Tag Archives: self-love

Growing roots & embracing imperfections

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Dear Nora,

It feels like a strange dream now that I spent a couple of days with you. Like, I’m not quite positive it was real life. Fortunately I have proof in form of photos and souvenirs. Thank you for welcoming me into your real life world, even if I could only be there for a moment. Dancing salsa (or at least my best attempt), eating breakfast with you and your friends, singing along with Jayne playing the ukulele, laying on the beach with you and Princess and Key. Scratching Toby’s belly and seeing your current knitting projects and helping you with the fairy garden. Snuggling and watching Friends, as though it were just an ordinary thing for us to do on any ‘ole weekend. 

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You are special to me, Nora. That’s why I teared up, a few minutes before I left you (I warned you I’m a big cry baby!). I just love you, and think you’re wonderful, and want you to have all the good things in life. That’s what I was thinking in that moment, but did not say out loud.

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In only a short 3.5 months or so since becoming single, I feel like there have been huge shifts happening within myself.

Being untethered is glorious. I feel bigger, I feel whole, I feel like I’m getting to truly know myself in a new way. Life feels richer.

Do you know what I mean? It’s like, food tastes more flavorful, and the scenery looks more beautiful—summer has been good to me. I’ve been trying new things, going new places, revisiting assumptions.

The best part of all, other than strengthening my relationship with myself, has been enriching other relationships in my life. I’ve been carving out more time for existing friends—and able to invest more into new and growing friendships. I feel like, for the first time since moving to Portland, I am actually seeing some of the roots sprouting from the seeds I’ve planted and finding my people.

Part of my internal shifting also has been falling out of love with Elise. I told you a little about that this weekend. But I am happy to report here that I am no longer in love with her! Woohoo!!! I know it happened gradually, but honestly… it was like I woke up one morning and all those feelings were gone (albeit after good talks with friends, internal processing, time and space, dating new people…etc.). I can see pics and feel no jealousy, I can see her in person and feel in complete possession of myself and my feelings. I love and care about her, yes. But the “in love” feelings are gone, rose colored glasses are removed and compulsion to please her dismantled. I’m not quite ready to be her friend though, and she asks when I will be ready. The truthful answer is, I don’t know. And I don’t have to know right now.

I am 2 months out from my 30th birthday, and doing my (mostly) best to stay on track with being single for the remainder of my 20s. I spent almost a month dating multiple ladies. It was really fun initially. I felt free, and I was having fun sex and cute dates. But within a few weeks, the feelings started to get all up in my business. I was consistently dating two very cool girls, Hannah and Sam. Hannah is total introvert, cutie pie, sweetheart. Artistic and nerdy and a midwestern gal like me who loves cats and bakes and does design and went to a christian college like I did. Essentially, it was a bit like dating myself. Which, I’ll admit, I liked much more than I expected. I’m not used to dating anyone quieter than me! Or more thoughtful than me. I was totally getting some feels for her… and I could see she was getting them for me as well. 

Sam is a very cute, charming, and nerdy mischief-maker who is a sarcastic smartass with a heart of gold. She talks quite a bit and wears all her feels on her sleeve and sometimes reminds me of a frazzled professor in the most endearing way possible. She seems to have her heart in the right place and her head on straight. We have extremely different backgrounds in every way… she’s an only child, raised mostly just by her mom on the liberal west coast, and jewish, as opposed to me… big family, conservative midwest, christian as fuck. I like that we are different, but somehow seemed to have arrived at a lot of the same conclusions and values. I very quickly developed a crush on her, and she on me.

All of that sounds well and good. But I was getting more and more stressed out. And even though both of them knew I was dating other people/someone else, I still started to feel perplexed trying to juggle all of the developing feelings and managing my time and energy spent with both of them. It was draining me and ultimately I concluded I just couldn’t handle continuously dating two people. I didn’t want to necessarily be exclusive with either of them, but I knew I couldn’t keep up pursuing them both without driving myself into the ground and causing someone pain in the end. 

I’d like to say the solution was very apparent to me, but it was not. I was surprisingly torn after only this short time (yet another sign that I needed to make a decision before any attachments grew). Ultimately I just tried to follow my gut and pursue the best fit for where I’m currently at… and I ended things with Hannah, and still am continuing to see Sam. I believe it was the right call for me…but I think about things like “I picked the girl who’s more traditionally ‘my type’ (extrovert, funny…etc.), is that good or bad or just the reality of life/attraction?” “Is there a legitimate reason why I wouldn’t want to be with someone so similar to myself?” “Can I keep feelings and sex separate?” I’m still working on those answers. 

Going forward, my focus right now is dating someone while also being deliberate about meeting my own needs and not giving up my things for someone else. Not being her girlfriend, not even being exclusive (aka “the good wife”) … that role is so comfortable for me… I need some more time outside of it still, I feel that. It’s a push and pull. She wants things, she hopes for things. I like her and per my usual—I feel compelled to people please. But as much as she wants attention, she also seems on board with me doing me (which she damn well better be!), and doesn’t push my boundaries in an unhealthy manner. 

As we move forward, I’m just doing my best to keep in touch with my own needs. I think possibly at some point it could mean not dating at all again. I’ve been feeling an itch for that this week and I’m not quite sure why. I’m trying to avoid making knee-jerk reactions based on feelings, while still listening to my gut. 

Something that’s been on my mind since leaving you has been being comfortable with imperfections. I really enjoyed some of the conversations we had. Even small things that you pointed out—like how I always use recipes all the time when I cook, but if I’d like to learn to cook without needing that, being willing to wing it and try recreating things I’ve made before is a good way to start. Even though it might not always turn out, I will learn from it! I loved how you said your favorite part of your fairy garden was that it exists. It’s not the ultimate Pinterest version, but it’s real and it’s growing and it brings you joy. But I think the thing I appreciated the most was when you were talking about everyone’s obsession with having “no regrets”. And how you’ve accepted that it’s ok to have regrets. I have so little patience or compassion for myself when it comes to imperfections. I regret some things from my relationship with Elise. Not that I would have done differently, not that it wasn’t something I needed to learn from or go through.

Some of my decisions are imperfect parts of me.

But they’re parts of me, nonetheless, and I need to love and accept them too. I’m someone, who when I say or do something that feels out of line with my beliefs I protest “that’s not who I am, that’s not me!” But that’s just the thing, those parts ARE me. I can’t only claim the good things. I am not actually me without my imperfections, regrets, mistakes. 

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I’m not sure if that’s making much sense or not. All that to say, thanks for the talks and the time spent. I hope it’s not another five years until I see your face again. But in the meantime, thank you for writing and being a good friend. 

How have things been this week? How are your dates and baes? Have you been out looking for some new good friends, or taking some needed “me” time? Any updates on medical school applications/interviews? 

Love, Ruth

P.S. I love that now I’ll hear your accent when I read your letters!!!

Knowing your worth

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Dear Nora,

You never need to apologize for writing me about your hard days. Of course don’t take it down! For two reasons: one—it is real life and that’s what we’re writing about, and two—I’m going to have those days too, and I want to feel free to include them in my letters. Even when things are dark and not a sliver of light shows through.

I knew you had asthma as a child, but I had no idea to what degree it affected your life and family and childhood. I can’t imagine the memories that come flooding back when you get sick with something like bronchitis. Is that a part of why you are going to become a doctor? Or your experiences as an immigrant outside of the healthcare system?

