Tag Archives: coming out

Bright Path (Letter from Reader)

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Dear Ruth,

Thank you for taking the time to reply so thoroughly, I really appreciate every word that you wrote. I would truly love to hear from other people and look forward to this very much. I need to rewire my brain and allow myself to put into place a future that I have visualised for my whole life. A future that I have not seen modelled by anyone in my life, so would love to hear from others about.

I was clearly very predictable in my personality traits as I deeply appreciated the to do lists and will reply in accordance with them… 😊

Number 1. Self- Love

I would like to start off my reply by saying that I am a bit worried that I came across as miserable in my first letter. I promise that I am a happy person, and fun (I hope!)

It upsets me that self love, or in fact the lack of it, was the over riding theme of my letter. I had not noticed the negative language that I use in my writing about this topic. I’ve gone back and read notebooks and lots of it was from the negative stand point that you identified. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.

I think that this was actually the most powerful thing that you wrote to me as it has already changed my writing.

I have no doubt that this will in turn adapt the way I think and speak about myself, in a more positive light.

You’re right, I’m not comfortable looking myself in the mirror and telling myself those things but I will work on this. Say it until you believe it! I do know that I have lots of good qualities and skills and have written them down as you suggested but that would be rather self indulgent to write those here so I’ll leave those in my journal!

(I take it back actually, your best piece of advice was to buy myself some lovely food, I greatly appreciated that one, as did my stomach!)

Number 2. Pride

That link you added made me laugh through the tears, thank you. It made me think up some wonderfully creative ways to do it, but very boringly I think I’ll have to stick to the original way.

“You and I both know, that’s not going to be you. You are bursting at the seams and you are ready.” This line changed something for me. You didn’t for one second question me and that felt amazing. It is so validating. I wasn’t expecting that. When I wrote to you those weeks ago I knew who I was. Goodness, I can’t even write it! I’ll try again. I knew and know that I am a lesbian. But I have always questioned myself. How could I be gay when I have openly flirted with men (if only out of show). Bizarrely, I spent a lot of time and thought worrying that I had made all of this up for no reason. Have I made myself gay through what I have exposed myself to? Ridiculous I know. And totally untrue. You saying these things helps with this and shows me that I can feel whatever I wish to and that is okay. I can trust myself because you think that I’m ready to (and too). Part two of validation is coming up later…

I know that I need to take a leap into this community. Recently I have been researching groups in the cities nearest to me. There are a couple and I could go. I will go. At some point, I will go. I’m done with putting time restraints on myself so I’m just going to tell myself that at some point, I will go. Your journey with your LGBT choir is one that spoke to me. I love to sing and I actually lead a children’s choir. I am hopeful that this might be a better option for me than groups (going on my own is not overly enticing). Talking to strangers is tricky but singing I can do. I will research this more. I’ve also downloaded OKCupid. Haven’t quite been brave enough to fill out the profile yet but I have ticked the Gay box. However, you are correct, friends are definitely what I need first.

I bought a bracelet that has a compass engraved on it. It’s beautiful and tiny and I haven’t taken it off. Every time I catch a glimpse of it I’m reminded to question myself, which direction am I going in and which direction I want to be going in. Now I just need a signal to everybody else. I am very straight passing, very feminine, so maybe I’ll have to up the anti with my pride symbols as I come out to more and more people to make it REALLY obvious! Of course that was a joke, I am actually looking forward to breaking a few stereotypes, I do not look like how my family for instance visualise a gay woman. Whatever that should look like.

You were correct in your estimation, I have been immersing myself in LGBT literature, poetry, music, podcasts, YouTube videos, films and more. They have been my saving grace. Literature and music are my greatest loves and have offered me such solace. Poetry (particularly slam actually) has been my version of your great Katy Perry suggestion. I listen and learn them and then speak and shout along to them. Feeling every word. (Shouting one of these or listening to music that will out me in my own house is a risk that I am now taking. I bought the house, I should be able to listen to what I like within it. I’ve even allowed myself to have the window open- shock horror!)

Numbers 3 and 4. Support and Prepare for Various Outcomes

Writing has always been a big passion of mine so I really appreciated your tasks that involved putting pen to paper. Words are powerful and healing. They are my creative expression.

