New chapter, new city, new decade, new prospects

, , , ,

Dear Ruth, 

Oh the sweet taste of revenge!!! 

JK I promise it was not on purpose I have been oscillating like a pendulum with so much shit going on. Whenever there’s a free day I literally sleep through it. Last I wrote to you I was in California packing. SO MUCH has happened and I will try to make this letter as short as possible without neglecting anything. 

I moved to NYC on May 16, put 5 suitcases in a plane and got my dog on board. He’s good on planes. I stayed with a friend for two weeks, then moved to another friend for what was supposed to be two months. However, I was accepted into an accelerated masters program in Drexel (I have to complete 15 months of studying and if I have the grades I am immediately accepted to their med school). I am happy with it because it’s the closest to getting into medical school I could possibly get. I just have to work really hard this year. I moved to Philadelphia on June 14 and started my program June 19. You can imagine the chaos. 

Adventures in NYC: left top- a whale saying hello, right top-longest ever pool game since none of us could play, left down- Figment Arts Festival in NYC, right down- me reading tarot for my friends

  

 

While I was in NYC, for around a month, I saw Cory once. It was a friendly hangout and there was nothing romantic to it. We could both tell that there were some lingering feelings there but neither of us was interested in pursuing them. She has a monogamous girlfriend and I have no interest in her at all. Fast forward a month when I am already in Philly, Cory says she cannot talk to me anymore because it makes her girlfriend jealous or some monogamous shit . We have not spoken since and I hope I never see her face again in my entire life because I have wasted enough of myself in this person.

NEXT. 

I did not see Abby. We texted, I sent her a postcard. She occasionally still texts me and I do her, but it’ll never be the same. I wish I could somehow repay her  for everything she did for me emotionally but I doubt I’ll ever have an opportunity. It is a sad ending to a good story. 

Now, in the polyamorous adventures I must tell you…NYC blessed me with this QUEEN. (Oh may gawddddd I am so infatuated) This story starts the first Friday I was in NYC. It was a warm summer night and I was hanging out with a friend. We matched on OKCupid and started talking. I made it clear I was looking to make out with someone because it had been a long time for me and she was down. We met at a bar and sat under the NYC pollution and kissed all night. She’s smol, has curly hair and blue eyes. Her lips are the magic of the oceans…It was amazing. We kept talking and seeing each other and when I was accepted to my program We had a conversation about trying to talk long distance. She agreed and we are still talking. She came to see me for July 4th and I am supposed to go see her soon. Everything is so easy with her. We speak the same language, we are on the same wavelength on a lot of  things. She also has depression so she GETS it. 

I am also talking to a girl in Philadelphia who has caught my attention. We hung out a couple of times and things are evolving but she’s a lot less expressive than me so it’s going very slowly with her. 

omw to Philly

Now, in terms of adulting I LOVE PHILADELPHIA but it has been extremely hard. First of all, I am not working. For the first time in my life I am not working. I don’t have any savings and living off loans is stressful as fuck. I cannot function without a paycheck and I am losing my mind. I am working on maximizing my financial aid and trying to get private loans for this first year but ohmysweetjesus is this stressful. 

Besides the obvious lack of money, the second challenge has been friends. Most people in my program live in the dorms (for the summer) and they are all bonding while I am up here alone in my apartment. I do have one roommate moving in but not until August. I spend a lot of time alone and I feel really isolated in school. I have two friends in Philly, one I made from Okcupid and one from my school in Brooklyn. Through them I am meeting other people and going to hang out, etc. so I am not friendless. However, ever since I got to America I have struggled to fit in with my peers and starting this program, feeling like the odd one out all the time, has not been good for me at all. 

So between the financial stress and the lack of support system I have been on the edge of depression. I can say that I have fought it really hard and used every coping mechanism I know of in order to stay in charge of my life. It’s exhausting battling with a mental illness that stalks you like a monster looking for an opportunity to come in and ruin your life. I have been in Philadelphia for almost a month now and I can see the fog lifting. The worse is over. I hope that the trend continues so that in the next letter I can focus on happier things. 

 

 

Tobias is alive and kicking. It has been 8 weeks since he was diagnosed and he’s doing okay. he takes his meds every day and we’ve had very few incidents. I can see his energy is not what it used to be but he is okay for now. He absolutely loved the package you sent him. I still have to make the doggie cake though. He seems to like Philadelphia well enough. 

Now about you: WHAT ON EARTH?!?!?!?!?!?! 

First of all, allow me to comment on you comparing your partners to your ex: STAHP IT.

Kay was a DISASTER. Yes it was nice and long and the first love blah blah. But it was also unhealthy, dishonest, disloyal, heartbreaking. I am sure that’s not what you want. If you are using this relationship as the “standard” of what you are looking for, you need to change your standards. Kay was a scratch in the surface of what happiness can feel like. As you said two letters ago, you are not the same.

