Tag Archives: break up

Dusty Trails

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Dear Nora,

Ok, ok. I get it. You’re giving me a taste of my own medicine, waiting weeks and weeks to reply. It is not fun at all… I am in suspense woman! But for real, I know you’re super busy with all your new life stuff in Philly. I hope you are doing well and school is captivating and your heart is full and Toby is feeling ok these days.

I am writing you again because I can’t keep my shit together long enough to wait for a response.

This week I have found myself wishing that I was a polyamorous fairy like you. I feel like life would be so much easier if I didn’t feel compelled to commit to being with one person. And that when I found a really wonderful human who didn’t happen to be “it” for me I could still date them in good conscience.

But alas, my monogamous heart will not yield. And I hold on to hope that the person is still to come, but I am so discouraged, my friend.  I am getting too old to date just to date. Actually I don’t think I’ve ever really been good at that. (“We date to mate” was the mantra at my Christian college and unfortunately that seems to have stuck with me).

My gut weighed in at about 2 months with Hannah. Before I felt ready, it’s infuriating nuisance of a voice spoke up and informed me that as delightful as I found her to be, Hannah was not my match. Anxiety started to build as I recognized this, and she sensed something was off, so there was no point in putting it off the wretched conversation. We were both extremely frustrated with my gut and I cried more than you might guess a person in a two month casual dating situation would. But I had really grown to care about her, so much. And have known her for almost a year at this point. And most importantly, I want to keep her in my life. Once again, I have hopes of a friendship remaining after the pain has subsided.  It’s so hard to let go.

You know what we’re never taught when we’re told fairytales and love stories as children? That before prince charming, the princess may date some really great guys. That is never in the plot line. She’s either alone until she meets the one, or she dates someone awful and then meets the prince who is night-and-day-contrast, no-contest, way better. But real life is not often black and white like that. It is gray. And real life is Hannah’s and Lily’s and the most kind and beautiful souls I could ask for, treating me like a queen, and me having to move forward with a blind faith that when I meet the one I’m going to rest my heart with my gut will provide a confirmation, not a protest.

And so, I continue to trust my gut. God knows fucking why. But I don’t feel I really have much of a choice. I can’t live opposed to what I feel instinctively, can I? I’ve tried that and then the truth still kicks me in the ass.

It feels like the more I trust my gut, the more in tune with it I am becoming…

Being human is weird.

Back to square one. Back to forever alone.

I’ve been playing the lyrics to this song Lily introduced to me over and over again in my head:

I know I’m no doctor but if I was guessing I’d say it was just growing pains
And painful as growing is we can’t forget it’s our ticket to taking the reins
And we’ll all be okay, we’ll be okay
Dusty trails can lead you to a golden road, I’ve been told
…
It’s all in the manual that we’ve been writing, a future instructional guide
If we skip to add to our pre-fulfilled dreams, we’d be lost without our own advice
We’ll be alright, we’ll be alright
Dusty trails can lead you to a golden road, I’ve been told
…

I finally bought a tent that’s all my own

My heart is tired. I am spending lots of time in nature this summer to restore it. I am talking to my sisters and reading books and snuggling Magpie and continuing on this dusty trail.

Tell me something encouraging. Have you met your Anita Blake? Have good things and people been appearing in your life?

Write me! Love, Ruth

Gutted

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Dear Nora,

Thank you for writing, I have missed you. I’m afraid my updates for you are far from the “perfect lesbian life”. I ended things with Lily about a week ago and this week has been one of a heavy heart. It gutted me to end it, but I knew it was the right thing to do. Let me go back and explain.

Everything was moving along swiftly and swimmingly with Lily and I honestly could not ask for a better girlfriend. But a few months in, a pit arose in my stomach and a small voice told me “this isn’t it for you, Ruth”. Per my habit, I told the voice to shut up and continued. There was nothing “wrong” in our relationship! We literally didn’t even fight! It was peaceful and easy and fun–we cooked together and took time apart and did all the adulting things. More than that, I was myself, fully, while being in it. The voice didn’t know what it was talking about.

Lily, Magpie & Me being goofy

But it persisted, and it grew louder. It was my gut speaking up. Eventually I started to listen to it, and after fighting it for a while longer, I gave in to the Truth. I was so happy with Lily. But I was not in love. I didn’t have the deepest kind of feelings I needed to have. I have a huge place for her in my heart, and think the world of her, but I didn’t have the butterflies, the excitement, the hunger and fire I needed to make this a long term relationship. Not everyone needs those things… but I know that I do. I had excitement and hope at the beginning of where I pictured us going, but something was missing for me–I realized as we dated–and I knew I wasn’t going to get there. The realization gave me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Unfortunately when it comes to relationships, the long term ones have to be a unanimous decision made by your body, your heart, your mind, and your gut or else they’ll unravel.

And there seemed to be some divided opinions amongst my body, mind, heart & gut that were unwilling to be swayed. The only right thing to do next was to be honest with Lily and to let her go, so that she can find someone who can be in 100%, the way she deserves. I felt a sense of urgency to end it sooner rather than later, since I was the first person to hold her heart like that–I knew the longer I waited the more damage it could do.

