Tag Archives: decisions

A Constant Test

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Dear Nora,

My last letter was so long, I am going to try and be a little more brief this time. No guarantees though… but first—tell me all the things! What’s the latest on your processes? How is your work on resistance going (good resistance vs bad)? Any updates on grad school and moving? Any changes on things with Cory or Abby? How are the sexcapades? How is your self-care going? 

My forever alone update: I have been working hard on all of my aspirations for the year. I am learning to play the ukulele and I love it! I am reading lots of books, and seeking out the stories of others. I am cooking all the things, and often improvising or combining recipes…etc. I am doing some healthier activities and habits for my body and it feels good. I am taking myself on dates and to fun concerts, and branching out to meet new people. Of course I have many things still to do, but my process feels good.

Treat yo self! Got myself new glasses and a giant carrot onesie from Hannah Hart… because… why not?

It feels good. Minus one part. NORA, WHY. Why must sex be this constant nagging little reminder in my brain all the time. “Pst, Ruth… hey… remember me?”. It is insistent. It is loud. I am two weeks away from my solid 3 month goal. And I am proud of me. Some days are just fine, but I’ve come to realize more than ever, that my body and its sexual needs are just a part of who I am and part of being human. I worry a little if something is wrong with me…

But then I remember biology and that I am a 30-year-old woman with a fairly strong sex drive in the height of what my body believes are my time-to-get-pregnant years.

Long story short, I need it and I miss it. Not just actual sex, I miss just physical intimacy… being held, being kissed, having my neck messaged… Yes, I can live without it. I am fine. But not having sex just makes it take up a disproportional part of my thoughts. And apparently a disproportional part of this letter!

Ok, moving on…

Me and Magpie showing off our black and white outfits and lookin cute.

Wait.. never mind, I need to talk about it just a little bit more. Ok, so, I’ve figured out, if I’m going to wait another 3 months before considering dating (which is my intention)… I’m going to need more than just a new fancy dildo. I need a hookup buddy. Like, someone I have no interest in dating, but feel safe and comfortable with and attracted to. Who is in a similar situation to me. I have been mulling over where this unicorn could come from. I think my takeaway from last summer is that occasionally, with the right person, I can have sex without a bunch of emotional complications. I have no fucking clue how I’d broach that subject with someone. “Hey girl, you seem chill and I’m attracted to you and looking for a no-strings-attached sex buddy. You wanna? LMK, tnx. *hugs*” Help me Nora. How do I do this? Do I just need to place a craiglist ad or something? Or is this a dumb idea? Do I just need to deal and wait until I find the next girl I’m gonna date?

That sounds disastrous because I think I’m waaaaaaay more likely to jump into the wrong relationship if I’m on major sex withdrawal….

On the friend side of things, progress with me and Elise has been really positive and no worries about re-sparking anything there. I got to hang with her girlfriend for the first time the other day (remember the one she started dating a month after we broke up?) and I like her a lot. Elise and I are opposites in more ways than we are similar, so I think we’re still figuring out what a healthy and functioning friendship means. But it’s felt like a good thing so far. We are taking it slowly. 

Lily and I are still in a weird zone of not sure how to act around each other. She usually cries when she sees me, and I just feel kinda blah and tell her time will heal this, and don’t really know what else to say. She says all of her romantic feelings are gone, but she still feels jealous thinking about me moving on. So… I think there’s still more to work out there. I, on the other hand, just feel kind of annoyed, and bad for her and occasionally guilty—but also—not really. This is just life. I know my intentions were good, and I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but it is what it is. Am I a cold bitch? I don’t know what I expected in terms of timeline. But I am ready to just be friends. She wants to be ready, but is not.

