Tag Archives: politics

Gutted

Dear Nora,

Thank you for writing, I have missed you. I’m afraid my updates for you are far from the “perfect lesbian life”. I ended things with Lily about a week ago and this week has been one of a heavy heart. It gutted me to end it, but I knew it was the right thing to do. Let me go back and explain.

Everything was moving along swiftly and swimmingly with Lily and I honestly could not ask for a better girlfriend. But a few months in, a pit arose in my stomach and a small voice told me “this isn’t it for you, Ruth”. Per my habit, I told the voice to shut up and continued. There was nothing “wrong” in our relationship! We literally didn’t even fight! It was peaceful and easy and fun–we cooked together and took time apart and did all the adulting things. More than that, I was myself, fully, while being in it. The voice didn’t know what it was talking about.

Lily, Magpie & Me being goofy

But it persisted, and it grew louder. It was my gut speaking up. Eventually I started to listen to it, and after fighting it for a while longer, I gave in to the Truth. I was so happy with Lily. But I was not in love. I didn’t have the deepest kind of feelings I needed to have. I have a huge place for her in my heart, and think the world of her, but I didn’t have the butterflies, the excitement, the hunger and fire I needed to make this a long term relationship. Not everyone needs those things… but I know that I do. I had excitement and hope at the beginning of where I pictured us going, but something was missing for me–I realized as we dated–and I knew I wasn’t going to get there. The realization gave me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Unfortunately when it comes to relationships, the long term ones have to be a unanimous decision made by your body, your heart, your mind, and your gut or else they’ll unravel.

And there seemed to be some divided opinions amongst my body, mind, heart & gut that were unwilling to be swayed. The only right thing to do next was to be honest with Lily and to let her go, so that she can find someone who can be in 100%, the way she deserves. I felt a sense of urgency to end it sooner rather than later, since I was the first person to hold her heart like that–I knew the longer I waited the more damage it could do.

That was some of the most painful news I’ve ever had to deliver. She was so upset Nora. So angry and hurt and betrayed and heartbroken. She felt it was so unfair that I never gave her a chance to weigh in on the decision to end the relationship. She said she should have gotten a chance to fight for it. But I didn’t feel right allowing her to fight for something my gut told me was not mine to keep. It’s so hard to explain to someone that nothing is wrong with them, and that in fact they’re the most wonderful person, but still, you cannot stay.

Trust that the most compassionate thing of all is to release those we don’t love hard enough or true enough or big enough or right. Believe we are all worthy of hard, true, big, right love.

–“Brave Enough”, Cheryl Strayed

I beat myself up for a while for not being able to love her the right way, for not being able to give back to her what she was giving to me, in the long term way she deserved. But then I realized how futile that is, and how unfair to myself. So I reframed my self talk:

“It’s ok Ruth. It’s ok if you can’t give everyone, everything they need. It’s ok that you tried to love her in that way and ultimately couldn’t give her that. It’s ok that you went in thinking it would go a certain way and it went another way. You tried. You gave it your best. It’s ok to love someone and then realize they’re not the one for you. It’s ok to walk away. Be compassionate, be respectful, be kind, be thankful. It’s ok to take care of yourself and do what feels right in your gut. I give you permission to love and not end up with someone. I give you permission to listen to yourself.  It doesn’t make you heartless. It doesn’t make you a quitter. It doesn’t make you a liar. It makes you brave. It makes you honest.”

I don’t regret dating her, even though it caused her pain in the end. I know she will heal. I think we will both be stronger and the love we shared will leave more happy memories than sad ones. I know I learned a lot and I think she did too. She gave me a new kind of hope, that it is possible to be free and myself and not people-please in a relationship. I don’t know why she isn’t mine for sure Nora, but I am trusting it. I am trusting that I will know why some day, and I hope she will too. I am also holding out hope that she will be able to come back into my life as a friend, when she is ready. She wants that, too. We have a special connection, and even though it’s going to be different than what I thought, I think there is still something very much worth saving there.

I watched the visions I had for us and our future go out of focus in my mind. And it was like watching a different life that might have been mine, but wasn’t meant for me. Something else is meant for me and I feel it coming. I feel like there is hard work ahead for me this year, I feel like there is something for me to do, to work on, to become. And I feel like I am supposed to do it on my own, and that I will be alone for a while this time. I feel this calm sense of peace, but also the weight of something coming. It may just be growing pains. Whether I like it or not, I am making room for something bigger in my life.

So much in so little time, already in 2017. What else will this year hold? The current political climate has been like a living nightmare, watching it unfold. It is terrifying. I have been heartened by the outcry of people, by the uprising of so many–joining  together to fight to keep progress in place that has already been hard fought, and to push on ahead. Marching in the women’s march. Going to protests. Calling our representatives. I am going to focus on a few areas this year as well. First and foremost, I have come to realize I can only be an effective advocate and ally if I am truly educated to the experiences of others. And there is no excuse for ignorance. So I’m working to seek out the stories of those who have been oppressed in our country. The list is long, but I think starting by understanding better the lives and experiences of women of color especially will help me be able to better fight for my sisters. I have also felt really compelled to better understand and advocate for climate justice, especially as it effects social justice.

