Tag Archives: relationships

Life’s too damn short

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Dear Nora,

I will happily address your valid (and quite expected) question “WTF?” in a moment. But first, let’s talk about what’s going on with you.

I know you’ve been struggling, but more than anything right now I see you advocating and fighting for yourself in the way that only Nora does and it’s beautiful and I’m proud of you. I was so, so sorry to hear about you and Cory cutting off contact. What I heard in your previous letter before this last one was–you’re still in love with her, but it feels insurmountable–the timing is off, the geography is off, you’re not confident she would be “all in”, even if given the opportunity, and likewise you’re wary of planning your life around her in any way–although you are tempted to. But the result of all this is you feel unhappy, frustrated, distant and constantly missing her, all the while unable to fall out of love with her. Up until now, that is a lot of things outside of your control. And that blows. So then, the part that is within your control is what you ask of her and expect for yourself… Nora you asked for something really reasonable from her that would help you maintain your quality of life equation with her.*

*I have a general theory that every type of relationship either adds to our quality of life, subtracts from it, or has no noticeable impact–romantic relationships should average out to “add” because those are relationships we choose with free will…and why the fuck would we stay in something voluntary that was just subtracting from our quality of life??

You’re not asking her to move. You’re not asking her to make big decisions in her life based on your future plans. You’re not asking to be her girlfriend or be exclusive or even date you. You’re asking for minimum investment, just on a friendship level, from her emotionally. You’re asking to stay connected.  I have no doubt that medical school is a bitch, and makes any form of relationship maintenance a challenge, but if someone is a priority to you, they’re a priority. Period. If she literally cannot give even that much to you (or anyone) at this time… and your heart is hanging in limbo hoping for scraps… I think you are doing the best thing for yourself Nora.

I don’t think that snap you felt was “maybe I am done being open and caring and I am ready to be a bitch” at all. I think those were your instincts of self-protection and self-advocacy kicking in.

You KNOW you deserve someone who is going to be able to give you more than Cory can or will offer you right now. You know it. I know it. Anyone reading this knows it. I know I’ve said this before, but it really is true… sometimes being in love is not enough. And it has nothing to do with her not being a wonderful human being. She seems lovely. But the fact is she is unwilling or unable to offer you what you need from her right now. I know you are devastated. I have no doubt that being in NYC and not seeing her was extremely difficult (I won’t judge you if you caved…). But also, hold on to that pride and empowerment you felt. I hope you were much too distracted with the wonderfulness of being back in that place you love, surrounded by your dear family and friends and having your soul fed, to care.

I loved my postcard — thank you!

I’m playing catch-up on two letters here, so forgive the length! I want to talk about the trust thing you brought up. You say that ever since Trace, you can’t trust anyone. You say you were left hardened by them. Holy shit–that’s a lot of power to give that person!

Trust has been the name of the game for me over the past year. Over the past two years, for that matter. I’ve come to accept that trust is essentially two things: a gut check, and a choice. Trust yourself, Nora. Knowing what I know of you… I have little doubt that you knew what was up with Trace all along. I would bet on it. You’re mad at yourself for falling hard anyway. I would encourage you to be proud that a) your gut knew the truth, and b) you have the ability to fall for someone. Give yourself grace for letting it go on longer than it should have. And DO NOT give Trace that power–the power to harden you and change you in a way you do not want to change.

Healing is work, yes. But also, healing is taking a break. Healing is rest. Healing is new days and nourishment and knitting and Toby and nights filled with new dreams. You decide what parts to take away from your experiences. Yes, there are bruises. But those will heal with time. Focus on the parts you want to take with you.

And sometimes there are almost no parts worth taking and that is ok too.

In the end I think time washes it all back to sea, so just rescue the parts worth bringing along, and release the slimy and stinging creatures back into the ocean of “things that have happened that I choose to no longer have matter”. Trace used you? They failed to love you well, even when you poured out yourself to them? That’s on them. Let them float away into the darkness of the depths of their chosen currents. Love withheld is love wasted–that is cowardly. Love given is never wasted–it is brave. Even if it is not received as it deserves to be received. You loved someone who didn’t deserve what you gave them. Love is not a limited resource Nora. In fact, I think the more we exercise our muscles and learn to love others well, the more we have to give.

Never regret loving someone. You grew your heart in that exercise. They shrank theirs by never letting it fill up with a love of you. You were brave. Loving is always the terrifying and bravest choice.