Hannah. Hannah is a whole other story. Being single again has allowed me to spend quite a bit of time getting to know her. The more I know, the more I like her. I feel a really great kind of bond with her. She is really intelligent and goofy and has just an all-around great disposition and we have fun together and I am myself around her and excited to see her. Last summer when we briefly dated, we had good chemistry, and that has been haunting me lately. Here is someone, available, who I like very much as a person, who I already know is an excellent kisser… but I quickly had to rule out “friends with benefits” because she’s just as bad as I am at not getting emotionally hooked when there’s a physical connection happening. Case closed, right? But then… she told me the other night she has developed some substantial feelings for me. Noooooooooooo. Nora, why???? Why can’t I just have a friend without it leading to more? After she told me about her feelings, I let out a scream of frustration in my car because I was so excited about her and I don’t want to lose her. To make matters worse, I think I am feeling something too. But I don’t trust my feelings. And more importantly, IT DOES NOT MATTER. Because I am not deviating from my plan. 

How easy it would be to fall into that. Far too easy. In a heartbeat, I could be cuddled up next her and deep into it again.

Why do I have this inner resistance to maintaining my single status? Am i sabotaging myself? Or am I resisting being with her because there is something there and I’m afraid of it? Afraid of repeating what happened with Lily? How do I know what resistance is healthy? I don’t have a strong gut feeling that “yes, this is it”, but I also don’t have a feeling of “definitely not”. I instead feel this pull towards her with no explanation of why, but it feels like a special connection, a kinship of sorts. And maybe it’s just a long-term friendship type of bond. But with the attraction to her, and with my sex withdrawals—my brain is fuzzy. I’ve been trying to look past that and just focus deliberately on just getting to know her and feel out why we feel drawn to each other without jumping to conclusions like I did with Lily and breaking promises to myself. Send me all your good energy Nora, I think I’m gonna need some outside strength. I’m praying that somehow her feelings for me just go away and we stop being attracted to each other. But I don’t know how to silence the part of me is saying “what if…? Dating her would be so different for me than anyone I’ve dated…. Maybe different is good, maybe different is right…” I think the best way that I can describe it is I feel fond of her and intrigued by her. 

I really appreciated what you shared about internal resistance (i.e. working against yourself vs. protecting yourself), and I’ve been thinking on that quite a bit. I watched the video and I think there is a lot of truth there.

The issue, like you said, is knowing the difference.

Lately I’ve been feeling a tangle of resistance and I can’t sort it out. My body is being so loud and annoying, and my heart and mind are bickering and I don’t feel at peace within myself. What do I need to do? Isolate myself from humanity? Not hang out around any lesbians? Why does this keep happening? Thank GOD for Penny. Penny is my best friend in Portland, and she and I have never struggled with any other layers of anything. It’s been a pure friendship without confusion for both of us—what a miracle! I’ve known her for two years, and become closest to her over the past year and I honestly don’t know what I would have done without her. The other day I was telling her all about my situation with Hannah and she gave it to me straight “RUTH, if she was it for you… you would know. And you probably would break your 6 month thing and just go for it. But you’re finding ways to justify how she might be for you. So no matter what happens in the future, you need to proceed with ‘she is not for you RIGHT NOW, and probably never.’”

Hannah says she can have a friendship with me, no problem. That she can prioritize logic over feelings and she is fine and it doesn’t hurt her to do that. And that she wants me in her life, whatever form that takes. I am trying to trust that is true. I told her friendship is all I have to offer her. As for me, in two weeks I need to find a hookup l buddy and get some of my pent-up energy out so my brain can clear and my body can be quiet. And hold fast to my process, as you call it. 

I’m working hard Nora. It’s hard to be forever alone, and also hard to ensure I stay that way. Why must life be a constant test that I feel doomed to fail?

I’d love to hear updates from you. And any advice or tough love you have please send them my way. Thank you for lending a listening ear. I love you Nora!

Resisting, Ruth

Gutted

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Dear Nora,

Thank you for writing, I have missed you. I’m afraid my updates for you are far from the “perfect lesbian life”. I ended things with Lily about a week ago and this week has been one of a heavy heart. It gutted me to end it, but I knew it was the right thing to do. Let me go back and explain.

