Monthly Archives: May 2017

Fuck that.

Dear Nora,

I have no words. I’m so sorry I didn’t see your letter until this morning.

Fuck the fucking universe—why little Toby??

Three to twelve weeks?? I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS.

This is heart breaking!! I cannot imagine what you’re feeling. I am so angry and upset for you. And for little Toby–I’m glad dogs don’t understand things going on, and he will continue to hopefully live in blissful ignorance and enjoy his time with his most favorite human on earth.

He has had the best life with you, Nora. He is your little family. This is such a blow, losing him is a huge, deep loss and I am so very sorry this is happening. I will be thinking of you both and praying for the universe to allow him to go without pain.

I wish I could say or do something to make this better. FUCK THIS!!! Why is life so fucking unfair??

Call or text me any time if you need to talk or cry about it. Seriously girl, at any time.

Mourning with you,


P.S. I know I owe you a longer letter, but everything else in the world right now feels stupid compared to this.

P.P.S. Also, this is not at all the same, because I didn’t have Sweetums as long as you’ve had Toby and I willingly gave her away. But she died last summer, after I sent her to live with a friend she got hit by a car, and I really mourned that, privately. I sat and looked at hundreds of pictures of her and sobbed and felt guilty for giving her up. Regrets, man. Lily made me this little memorial of her, living out her last days outside in Alaska and it made me fall to pieces. All of that to say, you are losing a best friend. I am sure you will love the shit out of him while he’s still running around by your feet and give him all the cuddles and treats. I personally love pets more than most people. Any and all grieving you need to do is valid and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

So much for transitioning smoothly

Dear Ruth, 

Guess who decided to get cancer?

Can you belive this mofo? He’s bouncing on me. 

A couple of weeks ago I felt a small lump on his neck. He was not feeling ill at all but the lumps were not going away. I made a vet appointment and had him tested for the origin of the  problem. 

Toby has lymphoma and the prognosis isn’t good. I cannot afford chemotherapy and I would not really put him through just to extend his life for a couple of months. He’s on some palliative medications and he will not be in pain. It should improve his quality of life but not really extend it much. 

They give him three to twelve weeks. I wish I could tell you how devastated I am. 

I sat here yesterday experiencing all five stages of grief, simultaneously. Today, I got busy and forgot for a couple of hours. But the sadness he comes back in waves and returns me to reality. 

I am going to lose my baby. I have to put him to sleep at some point. A part of me, wants to find him dead at some point instead of having to be the one to pull the trigger. 

This is so unfair. He’s only 5 years old. 

My heart is mourning. 



PS. This is us last Sunday reading Spanish poems. He understands me.