That was some of the most painful news I’ve ever had to deliver. She was so upset Nora. So angry and hurt and betrayed and heartbroken. She felt it was so unfair that I never gave her a chance to weigh in on the decision to end the relationship. She said she should have gotten a chance to fight for it. But I didn’t feel right allowing her to fight for something my gut told me was not mine to keep. It’s so hard to explain to someone that nothing is wrong with them, and that in fact they’re the most wonderful person, but still, you cannot stay.

Trust that the most compassionate thing of all is to release those we don’t love hard enough or true enough or big enough or right. Believe we are all worthy of hard, true, big, right love.

–“Brave Enough”, Cheryl Strayed

I beat myself up for a while for not being able to love her the right way, for not being able to give back to her what she was giving to me, in the long term way she deserved. But then I realized how futile that is, and how unfair to myself. So I reframed my self talk:

“It’s ok Ruth. It’s ok if you can’t give everyone, everything they need. It’s ok that you tried to love her in that way and ultimately couldn’t give her that. It’s ok that you went in thinking it would go a certain way and it went another way. You tried. You gave it your best. It’s ok to love someone and then realize they’re not the one for you. It’s ok to walk away. Be compassionate, be respectful, be kind, be thankful. It’s ok to take care of yourself and do what feels right in your gut. I give you permission to love and not end up with someone. I give you permission to listen to yourself.  It doesn’t make you heartless. It doesn’t make you a quitter. It doesn’t make you a liar. It makes you brave. It makes you honest.”

I don’t regret dating her, even though it caused her pain in the end. I know she will heal. I think we will both be stronger and the love we shared will leave more happy memories than sad ones. I know I learned a lot and I think she did too. She gave me a new kind of hope, that it is possible to be free and myself and not people-please in a relationship. I don’t know why she isn’t mine for sure Nora, but I am trusting it. I am trusting that I will know why some day, and I hope she will too. I am also holding out hope that she will be able to come back into my life as a friend, when she is ready. She wants that, too. We have a special connection, and even though it’s going to be different than what I thought, I think there is still something very much worth saving there.

I watched the visions I had for us and our future go out of focus in my mind. And it was like watching a different life that might have been mine, but wasn’t meant for me. Something else is meant for me and I feel it coming. I feel like there is hard work ahead for me this year, I feel like there is something for me to do, to work on, to become. And I feel like I am supposed to do it on my own, and that I will be alone for a while this time. I feel this calm sense of peace, but also the weight of something coming. It may just be growing pains. Whether I like it or not, I am making room for something bigger in my life.

So much in so little time, already in 2017. What else will this year hold? The current political climate has been like a living nightmare, watching it unfold. It is terrifying. I have been heartened by the outcry of people, by the uprising of so many–joining  together to fight to keep progress in place that has already been hard fought, and to push on ahead. Marching in the women’s march. Going to protests. Calling our representatives. I am going to focus on a few areas this year as well. First and foremost, I have come to realize I can only be an effective advocate and ally if I am truly educated to the experiences of others. And there is no excuse for ignorance. So I’m working to seek out the stories of those who have been oppressed in our country. The list is long, but I think starting by understanding better the lives and experiences of women of color especially will help me be able to better fight for my sisters. I have also felt really compelled to better understand and advocate for climate justice, especially as it effects social justice.

I’ve just been asking myself “How can I amplify the voices of those who are silenced?” “How can I share the stories of those who’s stories have been lost or untold?” The first step is to seek out those stories and hear those voices.

I’ve been really in awe and inspired by some powerful women who have charged ahead through endless obstacles throughout their lifetime, recently I got to hear Janet Mock and Dr. Melba Beals speak. I also finished reading Sisters in Law, about the first women on the Supreme Court and the fight for women’s legal equality–Ruth Bader Ginsberg is my personal hero. It was well timed with the women’s march.

Thank you for my hat!!!

I think you are right to focus on a few core issues. So that is where I am beginning. In addition to women of color and climate + social justice, I also feel called to work on building the bridge over the gap in this country. I know it is a huge gap. But the truth is Nora, I used to stand on the other side–growing up I thought George Bush was God’s gift to the earth and that nothing was more wrong than abortion and homosexuality. I feel ashamed of that now, but I honestly didn’t know any better and that was the “truth” I had been taught. And look where I’ve evolved to! Just a big-ole liberal lesbian living on the West Coast protesting Trump and marching for women’s rights. I know there are others over there who would do better if they knew better. I know there are others like me who can change. Maybe I can help them know better.

I am so excited for you and your SLAY goals this year. If anyone can SLAY, it’s you!! I’m happy to be here to encourage you along the way. I am glad we can encourage each other. With the breakup and the political clusterfuckness of this year so far, I am determined more than ever to be mindful of how I use my time and energy, how I treat myself, and to make the most of this year.

Love, Ruth

P.S. Send good thoughts into the universe for Lily when you think of it. She deserves all the good things this world has to offer.

P.P.S. THANK YOU FOR MY PUSSY HAT AND GAYEST PILLOW EVER. I love them so much. Everyone should buy things from your shop!!!

P.P.P.S. I compiled my list of intentions/things to work on this year too!

