Tag Archives: relationship

Big Love

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Holy shit Nora,

I am so sorry for what you are going through with Toby. I wish he could talk to you too. But I know he’d just say “Nora, you’ve taken such good care of me and I love you so much”. It is breaking my heart that this decision is falling on you. I hope for your sake he passes on his own. I don’t think it’s selfish for you to want that at all. Someone making that decision for someone they love so much is such a fucked up thing to have to do, but I know it is unavoidable sometimes. Is there someone who can be there with you if it comes to that? I don’t want you to do this on your own! Call a friend from New York and have them hop on a train. Get some support there, stat. I mean it.

Your story of the bird was beautiful and sad, but I’m glad you received that message from the universe. It’s ok for you to not know what to do here. It’s ok for you to not be able to pull the plug. It’s ok for you to not be ready to let go.

There is no right and wrong here. Sometimes there’s just an unfair and sucky situation. You love the shit out of that little dog, and any way you choose to handle this ending is right.

Have every ounce of compassion for yourself you can muster. Toby wants that for you. He knows how much you love him, no matter what. This is NOT an easy one to let go of, temporary as all things are. I know you accept that things can’t be forever, but that doesn’t mean you have to be ok with it. That doesn’t make it not hurt like hell.

It feels kind of dumb talking about my intergalactic rainbows when you’re going through this. Even though my head is in the clouds right now, I’m still here Nora! Seriously reach out if you need someone to talk to going through this. Or text me. Or email. Just don’t do this alone. I know you CAN do it alone. But you don’t need to.

My intergalactic girl is named Jessie. She came out of nowhere (well, technically we met through mutual friends). My fear over the past couple of years has been that something inside me broke after Kay and I’d lost the ability to fall deeply in love in a lasting way. Like I was destined forever to find wonderful people, but not have all of the passion & peace I once had. Meeting Jessie has not only proven that fear wrong to me, but exceeded all of my expectations of what I could feel for someone.

Me, in love.

Please excuse me while I wax poetic for a bit.

I’ve never felt so sure of a relationship. On my deepest soul level.

This experience is so profound I’m lacking vocabulary for it. Is there something in Spanish to describe this? “In love” doesn’t do it justice. In love sounds like my heart–but this is all of my cells, and my heart and soul and brain… lit up. That’s what it is… she lights something in me that no one has ever lit before, something I didn’t know was there. That’s the best way I can describe it.

I realize by normal measurements of time this doesn’t make any sense. But I feel like it’s being measured on a different level. Nothing else has felt this balanced. We’re both all in. How the actual fuck does that happen??

possessed-by-aliens-cookie-baking

I have been in love before and dated wonderful people. I’m not discrediting those experiences. But I have never fallen so hard and so right, so that something has felt this good. I’m having trouble touching back down to earth.

My heart doesn’t feel big enough to contain all that I’m feeling and I’m afraid it’s going to explode. In so little time!

I feel like loving her is going to expand my heart bigger than it’s ever been.

All of my gut stuff and resistance stuff feels like it makes sense now. Yes I was mad at it, (I didn’t realize you hate my gut too! You should join the official “we hate Ruth’s gut club”). But it’s like I was trying to guard this spot for her, but I didn’t know that’s what I was doing. My gut has just been doing a happy dance since I met her, and it’s like I felt this big sigh of relief. The resistance and restlessness is gone. No more fighting my singleness or dating-ness. No more arbitrary dates or goals or fighting for balance. I am exactly where I want to be. I want to be hers. I want her to be mine. Signed, sealed, delivered.

Do you think there are things that are parts of us that exist outside of time and place and know better than our present selves?

I know I sound like I’m on drugs right now, and honestly it feels that way a little bit. We are both afraid the other person is going to snap out of it, while simultaneously insisting that “I am not going to”. From the outside I’m sure we’re insufferable. When I’m around her I just want to… stare into her eyes and have some point of physical contact at all times. When I’m not around her I think of her all the time. I cannot NOT smile when I’m looking at her. I laugh all the time. I cuddle in as close as humanly possible and it’s still not close enough. I want to know every layer of her that makes her who she is. The good and the bad.

be still, my heart

Physically I feel so, so good with her Nora. We have a shit ton of chemistry and it’s like I just can’t get enough of her. Everything about her turns me on and it’s like she IS a strand of a drug designed just for me. It’s flowed so naturally and is amplified by all of the out-of-this-world feels.

I keep trying to confirm that she is real and not a dream. I will report back here if I discover she’s been an illusion all along. But it does feel like I’ve met my actual dream girl, and even though the romantic side of me is ready to accept that reality, the cynical, logical side of me is still saying “whaaa?? this is too good to be true…” 

I swear I haven’t lost all sense. It’s just…. it’s worth it. No matter what happens. She’s worth it. I’d risk it all for her. Even if this ends in my heart totally broken—I can’t not try with her. I suppose I may read these words later and weep. But I know I’m not going to regret going all in. I believe I deserve a really big love, and I’m doing this for myself. 

If you meet your dream girl, and you have a chance with her, is there really any other way to proceed other than going all in? Faint heart never won fair lady, after all.

Time is going to teach me things in this. I know it’s early. I know we have so much to learn about each other. My eyes are open. I haven’t forgotten the lessons the past 3 years have taught me. I feel that I am only here right now because of the things I’ve learned. I am only ready for her because of the work I’ve done for myself.

Ok, I think that’s probably enough for one letter. I don’t want your eyes to get tired from all of the eye rolling. 😛 Just accept me as I am Nora! You know I’m a hopeless romantic.

We received a really beautiful letter from a reader who I will call Jane. I am going to publish it shortly. I’m still thinking about a reply. I know it is addressed to me, but I think it’d be valuable for both of us to weigh in on it if that’s something you’d like to do. Look for it soon!

I love you and I’m sending all the good thoughts and love to you and Toby.

