The Quiet Between Breaths

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Dear Nora,

Thank you for your prompt response. Those were exactly the words I needed to hear on such a bummer of a Valentine’s Day. Your seed analogy was especially helpful and comforting! You are a wise one and I appreciate you taking the time to write and care.

My days have tossed me back and forth between two different moods: 1) OMG yes, I love being single, and 2) meh :-/

Your comment about having the kind of sad feeling about not being in love resonated with me. I feel very much whole, very much excited about my life, and very much well… yes, sad…or maybe… a little displaced. I’ve spent most of the last 10 years in a relationship or in a very short space between, during which I was crushing on someone new or crying about the previous person (or both). But now there is absolutely no one. It’s quiet and echoing in here and I think I’m about to get cozy in this big empty space that’s just me.

My favorite moment in swimming is the quiet space, when you grab some air, hold your breath and then put your head under and glide forward under water. Any noise around you goes away. And it’s just you and your limbs and your heartbeat and your thoughts, moving through the water weightlessly.

It feels like I am in that space right now. The quiet space between breaths. It feels like the space where I hear only my own thoughts, and I can reach, reach, reach and move myself forward.

I made a pledge to myself, again. (But for realz this time!) I’m spending 3 months being celibate (Feb-Apr). That will be the longest I’ve gone without sex since I became sexually active at age 21. I know myself well enough at this point to know that physical things are a distraction to me. And I don’t need that. I think it’s important that I’m not sucked into my next thing solely because I get emotionally entangled from a physical connection with someone. Ok, so in addition to the 3 months thing, I am doing 6 months (Feb-Jul) of not considering any new relationships. After 3 months I may start casually dating again, but I’m trying to hold off until the end of the summer before I consider anything “real” again. So help me god.

Side Note: It sounds so arrogant for me to be all like “I’m going to hold off of all these things” like there’s a line outside my door or something. But seriously, 3 and 6 months will be my record and it’s just because I fall into that shit way too fast and too easily and turn into a giggly school girl and I’m determined not to do that this time. Ugh, each sentence I write I feel like I’m jinxing myself. Send the army if I fail this time Nora! This is not a drill.

Luckily I currently feel so removed from “in love” feelings now that I’m having trouble recalling what those truly felt like. Why was I so controlled by them? Do they put me under some kind of spell? What if I’ve lost all ability to fall deeply in love? I’m afraid I’ll never “find what I once had”, like what I had for all those years of being head-over-heals, torturously in love with Kay, because I’ll never BE that girl again. I’ve lost that “me” because I’ve outgrown that version of myself. She believed in all sorts of magic—she lived in a blissfully ignorant and much smaller world. Sometimes I miss her. She was so content with her life because she knew nothing else. But  I can’t go back. I can never be her again, and even though I miss her sometimes, I don’t want to be her again. I’m just going to have to discover a new kind of magic. Or better yet, create my own.

If I know one thing right now, it’s that I don’t want this time to just be the “time between relationships”. I want this to be the period of growing, the time of knowing myself and loving myself. The time of “fuck yes, this is my life”. And it may last 6 months, or it may last 6 years before I find the connection that is truly worth me trading in my single life. But whatever amount of time it is, I won’t be twiddling my thumbs waiting for princess charming. Most importantly—I’m acknowledging that there’s a possibility that she may never come, I’m realizing that is ok too.

Here’s what I know: I only get one life—so I’m sure as hell going to allow myself to be as picky as I like about who I share it with.

I love being responsible for only myself (and Magpie). I love sleeping in my own bed sprawled out and spending my time how I please, and not having my experiences or schedule filtered through someone else’s moods or needs. I check my phone less because I’m not having to keep up any conversations throughout the day. I get more sleep, I listen to more music and I spend less money. I’ve been going to swim, and dancing more and giving myself more grace and positive self-talk. I’ve been filling my basket at the store with mostly healthy things and baking kale chips and eating lots of avocado and treating myself to dark chocolate that melts in my mouth. I love taking a bath for two hours full of bubbles and fancy bath oils and reading a book from the library and having to answer to no one except my kitten who has meowing conversations with me. The best part is feeling that no one else is entitled to my love and my time, except me. I don’t know why I’ve been savoring that so much, but it’s delicious and I think I was craving it.

I think that’s my confirmation that this is what I need. Being alone feels good and feels right to me.

What if I always feel that way? If I’m so happy on my own, why do I keep falling into relationships? I keep assuring myself that I’m not “one of those girls” who always has to be dating someone. But Nora, apparently I AM if my history is any indication! My therapist pointed out that there is probably some kind of need there that I’ve routinely just filled with a relationship, because it’s a comfortable role for me. The need itself is a good and normal thing, I just have to find other ways to meet it. So, what’s the need? I like having someone to help, to serve, to take care of. I like feeling needed. I like feeling like a good thing. I like being adored. As part of my challenge this year of being mindful, I need to focus on ways to fulfill those needs outside of a relationship.

Ok, I’m sorry for the quite long monologue of nothingness. You get the gist. Forever alone club it is! Thanks for the warm welcome back.

An update on Lily: We got together for a bite the other day because she wanted to share some things with me. She is exceeding all my expectations of handling things well and using this time and energy to take good care of herself. She had some roadblocks that were keeping her from fully accepting and loving herself and it is AWESOME to see the light in her eyes as she tells me about the work she’s doing to overcome those barriers. She said she feels like she’s been reborn and sees herself in a new way and she thanked me and told me I was the catalyst to start her on this path. I’m so proud of her, and very hopeful for friendship ahead for us.

An update on Magpie: she gets cuter every day and is my favorite person.

Now I want an update on you! How was the training in February for Crisis Counseling (that sounds intense)? How is yoga in March going (that sounds delightful–a month of free yoga? I’m hella jelly!)? How are Karina and Key? Have you talked to Cory at all? What was your Boston trip for? Updates updates! What are you doing on Wednesday to celebrate International Women’s Day?

fur-ever alone and cat-ing,

Love, Ruth

P.S. We have been writing each other for over a year now! I’m so proud of us.

P.P.S. One of my favorite songs right now is this one by Emily King, called BYIMM (by you I mean me). And it sounds a like a love song thanking a someone for being wonderful, but then you realize she’s thanking herself. When I googled the music video to send to you I was delighted to see it features Tituss Burgess (who is hilarious… I know him from The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt)!

Another day, another heartbreak.

Dear Ruth:

 

I wanted to start this saying WTF but I am not really all that surprised. And it’s not because I am a dead-inside cynical bitch but because of the things you’ve said about her and because you have not been posting pictures on social media. Something just felt off, maybe it was just our friendship has turned into a telepathic connection. Who knows, but I suspected it.