Learn to live with it

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Dear Ruth:

I have previously taken the personality test and my assessment was always INFJ “Advocate”, this time around I got INTJ “Architect”, so maybe I am evolving, like the pokemons people keep trying to catch on the streets.

I am happy you got to see your family and spend time with them. I have not seen mine in a few years and It’s pretty sad. How we miss someone else’s life. This is one of the reasons I am trying to move back east. I am tired of missing. Missing people, missing events, missing occasions. I am in so many long distance relationships. It is not worth it. Life is meant to be lived surrounded by loved ones. But I still got one more year in California, until next fall when I begin medical school

This week was a turmoil for me. First, I walked into this quote on facebook:

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Not everything has an explanation

Not everything has an answer

Not everything makes sense

Not everything is fair

Not everything is logic

Learn to live with it.

And I went into crisis. Like crying without pants, don’t walk the dog, hopeless, sobbing crisis.

I have been trying so hard to make sense of my time in California, to find meaning in a time in my life that seems to have set me back instead of forward, a downgrade rather than an upgrade. I have gone over my decision making process over and over, looking for the fault and I could not find it: moving to California was a good choice at the time. I did not know shit was gonna hit the fan, then it was gonna start oscillating and it was going to end up in short circuit with burned shit all over my life. I took a step, and it did not work out. It does not mean anything.

According to my therapist, we can assign meaning to things. It sounds rather arbitrary but is the approach I am taking. I have forgiven myself for coming here and the mistakes that followed and I am grateful for all the good things I have had in California that I could not have anywhere else.

When it comes to me dating Trace, Cory says “Sometimes you date trash and there’s nothing you can do about itt”. I don’t consider Trace to be trash but our situationship was pretty much garbage. I saw my dog today excited about me putting food in the trash because he gets to eat it. He thinks the garbage is a box of goodies. That is literally how it was with me and Trace: me being happy for the little pieces of shit they threw my way. They finally decided to drop off my things and I said thank you and we had a positive interaction. They still want friendship (or so they say, I don’t believe them. I think they are trying to give me a consolation prize which I don’t need. I fucking lost) and I still said no and they seem to understand my reasons.

I am working on forgiving myself for staying in that pitiful situation for so long in the hopes that one day my gestures would be reciprocated. What a stupid bitch.

Crisis averted successfully by therapist.

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The Only True Love

I also heard from Jayne this week and she’s still hurt by my cruel mean comments but willing to try again for a friendship. I am willing to try again too, in August. July has been a month of no sex, no dating, no drama, etc. A detox period. And I want to keep it as that. I am setting boundaries for myself on how I relate to people and what I am willing to put up with vs what is not negotiable. It is taking me a while to figure it out but I am embracing the process.

 

Dogs are forever too

Dogs are forever too

Just like you, it seems. I 100% encourage to get a cat because 30th birthday plus forever alone seems like the perfect combination Maybe I’ll teach you to knit and then you would officially be cat lady: the best title anyone can ever aspire for. Is there a way you can get your old cats back? I think you having cats and establishing that as your primary commitment would be great. I am 100% committed to Toby. Like if my landlord says get rid of dog or move, Toby and I would be sleeping in a big pile of cardboard boxes. Bitches go and bitches go. But cats, cats are forever.

I am reading Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed and girl have I cried. My favorite quote so far is “Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal.” I love her voice.

BUT BUT have you heard of Trigger Warning? This books has a lot of sex, and abuse and incest and I needed a trigger warning. In a bad day, this kind of in-your-face approach to abuse can send a survivor spiraling down. I have a history of sexual abuse and though there’s no way for you to have known that, always err on the side of caution and write Trigger Warning around materials like this

My favorite part of being alone is not shaving. WHO DA FUCK INVENTED SHAVING? My legs are going through a devolutionary period in which they return to their more primate ancestors. They are so prickly my friends don’t wanna sit next to me. This is how I feel about it:

fucks

 

On Colombian poison: I TOLD YOU SO. My ex-gf started dating while we still lived together. I had to see her get all ready and stay home crying because I did not even have friends to go hang with. I do not think anyone can move on that fast. She waited only a month to make it official, what she wants? a fucking cookie? I really don’t see the point in dating that soon after a relationship and dragging poor innocent lesbians into your personal mess. Elise does not sound like she knows what she’s doing and since her actions and her words don’t match I am all for you taking space from her.  

Just keep in mind that her actions are not a comment on your person. Who you are and what you two had is completely independent from her current behavior. This is what I personally call the “whoring-out” post break up. I have done it at times. The sense of freedom that you can mess around is wonderful. It’s treating cancer with an analgesic but that’s her process. Let her have it. In the words of Neil Gaiman “Do your own time”.

I am so happy you met and Cory and AJ. I miss them terribly. I wish I was still traveling and seeing nature instead of adulting. You are more than welcome to visit Labor’s day weekend or whenever it strikes your fancy. Toby loves visitors and I would love to meet you and confirm that you are in fact a real human.

I must now go and type a statement for a gofundme page I am working on in order to afford my medical school applications. I’ll share when I am done.

I would like some updates about your forever-alone plan and if you are considering casual hook ups as a possible hobby. I need someone to live vicariously through.