Love, Ruth

Fresh tracks

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Dear Nora,

Happy New Year! I have said Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, but I think it is actually New Year. I love fresh starts, as clean as the snow falling on the mountain. I love the reminder the life is cyclical and there is always opportunity to grow, and start back at the beginning and make fresh tracks.

I spent the Christmas holiday with Lily and her family in Florida, and New Years with her and some friends in a cabin on snowy Mt. Hood. How do I feel about things getting more official and serious? Higher stakes are scary. Holding the heart of someone who’s never entrusted their heart to anyone is an honor, but is scary too–even though I remind myself she’s responsible for herself just as much as anyone. Heartbreak is an exercise that I believe has ultimately made my heart stronger, and if I were to go through it again I already know there is light at the end of that tunnel–but I certainly didn’t know that the first time I went through it. Honestly I think for me the scariest part is that one year ago, I was in the midwest meeting Elise’s parents on Christmas Day. What scares me is the way I go into things with so much excitement, so much hope, and then one year later I’m sitting around the Christmas tree with Lily’s lovely family in Florida, opening gifts from her mother and drinking bloody marys. Reflecting on where things were last year has been sobering to me. I feel like I am just a tiny little fool in this huge universe who thinks I know everything, but then moments like this remind me how small and not in control I am. It’s reminded me to give these moments the gravity they deserve.

All I can do is be true to myself, follow my gut, keep moving forward and humble myself with the knowledge that I can’t know what’s going to happen.

It’s also reminded me to appreciate it. As serious as all that is, the break in Florida with Lily and her family was so good, and lighthearted and fun and refreshing. It felt like the first time that the parents of the girl I’ve been dating have truly welcomed me into their home, in a way that I felt wanted not just tolerated. I had our blog conversations on my mind as I was there, as Lily’s parents are supporters of Trump. Ugh. Lily wasn’t quite sure how they would handle meeting a girlfriend, but they pleasantly surprised both of us. I think it was good for her too, to be herself in front of them in a new way, to see them in a new way.

Hearing your story of Cory and her mom boiled my blood. I really have no words… I know it sounds so cliché, but truly Nora–you deserve better. No one can help if they’re born to racist close-minded WASPy parents, but for her not to defend the girl she loves to that kind of bigotry. The fact she couldn’t even justify her actions to you? Wouldn’t even talk to you over the phone? I kind of feel sorry for her, she’s going to allow herself to remain under her mother’s thumb as long as the money matters, as long as she can’t be honest about who she really is to her family. That girl has some battles to fight. And those battles our no longer yours to share because she allowed you to be a casualty in them. I’m so sorry that it’s ended, and especially in that way. You said, “I should know better than to feel this way”, but try your best to allow your feelings to exist without assigning judgment to them. You can’t expect those hopes to die overnight, especially after you’ve fostered them so carefully for so long.

It would be heartbreaking for you to lose Abby over this. I don’t know your relationship with her or the dynamic with the three of you. But it’s hard to imagine, if she knows the whole situation and knows you well, that she would choose Cory’s side. There are few things stronger than close friendships, and it sounds like you and Abby have something really good.

With the new year has come an irresistible urge to take a step back and look at my life and growth over the past year, and to move forward in a mindful way. Lately I’ve been wanting to hunker down, burrow in my little studio and work on myself.

I want to build a cocoon around myself so I can just focus on the transformation into the person I feel I am becoming.

Possibly the “person I am becoming” is crazy cat lady…

To write, to read, to practice mediation and yoga and go swim laps. Having a cat isn’t helping motivate me to leave my apartment either. Nora, I fucking love this little ball of fur so much! She is seriously like medicine for my soul. Her goofiness getting tangled in her toys, her playfulness running around, her demands for lovins and cuddles, how she headbutts my head with her head and trusts me and lays next to me or sits on my lap. As you might guess, all this nesting desire is not necessarily congruent with a relationship. I think me expressing some of my desire to be home more or do stuff alone has made Lily feel bad in some ways, but she is as understanding as I could ask for and wants to help work towards that balance, for herself too. I feel like I really have never mastered that in a relationship, but I am working on it.

I was proud that my “top nine” on instagram this year showed me being myself, adopting Magpie and going on adventures… and for the first time weren’t focused on a relationship.

I’ve never been so determined to take good care of something as I am to take care of Magpie. As I was researching in detail what types of foods are best for her and what she needs in her little cat diet, I had a moment of realization of why the fuck don’t I take this much care of myself? I have been sloppy with how I treat my body lately, not really noticing what I’m eating, not listening to what it needs. Thinking mean things about it. I have PCOS – a fairly common condition in women that can cause weight gain through extra insulin production and hormonal imbalances that throw all sorts of things out of whack. Regulating my glucose, even on a basic level–just eating things not high in sugar, and getting some regular exercise go a long way to helping my body help itself. How can I say I love myself and if I’m not loving and caring for my body?

My theme moving into 2017 is mindfulness. I want to live an examined life in order to fully appreciate it, but also to not be careless with the choices I make.

I’m so excited for you and your new OKC boos! Slow is good. Cute dates are good. Girls who are actually into girls are good. Can’t wait to see where those may go and I’m proud of you for seeking out new connections.

I can’t imagine how torturous it is waiting on word from med school, so instead of talking about that, I’m going to ask about your plan B that lands you in Philadelphia? I’m excited for you to be able to return to the east coast. Do you already know people in Philly? What is in Philly that you’re excited about? Is there much of a queer scene there?

Here’s to longer days and fresh tracks in 2017.

Love, Ruth

Beginning a Revolution

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Dear Nora,

It’s been too long! A month, in fact, since you have written me and I have been so slow to reply. I’m sorry for that. I hope you have been well. I’m glad at least to follow you on social media and see that you’re alive and doing all the things. How have you been feeling? How are the new meds you’ve started? How is the dog sitting business going? Any nice OKC dates? Any more word from Mars? From Cory in limbo land? So many questions for you!

And so much news for you as well.

I moved! As you know I had been living in Elise & I’s apartment post-breakup and was stretching to pay for it all myself. It was time to get out. I gave my notice that I would not renew the lease as soon as it ended, packed up all my things, and voila! New start!