One of the many videos that have been my saving grace is Hannah Harts sympathy for being in the closet. One of the lines hit me hard “The closet sucks. It’s not safe. It’s static”. I hadn’t thought of it this way before but I have been paused. Static for over ten years, for what? I will move forward now. I have already made big strides forward with these letters and with what I am about to tell you…

My sister asked me once, years ago, if I was a lesbian. How I long that I hadn’t lied through my teeth. I had the perfect opportunity this week when my sister came to stay with me in the UK. It would have been the perfect time to tell her but I just couldn’t. I visualised how she would be affected by it and how she would have to keep it from our parents as I am not ready to tell them yet and I just couldn’t do it to her. I can see that I have used negative language here (thanks to your guidance) but I am no longer feeling that I have missed my only opportunity. You made me see it is never too late. And anyway, I’m still reeling in success as I have made such a massive step forward.

Your letter was the final push that I needed. I was at breaking point and feeling very alone. The more I have immersed myself in this part of my life, the more I have distanced myself from everyone around me. I am so proud to tell you that I told my best friend last night.

We spoke for most of the night over video chat (she lives abroad also). I was so terrified. I have tried to tell her for many, many, times before. I wasn’t going to let myself down again. I pressed call and there was no turning back. I swore lots, shook lots and even had a sick bag at the ready. Anyway, I told her. And to my astonishment she said that she knew. Here’s the second point of validation.

I felt some relief but mostly just pure joy that she almost justified my feelings.

She knows me so well that she picked up on the language that I was using and on brief passing comments that I have made over the years. After this I went on to spill all of my thoughts, feelings and interests that I’ve been hiding for what feels like a lifetime. She listened, commented and asked questions. It was perfect. Although it did feel very bizarre hearing her talk about my future, imaginary girlfriend. Nice but weird. Then we spent the next few hours gossiping and chatting about the other aspects of our lives. This was the greatest thing that could have happened as it showed me that our relationship is the same as it was.

Nothing bad happened when I told someone. Life actually resumed as it had always been. Magic!

How do I feel now? That’s a question that she asked me and I found hard to answer. I didn’t feel the instant relief when I said the words but I woke up with a smile this morning. I adored just talking about the thoughts that I have been keeping in my head. I took her back years to different times when I had tried to tell her. I felt like I was being honest for the first time in a very, very long time. I have achieved something huge that I wasn’t sure that I could do and it feels great. And the world didn’t end. In fact, it became lighter.

I wrote out a table as you suggested and as you probably predicted there were many negative or merely stagnant outcomes on the ‘What Will Happen If I Never Come Out’ side. The hardest one for me being the prospect of not having children. Or not sharing the experience of raising a child with someone else. On the ‘What Will Happen If I Come Out’ side there were some negatives too, I wrote out worst case outcomes. However, mostly, they were positive and there were twice as many points than the other. When it came down to it I would still be safe even if the worst happened. And anything other than this wouldn’t matter in the long term. I could say the things that I have been thinking but editing out. I could be free. As I thought about my best friend I wrote “My best friend will love me anyway” and I was right. That has done wonders for my confidence for trying again.

So, there is something that I didn’t mention in my first letter but you wrote about in your response. Religion. Unlike your family, my family are not religious. However, my individual sense of faith has always been very strong. The way your father responded is kind of how I have been responding to myself for many years. And although I have now accepted myself and my sexuality I still feel a draw to Christianity. I went to Church, Sunday school and a Christian School. As a teenager my faith was at its strongest as I explored it further. But, of course, this was also when I started to explore my sexuality. (Ironically with the same girl with whom I was exploring my Religion with). This is where the conflict appeared. I am doing something that is wrong in the eyes of the faith that I feel drawn to and have been taught. Can I be a Christian when living this lifestyle? I suppose that is actually kind of my question. Can religion and homosexuality ever coexist or live alongside each other? How can something that is meant to instil peace actually place on me such fear? Obviously I know that you won’t have the answer to these questions but I would really like to hear other opinions on this matter. However, I also appreciate how personal it is so will understand if you cannot or would prefer not to respond. I also really hope I haven’t offended anyone, that is NOT what I aim to do. Let’s face it, I just don’t really know and am asking for knowledge.

Obviously I still have far to go, I have only told one person and am still no further with the ones that I feel will not be accepting. I sill struggle immensely with how to tell my family and my work colleagues who have seen my flirtations with men. I’m not putting pressure on myself to tell anyone else for now. I have support. I’m going to let it sink in that someone else knows and see where everything goes from there.

There is a long road ahead of me but I can see the light that you were describing. And it’s beautiful.

