sure. Like cookie baking possessed by aliens sure.  Your gut -who I intensely hate- has not come up to whisper things in your ear. 

This is you in your past break ups:

Also tell me about the sex, is it fireworks? or more like fireflies? 

In other wordly news, I took the quiz you sent and got a 77. I guess it has sucked 77% of the time? Maybe I am too hard on myself. 

I am on a small break this weekend, in between summer and fall session. It’s only a few days but it feels nice to come up for air. Tobias had a bad weekend last weekend and I was ready to pull the plug. I made the “appointment” to have him euthanized today but I could not go through with it. I always say I am the kind of person that can easily let go of people because I accept that they are temporary. 

I am definitely not that person right now. I wish Toby could speak and tell me he’s in pain, or annoyed or tired. I just want to be 100% sure that I will know when is time. I thought it was but I just could not. Fail euthanasia attempt :/ I got some more meds to try to help his breathing, which is the current issue. Let’s see what happens. 

Sometimes I also wish he’d just die on his own. Is that selfish? Like why do I have to make this choice? I don’t wanna. It hurts too much. 

But the universe, She got my back. 

I walked out of  my failed vet appointment feeling all sorts of way, with my cancer patient still in tow. And I found a little bird. A little ordinary city bird, reminded me a little of Birdie Sanders. He could not fly. Or walk. Something was broken, seems like half of his body was semi paralyzed but there was no sign of damage or any blood. 

I picked it up, examined it, Tried to find the cause of the pain. Was it a broken leg? a broken wing? both? I could not figure it out. I debated for good 10 minutes what to with it. I considered nursing it back to life but not knowing what was wrong I really would not know what to do. I wondered if there was somewhere I could take him, and then it occurred to me that maybe it was his time. I don’t know how old this bird is, it could be really old and just…ready. It crossed my mind to put him out of his misery before a cat find him on the ground and eats him. 

As expected, I could not do it. I could so easily break this creature’s neck and he won’t have to struggle anymore or suffer a painful end. Maybe even starve. I could not do it. I just could not. Maybe I don’t have it in me to kill an animal. I am all pro euthanasia, even in humans. But I could not physically do it. 

It hit me that I am being unrealistic with this process with Toby. I have been saying, I will know when is time for sure. I will be certain. I will do what needs to be done..blah blah blah. But here I was unable to make that decision for a street bird who is most likely going to die soon if his wing does not start working. A bird I had just met who, one could say, means nothing to me. 

I took pictures because i knew this story would be so fantastical to hear:

I am back at zero. Not knowing right from wrong. Just loving my furry son for as long as I can. 

 

Nothing new in my dating life. Have not made friends in school yet. One girl seems promising. I tried going out with my classmates this week after finals, but I got there and got drunk too quick and had to leave. I am such a social fail. It’s hard for nerds, you know. 

 

 

I hope the torch of love burning in your chest keeps your path lighted. 

I saw you got a letter from a reader and cannot wait to see your reply. 

Please take it easy with this girl, that’s the tile of this letter by the way: Cogela Sueva. Or if you wanna try the Spaniglish version it goes “Cogela con takeiteasy”. 

Love,

Nora

PS. The tarot does not take YES/NO questions. Think of something open ended.

 

A (Willing) Fool for Love

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Dear Nora,

Let me just start by getting this out there, because I can’t even pretend it’s not happening:

I was minding my own business on my dusty trail, and then there she was. Nora, I have no. words. I am dead. She is either going to break my heart or keep it.

I would say I am falling hard, but that’s not even the right description. I’m jumping, or being pulled, or both. Jumping out of an airplane, falling and really, really hoping my parachute opens…

But every cell in my body told me I needed to jump. And now, for better or for worse, gravity doing what it does best.

You know how I said I’ve been dating not to lose? This one I am dating 100% to win. I want to have no regrets. If she doesn’t pick me in the end, I don’t want it to be because I held anything back. OhmygodIcannotmessthisup.

