You insist on being MIA and I just don’t know what to do with myself. I am starting to think that your letter got lost in the mail. The wires got crossed and it landed in Antarctica or anywhere that’s not here. I can wait for you to respond but I rather much not. Especially since I sat here all set up to write my personal statement for admission to graduate school and so far I got nothing.
Therefore, I will write to you and vent about a few things that have been on my mind:
This application process is freaking terrible. I applied once and I failed. The following year I could not apply because I had some immigration issues going on. So this is my last chance to apply without re-taking the MCAT and I am freaking out. I am competing with a bunch of privileged people whose job so far has been to get good grades. A lot of them live and breathe to become competitive applicants. That has not been my life. I am alone, I had to work, I had to pay rent.
I could not just volunteer a thousand hours in a lab or a clinic. I could not just study away as I would have liked to. A part me knows I don’t have the numbers to chase this dream and that as an immigrant this is aiming pretty high. But the fact of the matter is that I don’t see myself doing anything else, so I am going to keep trying until I get into medical school or become so disillusioned with this dream that it’d wither away on its own.
2. Emotionally unavailable people:
I have come to realize that I have been in love mutually only once and that was with my ex. I was in love with her and she was in love with me. This exhilarating experienced clouded my judgement and lead me to make crazy decisions.Some of them good, like coming out of the closet and committing to a relationship. Some of them bad, like moving in together too soon and moving to another state.
I have the terrible habit of falling in love with emotionally unavailable people. This is a painful measure of self protection but it’s killing me. Trace and I are in such different places emotionally, I know they don’t feel about me as strongly as I feel about them and honestly, I doubt they want to. Here’s the catch though: they treat me well. They are honest, they don’t give me shit or drama for anything. We have a pretty chill relationship and I have been happy so far.
But then my brain turns on, and starts thinking. Thinking is DA WORST. I realized that although they love me they’re not in love with me and this imbalance hurts. It pains me that their heart does not jump like mine, like they don’t yearn for me, that they are not fulfilled with me the way they have with other partners in the past. It makes me insecure. It makes me jealous of ghosts, of people in their past that have had what I want: Trace’s devotion. I have seriously considered ending it but I literally do not have a reason other than “They’re not in love with me” I cannot punish them (and myself) for something that is outta of our control. It’s stupid.
The only thing more painful that the emotional imbalance would be to not have them in my life at all. I am trying to live the moment, I am trying to tell myself that maybe one day they’ll wake up and realize I am FUCKING WONDERFUL. That day may or may not come, maybe some other bitch shows up and they think SHE’s fucking wonderful. I actually brought this up, and their reaction was “What happens then?” UGH instead of “What are the chances of that?” They’re not the best at reassuring me TBH.
3. Vicious Cycles
I am seeing seeing someone this summer that I’ll refer to as Blondie. Blondie is the person I cheated on my partner with. I have feelings for her STILL. TWO YEARS LATER. It is one of those situations in which we did not get a chance to be together because I moved to California so I keep wondering what would have happened if…I know the answer though: It’d be a fucking disaster. We are too different. She’s semi closeted, monogamous, privileged, seven years younger, her family hates me because I “turned her gay” (ha, ha not sorry I am hot).
But I hold on to this illusions, one day…It’s part of what I was saying before: Going for emotionally unavailable people. How do I stop?
I love Trace. I want to be with them for a while. But there’s life and reality and medical school and distances. I realize that i don’t want to fully commit to anyone since my ex because I find that I do not have healthy boundaries. I am impulsive and extremist I don’t measure myself out. I jump. I don’t want to do that anymore.
I resent my ex extremely for making me move here. Moving here has delayed my dreams, it created issues financially and professionally for me. That’s not even mentioning the decay of my mental health and surviving without a support system. I no longer dwell on this though, I have made the best of my time in California. But the resentment is still there.
I am taking my time with relationship commitment. Focusing of getting into school and then, once I know where I will be the next four years of my life I can commit to a place and a person, hopefully Trace. There’s residency to worry about but that’s way too far away in the future.
5. Personal statement
Why wont this just write itself?
I really hope you are doing well and you are just busy with life and your wife. I appreciate having this space to vent and communicate with you and whoever else has been reading this letters. Makes me feel like my voice is heard.
My schedule is freeing up. The last few months I have been working full time, shadowing a doctor, volunteering downtown and volunteering in research. Had to take a leave of absence from my virtual crisis volunteering. I am returning to that in June, or as soon as I can write this personal statement thing. I am done doing volunteer research and shadowing. So things are winding down.
I start a new job next week that I am extremely excited about. Between the new job, the new apartment and some plans to travel this summer I am really really grateful to the Universe for all the gifts it has granted me this year.
I hope you don’t have a writer’s block as big as mine.