I would still love to hear from the other people if they are still interested in writing to me. I know that I am no longer sailing alone but we are still only in a two-man canoe and neither or us have ever sailed this sea before.

“You will take a little more power out of the shame each time you tell someone.” This gives me hope. A lot of it. As does the rest of your letter.

Number 5. Know That the Best is Yet to Come

I changed the last assignment slightly (instant Fail grade for me!) and took on the role of my future self and wrote to the present. It forced me to think about what I am doing at this time in my life and where I want to be which was actually really cathartic so thank you.

Dear 26-year-old Jane,

Well done, a big, great, massive well done. Firstly, well done for writing this letter. I know that you put it off, apprehensive as to what your future might actually be. Afraid to dream in case you were never brave enough to make the changes that you needed to. You gave yourself a second chance. You put the colour into your relationships, adding depth. You gave yourself your best life, so thank you.

You can breathe deeper now. You don’t have to hide or change pronouns or conversations. You are lighter and free to do, talk about and what you want to. Your thoughts are yours and back under your control. You don’t have to focus upon just this aspect of your character. There is more to you and it is shining now.

Also, I hate to tell you but actually no one cared about this as much as you did. If you could read this, I would tell you that this is all consuming for you because it is all about you. Other people first care about themselves. You were the news for a few weeks then people moved on, on to their lives. Your way of life did not affect them. It will blow over. The water will settle and you will come up for air in a place familiar but different. A place you knew before but only partially experienced.  

You will still feel. You will feel more than you ever imagined possible. The all consuming thoughts and uneasy emotions will be replaced or resculpted into love. Love for yourself built on foundations of respect and bravery. You will be proud to let others see the light in you and in return you will shine the light on others. Be kind, be forgiving, be appreciative, be spontaneous. Keep fighting and you will move forward. Fumble along the tunnel and find your way out of the shadows.

Love, future Jane

Ruth, I hope I can do this. Here goes the rest of my life…

“You never know what could be coming in the future. There is so much music that you’ve yet to hear.” –Hannah Hart: Buffering.

In the Shadows (Response)

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Dear Jane,

I have been thinking so much about your letter. Not only thinking about it, but talking about it to people in my life. I have a response for you today, but I may have some more responses for you, not just from my perspective–but from the perspectives of some other really amazing women who have gone through what you are going through right now. I think it’s invaluable to hear from others. And also, for you to know how truly not alone you are.

First of all, I want to thank you for writing me. That was so incredibly brave of you to share your story. Thank you for trusting me and Nora with it. Thank you for sharing it, not just with us, but with whoever else finds this.

When we take a risk and are vulnerable with our truest stories…the ones we are afraid to tell, that is when the most beautiful things happen on this earth. That is how we understand we aren’t alone.

My response to your letter is… I have 5 assignments for you. I figured as a teacher you’d appreciate tackling this like a list of to-dos. 😉

1. Tackle Operation Self-Love

The loudest part of your letter, was not about your desire to find love, or your fear about telling your father or godmother. The biggest relationship challenge that you have right now is the one with yourself. She is hurting. You said things like “ashamed” “shutting myself away” “something stopping me” “afraid” “living a life I don’t want”, with judgment against yourself about when you should have known, when you should have come out. You talk about stealing time from yourself, and apologizing to yourself.

Stop. Beating. Yourself. Up. Take a deep breath. Look in the mirror. Tell yourself you love yourself, unconditionally. No matter how gay you are, or how long it takes you to come out, or what else happens moving forward. You’ve got to be your own biggest advocate. She doesn’t need someone to be hard on her–life dishes out plenty of that shit. Forgive yourself for all these things you’re blaming yourself for. Say it out loud! Tell yourself “it is OK that you’ve waited to come out. it is OK that this is scary as hell. it is OK that you’ve felt ashamed and hidden this part of yourself. it is OK, and I forgive you.” Maybe also pay her a nice compliment about her hair or something. My dear, you are a gorgeous human with a huge heart. You are clearly a hard worker, a smartypants and a badass, and a great friend and daughter and teacher. Have compassion for yourself! It’s going to be ok. I’m going to say that multiple times in this letter. But you need to say it to yourself. You are going to get through this, but you’ve got to be there for yourself first. You have to have your own back in this.