You are a BETTER you. So you are going to love harder, better, deeper. 

I am glad you dated Hannah and I am sad you two broke up. I cannot say I fully understand what happened here. Was it the same with Lily? (she’s not the one/you are not in love kinda thing). It is hard for me to relate to this “date to mate” concept. Is it like you would only love someone if they can promise you a forever? That is so unfair! What if they have 3 months to live? No love for them. What if they are moving to another country in six months? No love for them. What if they are in a life transition, like I was in Los Angeles? No love for the transient. 

I have always said that after you meet “the one”. you will meet “the next one”. I convinced myself from some stupid teenage fantasy that Cory was the one. And here I am wishing I had never met her.

“The one” is a lie my friend. “The one” does not exist. “The one” was created to keep you unhappy and looking for something. There’s no “one”. You are “the one” in charge of your happiness. 

Think about it, if you meet “the one” does that invalidate every other love story in your life? does that mean all others were not real? What if you meet “the one” and she dies? You don’t find another “one”?. Try to divorce from this notion so you can love freely and unexpectedly. 

I wonder what it is you are looking for and cannot find. I wonder why your gut is such a party pooper. I wonder what role love actually plays in this search of yours. Please tell me. 

Since you asked, I am closing this letter with my 30 year old crisis: I have nothing. That’s it. I don’t have money, accomplishments, partners, kids. I have done nothing with my life. At the same time, I feel like starting my upper education at this point has made it easier to deal with the crisis. I have nothing BUT I am working on it and by the time I am 40, I will have something. The partner part is the hardest because you cannot really plan for that. It happens or it does not. You cannot MAKE it happen, the way you do a job or an education. So I just hope I do find partners to share my life with, but I am not settling for crumbs anymore or eating anyone’s shit. I am a goddess and should be treated as such. 

#30 #istillgotit

 

And to think this time last year I was in love with Cory and mourning trace.

Today I am in love with myself and mourning nobody. So much progress. 

I love you and I miss you too. You are welcome to visit anytime. You are a vital part of my life and I am sorry you cannot find what you are looking for in love. Give magpie a big hug, or not, I don’t think cats like those. 

I will be better at writing since I am better settled now. I start therapy tomorrow and that should help manage the crazy. 

Stay Strong

Love

Nora

PS: I will read tarot for you. Think of a question and when you have it, I’ll draw.

PPS. I finally deleted the email I had saved of the last conversation with Cory when she said all those mean things. It’s gone. I no longer need it. I thought you’d be glad to know.

 

 

 

Dusty Trails

, , , , , ,

Dear Nora,

Ok, ok. I get it. You’re giving me a taste of my own medicine, waiting weeks and weeks to reply. It is not fun at all… I am in suspense woman! But for real, I know you’re super busy with all your new life stuff in Philly. I hope you are doing well and school is captivating and your heart is full and Toby is feeling ok these days.

I am writing you again because I can’t keep my shit together long enough to wait for a response.

This week I have found myself wishing that I was a polyamorous fairy like you. I feel like life would be so much easier if I didn’t feel compelled to commit to being with one person. And that when I found a really wonderful human who didn’t happen to be “it” for me I could still date them in good conscience.

But alas, my monogamous heart will not yield. And I hold on to hope that the person is still to come, but I am so discouraged, my friend.  I am getting too old to date just to date. Actually I don’t think I’ve ever really been good at that. (“We date to mate” was the mantra at my Christian college and unfortunately that seems to have stuck with me).

My gut weighed in at about 2 months with Hannah. Before I felt ready, it’s infuriating nuisance of a voice spoke up and informed me that as delightful as I found her to be, Hannah was not my match. Anxiety started to build as I recognized this, and she sensed something was off, so there was no point in putting it off the wretched conversation. We were both extremely frustrated with my gut and I cried more than you might guess a person in a two month casual dating situation would. But I had really grown to care about her, so much. And have known her for almost a year at this point. And most importantly, I want to keep her in my life. Once again, I have hopes of a friendship remaining after the pain has subsided.  It’s so hard to let go.

You know what we’re never taught when we’re told fairytales and love stories as children? That before prince charming, the princess may date some really great guys. That is never in the plot line. She’s either alone until she meets the one, or she dates someone awful and then meets the prince who is night-and-day-contrast, no-contest, way better. But real life is not often black and white like that. It is gray. And real life is Hannah’s and Lily’s and the most kind and beautiful souls I could ask for, treating me like a queen, and me having to move forward with a blind faith that when I meet the one I’m going to rest my heart with my gut will provide a confirmation, not a protest.

And so, I continue to trust my gut. God knows fucking why. But I don’t feel I really have much of a choice. I can’t live opposed to what I feel instinctively, can I? I’ve tried that and then the truth still kicks me in the ass.

It feels like the more I trust my gut, the more in tune with it I am becoming…

Being human is weird.