I’ve just been asking myself “How can I amplify the voices of those who are silenced?” “How can I share the stories of those who’s stories have been lost or untold?” The first step is to seek out those stories and hear those voices.

I’ve been really in awe and inspired by some powerful women who have charged ahead through endless obstacles throughout their lifetime, recently I got to hear Janet Mock and Dr. Melba Beals speak. I also finished reading Sisters in Law, about the first women on the Supreme Court and the fight for women’s legal equality–Ruth Bader Ginsberg is my personal hero. It was well timed with the women’s march.

Thank you for my hat!!!

I think you are right to focus on a few core issues. So that is where I am beginning. In addition to women of color and climate + social justice, I also feel called to work on building the bridge over the gap in this country. I know it is a huge gap. But the truth is Nora, I used to stand on the other side–growing up I thought George Bush was God’s gift to the earth and that nothing was more wrong than abortion and homosexuality. I feel ashamed of that now, but I honestly didn’t know any better and that was the “truth” I had been taught. And look where I’ve evolved to! Just a big-ole liberal lesbian living on the West Coast protesting Trump and marching for women’s rights. I know there are others over there who would do better if they knew better. I know there are others like me who can change. Maybe I can help them know better.

I am so excited for you and your SLAY goals this year. If anyone can SLAY, it’s you!! I’m happy to be here to encourage you along the way. I am glad we can encourage each other. With the breakup and the political clusterfuckness of this year so far, I am determined more than ever to be mindful of how I use my time and energy, how I treat myself, and to make the most of this year.

Love, Ruth

P.S. Send good thoughts into the universe for Lily when you think of it. She deserves all the good things this world has to offer.

P.P.S. THANK YOU FOR MY PUSSY HAT AND GAYEST PILLOW EVER. I love them so much. Everyone should buy things from your shop!!!

P.P.P.S. I compiled my list of intentions/things to work on this year too!

Beginning a Revolution

Dear Nora,

It’s been too long! A month, in fact, since you have written me and I have been so slow to reply. I’m sorry for that. I hope you have been well. I’m glad at least to follow you on social media and see that you’re alive and doing all the things. How have you been feeling? How are the new meds you’ve started? How is the dog sitting business going? Any nice OKC dates? Any more word from Mars? From Cory in limbo land? So many questions for you!

And so much news for you as well.

I moved! As you know I had been living in Elise & I’s apartment post-breakup and was stretching to pay for it all myself. It was time to get out. I gave my notice that I would not renew the lease as soon as it ended, packed up all my things, and voila! New start!

I know you will kill me when I tell you this. But Lily and I talked it over. Yes, it’s only been 3 months… but we’ve been spending so many nights together, and it just felt silly to pay two separate rent payments in an increasingly expensive city. Nora, it was only logical! She had room in her place for me, so…

Well… you know. Don’t send the army!

Ok… I am only kidding. I had to mess with you just a little—did you believe me? I did in fact move, but to my very own little studio apartment, signed complete with a one-year lease and all of my stuff snuggly settled. It feels so great and I love it and it suits me.

I do not live there alone, but my roommate is only 7 lbs and eats canned food like a little monster and she likes to chase feathery things and climb on top of me when I am stationary. She meows at me in the morning, and purrs when I scoop her up and hold her. First thing I did once I got the new apartment was drive out to the shelter and pick out a cat to take home. It was love at first sight with a black and white cat who I’ve named Magpie. She is my little love, and I intend for her to live until I am at least 50 years old. I cannot put into words how happy it has made my heart to bring her home and have her, knowing I get to keep her and care for her for a very long time. Right now I am sitting in bed and she is laying by my feet, warm little ball of fur contentedly snoozing.

Meeting Magpie at the shelter (L), Magpie in my kitchen (R)

Starting over in my new little apartment, with my new little cat, it’s felt a bit like a parallel to my life 2 years ago. When I just had moved to Portland, set up in my first apartment here with the cats. Before I moved in with Elise. Before I sent the cats to their other homes.

I think about that version of me and I feel as though I’ve changed a lot since I was her.

I feel stronger than her, maybe a tiny bit wiser, or more cynical and cautious. I trust myself more. I know myself better. I love myself more. I’ve started to put down roots in this new place and feel like I’m becoming part of communities here. All of that independent from any relationship.

In November, Lily and I and some other friends went to Boston and for some friends’ wedding, and I also celebrated my 30th birthday there. It was special and memorable and reflective for me. It was also somewhat overshadowed by the heartbreaking news of Trump’s victory a few days before. We stayed up late watching elections that Tuesday night, horrified as hope dwindled painfully over those long hours. At some point it was looking so grim I passed out in bed and awoke the next morning to the worst case scenario. It felt impossible, Nora. But here we are.