When you have these negative thoughts and lies come into your head, things like “it’s too late” or “you’ve missed your chance”, acknowledge that voice and then dismiss it. Replace it with the truth. “I am going to get through this. It’s going to be ok. I’m proud of you and who you are. You are doing your best. I love you. I forgive you.” Having to hold something like this in for so long is so hard and scary. DO NOT give yourself a hard time for that. It’s been hard enough! Change the messages you tell yourself. Treat yourself like you would treat a close friend. No matter what happens with other relationships for the rest of your life, as long as you live you will have a relationship with YOU. Make it a good one.

In addition to the positive self-talk (keep saying it until you start believing it), do things that make you feel proud of yourself. Do things that make you feel like YOU and a badass. Do things that scare the hell out of you. Buy yourself some really good pizza and chocolate.

2. Find your Pride (even if it starts out small)

There is no right or wrong way to come out. Some people do it all at once with a big announcement, some people write it in icing on a cake, some people come out to others one at a time over many years. Anyone LGBTQ has to tackle this one way or another, or else live out their days cramped in a dark closet. You and I both know, that’s not going to be you. You are bursting at the seams and you are ready. The good news is that you are out to yourself! That is HUGE. All those years when I was writing Fish Out of Water I was dating Kay, and the whole time we were together she wasn’t out to others, let alone to herself. As hard as that was on me, it was so much harder on her. You have already done yourself a really big favor by recognizing this truth about yourself and accepting it.

I need you to stop all the judgment about timing of coming out. It is not your fault you are not out yet. I mean, technically you could have told people, but it’s the immense pressure and judgment of the world we live in that has made you feel trapped and unable to share this. Don’t take that blame upon yourself.

Unfortunately we still live in a dumb world where people generally assume everyone is straight. Thus, coming out is a reoccurring need if you are going to be open about who you are with people. The other good news is that the more you come out, the easier it gets. The first person I told was a therapist, when I was doing study abroad in Australia. I sobbed for our entire session as I told her. I was shaking. I used up a whole box of tissues. That was 10 years ago. The most recent person I told was a random co-worker who I don’t know well who asked about my weekend and I mentioned my new love. And when she asked “how did you meet him?” I replied without a second thought, “oh! she and I met through mutual friends.”

Not only do people assume everyone is straight, but unfortunately far too many people seem to still believe everyone should be straight, and that there is something shameful about being anything other than that. This is where Pride comes in. It sounds like you’ve done some seeking out online of queer connections–reading blogs, finding books or shows with positive gay role models. Those things were key for me. The next steps I took after that were to meet people who “get it”. I know you live in a small town. Maybe take yourself on a weekend getaway to a bigger city, somewhere with a gay bar or queer center. Some kind of events or meetups or anything LGBTQ-related. I’m so proud of your for joining tinder! I know that must have been terrifying. I think it could be valuable for you to get outside of your town for a bit and feel a little more free to be yourself. Go somewhere where you are anonymous–where no one knows you as gay or straight or a teacher, or anything about you! (Note: if you do this, just let someone know where you went for the weekend and be safe/check-in.) Put on a favorite outfit that you feel confident in and go dancing. Buy yourself a tiny charm with a rainbow or something and wear it somewhere hidden if you’re not ready for people to see it. But you’ll know it’s there! And it can be the tiniest act of secret rebellion and pride. Start somewhere.

Make an epic gay playlist. Sing “I Kissed a Girl” by yourself in your lovely cottage and scream it and dance.

More than dating right now, I feel like you could use some friends who are LGBTQ. Some apps let you specify friendship. That’s just a thought. It was years before I started finding lesbian friends. But before then I went on OKCupid searching for friends and found some lovely humans who were allies or who identified as queer. I used to just go hang out in the evenings at the only gay bar in my small city, and it felt so good to be around people who got it.

3. Build Support

That leads me to your next assignment. You need some support. It can be just one or two people. But you need to say the words out loud. It will relieve SO much of this pressure that’s building up. It sounds like your sister and best friend are great candidates for this. Think about if this situation was reversed, and they had a big part of themselves they shared with you but weren’t ready to share with the world yet–wouldn’t you be happy they trusted you with this important thing? Wouldn’t you be willing to keep that for a secret if they asked you to? Don’t worry about asking them to keep it a secret, that is a perfectly reasonable thing to ask! And you’re not saying keep it a secret forever, you are eventually going to get all the way out of that closet. Support is essential. It will help you keep up your courage when you start telling others, knowing you have someone on your side. It will help you not feel alone.