I know you will kill me when I tell you this. But Lily and I talked it over. Yes, it’s only been 3 months… but we’ve been spending so many nights together, and it just felt silly to pay two separate rent payments in an increasingly expensive city. Nora, it was only logical! She had room in her place for me, so…

Well… you know. Don’t send the army!

Ok… I am only kidding. I had to mess with you just a little—did you believe me? I did in fact move, but to my very own little studio apartment, signed complete with a one-year lease and all of my stuff snuggly settled. It feels so great and I love it and it suits me.

I do not live there alone, but my roommate is only 7 lbs and eats canned food like a little monster and she likes to chase feathery things and climb on top of me when I am stationary. She meows at me in the morning, and purrs when I scoop her up and hold her. First thing I did once I got the new apartment was drive out to the shelter and pick out a cat to take home. It was love at first sight with a black and white cat who I’ve named Magpie. She is my little love, and I intend for her to live until I am at least 50 years old. I cannot put into words how happy it has made my heart to bring her home and have her, knowing I get to keep her and care for her for a very long time. Right now I am sitting in bed and she is laying by my feet, warm little ball of fur contentedly snoozing.

Meeting Magpie at the shelter (L), Magpie in my kitchen (R)

Starting over in my new little apartment, with my new little cat, it’s felt a bit like a parallel to my life 2 years ago. When I just had moved to Portland, set up in my first apartment here with the cats. Before I moved in with Elise. Before I sent the cats to their other homes.

I think about that version of me and I feel as though I’ve changed a lot since I was her.

I feel stronger than her, maybe a tiny bit wiser, or more cynical and cautious. I trust myself more. I know myself better. I love myself more. I’ve started to put down roots in this new place and feel like I’m becoming part of communities here. All of that independent from any relationship.

In November, Lily and I and some other friends went to Boston and for some friends’ wedding, and I also celebrated my 30th birthday there. It was special and memorable and reflective for me. It was also somewhat overshadowed by the heartbreaking news of Trump’s victory a few days before. We stayed up late watching elections that Tuesday night, horrified as hope dwindled painfully over those long hours. At some point it was looking so grim I passed out in bed and awoke the next morning to the worst case scenario. It felt impossible, Nora. But here we are.

A friend of mine who lives in Indiana told me while she was visiting this summer, “Ruth, you don’t get it out here in Portland, you don’t know what a real possibility it is he will win.” And I blew her off. That’s what we all did. We blew it off. We made him into a comical sketch and laughed at his absurdity, and now he’s laughing at all of us. Another friend on the west coast said in disbelief: “I had no idea I lived in such a bubble”. 

There is a sick pit in my stomach thinking about all the power he will have, all the things that felt like progress that could be undone. I’m so discouraged. I can’t imagine feeling all of that, and then in addition feeling afraid for my muslim or immigrant status, or whatever else he may choose to target that he considers “un-American”. 

I’ve also been feeling the need to understand. It’s so tempting to label all of the red in the middle as dumbfuckistan. But that misses the whole point. Laughing at them doesn’t help. Hating them doesn’t help. Demonizing other people has never once helped bridge any gap. There is a gap in this country. And as much it infuriates me that it feels like we’ve taken steps backwards, I know that those 62,979,616 people who voted for Trump are not all idiots, they are not all evil, they are not all racist or homophobic, or anti-the-environment or anti-immigrant. I grew up in Indiana and spent my whole life there around those communities of people.

Life is not black and white. It is a big puddle of gray.

And there are honest, hard-working, kind-hearted people who voted for Trump with good, albeit misguided, intentions–whether or not you can believe it. I disagree with their choice wholeheartedly, but the information they received in their corner of the world helped them believe they were making the right call. I pray to the universe that he does no irreversible damage. I am terrified, and a little in denial. I don’t know what the answer or plan of action is here. But I don’t think it’s rioting in the streets and beating effigies of Trump or bullying those who voted for him. I remember conservative people saying horrible, awful hateful things about Obama when he was elected. It’s hard for me not to shudder when I hear those same things now being said by liberals around me about Trump. Are we no different? We have to be different. We have to look for ways to bridge the fucking gap and understand each other. After all, isn’t that what we’re asking them to try to do? Understand us and care about us? I think it has to go both ways.

Ok, my rant is over! I LOVED what you said: ” I want to be more open I want to advocate and do activism. I wanna fight for Black Lives, women’s rights, reproductive rights, gay rights, accessible healthcare, removal of mental health stigma. The Trump administration is going to be the beginning of my revolution.” I think that’s a really good way to approach this.

If nothing else, this should be our biggest motivator of all time to make shit happen. 

Lily and I are moving right along, three months into our new relationship. I can safely say it is unlike any relationship I’ve ever been in. It doesn’t feel suspenseful or half-assed or entangled or co-dependent or game-ridden or fraught with tension or needy. There’s no element of trying to get the other person to do or say or feel what you want. I’m not saying all of my previous relationship experiences have been bad… but this feels remarkably different and healthy. It feels almost silly now that I had ever settled for less of a good fit than this. She blows me away Nora. I am surprised daily by her kindness and thoughtfulness. I can feel how genuinely she likes me, not because of what I add to her, or change in her, or because of something I do or say or a role I fill, or something I may become. She loves me just as me, not because I offer anything.

Because I’m me, she loves me.

I feel safe with her in a new way. She is unselfish, un-manipulative, sincere and honest. She is so happy for me at my new apartment with Magpie, and doesn’t guilt trip me when I need space or alone time. But is always happy and excited to see me again, and makes me feel like a queen. I am doing my best to be cautiously optimistic and keep my eyes open, and watch my words so that time can do what it does best—boils things down to the truth. But I am hopeful, and I think that is ok. She makes me laugh, and when I don’t feel like laughing she cares to take the time to find out why. I’m playful and unguarded with her in a way that continues to surprise me.