You said “The homelessness that I try so hard to evade, instead invaded me.” While that is devastatingly poetic, it is also heartbreaking. I’m so proud of you for calling your friends, even if they’re not emergency contacts, even if they’re not “home”. They’re there. And “there” goes a long way. I think our lives our essentially just a story about the people who show up. You’re such a beautiful human being my dear, I have no doubt that the wonderful vibes you’re putting out into the world are going to attract some equally amazing humans. But I know that’s now for you, so it’s not helpful. I’m so sorry you’re hurting.

Thank you for spoiling me with two letters and patiently waiting for me to reply. I was telling my friend it’s like Christmas morning whenever I get a new letter from you. I am so impressed by your celibacy and crafting! The boxes are beautiful!

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Camping up in the Olympic National Park this past weekend with friends (including this cute doggie Jazzy!)

 

This is going to sound obnoxious: but it’s an adjustment to not have a partner to have sex with. As a serial monogamist, I’ve just taken for granted that I can have that on the regular. Thus, the online dating. Here’s an update on what I’ve learned so far:

  1. I’m actually not bad at dating. I always thought I would be awkward and shy, but it turns out, after I get over the first few minutes of nerves, I am a great date (brushes off shoulder). I am good at asking questions and carrying conversation, and I laugh a lot and I think even flirt? Still working on that part. I have genuine interest in lots of things and I’m happy with who I am and I think that comes across and I make others feel comfortable too.
  2. It takes all kinds of kinds. There’s someone out there for everyone’s tastes. And as it turns out, there are a few ladies out there who actually like my particular variety of cuteness. I am still surprised every time I discover that.
  3. It really takes off a lot of the goddamn pressure that I’m not looking for a partner right now. I don’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend at the moment (I’ve never truly said that and meant it before), and at this stage that feels very freeing. Because that pressure is off, I am not trying to “convince” anyone I’ll make a good long-term partner, so I’m a lot less filtered and just being free and myself. I feel more light-hearted.
  4. Dating more than one girl at the same time is so foreign to me. But this has also helped take off pressure. I’ve been up front with anyone I’ve gone on a date with about this and so far it’s been received just fine, and dates have led to second dates and third dates and I’m having fun just getting to know some really cool girls who are quite different than anyone I’ve dated before.
  5. When I’m in a relationship, I don’t really get crushes. At least, they don’t develop very far in my mind and I hardly notice them. But holy shit when I’m single… I am getting all sorts of crushes and thinking about lots of possibilities. I think it’s been a good mental exercise of picturing myself with different types of people. (It also doesn’t help that I am horny AF without a girlfriend.)
  6. So far the feelings haven’t been a problem. I mean, other than crushing and just excitement at getting know people I find interesting, nothing overwhelming has taken over and I’ve been able to not get too caught up. I’m proud of me!

I think the only part I’m really struggling with right now is… where does this go? What is the end game? It’s so hard-wired in me that dating leads to relationships. I still know ultimately I will want that again, a monogamous relationship with a partner. But I don’t want that now. So where will these fun new explorations lead? Maybe that’s the point… that’s why they’re explorations because we don’t know where they lead. I guess I’m just not good with that uncertainty.

You’re going to meet-ups! That’s awesome. I’ve made some great friends through meet-ups and just generally it helped me feel less alone after I moved here. I don’t really love the ones that are just like “meet and greets” because it feels more awkward to introverts such as myself, but any activity-based outing, such as playing kickball or board games or book clubs or capture the flag have been so much fun. I think if nothing else, it’s a good reminder that there are a lot of other people in your town who feel kind of alone too, and are also looking for connections… I find that comforting. We’re all alone, but also, kind of in the same boat. Now I see when Elise has RSVP’d for the same events as me though, so I’ve been going to less. But conveniently, I’ve been filling up my time with friends and dates and me-time anyway, so it’s ok.

If last month’s theme was “restoration” for me, this month’s is “know your worth”. I had this fear that if I stop dating these fun life-of-the-party girls I would stop being invited to things.

But the truth is, I’m pretty fucking spectacular on my own, and it turns out people like having me around just for me.

I already “knew” that, but I’m starting to really believe it. I feel a bit like I’m starting over in Portland. Defining myself apart from her, knowing my worth apart from her.

I made this list of things for therapy that make me feel happy and like “me”, back when I was still with Elise and really struggling with some anxiety and depression. At the time I had to consciously make myself do them. The other day I pulled out the list and I had done every single one of those eight things that week without even trying. Being alone has allowed me to naturally take care of myself, and it just fills me up to overflowing and I have more energy to give to others now too. It’s like the more I invest in myself, the more there is to invest in others.

took a selfie in the elevator because I was feeling exceptionally cute that day before a date

took a selfie in the elevator because I was feeling exceptionally cute that day before a date

My “body issues” feel so fucking cliché it makes me mad just thinking about it. The fact that I look in a mirror and care that I have “extra weight” bothers me 1,000x more than the weight itself. When I don’t focus on a stupid arbitrary standard of what my body “should” look like to “be sexy” then I actually often feel sexy and healthy and good. Unfortunately, it is drowned out far too often by a voice calling out my imperfections. That voice speaks a message so far off of my values that I’m embarrassed I can even hear it. I told my friend the other day “I just find it hard to believe I’m anyone’s actual type. I’m too big to be skinny, but not quite big enough for plus size, I’m just this awkward in-between.” So I relate to you on the “not enough” fears. I likewise have never been the most feminine or masculine, just sort of a blah in-between. I guess that would sum up my general feelings on my body… I’m a blah in-between.

So those are my fears and issues. Luckily that’s not the whole story. I’m learning and working to love myself better. To physically accept myself as-is, and not just waiting to love myself when I’m x number of pounds thinner. Honestly, part of that lately has just been accepting affection and attention and compliments, without holding my breath thinking it’s only a matter of time before she sees my imperfections.

I don’t want to be yet another woman who lives her whole life in disgust and displeasure with her own body. What an utter waste, and a sad way to inhabit my physical self. I am healthy and strong and yes, even sexy. My body deserves love and acceptance and care.

I am so excited for whatever you have planned for us in L.A. I’ll be there soon!

Love, Ruth

P.S. take your vitamins (I liked your smiley face calendar system, by the way)

A decent letter

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Dear Ruth,

Thank you for waiting patiently until I am able to answer you properly. I am sorry that my last letter was such a downer. I thought about taking it down but then realized the down moments are just as real as everything else, so I kept it.

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Every day in July that I did not have sex. Success!

Detox July worked very well for me. I feel like I am more in touch with myself and my body. Especially after getting bronchitis towards the end, it felt almost…cleansing. I am still debating if I am going to continue to be celibate or if I am ready to put myself “out there”.

I did a lot of thinking about it during the bronchitis week as I crafted these pretty boxes. They are wrapped in pieces from the maps and brochures I collected during the trip.

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I was talking to my therapist about why I keep answering Trace’s messages if I am pretty clear they don’t belong in my life. We came to the conclusion that it is because I am bored and lonely. So I wanna try to be less bored and less lonely so I can stay away from unhealthy people and toxic dynamics. I 100% believe we were together out of loneliness, especially since I met them at such a vulnerable moment: I had just broken up with my ex (we were still living together), I did not have a single friend in LA, etc. They are also a loner and could use the attention. This is the kind of bond that I do NOT want. Ever again.

That being said, I am going to start going to meet-ups, which I have tried before to no avail. And just being more social, which I suck at because people are evil. But I figured I have a year left in LA and I want to make the best of it. I don’t want any more heartbreak or intense feelings or crazy bitches. I just wanna go outside, share time with others and get some attention. Sounds so simple, but it’s so complex.

I am planning on getting involved in all the queer and polyamorous meet-ups and groups that I can find. I wanna be surrounded by my peoples!

I oscillate, with pendulum like precision, between “I’m never dating again because humans suck” and “I want attention, please date me”.