Allow those that love you to love all of you. Find one or two people you feel MOST safe with, and trust them with this part of you.

They might also have helpful advice when you decide to move forward in coming out to others, such as your father and godmother.

If not one of them, maybe there is someone not as integrated in your life that could be good to reach out to. When I came out, before I even told my siblings, I reached out to my older gay cousin, who I didn’t necessarily know super well. It was really helpful to have someone who was a little more objective, but still really cared about me, tell me it’s going to be ok.

Also think about finding a therapist. Therapy has been a lifesaver for me. Especially during defining times and big steps. Having an objective, non-judgmental person who has no ulterior motives and no vested interest in the direction of your life is so powerful. Because they literally just want what’s best for you! And can help you guide yourself through this. It would also be invaluable to have someone you’re meeting with before, during, and after coming out. They can provide a good perspective and watch your evolution and growth. They are also bound the secrecy by law! Haha. So you are safe there. Just something to think about!

I cannot describe the immense freedom you will feel telling this truth to someone face to face. You will take the a little more of the power out of the shame each time you tell someone.

4. Prepare for Various Outcomes

Sit down with a sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left side, write “what will happen if I never come out” and make a list of how you think your future will go if things remain as they are. What are you gaining? What are you losing? What do you look forward to? What do you miss out on? What are you excited about, and what do you fear? Take your time and really think it through. Then, on the right side of the page, do the same thing for “what will happen if I come out?” and envision your future in that scenario. Obviously you don’t know what’s going to happen in either case, because we can’t know the future–but take an educated guess.

Essentially it’s a pros and cons list. I’ve made lists like that for so many things in my life. What’s helpful, is it usually shows you where your heart lies, and which direction to move in. Not only that, but you can see it’s going to be ok.

Here’s the truth: you might lose some people when you come out. Or at least, they might not be as close as they were. But you distance yourself in your relationship with YOU as the alternative.

Think through your different outcomes. Think through worst case scenarios. Think of how you will feel. Think through best cases. Think through 20 years from now, what will matter. 5 years from now, what will matter. 6 months from now, what will matter. Think about what you want, in your soul. More than a job or car, what do you really and truly want out of life. Yes a partner, but also, authenticity of being yourself.

A few things will happen when you come out. Some people may be unhappy or hurt, or say hurtful things. Some people may surprise you with much better than expected reactions. Some people may be confused, or scared, or excited. But no matter what, you will be FREE and you will be true to yourself. That freedom is immeasurable. You will find your people, they will be drawn to you living genuinely and being brave. If your family doesn’t stick by you, or if they can’t accept you, and it will break your heart. But you will be ok. Also remember, sometimes these things take time with people, and they come around. Think through the worst cast scenarios and then picture yourself in that moment. Tell yourself, you will be ok. Think through how you will be ok. Have a game plan for taking care of yourself afterwards. Built that support.

When I came out to my father, I braced myself for the worst. He is a religious man, and holds fast to the Bible in the traditional sense. I knew he believed it was a sin. I told him, and he did not take it well. I was shaking, I was terrified. The conversation turned into an argument, and point by point he came at it as a debate that he was going to win. “You’re not gay, it’s just the ‘cool’ thing right now.” “You’re not gay, you just haven’t been able to get a guy yet.” “You’re not gay, I found your old journals once and you had a crush on a boy.” “You’re not gay, this is just a perverted channeling of your sexuality.” “We must have done something wrong for you to turn out this way.” “This is a choice, you are choosing this.” And it went on. And at the end of it, I did ask him, “Dad, would you rather have me be happy, or have me be straight?” and he couldn’t look me in the eye and give me an answer.

But many years have passed now, and we’ve revisited conversations. And I’ve seen him shift in the way he views this. I’ve seen how he’s treated partners I’ve brought home. And I have forgiven him for negative things he said in that moment. And he is so different now. I have NO doubt that if I framed that question again, he would say he wants me to be happy. Not only that, but I believe our relationship today is closer than it’s ever been because I am completely myself with him. My point is, it’s taken time. Prepare for the worst, and even if that is what happens, it’s STILL going to be ok. And it doesn’t even mean that relationship is lost. AT ALL. Even if people like your father and godmother react poorly in the moment, give them time. They love you.

Believe that love will win.