And it makes me very very very sad. I know you loved her and how special she made you feel. It sounded like she was mature and invested. This could have been a great thing, but here comes life again and plays another trick. I have to give you the kudos though, because you sensed it and you acted. You released her from your relationship into a world in which she can find someone to fall in love with who would fall in love with her. Your words reminded me so much of my break up with Trace last May. You and Trace were in the same situation, but you handled it so much better.

You acted with kindness and compassion and let go of the person you loved so they can find something better. You did not fake it until you made it. You did not hold her emotionally hostage. Trust me, she will forgive you and she will heal. I have forgiven Trace and I have healed (albeit slowly). She is going to hurt for a while, and then she’s going to be okay.

According to Sex and the City, it takes you half the time you dated someone to get over them. And this can be very true or very false. In cases of unrequited love (story of my life), I am more likely to agree with Pablo Neruda when he says: Love is so short, forgetting is so long. She will need time, she will need her process. And you will need yours.

When it comes to love and falling in love, I have a theory: You can plant a seed, but you cannot make it sprout.

You pick the best soil, you fertilize, you water, you play music for it, you put it near a window. But you cannot make the motherfucking seed sprout. I have learned this the hard way by trying (unsuccessfully) to grow basil. You picked a great seed Ruth she was great. You heart is good soil, you did good caring for it, but it did not sprout. It is not your fault, it’s not something you can control.

Why do we fall in love with certain people and not others? I have no fucking idea. I would love to be able to pick and choose who I have deep feelings for. Right now I am running through a list of exes and all I can think of is: DEFINITELY NOT, (if I had been given a choice). 

I don’t know if this comes off the wrong way but :WELCOME BACK TO FOREVER ALONE. I got things to say about this. 

Last week, in the middle of ending things with Sandra (which was very smooth and dramaless), fighting with my friend Abby and drowning in PMS, I found myself in a very dark place. But it was a new dark place, it was not the usual. There was a sadness that I could not place. I am not lonely, I am not depressed. What is it?

It was this: I am not in love. I have been in love with someone for the last five years. Mind you, not necessarily in a relationship and not necessarily happy. I went from being in love with Izzy to being in love with Cory to being in Love with Trace to being in love with Cory to now. My heart is for once at liberty. It is exhilarating and terrifying to not have a person. I don’t have a person to daydream of, or to text romantic messages to, to think of when I am singing Baladas or to picture myself with in 5 years. I am dating and I care about my baes. But I have no intentions of investing emotionally in a long term relationship any time soon.

What is it about being in love that is so appealing? Why do we gravitate so strongly towards the intensity? Are the butterflies even worth it? I wish being in love was not such a big deal Ruth. But it is and that’s why we find ourselves in this position. 

I know that things are hard for you right now and I am sorry that your reality is such. I just want you to know you made the right call and that you will recover. 

 

Stay soft  my friend. There is so much love still to be experienced.

Your friend,

Nora

P.S. I love the poster of your goals. GET THAT TATTOO!!!

Gutted

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Dear Nora,

Thank you for writing, I have missed you. I’m afraid my updates for you are far from the “perfect lesbian life”. I ended things with Lily about a week ago and this week has been one of a heavy heart. It gutted me to end it, but I knew it was the right thing to do. Let me go back and explain.

Everything was moving along swiftly and swimmingly with Lily and I honestly could not ask for a better girlfriend. But a few months in, a pit arose in my stomach and a small voice told me “this isn’t it for you, Ruth”. Per my habit, I told the voice to shut up and continued. There was nothing “wrong” in our relationship! We literally didn’t even fight! It was peaceful and easy and fun–we cooked together and took time apart and did all the adulting things. More than that, I was myself, fully, while being in it. The voice didn’t know what it was talking about.

Lily, Magpie & Me being goofy

But it persisted, and it grew louder. It was my gut speaking up. Eventually I started to listen to it, and after fighting it for a while longer, I gave in to the Truth. I was so happy with Lily. But I was not in love. I didn’t have the deepest kind of feelings I needed to have. I have a huge place for her in my heart, and think the world of her, but I didn’t have the butterflies, the excitement, the hunger and fire I needed to make this a long term relationship. Not everyone needs those things… but I know that I do. I had excitement and hope at the beginning of where I pictured us going, but something was missing for me–I realized as we dated–and I knew I wasn’t going to get there. The realization gave me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Unfortunately when it comes to relationships, the long term ones have to be a unanimous decision made by your body, your heart, your mind, and your gut or else they’ll unravel.

And there seemed to be some divided opinions amongst my body, mind, heart & gut that were unwilling to be swayed. The only right thing to do next was to be honest with Lily and to let her go, so that she can find someone who can be in 100%, the way she deserves. I felt a sense of urgency to end it sooner rather than later, since I was the first person to hold her heart like that–I knew the longer I waited the more damage it could do.

That was some of the most painful news I’ve ever had to deliver. She was so upset Nora. So angry and hurt and betrayed and heartbroken. She felt it was so unfair that I never gave her a chance to weigh in on the decision to end the relationship. She said she should have gotten a chance to fight for it. But I didn’t feel right allowing her to fight for something my gut told me was not mine to keep. It’s so hard to explain to someone that nothing is wrong with them, and that in fact they’re the most wonderful person, but still, you cannot stay.

Trust that the most compassionate thing of all is to release those we don’t love hard enough or true enough or big enough or right. Believe we are all worthy of hard, true, big, right love.

–“Brave Enough”, Cheryl Strayed

I beat myself up for a while for not being able to love her the right way, for not being able to give back to her what she was giving to me, in the long term way she deserved. But then I realized how futile that is, and how unfair to myself. So I reframed my self talk:

“It’s ok Ruth. It’s ok if you can’t give everyone, everything they need. It’s ok that you tried to love her in that way and ultimately couldn’t give her that. It’s ok that you went in thinking it would go a certain way and it went another way. You tried. You gave it your best. It’s ok to love someone and then realize they’re not the one for you. It’s ok to walk away. Be compassionate, be respectful, be kind, be thankful. It’s ok to take care of yourself and do what feels right in your gut. I give you permission to love and not end up with someone. I give you permission to listen to yourself.  It doesn’t make you heartless. It doesn’t make you a quitter. It doesn’t make you a liar. It makes you brave. It makes you honest.”

I don’t regret dating her, even though it caused her pain in the end. I know she will heal. I think we will both be stronger and the love we shared will leave more happy memories than sad ones. I know I learned a lot and I think she did too. She gave me a new kind of hope, that it is possible to be free and myself and not people-please in a relationship. I don’t know why she isn’t mine for sure Nora, but I am trusting it. I am trusting that I will know why some day, and I hope she will too. I am also holding out hope that she will be able to come back into my life as a friend, when she is ready. She wants that, too. We have a special connection, and even though it’s going to be different than what I thought, I think there is still something very much worth saving there.