Everything was moving along swiftly and swimmingly with Lily and I honestly could not ask for a better girlfriend. But a few months in, a pit arose in my stomach and a small voice told me “this isn’t it for you, Ruth”. Per my habit, I told the voice to shut up and continued. There was nothing “wrong” in our relationship! We literally didn’t even fight! It was peaceful and easy and fun–we cooked together and took time apart and did all the adulting things. More than that, I was myself, fully, while being in it. The voice didn’t know what it was talking about.

Lily, Magpie & Me being goofy

But it persisted, and it grew louder. It was my gut speaking up. Eventually I started to listen to it, and after fighting it for a while longer, I gave in to the Truth. I was so happy with Lily. But I was not in love. I didn’t have the deepest kind of feelings I needed to have. I have a huge place for her in my heart, and think the world of her, but I didn’t have the butterflies, the excitement, the hunger and fire I needed to make this a long term relationship. Not everyone needs those things… but I know that I do. I had excitement and hope at the beginning of where I pictured us going, but something was missing for me–I realized as we dated–and I knew I wasn’t going to get there. The realization gave me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Unfortunately when it comes to relationships, the long term ones have to be a unanimous decision made by your body, your heart, your mind, and your gut or else they’ll unravel.

And there seemed to be some divided opinions amongst my body, mind, heart & gut that were unwilling to be swayed. The only right thing to do next was to be honest with Lily and to let her go, so that she can find someone who can be in 100%, the way she deserves. I felt a sense of urgency to end it sooner rather than later, since I was the first person to hold her heart like that–I knew the longer I waited the more damage it could do.

That was some of the most painful news I’ve ever had to deliver. She was so upset Nora. So angry and hurt and betrayed and heartbroken. She felt it was so unfair that I never gave her a chance to weigh in on the decision to end the relationship. She said she should have gotten a chance to fight for it. But I didn’t feel right allowing her to fight for something my gut told me was not mine to keep. It’s so hard to explain to someone that nothing is wrong with them, and that in fact they’re the most wonderful person, but still, you cannot stay.

Trust that the most compassionate thing of all is to release those we don’t love hard enough or true enough or big enough or right. Believe we are all worthy of hard, true, big, right love.

–“Brave Enough”, Cheryl Strayed

I beat myself up for a while for not being able to love her the right way, for not being able to give back to her what she was giving to me, in the long term way she deserved. But then I realized how futile that is, and how unfair to myself. So I reframed my self talk:

“It’s ok Ruth. It’s ok if you can’t give everyone, everything they need. It’s ok that you tried to love her in that way and ultimately couldn’t give her that. It’s ok that you went in thinking it would go a certain way and it went another way. You tried. You gave it your best. It’s ok to love someone and then realize they’re not the one for you. It’s ok to walk away. Be compassionate, be respectful, be kind, be thankful. It’s ok to take care of yourself and do what feels right in your gut. I give you permission to love and not end up with someone. I give you permission to listen to yourself.  It doesn’t make you heartless. It doesn’t make you a quitter. It doesn’t make you a liar. It makes you brave. It makes you honest.”

I don’t regret dating her, even though it caused her pain in the end. I know she will heal. I think we will both be stronger and the love we shared will leave more happy memories than sad ones. I know I learned a lot and I think she did too. She gave me a new kind of hope, that it is possible to be free and myself and not people-please in a relationship. I don’t know why she isn’t mine for sure Nora, but I am trusting it. I am trusting that I will know why some day, and I hope she will too. I am also holding out hope that she will be able to come back into my life as a friend, when she is ready. She wants that, too. We have a special connection, and even though it’s going to be different than what I thought, I think there is still something very much worth saving there.

I watched the visions I had for us and our future go out of focus in my mind. And it was like watching a different life that might have been mine, but wasn’t meant for me. Something else is meant for me and I feel it coming. I feel like there is hard work ahead for me this year, I feel like there is something for me to do, to work on, to become. And I feel like I am supposed to do it on my own, and that I will be alone for a while this time. I feel this calm sense of peace, but also the weight of something coming. It may just be growing pains. Whether I like it or not, I am making room for something bigger in my life.