To my amazement, I have no hesitations. It is a pure “hell yes”.

Also, btw, an alien has taken over my body and my brain and I have zero control over any of my faculties at the moment. Like, it is almost midnight right now and I’m baking her cookies because she likes cookies. A normal, sane person doesn’t do that. They bake at reasonable times, and not after 2-ish dates. Aliens do that (I assume?). I have no appetite, I’ve been getting little sleep. The butterflies are ridiculous. I am always counting down the days and hours until I see her again. She’s going to do me in.

The most INSANE part of it all? She seems to be feeling the same. All of it. What is happening??

If I write you next time and I’m a puddle of mush after my fall, please just refer back to this post. I know I will sound like an idiot when I say this, but I’m going to say it anyway: this one is different. Laugh all you want. The world can look at me and think I’m a fool. I definitely should not be writing about this so soon. But honestly, I don’t give a fuck. I am a fucking fool for love. There is nothing casual about this for me and I can’t even pretend that it is.

ANYWAY.

I was thinking the other day about how I should probably feel dumb about things I’ve written on this blog. Because I feel things strongly, and I write about them, and then things have changed and life happens and I learn things and afterwards I look back and sometimes judge myself for what I was feeling.

But then I decided, you know what? I’m not ashamed of who I am. I like that I see possibilities, and I go all in, and I take risks. If someone judges me for that, so be it. I’m honest with people about my feelings and I’m not careless with the feelings of others, to the best of my ability. Somehow I’m always bobbing back up to the surface, just as hopeful as though I’d never dipped below. Some lessons learned – of course. But hope suppressed? Seemingly never.

Security is mostly a superstition. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold…. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. (Helen Keller)

Me and the universe are playing a fun game right now where I write something on here, and then it proves it wrong (the universe is winning the game). For example: I wrote I was looking for –”Falling in love… not in a dramatic, flash of lighter fluid burst of flame, but in a slow and steady build of warmth–lit for a longterm burn.” HA.

first date = perfection

*ahem* Ok, now to respond to your letter. My apologies for my incoherent ramblings. Don’t blame me, blame the aliens.

You covered so much ground in your letter! I can’t even believe what a whirlwind you’ve been in. Are you exhausted? You have been undoubtably slaying 2017 like it’s your job. Also happy to hear you’ve made time for some new boos and for “lips with the magic of the oceans”. You are overdue and you deserve that. Get some!!!

borrowed from instagram

I had an audible reaction of disbelief to your statement about being 30 and having nothing (not that you’re not entitled to your own feelings about this, but I’m going to respectfully disagree). You have huge accomplishments! You moved to a new country as a teenager and fluently learned a second language. You have supported yourself for so long! You put yourself through school and now you’re working to further your education, with your sights set on medical school! You’ve moved across the country twice. You’ve made good friendships. You write this lovely blog with me. You are a wonderful dog mother. You know yourself deeply. You totally “still got it” at thirty, but more than that I think all the best things are still to come for you. You have worked hard and set yourself up for an exciting future full of love and career prospects you’re passionate about. You are loving yourself and shedding unwanted baggage. You’re in a growth period and that’s not always glamorous, but it is the part you should be most proud of. How can you say you’ve done nothing with your life? You put most thirty-year-olds to shame. In SPITE of financial stress AND lack of support system, you are persisting. 

Plus, you’re an excellent knitter.

There is this quiz called American Dream Score, created by PBS. I think you should take it. I took it and I got a 60, which basically means the majority of factors have been in my favor in life. I want you to take this quiz and then tell me you’ve accomplished nothing at 30. 

A fifteen month pre-medical school program sounds intense. I will try to be more patient with letter responses while you are focusing on studies.

I love seeing all your pictures. (If you love all the greenery of the Philly area, one of these days I’m going to get you out here to the PNW and I will take you to see all the wonders. In my 2.5 years here my jaw still drops.) But perhaps I should take a trip out to Philly sometime! Maybe next year I can get back out to the east coast.

