Monthly Archives: February 2017

Another day, another heartbreak.

Dear Ruth:

 

I wanted to start this saying WTF but I am not really all that surprised. And it’s not because I am a dead-inside cynical bitch but because of the things you’ve said about her and because you have not been posting pictures on social media. Something just felt off, maybe it was just our friendship has turned into a telepathic connection. Who knows, but I suspected it.

And it makes me very very very sad. I know you loved her and how special she made you feel. It sounded like she was mature and invested. This could have been a great thing, but here comes life again and plays another trick. I have to give you the kudos though, because you sensed it and you acted. You released her from your relationship into a world in which she can find someone to fall in love with who would fall in love with her. Your words reminded me so much of my break up with Trace last May. You and Trace were in the same situation, but you handled it so much better.

You acted with kindness and compassion and let go of the person you loved so they can find something better. You did not fake it until you made it. You did not hold her emotionally hostage. Trust me, she will forgive you and she will heal. I have forgiven Trace and I have healed (albeit slowly). She is going to hurt for a while, and then she’s going to be okay.

According to Sex and the City, it takes you half the time you dated someone to get over them. And this can be very true or very false. In cases of unrequited love (story of my life), I am more likely to agree with Pablo Neruda when he says: Love is so short, forgetting is so long. She will need time, she will need her process. And you will need yours.

When it comes to love and falling in love, I have a theory: You can plant a seed, but you cannot make it sprout.

You pick the best soil, you fertilize, you water, you play music for it, you put it near a window. But you cannot make the motherfucking seed sprout. I have learned this the hard way by trying (unsuccessfully) to grow basil. You picked a great seed Ruth she was great. You heart is good soil, you did good caring for it, but it did not sprout. It is not your fault, it’s not something you can control.

Why do we fall in love with certain people and not others? I have no fucking idea. I would love to be able to pick and choose who I have deep feelings for. Right now I am running through a list of exes and all I can think of is: DEFINITELY NOT, (if I had been given a choice). 

I don’t know if this comes off the wrong way but :WELCOME BACK TO FOREVER ALONE. I got things to say about this. 

Last week, in the middle of ending things with Sandra (which was very smooth and dramaless), fighting with my friend Abby and drowning in PMS, I found myself in a very dark place. But it was a new dark place, it was not the usual. There was a sadness that I could not place. I am not lonely, I am not depressed. What is it?

It was this: I am not in love. I have been in love with someone for the last five years. Mind you, not necessarily in a relationship and not necessarily happy. I went from being in love with Izzy to being in love with Cory to being in Love with Trace to being in love with Cory to now. My heart is for once at liberty. It is exhilarating and terrifying to not have a person. I don’t have a person to daydream of, or to text romantic messages to, to think of when I am singing Baladas or to picture myself with in 5 years. I am dating and I care about my baes. But I have no intentions of investing emotionally in a long term relationship any time soon.

What is it about being in love that is so appealing? Why do we gravitate so strongly towards the intensity? Are the butterflies even worth it? I wish being in love was not such a big deal Ruth. But it is and that’s why we find ourselves in this position. 

I know that things are hard for you right now and I am sorry that your reality is such. I just want you to know you made the right call and that you will recover. 

 

Stay soft  my friend. There is so much love still to be experienced.

Your friend,

Nora

P.S. I love the poster of your goals. GET THAT TATTOO!!!

Gutted

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Dear Nora,

Thank you for writing, I have missed you. I’m afraid my updates for you are far from the “perfect lesbian life”. I ended things with Lily about a week ago and this week has been one of a heavy heart. It gutted me to end it, but I knew it was the right thing to do. Let me go back and explain.

Everything was moving along swiftly and swimmingly with Lily and I honestly could not ask for a better girlfriend. But a few months in, a pit arose in my stomach and a small voice told me “this isn’t it for you, Ruth”. Per my habit, I told the voice to shut up and continued. There was nothing “wrong” in our relationship! We literally didn’t even fight! It was peaceful and easy and fun–we cooked together and took time apart and did all the adulting things. More than that, I was myself, fully, while being in it. The voice didn’t know what it was talking about.

Lily, Magpie & Me being goofy

But it persisted, and it grew louder. It was my gut speaking up. Eventually I started to listen to it, and after fighting it for a while longer, I gave in to the Truth. I was so happy with Lily. But I was not in love. I didn’t have the deepest kind of feelings I needed to have. I have a huge place for her in my heart, and think the world of her, but I didn’t have the butterflies, the excitement, the hunger and fire I needed to make this a long term relationship. Not everyone needs those things… but I know that I do. I had excitement and hope at the beginning of where I pictured us going, but something was missing for me–I realized as we dated–and I knew I wasn’t going to get there. The realization gave me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Unfortunately when it comes to relationships, the long term ones have to be a unanimous decision made by your body, your heart, your mind, and your gut or else they’ll unravel.