If the alternative is to not tell them, and keep the relationship… what kind of relationship will that be in the end? Each comment, like the one your godmother made, will slowly chip away at what you have. It will create a gulf between you. The more you accept yourself, without giving them a chance to accept you, the bigger the divide will be. And in the end, you will have only a partial relationship remaining.

If they fail you in this way, if they cannot accept you, you will find a way to form a new family. A family who accepts all of you.

I don’t think that’s your future. But even if it is, you’re going to be ok. I know I keep saying that… but it’s true!

5. Know that the Best is Yet to Come

I am going to tell you what someone told me when I was going through a dark time. “This bright path awaits you.” There is a bright path waiting for you, my dear. There is a bigger, fuller life waiting for you. A life that is something you will be proud to own and embrace. A life with a true love, a life where you are fully known by those who love you, and a life where you’ve shed your shame and walk with your head held high.

A life where you are most proud, not of your success or your work, but of your authenticity and bravery.

For your last assignment, I want you to write your future self a letter. Thank her for going through the hard things you will go through, thank her for fighting for your life. Thank her for being brave. Tell her all the things you want for her. Tell her you love her, and that you’re going to put in the work to get to that future.

YOU GOT THIS.

Who on earth told you 20s are the time of your life?? As a 30 year old looking back at that decade, I can tell you that the 20s is just a “work” decade. It’s a decade where you work on yourself. You work on finding your way in the world. And figuring out what you want in life. And who you want around you in life. And learning hard, hard lessons. And fucking up. And finding yourself. I was so relieved to graduate from my 20s! I can tell you 30s is already my favorite decade and I’ve just started it.

The BEST parts of life are still ahead for you, my dear.

Stop with all this nonsense about you having missed the best parts. They are waiting in your future until you’re ready! And it sounds to me like you are ready. You’ve put in a lot of work already in your 20s, and you’ve still got plenty of time. I didn’t come out until 22. I know quite a few strong women who waited until after 26 to come out! And who are now living fulfilling lives being openly gay. These opportunities don’t expire. You deserve all the good things this world has to offer–including a partner and a big love. It’s not too late. It is never too late.

You are not alone. It’s going to be ok.

Sending you love, light and strength across the ocean.

Your friend, Ruth

P.S. Write back with updates anytime! I’m also going to be sending you more things.

In the Shadows (Letter from Reader)

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Dear Ruth,

So, hi, my name is [Jane]. Although for reasons that will become clear in this letter please could you not publish my name if you do anything with this piece. Thank you and sorry. I think I just apologized to myself. I am so ashamed to say how I wish I could say yes publish my name everywhere. Let everyone hear it. But I’m not there yet and that leads me on to why I am writing this letter.

I have a lot of admiration for you. I have been reading your blogs for many years. When I still lived at home and deleted the history on my computer in case they figured out what a “fish out of water” meant. So much of what you have written was echoed in my life.

Yet in the same breath we live such different lives now. I’m 26. I live in a small town in the UK. And I am still burrowed in the closet. Your posts meant so much to me those years ago. You were my outlet and my link to a life and community I longed to be part of but was, and am, shutting myself away from.

I have known that I was gay on some level from about 14. Before this I didn’t even know it was an option otherwise I might have known sooner. This seems late to me. But it’s definitely late now. I’m 26. In your recent blog you described your new love. I know it’s uncouth to say, and I don’t mean this in the way that it’s going to come out, but I am so jealous. That is all I have ever wanted and you described it so perfectly. Like you no longer exist alone but are part of something bigger. Everything is brighter. I have had this only once with a girl, let’s call her Tilly. My very best friend is what we told others and ourselves. Actually we had such a deep connection and it was beautiful and painful.

It changed everything in me, everything about me. I’ve had relationships after this with men. But no feeling ever compared to simply holding her hand.

Sounds ridiculous but it’s true. We don’t speak now, haven’t in a very long time. She was in my life for such a short period of time but look at the impact on me. That should have told me the truth about myself a long time ago.

I am currently on holiday in Milan staying with my sister. As I sit on her balcony looking at the mountains I realize how beautiful life is and how much I want to see as much of it as possible. But something’s stopping me. I don’t want to experience the world alone. That might be the saddest thing I’ve ever written. But it’s my truth. I can do it, I have been doing it. I have a great life, I’m a teacher in the UK. I have bought my own house, a tiny cottage with beams from my dreams. I have my dream car. The most fabulous best friend a girl could ask for. Excellent colleagues (most of them anyway, you can’t have everything! haha) and have recently secured a massive promotion meaning that I am now Senior Management in my school. On the face of it I am successful. My parents are proud of my successes.