I watched the visions I had for us and our future go out of focus in my mind. And it was like watching a different life that might have been mine, but wasn’t meant for me. Something else is meant for me and I feel it coming. I feel like there is hard work ahead for me this year, I feel like there is something for me to do, to work on, to become. And I feel like I am supposed to do it on my own, and that I will be alone for a while this time. I feel this calm sense of peace, but also the weight of something coming. It may just be growing pains. Whether I like it or not, I am making room for something bigger in my life.

So much in so little time, already in 2017. What else will this year hold? The current political climate has been like a living nightmare, watching it unfold. It is terrifying. I have been heartened by the outcry of people, by the uprising of so many–joining  together to fight to keep progress in place that has already been hard fought, and to push on ahead. Marching in the women’s march. Going to protests. Calling our representatives. I am going to focus on a few areas this year as well. First and foremost, I have come to realize I can only be an effective advocate and ally if I am truly educated to the experiences of others. And there is no excuse for ignorance. So I’m working to seek out the stories of those who have been oppressed in our country. The list is long, but I think starting by understanding better the lives and experiences of women of color especially will help me be able to better fight for my sisters. I have also felt really compelled to better understand and advocate for climate justice, especially as it effects social justice.

I’ve just been asking myself “How can I amplify the voices of those who are silenced?” “How can I share the stories of those who’s stories have been lost or untold?” The first step is to seek out those stories and hear those voices.

I’ve been really in awe and inspired by some powerful women who have charged ahead through endless obstacles throughout their lifetime, recently I got to hear Janet Mock and Dr. Melba Beals speak. I also finished reading Sisters in Law, about the first women on the Supreme Court and the fight for women’s legal equality–Ruth Bader Ginsberg is my personal hero. It was well timed with the women’s march.

Thank you for my hat!!!

I think you are right to focus on a few core issues. So that is where I am beginning. In addition to women of color and climate + social justice, I also feel called to work on building the bridge over the gap in this country. I know it is a huge gap. But the truth is Nora, I used to stand on the other side–growing up I thought George Bush was God’s gift to the earth and that nothing was more wrong than abortion and homosexuality. I feel ashamed of that now, but I honestly didn’t know any better and that was the “truth” I had been taught. And look where I’ve evolved to! Just a big-ole liberal lesbian living on the West Coast protesting Trump and marching for women’s rights. I know there are others over there who would do better if they knew better. I know there are others like me who can change. Maybe I can help them know better.

I am so excited for you and your SLAY goals this year. If anyone can SLAY, it’s you!! I’m happy to be here to encourage you along the way. I am glad we can encourage each other. With the breakup and the political clusterfuckness of this year so far, I am determined more than ever to be mindful of how I use my time and energy, how I treat myself, and to make the most of this year.

Love, Ruth

P.S. Send good thoughts into the universe for Lily when you think of it. She deserves all the good things this world has to offer.

P.P.S. THANK YOU FOR MY PUSSY HAT AND GAYEST PILLOW EVER. I love them so much. Everyone should buy things from your shop!!!

P.P.P.S. I compiled my list of intentions/things to work on this year too!

Whole lot of 2017

Dear Ruth:

I let a month pass before responding and I do not like it. Now there’s so much happening and I have to update you on it all.  First, I am very happy for you and Magpie and your desire to just be alone and cat all day. This is a very common symptom of being happy and not needing much.  It takes work to make balance between enjoying yourself and enjoying your partner within the constraints of whatever free time you have. How are things going with Lily? Did it get extra extra serious after you met the parents? How is she with the space giving?

I have all the questions.

If Mindfulness is your word for 2017 mine is :::drum roll::: SLAY. Yes Bitch! Slay like a Queen!!! I have a tendency due to my mental illness to just simmer in self pity and mope. I am trying to break these patterns, allowing myself to pity party for short periods of time to get it out of my system and follow it with a fair amount of SLAAAAYYYYY. I want to learn to stay gracious and grateful and enjoy what I have while waiting for what I want. It seems like medical school may not happen (for the second time FML) but I am applying to other programs and whatever I get into I need to SLAY.

Just Like you are taking good care for your body (are you? Are you?) I am trying to be more active. I enjoy cooking and I manage food better than I manage exercise. Plus the mental illness wants me to go from bed to couch and couch to bed. So exercise is the hardest part for me. Thankfully, we have each other to keep us in check. Key gave me a free Yoga month and I’m going to use it in March. Talking about Fresh Tracks, this year I am trying to live by the Wheel of the Year and plan my growth and activities with the seasons. January was raining here like crazy and I decided to hibernate. February I am doing a training for a Crisis Counselor Volunteer position and that will take lots of my time, but I am going to start becoming active again.

In March I will use my Yoga month and by April it should be warm enough for me to work out outside (which is literally walking two miles, dog in tow). Keeping busy with all the things help me cope with the waiting in regards to school and all the programs I have applied to. Something has to hit eventually and I will be able to move back East which I really want. I am a bit nervous about making such a transition alone but I trust the Universe everything will come out all right.

In the Polyamorous realms, I am still seeing Key, the guy from the summer. Things with Karina are going well, I think I need to end things with Sandra since that is not growing and we don’t really have the right kind of chemistry. Also, 3 baes is a lot. I do not recommend it.

I took a small trip to NY to recycle my tickets for when I was supposed to go for Cory’s birthday. I went to the Woman’s Right March and had a blast. It was great to see my friends and it really just made me sad that I cannot see them more often (which is why I want to move closer).  I saw Abby and we had a great time, we worked things out and I am getting better at accepting she’s friends with Cory even though my heart burns of jealousy. I also saw Cory at the march and it’s clear than whatever was there is not over. I am not sure if I am still in love with her but I am sure I don’t want to be with her. Maybe in a thousand years when she’s not longer a coward I’d consider it. For now, I keep my feelings to myself and focus on the people that want me in their life.

Representing the Resistance. Queer Resistance, Trans Resistance, Female Resistance.

2017 is going by so fast and with all the changes and all the political scares it’s going to be a busy year. I have chosen the causes I am going to focus on and narrowed it down to three: trans rights, reproductive rights and mental health stigma. Being part of every possible minority puts me in the midst of all intersectionality with very little privilege, however I am a cis gender woman and there’s so much privilege that comes with that. So I have decided to be a Trans Ally and I am learning to navigate that space. It’s hard when you have always been an insider to try and support a community in which you don’t belong. I have never experienced being an ally, I am enjoying the process and learning on the way.

This letter has been a crazy pointless rant but I do hope you enjoyed it. I will try to write again soon with a better program.

Please tell me everything about Lily and Magpie and your queer community in Portland so I can live the perfect lesbian life vicariously.

I love you like crazy

Nora.

PS: I no longer do a New Year Resolution. I make a list of things to consistently work on and here it is for 2017. 

 

Fresh tracks

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Dear Nora,

Happy New Year! I have said Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, but I think it is actually New Year. I love fresh starts, as clean as the snow falling on the mountain. I love the reminder the life is cyclical and there is always opportunity to grow, and start back at the beginning and make fresh tracks.