Thank you for being a good friend,

Love 

Nora

The loss of it all

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Dear Nora,

Reading your letter tonight made me laugh and cry. Thank you for writing me, your words did my heart good. I will have a proper response for you soon. But in the meantime, I’m sharing a poem with you. I make zero claims of being a poet, but sometimes this is just how words present themselves to me and I like writing them down.

It’s ok to feel
Everything that demands to be felt.
breathe deeply
the loss
the loss of it all

of her.
of them.

My loves.
the arms of someone who loved me
nuzzling into the neck
of a girl who makes me laugh

it’s ok to hurt
this pain is a good,
pure thing.

it pools in the imprint of love.
big, beautiful impressions of love.

my heart still works!
it expands
it contracts,
and squeezes out every last tear

so that it can be filled up again.

But god
how the wringing of it hurts.

It hurts to have an empty hand.
it hurts to have my dear one,
that little loved person,
be here one day, and then gone

and holding someone else’s hand.

there is grieving when I think of what’s been lost
anger at the universe
for the jokes it plays on me,
the tide sweeping my treasures back to the sea

fear.
oh great, huge fear.
still and stoic as the vast night sky,
the deafening silence of the unknown.

and filled with stars of possibility

seemingly wonderful and at the same moment
terrifying in its immeasurability
each pinpoint of light in the dark
both potential joy and disappointment.

If fear and hope are two sides of the same coin
then we can’t spend either without the other.
so I release hope,
and with it, fear.
and hold nothing but the present as my own.

Be still, my soul.
In the pain of it.
In the present of it.

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Love, Ruth

Independence Day

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Dear Nora,

I’m here, I’m here! I’ve been too busy for my own good. I need to stop doing that. The past month has been filled with visitors and Pride stuff and re-doing my apartment and talks with friends and extra work stuff and spending time outside in the lovely Portland summer. But I am here.

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Left: Representing the choir in the parade, riding “bitch” on the back of my friend’s bike!; Right: My made-over room, complete with my handmade “headboard” and origami lights; Bottom: Vigil for the Orlando shooting victims

I am super jealous of your awesome roadtrip! We live on such a beautiful planet, I loved seeing your pics. I have kind of a joke with friends that when I’m overwhelmed by the natural beauty of a place I get almost angry. Not actually angry, but just… I almost can’t stand it. I want to capture it, and keep it, and bask in it. But there it stays, and all I can do is admire it and scream about how pretty it is and take pathetic iPhone pics and move along with my life. Needless to say, it’s been a problem ever since moving to the PNW. I enjoyed some outdoors while camping this weekend.

camping2

Oregon <3

I’m so, so glad you took that time (and money) for yourself. You deserve it! (Also, you deserve new manipulation-free heels… I found some online coupons for you.) Can I just say how proud I am of you for creating the space you need from Trace? Games with feelings suck ass. It seems like you’re doing a really good job of being deliberate about taking care of yourself. Going to therapy, thinking through the “whys” of everything that happened, and setting intentions for yourself, and surrounding yourself with good friends.

I want to hear more about Cory. In your previous letter you mentioned you find her condescending. That was pre-roadtrip/visit together and I’m curious if she still seems that way after spending more in-person time together? Also, it makes me really happy to hear that it’s a connection not based on anything you “offer”, but simply you just being you, and her recognizing your worth. Yay for mutual feelings!! Do you think it might go anywhere? Do you want it to? Also how can you stand being in love with someone and not be completely consumed by it? Teach me how.

Today is independence day, and I am celebrating it this evening by myself, in my apartment with the windows open and candles glowing. And instead of fireworks, I burned some sage and “smudged” my space to clear out negative energy. I don’t know what I believe about that stuff, but if nothing else, the ritual brought me comfort and it felt cleansing… so there’s that.

I’ve reach two conclusions over the past month: I’ve decided it’s about goddamn time for me to stop wishing that I was something I’m not, and I NEED to stop apologizing for who I am and what I need.

You were so very right in your assessment—that I am a hopeless romantic always seeking The One, in love with love. Optimistic, devoted, forgiving. Sometimes I am kind of ashamed of it. I wanted to try to deny that, to defend the parts of me that are “realistic” and “logical”. I want to act as though I don’t want the things that I really want, and convince the world that I’m not just some silly, naïve girl looking for “princess charming”. Elise said as much, that she’s dated more than me, that she has “seen what’s out there”, and that at some point you just find a pretty good fit and the rest is just hard work.

I know she’s probably right. I know everyone is probably right and I am foolish and dreaming of fairytales and what I seek isn’t real life. But none of that stops me from wanting it. And I’m not ready to give up on the hope that it exists for me.

I’ve come to realize in dating, we are all completely sucked in by different aspects of a relationship. For Elise, it was that initial connection and spark. For my sister, it’s the intellectual attraction of two minds. For another friend, it’s an intense physical chemistry. For another, it’s the mystery and intrigue of discovering all of another person. For me? I really do love being in love. I love absolutely adoring someone else, and having them feel that completely, and feeling loved and adored in return. That is my crack. And while I’m sure there’s some perfectly reasonable scientific explanation for these feelings, to me it feels like nothing short of a miracle.