This is the actual blue of a pool tucked away in the woods of Oregon. It turns blue because the water runs through the mountain instead of down a waterfall, and picks up minerals. But I like to believe it’s just magic.

I hope your new community forms quickly, but also that the right people come into your life for this stage.

Ok, I know this is getting long. But I need to talk to you about “the one” for a minute. We seem to be misunderstanding each other on this. I must not be explaining this well.

My two cents:

What the one is not: a single person walking on the face of the earth who is literally the only person I can end up with and be happy with.

What the one is:
The one is the one my heart will feel at rest with.
The one is someone my gut confirms feels right.
The one is the one I will invest all the work of a relationship in.
The one is the one I will feel every cell in my body at peace when I’m curled up next to her.
The one is my biggest, deepest love yet.
The one is someone my soul will recognize.
The one is the one I will still be able to hold onto 100% of myself with.
The one is the one my mind will feel content with.
The one is who I would move heaven and earth to love and support.
The one is the one who sees me as her one too.
The one is someone who’s all in with me, and I’m all in with her.
The one is someone I will fight for once I’ve found her.
The one is the one I will choose to keep by my side.
and I will keep her by my side for as long as life lets me.
whether it’s 3 months. Or 3 years. Or 3 decades.

And if life takes her from me, I may search for “the next one” as long as my heart is still wanting to find that. 

I don’t think there is only one person out there who can fill this role. But I hope I am lucky enough to have the privilege of spending my life with just one person. I would be so content to find her and grow old with her, through life’s trials and joys. I want that. 

It’s not about only dating someone if they can promise me forever. It’s about me being able to envision a forever with them. If I can’t see that, then I have to let them go their own way.

Why would I spend time with someone I don’t see a forever with when what I want is a forever?

All the examples you gave were geographic and time obstacles. Those things won’t matter to me when I choose someone. I would move for “my one”. And if she only had three months to live, I’d spend it with her and make the most of every day. 

I know this sweet and wonderful woman, I’ll call her Sally. Sally had a great love. It lasted for 15 years, and then her partner died of cancer. She spent years in grief afterwards, and alone. She gave her heart time to recover and heal, and never stopped loving that soul she lost. And then, just the other day, she met someone new, 9 years after her partner had passed. I could see this new light in her. She was like a teenager falling in love for the first time. She had found her “one” once. And now I could see her opening up, ready to find her next one.

And when I find them it certainly does not invalidate the other love stories I’ve been so lucky to have so far. Those loves are what have prepared me for it! Those have been vital exercises of my heart that have taught me about myself and about love and what I want and deserve and they were 100% real. There is nothing more “real” about the relationship I end up choosing to stay in, the only difference between it and my other love stories, is that it’s the one I keep and I’m at rest in.

What role does love play in this search? It leads the way, a torch burning in my chest. I have so much love to give. I don’t know what form this person will take. But I’m not ready to give up my hopes of finding her. And so I will continue to do my best to be open to what the universe sends my way. I will be honest with myself about what I feel in my gut. And if I can’t see a future then I will let that person go and continue on the dusty trail alone until I meet a traveler who will walk by my side.

With Hannah, I had a lot of love for her. But similar to Lily, it wasn’t the fully rounded out in-love romantic kind of love I needed to and my gut told me something was missing.

My requirements are quite simple actually: I will be in love with her, she will be in love with me. And it will feel perfectly right to both of us to spend our lives together and we will both feel like the absolute luckiest. I mean, I do have a lengthy list that I’ve sent to the universe of some particulars. Some of the things it includes: She will love herself. She will have a heart of gold and a grin of a troublemaker. She will be moved by compassion. 

Also allow me to clear up my remark about idealizing stuff with Kay. This has been a more recent “aha” moment for me. When I referenced that, I was not referencing her as a girlfriend. Let’s be honest – god bless her – but she was not her best possible self in our relationship (NOR WAS I). Kind of immature and selfish and very non-committal and not accepting of herself. Cowardly when it came to do the hard, right thing. Non-confrontational and avoidant of tackling her shit. Ashamed to be gay and wouldn’t hold my hand in public or say I was her girlfriend.