I spent the Christmas holiday with Lily and her family in Florida, and New Years with her and some friends in a cabin on snowy Mt. Hood. How do I feel about things getting more official and serious? Higher stakes are scary. Holding the heart of someone who’s never entrusted their heart to anyone is an honor, but is scary too–even though I remind myself she’s responsible for herself just as much as anyone. Heartbreak is an exercise that I believe has ultimately made my heart stronger, and if I were to go through it again I already know there is light at the end of that tunnel–but I certainly didn’t know that the first time I went through it. Honestly I think for me the scariest part is that one year ago, I was in the midwest meeting Elise’s parents on Christmas Day. What scares me is the way I go into things with so much excitement, so much hope, and then one year later I’m sitting around the Christmas tree with Lily’s lovely family in Florida, opening gifts from her mother and drinking bloody marys. Reflecting on where things were last year has been sobering to me. I feel like I am just a tiny little fool in this huge universe who thinks I know everything, but then moments like this remind me how small and not in control I am. It’s reminded me to give these moments the gravity they deserve.

All I can do is be true to myself, follow my gut, keep moving forward and humble myself with the knowledge that I can’t know what’s going to happen.

It’s also reminded me to appreciate it. As serious as all that is, the break in Florida with Lily and her family was so good, and lighthearted and fun and refreshing. It felt like the first time that the parents of the girl I’ve been dating have truly welcomed me into their home, in a way that I felt wanted not just tolerated. I had our blog conversations on my mind as I was there, as Lily’s parents are supporters of Trump. Ugh. Lily wasn’t quite sure how they would handle meeting a girlfriend, but they pleasantly surprised both of us. I think it was good for her too, to be herself in front of them in a new way, to see them in a new way.

Hearing your story of Cory and her mom boiled my blood. I really have no words… I know it sounds so cliché, but truly Nora–you deserve better. No one can help if they’re born to racist close-minded WASPy parents, but for her not to defend the girl she loves to that kind of bigotry. The fact she couldn’t even justify her actions to you? Wouldn’t even talk to you over the phone? I kind of feel sorry for her, she’s going to allow herself to remain under her mother’s thumb as long as the money matters, as long as she can’t be honest about who she really is to her family. That girl has some battles to fight. And those battles our no longer yours to share because she allowed you to be a casualty in them. I’m so sorry that it’s ended, and especially in that way. You said, “I should know better than to feel this way”, but try your best to allow your feelings to exist without assigning judgment to them. You can’t expect those hopes to die overnight, especially after you’ve fostered them so carefully for so long.

It would be heartbreaking for you to lose Abby over this. I don’t know your relationship with her or the dynamic with the three of you. But it’s hard to imagine, if she knows the whole situation and knows you well, that she would choose Cory’s side. There are few things stronger than close friendships, and it sounds like you and Abby have something really good.

With the new year has come an irresistible urge to take a step back and look at my life and growth over the past year, and to move forward in a mindful way. Lately I’ve been wanting to hunker down, burrow in my little studio and work on myself.

I want to build a cocoon around myself so I can just focus on the transformation into the person I feel I am becoming.

Possibly the “person I am becoming” is crazy cat lady…

To write, to read, to practice mediation and yoga and go swim laps. Having a cat isn’t helping motivate me to leave my apartment either. Nora, I fucking love this little ball of fur so much! She is seriously like medicine for my soul. Her goofiness getting tangled in her toys, her playfulness running around, her demands for lovins and cuddles, how she headbutts my head with her head and trusts me and lays next to me or sits on my lap. As you might guess, all this nesting desire is not necessarily congruent with a relationship. I think me expressing some of my desire to be home more or do stuff alone has made Lily feel bad in some ways, but she is as understanding as I could ask for and wants to help work towards that balance, for herself too. I feel like I really have never mastered that in a relationship, but I am working on it.

I was proud that my “top nine” on instagram this year showed me being myself, adopting Magpie and going on adventures… and for the first time weren’t focused on a relationship.

I’ve never been so determined to take good care of something as I am to take care of Magpie. As I was researching in detail what types of foods are best for her and what she needs in her little cat diet, I had a moment of realization of why the fuck don’t I take this much care of myself? I have been sloppy with how I treat my body lately, not really noticing what I’m eating, not listening to what it needs. Thinking mean things about it. I have PCOS – a fairly common condition in women that can cause weight gain through extra insulin production and hormonal imbalances that throw all sorts of things out of whack. Regulating my glucose, even on a basic level–just eating things not high in sugar, and getting some regular exercise go a long way to helping my body help itself. How can I say I love myself and if I’m not loving and caring for my body?

My theme moving into 2017 is mindfulness. I want to live an examined life in order to fully appreciate it, but also to not be careless with the choices I make.

I’m so excited for you and your new OKC boos! Slow is good. Cute dates are good. Girls who are actually into girls are good. Can’t wait to see where those may go and I’m proud of you for seeking out new connections.

I can’t imagine how torturous it is waiting on word from med school, so instead of talking about that, I’m going to ask about your plan B that lands you in Philadelphia? I’m excited for you to be able to return to the east coast. Do you already know people in Philly? What is in Philly that you’re excited about? Is there much of a queer scene there?

Here’s to longer days and fresh tracks in 2017.

Love, Ruth

Welcome be the Winter

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Dear Ruth:

It took you a month to reply to me and I am responding in  a week  because I was waiting anxiously for your letter. Thank you for writing to me and please don’t torture me like this.

First of all, I totally fell for the joke. I had started texting my guerrilla friends in the Colombian Jungle and they were getting a militia together to rescue you from moving in with anyone. I had to cancel the entire operation but I am so relieved it was not true. It makes me so happy you and Lily are growing together. You are going to meet the parents so things are getting pretty serious.

How do you feel about meeting the parents and how official that makes it?

CAT!!!!!!!!!

I want Magpie in my arms right now! She’s so beautiful and huggable. It is amazing you found a new place and a new companion in so little time. It feels like a final step from moving on from Elise and that relationship. I love that you are doing all the things for you WHILE being in a relationship. Those two things should not be mutually exclusive but they often are.

I envy what you are experiencing right now with setting roots unto a place. Kind of settling in Portland and creating a community independent of your partner or family. I want to do that too. I want to move to Philadelphia and go to medical school, make the place my home and extend my roots. Unfortunately, I am still sitting in the silence and have only heard more Nos. I am suffering hard by what seems to be the death of my dreams. However, I am making Plan Bs that would land me in Philadelphia. I really want to be closer to my people.

.

Last week was the Winter Solstice. It is the darkest day of the year. The longest night. I had a small ritual as I pondered on the similarities between what nature is experiencing vs what is happening with my life. I have been in such dark places this year. So many break ups, so much abandonment, loneliness, tears, depression. But the night has to come to an end and from now end the days will start lengthening giving way into the summer. That is me. I already feel the waves of  improvement in a lot of areas, things are going to get better and who knows, maybe I even get into medical school.