There was a fog that lifted, when we ended things. And I had an actual moment where suddenly I could see myself, feel myself, and inhabit my body once again and I laughed out loud and said “oh, HERE I am.. I love this person!” I then proceeded to give myself a good talkin-to about how great I am and how much I love me. I had been so tangled up in anxiety and trying “make it work” and thinking what I could do to please her, that I lost sight of myself in the relationship. This is something I will be tackling with my therapist (did I tell you I am going to therapy, too?) I am quick to give up things for people I love, especially for the woman I fall in love with. Way too readily I give up both large and small things (ranging from food choices, to pets/kid/marriage prospects, from TV shows to daily schedules to place where we live), and make concessions for just about all of it to the point where I become just a sum of their wants. Elise called it martyrdom. But it’s not from a place of trying to make a show of giving stuff up. It’s just… it’s just how I am. I don’t think of it as a weakness, but rather, I think these “faults” are products of my strengths, I just need to learn to wield them in a way that’s healthier for me… in a way that doesn’t cause me to drown out myself.

Recently for work, as a team-building exercise we took these personality tests called strengths finder, and my top categories were Empathy (feel what others are feeling), Relator (develop deep and genuine relationships), Harmony (bring others together), Developer (see potential in others), Maximizer (encourage talents and strengths in order for others to ‘be their best’). While many people in my team had strengths like learning, achieving, deliberating, analyzing, communicating, ideation, thinking futuristically or strategically…etc., all of my traits just had more to do with relationship building than anything else, and building others and myself, up.

That is who I am. I am someone who believes in others, and myself, cares about and relates to them, and wants to all work together in peace and harmony towards our best individual potentials. It’s some hippy dippy shit and I fucking love it.

Elise used to refer to me as “Gandhi” or “Mother Teresa” or sometimes “Jesus”. She would jokingly ask me to show her my scar-free hands, just to confirm that I’m not the Messiah. Of course she meant it all as a joke. But it was honestly an issue in my last relationship as well. I hear things like “you’re too good for me” and groan. This sort of pedestal has been something I’ve experienced my whole life. Ruth. My name literally means compassion. It sounds like a good thing… and while it does have some perks, no one wants to be seen as a saint. Saints are boring and not fun at all. They are “holier-than-thou” and goodie two-shoes. And I am none of those things. I am fun and sarcastic and nonjudgmental and I can be a moody asshole and I am better than no one. But I am kind. I am concerned for others. I am giving, to a fault. I feel what others are feeling and I am moved by it. I don’t know how to be any other way. I think you can be all those things.

Those are my gifts. This is my light. I can either love it and shine it as it is, or be ashamed and try to hide it. I can either spend my life wishing I was a different way than I am, or I can embrace it. And fill my life with people who love and value these things about me.

Tonight I had a couple of invites to join in on 4th of July festivities. I was tired from camping and being around people a lot, and all I wanted was to stay home, take a bath, write you a letter and smudge my apartment. I took some grief for telling people I just wanted alone time tonight. My first instinct was to apologize for wanting alone time. I feared they’d think I was lame and they wouldn’t understand, and that they’d stop inviting me to things or feel sorry for me. Some of those things may have crossed their minds. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. I didn’t apologize, because I shouldn’t have to apologize for taking care of my own needs and doing what I like. I shouldn’t have to explain it. And if someone doesn’t “get it” or accept me, then they probably aren’t worth my time and aren’t a friend I really need.

I need to stop apologizing for who I am. I am an introvert, I need alone time. I am kind, and I like that about myself. It doesn’t mean I’m a goddamn saint. I believe in the love of soulmates, living life side-by-side, and I still hope to find it. I am a good thing. I have a lot of love to give. I see the best. I am what I am what I am.

I am energized being alone, and am venturing into the forever alone chapter with a desire to love and take care of myself better. And to make the most of this time, undistracted by couplehood. So that someday IF that person comes along, I’ll know better how to balance my needs with theirs, and no more of this “losing myself” bullshit. I turn 30 in November, and my intention is to not seek out anything serious for the remaining months of my 20s at the very least. I feel the most myself when I’m alone, it makes my soul stir. And based on previous experience, I don’t know how to be anything but serious when it comes to love interests… so perhaps that will necessitate no dating at all. Right now that feels completely doable… but doesn’t it always, until you meet someone who you “can’t live without”? I would be pretty content right now “whoring out” as you called it, but I seem to suck at that because I get a whole mess of feelings when I connect physically with someone.

Updates next time on project “fall out of love” and the effort to transition from dating to friends with Elise. Also, miniature elephant sanctuary.

Love, Ruth

P.S. This is the longest letter ever. I think we can count it as two.
P.P.S. I was about to apologize for all of my rants about refusing to apologize for who I am in this letter. But I’m not going to.
P.P.P.S. YES! Cory and AJ can stay with me! I agree that would be so epic. My place isn’t big but I think we could make it work. When?? Send me details via email.

Saved by my friends

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Dear Ruth, 

Your last letter was impressively thorough. Thank you for being so transparent. I feel like I got to see a different aspect of you. When juxtaposed with Elise and both of your preferences and likes/dislikes, it shed a light on your personality. I can tell you are the hopeless romantic always seeking The One, in love with love. 