And there seemed to be some divided opinions amongst my body, mind, heart & gut that were unwilling to be swayed. The only right thing to do next was to be honest with Lily and to let her go, so that she can find someone who can be in 100%, the way she deserves. I felt a sense of urgency to end it sooner rather than later, since I was the first person to hold her heart like that–I knew the longer I waited the more damage it could do.

That was some of the most painful news I’ve ever had to deliver. She was so upset Nora. So angry and hurt and betrayed and heartbroken. She felt it was so unfair that I never gave her a chance to weigh in on the decision to end the relationship. She said she should have gotten a chance to fight for it. But I didn’t feel right allowing her to fight for something my gut told me was not mine to keep. It’s so hard to explain to someone that nothing is wrong with them, and that in fact they’re the most wonderful person, but still, you cannot stay.

Trust that the most compassionate thing of all is to release those we don’t love hard enough or true enough or big enough or right. Believe we are all worthy of hard, true, big, right love.

–“Brave Enough”, Cheryl Strayed

I beat myself up for a while for not being able to love her the right way, for not being able to give back to her what she was giving to me, in the long term way she deserved. But then I realized how futile that is, and how unfair to myself. So I reframed my self talk:

“It’s ok Ruth. It’s ok if you can’t give everyone, everything they need. It’s ok that you tried to love her in that way and ultimately couldn’t give her that. It’s ok that you went in thinking it would go a certain way and it went another way. You tried. You gave it your best. It’s ok to love someone and then realize they’re not the one for you. It’s ok to walk away. Be compassionate, be respectful, be kind, be thankful. It’s ok to take care of yourself and do what feels right in your gut. I give you permission to love and not end up with someone. I give you permission to listen to yourself.  It doesn’t make you heartless. It doesn’t make you a quitter. It doesn’t make you a liar. It makes you brave. It makes you honest.”

I don’t regret dating her, even though it caused her pain in the end. I know she will heal. I think we will both be stronger and the love we shared will leave more happy memories than sad ones. I know I learned a lot and I think she did too. She gave me a new kind of hope, that it is possible to be free and myself and not people-please in a relationship. I don’t know why she isn’t mine for sure Nora, but I am trusting it. I am trusting that I will know why some day, and I hope she will too. I am also holding out hope that she will be able to come back into my life as a friend, when she is ready. She wants that, too. We have a special connection, and even though it’s going to be different than what I thought, I think there is still something very much worth saving there.

I watched the visions I had for us and our future go out of focus in my mind. And it was like watching a different life that might have been mine, but wasn’t meant for me. Something else is meant for me and I feel it coming. I feel like there is hard work ahead for me this year, I feel like there is something for me to do, to work on, to become. And I feel like I am supposed to do it on my own, and that I will be alone for a while this time. I feel this calm sense of peace, but also the weight of something coming. It may just be growing pains. Whether I like it or not, I am making room for something bigger in my life.

So much in so little time, already in 2017. What else will this year hold? The current political climate has been like a living nightmare, watching it unfold. It is terrifying. I have been heartened by the outcry of people, by the uprising of so many–joining  together to fight to keep progress in place that has already been hard fought, and to push on ahead. Marching in the women’s march. Going to protests. Calling our representatives. I am going to focus on a few areas this year as well. First and foremost, I have come to realize I can only be an effective advocate and ally if I am truly educated to the experiences of others. And there is no excuse for ignorance. So I’m working to seek out the stories of those who have been oppressed in our country. The list is long, but I think starting by understanding better the lives and experiences of women of color especially will help me be able to better fight for my sisters. I have also felt really compelled to better understand and advocate for climate justice, especially as it effects social justice.

I’ve just been asking myself “How can I amplify the voices of those who are silenced?” “How can I share the stories of those who’s stories have been lost or untold?” The first step is to seek out those stories and hear those voices.

I’ve been really in awe and inspired by some powerful women who have charged ahead through endless obstacles throughout their lifetime, recently I got to hear Janet Mock and Dr. Melba Beals speak. I also finished reading Sisters in Law, about the first women on the Supreme Court and the fight for women’s legal equality–Ruth Bader Ginsberg is my personal hero. It was well timed with the women’s march.

Thank you for my hat!!!

I think you are right to focus on a few core issues. So that is where I am beginning. In addition to women of color and climate + social justice, I also feel called to work on building the bridge over the gap in this country. I know it is a huge gap. But the truth is Nora, I used to stand on the other side–growing up I thought George Bush was God’s gift to the earth and that nothing was more wrong than abortion and homosexuality. I feel ashamed of that now, but I honestly didn’t know any better and that was the “truth” I had been taught. And look where I’ve evolved to! Just a big-ole liberal lesbian living on the West Coast protesting Trump and marching for women’s rights. I know there are others over there who would do better if they knew better. I know there are others like me who can change. Maybe I can help them know better.