As you continue to heal and reaffirm your gut instincts, and choose eventually to follow love again, trust will sprout up again too. Love can’t thrive without trust growing alongside it.

Ok, so while we’re on the topic of love being terrifying and following our instincts… here’s an update on me and Lily.

By every calculation I should feel extremely hesitant going into this. But the strangest part of it all (even as I say “what the fuck” to myself), is how not strange it feels. It is such a balance of excitement and peace. Somehow both new and yet familiar as home.

I feel so much myself, my best self with her. I don’t feel like any parts of me are hidden or pinched or shoved aside or shut down. I’m not trying to put on any pretenses. It feels so good! I didn’t know a relationship could fit me so well. It’s like trying on an outfit in the fitting room and just being like “damn girl”… I like how I look in this. How I look to myself.

The importance of that is, I’m not losing myself. I still see me, I still hear my own voice. I am continuing to go to therapy. I am continuing to seek balance in how I take time for myself vs. how I spend it on others. Those things won’t stop being my tasks any time soon. I still want a cat. I’m still paying off my debt. Life in general is pretty much as it was, only now she’s around for it too. Quality of life–elevated! My primary relationship is with ME. I’m not seeking anyone to fill my gaps–I fill them myself. Yes, she complements me in some ways (thank god for her sense of direction–I have none), but ultimately I am just happy to have someone I can be my whole self around, who isn’t threatened by me loving myself and being content with myself. Not only that, but she appreciates and loves that about me!

I believe she is quite a rare find Nora. She is humble and compassionate, honest and brave. She approaches life with the same type of positive attitude as me, and has a bright, natural type of joy in her. She loves hard. She works hard. She is playful, and finds beauty and humor in the day to day. She is patient, and steady and always seeking balance. She loves adventure, and her cat, and pays her bills and buys groceries. She cooks, and loves food (we cook together and I love it). She treats me so well. She gets me, and sees my worth, and thinks I’m special and awesome and is supportive and kind to me. She rolls me over gently when I’m snoring in her ear at night. We laugh so hard together sometimes I start gasping for air. And she isn’t embarrassed of me when I start crying into my soup at Panera after a hard day.

the other day I told her I was going to take a bath and she snuck into the bathroom and got this all ready for me

The other day I told her I was going to take a bath and she snuck into the bathroom and got this all ready for me…

I know it’s fast, and I know how it looks and that there might very well be some people in my life who are judging me. But you know what? I don’t care. I truly do not. Not that I don’t value concern and care of friends and family. But ultimately, I’m the one who’s living my life. I’m the one who wakes up being me every morning and lives with my choices, and who knows the inside of this relationship.

And if I have peace and love and happiness in my soul falling asleep in her arms–then you better believe I’m going to be snuggled up in that spot. Life’s too damn short.

Me & Lily

I’m not certain where this will go, but I am hopeful it’s going somewhere good. I know my worth, I know I’m a good thing, and I want someone who doesn’t just recognize that, but matches it. Based on what I’ve seen and gotten to know so far, I believe she does.

I love you and I hope you’ve come home from your trip with a renewed sense of self and hope! I want to hear about it!

Love, Ruth

P.S. I turn 30 in ten days. Holy crap! I’m going to Boston with Lily & a group of friends for a wedding and then to celebrate my birthday!

P.P.S. Please go find a cute girl to sleep with who is actually into women and who won’t get you pregnant.

P.P.P.S. I am reading Hannah Hart’s memoir “Buffering: Unshared tales of a Life Fully Loaded” right now and loving it so far (probably should throw out some trigger warnings for it… so far her memories from childhood have been rough, dealing with judgmental religion and mental health).

Tu comenzando y yo terminando…

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Dear Ruth,

I know this letter is very close to the last one and I know the last one was all gloom doom. I apologize for all the gloom and doom but that is my life: all madness and melancholia.

I am writing this because I wanted to update you on a situation I am having. I am going to New York tomorrow and I don’t want my post-NY letter to be about Cory at all.

The gist of it all is: I am not seeing her. I am going to NYC on the weekend that she’s free and I planned around her schedule in order to spend as much time as possible together.

And then I lost my shit.

I have been fragile emotionally lately, which pulls me towards withdrawing and staying in my safe zone. Cory is extremely busy with school and has no time whatsoever to communicate regularly with me (or anyone for that matter). I want her to be emotionally available at the very least on a friendship level, so I feel somehow connected to her even though the distance is imminent. She’s not okay with that. She thinks her making me a priority means that we would be on a long distance relationship (which she does not want). is that what it is? Because if that is the case, I am on like 3 LDRs right now with friends (you included) I don’t see regularly but who are available to me and I to them to the best of our abilities and circumstances.