But I have failed at the most basic part: being who I am.

I am my job. And within my job I am who I think I should be. This of course means that I have not found a partner. What’s that famous saying ‘you have to love yourself before you can expect others to’. Well here’s the proof.

This holiday has given me a lot of time to think. If I am going to live authentically I am not sure that I have much time left. I am getting older. I know I’m not ancient but I am getting older. Your 20s are meant to be the highlight of your life, yet I am in the shadows. Safe in the dark, afraid of the rainbows. Funny how life works isn’t it.  Part of me knows that what I am doing to myself and what I have been doing to myself for so many years now is not fair. Who is it benefiting? No one. Perhaps my father? But would he really be happy knowing how unhappy I am? I honestly don’t know the answer to that one. Is this the lesser of two evils?

The biggest question I suppose is when is the right time to tell everyone as I think, to be honest, that I have missed it. No one knows. Everyone has assumed I am straight which is 100% my fault as I too have gone along with this. I have not stopped them. I didn’t know how to. I didn’t know if to. Now I see I should have for their perception of me is fixed yet so is who I have known I am for a very very long time. And as much as I have tried to ignore it, it has not gone away. It has built.

It is all I ever think about. Well that, and pizza and chocolate haha. It consumes me. It’s me. Yet it’s hidden. And I am living a life I don’t want or understand, and can’t change.

There are some people in my life that I feel will be totally accepting of me. My sister, my best friend of 10 years. But I don’t think it’s fair for me to tell them and expect them to keep it to themselves as I know others won’t be so welcoming. My mother accepts gay people openly but my father is not so forgiving. He and I are very close. He is the person I call when my kitchen is flooded or when I want to go out to dinner & celebrate a success or drink away a bad day at work. Is it selfish to not tell to preserve our relationship? Or even to take away from my relationship with everyone else as I’m not being myself merely to keep intact this father daughter one. It feels like a double-edged sword again to me. I’ve come to see more and more as I’ve gotten older that life is a balance. I think mine is off kilter.

My father is openly not okay or comfortable with gay people or lives. He has never alluded to violence but it’s the subtle comments that hurt the most when for example I have approached the subject about other people to test the water. It was not well received. My mother and father are still together but should have split up 15 years ago. My mother and I clash, she does not care about either my sister or I so doesn’t actually factor into my decision at all other than she lives with my father. My godmother on the other hand is the person most important in my life. She is the only other person to know everything about me. Everything  but this. She basically brought me up and through all of the terrible teenage disasters she loved me like a daughter. But, I’ve pulled away recently  for she showed me a side to her I would never have predicted. In one moment in our hours long phone calls she changed our relationship forever. She said it made her feel sick when she saw her two gay coworkers kiss. I was on my bed. I remember getting hot. Mumbling.

How do you respond to that when you have so much respect for that person for your whole life but absolutely detest what she has said and feel the absolute opposite.

I wish she could know how much that comment has affected the trajectory of the rest of my life. Back to the risk factor now. How brave am I? Should I tell her in the hope of changing a viewpoint for the better but in doing so risk losing my support, my wonderful godmother?

Goodness I have written so much. This is what happens when you don’t tell anyone, I suppose. When the opportunity comes, it overflows. Really I just would to talk, to discuss the things I care about but no one understands or is interested in. To gain another opinion on what I should do, although in some respects I already know that I have to come out.

I am running out of time to enjoy my life. I am stealing my own time. Perhaps I just need to know someone will be there in the aftermath.

I know no other lesbians. My town is small. I added Tinder recently, bravely ticking ‘only women’ but instantly regretted it when 1 of the 5 local lesbians was a friend of a friend who I am now terrified will out me. I will never be part of this community or have local minded friends if I don’t come out. But of course, like all other LGBT people–how do I do that? What do you wish you had known or done differently when you were going through this? Do you have an opinion? I am open to them all at this point.

Really, I suppose, I’m looking for a conversation. A conversation with a real person. A real person who doesn’t know me but probably knows me better than anyone in my life. Someone who has been through the things that I am afraid to approach.

I am so happy to hear about your new love, how’s it going? While I’m still at this point I may as still live vicariously through others haha. Thank you for what you do and for the opportunity to submit my feelings this way. Sorry for the essay.

Lots of love, Jane

xxx