At the wedding in Boston with Lily

We haven’t fought at all yet. Should that worry me? I would say yes if one of us was giving in all the time or being a pushover, but it feels pretty balanced and the not-fighting seems to be a result of just open communication and generally on the same page about most things.

She is definitely a hopeless romantic type, but also with a firm foot in reality. She hasn’t gotten caught up in all the things like I have. She hasn’t actually been in a relationship, have I mentioned that? Some of it has to do with her coming out later in life. I also think it’s because she didn’t seem to feel the need just to be with someone, unless it was someone she felt a really strong connection with. She is pretty content and happy on her own, and spent her 31 years of being single traveling and forming good friendships and getting to know herself well and working at becoming the person she wanted to be, as well as furthering her education and career. I admire and respect her so much for that. I remember my desperate feelings of wanting to find someone, even at age 21. But I can tell she isn’t with me just to be with someone. She’s with me because she would pick me, even if she had dated many people before me. As she should! I am pretty great, after all. I joke with her that she just started with the best first (but I also mean it) and saved herself some trouble. 

I am headed off tomorrow to spend Christmas with her and her family. In Florida… of all places. I’ll try to not wait forever to send more updates. In the meantime, tell me all the things! 

Love, Ruth

P.S. I know I’m being pretty insufferable with this in-love new relationship boring monogamy crap. #sorrynotsorry You know I can’t help it!

P.P.S. Trace, please go away and leave Nora alone. 

Life surprising me, once again

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Dear Nora,

Just when I think I know what’s up, the universe likes to have a good chuckle at me and show me how much I don’t know about life. That’s what’s happened over this past week Nora, and I’ve just had to sit back and laugh and marvel at life’s funny way to twisting the plot. I should have seen this coming, but it caught me by surprise.

You are going to kill me.

I befriended this girl a little while back. Let’s call her Lily. Lily was a friend of a friend and I saw her around occasionally but knew her only in passing. Then, last winter she joined the choir that I’m in, so I started seeing her more regularly. By the time Elise and I broke up in May, we had the beginnings of what seemed to be a promising friendship, and I knew her enough to know she was someone I really wanted in my life.

I decided to make her a friend goal. I felt a strong pull towards her, and I wasn’t quite sure what it was–but I wanted to invest time in getting to know her. Things I did know: I really liked spending time with her, I felt safe and unjudged and ok as-I-am with her, I laughed more with her than almost anyone, I shared things with her that I don’t normally share with people.

Whenever we hung out, it just felt… comfortable and effortless to be around her.

Our friendship began to grow, naturally. She seemed to be just as interested in spending time together as I was. I progressed with my freedom summer of dating and being single, and she was a support and encouragement as I navigated my way. No matter what else was going on, I looked forward to seeing her again. Over the months spent getting to know each other, I had these little thoughts in the back of my mind that I tried to ignore… “I wonder… is there more here?”, “Why do I feel such a strong connection with her?”, “Am I attracted to her as more than a friend?”. I confided in a close friend that I felt like I was developing stronger feelings for Lily, but I wasn’t ready for them yet. I cared so much about her I didn’t want to do anything to squander an opportunity if there was, indeed, a chance that we’d be something. But it only seemed to grow, and it got to the point where I just told myself, “wait. you are going to date her. just not yet.”

And then, “yet” arrived.

We were eating tacos and I was jabbering on about something (have I mentioned I talk more around her than most people? also, that I love trying to make her laugh?) Anyway. And then she said, as though it were just an ordinary thing to say, that she was sorry if this complicated my current dating situation, but she needed to tell me… that she had feelings for me. She said it had been growing for months, and it wasn’t healthy for her to keep holding it in and have it turn into anything negative, left unaddressed. She said she expected nothing in return, and knew where I was at with dating and wanted nothing more than for me to continue with my process. She wanted very much to remain friends, and figured this would just be something she had to “work out”.

It was quite a surreal moment. I sat there a bit stunned, and just suddenly felt that I had already seen this part. Like I had always known somehow that this was going to happen and she and I were just little pieces on the board game of the universe. My heart felt full in that moment. I told her I also had more than just friend feelings, and that I felt the connection too, and had the sense this was something “bigger than me”.

Yes, you might say I’m lost in the sauce. But that implies messiness. This feels like one of the least messy things I’ve done. It feels so right, and I have a sense of peace. She’s something really special. I’ll tell you more about her in upcoming letters. Having the opportunity to get to know her as a friend was so ideal, I couldn’t have planned it this way if I had tried.

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Thoughtful flowers from Lily <3

I am moving forward, intentionally. Knowing how important it is for me (and her!) to keep focusing on my own needs and not giving up who I am for someone else. Not letting my softness become the “worst of me”. And working to focus on things that I know to be true. Seeing her as a real human, not some idealized version I build up in my mind. Being honest with her and myself about where I’m at.

“I choose to love this time, for once, with all my intelligence.”

-Adrienne Rich in Dream of a Common Language

She offered to wait if I needed more time before dating. She asked how she can help make sure I’m taking care of myself. She said the last thing she wants is for me to lose myself in any way. I believe she sees the light in me, Nora, and she wants me to keep shining.

If I told you it’s different this time than it’s ever been, would you believe me? My gut says it is. At least, I think that’s my gut talking. Don’t worry, I am still adequately terrified. But the wave that’s moving me forward is stronger than my fear of starting this. I think if it were anyone but her, I wouldn’t feel ready to start a new relationship. I’m not sure what that means, but I do know I feel safe and known in a way I haven’t in a long time.

I think this is going to be good thing, Nora. Try not to judge me too harshly… I made it to just about 1.5 months out from my 30th birthday!

Naturally I had to end things with Sam once I realized these feelings with Lily were mutual and that it was going somewhere. I knew that continuing with her in any way would most likely end in her getting hurt, since I didn’t see that going anywhere long term. I tried to do it in the kindest way possible.

This whole thing has been a bit surreal, and I’ve had trouble putting it down on the page for you.