I have been wanting to fall out of love with her for as long as I have been in love with her. Especially because of the distance and the impossible nature of our bond. I have never been able to. I have never been in a place in which I felt strong and capable enough to say aloud to myself that I can move on from her. Until the other day, when something just snapped. Maybe my heart is so beyond tired of loving emotionally unavailable people; maybe I am done being open and caring and I am ready to be a bitch; .

maybe the pain of loving her and not having her became so intense that it actually broke me.

I don’t recognize myself right now. I have prayed so hard for these feelings to go away but I have never had the actual willpower to push her away or move away from her. I had kind of accepted that she was going to be part of my heart and my life permanently and regardless. Until now. I told her I did not want to see her during trip and I think we have cut contact.

I feel both devastated and proud of myself. I feel empowered by my decision, no longer drifting in an ocean of emotions. I finally let this ship wreck and all the feelings will eventually drown on their own.

There will be pain, tears, regret, but that is all 2016 has been so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I am heading to New York City tomorrow. Hoping to make what little time I have  with my friends and family count.

I’ll send you a postcard.

Thank you for being a friend and for being emotionally available.

Love,
Nora

Oh no, you didn’t.

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Dear Ruth:

WTF. WTF. WTF.

Two letters ago you had just fallen out of love with Elise and now you are ready for  a relationship? Six weeks yo, six weeks to your birthday! You almost almost made it. It was so close ugh. Why?

Actually, don’t answer that. I know why.

I want to be happy for you Ruth, but I am afraid. I must admit this does feel different in many levels: you took your time getting to know her, you are not compromising your needs, she’s willing to wait for you, etc.  You have what polyamorous people label as NRE: new relationship excitement. When you start with someone and you are full of sparks and roses. I know all about it. I am curious to see how this develops and how it’s going to change you.

I am excited for your excitement and I think I found this Lily on the Instagram. I look forward to following this new romantic adventure of yours.

On my end, I am struggling. I am struggling with a lot of things.

I was struggling at work and I advocated for myself, which helped in different ways especially in keeping me busier. Which in turn, keeps me away from my email and less stressed about school stuff. On that end, Mars has spoken and his words were not kind. I have gotten two rejections and no interviews as of today. I must say that is rather early in the cycle (most schools interview into March) but I submitted my app sooooo early. I am struggling to remain patient, but at least the days are going faster now.

This takes me to the next struggle: Plan B. I need to figure out what happens if I don’t get into Medical School and where I will be in a year. I have like 20 ideas but I also have no idea. I wanna be near Cory but I also don’t want to make life decisions based on feelings. This in turn, leads me to my emotional struggles: I’m unhappy with my romantic situation. Key and Princess are wonderful people and we’ve been having great times. We actually went camping this weekend.

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I am unhappy because, first  Princess is not really gay. She identifies as heteroflexible and I am not all that sure how flexible, flexible is flexible. I miss being wanted by a woman and a woman’s touch. We talked and we are going to be friends and continue to date Key, Second and most annoyingly: BABIES. My body decides that once a month I’m at risk of getting pregnant. It’s so stressful to have to worry about contraception  Honestly, the idea of accidental pregnancy bothers me a lot. There’s suddenly a human growing inside of me without my consent? Ugh.

This feels way too familiar. I become discontent with people so quickly. My ex used to say I have chronic dissatisfaction. I probably do.

ON TOP of struggling with my California romances, I am struggling with the Cory situation. I am afraid I am getting lost in the sauce and is clouding my judgement. I want to be with her, I wanna be present, I want to be close. But at the same time, I don’t wanna make big decisions based on another person. I already moved across the country for someone once. I wanna go where the next step on my career is, not wherever my significant other lives. .

It’s hard to live missing people and that is how the last 13 years of my life have been. Never fully at home, always longing, always carrying a burden of nostalgia.

