Monthly Archives: March 2016

Loved as a whole

Dear Nora,

I’ve been marinating in two pools of thought ever since I read your letter. 1) thinking about that “m” word…and your question “WHY?” and 2) thinking about relationships in combination with mental health issues.

Thank you for sharing about your depression with me. I’ve known people in the past who try to hide their struggle with that. But that just piles shame on top of depression, and adds another log on that fire of perceived failures.

I also appreciate you addressing the importance of a partner (or really, any close person in your life) learning how to best help you during a bout of depression. Mental health has been a recurring theme in my life without me being able to say I’ve personally struggled with it. Some of the most important people I hold dear struggle with mental health issues. I am certain I’ve been guilty of not handling it well at times, just trying to douse out depression with a big bucket of positivity. I’ve definitely learned over time that it’s more beneficial and comforting to them when I step into their pain with them instead of trying to pull them out of it.

There is so much shame and easy dismissal of those with mental health struggles.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve head a comment like: “I dated her, but she was crazy–seriously, she was bi-polar or something and needed to be on meds.”

I am disturbed by that statement on many levels. Mostly it’s just an ignorant and shaming thing to say–who are you to diagnose and prescribe treatment?

My sister is bi-polar, it’s something she wakes up every morning and tackles–the weather systems of moods sweeping through her days and nights. But there is almost no one I love as much as her. Not only is she incredibly lovable and unique and generous and brilliant, she is a kind and loving partner to the man she is dating. And has been completely open with him about her challenges.

Mental health is a very real thing. In fact, a very common thing (1 in 5 adults in the U.S. struggle with mental health). It can have a huge, crippling impact on a life, or it can hover in the background like a buzzing fly, or come and go in waves. But no matter what it’s presence is like, the person who has to deal with it is still 100% worthy of love and empathy and acceptance. And they may choose to seek medication and therapy, and they may not. Or they might find other ways to handle it (fried chicken and lavender are nice). But your job, as someone who loves them, is not to shame them, or tell them they’re “crazy”, or dictate what their treatment should be. It’s to support them. It does bring a unique set of challenges to romantic partnerships, but who doesn’t come with their own variety of challenges, insecurities, and struggles? I think the best way to “deal” is to just be as open and honest with communication as possible. You aren’t there to save or fix someone, your job is to love them, and love yourself.

*whew* Sorry that was just a bit longwinded. Obviously this is an important topic to me. Elise deals with some mental health issues as well, and has been upfront with me from the beginning about it. I have so much to learn still, but I know these challenges have already stretched me to grow in so many ways. You don’t love someone in spite of their issues, you love them as a wholeall the parts of them make up who they are.

Ok, since this has gotten quite lengthy, I’m going to save my response about marriage for the next letter. In the meantime, some questions for you, my dear. This is highly personal, but can I ask why you left your family in Colombia at age 16? That is such a brave and terrifying thought to me. Do you still keep in touch with them? Have you ever gone back? Are your closest friends with you in California? or still back in NY? Do you have people in your life who feel “permanent”?

P.S. Thoughts of marriage coming soon. Also, massages do sound nice as well.

Love, Ruth

P.P.S. Elise and I celebrated our one year anniversary on Vancouver Island, B.C. by staying at this amazing spherical floating treehouse! It was unforgettable and quite special. Pictures below, because I can’t help myself…

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Endings and beginnings.

Dear Ruth,

Happy International Women’s Day!!!! Being a woman it’s the biggest of blessings. I have followed the poet you recommended and it was the best idea. Thank you.

Happy Leap day!!! I am late af and no, I did not do anything interesting.

I am sorry I did not get back to you sooner. I have been in a weird mental space. Depression returns like a debt collector with a list of my failures and reads them out loud for me to enjoy. I cannot do much internally to fight it other than being grateful for what I have and sending love memos to myself. Externally I play music as loud as possible, listen to podcasts and knit to the sound of Netflix. Anything that is louder than my internal demons helps, temporarily.

And lavender, lavender helps.

