Monthly Archives: October 2016

Tu comenzando y yo terminando…

Dear Ruth,

I know this letter is very close to the last one and I know the last one was all gloom doom. I apologize for all the gloom and doom but that is my life: all madness and melancholia.

I am writing this because I wanted to update you on a situation I am having. I am going to New York tomorrow and I don’t want my post-NY letter to be about Cory at all.

The gist of it all is: I am not seeing her. I am going to NYC on the weekend that she’s free and I planned around her schedule in order to spend as much time as possible together.

And then I lost my shit.

I have been fragile emotionally lately, which pulls me towards withdrawing and staying in my safe zone. Cory is extremely busy with school and has no time whatsoever to communicate regularly with me (or anyone for that matter). I want her to be emotionally available at the very least on a friendship level, so I feel somehow connected to her even though the distance is imminent. She’s not okay with that. She thinks her making me a priority means that we would be on a long distance relationship (which she does not want). is that what it is? Because if that is the case, I am on like 3 LDRs right now with friends (you included) I don’t see regularly but who are available to me and I to them to the best of our abilities and circumstances.

I have been wanting to fall out of love with her for as long as I have been in love with her. Especially because of the distance and the impossible nature of our bond. I have never been able to. I have never been in a place in which I felt strong and capable enough to say aloud to myself that I can move on from her. Until the other day, when something just snapped. Maybe my heart is so beyond tired of loving emotionally unavailable people; maybe I am done being open and caring and I am ready to be a bitch; .

maybe the pain of loving her and not having her became so intense that it actually broke me.

I don’t recognize myself right now. I have prayed so hard for these feelings to go away but I have never had the actual willpower to push her away or move away from her. I had kind of accepted that she was going to be part of my heart and my life permanently and regardless. Until now. I told her I did not want to see her during trip and I think we have cut contact.

I feel both devastated and proud of myself. I feel empowered by my decision, no longer drifting in an ocean of emotions. I finally let this ship wreck and all the feelings will eventually drown on their own.

There will be pain, tears, regret, but that is all 2016 has been so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I am heading to New York City tomorrow. Hoping to make what little time I have  with my friends and family count.

I’ll send you a postcard.

Thank you for being a friend and for being emotionally available.

Love,
Nora

Oh no, you didn’t.

Dear Ruth:

WTF. WTF. WTF.

Two letters ago you had just fallen out of love with Elise and now you are ready for  a relationship? Six weeks yo, six weeks to your birthday! You almost almost made it. It was so close ugh. Why?

Actually, don’t answer that. I know why.

I want to be happy for you Ruth, but I am afraid. I must admit this does feel different in many levels: you took your time getting to know her, you are not compromising your needs, she’s willing to wait for you, etc.  You have what polyamorous people label as NRE: new relationship excitement. When you start with someone and you are full of sparks and roses. I know all about it. I am curious to see how this develops and how it’s going to change you.

I am excited for your excitement and I think I found this Lily on the Instagram. I look forward to following this new romantic adventure of yours.

On my end, I am struggling. I am struggling with a lot of things.

I was struggling at work and I advocated for myself, which helped in different ways especially in keeping me busier. Which in turn, keeps me away from my email and less stressed about school stuff. On that end, Mars has spoken and his words were not kind. I have gotten two rejections and no interviews as of today. I must say that is rather early in the cycle (most schools interview into March) but I submitted my app sooooo early. I am struggling to remain patient, but at least the days are going faster now.

This takes me to the next struggle: Plan B. I need to figure out what happens if I don’t get into Medical School and where I will be in a year. I have like 20 ideas but I also have no idea. I wanna be near Cory but I also don’t want to make life decisions based on feelings. This in turn, leads me to my emotional struggles: I’m unhappy with my romantic situation. Key and Princess are wonderful people and we’ve been having great times. We actually went camping this weekend.

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I am unhappy because, first  Princess is not really gay. She identifies as heteroflexible and I am not all that sure how flexible, flexible is flexible. I miss being wanted by a woman and a woman’s touch. We talked and we are going to be friends and continue to date Key, Second and most annoyingly: BABIES. My body decides that once a month I’m at risk of getting pregnant. It’s so stressful to have to worry about contraception  Honestly, the idea of accidental pregnancy bothers me a lot. There’s suddenly a human growing inside of me without my consent? Ugh.

This feels way too familiar. I become discontent with people so quickly. My ex used to say I have chronic dissatisfaction. I probably do.

ON TOP of struggling with my California romances, I am struggling with the Cory situation. I am afraid I am getting lost in the sauce and is clouding my judgement. I want to be with her, I wanna be present, I want to be close. But at the same time, I don’t wanna make big decisions based on another person. I already moved across the country for someone once. I wanna go where the next step on my career is, not wherever my significant other lives. .

It’s hard to live missing people and that is how the last 13 years of my life have been. Never fully at home, always longing, always carrying a burden of nostalgia.

I am unhappy with Cory because she’s going to be in NYC for the next 4-5 years if not more. She’s living the dream and if I move there she’ll have everything she’s ever wanted. Me, in other hand, I am not sure if I can live with the uncertainty of whether she would ever do something that big for me. I have to realize that, sadly, I don’t trust her.

screenshot_2016-10-09-01-41-40Which leads me to the last of the struggles for today: Dating PTSD. Ever since Trace, I cannot trust anyone. I don’t believe anyone who says they love me or that they care about me. I don’t know if Cory seriously thinks of me as partner material (this has a history though). I don’t know how I am going to be able to tell someone lying anymore, I thought I was good at that. Until this person dragged me along for a year pretending to care and I swallowed it whole. It makes me distrust people, it makes me wanna never be intimate with someone. I feel like I naked my soul to a person and they took a picture of it and posted it on facebook. They totally missed the point and violated my heart in the process. I have worked so hard in the healing process but it has been five months and I am exhausted. I don’t wanna do emotional work anymore, I just want to chill and knit all the things.

My best friend Abby was the first to point out how affected I still am by that last break up, how scarred. And I see it and it hurts. I made a mistake, I did not protect my heart, I gave myself away, I wasted a year of my life, I understand it, I accept it, I forgive myself for it.

WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO DO TO FEEL LIKE MYSELF AGAIN?

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I read this poem by Wanheed and it touched me. The opposite happened to me with Trace: I am darker, more jaded, less human. I was not loved. I was used. 

Not all is gloom and doom though. I am actually visiting NYC in a couple of weeks. Gonna see my friends, cousins and Cory of course. I am very excited and counting the days back.

I hope this letter was not too decrepit for you. I did not want to ruin your happiness with my sorrows but this is my reality.

Please have all the love and magic with Lily, you deserve it. Make sure you have enough for the both of us.

Love,
Nora

PS. Seriously though WTF?