Category Archives: From Nora to Ruth

How one thing leads to the other

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Dear Ruth, 

As I went through my to do list for the week, I saw your name sitting on the lines since Monday waiting to be crossed off. I went to the dentist and then the pharmacy. Walked around in circles, burning time and in the mean time, listening to a podcast. Inevitably, the distraction I chose to forget about you, brought me back to you as Lidia Yuknavitch was in an episode I was listening to.

She was talking about failure, about “all the times [she’s] had to reinvent a self from the ruins of [her] choices”  and how we have the ability to reinvent ourselves endlessly. You can hear the whole thing here. This was so well timed. I officially withdrew from my graduate program yesterday. I am a drop out and about to reinvent myself.

First of all: how do you like my 30-year-old-crisis haircut? Hamsters included.

The short version is that my grades were unsatisfactory and I would not be able to continue in the program. I was offered a different program but rejected it and preferred to withdraw. This was my last attempt at becoming a doctor and I failed terribly. I am both mortified and relieved. I feel empty but also free.

I have been in a bubble of fear for the last few weeks, trying to figure out what’s next and build up from the ruins; but I was going the whole wrong way about it. However lately, I have been going on walks, I am walker. It helps me think.

On a walk

When I start walking the questions rain on me from all directions: what am I gonna do now? should I be a nurse, a teacher or a social worker? should I get in tech, sex work, writing? should I stay in Philly or go somewhere else? should i get a full time job or two part times? what am I doing tomorrow? As I walk they fall into piles, like dirty laundry I am able to sort them out. Darks, lights, heavy questions. I don’t actually answer any of them, the answers never come but  it does not matter because the questions disappear as soon as they lose their power.

I am okay with the uncertainty in a way I have never been. I can see how it is good to be alone. It would be too much pressure if I had a partner to support or a child for example, even a dog. Me alone I can deal with. I am looking for work and spending some time learning to code online. I am going to make time to read actual books. I am always listening to an audiobook or a podcast but I miss the feel of the pages, and the smell. I am also making community.

The Queer community in Philly is very active. I have been to a couple of events. All sort of things from sex party to sober brunch to crafting. I have been on a few dates and made some friends. There are a good number of Queer and Trans People of Color in Philadlephia. The scene is great and I like that there are lots of sober spaces. For a long time the gay community has been associated with bars and clubs but we are moving towards more inclusive settings. Having sober spaces means youth, sober people and anyone who does not drink can participate.

I am not sure where this year will take me professionally and I am okay with that. More than okay, I am excited. Since I was so focused on medicine, I did not explore anything else in depth. I am excited to see what is out there and all the things  that I can do. I just ordered the book “Outrageous Openness” because that is exactly what I feel.

Some of my more personal projects include:

  • keep studying A Course in Miracles
  • write more
  • participate in the community
  • join a church or an organization
  • get better at tarot
  • get a profitable side gig
  • get over the fear of driving
  • go on a solo trip
  • go on a group trip

    “I need coffee” Fairy porcelain I recently acquired.

I was really happy to hear about you and Jessie (and Magpie). You sound so in love with her and it is fascinating to see. I liked the gift you made her, so cute! (so gay!). I am glad she brought you to the coffee side because there is nothing else to live for than coffee.

I am ready to see you go through your writing class: please tell me everything about this. What do you hope to get out of it? what do you want to write about?

Thank you for being a great friend and returning to me!

Love, 

Nora 

P.S. Song of the year for me: I rise up by Andra Day 

 

I don’t always procrastinate, but when I do I write to you

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Dear Ruth, 

 

 

I am answering my last letter since you seem to be too busy lesbianing to write to me…but that’s fine because it makes me realize how much I miss you and forces me to write to you. I had fun in my trip to Woodstock, NY.  Small town vibes, I dig it. 

 

 

First of all, I will have you know. that I am using this blog as coping mechanism/procrastination tool because I cannot study. This weekend has been a lot of wasted time because depression and anxiety are having a party in my brain. I am fighting it as best I can but I had a really rough week that felt like a hurricane and now I am picking up the pieces. 

I had three exams. I did not do well. I also did not fail, but I am disappointed because I put in SO MUCH WORK. This program is breaking me in ways that I did not expect and that has made me doubt the legitimacy of my goals. I often ask myself how badly I need to be a doctor and why. This is extremely hard and if I do not succeed in this program, that probably means I don’t have the academic stamina to be a doctor and that idea scares. I am sure I can find something else to do with my life, but I have such a fear of failure. 

I realized last night as I lay in the dark, unable to sleep, running on anxiety that I am trying to overachieve because I want to make my pain count. I want to do something so big that it makes up for the amounts of loneliness and suffering I have experienced. I left my family really early in life and I have missed out so much of the human experience that I want to make up for it with a career. This wound never heals and nothing I do or stop doing makes the loneliness better. 

Medicine is not a career you can do for the wrong reasons. So this is my tester. I need to divorce my emotional shortcomings from my career plans and approach them separately and directly. I do not know why it took me so long to realize this but better late than never. 

I have 4 exams coming up together and I am behind in material because I have mostly watched Netflix and cried. (The Gaga movie had me bawling). Also, I miss Toby a lot. 

As you can conclude from my rant above, your care package came in SO HANDY. I have actually made the tea into Ice Tea and it is the bomb. The light catcher is on my window and it’s the best thing to look at in the morning when I don’t want to get out of bed. You are the bestest and I am so lucky to have you.  

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let me give you a short update on the Queer Philly: I am starting to like it. I decided to give that queer couple who stood me up a second chance and they have made the best of it. Their names are L & M. M is supper femme and L is gender-queer. They have given me a lot of attention and I am enjoying dating them a lot. I am getting a little scared because, naturally, I am starting to develop feelings for them. It’s such a strange experience to have these emotions grow simultaneously for two people. I almost do not know what to do. 