I am unhappy with Cory because she’s going to be in NYC for the next 4-5 years if not more. She’s living the dream and if I move there she’ll have everything she’s ever wanted. Me, in other hand, I am not sure if I can live with the uncertainty of whether she would ever do something that big for me. I have to realize that, sadly, I don’t trust her.

screenshot_2016-10-09-01-41-40Which leads me to the last of the struggles for today: Dating PTSD. Ever since Trace, I cannot trust anyone. I don’t believe anyone who says they love me or that they care about me. I don’t know if Cory seriously thinks of me as partner material (this has a history though). I don’t know how I am going to be able to tell someone lying anymore, I thought I was good at that. Until this person dragged me along for a year pretending to care and I swallowed it whole. It makes me distrust people, it makes me wanna never be intimate with someone. I feel like I naked my soul to a person and they took a picture of it and posted it on facebook. They totally missed the point and violated my heart in the process. I have worked so hard in the healing process but it has been five months and I am exhausted. I don’t wanna do emotional work anymore, I just want to chill and knit all the things.

My best friend Abby was the first to point out how affected I still am by that last break up, how scarred. And I see it and it hurts. I made a mistake, I did not protect my heart, I gave myself away, I wasted a year of my life, I understand it, I accept it, I forgive myself for it.

WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO DO TO FEEL LIKE MYSELF AGAIN?

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I read this poem by Wanheed and it touched me. The opposite happened to me with Trace: I am darker, more jaded, less human. I was not loved. I was used. 

Not all is gloom and doom though. I am actually visiting NYC in a couple of weeks. Gonna see my friends, cousins and Cory of course. I am very excited and counting the days back.

I hope this letter was not too decrepit for you. I did not want to ruin your happiness with my sorrows but this is my reality.

Please have all the love and magic with Lily, you deserve it. Make sure you have enough for the both of us.

Love,
Nora

PS. Seriously though WTF?

Independence Day

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Dear Nora,

I’m here, I’m here! I’ve been too busy for my own good. I need to stop doing that. The past month has been filled with visitors and Pride stuff and re-doing my apartment and talks with friends and extra work stuff and spending time outside in the lovely Portland summer. But I am here.

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Left: Representing the choir in the parade, riding “bitch” on the back of my friend’s bike!; Right: My made-over room, complete with my handmade “headboard” and origami lights; Bottom: Vigil for the Orlando shooting victims

I am super jealous of your awesome roadtrip! We live on such a beautiful planet, I loved seeing your pics. I have kind of a joke with friends that when I’m overwhelmed by the natural beauty of a place I get almost angry. Not actually angry, but just… I almost can’t stand it. I want to capture it, and keep it, and bask in it. But there it stays, and all I can do is admire it and scream about how pretty it is and take pathetic iPhone pics and move along with my life. Needless to say, it’s been a problem ever since moving to the PNW. I enjoyed some outdoors while camping this weekend.

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Oregon <3

I’m so, so glad you took that time (and money) for yourself. You deserve it! (Also, you deserve new manipulation-free heels… I found some online coupons for you.) Can I just say how proud I am of you for creating the space you need from Trace? Games with feelings suck ass. It seems like you’re doing a really good job of being deliberate about taking care of yourself. Going to therapy, thinking through the “whys” of everything that happened, and setting intentions for yourself, and surrounding yourself with good friends.

I want to hear more about Cory. In your previous letter you mentioned you find her condescending. That was pre-roadtrip/visit together and I’m curious if she still seems that way after spending more in-person time together? Also, it makes me really happy to hear that it’s a connection not based on anything you “offer”, but simply you just being you, and her recognizing your worth. Yay for mutual feelings!! Do you think it might go anywhere? Do you want it to? Also how can you stand being in love with someone and not be completely consumed by it? Teach me how.

Today is independence day, and I am celebrating it this evening by myself, in my apartment with the windows open and candles glowing. And instead of fireworks, I burned some sage and “smudged” my space to clear out negative energy. I don’t know what I believe about that stuff, but if nothing else, the ritual brought me comfort and it felt cleansing… so there’s that.

I’ve reach two conclusions over the past month: I’ve decided it’s about goddamn time for me to stop wishing that I was something I’m not, and I NEED to stop apologizing for who I am and what I need.

You were so very right in your assessment—that I am a hopeless romantic always seeking The One, in love with love. Optimistic, devoted, forgiving. Sometimes I am kind of ashamed of it. I wanted to try to deny that, to defend the parts of me that are “realistic” and “logical”. I want to act as though I don’t want the things that I really want, and convince the world that I’m not just some silly, naïve girl looking for “princess charming”. Elise said as much, that she’s dated more than me, that she has “seen what’s out there”, and that at some point you just find a pretty good fit and the rest is just hard work.

I know she’s probably right. I know everyone is probably right and I am foolish and dreaming of fairytales and what I seek isn’t real life. But none of that stops me from wanting it. And I’m not ready to give up on the hope that it exists for me.