Since I cannot make my mind up, I am allowing the dichotomy to exist until the scales tip one way or the other. It’s weird to be in love with someone in the back of your mind, like I am with Cory. She’s so present and so absent at the same time. She’s real in my heart but fully removed from my reality. I don’t know if we’ll ever be together and it’s not up to me, more up to my medical school location.

I am happy to hear about your restoration. It’s huge that you are able to be friends with Kay and stay away from Elise until you heal. I cannot believe Elise found you in a bar and you guys had a moment. HOW GAY! It sucks that you are still in love with her and it bothers you to see her with someone else. And for the record, you are not being mean and cold. You are being a responsible human, doing self preservation and prioritizing yourself. That my friend is maturity.

I cannot believe Elise: she has a new gf, makes sure you know that she’s SO over you, expects you to be her friend and be “happy for her”. Bitch, please. BYE.

You owe her nothing. You do not owe her love or friendship or even a text back. You take care of yourself (she’s doing that, isn’t she?) and live happily ever after among cats.

I am incredibly proud of you for joining the world of online dating and I desperately need updates. I am curious to see how the relationship between sex and feelings changes in your head. Getting outside of your comfort zone is always a good step towards change. If you want things to be different you need to ACT differently. I have to go out and be social (ugh) in order to be less lonely and bored, and hence less vulnerable to unhealthy patterns. You get to go on dates and have some NSA fun in order to stay out of relationships, which is your pattern.

That my friend is putting in the work. Doing things that do not come naturally to us. We deserve an award.

I am curious about your body issues and where they originate from. I feel like the queer community can be very accepting of all kinds of looks, but there’s also a jugful eye out for the “not gay enough. Like us. The theme of my body issues is “not enough”, not masculine enough to read as gay, but not feminine enough for Colombian standards, not thin enough to be stick size, not thick enough to be plus size.

What kind of body issues do you struggle with?

To answer your question about August, my monthly challenge is to take my vitamins. I have been terribly undisciplined with them. I am also hoping to get laid but I don’t want to go out of my way for it. I am hoping there are cute people at the polyamorous meet-ups, would not mind dating a couple.

I am planning our weekend together in LA and I cannot wait for you to get here.

Hurry Up

Love,

Nora

PS. Got this done. 

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Detox and Restoration

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Dear Nora,

How has detox July been going for you? How are you handling the aloneness?

I definitely relate to the missing people, missing events, missing … it all. That was the biggest drawback when I chose to move out to Portland. I knew only one person, a cousin, when I moved out the Portland. Everyone else that had filled my life was going to be 2,000 miles away and go on with their lives without me. Our situations are different in this regard though, because for me—I had always seen my dream future and life being out here, and I was doing it solely for me. I wanted it enough to believe it was worth transitioning every other relationship into a long distance one, in order to start and build the life I wanted in the place I felt I belonged. That sounds so selfish. But no one who loved me wanted anything less than that for me. So now, I only see my loves on short trips to the Midwest, and in the meantime, follow from a distance and send bits of love their way, welcome any visitors, and hint to everyone that they should move here.

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Some of the loves I got to see in the Midwest

Feelings don’t always have to “make sense”. I even write that begrudgingly, because I find it unsatisfying. But as my therapist reasoned with me—feelings are by nature not thoughts or logic. They can be associated with those things, but sometimes they just…exist. And demand to be felt. That’s how my anger with Elise is right now. Not logical. I have no “right” to be angry with her. We broke up mutually. She moved on. I don’t wish we were still dating. So why da fuq am I mad? The only reason I’ve been able to conjure up is: I am sad. I still am in love with her. I didn’t “want” to break up… but I knew we needed to. And also, I feel guilty for the pain I caused her, because I don’t think she “wanted” to break up either, even though we agreed it was for the best. All of these feelings are… less than happy… and I think seeing that she gets to just “be happy” with someone else and essentially forget about all of this feels like a punch in the gut. Thus, the anger. I don’t have her ability to move on so quickly, I am going to have to work through this a bit longer, and it just doesn’t feel fair she gets to jettison away, leaving me in a pool of shit feelings. That quote that you sent was a good reminder of that as well. Not everything is fair… live with it.

Taking space apart has been the best remedy so far though. We did run into each other about a week ago, and I definitely wasn’t prepared for it. My heart fell into my stomach when I saw her walk into the bar. She bee-lined to me and I could tell was happy to see me. We talked for a good bit, and I was either smiling just because, I love her, or crying because… feelings, and then eventually I had to just shut off the feelings altogether to get through the situation. She apologized for hurting me, and I apologized for hurting her. And we cried and hugged a bit (it’s not truly a lesbian bar until someone is hugging and crying). But I also told her I’m not ready at all yet. She kept asking when we could be friends. “Not yet, but I hope eventually”, was all I could offer. She said she’d wait as long as it took. It was mostly “good”, thank GOD her new gf wasn’t there I would have been mortified, but afterwards I still felt shitty and shaken up. She did make it a point to tell me how “over me” she was, and said “I wish you could just be happy for me, I would be happy for you”… but at least she acknowledged we are just… very different in the way we heal. She said I’m being mean and cold, and I explained I am just doing what I have to do to give myself space to heal. I’m not going to apologize for that, not talking and being stand-offish to her to take care of myself is a world apart from being cruel.

The theme of my July has been “restoration”. I feel like I’m restoring myself to things I had lost touch with that make me who I am.

I got to see important friends and family this month, and I’m working on building stronger friendships here in Portland. And then also, I got back in touch with my ex, I’ll call her Kay. The 6.5 year ex. We had spoken very little since I moved out here 1.5 years ago. I was dating Elise, she was dating someone too. We both moved on with our lives separately from one another. We proved to ourselves we are just fine apart, she was doing her hard work, I was doing mine. Recently mutual friends of ours started dating, and it’s opened up the channels of communication. She made a stop in Portland while doing a cross-country road trip, and we were able to spend some time together talking about how our lives have been since parting, ways we’ve grown and what we’ve learned. Nora, it was so good. It felt like I had my friend back, which was always the best part of our relationship anyway. All of my negative feelings towards her have resolved—I have no anger, resentment, jealousy, hurt… any of that. When I look at her now, I just see this person I love, who knows and loves me well. It feels like a pure kind of love, and everything I was hoping we would be able to regain. The romantic feelings are gone for me, I had to let go of those to heal, but I feel finally ready to have her back in my life, and she wants that more than anything. I could and would be fine without her, but it makes my heart happy to call her my friend, and I’m so proud of the ways she’s grown. I was explaining to my sister… if both of us are in a place where we’re ready to be friends, and it’s a positive thing, why wouldn’t we be? It’d be a sad waste to throw away a person with whom I have mutual love and respect and who knows me so well, and has seen me through the last 9 years of my life, just for some principle or grudge. She made mistakes and hurt me, but I’ve forgiven her… and she won’t hold my heart in that same way anymore.

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Kay & I

Anyway, that’s all of my reasoning. But ultimately, it just made me happy to see her and catch up. I’m glad she’s saved room in her life for me, and I can definitely make room in mine for her as well. All of this has just given me hope that I can and will get to this point with Elise too.

You said: “I am setting boundaries for myself on how I relate to people and what I am willing to put up with vs what is not negotiable.” That is my task at the moment as well.