I am being careful, however. I am keeping taps on my heart and making sure I go slow. I am open to falling in love if and only if the other person expresses that they want that also.

I am not going there alone again. HELLS TO THE NO. 

Being 30 makes me feel really empowered. I no longer feel like I am figuring it out, I now know things. I trust myself so much more and regardless what depression and anxiety have to say, I am genuinely happy where I am in live. I built this whole new life in a whole new city by myself and for myself, in a matter of months.The only thing I really wish I could change was Toby leaving, but that is not anyone’s fault. 

I want to hear all about you. I want to hear about Jessie and being in love again, at this age, with this person. I was reading some love quotes, and I wanted to gift you this one: 

TELL ME EVERYTHING

I love you dearly

Nora 

Writing from the bus

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Dear Ruth,

I write this letter to you as I gaze into the void of the garden state. I am crossing NJ in my way to New York City to meet up with some friends and go upstate to someone’s birthday. I feel slightly guilty about doing, but there’s no guilt-free pleasures anymore. I was trying to watch some lectures bu the wifi is spotty and it annoyed me. I know it has been a long time since I wrote and I am sorry it took me so long. Every break I get it’s mostly spent sleeping, or doing some sort of self care thing in order to stay sane. This school thing is really hard.

Let me begin by addressing the biggest hardest change, rather briefly: Toby died. He died on August 8th, 2017. I have so much to say about grief but I will be making a letter to explore just that. I am not quite ready to say anything other than I miss him every day.

The week after Toby died I had my first official graduate school test in biochemistry. I got an F for effort. The second test (yes I am already on round 2 although I’ve been in school for less than two months) I got a B for badass. So that improved. Then I took my first microanatomy test, got another F for effort and to be fair I deserved it. I was so focused on recovering from the biochemistry F that I neglected the other subject and crammed it in like 48 hours. I was so so exhausted I was falling asleep during the test.

I have been reaching levels of exhaustion I had forgotten existed. I have dreams about the material, I am always catching up with something. There’s so much to learn at all times. It’s really overwhelming. I am making sure I take care of myself as much as possible while also doing well in school. It sucks because I really want to excel, I am tired of being average to below average. I want to be at the top of class and I do my best but, really, I don’t know how to. Between Toby’s passing and failing tests I have had a pretty rough start.

The fact that I recovered in biochemistry makes me hopeful since I feel I can re-design my methods to work better the next time around. Medical education, they say, it’s like sipping from a hose. So much is thrown your way and you just try to swallow as much as possible. I need to keep my GPA on the higher end in order to matriculate into medical school next year, so the pressure to succeed is on.

~end rant about school~

Here are some nice pics of Philly, I am loving the place!

The flame in Washington Square is ever burning, the brush with paint drop is my favorite sculpture so far. Then, a random highway somewhere.

On other wordly news, I am very unimpressed with Philadelphia women, and men to be totally honest. I have been on a few dates that lead nowhere and with a people who are mostly fake. I thought I had a good prospect when I met this queer polyamorous couple who are also kinky and seemed very interesting. We went on a few dates and made out, I was so looking forward to having an all girl threesome. But then they stood me up. This was last night, they showed up more than an hour late to a date that one of them planned, picked the time and the place. Like, WHY?!?!?! I know shit happens and I am trying not to be a bitch here, but having TWO people stand you up is double the humiliation. They were super sorry and what not, but I am still not sure I can get past it.

I sat alone in a beer garden, for an hour, just watching hipsters in their natural habitat. I left and my stupid phone decided to die so I couldnt get an uber, I returned to the beer garden and borrowed a charger. They arrived with their sorry ass faces and I was beyond angry. I did not want to make a scene so I just told them I was leaving, they offered a ride and I said no. The end.

I am tired Ruth. School is consuming my life and I wish I had a person, or two or three, to hang out/make out/cuddle/sex with. I do not have the time to actively look for a partner and I really want one. Can it just fall on my lap like yours did? There’s a couple of pretty cute first years in my building, but I would not even know how to flirt, especially since they are so much younger and damn, kids these days.

The state of my love life

On the other hand, I do enjoy being alone (that is until I don’t). I like NOT being in love with anyone. I like feeling in control of my life. I like that my heart feels safe. I have been in love four times, I think. One out of four I think I felt at peace with it. It was with my ex Izzy and I think a big part of it was because she was also in love with me. Other than that, being in love feels as a period of longing and wanting and never getting enough. I have such a bad taste in my mouth from Trace and Cory, they make me not want to go there again. At least, not anytime soon.

I do not mean that I am avoiding or that if the opportunity arises I would not pursue it. I am just not actively chasing butterflies. I am going through a very spoiled phase in which I just ask myself: “is this person here to worship me?” If the answer is NO, they can go. I want to be pursued, I want to be chased after, I want someone who is eager to see me and touch me.

Maybe this crazy mindsets of mine is why I am single at 30. However, I do not mind it terribly. I am single by choice and I firmly stand by the decisions that have led me here. Even the mistakes seemed like a good idea at the time.

Two days ago, after the last exam I read the tarot for myself. I asked about my love life, which I never do because I honestly don’t wanna know. The future showed a person. This was unique I don’t really get people cards. They are a very safe person, someone reliable although slightly boring. I wonder who it is, and if I’ll go for it once they arrive.

Now on to you Ruth, WTF is this: “Do you think there are things that are parts of us that exist outside of time and place and know better than our present selves?” I secretly hope you were experimenting with acid, in which case, it makes sense.

I am really happy you met Jessie and that you two are so disgustingly into each other. It’s a bit refreshing knowing that we can still at this age and after all the heartbreak, reach the bright intensity that only love can give. I am glad you are going all in, because really what else is there to do?

If two people are in the clouds, the best choice seems to be to ride that cloud and see where it takes you. It may run out steam and crash at some point OR it can go to neverland, and narnia, and maybe even The Shire. It’s most definitely fucking worth it so enjoy it Ruth. Enjoy the time you have with Jessie and the love that is growing.