A friend of mine who lives in Indiana told me while she was visiting this summer, “Ruth, you don’t get it out here in Portland, you don’t know what a real possibility it is he will win.” And I blew her off. That’s what we all did. We blew it off. We made him into a comical sketch and laughed at his absurdity, and now he’s laughing at all of us. Another friend on the west coast said in disbelief: “I had no idea I lived in such a bubble”. 

There is a sick pit in my stomach thinking about all the power he will have, all the things that felt like progress that could be undone. I’m so discouraged. I can’t imagine feeling all of that, and then in addition feeling afraid for my muslim or immigrant status, or whatever else he may choose to target that he considers “un-American”. 

I’ve also been feeling the need to understand. It’s so tempting to label all of the red in the middle as dumbfuckistan. But that misses the whole point. Laughing at them doesn’t help. Hating them doesn’t help. Demonizing other people has never once helped bridge any gap. There is a gap in this country. And as much it infuriates me that it feels like we’ve taken steps backwards, I know that those 62,979,616 people who voted for Trump are not all idiots, they are not all evil, they are not all racist or homophobic, or anti-the-environment or anti-immigrant. I grew up in Indiana and spent my whole life there around those communities of people.

Life is not black and white. It is a big puddle of gray.

And there are honest, hard-working, kind-hearted people who voted for Trump with good, albeit misguided, intentions–whether or not you can believe it. I disagree with their choice wholeheartedly, but the information they received in their corner of the world helped them believe they were making the right call. I pray to the universe that he does no irreversible damage. I am terrified, and a little in denial. I don’t know what the answer or plan of action is here. But I don’t think it’s rioting in the streets and beating effigies of Trump or bullying those who voted for him. I remember conservative people saying horrible, awful hateful things about Obama when he was elected. It’s hard for me not to shudder when I hear those same things now being said by liberals around me about Trump. Are we no different? We have to be different. We have to look for ways to bridge the fucking gap and understand each other. After all, isn’t that what we’re asking them to try to do? Understand us and care about us? I think it has to go both ways.

Ok, my rant is over! I LOVED what you said: ” I want to be more open I want to advocate and do activism. I wanna fight for Black Lives, women’s rights, reproductive rights, gay rights, accessible healthcare, removal of mental health stigma. The Trump administration is going to be the beginning of my revolution.” I think that’s a really good way to approach this.

If nothing else, this should be our biggest motivator of all time to make shit happen. 

Lily and I are moving right along, three months into our new relationship. I can safely say it is unlike any relationship I’ve ever been in. It doesn’t feel suspenseful or half-assed or entangled or co-dependent or game-ridden or fraught with tension or needy. There’s no element of trying to get the other person to do or say or feel what you want. I’m not saying all of my previous relationship experiences have been bad… but this feels remarkably different and healthy. It feels almost silly now that I had ever settled for less of a good fit than this. She blows me away Nora. I am surprised daily by her kindness and thoughtfulness. I can feel how genuinely she likes me, not because of what I add to her, or change in her, or because of something I do or say or a role I fill, or something I may become. She loves me just as me, not because I offer anything.

Because I’m me, she loves me.

I feel safe with her in a new way. She is unselfish, un-manipulative, sincere and honest. She is so happy for me at my new apartment with Magpie, and doesn’t guilt trip me when I need space or alone time. But is always happy and excited to see me again, and makes me feel like a queen. I am doing my best to be cautiously optimistic and keep my eyes open, and watch my words so that time can do what it does best—boils things down to the truth. But I am hopeful, and I think that is ok. She makes me laugh, and when I don’t feel like laughing she cares to take the time to find out why. I’m playful and unguarded with her in a way that continues to surprise me.

At the wedding in Boston with Lily

We haven’t fought at all yet. Should that worry me? I would say yes if one of us was giving in all the time or being a pushover, but it feels pretty balanced and the not-fighting seems to be a result of just open communication and generally on the same page about most things.

She is definitely a hopeless romantic type, but also with a firm foot in reality. She hasn’t gotten caught up in all the things like I have. She hasn’t actually been in a relationship, have I mentioned that? Some of it has to do with her coming out later in life. I also think it’s because she didn’t seem to feel the need just to be with someone, unless it was someone she felt a really strong connection with. She is pretty content and happy on her own, and spent her 31 years of being single traveling and forming good friendships and getting to know herself well and working at becoming the person she wanted to be, as well as furthering her education and career. I admire and respect her so much for that. I remember my desperate feelings of wanting to find someone, even at age 21. But I can tell she isn’t with me just to be with someone. She’s with me because she would pick me, even if she had dated many people before me. As she should! I am pretty great, after all. I joke with her that she just started with the best first (but I also mean it) and saved herself some trouble. 

I am headed off tomorrow to spend Christmas with her and her family. In Florida… of all places. I’ll try to not wait forever to send more updates. In the meantime, tell me all the things! 

Love, Ruth

P.S. I know I’m being pretty insufferable with this in-love new relationship boring monogamy crap. #sorrynotsorry You know I can’t help it!

P.P.S. Trace, please go away and leave Nora alone.