First, with friends and others. And then going forward, in the context of a relationship. I’m getting better at saying no to things and not worrying about trying to please everyone. But it’s going to be a really good area for growth. I’ve started dabbling in a dating app, just dipping my toe into the pool. Seeking out only friends or friends-with-benefits situations, I think this is going to help exercise my boundary setting, as well as figuring out more of what I like or don’t like, and need. I’ve never really casually dated or “whored around” and I’ve always said it’s because I’m afraid I’ll get the feels. But then I also realized, I’ve only ever slept with people I already had feelings for, so of course I associate it with that. I think it could be good for me to get a little outside of my comfort zone, and to know my worth independently. It feels good to not have anyone have power over me, to own my own power. Anyway, I don’t know know where I’ll go with it, but I’ll keep you updated. I think it also will help challenge my negative assumptions and feelings about my body and help me feel empowered. We should talk more about that some time, I think I could easily write a whole letter on it. Luckily Portland is a very sex positive, body positive type of community.

I am mine. before I am anyone else’s*.
And I am preparing the space to allow myself the room to grow. *from a poem by Nayyirah Waheed

How about you, what does August hold for you my dear? Single and ready to mingle? I am so happy to have you as a friend.

Love, Ruth

P.S. I get to meet you in like a month! I’m so excited!
P.P.S. I am so sorry about the lack of Trigger Warning—totally fail on that, I was kicking myself. I will be more mindful of that in the future.

Feeble attempts and forgiveness

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Dear Nora,

Well, my dear, you were right to chuckle at my feeble attempt and optimism at being friends with Elise. We were kind of still chatting, and seeing each other occasionally or in group settings. Or, you know, watching TV together and then hooking up that one time… So in other words, working hard at the transition to friendship. She danced around the boundaries I had set (boundary testing is her favorite pastime), and said things to me like “you are going to be one of my best friends, you’re different than all my other exes, you’re so special Ruth, I have to keep you in my life”.

And I really could tell she was trying for this time to be different. For example, she waited almost a whole month before she made it official with a new girl. Her norm is usually a week tops. She said I should consider myself fortunate she held off so long. Lucky me! You have to give her credit for efficiency.

She had okCupid dates lined up like job interviews for a position that needed to be filled immediately.

You may be able to tell from my bitter tone that I’m not handling it the best. But I am proud that I refrained for saying 99% of the things I wanted to say, and let her know I could not speak to her or see her for a while, and she agreed. And we left it at that. She didn’t do anything “wrong”, but it still felt like a slap in the face, especially when a week before she had told me she’s still in love with me and kept asking if there was any possibility we’d end up back together someday.

I’m pissed off and listening to angry songs and thinking mean thoughts and crying sporadically. I keep reminding myself of two things. 1) we all deal with pain differently, and for her maybe that’s just moving on really quickly, and 2) her moving on is about her doing what she needs to do, not about my value or worth and even what I meant or didn’t mean to her.

All that to say, go easy on Jayne, if you can. I have a feeling she just genuinely wanted to find a way to keep you in her life, and made her best attempt at that in spite of other feelings she was suppressing. We are all suckers for the sweet Colombian poison. Trust me, it’s a hard addiction to break. Maybe she’s not lost forever… she just needs some detox.

I think forgiveness is some of the best, and hardest work we have to do in our lives (especially towards ourselves). It is so goddamn beautiful and defies all of our basest instincts. I promise I’ll try not to quote Cheryl Strayed in every single letter… but I did laugh and nod at this one: “Forgiveness doesn’t just sit there like a pretty boy in a bar. Forgiveness is the old fat guy you have to haul up the hill.”

That’s a really interesting discussion of actions vs. intentions. That’s something I think a lot about. Elise usually didn’t give a shit about intentions, only actions. I, as a benefit-of-doubt type would say I usually take intentions into weighty consideration. But I think ultimately, I have to agree that our truest truths come out in the form of actions. The core of who we are will persist in the living of our lives. Yes, there will be aberrations, and those who know us well should take our intentions into account during those times. But generally speaking, who you are is what you do, not what you say.

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Love.

In the case of relationships, I think kind of the deal going into it is that people usually have hopes and good intentions, and sometimes they decide it’s not for them, and sometimes you decide it’s not for you, and neither is wrong or bad. I have been thinking about that a lot. I feel pretty at peace with our decision to break up, and confident now that Elise wasn’t meant for me, or I for her… so then why the hell didn’t I know that at the start of it? Because who I am now is a slightly different person with different knowledge and experiences and further understanding of myself than I was 16 months ago. I read a good quote from Dan Savage the other day about this: “dating is about figuring out who we are and what we want — and when it comes to dating a specific person, it’s also about figuring out whether this person is who and what we want. Early on, when we’re smitten, we sometimes fantasize about a future — we talk about the longterm and/or listen as the other person talks about the longterm — that isn’t destined to be. Being open to the possibility of a longterm relationship with someone, imagining a future with that person, etc., doesn’t obligate us to stay in the relationship eternally, and it doesn’t mean we lied or misled someone if the relationship should end. Fantasizing about a life together is not the same thing as committing to a life together.”

Totally changing subjects–I met Cory and AJ! They arrived this week and stayed at my place and I had so much fun grabbing dinner and drinks with them. I couldn’t stop smiling at the ridiculousness of this all. I confirmed with them that you are, in fact, a real person. So that was good. It’s a little tricky explaining to someone how I both feel like I know you pretty well, but also know very little about your actual day to day life. But I rode around in “Chad” your roadtrip car, and listened to the Rap Caviar playlist with them and made fun of Cory’s gigantically oversized suitcase. It was fun getting to hear them chat about the trip and you and Toby. Anyway, so that happened.

I fly out tonight, headed to the midwest to see lots of my family for my grandma’s 90th birthday party. All of my siblings will be there, my parents, cousins, aunts, uncles. It is so needed. My family for me is the place where I go to rest and reset. My original self. A place of unconditional love. I’ll just be there a very short time, it will be a small but potent dose of exactly what I need right now. I also get to see some of my good friends too while I’m there. And my cat Luscious!!!

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Purrington’s Cat Cafe in Portland

By the way, I also judge myself real hard also for giving up my cats for Elise. I can’t say, looking back, that I could have or would have done it differently. But, moving forward, the cat thing will from now on represent for me the importance of me keeping parts of myself that make me “me” and make me happy. Cats make me pretty fucking happy. I will definitely be getting one for my 30th birthday.

Nothing says “winning at life” like a single lesbian getting a cat for her 30th birthday, am I right?

I hope you find exactly what you need right now. Toby cuddles. Altars full of candles and incense. Puzzles and more puzzles. What are you favorite things about being alone? Also, can you take this personality test for me? I want to see what you get! I got ISFJ (“The Defender”) and it was spot-on. We can talk about our results more if you take it.

Love, Ruth

P.S. I’m looking at possibly coming to LA around labor day weekend? Just sayin’…
P.P.S. Your wish list of kids books brought back a lot of good childhood reading memories. I sent some your way, I hope others do too! What a great idea!

The Value of Intentions

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Dear Ruth:

Heads up: this will be long. There will be lots of pictures.

I am so glad to hear we had the same Fourth of July. I fell asleep early to the sound of fireworks. But during the day I biked and read in the park with the baby. Pretty low key. Copy of 20160704_150028

I am also happy to hear about your smudging ritual. Little witch tip: Sage does not only take away negative energies. It erases everything. Your house is now a blank slate to be replaced with the energy of your choosing. So choose wisely. Light candles (mind the colors) and burn incense after. Here’s a pic of how crazy I go when I go to the magick store. And my altar, which is popping!

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I have a lot of mental stirring going on. I feel like this year has been a hurricane and I am left with the aftermath and the clean up. In chronological order: need to change jobs, my roommate threatened to evict me, broke up with Jayne (but stayed friends), put a friend in the hospital for being suicidal, had to find a new roommate, realized Trace was not for me, broke up with Trace (those were two different events about a month apart), return to volunteering (where Trace works, we dont ever interact though but it was a hard decision to make), went on road trip, saw Cory, Jayne decided she is too in love with me to be friends, I curse out Jayne for being a bad friend, Cory leaves, I am alone. No trace, no Jayne, no Cory. Just me and Toby. Per usual.