I’m going to have to end this letter here, I’ve been traveling quite a bit this week and my train is getting ready to leave. This whole letter is about me, thank you for being a good listener and friend. Let me know how you are doing! I hope you have updates from your canyon on Mars, and that you haven’t been too isolated lately. I think of you often and send out good thoughts to the universe for you.

Feeling all the feels, Ruth

 

Major Writer’s Block

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Dear Ruth, 

You insist on being MIA and I just don’t know what to do with myself. I am starting to think that your letter got lost in the mail. The wires got crossed and it landed in Antarctica or anywhere that’s not here. I can wait for you to respond but I rather much not. Especially since I sat here all set up to write my personal statement for admission to graduate school and so far I got nothing. 

Therefore, I will write to you and vent about a few things that have been on my mind:

1.Medical School:

This application process is freaking terrible. I applied once and I failed. The following year I could not apply because I had some immigration issues going on. So this is my last chance to apply without re-taking the MCAT and I am freaking out.  I am competing with a bunch of privileged people whose job so far has been to get good grades. A lot of them live and breathe to become competitive applicants. That has not been my life. I am alone, I had to work, I had to pay rent. 

I could not just volunteer a thousand hours in a lab or a clinic. I could not just study away as I would have liked to. A part me knows I don’t have the numbers to chase this dream and that as an immigrant this is aiming pretty high. But the fact of the matter is that I don’t see myself doing anything else, so I am going to keep trying until I get into medical school or become so disillusioned with this dream that it’d wither away on its own. 

2. Emotionally unavailable people:

I have come to realize that I have been in love mutually only once and that was with my ex. I was in love with her and she was in love with me. This exhilarating experienced clouded my judgement and lead me to make crazy decisions.Some of them good, like coming out of the closet and committing to a relationship. Some of them bad, like moving in together too soon and moving to another state. 

I have the terrible habit of falling in love with emotionally unavailable people. This is a painful measure of self protection but it’s killing me. Trace and I are in such different places emotionally, I know they don’t feel about me as strongly as I feel about them and honestly, I doubt they want to. Here’s the catch though: they treat me well. They are honest, they don’t give me shit or drama for anything. We have a pretty chill relationship and I have been happy so far. 

My love and I

My love and I

But then my brain turns on, and starts thinking. Thinking is DA WORST. I realized that although they love me they’re not in love with me and this imbalance hurts. It pains me that their heart does not jump like mine, like they don’t yearn for me, that they are not fulfilled with me the way they have with other partners in the past. It makes me insecure. It makes me jealous of ghosts, of people in their past that have had what I want: Trace’s devotion. I have seriously considered ending it but I literally do not have a reason other than “They’re not in love with me” I cannot punish them (and myself) for something that is outta of our control. It’s stupid. 

The only thing more painful that the emotional imbalance would be to not have them in my life at all. I am trying to live the moment, I am trying to tell myself that maybe one day they’ll wake up and realize I am FUCKING WONDERFUL. That day may or may not come, maybe some other bitch shows up and they think SHE’s fucking wonderful. I actually brought this up, and their reaction was “What happens then?” UGH instead of “What are the chances of that?” They’re not the best at reassuring me TBH. 

3. Vicious Cycles

I am seeing seeing someone this summer that I’ll refer to as Blondie. Blondie is the person I cheated on my partner with. I have feelings for her STILL. TWO YEARS LATER. It is one of those situations in which we did not get a chance to be together because I moved to California so I keep wondering what would have happened if…I know the answer though: It’d be a fucking disaster. We are too different. She’s semi closeted, monogamous, privileged, seven years younger, her family hates me because I “turned her gay” (ha, ha not sorry I am hot). 

But I hold on to this illusions, one day…It’s part of what I was saying before: Going for emotionally unavailable people. How do I stop?

4. Commitment

I love Trace. I want to be with them for a while. But there’s life and reality and medical school and distances. I realize that i don’t want to fully commit to anyone since my ex because I find that I do not have healthy boundaries. I am impulsive and extremist I don’t measure myself out. I jump. I don’t want to do that anymore. 

I resent my ex extremely for making me move here. Moving here has delayed my dreams, it created issues financially and professionally for me. That’s not even mentioning the decay of my mental health and surviving without a support system. I no longer dwell on this though, I have made the best of my time in California. But the resentment is still there. 

I am taking my time with relationship commitment. Focusing of getting into school and then, once I know where I will be the next four years of my life I can commit to a place and a person, hopefully Trace. There’s residency to worry about but that’s way too far away in the future. 

5. Personal statement

Why wont this just write itself?

I really hope you are doing well and you are just busy with life and your wife. I appreciate having this space to vent and communicate with you and whoever else has been reading this letters. Makes me feel like my voice is heard. 

My schedule is freeing up. The last few months I have been working full time, shadowing a doctor, volunteering downtown and volunteering in research. Had to take a leave of absence from my virtual crisis volunteering. I am returning to that in June, or as soon as I can write this personal statement thing. I am done doing volunteer research and shadowing. So things are winding down. 

I start a new job next week that I am extremely excited about. Between the new job, the new apartment and some plans to travel this summer I am really really grateful to the Universe for all the gifts it has granted me this year. 

I hope you don’t have a writer’s block as big as mine. 

Love, 

Nora

 

Dognut

Dognut

Choosing one another

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Dear Nora,

I have to confess.. I’ve been avoiding you a little bit. Not really deliberately, but if I’m being totally honest it’s because as I’ve been thinking about the question “why marriage” I am having trouble coming up with a good answer for you.