What I loved about that relationship, and what I miss, was the way I felt when I was in it. I was  deeply content (in spite of all those things–I didn’t know better yet!). I was 100% in without hesitations. I was at rest and at home and in love beyond a shadow of a doubt. Our cores matched, even though some other parts were imperfect.

That is what I want again. Like, that is the bare minimum of what I want. I know it’s going to be so much better the next time my heart is rested with someone because I’m sure as hell not settling for someone who doesn’t treat me like I deserve. I will reach potentials I could never have reached with Kay in the versions of ourselves at the time. I totally agree that that relationship was the scratch of the surface of what happiness can look like for me.

Sorry this one is a doozy. I’m not quite in my right mind these days. Send me updates!

Love, Ruth

P.S. Question for tarot cards: Is this girl going to break my heart?

 P.P.S. Magpie really likes hugs actually. I gave her one from you. When I walk in the door every day she wants to be scooped up and I toss her in the air and hug her and kiss her and she purrs contentedly, before she’ll even go have dinner. It is the cutest thing.

New chapter, new city, new decade, new prospects

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Dear Ruth, 

Oh the sweet taste of revenge!!! 

JK I promise it was not on purpose I have been oscillating like a pendulum with so much shit going on. Whenever there’s a free day I literally sleep through it. Last I wrote to you I was in California packing. SO MUCH has happened and I will try to make this letter as short as possible without neglecting anything. 

I moved to NYC on May 16, put 5 suitcases in a plane and got my dog on board. He’s good on planes. I stayed with a friend for two weeks, then moved to another friend for what was supposed to be two months. However, I was accepted into an accelerated masters program in Drexel (I have to complete 15 months of studying and if I have the grades I am immediately accepted to their med school). I am happy with it because it’s the closest to getting into medical school I could possibly get. I just have to work really hard this year. I moved to Philadelphia on June 14 and started my program June 19. You can imagine the chaos. 

Adventures in NYC: left top- a whale saying hello, right top-longest ever pool game since none of us could play, left down- Figment Arts Festival in NYC, right down- me reading tarot for my friends

  

 

While I was in NYC, for around a month, I saw Cory once. It was a friendly hangout and there was nothing romantic to it. We could both tell that there were some lingering feelings there but neither of us was interested in pursuing them. She has a monogamous girlfriend and I have no interest in her at all. Fast forward a month when I am already in Philly, Cory says she cannot talk to me anymore because it makes her girlfriend jealous or some monogamous shit . We have not spoken since and I hope I never see her face again in my entire life because I have wasted enough of myself in this person.

NEXT. 

I did not see Abby. We texted, I sent her a postcard. She occasionally still texts me and I do her, but it’ll never be the same. I wish I could somehow repay her  for everything she did for me emotionally but I doubt I’ll ever have an opportunity. It is a sad ending to a good story. 

Now, in the polyamorous adventures I must tell you…NYC blessed me with this QUEEN. (Oh may gawddddd I am so infatuated) This story starts the first Friday I was in NYC. It was a warm summer night and I was hanging out with a friend. We matched on OKCupid and started talking. I made it clear I was looking to make out with someone because it had been a long time for me and she was down. We met at a bar and sat under the NYC pollution and kissed all night. She’s smol, has curly hair and blue eyes. Her lips are the magic of the oceans…It was amazing. We kept talking and seeing each other and when I was accepted to my program We had a conversation about trying to talk long distance. She agreed and we are still talking. She came to see me for July 4th and I am supposed to go see her soon. Everything is so easy with her. We speak the same language, we are on the same wavelength on a lot of  things. She also has depression so she GETS it. 