My days have been full of thoughts. I just play with my puzzles and contemplate loneliness and how familiar it feels.

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DurinCopy of 20160703_163949g the trip, I had a conversation with Cory about how much someone’s intentions (vs execution) are worth.  I have always been of the idea that actions speak louder than words and what you did and what you meant to do are two completely separate things. This is changing for me. There’s a song by Alejandro Sanz that says “Reclamame nuestra ilusión, exigeme el valor que tiene la intención” Basically, the hopes and the illusions you build with yourself and someone else have a certain value, what you sought to accomplish in any relationship is worth something (even if little), regardless how disastrous the execution.

I mentioned last time that I am working on forgiving myself and forgiving others. Here’s where this process has taken me: to acknowledge my intentions honestly and to accept the intentions of others as true. It sucks though, so hard. Especially from this place of loneliness where I am sitting right now. I have to accept that my ex wanted to grow professionally, she did not mean to abandon me. But she did. I am yet to forgive her for it TWO YEARS LATER I resent her. It has to end. I have to accept Trace wanted company, they deserved a chance to try, they did not want to hurt me.

Given a choice they would choose to fall in love with me because  :::flips hair:: I am so wonderful. But they are damaged and my magic is not for the faint of heart. I have to forgive their feeble attempt at loving me.

Jayne wanted to be friends with me, but it hurts her and now I feel betrayed and lied to because I really did think she saw me as a friend. But she did not mean to lie to me. She just could not do it. I have to forgive her, and let her go. But I miss Jayne the most. I miss her every day. I had this secret fantasy that we were going to be really close friends and then in a year or so when we are ready, get back together and live happily ever after. NOPE. She left.

Forgiving others and accepting their intentions as pure, takes me to forgive myself and accept my own. That I want to have partners, that I understand now why people get married and stay in less than ideal relationships: Being alone sucks. That I am too demanding for my own good, unwilling to compromise, unable to settle. I need to forgive myself for letting people go, for sometimes being the one that leaves, the one that ends it. For pouring my heart into the ones I love and not keeping anything to myself. For having poor boundaries.

And this takes me to you: BOUNDARIES. Let me say that again:

B-O-U-N-D-A-R-I-E-S

You my dear Ruth, are a Mrs. Softee. It was so refreshing to read your last letter and to know that people like you still exist. You are a specie in danger of extinction. And it is not martyrdom or Ghandiness. You sincerely get pleasure from building others up. If It is really easy for a self-centered bitch like myself to get lost in relationships, I can only imagine how natural it must feel to your softee ass to just live in function of another. BUT You cannot become a sum of someone else’s wants. I low-key judged you real hard when you gave away your cat for Elise. (WTF bro.. Real cat > pussy).

Your gifts, your light you MUST let it shine. Just make sure you are still the one that is carrying it. If you simply hand your light to someone else, they will walk away with the torch and you will be left in the dark. In order to make the best of your light you have to be the one to hold it, your loved ones must stand near you to be warmed and guided by it. This is your fire to share with others not give away. This is what I mean by boundaries: you get to embrace yourself as the giver, developer, promoter, compassionate, lover that you are while making sure you develop, promote, empathize with and love yourself first.

Fuck apologizing to people for needing alone time and writing long ass letters. Try replacing “Sorry” for “Thank you” and you will see how there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Instead of “Sorry I dont want to go out” use “thank you for giving me space” There’s a more positive connotation while promoting yourself and showing the other person appreciation.

Friends with Elise? Haha good luck with that. I am a little mad at her for putting you down for being such a giver. I am sure she was not complaining when you were giving things up for her. I have said before and I will say it again: DO NOT DATE COLOMBIAN WOMEN. We are an addictive sweet poison.

~END UNSOLICITED ADVICE~

About Cory: Ugh I love her. But I did not say I found her condescending. I found calling her Blondie condescending so I switched to Cory (re-read). Here is the story in a nutshell: I met her while in an open relationship with my ex. We had a summer thing, or what was meant to be a summer thing. Then I moved to Cali and tried to go on with my life, while she (who was 19 at the time) tried to go on with hers. Did not work. I was her first girl and the coming out process was too hard for her to deal with alone. Then we realized we were in love but I was in California in a relationship. Everything went to hell. We have gone through periods of talking daily and months of not talking. But every time we are near each other, every given opportunity, we meet up.

I have been miserable about this bond over and over because it seems so impossible due to the distance. But she has always been hopeful that I will go back east and we could be together. I do not think I have ever seen anyone been so sincerely in love with me. I have tried to let this go, to let it die, to let it wither. Nothing. Still alive as ever.

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Trust me Ruth, I understand you. I am one damaged cynical motherfucker but I understand this dream of yours of having Prince Charming come on her white horse and sweep you off your feet. I understand your need to believe that she’s out there, searching for you while you are in Portland, waiting for her. I want that too.

But not now. This is the time for us to learn boundaries, to take care of ourselves, our dreams, our bodies. To re-evaluate our needs and desires, to get ready for the big 30 and welcome the next decade as WOMEN. Girlhood is over, youth is wasted on the young.

I love you and I hope you are having a great summer.

Love,

Nora

PS. I am doing a book drive for the kids in my block. They are children of Hispanic immigrants who cannot afford camp and their parents work too much for them to be taken to the library. Do you know anyone who would want to donate books grades 1-8? I also have an amazon wishlist, where you can purchase the and send them my way. Really hoping someone gets Wimpy kid because they really really want those.

Independence Day

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Dear Nora,

I’m here, I’m here! I’ve been too busy for my own good. I need to stop doing that. The past month has been filled with visitors and Pride stuff and re-doing my apartment and talks with friends and extra work stuff and spending time outside in the lovely Portland summer. But I am here.

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Left: Representing the choir in the parade, riding “bitch” on the back of my friend’s bike!; Right: My made-over room, complete with my handmade “headboard” and origami lights; Bottom: Vigil for the Orlando shooting victims

I am super jealous of your awesome roadtrip! We live on such a beautiful planet, I loved seeing your pics. I have kind of a joke with friends that when I’m overwhelmed by the natural beauty of a place I get almost angry. Not actually angry, but just… I almost can’t stand it. I want to capture it, and keep it, and bask in it. But there it stays, and all I can do is admire it and scream about how pretty it is and take pathetic iPhone pics and move along with my life. Needless to say, it’s been a problem ever since moving to the PNW. I enjoyed some outdoors while camping this weekend.

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Oregon <3

I’m so, so glad you took that time (and money) for yourself. You deserve it! (Also, you deserve new manipulation-free heels… I found some online coupons for you.) Can I just say how proud I am of you for creating the space you need from Trace? Games with feelings suck ass. It seems like you’re doing a really good job of being deliberate about taking care of yourself. Going to therapy, thinking through the “whys” of everything that happened, and setting intentions for yourself, and surrounding yourself with good friends.

I want to hear more about Cory. In your previous letter you mentioned you find her condescending. That was pre-roadtrip/visit together and I’m curious if she still seems that way after spending more in-person time together? Also, it makes me really happy to hear that it’s a connection not based on anything you “offer”, but simply you just being you, and her recognizing your worth. Yay for mutual feelings!! Do you think it might go anywhere? Do you want it to? Also how can you stand being in love with someone and not be completely consumed by it? Teach me how.