So instead of waiting to reply until I can offer a nicely packaged response, instead I will offer you just my scattered thoughts on the subject. First, a few quotes:

“that’s the most beautiful thing in the world: when two people become fluent in choosing one another.” -HB

“Why do we choose partners so different from ourselves? It’s not fate, chance or clichés like ‘the heart wants what it wants’. We choose our partners because they represent the unfinished business from our childhood. And we choose them because they manifest the qualities we wish we had. In doing so, in choosing such a challenging partner and working to give them what they need, we chart a course for our own growth.” – Modern Family

That I can tell you—if I know anything about Elise and I, it’s that she helps me chart my course for growth. But somehow, simultaneously accepting me, 100% as I am in this moment. I just think marriage offers you “security” (I know divorce…  people break promises and are human and fail… all that crap…)—but it is someone saying to the world, I choose this person to be my closest of kin. I choose to work through the hard parts of life with them. I choose to share the best parts with them. This person is my anchor. This person is my home.

spring

Spring <3

Elise signed her first ever lease with me. She had previously just rented rooms, or lived with someone who owned a house, or somehow just got by with out ever having to make that legal commitment. So it was a big step for her to enter into a binding contract with me. NOT that she couldn’t get out of it, there is always a way out if you really want out. But by her taking that step with me, it demonstrated that she was “in this” with me. That’s what marriage is, x1000. Not a one year lease. But looking around at this crazy world and crazy life, and saying “I’m in this with you”. You could do it and mean it just the same without the paperwork, and there is always a way out, contract or not. But the act of publicly and legally binding to that person, it’s a demonstration of that commitment. It’s the act of doing that that adds the meaning, not the paper itself.

I know what it’s not. It’s not someone responsible for your happiness. It’s not your “everything” (no one person will ever be able to fulfill all your needs, nor are they supposed to). It’s not a fairy tale.

One more quote for you. Actually, this one is a poem:

What love isn’t

It is not a five star stay. It is not compliments and it is ever ever flattery.
It is solid. Not sweet but always nutritious
Always herb, always salt. Sometimes grit.
It is now till the end. It is never a slither, never a little
it is a full serving
it is much
too much and real never pretty or clean. It stinks – you can smell it coming
it is weight
it is weight and it is too heavy to feel good sometimes. It is discomfort – is is not what the films say. Only songs
get it right
it is irregular
it is difficult
and always, always
surprising.

– Yrsa Daley-Ward

I’ve been fighting some of my more infuriating and possessive demons this past week or so. God, how I long to be free of them. Jealousy is like a puppeteer that laughs at me fighting my strings and makes me look like fool. I’m tired of the game, and I want out. I want ownership of my thoughts and feelings again Nora. Do you think I can get that back? I am determined to.

Your panic attacks sound terrifying. How do you handle that? Those moments of losing control, and knowing you’re not crazy, but also knowing something is sweeping over you that is bigger than you—something that can’t be reasoned with?

Have you come up with a new game plan to help with stress?

Trace sounds like a lovely person, and I’m glad you have them as a support, as well as some good and growing friendships. I think owning the identity of agender seems brave and beautiful and freeing. But also probably really hard, in practice, because our world is so binary with gender—even our languages! People get so uncomfortable with things they can’t categorize in a clearly labeled file folder.

I have people that feel permanent in my life, namely my family, especially my siblings who are my favorite humans in the world and get me and accept me in a way that I could never replace. I know permanency is an illusion and no one is truly permanent in life. People come and go and change and grow together and apart. Or sometimes a friend moves away and falls off the face of the earth (I’m so sorry that happened to you, friend), or gets married and has kids and everything changes. With friendships, I’ve had people revolve in and out over long timespans, and I think that is ok. A few have really stuck in my heart, and I think will be around “for good” in one way or another, but I guess time will tell. That is one of the bigger things I am learning to accept.

My dear, your story is anything but boring! I can literally not even imagine my 16-year-old self handling everything you went through. Sixteen-year-old Ruth was just going to youth group, swim team, and obsessing over The Lord of the Rings and Princess Diaries. My greatest challenge that year was AP U.S. History. So, if that tells you anything…

I want to hear about your trip back to Colombia! Details please.

Your friend, Ruth

P.S. Seeing pics of Toby makes me miss the little fur babies who’ve been part of my life. I am currently petless, but I know Elise & I will remedy that hopefully sooner rather than later. She wants a yorkie. So… that probably means we’ll be getting a yorkie (the girl gets what the girl wants).

Loved as a whole

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Dear Nora,

I’ve been marinating in two pools of thought ever since I read your letter. 1) thinking about that “m” word…and your question “WHY?” and 2) thinking about relationships in combination with mental health issues.

Thank you for sharing about your depression with me. I’ve known people in the past who try to hide their struggle with that. But that just piles shame on top of depression, and adds another log on that fire of perceived failures.

I also appreciate you addressing the importance of a partner (or really, any close person in your life) learning how to best help you during a bout of depression. Mental health has been a recurring theme in my life without me being able to say I’ve personally struggled with it. Some of the most important people I hold dear struggle with mental health issues. I am certain I’ve been guilty of not handling it well at times, just trying to douse out depression with a big bucket of positivity. I’ve definitely learned over time that it’s more beneficial and comforting to them when I step into their pain with them instead of trying to pull them out of it.

There is so much shame and easy dismissal of those with mental health struggles.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve head a comment like: “I dated her, but she was crazy–seriously, she was bi-polar or something and needed to be on meds.”

I am disturbed by that statement on many levels. Mostly it’s just an ignorant and shaming thing to say–who are you to diagnose and prescribe treatment?

My sister is bi-polar, it’s something she wakes up every morning and tackles–the weather systems of moods sweeping through her days and nights. But there is almost no one I love as much as her. Not only is she incredibly lovable and unique and generous and brilliant, she is a kind and loving partner to the man she is dating. And has been completely open with him about her challenges.

Mental health is a very real thing. In fact, a very common thing (1 in 5 adults in the U.S. struggle with mental health). It can have a huge, crippling impact on a life, or it can hover in the background like a buzzing fly, or come and go in waves. But no matter what it’s presence is like, the person who has to deal with it is still 100% worthy of love and empathy and acceptance. And they may choose to seek medication and therapy, and they may not. Or they might find other ways to handle it (fried chicken and lavender are nice). But your job, as someone who loves them, is not to shame them, or tell them they’re “crazy”, or dictate what their treatment should be. It’s to support them. It does bring a unique set of challenges to romantic partnerships, but who doesn’t come with their own variety of challenges, insecurities, and struggles? I think the best way to “deal” is to just be as open and honest with communication as possible. You aren’t there to save or fix someone, your job is to love them, and love yourself.