You deserve it.

This is getting kinda long and I am almost at my destination.

I’ve missed writing to you.

I also want to write to Janet and talk a little bit about my own coming out story, but I guess that’ll have to wait until the next bus ride.

I love you dearly.

Nora
PS: I am on a tablet with public wifi. I hope this thing is formatting correctly. 

Cogela Suave

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Dear Ruth, 

You can not make this shit up. Two letters ago the world was ending and now it’s all explosive love and intergalactic rainbows? SOUNDS LIKE YOU!!!! 

I am not going to spoil this for you with my cynicism because TBH, it’s not worth it. You sound excited and all happy. But what I like the most is that you sound sure. See? the last few times I do not think you were ever this sure. Like cookie baking possessed by aliens sure.  Your gut -who I intensely hate- has not come up to whisper things in your ear. 

This is you in your past break ups:

Also tell me about the sex, is it fireworks? or more like fireflies? 

In other wordly news, I took the quiz you sent and got a 77. I guess it has sucked 77% of the time? Maybe I am too hard on myself. 

I am on a small break this weekend, in between summer and fall session. It’s only a few days but it feels nice to come up for air. Tobias had a bad weekend last weekend and I was ready to pull the plug. I made the “appointment” to have him euthanized today but I could not go through with it. I always say I am the kind of person that can easily let go of people because I accept that they are temporary. 

I am definitely not that person right now. I wish Toby could speak and tell me he’s in pain, or annoyed or tired. I just want to be 100% sure that I will know when is time. I thought it was but I just could not. Fail euthanasia attempt :/ I got some more meds to try to help his breathing, which is the current issue. Let’s see what happens. 

Sometimes I also wish he’d just die on his own. Is that selfish? Like why do I have to make this choice? I don’t wanna. It hurts too much. 

But the universe, She got my back. 

I walked out of  my failed vet appointment feeling all sorts of way, with my cancer patient still in tow. And I found a little bird. A little ordinary city bird, reminded me a little of Birdie Sanders. He could not fly. Or walk. Something was broken, seems like half of his body was semi paralyzed but there was no sign of damage or any blood. 

I picked it up, examined it, Tried to find the cause of the pain. Was it a broken leg? a broken wing? both? I could not figure it out. I debated for good 10 minutes what to with it. I considered nursing it back to life but not knowing what was wrong I really would not know what to do. I wondered if there was somewhere I could take him, and then it occurred to me that maybe it was his time. I don’t know how old this bird is, it could be really old and just…ready. It crossed my mind to put him out of his misery before a cat find him on the ground and eats him. 

As expected, I could not do it. I could so easily break this creature’s neck and he won’t have to struggle anymore or suffer a painful end. Maybe even starve. I could not do it. I just could not. Maybe I don’t have it in me to kill an animal. I am all pro euthanasia, even in humans. But I could not physically do it. 

It hit me that I am being unrealistic with this process with Toby. I have been saying, I will know when is time for sure. I will be certain. I will do what needs to be done..blah blah blah. But here I was unable to make that decision for a street bird who is most likely going to die soon if his wing does not start working. A bird I had just met who, one could say, means nothing to me. 

I took pictures because i knew this story would be so fantastical to hear:

I am back at zero. Not knowing right from wrong. Just loving my furry son for as long as I can. 

 

Nothing new in my dating life. Have not made friends in school yet. One girl seems promising. I tried going out with my classmates this week after finals, but I got there and got drunk too quick and had to leave. I am such a social fail. It’s hard for nerds, you know. 

 

 

I hope the torch of love burning in your chest keeps your path lighted. 

I saw you got a letter from a reader and cannot wait to see your reply. 

Please take it easy with this girl, that’s the tile of this letter by the way: Cogela Sueva. Or if you wanna try the Spaniglish version it goes “Cogela con takeiteasy”. 

Love,

Nora

PS. The tarot does not take YES/NO questions. Think of something open ended.

 

New chapter, new city, new decade, new prospects

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Dear Ruth, 

Oh the sweet taste of revenge!!! 

JK I promise it was not on purpose I have been oscillating like a pendulum with so much shit going on. Whenever there’s a free day I literally sleep through it. Last I wrote to you I was in California packing. SO MUCH has happened and I will try to make this letter as short as possible without neglecting anything. 

I moved to NYC on May 16, put 5 suitcases in a plane and got my dog on board. He’s good on planes. I stayed with a friend for two weeks, then moved to another friend for what was supposed to be two months. However, I was accepted into an accelerated masters program in Drexel (I have to complete 15 months of studying and if I have the grades I am immediately accepted to their med school). I am happy with it because it’s the closest to getting into medical school I could possibly get. I just have to work really hard this year. I moved to Philadelphia on June 14 and started my program June 19. You can imagine the chaos. 

Adventures in NYC: left top- a whale saying hello, right top-longest ever pool game since none of us could play, left down- Figment Arts Festival in NYC, right down- me reading tarot for my friends

  

 

While I was in NYC, for around a month, I saw Cory once. It was a friendly hangout and there was nothing romantic to it. We could both tell that there were some lingering feelings there but neither of us was interested in pursuing them. She has a monogamous girlfriend and I have no interest in her at all. Fast forward a month when I am already in Philly, Cory says she cannot talk to me anymore because it makes her girlfriend jealous or some monogamous shit . We have not spoken since and I hope I never see her face again in my entire life because I have wasted enough of myself in this person.

NEXT. 

I did not see Abby. We texted, I sent her a postcard. She occasionally still texts me and I do her, but it’ll never be the same. I wish I could somehow repay her  for everything she did for me emotionally but I doubt I’ll ever have an opportunity. It is a sad ending to a good story. 