When it comes to our country’s situation, we are going to have to agree to disagree. I think it’s time to riot, set shit on fire, BURN THE PATRIARCHY, make noise. We will be heard. We have to organize and move. History has proved that, unfortunately, revolutions require violence. The Black community has had to FIGHT for every single thing they ever got. So in my opinion, this is not the time to stay silent and send  thoughts and prayers. It is the time for action, and if that action requires rioting, let’s motherfucking riot.

Coming from Indiana, your experience is completely different than mine. You care about the Midwest and you experienced first hand how differently they live. It is impossible for me to empathize with entire states of people who decided a rapist racist should be the leader. Who have entrusted our country to this monster and now entire communities have to live in fear. If someone does not have fear under this presidency, they have privilege. It’s as simple as that.

To answer your gazillion questions, I am feeling better. New meds kicking in well and they help me stay motivated. I have been knitting like crazy and actually went to a fair to sell my hats. Even my etsy store is populated with whatever I did not sell. I have been productive and doing some great self care. Dog sitting is going well, the holidays help a lot and I have had several little fuckers come stay with me. I am still seeing Key and I have met two lovely ladies from okc, karina and Sandra (not their real names).

Karina is a native Angelina who works with plants. Sandra is from San Francisco, she’s Colombian and Venezuelan and works with youth. I am taking it slow with both of them but I am happy where we are, getting to know each other, enjoying each other’s company. And the company of this bird who crashed one of my dates.

 

 

Cory and I went from Limbo to Hell. And the whole thing burned in flames. I was planning a trip to see her on her birthday, she was supposed to help me pay for it (just because I wanted to feel like she was involved). A week prior to her birthday, according to Cory (several people have pointed out she could be lying) her mother showed up in her school and told her that if she saw me she would be cut off from her family. Cory had to make a decision and she chose her family. I don’t think she understands parents make those threats to manipulate their kids until they no longer can. But Cory was not open to negotiation or risking making her mother upset. I really think it’s about money and not wanting to be cut off financially. But that’s just my opinion. She said she could not justify me even to herself and refused to talk on the phone. Her mother hates me because she thinks I turned her gay and I am brown. YES. SHE HATES ME FOR THE COLOR OF MY SKIN. How ridiculous is that.

I wish I could say I am over the whole thing but I love this person so much more than I should. It hurts that she wouldn’t fight for me, it hurts that her being financially comfortable is more important than having me in her life, it hurts that she would not defend me against a racist, especially since she’s related to the racist, it hurts that she can just let it go. Just like that. Bye Nora.

It hurts everyday. I really thought she was it.

I am allowing myself to heal. I know I have to let go of her, and I am trying, but is hard. I secretly hope for a miracle. I have this crazy fantasy in which I get home from work and she’s in my front porch with flowers telling me she worked it out with her family and is ready to make a commitment. Imagine that. Yeah, that’s not happening.

But that is where my heart has been, reaching for the impossible, resisting acceptance, insisting that our love was real and that it will survive. I should know better than to feel this way, but I don’t. I was operating under the assumption that she was in my life long term. I want to at least be her friend, especially since we have my best friend Abby in common and she hates being in the middle of it all. I do not want to lose Abby over this. I already lost one significant person.

That is the biggest source of anxiety for me right now. And my school plans, that’s a big stressor too.

I spent Christmas surrounded by dogs, watching Christmas movies and eating Pizza. We ordered deep dish all the way from Chicago and I cannot wait. Still debating what New Year’s is going to look like.

I hope you find time to write while traveling and that I don’t have to wait another month.

Love,

Nora

PS: Got this on the mail. Made my night, I love presents in the mail.

Beginning a Revolution

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Dear Nora,

It’s been too long! A month, in fact, since you have written me and I have been so slow to reply. I’m sorry for that. I hope you have been well. I’m glad at least to follow you on social media and see that you’re alive and doing all the things. How have you been feeling? How are the new meds you’ve started? How is the dog sitting business going? Any nice OKC dates? Any more word from Mars? From Cory in limbo land? So many questions for you!

And so much news for you as well.

I moved! As you know I had been living in Elise & I’s apartment post-breakup and was stretching to pay for it all myself. It was time to get out. I gave my notice that I would not renew the lease as soon as it ended, packed up all my things, and voila! New start!

I know you will kill me when I tell you this. But Lily and I talked it over. Yes, it’s only been 3 months… but we’ve been spending so many nights together, and it just felt silly to pay two separate rent payments in an increasingly expensive city. Nora, it was only logical! She had room in her place for me, so…

Well… you know. Don’t send the army!

Ok… I am only kidding. I had to mess with you just a little—did you believe me? I did in fact move, but to my very own little studio apartment, signed complete with a one-year lease and all of my stuff snuggly settled. It feels so great and I love it and it suits me.

I do not live there alone, but my roommate is only 7 lbs and eats canned food like a little monster and she likes to chase feathery things and climb on top of me when I am stationary. She meows at me in the morning, and purrs when I scoop her up and hold her. First thing I did once I got the new apartment was drive out to the shelter and pick out a cat to take home. It was love at first sight with a black and white cat who I’ve named Magpie. She is my little love, and I intend for her to live until I am at least 50 years old. I cannot put into words how happy it has made my heart to bring her home and have her, knowing I get to keep her and care for her for a very long time. Right now I am sitting in bed and she is laying by my feet, warm little ball of fur contentedly snoozing.

Meeting Magpie at the shelter (L), Magpie in my kitchen (R)

Starting over in my new little apartment, with my new little cat, it’s felt a bit like a parallel to my life 2 years ago. When I just had moved to Portland, set up in my first apartment here with the cats. Before I moved in with Elise. Before I sent the cats to their other homes.

I think about that version of me and I feel as though I’ve changed a lot since I was her.

I feel stronger than her, maybe a tiny bit wiser, or more cynical and cautious. I trust myself more. I know myself better. I love myself more. I’ve started to put down roots in this new place and feel like I’m becoming part of communities here. All of that independent from any relationship.

In November, Lily and I and some other friends went to Boston and for some friends’ wedding, and I also celebrated my 30th birthday there. It was special and memorable and reflective for me. It was also somewhat overshadowed by the heartbreaking news of Trump’s victory a few days before. We stayed up late watching elections that Tuesday night, horrified as hope dwindled painfully over those long hours. At some point it was looking so grim I passed out in bed and awoke the next morning to the worst case scenario. It felt impossible, Nora. But here we are.

A friend of mine who lives in Indiana told me while she was visiting this summer, “Ruth, you don’t get it out here in Portland, you don’t know what a real possibility it is he will win.” And I blew her off. That’s what we all did. We blew it off. We made him into a comical sketch and laughed at his absurdity, and now he’s laughing at all of us. Another friend on the west coast said in disbelief: “I had no idea I lived in such a bubble”. 