I made my ex-bae Jayne read your letter because I can see her in your words. She also has moved from one relationship to the next and seeks that attachment. She’s optimistic and devoted like you. With this need for romance and sweetness and coming home to someone’s arms….etcetera. Novela stuff. 

I thought some of your incompatibilities with Elise reflected Jayne and I’s problems. My favorite was the one with the statement “People are doing their best”. No. they’re not dude. People are trying to get the most gain with the least resource investment in every possible situation. I am naturally distrustful, you seem naturally forgiving. Jayne is like that too. You two would get along. 

In this episode of my forever alone life, I have to say I am surprisingly well. I am not healed and I am not “over it” but I am okay. And I am happy to say I owe it 90% of it to my friends and 10% to myself. My friends have been so incredibly supportive. Jayne showed up here the same day to watch me cry. Another friend, Pixie stayed with me a few times because I just cried and cried some more. My friend Erin crafts with me (I knit, she chrochets) and we have been out to the museum and stuff lately. Even friends in New York City and Barranquilla have been always checking on me and asking how my heart is. I just feel so loved and cared for. 

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Proof that I am really a fairy: me and Erin on fairy form under a table. (Lies, It’s an exhibit at The Broad Museum)

I have been keeping busy. I am getting used to my new job and I am trying to work out (aka go for walk) when I come home. Trying to take care of myself and my dog takes a lot of energy so during the day I am all on ME mode.

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Found some train tracks and mountains in my work out walk the other day. So happy. I love Mountains and I love trains.

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Night time is another story. At night I miss Trace so hard. I have mental images of their eyes, looking at me with this depth as if they could read my mind. I miss the way they smell and this delicate way in which they held me. I miss having someone to say good morning and good night too. I am sad that all the dreams and illusions I had for us have gone down the drain with one quick flush. 

But I am also relieved. I feel freed from my own feelings. I don’t have to walk on eggshells, afraid to say the wrong thing. I get to be my wonderful self 24/7. Because my feelings were stronger I felt at a disadvantage. I was afraid to upset them because a fight could mean the end and I knew that ending was going to be easier for them. I am not proud of myself. I was playing this little bitch role that does not fit me. I saw all the signs but was too weak and coward to address the rotting of our bond. I did not want to accept it. I knew the wave of pain was gonna kill me. 

And it did. But I resurrected. 

I am focusing on being grateful for the short time I had them. I thank the universe because I was lucky enough to love this beautiful prince, to hold them and care for them. I got to kiss them, I got to call them mine. I learned from them. I am grateful for that. In the words of Alejandro Sanz “Ya no me importa si me quisiste por que en mis sueños yo te tuve. Ademas hay gente que no consigues olvidar jamas, no importa el tiempo que eso dure”. (It’s from a song called Eso) 

There are so many positive changes happening in my life after these last two difficult years in California. I finally have a good place to live, a job I wanted and friends. I cannot help but to count this break up like one more blessing. 

Last weekend, I tried reaching a hand to Trace and it was a disaster. We definitely speak different languages too and my attempt to get them to talk to me came off all blamy and shit. It hurt to realize that I am not in a position to listen to them objectively or be gentle. I considered a friendship for a hot second when my heart kept insisting that it did not want to lose them fully. But I lost them. Forever. It’s done. 

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Today was Gay Pride in Los Angeles. I marched in the parade with some friends, it was really amazing seeing all the homos unite. 

 

 

 

Since, I am now on post-break up forever alone mode. Which usually translate into extreme ME MODE. It’s perfect. I have been going out more, getting ready for summer, working out. I am a better person when I am alone. When my priority is myself, I do so much better. 

I am going to a short vacay this week and I am going to see Blondie. Can we call her Cory? I am finding Blondie condescending. I got to tell you that story one day. I am excited to travel and I am excited to see her. I considered canceling this trip because I want to be alone for at least 3 months, but like I only see her once maybe twice a year AND I have not had vacation in a while. I deserve fun and a break up should not take that away from me. 

I wonder why our lives are so parallel Ruth, why we continue to experience similar things with the weirdest timings.

What is your forever alone plan? Are you whoring out yet? (you know that post break up face when you wanna fuck around?) Have you thought about how long you want to stay single for? How is it going in the apartment alone? 

Sending you all the love and all the strength

Happy Pride 2016! My heart goes to Orlando. 

Love, 

Nora

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More proof that I am a fairy. Also, feel free to add me on snapchat: nomas616

 

 

 

The grass is not greener

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Dear Ruth, 

I am so incredibly sorry about your break up with Elise. I know how attached to each other you two are. Plus the fact that you lived together is such pain and now someone has to move out. I am so very proud of you for listening to your gut and going with it this time. It shows growth, it shows self trust. 

I am not sure where in your mourning process you are right now but I wonder how long before the break up you knew it was inevitable and the reasons why it came on. I need details girl. The devil is in the details. 

You definitely need an escape to Los Angeles and I can really use the company because guess what? Trace and I broke up. My pansexual polyamorous ass has joined the forever alone club and I am frustrated and heart broken and destroyed and beyond sadness. I am just sitting in the darkness of my lonely room thinking about the games life plays on me and hating myself for not running on time. 