Now, in the polyamorous adventures I must tell you…NYC blessed me with this QUEEN. (Oh may gawddddd I am so infatuated) This story starts the first Friday I was in NYC. It was a warm summer night and I was hanging out with a friend. We matched on OKCupid and started talking. I made it clear I was looking to make out with someone because it had been a long time for me and she was down. We met at a bar and sat under the NYC pollution and kissed all night. She’s smol, has curly hair and blue eyes. Her lips are the magic of the oceans…It was amazing. We kept talking and seeing each other and when I was accepted to my program We had a conversation about trying to talk long distance. She agreed and we are still talking. She came to see me for July 4th and I am supposed to go see her soon. Everything is so easy with her. We speak the same language, we are on the same wavelength on a lot of  things. She also has depression so she GETS it. 

I am also talking to a girl in Philadelphia who has caught my attention. We hung out a couple of times and things are evolving but she’s a lot less expressive than me so it’s going very slowly with her. 

omw to Philly

Now, in terms of adulting I LOVE PHILADELPHIA but it has been extremely hard. First of all, I am not working. For the first time in my life I am not working. I don’t have any savings and living off loans is stressful as fuck. I cannot function without a paycheck and I am losing my mind. I am working on maximizing my financial aid and trying to get private loans for this first year but ohmysweetjesus is this stressful. 

Besides the obvious lack of money, the second challenge has been friends. Most people in my program live in the dorms (for the summer) and they are all bonding while I am up here alone in my apartment. I do have one roommate moving in but not until August. I spend a lot of time alone and I feel really isolated in school. I have two friends in Philly, one I made from Okcupid and one from my school in Brooklyn. Through them I am meeting other people and going to hang out, etc. so I am not friendless. However, ever since I got to America I have struggled to fit in with my peers and starting this program, feeling like the odd one out all the time, has not been good for me at all. 

So between the financial stress and the lack of support system I have been on the edge of depression. I can say that I have fought it really hard and used every coping mechanism I know of in order to stay in charge of my life. It’s exhausting battling with a mental illness that stalks you like a monster looking for an opportunity to come in and ruin your life. I have been in Philadelphia for almost a month now and I can see the fog lifting. The worse is over. I hope that the trend continues so that in the next letter I can focus on happier things. 

 

 

Tobias is alive and kicking. It has been 8 weeks since he was diagnosed and he’s doing okay. he takes his meds every day and we’ve had very few incidents. I can see his energy is not what it used to be but he is okay for now. He absolutely loved the package you sent him. I still have to make the doggie cake though. He seems to like Philadelphia well enough. 

Now about you: WHAT ON EARTH?!?!?!?!?!?! 

First of all, allow me to comment on you comparing your partners to your ex: STAHP IT.

Kay was a DISASTER. Yes it was nice and long and the first love blah blah. But it was also unhealthy, dishonest, disloyal, heartbreaking. I am sure that’s not what you want. If you are using this relationship as the “standard” of what you are looking for, you need to change your standards. Kay was a scratch in the surface of what happiness can feel like. As you said two letters ago, you are not the same.

You are a BETTER you. So you are going to love harder, better, deeper. 

I am glad you dated Hannah and I am sad you two broke up. I cannot say I fully understand what happened here. Was it the same with Lily? (she’s not the one/you are not in love kinda thing). It is hard for me to relate to this “date to mate” concept. Is it like you would only love someone if they can promise you a forever? That is so unfair! What if they have 3 months to live? No love for them. What if they are moving to another country in six months? No love for them. What if they are in a life transition, like I was in Los Angeles? No love for the transient. 

I have always said that after you meet “the one”. you will meet “the next one”. I convinced myself from some stupid teenage fantasy that Cory was the one. And here I am wishing I had never met her.

“The one” is a lie my friend. “The one” does not exist. “The one” was created to keep you unhappy and looking for something. There’s no “one”. You are “the one” in charge of your happiness. 

Think about it, if you meet “the one” does that invalidate every other love story in your life? does that mean all others were not real? What if you meet “the one” and she dies? You don’t find another “one”?. Try to divorce from this notion so you can love freely and unexpectedly. 

I wonder what it is you are looking for and cannot find. I wonder why your gut is such a party pooper. I wonder what role love actually plays in this search of yours. Please tell me. 

Since you asked, I am closing this letter with my 30 year old crisis: I have nothing. That’s it. I don’t have money, accomplishments, partners, kids. I have done nothing with my life. At the same time, I feel like starting my upper education at this point has made it easier to deal with the crisis. I have nothing BUT I am working on it and by the time I am 40, I will have something. The partner part is the hardest because you cannot really plan for that. It happens or it does not. You cannot MAKE it happen, the way you do a job or an education. So I just hope I do find partners to share my life with, but I am not settling for crumbs anymore or eating anyone’s shit. I am a goddess and should be treated as such. 

#30 #istillgotit

 

And to think this time last year I was in love with Cory and mourning trace.

Today I am in love with myself and mourning nobody. So much progress. 

I love you and I miss you too. You are welcome to visit anytime. You are a vital part of my life and I am sorry you cannot find what you are looking for in love. Give magpie a big hug, or not, I don’t think cats like those. 

I will be better at writing since I am better settled now. I start therapy tomorrow and that should help manage the crazy. 

Stay Strong

Love

Nora

PS: I will read tarot for you. Think of a question and when you have it, I’ll draw.

PPS. I finally deleted the email I had saved of the last conversation with Cory when she said all those mean things. It’s gone. I no longer need it. I thought you’d be glad to know.

 

 

 

So much for transitioning smoothly

,

Dear Ruth, 

Guess who decided to get cancer?

Can you belive this mofo? He’s bouncing on me. 

A couple of weeks ago I felt a small lump on his neck. He was not feeling ill at all but the lumps were not going away. I made a vet appointment and had him tested for the origin of the  problem. 

