Dear Ruth:

I have previously taken the personality test and my assessment was always INFJ “Advocate”, this time around I got INTJ “Architect”, so maybe I am evolving, like the pokemons people keep trying to catch on the streets.

I am happy you got to see your family and spend time with them. I have not seen mine in a few years and It’s pretty sad. How we miss someone else’s life. This is one of the reasons I am trying to move back east. I am tired of missing. Missing people, missing events, missing occasions. I am in so many long distance relationships. It is not worth it. Life is meant to be lived surrounded by loved ones. But I still got one more year in California, until next fall when I begin medical school

This week was a turmoil for me. First, I walked into this quote on facebook:

Not everything has an explanation

Not everything has an answer

Not everything makes sense

Not everything is fair

Not everything is logic

Learn to live with it.

And I went into crisis. Like crying without pants, don’t walk the dog, hopeless, sobbing crisis.

I have been trying so hard to make sense of my time in California, to find meaning in a time in my life that seems to have set me back instead of forward, a downgrade rather than an upgrade. I have gone over my decision making process over and over, looking for the fault and I could not find it: moving to California was a good choice at the time. I did not know shit was gonna hit the fan, then it was gonna start oscillating and it was going to end up in short circuit with burned shit all over my life. I took a step, and it did not work out. It does not mean anything.

According to my therapist, we can assign meaning to things. It sounds rather arbitrary but is the approach I am taking. I have forgiven myself for coming here and the mistakes that followed and I am grateful for all the good things I have had in California that I could not have anywhere else.

When it comes to me dating Trace, Cory says “Sometimes you date trash and there’s nothing you can do about itt”. I don’t consider Trace to be trash but our situationship was pretty much garbage. I saw my dog today excited about me putting food in the trash because he gets to eat it. He thinks the garbage is a box of goodies. That is literally how it was with me and Trace: me being happy for the little pieces of shit they threw my way. They finally decided to drop off my things and I said thank you and we had a positive interaction. They still want friendship (or so they say, I don’t believe them. I think they are trying to give me a consolation prize which I don’t need. I fucking lost) and I still said no and they seem to understand my reasons.

I am working on forgiving myself for staying in that pitiful situation for so long in the hopes that one day my gestures would be reciprocated. What a stupid bitch.

Crisis averted successfully by therapist.

I also heard from Jayne this week and she’s still hurt by my cruel mean comments but willing to try again for a friendship. I am willing to try again too, in August. July has been a month of no sex, no dating, no drama, etc. A detox period. And I want to keep it as that. I am setting boundaries for myself on how I relate to people and what I am willing to put up with vs what is not negotiable. It is taking me a while to figure it out but I am embracing the process.

 

Just like you, it seems. I 100% encourage to get a cat because 30th birthday plus forever alone seems like the perfect combination Maybe I’ll teach you to knit and then you would officially be cat lady: the best title anyone can ever aspire for. Is there a way you can get your old cats back? I think you having cats and establishing that as your primary commitment would be great. I am 100% committed to Toby. Like if my landlord says get rid of dog or move, Toby and I would be sleeping in a big pile of cardboard boxes. Bitches go and bitches go. But cats, cats are forever.

I am reading Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed and girl have I cried. My favorite quote so far is “Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal.” I love her voice.

BUT BUT have you heard of Trigger Warning? This books has a lot of sex, and abuse and incest and I needed a trigger warning. In a bad day, this kind of in-your-face approach to abuse can send a survivor spiraling down. I have a history of sexual abuse and though there’s no way for you to have known that, always err on the side of caution and write Trigger Warning around materials like this

My favorite part of being alone is not shaving. WHO DA FUCK INVENTED SHAVING? My legs are going through a devolutionary period in which they return to their more primate ancestors. They are so prickly my friends don’t wanna sit next to me. This is how I feel about it:

 

On Colombian poison: I TOLD YOU SO. My ex-gf started dating while we still lived together. I had to see her get all ready and stay home crying because I did not even have friends to go hang with. I do not think anyone can move on that fast. She waited only a month to make it official, what she wants? a fucking cookie? I really don’t see the point in dating that soon after a relationship and dragging poor innocent lesbians into your personal mess. Elise does not sound like she knows what she’s doing and since her actions and her words don’t match I am all for you taking space from her.  

Just keep in mind that her actions are not a comment on your person. Who you are and what you two had is completely independent from her current behavior. This is what I personally call the “whoring-out” post break up. I have done it at times. The sense of freedom that you can mess around is wonderful. It’s treating cancer with an analgesic but that’s her process. Let her have it. In the words of Neil Gaiman “Do your own time”.

I am so happy you met and Cory and AJ. I miss them terribly. I wish I was still traveling and seeing nature instead of adulting. You are more than welcome to visit Labor’s day weekend or whenever it strikes your fancy. Toby loves visitors and I would love to meet you and confirm that you are in fact a real human.

I must now go and type a statement for a gofundme page I am working on in order to afford my medical school applications. I’ll share when I am done.

I would like some updates about your forever-alone plan and if you are considering casual hook ups as a possible hobby. I need someone to live vicariously through.

Thank you for being a good friend,

Love 

Nora