There is a sick pit in my stomach thinking about all the power he will have, all the things that felt like progress that could be undone. I’m so discouraged. I can’t imagine feeling all of that, and then in addition feeling afraid for my muslim or immigrant status, or whatever else he may choose to target that he considers “un-American”. 

I’ve also been feeling the need to understand. It’s so tempting to label all of the red in the middle as dumbfuckistan. But that misses the whole point. Laughing at them doesn’t help. Hating them doesn’t help. Demonizing other people has never once helped bridge any gap. There is a gap in this country. And as much it infuriates me that it feels like we’ve taken steps backwards, I know that those 62,979,616 people who voted for Trump are not all idiots, they are not all evil, they are not all racist or homophobic, or anti-the-environment or anti-immigrant. I grew up in Indiana and spent my whole life there around those communities of people.

Life is not black and white. It is a big puddle of gray.

And there are honest, hard-working, kind-hearted people who voted for Trump with good, albeit misguided, intentions–whether or not you can believe it. I disagree with their choice wholeheartedly, but the information they received in their corner of the world helped them believe they were making the right call. I pray to the universe that he does no irreversible damage. I am terrified, and a little in denial. I don’t know what the answer or plan of action is here. But I don’t think it’s rioting in the streets and beating effigies of Trump or bullying those who voted for him. I remember conservative people saying horrible, awful hateful things about Obama when he was elected. It’s hard for me not to shudder when I hear those same things now being said by liberals around me about Trump. Are we no different? We have to be different. We have to look for ways to bridge the fucking gap and understand each other. After all, isn’t that what we’re asking them to try to do? Understand us and care about us? I think it has to go both ways.

Ok, my rant is over! I LOVED what you said: ” I want to be more open I want to advocate and do activism. I wanna fight for Black Lives, women’s rights, reproductive rights, gay rights, accessible healthcare, removal of mental health stigma. The Trump administration is going to be the beginning of my revolution.” I think that’s a really good way to approach this.

If nothing else, this should be our biggest motivator of all time to make shit happen. 

Lily and I are moving right along, three months into our new relationship. I can safely say it is unlike any relationship I’ve ever been in. It doesn’t feel suspenseful or half-assed or entangled or co-dependent or game-ridden or fraught with tension or needy. There’s no element of trying to get the other person to do or say or feel what you want. I’m not saying all of my previous relationship experiences have been bad… but this feels remarkably different and healthy. It feels almost silly now that I had ever settled for less of a good fit than this. She blows me away Nora. I am surprised daily by her kindness and thoughtfulness. I can feel how genuinely she likes me, not because of what I add to her, or change in her, or because of something I do or say or a role I fill, or something I may become. She loves me just as me, not because I offer anything.

Because I’m me, she loves me.

I feel safe with her in a new way. She is unselfish, un-manipulative, sincere and honest. She is so happy for me at my new apartment with Magpie, and doesn’t guilt trip me when I need space or alone time. But is always happy and excited to see me again, and makes me feel like a queen. I am doing my best to be cautiously optimistic and keep my eyes open, and watch my words so that time can do what it does best—boils things down to the truth. But I am hopeful, and I think that is ok. She makes me laugh, and when I don’t feel like laughing she cares to take the time to find out why. I’m playful and unguarded with her in a way that continues to surprise me.

At the wedding in Boston with Lily

We haven’t fought at all yet. Should that worry me? I would say yes if one of us was giving in all the time or being a pushover, but it feels pretty balanced and the not-fighting seems to be a result of just open communication and generally on the same page about most things.

She is definitely a hopeless romantic type, but also with a firm foot in reality. She hasn’t gotten caught up in all the things like I have. She hasn’t actually been in a relationship, have I mentioned that? Some of it has to do with her coming out later in life. I also think it’s because she didn’t seem to feel the need just to be with someone, unless it was someone she felt a really strong connection with. She is pretty content and happy on her own, and spent her 31 years of being single traveling and forming good friendships and getting to know herself well and working at becoming the person she wanted to be, as well as furthering her education and career. I admire and respect her so much for that. I remember my desperate feelings of wanting to find someone, even at age 21. But I can tell she isn’t with me just to be with someone. She’s with me because she would pick me, even if she had dated many people before me. As she should! I am pretty great, after all. I joke with her that she just started with the best first (but I also mean it) and saved herself some trouble. 

I am headed off tomorrow to spend Christmas with her and her family. In Florida… of all places. I’ll try to not wait forever to send more updates. In the meantime, tell me all the things! 

Love, Ruth

P.S. I know I’m being pretty insufferable with this in-love new relationship boring monogamy crap. #sorrynotsorry You know I can’t help it!

P.P.S. Trace, please go away and leave Nora alone. 

Welcome to Dumbfuckistan

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Dear Ruth:

Your last letter was so beautiful and poetic and on point. “Love withheld is love wasted” GODDAMN girl, who is you? Maya Angelou? Reminded me of how we met and why I started this with you.

screenshot_2016-11-17-20-05-36Thank you so much for being understanding and empathetic. I was having a really hard time these past two months and you have been there for me. I should start by explaining that it turned out I was physically sick. I had to seek treatment and this sickness was affecting my mental health. I thought my meds were not working anymore and went to the psychiatrist and was sent to a doctor to deal with the physical stuff. Once physical disease was over I was able to seek treatment for my depression relapse.

It seems like what I have been experiencing the last two months was burnout. Any chronic condition has a certain degree of maintenance that you must live with and it gets truly exhausting. Having to pep talk myself out of bed every morning, having to make lists of things to accomplish every day so I don’t just sit on the couch and mope, having to check my mood and wonder if its real or chemical. I was done. I did not want to do any more emotional work. I was very moved when you said that healing was rest. I have always looked as healing as work. Allowing it to happen is just as effective as making it happen. I am more of a proactive person, I like to make things happen but sometimes, you cannot. Sometimes you need to let it happen instead. And that is where I am at. 

Psych gave me a new med and it’s kicking it. I have started gardening again and will be making one in the front of the house. Fairy garden was neglected and flowers died (may have been the cold too). I am trying to start a dog-sitting business (link here) because I am a broke bitch. I tried taking an online drawing class but dropped out in the middle of depression. I think I want to try again. Motivation is returning and I am starting to feel like myself again.

It feels so good. I’ve missed myself.

2016 is a motherfucking joke and Trump is elected president.

WTF America. WTF.

clhswovucaabdo3

I cannot believe dumbfuckistan and the millions of people who literally do not care about my existence. As an immigrant, a woman, a gay person, a brown person, a mental health advocate, I am scared. I am not a citizen yet but my green card puts me in a safe place. I see people who are less threatened by him be more affected than me with this situation but honestly I have been here before. I lived in America undocumented for ten years. I learned to not live in fear, to trust my surroundings, to hide in the urban bubble and mix in like one more American (which I am). And this worked for me. My status was never questioned because I am educated, I speak the language (albeit with an accent), I know things. I lived in the shadows and kept a low profile and stayed out of trouble and this was my safety tent.