Today is independence day, and I am celebrating it this evening by myself, in my apartment with the windows open and candles glowing. And instead of fireworks, I burned some sage and “smudged” my space to clear out negative energy. I don’t know what I believe about that stuff, but if nothing else, the ritual brought me comfort and it felt cleansing… so there’s that.

I’ve reach two conclusions over the past month: I’ve decided it’s about goddamn time for me to stop wishing that I was something I’m not, and I NEED to stop apologizing for who I am and what I need.

You were so very right in your assessment—that I am a hopeless romantic always seeking The One, in love with love. Optimistic, devoted, forgiving. Sometimes I am kind of ashamed of it. I wanted to try to deny that, to defend the parts of me that are “realistic” and “logical”. I want to act as though I don’t want the things that I really want, and convince the world that I’m not just some silly, naïve girl looking for “princess charming”. Elise said as much, that she’s dated more than me, that she has “seen what’s out there”, and that at some point you just find a pretty good fit and the rest is just hard work.

I know she’s probably right. I know everyone is probably right and I am foolish and dreaming of fairytales and what I seek isn’t real life. But none of that stops me from wanting it. And I’m not ready to give up on the hope that it exists for me.

I’ve come to realize in dating, we are all completely sucked in by different aspects of a relationship. For Elise, it was that initial connection and spark. For my sister, it’s the intellectual attraction of two minds. For another friend, it’s an intense physical chemistry. For another, it’s the mystery and intrigue of discovering all of another person. For me? I really do love being in love. I love absolutely adoring someone else, and having them feel that completely, and feeling loved and adored in return. That is my crack. And while I’m sure there’s some perfectly reasonable scientific explanation for these feelings, to me it feels like nothing short of a miracle.

There was a fog that lifted, when we ended things. And I had an actual moment where suddenly I could see myself, feel myself, and inhabit my body once again and I laughed out loud and said “oh, HERE I am.. I love this person!” I then proceeded to give myself a good talkin-to about how great I am and how much I love me. I had been so tangled up in anxiety and trying “make it work” and thinking what I could do to please her, that I lost sight of myself in the relationship. This is something I will be tackling with my therapist (did I tell you I am going to therapy, too?) I am quick to give up things for people I love, especially for the woman I fall in love with. Way too readily I give up both large and small things (ranging from food choices, to pets/kid/marriage prospects, from TV shows to daily schedules to place where we live), and make concessions for just about all of it to the point where I become just a sum of their wants. Elise called it martyrdom. But it’s not from a place of trying to make a show of giving stuff up. It’s just… it’s just how I am. I don’t think of it as a weakness, but rather, I think these “faults” are products of my strengths, I just need to learn to wield them in a way that’s healthier for me… in a way that doesn’t cause me to drown out myself.

Recently for work, as a team-building exercise we took these personality tests called strengths finder, and my top categories were Empathy (feel what others are feeling), Relator (develop deep and genuine relationships), Harmony (bring others together), Developer (see potential in others), Maximizer (encourage talents and strengths in order for others to ‘be their best’). While many people in my team had strengths like learning, achieving, deliberating, analyzing, communicating, ideation, thinking futuristically or strategically…etc., all of my traits just had more to do with relationship building than anything else, and building others and myself, up.

That is who I am. I am someone who believes in others, and myself, cares about and relates to them, and wants to all work together in peace and harmony towards our best individual potentials. It’s some hippy dippy shit and I fucking love it.

Elise used to refer to me as “Gandhi” or “Mother Teresa” or sometimes “Jesus”. She would jokingly ask me to show her my scar-free hands, just to confirm that I’m not the Messiah. Of course she meant it all as a joke. But it was honestly an issue in my last relationship as well. I hear things like “you’re too good for me” and groan. This sort of pedestal has been something I’ve experienced my whole life. Ruth. My name literally means compassion. It sounds like a good thing… and while it does have some perks, no one wants to be seen as a saint. Saints are boring and not fun at all. They are “holier-than-thou” and goodie two-shoes. And I am none of those things. I am fun and sarcastic and nonjudgmental and I can be a moody asshole and I am better than no one. But I am kind. I am concerned for others. I am giving, to a fault. I feel what others are feeling and I am moved by it. I don’t know how to be any other way. I think you can be all those things.

Those are my gifts. This is my light. I can either love it and shine it as it is, or be ashamed and try to hide it. I can either spend my life wishing I was a different way than I am, or I can embrace it. And fill my life with people who love and value these things about me.

Tonight I had a couple of invites to join in on 4th of July festivities. I was tired from camping and being around people a lot, and all I wanted was to stay home, take a bath, write you a letter and smudge my apartment. I took some grief for telling people I just wanted alone time tonight. My first instinct was to apologize for wanting alone time. I feared they’d think I was lame and they wouldn’t understand, and that they’d stop inviting me to things or feel sorry for me. Some of those things may have crossed their minds. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. I didn’t apologize, because I shouldn’t have to apologize for taking care of my own needs and doing what I like. I shouldn’t have to explain it. And if someone doesn’t “get it” or accept me, then they probably aren’t worth my time and aren’t a friend I really need.

I need to stop apologizing for who I am. I am an introvert, I need alone time. I am kind, and I like that about myself. It doesn’t mean I’m a goddamn saint. I believe in the love of soulmates, living life side-by-side, and I still hope to find it. I am a good thing. I have a lot of love to give. I see the best. I am what I am what I am.

I am energized being alone, and am venturing into the forever alone chapter with a desire to love and take care of myself better. And to make the most of this time, undistracted by couplehood. So that someday IF that person comes along, I’ll know better how to balance my needs with theirs, and no more of this “losing myself” bullshit. I turn 30 in November, and my intention is to not seek out anything serious for the remaining months of my 20s at the very least. I feel the most myself when I’m alone, it makes my soul stir. And based on previous experience, I don’t know how to be anything but serious when it comes to love interests… so perhaps that will necessitate no dating at all. Right now that feels completely doable… but doesn’t it always, until you meet someone who you “can’t live without”? I would be pretty content right now “whoring out” as you called it, but I seem to suck at that because I get a whole mess of feelings when I connect physically with someone.

Updates next time on project “fall out of love” and the effort to transition from dating to friends with Elise. Also, miniature elephant sanctuary.

Love, Ruth

P.S. This is the longest letter ever. I think we can count it as two.
P.P.S. I was about to apologize for all of my rants about refusing to apologize for who I am in this letter. But I’m not going to.
P.P.P.S. YES! Cory and AJ can stay with me! I agree that would be so epic. My place isn’t big but I think we could make it work. When?? Send me details via email.

Saved by my friends

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Dear Ruth, 

Your last letter was impressively thorough. Thank you for being so transparent. I feel like I got to see a different aspect of you. When juxtaposed with Elise and both of your preferences and likes/dislikes, it shed a light on your personality. I can tell you are the hopeless romantic always seeking The One, in love with love. 

I made my ex-bae Jayne read your letter because I can see her in your words. She also has moved from one relationship to the next and seeks that attachment. She’s optimistic and devoted like you. With this need for romance and sweetness and coming home to someone’s arms….etcetera. Novela stuff. 

I thought some of your incompatibilities with Elise reflected Jayne and I’s problems. My favorite was the one with the statement “People are doing their best”. No. they’re not dude. People are trying to get the most gain with the least resource investment in every possible situation. I am naturally distrustful, you seem naturally forgiving. Jayne is like that too. You two would get along. 

In this episode of my forever alone life, I have to say I am surprisingly well. I am not healed and I am not “over it” but I am okay. And I am happy to say I owe it 90% of it to my friends and 10% to myself. My friends have been so incredibly supportive. Jayne showed up here the same day to watch me cry. Another friend, Pixie stayed with me a few times because I just cried and cried some more. My friend Erin crafts with me (I knit, she chrochets) and we have been out to the museum and stuff lately. Even friends in New York City and Barranquilla have been always checking on me and asking how my heart is. I just feel so loved and cared for. 