*whew* Sorry that was just a bit longwinded. Obviously this is an important topic to me. Elise deals with some mental health issues as well, and has been upfront with me from the beginning about it. I have so much to learn still, but I know these challenges have already stretched me to grow in so many ways. You don’t love someone in spite of their issues, you love them as a whole—all the parts of them make up who they are.

Ok, since this has gotten quite lengthy, I’m going to save my response about marriage for the next letter. In the meantime, some questions for you, my dear. This is highly personal, but can I ask why you left your family in Colombia at age 16? That is such a brave and terrifying thought to me. Do you still keep in touch with them? Have you ever gone back? Are your closest friends with you in California? or still back in NY? Do you have people in your life who feel “permanent”?

P.S. Thoughts of marriage coming soon. Also, massages do sound nice as well.

Love, Ruth

P.P.S. Elise and I celebrated our one year anniversary on Vancouver Island, B.C. by staying at this amazing spherical floating treehouse! It was unforgettable and quite special. Pictures below, because I can’t help myself…

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Value and Vulnerability

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Dear Nora,

Happy Leap Day! Did you do anything special to celebrate the extra day?

All of your Valentine’s dates sound incredibly romantic (including the one with your ex…*ehem*). I don’t know how you do it! I can barely keep feelings straight and manage one relationship at a time. Then again, being openly polyamorous maybe takes off some of the pressure of monogamy to be ALL for the other person, and perhaps you don’t waste so much energy worrying about it being long-term/permanent, being “the one”, all of that. I’ve done so very little casual dating, so that’s really a foreign concept to me, in terms of personal experience. I feel I am naturally inclined to competition and jealousy, and I’m guessing that mixes with dating multiple people like oil mixes with water.

So romantic dates with the ex, eh? That can’t be easy. Do you two work to maintain a friendship? How is that? I always thought that would be me. That I would be someone who was friends with my ex if I ever had one. And then, when that became a reality, I realized that our friendship had very little to build on—yes we had years of love and nostalgia and growth together, but it had become so watered down with her guilt and my mistrust of her in the end. Maybe someday we will regain some of what we lost. But for now I think it’s for the best this way.

I envy your voice of instinct and your ability to listen to it. That is something that often comes out garbled for me, due to my compulsion to people-please—I allow the voices of others to drown out my own. But the voice is there, and it’s my job to listen to it. “People will lie to you, you will lie to yourself. But in the depths of consciousness there’s still that compass of self protection that will continue to point to the north. Follow the arrow.” I really like that, Nora.

I found comfort and support in friends and family after the breakup. Making trips to visit good friends and lots of long phone calls and letters and tears. But everyone was as stunned as I was, and hadn’t really ever seen me like this before. I think they weren’t quite sure what to do with me. After thinking “it will be fine, I’m fine, I’m fine…” I realized I was not fine after all, and there was a big ‘ole crash and burn. Within three months of the breakup my plans to move to Portland were set and I couldn’t get away from Indiana fast enough.

Elise and I are approaching one year together. I wish I could say it was smooth sailing and the perfect light of a sunrise coming up on the horizon of our lives. But it is not that. It is hard. It is work. So in other words, it’s real life. We are living together, and throwing the “m” word around more and more frequently. Timing landed us in the same place at the same time, and in the same general stage of life—looking for someone to walk side-by-side with, someone to “adult” with, be ourselves with, grow with, enjoy both the mundane and the exciting with. Someone to hold onto through the pain. We had a very instant and deep connection and it sucked us both in—and now it’s almost a year later. And as the dust of this whirlwind has settled, I think we’re both taking a deep breath and looking around at where we’ve landed and really evaluating where this is going. Not just moving forward to move forward. But doing so only if we are both 100% in it, and committed to the not just the joy, but the hard work of a long-term partnership.

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It’s made me really think about why we “do” relationships. Sure, the initial part is easy to explain. The attraction, the excitement, the intrigue and mystery and the game. But what does the long term offer? A lot of that initial stuff fades, and in the end you just have this very real, imperfect person next to you every day. And you choose, daily, whether to let them in. And you choose daily to love them and what to give and take. Finding the balance of what to compromise on and what to fight for. And sometimes it’s extremely rewarding. And sometimes it requires much of you. And this person is like your best friend, and your lover, and your family all rolled into one. Someone who knows your best and your worst and daily ups and downs, from all sides. There is a deep value in that, and also a terrifying vulnerability.

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I found a really lovely quote the other day, written by Edith Wharton (one of my all-time favorite authors) to a good friend in a letter. It’s about how to be happy & fulfilled, whether alone or with someone else:

“I believe I know the only cure, which is to make one’s center of life inside of one’s self, not selfishly or excludingly, but with a kind of unassailable serenity—to decorate one’s inner house so richly that one is content there, glad to welcome anyone who wants to come and stay, but happy all the same when one is inevitably alone.”

Here’s to decorating your inner house,

Ruth

On Trusting Your Instincts

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Dear Ruth

I have so many updates for you in terms of romance.

e62fb458-7a8e-4b10-9d01-f44706b77503

San Diego, CA February 2016

Valentine’s Day was Amazing this year. On Saturday I had a Mariachi Dinner with Jayne*, she loved it. On Sunday, I had Palentine’s dinner with a friend. Friendship is the best of the loves. Then Monday and Tuesday I was in San Diego with Trace*. I have been seeing Jayne since September. We are both in our first polyamorous relationship and it has been such a learning experience. I have a longer history of on-and-offs with Trace. We are currently in a situationship. She is monogamous though, which complicates things. How can a monogamous person date a polyamorous person? I do not know, as of right now, we are making it work.