I have known for at least three weeks that it was over. I knew when I told them that I was in love with them and they confirmed they were not any where near falling in love with me. I mentioned that I was worried that they were with me only buying time to be with someone they could fall in love with. Their response was: “What happens then?”. This was the stab. This confirmed my suspicions. I was a past time until the “real deal” came around or they just got over me. And they did.

We had not had sex in an incredibly long time, and we had been spending less and less time together. I worked so hard to gain their affection. I wanted to believe that sweet words and acts of kindness and good morning texts would do the trick. But no. It was all a figment of my imagination and I am back in square one holding my broken heart and wondering where to put it next to keep it safe. 

I don’t resent them as much as I would want to. I know they cannot force themselves to be in love with someone. And I am trying to forgive myself for letting this person break my heart TWICE. This is our second break up. The conversation I mentioned above happened on May 1st. That was our very first date last year, May 1st. I knew then that if they had known me for one whole year and they were not in love with me, it just was not going to happen. 

If there’s something that does not fail me is my intuition. I mourn things and people before the fall out happens. I see it coming and I want to deny it and I look the other way but oh I know is coming. Sometimes its a tsunami. One giant wave that destroys everything at once. This time it was a storm. A snow storm that slowly, quietly and beautifully burrowed my soul, cut off my power, isolated me and starved me. 

Trace wants to be friends. I said no. They asked why I had stayed friends with other people I dated, like Jayne and they could not. My answer was because I am not in love with my friends. And I stand by that. I want to purge my life of all the places and people and things that remind me of Trace. I don’t want to see or hear their name ever again. They do not get to be my friend. 

Friendship is a powerful force of salvation.

Friendship, in my humble opinion, is the only true love. My friends are my family. I am my best (and my worst) with my friends. Trace does not get to be my friend, they don’t get to keep the best of me after breaking my heart. They don’t get to string me along for a year to then realize it’s really not me. YOU KNEW IT WASN’T ME BITCH WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU START DATING ME AGAIN. Whether they meant to or not it’s beyond the point. I am in pain and they are enjoying their freedom. 

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!

This happened yesterday so the wound is pretty raw. But again, the stab happened weeks ago and I have been patching it up and hiding the blood spill. It’s clearly infected and I am using writing as my antibiotic. Letting all the pus out before my hearts gets gangrene and I need to amputate it. 

I have been making a garden for the fairies in my back yard. Here’s a picture of it. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am  sorry I cannot offer more support or more hopeful words. But my own pain is all I have.

One of the fairies has picked up the Ukelele

One of the fairies has picked up the Ukelele

Thank you being a friend.

 

Love,

 

Nora

 

Quietest Hours

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My dear Nora,

I hope you’ll forgive me for not writing. It hasn’t been writer’s block exactly. I’ve almost had too many thoughts and feelings to collect them for you.

Elise and I broke up a few days ago. The month leading up to it was filled with tormented days and nights and discussions and overwhelming fear and desire and thoughts and journaling and phone calls to friends and sisters and tears—all of the tears. It was full of sound and fury, but it was never anything bad. Somehow, in all of that, we still managed to convey how deeply we love and cared about each other. How special we considered the other. How remarkably grateful we were to have shared a path for a time.

And now I feel as though I’ve just stepped off of a boat and I’m still swaying with the feel of the water as I step onto dry land. And my legs are wobbly. And I can still smell the sea.

I wanted it to be her, Nora. I truly did, in my heart of hearts. And she wanted it to be me. That’s what made it all so tormented. We were both fighting it in our own way, while something inside us both was telling us we weren’t the best fit for the long term. But the moment it ended, something inside me confirmed that was the right thing, and I believe the same thing happened for her. That sense of peace is what’s sheltered my heart the past few days from the waves of pain that are sure to follow.

Coincidence that Elise bought this book 2 days before we broke up? I think not.

Coincidence that Elise bought this book 2 days before we broke up? I think not. Signs from the universe.

I hope more than anything we will find a way to hold on to each other in life in some capacity. I think we’re still in the shock zone at the moment, figuring out logistics and crap. And also, today is her birthday. Our breakup was mutual, but I still feel like a grade-A asshole for giving her a broken heart for her birthday.

WHAT IS THIS LIFE, NORA?

Thank you for continuing to write me in spite of my radio silence. I’m sure I will tell you more about it all in the coming months. Maybe I am due for an LA getaway and we can just hang out in the park and the California sunshine and play with Toby.

I’ve been reading in the quiet moments, the solemn hours, where everything goes on buzzing around me, exactly the same and completely different at the same time. It feels strange to me, and numb, and like a deafening quiet. I’m reading Rilke’s “Letters to a Young Poet”:

Keep growing, silently and earnestly, through your whole development; you couldn’t disturb it any more violently than by looking outside and waiting for outside answers to questions that only your innermost feeling, in your quietest hour, can perhaps answer.

and also:

“Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked in rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”

I am proud of something, Nora. That I did listen to myself, I did not ignore my gut on this. Even though it broke my own heart. And I don’t understand it yet or have the answers, but I am following my innermost feeling, and maybe living my way into the answers. And in the deepest mud of all the pain, there is a seed of something really good.