I am so excited for you and your SLAY goals this year. If anyone can SLAY, it’s you!! I’m happy to be here to encourage you along the way. I am glad we can encourage each other. With the breakup and the political clusterfuckness of this year so far, I am determined more than ever to be mindful of how I use my time and energy, how I treat myself, and to make the most of this year.

Love, Ruth

P.S. Send good thoughts into the universe for Lily when you think of it. She deserves all the good things this world has to offer.

P.P.S. THANK YOU FOR MY PUSSY HAT AND GAYEST PILLOW EVER. I love them so much. Everyone should buy things from your shop!!!

P.P.P.S. I compiled my list of intentions/things to work on this year too!

Whole lot of 2017

Dear Ruth:

I let a month pass before responding and I do not like it. Now there’s so much happening and I have to update you on it all.  First, I am very happy for you and Magpie and your desire to just be alone and cat all day. This is a very common symptom of being happy and not needing much.  It takes work to make balance between enjoying yourself and enjoying your partner within the constraints of whatever free time you have. How are things going with Lily? Did it get extra extra serious after you met the parents? How is she with the space giving?

I have all the questions.

If Mindfulness is your word for 2017 mine is :::drum roll::: SLAY. Yes Bitch! Slay like a Queen!!! I have a tendency due to my mental illness to just simmer in self pity and mope. I am trying to break these patterns, allowing myself to pity party for short periods of time to get it out of my system and follow it with a fair amount of SLAAAAYYYYY. I want to learn to stay gracious and grateful and enjoy what I have while waiting for what I want. It seems like medical school may not happen (for the second time FML) but I am applying to other programs and whatever I get into I need to SLAY.

Just Like you are taking good care for your body (are you? Are you?) I am trying to be more active. I enjoy cooking and I manage food better than I manage exercise. Plus the mental illness wants me to go from bed to couch and couch to bed. So exercise is the hardest part for me. Thankfully, we have each other to keep us in check. Key gave me a free Yoga month and I’m going to use it in March. Talking about Fresh Tracks, this year I am trying to live by the Wheel of the Year and plan my growth and activities with the seasons. January was raining here like crazy and I decided to hibernate. February I am doing a training for a Crisis Counselor Volunteer position and that will take lots of my time, but I am going to start becoming active again.

In March I will use my Yoga month and by April it should be warm enough for me to work out outside (which is literally walking two miles, dog in tow). Keeping busy with all the things help me cope with the waiting in regards to school and all the programs I have applied to. Something has to hit eventually and I will be able to move back East which I really want. I am a bit nervous about making such a transition alone but I trust the Universe everything will come out all right.

In the Polyamorous realms, I am still seeing Key, the guy from the summer. Things with Karina are going well, I think I need to end things with Sandra since that is not growing and we don’t really have the right kind of chemistry. Also, 3 baes is a lot. I do not recommend it.

I took a small trip to NY to recycle my tickets for when I was supposed to go for Cory’s birthday. I went to the Woman’s Right March and had a blast. It was great to see my friends and it really just made me sad that I cannot see them more often (which is why I want to move closer).  I saw Abby and we had a great time, we worked things out and I am getting better at accepting she’s friends with Cory even though my heart burns of jealousy. I also saw Cory at the march and it’s clear than whatever was there is not over. I am not sure if I am still in love with her but I am sure I don’t want to be with her. Maybe in a thousand years when she’s not longer a coward I’d consider it. For now, I keep my feelings to myself and focus on the people that want me in their life.

Representing the Resistance. Queer Resistance, Trans Resistance, Female Resistance.

2017 is going by so fast and with all the changes and all the political scares it’s going to be a busy year. I have chosen the causes I am going to focus on and narrowed it down to three: trans rights, reproductive rights and mental health stigma. Being part of every possible minority puts me in the midst of all intersectionality with very little privilege, however I am a cis gender woman and there’s so much privilege that comes with that. So I have decided to be a Trans Ally and I am learning to navigate that space. It’s hard when you have always been an insider to try and support a community in which you don’t belong. I have never experienced being an ally, I am enjoying the process and learning on the way.

This letter has been a crazy pointless rant but I do hope you enjoyed it. I will try to write again soon with a better program.

Please tell me everything about Lily and Magpie and your queer community in Portland so I can live the perfect lesbian life vicariously.

I love you like crazy

Nora.

PS: I no longer do a New Year Resolution. I make a list of things to consistently work on and here it is for 2017.