I’ve come to realize in dating, we are all completely sucked in by different aspects of a relationship. For Elise, it was that initial connection and spark. For my sister, it’s the intellectual attraction of two minds. For another friend, it’s an intense physical chemistry. For another, it’s the mystery and intrigue of discovering all of another person. For me? I really do love being in love. I love absolutely adoring someone else, and having them feel that completely, and feeling loved and adored in return. That is my crack. And while I’m sure there’s some perfectly reasonable scientific explanation for these feelings, to me it feels like nothing short of a miracle.

There was a fog that lifted, when we ended things. And I had an actual moment where suddenly I could see myself, feel myself, and inhabit my body once again and I laughed out loud and said “oh, HERE I am.. I love this person!” I then proceeded to give myself a good talkin-to about how great I am and how much I love me. I had been so tangled up in anxiety and trying “make it work” and thinking what I could do to please her, that I lost sight of myself in the relationship. This is something I will be tackling with my therapist (did I tell you I am going to therapy, too?) I am quick to give up things for people I love, especially for the woman I fall in love with. Way too readily I give up both large and small things (ranging from food choices, to pets/kid/marriage prospects, from TV shows to daily schedules to place where we live), and make concessions for just about all of it to the point where I become just a sum of their wants. Elise called it martyrdom. But it’s not from a place of trying to make a show of giving stuff up. It’s just… it’s just how I am. I don’t think of it as a weakness, but rather, I think these “faults” are products of my strengths, I just need to learn to wield them in a way that’s healthier for me… in a way that doesn’t cause me to drown out myself.

Recently for work, as a team-building exercise we took these personality tests called strengths finder, and my top categories were Empathy (feel what others are feeling), Relator (develop deep and genuine relationships), Harmony (bring others together), Developer (see potential in others), Maximizer (encourage talents and strengths in order for others to ‘be their best’). While many people in my team had strengths like learning, achieving, deliberating, analyzing, communicating, ideation, thinking futuristically or strategically…etc., all of my traits just had more to do with relationship building than anything else, and building others and myself, up.

That is who I am. I am someone who believes in others, and myself, cares about and relates to them, and wants to all work together in peace and harmony towards our best individual potentials. It’s some hippy dippy shit and I fucking love it.

Elise used to refer to me as “Gandhi” or “Mother Teresa” or sometimes “Jesus”. She would jokingly ask me to show her my scar-free hands, just to confirm that I’m not the Messiah. Of course she meant it all as a joke. But it was honestly an issue in my last relationship as well. I hear things like “you’re too good for me” and groan. This sort of pedestal has been something I’ve experienced my whole life. Ruth. My name literally means compassion. It sounds like a good thing… and while it does have some perks, no one wants to be seen as a saint. Saints are boring and not fun at all. They are “holier-than-thou” and goodie two-shoes. And I am none of those things. I am fun and sarcastic and nonjudgmental and I can be a moody asshole and I am better than no one. But I am kind. I am concerned for others. I am giving, to a fault. I feel what others are feeling and I am moved by it. I don’t know how to be any other way. I think you can be all those things.

Those are my gifts. This is my light. I can either love it and shine it as it is, or be ashamed and try to hide it. I can either spend my life wishing I was a different way than I am, or I can embrace it. And fill my life with people who love and value these things about me.

Tonight I had a couple of invites to join in on 4th of July festivities. I was tired from camping and being around people a lot, and all I wanted was to stay home, take a bath, write you a letter and smudge my apartment. I took some grief for telling people I just wanted alone time tonight. My first instinct was to apologize for wanting alone time. I feared they’d think I was lame and they wouldn’t understand, and that they’d stop inviting me to things or feel sorry for me. Some of those things may have crossed their minds. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. I didn’t apologize, because I shouldn’t have to apologize for taking care of my own needs and doing what I like. I shouldn’t have to explain it. And if someone doesn’t “get it” or accept me, then they probably aren’t worth my time and aren’t a friend I really need.

I need to stop apologizing for who I am. I am an introvert, I need alone time. I am kind, and I like that about myself. It doesn’t mean I’m a goddamn saint. I believe in the love of soulmates, living life side-by-side, and I still hope to find it. I am a good thing. I have a lot of love to give. I see the best. I am what I am what I am.