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Proof that I am really a fairy: me and Erin on fairy form under a table. (Lies, It’s an exhibit at The Broad Museum)

I have been keeping busy. I am getting used to my new job and I am trying to work out (aka go for walk) when I come home. Trying to take care of myself and my dog takes a lot of energy so during the day I am all on ME mode.

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Found some train tracks and mountains in my work out walk the other day. So happy. I love Mountains and I love trains.

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Night time is another story. At night I miss Trace so hard. I have mental images of their eyes, looking at me with this depth as if they could read my mind. I miss the way they smell and this delicate way in which they held me. I miss having someone to say good morning and good night too. I am sad that all the dreams and illusions I had for us have gone down the drain with one quick flush. 

But I am also relieved. I feel freed from my own feelings. I don’t have to walk on eggshells, afraid to say the wrong thing. I get to be my wonderful self 24/7. Because my feelings were stronger I felt at a disadvantage. I was afraid to upset them because a fight could mean the end and I knew that ending was going to be easier for them. I am not proud of myself. I was playing this little bitch role that does not fit me. I saw all the signs but was too weak and coward to address the rotting of our bond. I did not want to accept it. I knew the wave of pain was gonna kill me. 

And it did. But I resurrected. 

I am focusing on being grateful for the short time I had them. I thank the universe because I was lucky enough to love this beautiful prince, to hold them and care for them. I got to kiss them, I got to call them mine. I learned from them. I am grateful for that. In the words of Alejandro Sanz “Ya no me importa si me quisiste por que en mis sueños yo te tuve. Ademas hay gente que no consigues olvidar jamas, no importa el tiempo que eso dure”. (It’s from a song called Eso) 

There are so many positive changes happening in my life after these last two difficult years in California. I finally have a good place to live, a job I wanted and friends. I cannot help but to count this break up like one more blessing. 

Last weekend, I tried reaching a hand to Trace and it was a disaster. We definitely speak different languages too and my attempt to get them to talk to me came off all blamy and shit. It hurt to realize that I am not in a position to listen to them objectively or be gentle. I considered a friendship for a hot second when my heart kept insisting that it did not want to lose them fully. But I lost them. Forever. It’s done. 

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Today was Gay Pride in Los Angeles. I marched in the parade with some friends, it was really amazing seeing all the homos unite. 

 

 

 

Since, I am now on post-break up forever alone mode. Which usually translate into extreme ME MODE. It’s perfect. I have been going out more, getting ready for summer, working out. I am a better person when I am alone. When my priority is myself, I do so much better. 

I am going to a short vacay this week and I am going to see Blondie. Can we call her Cory? I am finding Blondie condescending. I got to tell you that story one day. I am excited to travel and I am excited to see her. I considered canceling this trip because I want to be alone for at least 3 months, but like I only see her once maybe twice a year AND I have not had vacation in a while. I deserve fun and a break up should not take that away from me. 

I wonder why our lives are so parallel Ruth, why we continue to experience similar things with the weirdest timings.

What is your forever alone plan? Are you whoring out yet? (you know that post break up face when you wanna fuck around?) Have you thought about how long you want to stay single for? How is it going in the apartment alone? 

Sending you all the love and all the strength

Happy Pride 2016! My heart goes to Orlando. 

Love, 

Nora

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More proof that I am a fairy. Also, feel free to add me on snapchat: nomas616

 

 

 

The devil in the details

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Dear Nora,

I cannot tell if we are the best people to counsel each other right now, or the worst. As I sit here in Portland, tearing up in a coffee shop listening to sad songs that remind me of everything I’ve lost and watching adorable in-love lesbian couples pass by.

I feel your pain so much, my dear. It jumps right off of the screen and I just want to cry with you and give you a hug and some fried chicken and binge watch something mind-numbingly stupid while we talk about being members of the forever alone club. My panicked heart is in complete lockdown and focused on one thing: keeping her in my life. As we’ve still been living together after breaking up, it’s all been a bit surreal, still calling each other babe, making her dinner, still having sex. She’ll make jokes about how she will make out with other people, and I’ll just feel a confused and somewhat detached jumble of feelings. And then sometimes, no feelings at all. Lots of numbness lately, actually. The full pain will follow, I suspect. But right now she’s still here, and still kind of feels like mine.

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I could go on and on about the reasons why I fell in love with her. But I realized that being in love isn’t enough. It isn’t the all-inclusive perfect formula for making it work with anyone. How disheartening is that? As rare as it is to find someone who you mutually fall in love with, and then that’s still not a guarantee? WTF.

I did, and didn’t see it coming. Didn’t, because I wasn’t quite ready to “give up”, but did, because a series of realizations had added up over the last few months, building a kind of unease. My heart was in denial, but my gut was giving me hints.

In the end, it was just a collection of ways in which we were mis-matched for long term partnership. We were both happy in a lot of ways, and could have carried on that way for a while… but we’re both looking for that person, the companion-for-life person. Past the one year mark, talking about next steps… the more permanent decision of whether this person could be that was looming and we were both having more doubts.

  1. We spoke each other’s love languages poorly. She wanted someone who just let her be, completely unconstrained and unencumbered. I wanted to dote and love on her and be doted on and adored, but that felt suffocating to her. And likewise, her just “letting me be” felt cold to me and made me insecure and anxious. We both did our best to stretch, but it was just such a far reach, I don’t know if we’d ever comfortably live there enough to satisfy the other person like we both deserve.
  2. Our communication was mis-matched. She craved instantaneous, verbal, clearly-stated thoughts and feelings expressed on demand. I needed time and space and processing and writing and thinking and coming back in hours and days and weeks with responses. Both of us felt frustrated and misunderstood.
  3. She was losing interest in me, pulling back and making me less of a priority and I was growing proportionally anxious and insecure and holding on more tightly. She was more satisfied to just have a partner who was “there” and secure for long term. I want that, yes, but also I need my partner to remain interested in me in a natural and unforced way.
  4. I felt challenged constantly by her, but almost never just “at rest”. She felt at rest with me, but seldom challenged. Neither is bad. But I need to feel at rest with my partner more than challenged. Life will challenge me enough.
  5. She is 95% extrovert, I am 66% introvert… and our pace of living is different. That is something we could have made do with and worked on more, but I’ll admit it could be exhausting for me. I have trouble already with making time for myself, but being with someone who needs people around almost constantly was making it even harder for me to balance that, when combined with my people pleasing tendencies. We both concluded we probably need someone a little bit closer to our end of the spectrum.
  6. She wants to move somewhere else, chances are it will be somewhere more southern, and less west coast, and I didn’t want to end up somewhere I don’t want to be and resent her for it someday.
  7. She would generally refer to traits that I love about myself, like kindness, empathy, compassion, putting others first, with less than high esteem. It’s not that she doesn’t value those things… she just values them less than other things. Essentially the traits she valued the most were things I was much weaker in (fighting for yourself, meeting your own needs first, being brave, speaking up…etc.), but it did make it harder for me to be proud of those things I was strong in, because I wanted to please her.
  8. We disagreed on this statement: People, generally speaking, are doing the best they can in this life. (I agree with that, she does not.) That belief or non-belief had a big impact on how we handled and viewed people in various situations.
  9. I am sensitive, oh-so-sensitive and big hearted and I cry often and feel things deeply and don’t have a very tough outer shell. She is sensitive in her own way, but has a tough outer shell and really values tough-love and no-frills approaches. This would often result in hurt feelings on my end, and annoyance on hers.
  10. I need my partner to be my best friend, among other things. Something, probably just the overall expanse of these differences, was holding us both back from feeling like the other person “got” us in the way we needed. Just on different pages more often than not.