I am also talking to a girl in Philadelphia who has caught my attention. We hung out a couple of times and things are evolving but she’s a lot less expressive than me so it’s going very slowly with her. 

omw to Philly

Now, in terms of adulting I LOVE PHILADELPHIA but it has been extremely hard. First of all, I am not working. For the first time in my life I am not working. I don’t have any savings and living off loans is stressful as fuck. I cannot function without a paycheck and I am losing my mind. I am working on maximizing my financial aid and trying to get private loans for this first year but ohmysweetjesus is this stressful. 

Besides the obvious lack of money, the second challenge has been friends. Most people in my program live in the dorms (for the summer) and they are all bonding while I am up here alone in my apartment. I do have one roommate moving in but not until August. I spend a lot of time alone and I feel really isolated in school. I have two friends in Philly, one I made from Okcupid and one from my school in Brooklyn. Through them I am meeting other people and going to hang out, etc. so I am not friendless. However, ever since I got to America I have struggled to fit in with my peers and starting this program, feeling like the odd one out all the time, has not been good for me at all. 

So between the financial stress and the lack of support system I have been on the edge of depression. I can say that I have fought it really hard and used every coping mechanism I know of in order to stay in charge of my life. It’s exhausting battling with a mental illness that stalks you like a monster looking for an opportunity to come in and ruin your life. I have been in Philadelphia for almost a month now and I can see the fog lifting. The worse is over. I hope that the trend continues so that in the next letter I can focus on happier things. 

 

 

Tobias is alive and kicking. It has been 8 weeks since he was diagnosed and he’s doing okay. he takes his meds every day and we’ve had very few incidents. I can see his energy is not what it used to be but he is okay for now. He absolutely loved the package you sent him. I still have to make the doggie cake though. He seems to like Philadelphia well enough. 

Now about you: WHAT ON EARTH?!?!?!?!?!?! 

First of all, allow me to comment on you comparing your partners to your ex: STAHP IT.

Kay was a DISASTER. Yes it was nice and long and the first love blah blah. But it was also unhealthy, dishonest, disloyal, heartbreaking. I am sure that’s not what you want. If you are using this relationship as the “standard” of what you are looking for, you need to change your standards. Kay was a scratch in the surface of what happiness can feel like. As you said two letters ago, you are not the same.

You are a BETTER you. So you are going to love harder, better, deeper. 

I am glad you dated Hannah and I am sad you two broke up. I cannot say I fully understand what happened here. Was it the same with Lily? (she’s not the one/you are not in love kinda thing). It is hard for me to relate to this “date to mate” concept. Is it like you would only love someone if they can promise you a forever? That is so unfair! What if they have 3 months to live? No love for them. What if they are moving to another country in six months? No love for them. What if they are in a life transition, like I was in Los Angeles? No love for the transient. 

I have always said that after you meet “the one”. you will meet “the next one”. I convinced myself from some stupid teenage fantasy that Cory was the one. And here I am wishing I had never met her.

“The one” is a lie my friend. “The one” does not exist. “The one” was created to keep you unhappy and looking for something. There’s no “one”. You are “the one” in charge of your happiness. 

Think about it, if you meet “the one” does that invalidate every other love story in your life? does that mean all others were not real? What if you meet “the one” and she dies? You don’t find another “one”?. Try to divorce from this notion so you can love freely and unexpectedly. 

I wonder what it is you are looking for and cannot find. I wonder why your gut is such a party pooper. I wonder what role love actually plays in this search of yours. Please tell me. 

Since you asked, I am closing this letter with my 30 year old crisis: I have nothing. That’s it. I don’t have money, accomplishments, partners, kids. I have done nothing with my life. At the same time, I feel like starting my upper education at this point has made it easier to deal with the crisis. I have nothing BUT I am working on it and by the time I am 40, I will have something. The partner part is the hardest because you cannot really plan for that. It happens or it does not. You cannot MAKE it happen, the way you do a job or an education. So I just hope I do find partners to share my life with, but I am not settling for crumbs anymore or eating anyone’s shit. I am a goddess and should be treated as such. 