Toby has lymphoma and the prognosis isn’t good. I cannot afford chemotherapy and I would not really put him through just to extend his life for a couple of months. He’s on some palliative medications and he will not be in pain. It should improve his quality of life but not really extend it much. 

They give him three to twelve weeks. I wish I could tell you how devastated I am. 

I sat here yesterday experiencing all five stages of grief, simultaneously. Today, I got busy and forgot for a couple of hours. But the sadness he comes back in waves and returns me to reality. 

I am going to lose my baby. I have to put him to sleep at some point. A part of me, wants to find him dead at some point instead of having to be the one to pull the trigger. 

This is so unfair. He’s only 5 years old. 

My heart is mourning. 

Love, 

Nora

PS. This is us last Sunday reading Spanish poems. He understands me.

You can pass this test!

Dear Ruth,

You are hilarious. I am loving your forever alone update. Your Onesie is amazing and your new glasses make you gayer than gay. Keep taking yourself out to dates, even if taking yourself home it’s not as fun as seducing a hot lady. It seems like the lack of sex is your biggest challenge right now. STAY STRONG GIRL!!! I hope you made your three solid months without sex, but I’d understand if you didn’t, it really is not the end of the world. I think is a great process to learn how much sex means to you and the reasons you need it. I wonder what part it plays in you choosing a partner, or keeping a partner. Like, in past relationships, did you stay for the sex? Was the sex a big part of your decision making? I feel like this is a great time to explore those questions and get to know your sexual self, differentiating it from your emotional self. Those two can be so entangled.

Now, Fuck buddies. Uhmmm I say you go on a dating site, make it clear you are looking for sex, have the STD convo, and BAM, sex. Or you can go on a sex site. I have met people from craigslist (when I first started dating girls, I didn’t know how else to meet them) and is not the same experience. The exchange takes longer and there’s more flakes. Dating apps are different, you have to post pictures, and is easier to spot scammers. Ruth, if  NSA sex is what you need, go and get it!

I am happy you are making friendship progress with your exes. I friendly want to remind you that you don’t HAVE to. Like if it ever gets too hard to be friends with either of them, you can take a step back or make a pause. I just don’t want their friendship to burden you. If Lily is not ready, she’s not ready.

Hannah. My eyes are rolling all the way to Barraquilla and back. Girl, you is playing with fire. You CLEARLY, C-L-E-A-R-L-Y, like this girl. She was on top on your list last summer until Lily came around. You are attracted to her and you want to be around her. Danger zone!!!

You want to know why you find yourself in this situation? Because you put yourself in this situation.

If you are trying to remain single, should you really be sipping wine with cute, smart, sensitive, oh so perfect Hannah? That’s like trying to quit Alcohol and walking into a bar. Listen to your own absurdity “I’m praying that somehow her feelings for me just go away and we stop being attracted to each other.” girl, are you fucking kidding me? Shit dont work like dat. You know this part. Feelings don’t go away on command, they also don’t grow on command. The wolf you feed is the wolf that wins. If you keep feeding this connection with someone, it’ll grow, it’ll never go away.

For example, things with Cory have been improving in that they are dying away. Understanding that she does not feel the way I do, and internalizing that, making it a reality, accepting it as true, has helped me not feed that wolf. I told her I loved her the other day, she said it back but ran away from the conversation. I don’t think she would ever take the steps I want from a partner, whatever has happened between us has been facilitated by me. So I am working on leaving her alone, because once I let her move on, I can move on too. And oh am I ready!!!

I am so ready to find a partner that I was actually considering :::gasps::: monogamy.

It’s just all my (very heteronormative) friends are getting married, I got like three weddings this year and goddamn I want a partner to do romantic corny things with. Ugh. 30 is approaching and it has brought in a huge shift of focus. Prior to this I would have not even thought about “settling down” but I have actually  been flirting with the idea. I think is perfect timing, my witchy side says I am going from maiden to mother, my emotional self knows exactly what she wants. Before this I would always say I only know what I DONT want. But now I can speak in affirmative. I know exactly what I want, and I know she exists.

The triple goddess

Let me tangent a little bit on this: I have been in enough relationships to know which trades are a must, which are optional and which are rotundus no. I feel certain that I will know when I meet her, that she’s a good candidate for a long term relationship. Being in this mindset is a great sign that I am actually moving on from Cory. It started as an exercise on resistance, to distract my mind from her I created an imaginary girlfriend. I got the idea from this poem about an imaginary man heartbroken about an imaginary love. The only real thing is the pain. That’s how I feel with Cory lately. So I made up military chick, who I am mutually in love with, she’s Brunette and half Hispanic because I need them to speak the language. She looks a little bit like Anita Blake. From imaginary girlfriend, I moved into very real dating profile.

Already packing

So to give you an update, I am moving to NYC mid may and from there, at some point in the summer, I am moving to Philadelphia. I am waiting to hear from another program in the same university but I am officially a Drexel Dragon!!! Abby and Cory are aware I am moving, that I am stopping in NYC, and that’ll be less than a mile from Abby but never as far away. I am not sure if I am going to try to see them. I have not explored that enough. I have too much other shit going on. 

 

So I went back on dating site and I change my location to Philadelphia and holy shit the queer poly scene is popping!!! I am slightly ashamed of myself for even considering monogamy, giving up parts of myself because I am lonely. SMH Nora. I am making friends primarily, connecting with other witchy, crafty, natury queers out there. Checking a couple poly people too. It feels good to have prospects of new friendships and connections. It feels good to dream of possibilities. It feels hopeful.

Back to resistance, something that has helped release my feelings for Cory is letting them be. I am going to love this girl for a while, I stopped resisting that. But I no longer feel like I HAVE to be with her. I think I can be happy with someone else. I have allowed both realities to coexist: I love her AND I can be happy with someone else. These are both true.