I do not want to return to that tent. I want to be more open I want to advocate and do activism. I wanna fight for Black Lives, women’s rights, reproductive rights, gay rights, accessible healthcare, removal of mental health stigma. The Trump administration is going to be the beginning of my revolution. I just hope I can do it from Medical School.

(Side note: no news yet, two rejections so far and das all)

In terms of personal things: I am still seeing Key and Cory is back in my life. I did see her in NYC, I was WASTED. I was one drink away from alcohol poisoning. I barely remember the night but I manipulated her into coming to Queens to prove her love for me and proceeded to send her home and treat her bad. Ended up leaving with my friends at 4am (she stayed the whole time begging me to go home with her and crying) and that was the end of that. It was BBBAAADDDD drama shit that I can do without. She seemed to not have realized how serious I was until I actually left her stranded in Queens.

I enjoyed my trip and spent lots of time with my BFF Abby and my Colombian friends who talk to me on the regular. I regret nothing.

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Union Square twins

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I am an elf among my Hobbit friends

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BFF and I, True Love.

Two weeks after the trip Cory sent me an email realizing the size of her dumbassery and the multiple ways in which she fucked up. It took me a whole week to reply to her but I explained about depression and sickness and how it had affected my mood and she was not supportive or even sensible to it. She has been very apologetic and checking on me constantly now. I just don’t trust it because you know, trust is an issue. I would be willing to try again if and only if she’s willing to help me heal from the last disaster (Trace). As of right now, we’re in limbo.

You said on your last letter that I was giving trace too much power by letting them change me for the worst. BITCH PLEASE. If I had a choice none of that drama would have touched me. But that’s not how it works. And I quote Stephenie Meyer on this one “One thing I truly knew – knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest – was how love gave someone the power to break you”

When you allow yourself to love someone, you put yourself in a vulnerable position. I did and Trace did a number on me. I am healing, slowly but surely. After Trump’s election they reached out “worried” about me.  We have had a few short interactions. Their guilt repulses me tbh. They hurt me, worked themselves back into my life so they could hurt me again. I stayed truth to myself, I loved to the best of my abilities, I worked on it. I did everything I could have possibly done. I am passed the point of disbelief or disappointment and I am able to appreciate the lesson. I am the best partner anyone could ever have, I am goddamn fairy, I should price myself higher.

How are you doing with results of the election? How are things with Lily?

It seems like she’s the hopeless romantic type, perfect for you. I am so happy you have someone and regardless my low key judging I perfectly understand what you mean by “Life is too damn short” Why would you pass on an opportunity for love? Why skip friendship and pleasure and cuddles and cats? It would have been a dumb move.

I was worried about you getting lost in the sauce and moving in with her next month. But I decided to trust your common sense on this one and that if you threatened to move in with her any time in the next year I will personally show up in Portland with an army and prevent it. TAKE YOUR TIME.

I think you spent the most time being single since your break up with K and had great experiences dating multiple people and yourself. At the end of the day you are a monogamous woman (boring…) and want to settle in with one partner. Sounds like Lily is a good partner to you and I hope she continues to be. I am interested on how things are different after Elise and how YOU are different.

Thank you for being a good friend and loving yourself first.

Happy Belated Birthday!!! I need pictures. 

Love,

Nora

PS: I am on OKC and talking to a few ladies, hopefully going on a date soon. I need pussy in my life.

Life’s too damn short

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Dear Nora,

I will happily address your valid (and quite expected) question “WTF?” in a moment. But first, let’s talk about what’s going on with you.

I know you’ve been struggling, but more than anything right now I see you advocating and fighting for yourself in the way that only Nora does and it’s beautiful and I’m proud of you. I was so, so sorry to hear about you and Cory cutting off contact. What I heard in your previous letter before this last one was–you’re still in love with her, but it feels insurmountable–the timing is off, the geography is off, you’re not confident she would be “all in”, even if given the opportunity, and likewise you’re wary of planning your life around her in any way–although you are tempted to. But the result of all this is you feel unhappy, frustrated, distant and constantly missing her, all the while unable to fall out of love with her. Up until now, that is a lot of things outside of your control. And that blows. So then, the part that is within your control is what you ask of her and expect for yourself… Nora you asked for something really reasonable from her that would help you maintain your quality of life equation with her.*

*I have a general theory that every type of relationship either adds to our quality of life, subtracts from it, or has no noticeable impact–romantic relationships should average out to “add” because those are relationships we choose with free will…and why the fuck would we stay in something voluntary that was just subtracting from our quality of life??

You’re not asking her to move. You’re not asking her to make big decisions in her life based on your future plans. You’re not asking to be her girlfriend or be exclusive or even date you. You’re asking for minimum investment, just on a friendship level, from her emotionally. You’re asking to stay connected.  I have no doubt that medical school is a bitch, and makes any form of relationship maintenance a challenge, but if someone is a priority to you, they’re a priority. Period. If she literally cannot give even that much to you (or anyone) at this time… and your heart is hanging in limbo hoping for scraps… I think you are doing the best thing for yourself Nora.

I don’t think that snap you felt was “maybe I am done being open and caring and I am ready to be a bitch” at all. I think those were your instincts of self-protection and self-advocacy kicking in.

You KNOW you deserve someone who is going to be able to give you more than Cory can or will offer you right now. You know it. I know it. Anyone reading this knows it. I know I’ve said this before, but it really is true… sometimes being in love is not enough. And it has nothing to do with her not being a wonderful human being. She seems lovely. But the fact is she is unwilling or unable to offer you what you need from her right now. I know you are devastated. I have no doubt that being in NYC and not seeing her was extremely difficult (I won’t judge you if you caved…). But also, hold on to that pride and empowerment you felt. I hope you were much too distracted with the wonderfulness of being back in that place you love, surrounded by your dear family and friends and having your soul fed, to care.

I loved my postcard — thank you!

I’m playing catch-up on two letters here, so forgive the length! I want to talk about the trust thing you brought up. You say that ever since Trace, you can’t trust anyone. You say you were left hardened by them. Holy shit–that’s a lot of power to give that person!

Trust has been the name of the game for me over the past year. Over the past two years, for that matter. I’ve come to accept that trust is essentially two things: a gut check, and a choice. Trust yourself, Nora. Knowing what I know of you… I have little doubt that you knew what was up with Trace all along. I would bet on it. You’re mad at yourself for falling hard anyway. I would encourage you to be proud that a) your gut knew the truth, and b) you have the ability to fall for someone. Give yourself grace for letting it go on longer than it should have. And DO NOT give Trace that power–the power to harden you and change you in a way you do not want to change.