I am energized being alone, and am venturing into the forever alone chapter with a desire to love and take care of myself better. And to make the most of this time, undistracted by couplehood. So that someday IF that person comes along, I’ll know better how to balance my needs with theirs, and no more of this “losing myself” bullshit. I turn 30 in November, and my intention is to not seek out anything serious for the remaining months of my 20s at the very least. I feel the most myself when I’m alone, it makes my soul stir. And based on previous experience, I don’t know how to be anything but serious when it comes to love interests… so perhaps that will necessitate no dating at all. Right now that feels completely doable… but doesn’t it always, until you meet someone who you “can’t live without”? I would be pretty content right now “whoring out” as you called it, but I seem to suck at that because I get a whole mess of feelings when I connect physically with someone.

Updates next time on project “fall out of love” and the effort to transition from dating to friends with Elise. Also, miniature elephant sanctuary.

Love, Ruth

P.S. This is the longest letter ever. I think we can count it as two.
P.P.S. I was about to apologize for all of my rants about refusing to apologize for who I am in this letter. But I’m not going to.
P.P.P.S. YES! Cory and AJ can stay with me! I agree that would be so epic. My place isn’t big but I think we could make it work. When?? Send me details via email.

Quietest Hours

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My dear Nora,

I hope you’ll forgive me for not writing. It hasn’t been writer’s block exactly. I’ve almost had too many thoughts and feelings to collect them for you.

Elise and I broke up a few days ago. The month leading up to it was filled with tormented days and nights and discussions and overwhelming fear and desire and thoughts and journaling and phone calls to friends and sisters and tears—all of the tears. It was full of sound and fury, but it was never anything bad. Somehow, in all of that, we still managed to convey how deeply we love and cared about each other. How special we considered the other. How remarkably grateful we were to have shared a path for a time.

And now I feel as though I’ve just stepped off of a boat and I’m still swaying with the feel of the water as I step onto dry land. And my legs are wobbly. And I can still smell the sea.

I wanted it to be her, Nora. I truly did, in my heart of hearts. And she wanted it to be me. That’s what made it all so tormented. We were both fighting it in our own way, while something inside us both was telling us we weren’t the best fit for the long term. But the moment it ended, something inside me confirmed that was the right thing, and I believe the same thing happened for her. That sense of peace is what’s sheltered my heart the past few days from the waves of pain that are sure to follow.

Coincidence that Elise bought this book 2 days before we broke up? I think not.

Coincidence that Elise bought this book 2 days before we broke up? I think not. Signs from the universe.

I hope more than anything we will find a way to hold on to each other in life in some capacity. I think we’re still in the shock zone at the moment, figuring out logistics and crap. And also, today is her birthday. Our breakup was mutual, but I still feel like a grade-A asshole for giving her a broken heart for her birthday.

WHAT IS THIS LIFE, NORA?

Thank you for continuing to write me in spite of my radio silence. I’m sure I will tell you more about it all in the coming months. Maybe I am due for an LA getaway and we can just hang out in the park and the California sunshine and play with Toby.

I’ve been reading in the quiet moments, the solemn hours, where everything goes on buzzing around me, exactly the same and completely different at the same time. It feels strange to me, and numb, and like a deafening quiet. I’m reading Rilke’s “Letters to a Young Poet”:

Keep growing, silently and earnestly, through your whole development; you couldn’t disturb it any more violently than by looking outside and waiting for outside answers to questions that only your innermost feeling, in your quietest hour, can perhaps answer.

and also:

“Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked in rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”

I am proud of something, Nora. That I did listen to myself, I did not ignore my gut on this. Even though it broke my own heart. And I don’t understand it yet or have the answers, but I am following my innermost feeling, and maybe living my way into the answers. And in the deepest mud of all the pain, there is a seed of something really good.

Now, about you, my dear. I’m so sorry I’ve neglected you, when you have so much going on. The medical school application process does sound incredibly rigged and infuriating. I want this to be one of those against-all-odds stories like a movie, and you are the underdog protagonist and we are all cheering for you. I am cheering for you. And I’m glad you’re not ready to give up. I want to hear about why you want to be a doctor. What type of medicine do you want to practice?

I’m going to write you a separate letter to discuss numbers 2-4. I have so many thoughts and feelings and questions for you. My schedule is also freeing up so I will have time to write you much sooner than my delayed responses of late. I love this space Nora, having this tiny little corner of internet to talk to you and maybe to others also. It’s nice to know someone is listening. I am always listening, even if I don’t respond for a while, just know that. <3

Love, Ruth

P.S. Congrats on A) NEW JOB! B) NEW APARTMENT! C) NEW HAIRCUT (you look adorable!). Write that personal statement lady, I know you’ve got it in you, put your heart on the page—you are a brilliant writer.