I thought it was interesting you mentioned casual dating when I was talking about my Baes. Polyamory is so much more than that. I get bored of casual dating because I do not like hook ups. I rather invest myself in people and create meaningful bonds. Kind of like you, but with one more than one person.  I don’t ever want to feel responsible for fulfilling ALL of one person’s needs. That was so draining for me. Knowing than my partners have other partners that can provide things I lack lowers the pressure to be everything they need.

Although not all is well in poly-paradise. I recently broke up with Jayne due to some irreconcilable incompatibilities. I am a sarcastic smart-ass and she’s a Hippie. We could not see eye to eye in things that were actually important. Like depression. She tried to provide support for me in a way that I did not respond well to. At times she would just sit with me and bring me fried chicken. Those are the good days, that is the support I need. I need fried chicken in my life. On other occasions I would try to talk to her, like comment on what I was feeling and her response is always positive and optimistic which is the WORST thing to offer to someone in depression.

You cannot present happy alternatives to someone who is in pain. You must wait for the pain to pass and keep them IMG-20160209-WA0009comfortable, like an emotional hospice patient. Seeing others provide love and allow you to sulk (for short periods of time) is the best kind of support. A depressed person is negative and miserable and unpleasant and not by choice. In my case, it really helps to have a loved one sit  in the hole with me, it gives me strength to rise up. But if someone stays on top and throws me a rope, instead of going down the misery road with me for a bit, I feel judged.

Fortunately I have wonderful friends and one other partner who are being supportive. I threw a pity party with $5 wine and some take out and watched Mockingjay for the umpteenth time. It helped and thanks to that I am now able to reply to you.

Romantic dates with my ex, NO!!!! They are not romantic at all. They are fun though. And we try to stay in each other’s lives although it is hard. We know each other too much and tend to pick up fights rather often. I would say the thing that allows us to stay friends is humor. Not taking things too seriously. I make fun of her obsession with drums and the gym, she makes fun of my “bae collecting” and lack of exercising. She sends me snaps of her working out at gym, I send her one back of me knitting with the hashtag #workout. We realize that we were growing apart in general and we are better humans apart. She has more time to invest in things she loves and I have more time to NOT hang with her friends and actually make my own, which was really hard here in California.

I am happy about you and Elise’s year. What is the plan for the anniversary?

I hope that this “m” word you speak of is “massage”. I hope that you are giving each other deep tissue aromatherapy massages to deal with the relationship things. I hope this “m” word does not require a trip to the courthouse and a ring, because OMG that a scary thought.

As a person who was separated from her family at the age of 16, I have a hard time gathering the idea of permanence. The concept that someone stays forever, like your family is supposed to, has been broken for me and it no longer exists. When I think of long term relationships I think of stability and companionship for a long time (like ten years). When someone says things like FOREVER I tend to slowly turn around and then run as fast as my dog runs to steal the cat food from the neighbor.

So let me ask you this, what is it that you envision yourself getting from this union? What is it that marriage has to offer than a partnership (minus legal contract) cannot?

You talked in your letter about the both of you recently getting off the infatuation cloud and landing “here”. What is here? What’s in that place? Does it smell good? Is it comfortable? Is it sustainable?

I am full of questions today.   

I am going to buy some paint and a few lamps to re-decorate some rooms of my inner house that have not been used in a while. This transition is going to be rough but I am always ready for a challenge that promises a happy ending.

The West Hollywood Public Library is closing soon and I must send this letter.

Being in a library is such a wonderful feeling. Just look at this heart of books, reminds me of mine and yours. 

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Love,
Nora

International Women’s Day

Dear Nora,

In honor of International Women’s Day, I wanted to share this beautiful poem with you. (Also, speaking of poetry… if you are not following Nayyirah Waheed on instagram, do so immediately.)

THE JOURNEY

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice –
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do –
determined to save
the only life you could save.

-Mary Oliver, in “Dream Work”

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hiking in the Columbia River Gorge

Your friend, Ruth