So much in so little time, already in 2017. What else will this year hold? The current political climate has been like a living nightmare, watching it unfold. It is terrifying. I have been heartened by the outcry of people, by the uprising of so many–joining  together to fight to keep progress in place that has already been hard fought, and to push on ahead. Marching in the women’s march. Going to protests. Calling our representatives. I am going to focus on a few areas this year as well. First and foremost, I have come to realize I can only be an effective advocate and ally if I am truly educated to the experiences of others. And there is no excuse for ignorance. So I’m working to seek out the stories of those who have been oppressed in our country. The list is long, but I think starting by understanding better the lives and experiences of women of color especially will help me be able to better fight for my sisters. I have also felt really compelled to better understand and advocate for climate justice, especially as it effects social justice.

I’ve just been asking myself “How can I amplify the voices of those who are silenced?” “How can I share the stories of those who’s stories have been lost or untold?” The first step is to seek out those stories and hear those voices.

I’ve been really in awe and inspired by some powerful women who have charged ahead through endless obstacles throughout their lifetime, recently I got to hear Janet Mock and Dr. Melba Beals speak. I also finished reading Sisters in Law, about the first women on the Supreme Court and the fight for women’s legal equality–Ruth Bader Ginsberg is my personal hero. It was well timed with the women’s march.

Thank you for my hat!!!

I think you are right to focus on a few core issues. So that is where I am beginning. In addition to women of color and climate + social justice, I also feel called to work on building the bridge over the gap in this country. I know it is a huge gap. But the truth is Nora, I used to stand on the other side–growing up I thought George Bush was God’s gift to the earth and that nothing was more wrong than abortion and homosexuality. I feel ashamed of that now, but I honestly didn’t know any better and that was the “truth” I had been taught. And look where I’ve evolved to! Just a big-ole liberal lesbian living on the West Coast protesting Trump and marching for women’s rights. I know there are others over there who would do better if they knew better. I know there are others like me who can change. Maybe I can help them know better.

I am so excited for you and your SLAY goals this year. If anyone can SLAY, it’s you!! I’m happy to be here to encourage you along the way. I am glad we can encourage each other. With the breakup and the political clusterfuckness of this year so far, I am determined more than ever to be mindful of how I use my time and energy, how I treat myself, and to make the most of this year.

Love, Ruth

P.S. Send good thoughts into the universe for Lily when you think of it. She deserves all the good things this world has to offer.

P.P.S. THANK YOU FOR MY PUSSY HAT AND GAYEST PILLOW EVER. I love them so much. Everyone should buy things from your shop!!!

P.P.P.S. I compiled my list of intentions/things to work on this year too!

Life surprising me, once again

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Dear Nora,

Just when I think I know what’s up, the universe likes to have a good chuckle at me and show me how much I don’t know about life. That’s what’s happened over this past week Nora, and I’ve just had to sit back and laugh and marvel at life’s funny way to twisting the plot. I should have seen this coming, but it caught me by surprise.

You are going to kill me.

I befriended this girl a little while back. Let’s call her Lily. Lily was a friend of a friend and I saw her around occasionally but knew her only in passing. Then, last winter she joined the choir that I’m in, so I started seeing her more regularly. By the time Elise and I broke up in May, we had the beginnings of what seemed to be a promising friendship, and I knew her enough to know she was someone I really wanted in my life.

I decided to make her a friend goal. I felt a strong pull towards her, and I wasn’t quite sure what it was–but I wanted to invest time in getting to know her. Things I did know: I really liked spending time with her, I felt safe and unjudged and ok as-I-am with her, I laughed more with her than almost anyone, I shared things with her that I don’t normally share with people.

Whenever we hung out, it just felt… comfortable and effortless to be around her.