Healing is work, yes. But also, healing is taking a break. Healing is rest. Healing is new days and nourishment and knitting and Toby and nights filled with new dreams. You decide what parts to take away from your experiences. Yes, there are bruises. But those will heal with time. Focus on the parts you want to take with you.

And sometimes there are almost no parts worth taking and that is ok too.

In the end I think time washes it all back to sea, so just rescue the parts worth bringing along, and release the slimy and stinging creatures back into the ocean of “things that have happened that I choose to no longer have matter”. Trace used you? They failed to love you well, even when you poured out yourself to them? That’s on them. Let them float away into the darkness of the depths of their chosen currents. Love withheld is love wasted–that is cowardly. Love given is never wasted–it is brave. Even if it is not received as it deserves to be received. You loved someone who didn’t deserve what you gave them. Love is not a limited resource Nora. In fact, I think the more we exercise our muscles and learn to love others well, the more we have to give.

Never regret loving someone. You grew your heart in that exercise. They shrank theirs by never letting it fill up with a love of you. You were brave. Loving is always the terrifying and bravest choice.

As you continue to heal and reaffirm your gut instincts, and choose eventually to follow love again, trust will sprout up again too. Love can’t thrive without trust growing alongside it.

Ok, so while we’re on the topic of love being terrifying and following our instincts… here’s an update on me and Lily.

By every calculation I should feel extremely hesitant going into this. But the strangest part of it all (even as I say “what the fuck” to myself), is how not strange it feels. It is such a balance of excitement and peace. Somehow both new and yet familiar as home.

I feel so much myself, my best self with her. I don’t feel like any parts of me are hidden or pinched or shoved aside or shut down. I’m not trying to put on any pretenses. It feels so good! I didn’t know a relationship could fit me so well. It’s like trying on an outfit in the fitting room and just being like “damn girl”… I like how I look in this. How I look to myself.

The importance of that is, I’m not losing myself. I still see me, I still hear my own voice. I am continuing to go to therapy. I am continuing to seek balance in how I take time for myself vs. how I spend it on others. Those things won’t stop being my tasks any time soon. I still want a cat. I’m still paying off my debt. Life in general is pretty much as it was, only now she’s around for it too. Quality of life–elevated! My primary relationship is with ME. I’m not seeking anyone to fill my gaps–I fill them myself. Yes, she complements me in some ways (thank god for her sense of direction–I have none), but ultimately I am just happy to have someone I can be my whole self around, who isn’t threatened by me loving myself and being content with myself. Not only that, but she appreciates and loves that about me!

I believe she is quite a rare find Nora. She is humble and compassionate, honest and brave. She approaches life with the same type of positive attitude as me, and has a bright, natural type of joy in her. She loves hard. She works hard. She is playful, and finds beauty and humor in the day to day. She is patient, and steady and always seeking balance. She loves adventure, and her cat, and pays her bills and buys groceries. She cooks, and loves food (we cook together and I love it). She treats me so well. She gets me, and sees my worth, and thinks I’m special and awesome and is supportive and kind to me. She rolls me over gently when I’m snoring in her ear at night. We laugh so hard together sometimes I start gasping for air. And she isn’t embarrassed of me when I start crying into my soup at Panera after a hard day.

the other day I told her I was going to take a bath and she snuck into the bathroom and got this all ready for me

The other day I told her I was going to take a bath and she snuck into the bathroom and got this all ready for me…

I know it’s fast, and I know how it looks and that there might very well be some people in my life who are judging me. But you know what? I don’t care. I truly do not. Not that I don’t value concern and care of friends and family. But ultimately, I’m the one who’s living my life. I’m the one who wakes up being me every morning and lives with my choices, and who knows the inside of this relationship.

And if I have peace and love and happiness in my soul falling asleep in her arms–then you better believe I’m going to be snuggled up in that spot. Life’s too damn short.

Me & Lily

I’m not certain where this will go, but I am hopeful it’s going somewhere good. I know my worth, I know I’m a good thing, and I want someone who doesn’t just recognize that, but matches it. Based on what I’ve seen and gotten to know so far, I believe she does.

I love you and I hope you’ve come home from your trip with a renewed sense of self and hope! I want to hear about it!

Love, Ruth

P.S. I turn 30 in ten days. Holy crap! I’m going to Boston with Lily & a group of friends for a wedding and then to celebrate my birthday!

P.P.S. Please go find a cute girl to sleep with who is actually into women and who won’t get you pregnant.

P.P.P.S. I am reading Hannah Hart’s memoir “Buffering: Unshared tales of a Life Fully Loaded” right now and loving it so far (probably should throw out some trigger warnings for it… so far her memories from childhood have been rough, dealing with judgmental religion and mental health).

Tu comenzando y yo terminando…

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Dear Ruth,

I know this letter is very close to the last one and I know the last one was all gloom doom. I apologize for all the gloom and doom but that is my life: all madness and melancholia.

I am writing this because I wanted to update you on a situation I am having. I am going to New York tomorrow and I don’t want my post-NY letter to be about Cory at all.

The gist of it all is: I am not seeing her. I am going to NYC on the weekend that she’s free and I planned around her schedule in order to spend as much time as possible together.

And then I lost my shit.

I have been fragile emotionally lately, which pulls me towards withdrawing and staying in my safe zone. Cory is extremely busy with school and has no time whatsoever to communicate regularly with me (or anyone for that matter). I want her to be emotionally available at the very least on a friendship level, so I feel somehow connected to her even though the distance is imminent. She’s not okay with that. She thinks her making me a priority means that we would be on a long distance relationship (which she does not want). is that what it is? Because if that is the case, I am on like 3 LDRs right now with friends (you included) I don’t see regularly but who are available to me and I to them to the best of our abilities and circumstances.

I have been wanting to fall out of love with her for as long as I have been in love with her. Especially because of the distance and the impossible nature of our bond. I have never been able to. I have never been in a place in which I felt strong and capable enough to say aloud to myself that I can move on from her. Until the other day, when something just snapped. Maybe my heart is so beyond tired of loving emotionally unavailable people; maybe I am done being open and caring and I am ready to be a bitch; .

maybe the pain of loving her and not having her became so intense that it actually broke me.

I don’t recognize myself right now. I have prayed so hard for these feelings to go away but I have never had the actual willpower to push her away or move away from her. I had kind of accepted that she was going to be part of my heart and my life permanently and regardless. Until now. I told her I did not want to see her during trip and I think we have cut contact.

I feel both devastated and proud of myself. I feel empowered by my decision, no longer drifting in an ocean of emotions. I finally let this ship wreck and all the feelings will eventually drown on their own.

There will be pain, tears, regret, but that is all 2016 has been so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I am heading to New York City tomorrow. Hoping to make what little time I have  with my friends and family count.

I’ll send you a postcard.

Thank you for being a friend and for being emotionally available.

Love,
Nora