P.P.S. Please re-upload the photo from you letter (titled “dog nut”). I need to see it!

A decision every day

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Dear Ruth,

How dare you avoid me?

(This is a real question, really, how did you do it? Sometimes I want to avoid myself)

I do not want to talk about my trip to Colombia on this letter because that is going to be a really long story and it has a sad ending. I rather rant to you about marriage today and leave the immigrant rant for another letter (it’s coming though, I got so much bitching to do)

I want to respond to your question of getting ownership of your feelings and thoughts. I absolutely think you can, but it is not going to be fun. First of all, I am polyamorous. I cannot really relate to the idea of jealousy in romantic relationships. What are you jealous of? What are you worried about? That they’d leave you? That someone prettier would come around? I don’t get it man. I do know about trust in relationships. Relationships are based in decisions. People wake up every day and choose to stay with YOU. You don’t own Elise, she can look at whom she pleases and talk to whom she pleases. She can wake up tomorrow and say: FUCK THE LEASE! I AM OUT! But she has not. And she may never do that. You just have to accept that she chooses you every day and will continue to do so until she wants to. You cannot win her over, you cannot earn love. This is not a competition: you vs all other gayz. This is a partnership.

Whenever you feel jealous, count the days that Elise has chosen you. The times she has gone out of her way to please you, say thank you to the universe for ten things she has done that make you happy. By the time you are done, you won’t remember what you were jealous about.

Trust is not never being jealous. Trust is getting past those fears and insecurities and knowing they’d choose you again.

We are just so different Ruth. Like I cannot comprehend the way you think about marriage as security. My parents are married to this day and it has brought nothing but unhappiness to each other and their children. A lease, a marriage contract, paper and more paper. I can relate to the thought of “I choose this person to be my closest of kin” , this makes sense to me. The way you list an emergency contact on forms and applications. You have someone. In this sense, I get your idea of marriage. You have someone, undoubtedly. It is the certainty that they have your best interest and your happiness in mind.

But this statement I have a problem with “This person is my anchor. This person is my home”

It mostly has to do with my growing up without a family or an anchor or a “home”; feeling still like home is a foreign concept that may never make sense to me. When I broke up with my ex, I went through a whole process of re-accepting this “homelessness”. And I came across this poem:

you can’t make homes out of human beings

home warsan shire3_900someone should have already told you that

and if he wants to leave

then let him leave

you are terrifying

and strange and beautiful

something not everyone knows how to love.

By Warsan Shire (here’s the whole poem)

So what happens if the anchor lifts? You drift. What happens if you want to navigate away from port? The anchor holds you back. I am not okay with this. I am the captain of my soul (also a poem).  I have had too many “homes” to believe that they would last more than five years. I promise, I am not cynical. I am actually very romantic. But as a friend, I want you to go into this thinking:

a new contract every day, a decision every day.

Trace and I are coming onto a one year anniversary of our very first date. I have never been with anyone so different to myself. Half the time, I am almost certain they would leave. And I am surprisingly okay with it. They have been consistently around for the last five months and have made me very happy. We have had conversations about moving in together and marriage and such. We agreed to seriously revisit the concept when we have been together for a year.

I am doing better in terms of stress (or trying) the game plan was to reduce the number of commitments I currently have and make alone time to recharge and1461865314292 recover. It has worked well so far. I had a very abusive roommate (he’s a little psycho though, like not all there) who harassed me on text every day and yelled at my guests and threatened to have me evicted (after I gave moving notice). It was making me feel very unsafe, called 911 several times. This was definitely not helping my stress levels. But now I have moved and I am pleased
with my apartment, I have more space and more privacy and no harassment whatsoever. My biggest problem is Toby pooping in the house, but currently working on that. 

I am also making a fairy garden in the small yard we have in the back. Its going to be so beautiful. I will send pictures when it’s done.

I cut my hair recently, what do you think?

1461865196031

Thank you for putting up with my weirdness. I will write to you again about Colombia, and privilege and goals and being an immigrant. It’s on my mind right now but too stormy to make a decent post out of it.

Love,

Nora

PS. Yorkies are perfect. Great for allergies, small and well behaved. I approve.

Of why I came to America

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Dear Ruth,

The pictures of the tree house are EPIC. They’re the most reblogged post in our tumblr page.

