I know this letter is very close to the last one and I know the last one was all gloom doom. I apologize for all the gloom and doom but that is my life: all madness and melancholia.
I am writing this because I wanted to update you on a situation I am having. I am going to New York tomorrow and I don’t want my post-NY letter to be about Cory at all.
The gist of it all is: I am not seeing her. I am going to NYC on the weekend that she’s free and I planned around her schedule in order to spend as much time as possible together.
And then I lost my shit.
I have been fragile emotionally lately, which pulls me towards withdrawing and staying in my safe zone. Cory is extremely busy with school and has no time whatsoever to communicate regularly with me (or anyone for that matter). I want her to be emotionally available at the very least on a friendship level, so I feel somehow connected to her even though the distance is imminent. She’s not okay with that. She thinks her making me a priority means that we would be on a long distance relationship (which she does not want). is that what it is? Because if that is the case, I am on like 3 LDRs right now with friends (you included) I don’t see regularly but who are available to me and I to them to the best of our abilities and circumstances.
I have been wanting to fall out of love with her for as long as I have been in love with her. Especially because of the distance and the impossible nature of our bond. I have never been able to. I have never been in a place in which I felt strong and capable enough to say aloud to myself that I can move on from her. Until the other day, when something just snapped. Maybe my heart is so beyond tired of loving emotionally unavailable people; maybe I am done being open and caring and I am ready to be a bitch; .
maybe the pain of loving her and not having her became so intense that it actually broke me.
I don’t recognize myself right now. I have prayed so hard for these feelings to go away but I have never had the actual willpower to push her away or move away from her. I had kind of accepted that she was going to be part of my heart and my life permanently and regardless. Until now. I told her I did not want to see her during trip and I think we have cut contact.
I feel both devastated and proud of myself. I feel empowered by my decision, no longer drifting in an ocean of emotions. I finally let this ship wreck and all the feelings will eventually drown on their own.
There will be pain, tears, regret, but that is all 2016 has been so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I am heading to New York City tomorrow. Hoping to make what little time I have with my friends and family count.
I’ll send you a postcard.
Thank you for being a friend and for being emotionally available.