In your case of resistance with relationships, I think that it’s worth exploring why you decided to not date in the first place. Internal resistance could be healthy if your brain is protecting you from heartbreak. Do you need these six months? Revisit the moment when you made that decision. I disagree with Penny that if Hannah was the one you’d know because, let me remind you, you said you were gonna stay single until 30 and then you broke that commitment to yourself for Lily. And that did not work out. There’s definitely something inside of you resisting aloneness, what is it?

I say stop resisting internally, but don’t give up externally. Accept that you want a relationship and that you want a partner, while also accepting that you won’t have that until _____ (insert month). Don’t resist growth, make more friends, hang out with NEW people instead of old flames, hang out with straight girls, put yourself in situations that won’t make you scream in your car.

End unsolicited advice. Wait, no you did ask.

Keep working on it girl, time is going to pass and soon you would have reached your goal. Think about it his way: if you make it to six months you will be so damn proud of yourself, no relationship would ever give you that kind of feeling. Focus on making yourself (and me) proud.

If it makes you feel any better, I stopped sexcapading and I am parched for sex too. I miss women, oh I miss women. I miss the softness and the hair, the smell of their body.

The struggle is real my love.

Te quiero

Nora

P.S. I finally build up courage to get a tarot deck, and of course it is a fairy deck. I can do a reading for you, any time now. 

 

Of resistance and growth, and being bigger than we thought

, , , ,

Dear Ruth,

First of all: Happy Spring!

These letters are getting so ridiculously long and I fucking love it. This space is such a great guidance for me and a way to document my processes. (I always have a process going on). First I wanted to thank you for repeating all those things I already know back to me. I needed it. I am not able to delete the convo because it serves a purpose at the moment. I am letting go very very very slowly. Cory is ingrained in the depths of my soul in a sick, masochistic way I don’t understand. This is some Edward and Bella shit: fantastical, unrealistic, boderline abusive. I have to give it to Cory she has been very cooperating. I asked for space and she’s given me space. Out of sight, Out of mind.

On an quick update, Abby completely stopped talking to me. She just dumped me out of the blue (maybe she read the last letter?) I am not sure. I am okay with it because of how the relationship was deteriorating. She’s also my only connection with Cory. I had to unfollow her from social media because it upsets me to see her having fun with AJ and Cory. It may be selfish of me but I get major FOMO and jealousy. (why cannot they all be MY friends? The logic answer is because I am not there but lol, tell that to my aching heart.) She came back to say she wanted to have a phone convo to clear the air but that has not happened. Honestly, I’m just hurt she would not address it. I was legit worried something happened to her and then I saw her snap story, she was okay and just avoiding me. I am not sure what is going to happen there but I feel okay with any outcome.

Key and Karina are done. Key has ghosted me because I called him out on some shady shit he was doing. Karina is just going through her break up. I am emotionally alone and loving it. I am sexually involved with someone I am exploring BDSM with but that’s most of a sexcapade than anything else.

On the school front, I got into a program in Philadelphia and now I am second guessing Boston. It’s cheaper and closer to the people I want near. Philly is winning right now. But updates will keep coming. It feels good to have choices even if it’s only for a plan B.

Now I can reply to your letter,

The Loss. I loved that. Becca’s story was so beautiful and I was really moved. I remember how in love you were with your home. I remember living vicariously through your story. I think your energy remained in the space and all that love and devotion is now Becca’s and her wife. You and Kay had a wonderful love story, I personally do not believe in “the one”, but I definitely believe in the “next one”. I am sure the level of intimacy you had with Kay looks unattainable now, but SHE has not come around yet. Stay in your zone and keep growing bigger, She’s out there.

I feel similarly about Izzy. She’s the only person I have been mutually in love with EVER. I have been in love with people and people have been in love with me, but never both. Only with Izzy I had both and sometimes I feel like I wasted “the one chance”. But then I realize I was not happy and I wanted more. I have not had any luck so far but I am hopeful it’ll happen for me. Hopefully with more than one person #polydreams

I am so incredibly proud of you for your first tattoo! And your choir solo! And your writing dreams! You really are in love with yourself, simmer in that feeling and enjoy your love affair with Ruth. She’s amazing. I am in love with her too. Go get Ruth a powerful Rabbit Dildo and have amazing sex with it. Find new places to take yourself to and spend time in with the cat. One you start dating again this whole love affair will dwindle so ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS. Honeymoons are not eternal.

Also points for you for being friends with old flames like Hannah and Elise. Please don’t fuck them though. No sex for what? Three months? You better stay firm on that. Think of it as revirginizing for “the next one”.

Pulled this today.

This letter is so scattered OMG. But I want to end it by sharing something with you. My new process is to learn to identify the different types of resistance. In my spiritual path as a new-age Christian (best label I can come up with), I have gotten a new deck of cards and looking into a third one (this one but not sure if I am ready to go the tarot route). I have been very attentive to life’s synchronicity and I get a lot of guidance from this one witch named Joanna Devoe whose content I love, I listen to her podcast religiously. She made a video about resistance and I am working on that very strongly.

In case, you don’t feel like watching it I’ll summarize it for you. Good Resistance: when your instincts are pushing against the stressor, it’s the universe trying to protect you from the inside out. Bad resistance: when the universe is trying create changes for you that you are not cooperating with, protecting you from the outside in. The challenge is in telling the difference. This has helped a lot with my relationships, Abby and I were growing apart and resisting it, fighting against the universe. I am growing closer to other friends, I needed to stop resisting and just go with the flow of energy that is happening now.

There has also been a lot of resistance in regards to Cory, to doing a masters program, to being single, etc. I am working in placing the resistance and determining if it’s coming from the universe or from me.

I was thinking about this today and there was a sign that sad RESIST in the highway.  Probably related to the political Resistance. But still, the synchronicities are endless.Then I went for tacos this happened:

SLAY sticker on the OPEN sign of my taco place 🙂

I love you very much.