Thank you for taking my craziness into consideration and writing such a lengthy Echo Park, Los Angeles and educational reply to my ranting. Things got worse before they got better. I had a panic attack at work and the boyfriend had to come pick me up. Well, they did not have to. They chose to pick me up because I mentioned I did not feel safe going home,I did not want to be unsupervised. When I get panic attacks I get kind of paranoid and I think everything is out to get me. Oh, and I cannot stop crying. It’s not fun and it’s not pretty. I am also not crazy.

I am gratefully doing better and sat with myself in the park the other day to write some things down and prioritize. I have way too much in my plate right now. The stress level is escalating and it will only get higher if I want to apply to school this summer. I really need to come up with a game plan.

When it comes to mental health, it is very important to have the right support and the right strategy. “Winging it” is a really really really bad plan.

I am glad Elise has you as support and if you ever not know how to deal with it, feel free to ask away.

In the love life, I am looking to date but have not met anyone that catches my eye lately. I am very in love with Trace and I am enjoying it. Did I mention Trace is agender? They recently changed their pronouns to they/them/theirs and I am adjusting to it. We settled for the title “boyfriend” or partner because they are the home depot type.

Ruth, I am glad you asked about my move to the states. It’s a really boring story but it’s a big part who I am since moving here shaped me so much.

My mom is a minister. Her dream job is to preach the gospel and get paid for it. She’s also an educator, that’s her day job. My mother has two sister who emigrated to the states when she was very young. One those sisters, also named Nora, is a devout christian. My aunt Nora’s church used to have a pastors conference every year during the month of April. In 2003, my mom received an invitation to attend the conference and my other aunt had the idea to include me on the letter. I was very involved in my church and was a minor so it was very likely I would get a visa.

Alas, the American embassy gave us an interview for a visa the week after the conference and it would not make any sense to even attend the interview. But my aunts in New York were very invested in seeing my mom in the states. They had not seen her for like 30 years so they talked to the church and they issued my mom an invitation for a different event in June that year. Our visas were approved and we came in June 2003. My mom stayed for a few months and went back to Colombia in August. I did not see her for a few years after that.

I lived with my aunt Nora for about a year and a half but we did not get along and it was hell. Then I lived with another aunt Mary for another year-ish. I moved out the winter after I turned 18 and never looked back.

It’s a pretty lame story but that’s the gist. The only interesting part is how I made this decision. In December 2002, my mom asked me if given the opportunity would I live in the United States with my aunt. I said yes instantly. I was in my last year of High School and I was aware there was no money for higher education. My father is completely useless and my mom was struggling to carry my sisters community college. My future after school did not look bright or promising so i was given a way out and took it. I also hated my parents, so everyone wins.

This remains to date the most important decision of my life and I made it as a child. I am not sure why this was left up to me

or who thought it was a good idea to send a teenager into the wild alone. Yes I lived with relatives but I had never met them. They did not feel like family, still don’t. Being alone in this country has made me the strong independent invincible woman that I am today. But I was not always this person. I had to survive the loneliness and the abandonment. Had to figure out life, adulting, education, health, basically EVERYTHING. Alone and in a different country. I do not recommend it. I would not send my children away to have a better future.

This is getting long but to answer the rest of your questions:

Do you still keep in touch with them?

Yes, through whatsapp mostly I don’t like talking on the phone so internet is better

Have you ever gone back?

I have been back once and it was interesting. (Would you like details?)

Are your closest friends with you in California? or still back in NY?

My closest friends are in NY. I am starting to make friends in California. I have made a really strong bond with one friend named Pixie. There’s a friend Stephanie who I dated a while back in NYC who now lives here. She’s great to have. I hope to keep growing a circle. Even though I am not sure if I am staying here.

Do you have people in your life who feel “permanent”?

No. I had one friend named Sofia who felt permanent but she decided to dump me in 2014, after six years of friendship. Bitch moved to California last December and STILL did not hit me up. That has made it really hard to trust friendships. My Best friend Iris who is in NYC is healing most of that wound and she is starting to feel permanent even though we are apart.

I hope this answers your questions Ruth. Feel free to keep asking.

I still want to hear about the “m” word though. Trace and I have discussed moving in together and agreed to revisit the idea seriously when we have been together for about a year. I saw this article in Autostraddle about the pace of relationships and how it is different for everyone and not an indicator of ANYTHING. Made me think of you and Elise who went from dating to wife-ing in less than a year.

I hope the ice has melted completely by now in Portland, and that you are finding fresh vegetables in the hipster markets you are always visiting.

Toby desperately needs a haircut, buSnapchat-7584283940234007677t he says hi.

Thank you for being a good friend.

Love, 

Nora