Those probably seem like 10 really obvious things, but when you’re in love with each other, you can excuse most of that for a while, and some of it is only apparent over time. But the combination of all of it that brought us both to the same undesirable conclusion.

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I want to keep her, shouldn’t that be all that matters?

Even now, it’s helpful writing these things out, because I forget them when I’m holding her little hand in mine, and feeling her heart beating. All I can think in those moments is that I want to keep her. The only thing that’s been keeping me resolved over the last week or so is that internal confirmation I felt the moment we decided it—even as heartbreak rushed in—the anxiety left me that had built up in the indecision and doubt.

She is moving out in about a week. And then I will be all alone in our apartment. My apartment.

Sometimes all you can do is live something out, give it the time it is worthy of and get the answers you are seeking. I don’t think I would have felt satisfied in any way if I had called things off at my first sign of doubt. Elise was worth it to me to try, and then try again, and then to try something else and hold on and wait it out and talk it out and then try again. Trace was worth it to you to hold on, to give it time, to see if things would change. Immense pain demands the need to blame someone for causing it. And it’s all too easy to turn that blame inward. Would you really have done anything differently? Perhaps you just needed to reach the tipping point where this was no longer true: The only thing more painful that the emotional imbalance would be to not have them in my life at all. 

Unrequited love is surely the most merciless of all the loves. It is like the strongest drug, and completely unreasonable when it comes to self-lectures on the inevitable heartbreak of falling in love with someone who’s not in love with you. I’m so sorry you had to experience that, my dear. For the record, I think breaking up with someone for the reason that “they are not in love with me” is 100% legitimate.

Breaking up isn’t a punishment, it’s about recognizing a truth that brings awareness that you aren’t the best person for each other.

You said a lot of things in your last letter like “this imbalance hurts”, “It pains me”, “makes me insecure”. You should never have to hope that someone will maybe someday realize you’re fucking wonderful. You are. You are standing in front of them, being your amazing, magical self, and if they can’t see that, then it is ok to ask them to step aside and let someone else enter your life who will see it. In the words of Cheryl Strayed: “You cannot convince people to love you. This is an absolute rule. No one will ever give you love because you want him or her to give it. Real love moves freely in both directions. Don’t waste your time on anything else.” It sounds harsh, but it also brings a type of relief. To know something is out of your control takes the pressure off sometimes. I also know you already know this. (P.S. I highly recommend reading Tiny Beautiful Things during this period of pain. It is truth, in a raw but beautiful form, hopeful and heartbreaking and a perfect companion during big life shifts when you’re regaining footing.)

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Piece of poop pillow from my sister as a break-up gift.

I thought your answer “because I am not in love with my friends” was a good one. And it’s got me thinking a lot. How do I fall out of love with her Nora? Because I want so desperately for us to be friends. Part of me thinks we could potentially be better suited as friends than we were as partners. Obviously I know for sure that living together, having sex and acting like a couple is not helping us get to that point. I think probably the answer is time and space and both of us just doing our own thing… but I don’t like it.

Here’s the truth that’s been staring me in the face: I hide in relationships. They’re a comfortable place for me. I find an absolutely dazzling star of a human and attach myself to her. And I can let her sparkle, and I can focus on her needs, and I can stand in the shadows admiring her. But now, there’s nowhere to hide—nothing to take the attention off of myself and my life. I’ve been in long-term monogamous relationships for most of the last 8 or 9 years, essentially all of my 20s. Being alone for a while sounds so uncomfortable, because I will have to learn to shine all on my own. And when I look around for someone to take care of, I’ll see only myself. No more shrinking into corners, no more using a relationship as an excuse for why I don’t do x, y and z. I need to be captain of my soul.

Your friend, Ruth

P.S. I also definitely need to start a fairy garden, yours is so lovely. Except I think perhaps mine should be a miniature elephant sanctuary… I will keep you updated.

Quietest Hours

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My dear Nora,

I hope you’ll forgive me for not writing. It hasn’t been writer’s block exactly. I’ve almost had too many thoughts and feelings to collect them for you.

Elise and I broke up a few days ago. The month leading up to it was filled with tormented days and nights and discussions and overwhelming fear and desire and thoughts and journaling and phone calls to friends and sisters and tears—all of the tears. It was full of sound and fury, but it was never anything bad. Somehow, in all of that, we still managed to convey how deeply we love and cared about each other. How special we considered the other. How remarkably grateful we were to have shared a path for a time.

And now I feel as though I’ve just stepped off of a boat and I’m still swaying with the feel of the water as I step onto dry land. And my legs are wobbly. And I can still smell the sea.

I wanted it to be her, Nora. I truly did, in my heart of hearts. And she wanted it to be me. That’s what made it all so tormented. We were both fighting it in our own way, while something inside us both was telling us we weren’t the best fit for the long term. But the moment it ended, something inside me confirmed that was the right thing, and I believe the same thing happened for her. That sense of peace is what’s sheltered my heart the past few days from the waves of pain that are sure to follow.

Coincidence that Elise bought this book 2 days before we broke up? I think not.

Coincidence that Elise bought this book 2 days before we broke up? I think not. Signs from the universe.

I hope more than anything we will find a way to hold on to each other in life in some capacity. I think we’re still in the shock zone at the moment, figuring out logistics and crap. And also, today is her birthday. Our breakup was mutual, but I still feel like a grade-A asshole for giving her a broken heart for her birthday.

WHAT IS THIS LIFE, NORA?

Thank you for continuing to write me in spite of my radio silence. I’m sure I will tell you more about it all in the coming months. Maybe I am due for an LA getaway and we can just hang out in the park and the California sunshine and play with Toby.

I’ve been reading in the quiet moments, the solemn hours, where everything goes on buzzing around me, exactly the same and completely different at the same time. It feels strange to me, and numb, and like a deafening quiet. I’m reading Rilke’s “Letters to a Young Poet”:

Keep growing, silently and earnestly, through your whole development; you couldn’t disturb it any more violently than by looking outside and waiting for outside answers to questions that only your innermost feeling, in your quietest hour, can perhaps answer.

and also:

“Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked in rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”

I am proud of something, Nora. That I did listen to myself, I did not ignore my gut on this. Even though it broke my own heart. And I don’t understand it yet or have the answers, but I am following my innermost feeling, and maybe living my way into the answers. And in the deepest mud of all the pain, there is a seed of something really good.

Now, about you, my dear. I’m so sorry I’ve neglected you, when you have so much going on. The medical school application process does sound incredibly rigged and infuriating. I want this to be one of those against-all-odds stories like a movie, and you are the underdog protagonist and we are all cheering for you. I am cheering for you. And I’m glad you’re not ready to give up. I want to hear about why you want to be a doctor. What type of medicine do you want to practice?

I’m going to write you a separate letter to discuss numbers 2-4. I have so many thoughts and feelings and questions for you. My schedule is also freeing up so I will have time to write you much sooner than my delayed responses of late. I love this space Nora, having this tiny little corner of internet to talk to you and maybe to others also. It’s nice to know someone is listening. I am always listening, even if I don’t respond for a while, just know that. <3

Love, Ruth

P.S. Congrats on A) NEW JOB! B) NEW APARTMENT! C) NEW HAIRCUT (you look adorable!). Write that personal statement lady, I know you’ve got it in you, put your heart on the page—you are a brilliant writer.

P.P.S. Please re-upload the photo from you letter (titled “dog nut”). I need to see it!