Enjoy the cat life.
Nora

PS. Some pictures from a quick trip to Las Vegas with my roommate who was working there

 

Regression.

, , ,

Dear Ruth,

I do not know how to start this letter so prepare for word vomit. It’ll be an update on all fronts and a little bit scattered.

Firstly, I am with you on the celibacy and non dating. I will personally quote your letter whenever you start with the “I didn’t see this coming but…” and hold you accountable. . If you are really going to stay alone you need to commit to yourself and your process. And heads up, it’s going to suck at times. Being alone is completely new and I am rooting for you but I know that change is not easy. It’s exciting but it’s not easy.

I do not think it is arrogant of you to set those time limits. You are a hot girl who has her shit together. Of course there will be bitches lining up to wife you up. If you were here, I would be on that line too. It’s awesome you are closing shop for renovation setting up boundaries for yourself. But it can get really hard if you meet someone who meets your expectations. I think that is kinda what happened with Lily. You were doing your thing and she came around and you saw a great opportunity for love.

Those moments is when you need to resist and stay strong. Commit to your process and stay firm in your decisions.

I am glad you and Lily seem to be on a good place moving on separate from each other and focusing on personal growth. Of course you miss her. But you have Magpie to cuddle with and she is the only pussy that will never break your heart.

On my end, sighs.

I went to Boston alone and it was my first alone trip ever. I did not know anybody and I was not going to visit anyone. (I did hang out with a friend from NY who just happened to be there. It was unplanned, just destiny). I stayed at a hostel and explored the city alone, my friend picked me up from my interview and we did more exploring. It was a great experience. I loved the place and I cannot wait to live there.

 

The friends I met by destiny

 

I went for an interview for a Master’s Program. Unfortunately, medical school is not happening and I feel like my dreams are dying. I have to do something else with my life and I had a really hard time deciding. I did not want to give up my dream of being a doctor but I am tired of banging on a door that is not opening. Admissions counselors have advised I do a masters of science since the problem is my grades, and that I reapply. But I don’t want to spend more time and money investing in a dream that is giving me nothing but stress and disappointment in myself.

Unfortunately, I am also not ready to give it up.

Slaying my interview

So the compromise I found with myself was to do the masters of science but also do a masters that would leave me more employable, since a MS would not get me any good job I can think of. As of right now, I am going to Boston University to do a masters of science and a masters of mental health, since the mental health one WILL get me a job. Depending on how the science track goes I may or may not re-apply to medical school later.

I am super happy about Boston. But it’s bittersweet. I feel like it’s a constant in my life that I cannot get what I want and must settle for something else. This program is great and the university is amazing, but it’s a plan B. It was not my original idea, I wanted to go to Medical School. I am still processing the failure of the medical school application and I am getting ready for Boston. Looking at summer jobs so I can move early and scholarships because tuition is expensive.

On a personal level things are not pretty. Key and Karina are okay but I think I am ready to be single. Key is being shady and making me not trust him. I am doing a lot of the emotional labor there and I am not sure I want to continue that. Karina is going through a break up so we have been taking some time apart to give her space to end things with her other partner. She may just dump me to go through her process. I am okay with that. I just feel really done right now and especially since I am trying to move soon, I don’t want to lead anyone on. I am in a vulnerable space today so I am not making any moves. I am just updating you on where things are.

Crisis counseling has started and it’s rough but I am enjoying it. Yoga is going well too, the place is super weird and into a lot of healing exercises. It’s less physically intense that I am used to. It;s Korean based yoga, not Indian based so it’s super different.

Cory. Sighs. I have been so well on that end. Very proactive with my healing and keeping my emotions in check. We barely communicate, she sends me memes I respond to them. If there’s ever a conversation it’s initiated by me asking how she’s doing because unfortunately I still care. I have been crying all morning because this week I regressed a lot. It has been a slow downfall since I went to Boston.

I have seen her in every trip I have taken in the last three years. My brain is conditioned to seek for her as soon as I get off the plane. She was very present in my mind while I explored Boston. My moving back east was the condition she had given me to be with me. I have concrete plans to move back east now and my heart is hoping this is the time I have been waiting for. To finally be with her like I have been wanting for the last three years. However, that is not possible and in my five senses I promise you it is not what I want.

I want to be with someone who is ready, who communicates well, who shows affection, who understands my depression. I wanna wake up to I miss you texts and love poems on emails. I want to be with someone who is independent, or has at least faced enough hardships to relate to my struggles with money, not having a family, being an immigrant, etc. I want to be with someone who meets me half way instead of placing conditions that only apply to me (like she made her plans with herself in mind but expects me to make mine thinking of her). I want to be with someone who is not dependent on their mother and/or easily manipulable. I want to be with someone who thinks I am the shit and does crazy things to be with me. Cory is none of the above, she does not think I am worth standing up to her family. Being with me is too hard for someone who has had a relatively easy life surrounded by support and privilege. She may be who I want but she’s not what I want.

I have been chill and celebrating my emotional freedom for the last few months. I can say I have been good since like Christmas. But this week, between making Boston plans, getting my period and having several dreams with her I am in the mud. I have been crying all morning because I am tired Ruth. I am tired of loving her and I am tired of hurting. I am tired of being so obsessed with somebody who does not feel the way I do. She may have been in love with me at some point but that’s not enough for her to want to fight for us.

In december when the whole thing exploded, she said so many painful things and my masochistic ass saved that conversation to remind myself of who she is and how she really feels. Here are a few things from that script: we have no real basis for a relationship, I don’t deserve to be in the picture, she’s doing what she needs to do to get through the next four years (valid:staying away from me so she can have her family’s support to get through school), she wanted me to just listen (when she told me I could not stay with her and she could not see me) but I made it about me (basically she expected me to put my feelings on hold to deal with hers and I refused), I blame my emotional downfalls on other people, and my personal favorite, and I quote: “Honestly if I had a real reason to fight for you besides just loving you I could, But I’m not going to fight for something that just isn’t feasible right now. It’s not me being 22 it’s us having no actual basis for a relationship. Any argument against us being together I can’t argue against. I can’t fight on feeling. I’m too logical and I cave”

Read between the lines: I am not worth it. She says she’s logical I think she’s weak. Someone strong would have fought for me.  I left my last partner because I had feelings for her. I was basically homeless when Izzy kicked me out of the house for lying to her. I have been spending money I don’t have and going out of my way to see her at any given opportunity. But she does not think I am worth fighting for.