Now, about you, my dear. I’m so sorry I’ve neglected you, when you have so much going on. The medical school application process does sound incredibly rigged and infuriating. I want this to be one of those against-all-odds stories like a movie, and you are the underdog protagonist and we are all cheering for you. I am cheering for you. And I’m glad you’re not ready to give up. I want to hear about why you want to be a doctor. What type of medicine do you want to practice?

I’m going to write you a separate letter to discuss numbers 2-4. I have so many thoughts and feelings and questions for you. My schedule is also freeing up so I will have time to write you much sooner than my delayed responses of late. I love this space Nora, having this tiny little corner of internet to talk to you and maybe to others also. It’s nice to know someone is listening. I am always listening, even if I don’t respond for a while, just know that. <3

Love, Ruth

P.S. Congrats on A) NEW JOB! B) NEW APARTMENT! C) NEW HAIRCUT (you look adorable!). Write that personal statement lady, I know you’ve got it in you, put your heart on the page—you are a brilliant writer.

P.P.S. Please re-upload the photo from you letter (titled “dog nut”). I need to see it!

Endings and beginnings.

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Dear Ruth,

Happy International Women’s Day!!!! Being a woman it’s the biggest of blessings. I have followed the poet you recommended and it was the best idea. Thank you.

Happy Leap day!!! I am late af and no, I did not do anything interesting.

I am sorry I did not get back to you sooner. I have been in a weird mental space. Depression returns like a debt collector with a list of my failures and reads them out loud for me to enjoy. I cannot do much internally to fight it other than being grateful for what I have and sending love memos to myself. Externally I play music as loud as possible, listen to podcasts and knit to the sound of Netflix. Anything that is louder than my internal demons helps, temporarily.

And lavender, lavender helps.

I thought it was interesting you mentioned casual dating when I was talking about my Baes. Polyamory is so much more than that. I get bored of casual dating because I do not like hook ups. I rather invest myself in people and create meaningful bonds. Kind of like you, but with one more than one person.  I don’t ever want to feel responsible for fulfilling ALL of one person’s needs. That was so draining for me. Knowing than my partners have other partners that can provide things I lack lowers the pressure to be everything they need.

Although not all is well in poly-paradise. I recently broke up with Jayne due to some irreconcilable incompatibilities. I am a sarcastic smart-ass and she’s a Hippie. We could not see eye to eye in things that were actually important. Like depression. She tried to provide support for me in a way that I did not respond well to. At times she would just sit with me and bring me fried chicken. Those are the good days, that is the support I need. I need fried chicken in my life. On other occasions I would try to talk to her, like comment on what I was feeling and her response is always positive and optimistic which is the WORST thing to offer to someone in depression.

You cannot present happy alternatives to someone who is in pain. You must wait for the pain to pass and keep them IMG-20160209-WA0009comfortable, like an emotional hospice patient. Seeing others provide love and allow you to sulk (for short periods of time) is the best kind of support. A depressed person is negative and miserable and unpleasant and not by choice. In my case, it really helps to have a loved one sit  in the hole with me, it gives me strength to rise up. But if someone stays on top and throws me a rope, instead of going down the misery road with me for a bit, I feel judged.

Fortunately I have wonderful friends and one other partner who are being supportive. I threw a pity party with $5 wine and some take out and watched Mockingjay for the umpteenth time. It helped and thanks to that I am now able to reply to you.

Romantic dates with my ex, NO!!!! They are not romantic at all. They are fun though. And we try to stay in each other’s lives although it is hard. We know each other too much and tend to pick up fights rather often. I would say the thing that allows us to stay friends is humor. Not taking things too seriously. I make fun of her obsession with drums and the gym, she makes fun of my “bae collecting” and lack of exercising. She sends me snaps of her working out at gym, I send her one back of me knitting with the hashtag #workout. We realize that we were growing apart in general and we are better humans apart. She has more time to invest in things she loves and I have more time to NOT hang with her friends and actually make my own, which was really hard here in California.

I am happy about you and Elise’s year. What is the plan for the anniversary?

I hope that this “m” word you speak of is “massage”. I hope that you are giving each other deep tissue aromatherapy massages to deal with the relationship things. I hope this “m” word does not require a trip to the courthouse and a ring, because OMG that a scary thought.

As a person who was separated from her family at the age of 16, I have a hard time gathering the idea of permanence. The concept that someone stays forever, like your family is supposed to, has been broken for me and it no longer exists. When I think of long term relationships I think of stability and companionship for a long time (like ten years). When someone says things like FOREVER I tend to slowly turn around and then run as fast as my dog runs to steal the cat food from the neighbor.

So let me ask you this, what is it that you envision yourself getting from this union? What is it that marriage has to offer than a partnership (minus legal contract) cannot?

You talked in your letter about the both of you recently getting off the infatuation cloud and landing “here”. What is here? What’s in that place? Does it smell good? Is it comfortable? Is it sustainable?

I am full of questions today.   

I am going to buy some paint and a few lamps to re-decorate some rooms of my inner house that have not been used in a while. This transition is going to be rough but I am always ready for a challenge that promises a happy ending.

The West Hollywood Public Library is closing soon and I must send this letter.

Being in a library is such a wonderful feeling. Just look at this heart of books, reminds me of mine and yours. 

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Love,
Nora