Our friendship began to grow, naturally. She seemed to be just as interested in spending time together as I was. I progressed with my freedom summer of dating and being single, and she was a support and encouragement as I navigated my way. No matter what else was going on, I looked forward to seeing her again. Over the months spent getting to know each other, I had these little thoughts in the back of my mind that I tried to ignore… “I wonder… is there more here?”, “Why do I feel such a strong connection with her?”, “Am I attracted to her as more than a friend?”. I confided in a close friend that I felt like I was developing stronger feelings for Lily, but I wasn’t ready for them yet. I cared so much about her I didn’t want to do anything to squander an opportunity if there was, indeed, a chance that we’d be something. But it only seemed to grow, and it got to the point where I just told myself, “wait. you are going to date her. just not yet.”

And then, “yet” arrived.

We were eating tacos and I was jabbering on about something (have I mentioned I talk more around her than most people? also, that I love trying to make her laugh?) Anyway. And then she said, as though it were just an ordinary thing to say, that she was sorry if this complicated my current dating situation, but she needed to tell me… that she had feelings for me. She said it had been growing for months, and it wasn’t healthy for her to keep holding it in and have it turn into anything negative, left unaddressed. She said she expected nothing in return, and knew where I was at with dating and wanted nothing more than for me to continue with my process. She wanted very much to remain friends, and figured this would just be something she had to “work out”.

It was quite a surreal moment. I sat there a bit stunned, and just suddenly felt that I had already seen this part. Like I had always known somehow that this was going to happen and she and I were just little pieces on the board game of the universe. My heart felt full in that moment. I told her I also had more than just friend feelings, and that I felt the connection too, and had the sense this was something “bigger than me”.

Yes, you might say I’m lost in the sauce. But that implies messiness. This feels like one of the least messy things I’ve done. It feels so right, and I have a sense of peace. She’s something really special. I’ll tell you more about her in upcoming letters. Having the opportunity to get to know her as a friend was so ideal, I couldn’t have planned it this way if I had tried.

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Thoughtful flowers from Lily <3

I am moving forward, intentionally. Knowing how important it is for me (and her!) to keep focusing on my own needs and not giving up who I am for someone else. Not letting my softness become the “worst of me”. And working to focus on things that I know to be true. Seeing her as a real human, not some idealized version I build up in my mind. Being honest with her and myself about where I’m at.

“I choose to love this time, for once, with all my intelligence.”

-Adrienne Rich in Dream of a Common Language

She offered to wait if I needed more time before dating. She asked how she can help make sure I’m taking care of myself. She said the last thing she wants is for me to lose myself in any way. I believe she sees the light in me, Nora, and she wants me to keep shining.

If I told you it’s different this time than it’s ever been, would you believe me? My gut says it is. At least, I think that’s my gut talking. Don’t worry, I am still adequately terrified. But the wave that’s moving me forward is stronger than my fear of starting this. I think if it were anyone but her, I wouldn’t feel ready to start a new relationship. I’m not sure what that means, but I do know I feel safe and known in a way I haven’t in a long time.

I think this is going to be good thing, Nora. Try not to judge me too harshly… I made it to just about 1.5 months out from my 30th birthday!

Naturally I had to end things with Sam once I realized these feelings with Lily were mutual and that it was going somewhere. I knew that continuing with her in any way would most likely end in her getting hurt, since I didn’t see that going anywhere long term. I tried to do it in the kindest way possible.

This whole thing has been a bit surreal, and I’ve had trouble putting it down on the page for you.

I’m going to have to end this letter here, I’ve been traveling quite a bit this week and my train is getting ready to leave. This whole letter is about me, thank you for being a good listener and friend. Let me know how you are doing! I hope you have updates from your canyon on Mars, and that you haven’t been too isolated lately. I think of you often and send out good thoughts to the universe for you.

Feeling all the feels, Ruth

 

A decision every day

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Dear Ruth,

How dare you avoid me?