I don’t mind this as much as I used to. I think I have accepted that she’s not for me. But I expected acceptance to stop the pain and motherfucker is not gone.

I was good for a couple of months and this week was the absolute hell.I had to constantly stop my brain from making fantasy scenarios in which she grows a pair of balls and comes to find me. I had to re-read the conversation to remind myself she DOES NOT WANT ME. I had to cry in the couch and just accept healing is not over and I have so much work to do. I even made myself vulnerable and borderline pathetic and told her to not contact me because my healing has stunted. She appreciated the honesty since I could have just blocked her ass.

But I am so tired Ruth. I want it over. I want to happily plan for Boston without the cloud of her rejection obscuring the sun of my new beginning.

To make matters worse, I lost Abby. The drama with Cory and and a couple of incidents we had made me take some distance I am not planning on recovering it. She was there for me through a lot of things but she simply is not there for me anymore. I don’t want to make a big deal out of it. I have done this before, demoting someone from best friend to just friend. And it works better than trying to force a level of friendship  that is simply not there. Abby has been taking a very mothering role I don’t appreciate. She addresses me like she knows better and I should listen, she passes judgement. It bothers me a lot because she has not been dating in years but considers herself the authority in the matter. Gave me a whole schpeal about how I am older than Cory and needed to be the better person (after she did all the horrible things she did), sided with Cory, sided with Sandra. I just don’t feel supported by her for many reasons and I have decided to take a step back. She feels the distance but does not want to have a conversation about it. So I think it’s just better if her and Cory stay friends and I simply move away slowly.

So much loss is occurring but I like change. I don’t, however, like pain. I am going back to crying in the couch now and hoping this roadblock in my healing is just that. I pray to God and the Universe that I can go back to smooth sailing and continue towards my new port. I pray I stop hurting.

Please keep me in your prayers and send all the good vibes this way.

I am so grateful to have you and this space to vomit all my woes into. And then flush them.

I love you. Stay happy, stay single.

Nora.

PS: Some seeds do sprout. Some Fairy Garden blessings that make me smile.

 

Another day, another heartbreak.

Dear Ruth:

 

I wanted to start this saying WTF but I am not really all that surprised. And it’s not because I am a dead-inside cynical bitch but because of the things you’ve said about her and because you have not been posting pictures on social media. Something just felt off, maybe it was just our friendship has turned into a telepathic connection. Who knows, but I suspected it.

And it makes me very very very sad. I know you loved her and how special she made you feel. It sounded like she was mature and invested. This could have been a great thing, but here comes life again and plays another trick. I have to give you the kudos though, because you sensed it and you acted. You released her from your relationship into a world in which she can find someone to fall in love with who would fall in love with her. Your words reminded me so much of my break up with Trace last May. You and Trace were in the same situation, but you handled it so much better.

You acted with kindness and compassion and let go of the person you loved so they can find something better. You did not fake it until you made it. You did not hold her emotionally hostage. Trust me, she will forgive you and she will heal. I have forgiven Trace and I have healed (albeit slowly). She is going to hurt for a while, and then she’s going to be okay.

According to Sex and the City, it takes you half the time you dated someone to get over them. And this can be very true or very false. In cases of unrequited love (story of my life), I am more likely to agree with Pablo Neruda when he says: Love is so short, forgetting is so long. She will need time, she will need her process. And you will need yours.

When it comes to love and falling in love, I have a theory: You can plant a seed, but you cannot make it sprout.

You pick the best soil, you fertilize, you water, you play music for it, you put it near a window. But you cannot make the motherfucking seed sprout. I have learned this the hard way by trying (unsuccessfully) to grow basil. You picked a great seed Ruth she was great. You heart is good soil, you did good caring for it, but it did not sprout. It is not your fault, it’s not something you can control.

Why do we fall in love with certain people and not others? I have no fucking idea. I would love to be able to pick and choose who I have deep feelings for. Right now I am running through a list of exes and all I can think of is: DEFINITELY NOT, (if I had been given a choice). 

I don’t know if this comes off the wrong way but :WELCOME BACK TO FOREVER ALONE. I got things to say about this. 

Last week, in the middle of ending things with Sandra (which was very smooth and dramaless), fighting with my friend Abby and drowning in PMS, I found myself in a very dark place. But it was a new dark place, it was not the usual. There was a sadness that I could not place. I am not lonely, I am not depressed. What is it?

It was this: I am not in love. I have been in love with someone for the last five years. Mind you, not necessarily in a relationship and not necessarily happy. I went from being in love with Izzy to being in love with Cory to being in Love with Trace to being in love with Cory to now. My heart is for once at liberty. It is exhilarating and terrifying to not have a person. I don’t have a person to daydream of, or to text romantic messages to, to think of when I am singing Baladas or to picture myself with in 5 years. I am dating and I care about my baes. But I have no intentions of investing emotionally in a long term relationship any time soon.

What is it about being in love that is so appealing? Why do we gravitate so strongly towards the intensity? Are the butterflies even worth it? I wish being in love was not such a big deal Ruth. But it is and that’s why we find ourselves in this position. 

I know that things are hard for you right now and I am sorry that your reality is such. I just want you to know you made the right call and that you will recover. 

 

Stay soft  my friend. There is so much love still to be experienced.

Your friend,

Nora

P.S. I love the poster of your goals. GET THAT TATTOO!!!