 

I also saw my ex this week for a salsa concert. Which made me a little melancholic because 1. Gilberto Santa Rosa has the most romantic salsa on earth and 2. We went to so many of these events together throughout our relationship. It makes the guilt come back to remind me that I had someone that I was extremely compatible with and that I ruined it. Guilt is lying though, I did not single handedly ruin it. It takes two to tango. Plus even though we seemed so compatible, I was very unhappy throughout our time in California. I was a lot happier when we were together in Brooklyn. That being said,

guilt will come to chase you and you just have to run faster.

It is interesting that we had the same but opposite experience and we had the same but opposite response. If there’s something that I came out with from my last breakup was trusting my instincts. This requires me to give up my hopes and daydreams. Understanding that the small voice inside of me is thinking ahead, it’s seen this before, it knows where this road leads.

I knew when my ex left New York City that I was extremely hurt by her abandonment. I was hooping to get over it. I supported her decision, and encouraged her, to apply for jobs here in LA. She was having a hard time in New York. But I did not know was how this would affect me, and the relationship.

By the time I got to LA, six months later, the whole thing was broken. I could not trust her with my heart since she had no problem picking up and leaving me behind in a span of about a week. It all happened so fast. I had to give away her clothes, move apartments, put our furniture on craigslist. The dog would roam the house looking for her, waiting for her to come home. She left me alone with a pile of shit to deal with and came to live the life in California.

I thought I could move on once we were back together. I thought the distance was the root of all the evil and that once we were near each other again, the feelings and the trust would return. (They did not). I ignored the parts of me heart that could no longer believe in someone who so easily just LEFT ME. From then on, I have a rule:

When in doubt, go with your gut.

2014-05-29-gut

People will lie to you, you will lie to yourself. But in the depths of consciousness there’s still that compass of self protection that will continue to point to the north. Follow the arrow.

It is hard to trust yourself when your instincts have failed you before. When you were convinced that you had something that may or may not have existed. But go back to that time, to the moment, really. I bet it seemed like a good idea at the time to let go of yourself, to alleviate the pain of betrayal by denying it. It is a lot easier to sit and think that you were unworthy and “not enough” and make poor decisions, than it is to accept that this precious thing you handed to someone so carefully, YOUR HEART, was dropped. For some bizarre reason, and I have seen people do this a lot, we tend to justify the shortcomings of our loved-ones at our own expense. We make excuses for their behaviors and exonerate them.

Forgiving yourself means giving yourself permission to make mistakes, understanding that most of life is playing trial and error until something works. It also recognizing our faults and taking responsibility. It requires us to separate what we did from what they did and being able to let go of both. Not an easy task but once it’s done, the voice that has been saying “I told you so” will stop pointing fingers. And you will have you back. 

I am curious as to where you found support after the crisis. How did your friends and family react? What reasons did you give them for the break up? How long did it take you to move to Portland?

I hope this week brings you lots of blessings.

Love,

Nora
*Jayne and Trace are not their real names. But they both approved these aliases.

Readying to Bloom

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Dear Ruth,

If it rains there it won’t stop here. I realize that is a terrible way to start this letter but I promise it sounds beautiful in Spanish (Si por alla llueve, por aqui no escampa).

soundsbetter in spanish

The oatmeal in your breakfast reminds me I bought a huge pack of oats and I have to make some cookies because they are a lot tastier than oatmeal. I am happy to hear than you are singing in the Lesbian Choir (you are growing as a gay), and that this past year brought so many positive changes.

It has been an eventful year for me as well, this time last year I was also going through a breakup, alas on the opposite side of the coin. My ex-girlfriend of 3 years went through my cell phone and found very inappropriate messages between me and a girl from school. I am not sure how long I cheated on her for, I don’t even know what counts as cheating at this point since the girl in question was on the opposite coast. I had a sexual encounter with this person once while I was with my ex. So “technically” I only cheated on her one time?, one day?. I could try and justify the cheating and say it was the alcohol, a moment of weakness, that I was in heat, anything. But really, that is not how it works.

With cheating, comes an incredible amount of lying and omitting, violating your partner’s trust and the terms of the relationship. My ex did not deserve that. You did not deserve that. Once your needs are not being met in a relationship the adult thing to do is to address it, to have the open honest, painful conversation that the end is approaching. Denial has never served anyone well. I was alone in a foreign city, where I moved to be with my ex, depressed, lonely. and feeling unsupported. I developed feelings for someone else, I struggled with those feelings and I listened to my heart, not decency or common sense, and allowed myself to engage with someone else.

I have since renounced monogamy. Today, a year after being found out, (and having to move out, she kicked me out naturally) I am with two people who care for me, value me, don’t make me feel restricted and, best of all, know each other and about each other. I am being a lot more honest these days. Primarily with myself, accepting that I am not made for the stereotypical relationship that I may never have the white picket fence and the 2.2 kids. But sacrificing this fantastical notion of what a relationship should look like has allowed me to build strong REAL (not ideal) bonds with people.

You and Elise seemed to have formed a very strong bond in such a short time (You met her on Valentine’s? How romantic). I am not sure how she’s coping with your lack of trust and on-going healing process, but really it is not her job to clean up after the last mess. It’s yours. You get the broom and pick up the pieces of your soul that were scattered. You must wash them by hand and hang them out to dry. You then have to sew them back together, I warn you though, it won’t look the same. Even after ironing the last wrinkles of resentment you will be a whole new canvas.
I was tempted to tell you that you should have taken more time before committing to a new person, but I know that this is not how it works for everyone.

In actuality, it is love and not time what heals wounds.

When I think of healing, I like to think that we were born perfect. We are just trying to re-discover our heart and what it looked like before it was broken. I am just here to remind you that it is not your fault that you were hurt, that you ex’s decisions were hers to make and she selfishly sacrificed your well being for her wishes, that her lying is NOT A COMMENT ON YOUR WORTH, that you are wonderful and you are loved.

I welcome the spring with you, ready for the warmth, the flowers and the next adventure. I can sense changes coming the way flowers know it’s time to bloom. I am ready to flourish.

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Love,
Nora