(This is a real question, really, how did you do it? Sometimes I want to avoid myself)

I do not want to talk about my trip to Colombia on this letter because that is going to be a really long story and it has a sad ending. I rather rant to you about marriage today and leave the immigrant rant for another letter (it’s coming though, I got so much bitching to do)

I want to respond to your question of getting ownership of your feelings and thoughts. I absolutely think you can, but it is not going to be fun. First of all, I am polyamorous. I cannot really relate to the idea of jealousy in romantic relationships. What are you jealous of? What are you worried about? That they’d leave you? That someone prettier would come around? I don’t get it man. I do know about trust in relationships. Relationships are based in decisions. People wake up every day and choose to stay with YOU. You don’t own Elise, she can look at whom she pleases and talk to whom she pleases. She can wake up tomorrow and say: FUCK THE LEASE! I AM OUT! But she has not. And she may never do that. You just have to accept that she chooses you every day and will continue to do so until she wants to. You cannot win her over, you cannot earn love. This is not a competition: you vs all other gayz. This is a partnership.

Whenever you feel jealous, count the days that Elise has chosen you. The times she has gone out of her way to please you, say thank you to the universe for ten things she has done that make you happy. By the time you are done, you won’t remember what you were jealous about.

Trust is not never being jealous. Trust is getting past those fears and insecurities and knowing they’d choose you again.

We are just so different Ruth. Like I cannot comprehend the way you think about marriage as security. My parents are married to this day and it has brought nothing but unhappiness to each other and their children. A lease, a marriage contract, paper and more paper. I can relate to the thought of “I choose this person to be my closest of kin” , this makes sense to me. The way you list an emergency contact on forms and applications. You have someone. In this sense, I get your idea of marriage. You have someone, undoubtedly. It is the certainty that they have your best interest and your happiness in mind.

But this statement I have a problem with “This person is my anchor. This person is my home”

It mostly has to do with my growing up without a family or an anchor or a “home”; feeling still like home is a foreign concept that may never make sense to me. When I broke up with my ex, I went through a whole process of re-accepting this “homelessness”. And I came across this poem:

you can’t make homes out of human beings

home warsan shire3_900someone should have already told you that

and if he wants to leave

then let him leave

you are terrifying

and strange and beautiful

something not everyone knows how to love.

By Warsan Shire (here’s the whole poem)

So what happens if the anchor lifts? You drift. What happens if you want to navigate away from port? The anchor holds you back. I am not okay with this. I am the captain of my soul (also a poem).  I have had too many “homes” to believe that they would last more than five years. I promise, I am not cynical. I am actually very romantic. But as a friend, I want you to go into this thinking:

a new contract every day, a decision every day.

Trace and I are coming onto a one year anniversary of our very first date. I have never been with anyone so different to myself. Half the time, I am almost certain they would leave. And I am surprisingly okay with it. They have been consistently around for the last five months and have made me very happy. We have had conversations about moving in together and marriage and such. We agreed to seriously revisit the concept when we have been together for a year.

I am doing better in terms of stress (or trying) the game plan was to reduce the number of commitments I currently have and make alone time to recharge and1461865314292 recover. It has worked well so far. I had a very abusive roommate (he’s a little psycho though, like not all there) who harassed me on text every day and yelled at my guests and threatened to have me evicted (after I gave moving notice). It was making me feel very unsafe, called 911 several times. This was definitely not helping my stress levels. But now I have moved and I am pleased
with my apartment, I have more space and more privacy and no harassment whatsoever. My biggest problem is Toby pooping in the house, but currently working on that. 

I am also making a fairy garden in the small yard we have in the back. Its going to be so beautiful. I will send pictures when it’s done.

I cut my hair recently, what do you think?

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Thank you for putting up with my weirdness. I will write to you again about Colombia, and privilege and goals and being an immigrant. It’s on my mind right now but too stormy to make a decent post out of it.

Love,

Nora

PS. Yorkies are perfect. Great for allergies, small and well behaved. I approve.