#30 #istillgotit

 

And to think this time last year I was in love with Cory and mourning trace.

Today I am in love with myself and mourning nobody. So much progress. 

I love you and I miss you too. You are welcome to visit anytime. You are a vital part of my life and I am sorry you cannot find what you are looking for in love. Give magpie a big hug, or not, I don’t think cats like those. 

I will be better at writing since I am better settled now. I start therapy tomorrow and that should help manage the crazy. 

Stay Strong

Love

Nora

PS: I will read tarot for you. Think of a question and when you have it, I’ll draw.

PPS. I finally deleted the email I had saved of the last conversation with Cory when she said all those mean things. It’s gone. I no longer need it. I thought you’d be glad to know.

 

 

 

Dusty Trails

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Dear Nora,

Ok, ok. I get it. You’re giving me a taste of my own medicine, waiting weeks and weeks to reply. It is not fun at all… I am in suspense woman! But for real, I know you’re super busy with all your new life stuff in Philly. I hope you are doing well and school is captivating and your heart is full and Toby is feeling ok these days.

I am writing you again because I can’t keep my shit together long enough to wait for a response.

This week I have found myself wishing that I was a polyamorous fairy like you. I feel like life would be so much easier if I didn’t feel compelled to commit to being with one person. And that when I found a really wonderful human who didn’t happen to be “it” for me I could still date them in good conscience.

But alas, my monogamous heart will not yield. And I hold on to hope that the person is still to come, but I am so discouraged, my friend.  I am getting too old to date just to date. Actually I don’t think I’ve ever really been good at that. (“We date to mate” was the mantra at my Christian college and unfortunately that seems to have stuck with me).

My gut weighed in at about 2 months with Hannah. Before I felt ready, it’s infuriating nuisance of a voice spoke up and informed me that as delightful as I found her to be, Hannah was not my match. Anxiety started to build as I recognized this, and she sensed something was off, so there was no point in putting it off the wretched conversation. We were both extremely frustrated with my gut and I cried more than you might guess a person in a two month casual dating situation would. But I had really grown to care about her, so much. And have known her for almost a year at this point. And most importantly, I want to keep her in my life. Once again, I have hopes of a friendship remaining after the pain has subsided.  It’s so hard to let go.

You know what we’re never taught when we’re told fairytales and love stories as children? That before prince charming, the princess may date some really great guys. That is never in the plot line. She’s either alone until she meets the one, or she dates someone awful and then meets the prince who is night-and-day-contrast, no-contest, way better. But real life is not often black and white like that. It is gray. And real life is Hannah’s and Lily’s and the most kind and beautiful souls I could ask for, treating me like a queen, and me having to move forward with a blind faith that when I meet the one I’m going to rest my heart with my gut will provide a confirmation, not a protest.

And so, I continue to trust my gut. God knows fucking why. But I don’t feel I really have much of a choice. I can’t live opposed to what I feel instinctively, can I? I’ve tried that and then the truth still kicks me in the ass.

It feels like the more I trust my gut, the more in tune with it I am becoming…

Being human is weird.

Back to square one. Back to forever alone.

I’ve been playing the lyrics to this song Lily introduced to me over and over again in my head:

I know I’m no doctor but if I was guessing I’d say it was just growing pains
And painful as growing is we can’t forget it’s our ticket to taking the reins
And we’ll all be okay, we’ll be okay
Dusty trails can lead you to a golden road, I’ve been told
…
It’s all in the manual that we’ve been writing, a future instructional guide
If we skip to add to our pre-fulfilled dreams, we’d be lost without our own advice
We’ll be alright, we’ll be alright
Dusty trails can lead you to a golden road, I’ve been told
…

I finally bought a tent that’s all my own

My heart is tired. I am spending lots of time in nature this summer to restore it. I am talking to my sisters and reading books and snuggling Magpie and continuing on this dusty trail.

Tell me something encouraging. Have you met your Anita Blake? Have good things and people been appearing in your life?

Write me! Love, Ruth