Back to square one. Back to forever alone.

I’ve been playing the lyrics to this song Lily introduced to me over and over again in my head:

I know I’m no doctor but if I was guessing I’d say it was just growing pains
And painful as growing is we can’t forget it’s our ticket to taking the reins
And we’ll all be okay, we’ll be okay
Dusty trails can lead you to a golden road, I’ve been told
…
It’s all in the manual that we’ve been writing, a future instructional guide
If we skip to add to our pre-fulfilled dreams, we’d be lost without our own advice
We’ll be alright, we’ll be alright
Dusty trails can lead you to a golden road, I’ve been told
…

I finally bought a tent that’s all my own

My heart is tired. I am spending lots of time in nature this summer to restore it. I am talking to my sisters and reading books and snuggling Magpie and continuing on this dusty trail.

Tell me something encouraging. Have you met your Anita Blake? Have good things and people been appearing in your life?

Write me! Love, Ruth

30 year crisis

, , , , ,

Dear Nora,

I have been thinking about you and Mr. Toby as you travel and move this summer. Any and all updates are welcome! Even when I am the worst, and neglecting you horribly. Know that even when I don’t write, I still am thinking of you and needing to write. I’ve discovered when I’m in uncertain times I get a writing block in my brain of how to sort it.

How long were you in NYC for? Are you in Philly now? Also what day was your birthday?? Tell me about your new digs! Give me a Toby update–I have been so worried about him. I miss you Nora! I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to write. I hope you forgive me when that happens.

Also, how was it being in the same city as Cory for a bit?? Also, Abby?

I’m so excited for you and your new adventure. New friends! New poly scene! New things to learn about. All the possibilities!

Hey guess what? I made it to 3 months of celibacy! It was down to the goddamn day, but I made it. More on that in a bit, but I just wanted to pat myself on the back because it was an accomplishment for me.

I had a hardy laugh at myself after reading your letter. “You want to know why you find yourself in this situation? Because you put yourself in this situation.” So thank you for that, and calling me out on my nonsense. I fed the wolf, and that is the wolf that won. No surprise to anyone, I am sure.

Hannah and I began casually dating over a month ago. It has not been an explosion or a tidal wave or anything all-consuming, but a pleasant warmth like the steady heating of coals. She is consistent, attentive, kind and thoughtful. I like not being lost in the sauce. I like just continuing my life as the days get longer and warmer, and gradually getting to know her. Trying to win over each other’s cats, and hanging out for game nights, and sometimes talking about serious things and other times being silly, and sometimes not talking at all and just cuddling so good or laying in bed reading side by side. I think I am falling…but it’s a slow-motion sort of fall–so it is different from what I’ve become accustomed to. And it is too soon to tell anything for certain, so I am working to be patient and take my time. And she is patient, too.

If I learned anything from Lily, it’s that there is no substitute for time passing. And that when I jump to conclusions, it is unfair to all parties involved.

I still feel hesitant for anything very “official”, whatever that really means. But I feel safe and un-judged by her, and in a good place. And very much myself. I want to wait to commit to a “relationship” again until I feel no hesitation, but I also recognize labels are just labels, and the truth is in the thing itself. Neither of us are looking to “get to know” anyone else at the present. We have been calling it “Smart Casual Dating”.

Hannah is a stinker in the guise of a sweet midwestern girl. But deep-down she’s a total shit-starter… but also a compassionate and caring/responsible eldest of four. She reminds me of home. Maybe it’s the midwest, or the family, or the hard-working frugal sensibilities that you gain from a heritage of farmers. I tease her that she is actually a curmudgeonly old man trapped in a 30-year-old cute lesbian. She says things like “swell” and “quite” and “indeed” and “pish posh” and calls dinner “supper”. She lives so much more of her life on the inside that I am used to. I am an introvert as well, but probably an unusually expressive one. And I’ve spent so many years dating extroverts who say the first thing that pops into their head and spill anything they’re feeling. I suspect Hannah is a “still waters run deep” type of person, but I am still discovering what is under the surface. The other day we had brunch with a group of people, many of whom we didn’t know. And when we left, she apologized to me that she was so quiet in the group, and that she isn’t the “life of the party” person. “You know what, Hannah? I really don’t care about that. I used to more, because I wanted to be with someone who did all the talking for me. But now, I like to talk for myself, and so however you are is just fine by me–as long as you accept yourself.”

I have been searching myself and asking some of the questions you put to me last letter. What in me is resisting aloneness? And also, why am I striving for aloneness? And what role does sex play? Why do I want to date, or not date?

I fear settling. I fear selling myself short on something bigger I am meant for. I am mistrustful of my own feelings. I am still drawing comparisons to what I had with Kay–idealizing it in inaccurate ways and worrying I’ll never reach that again.  I am afraid of thinking with my body instead of my brain. I am afraid of hurting anyone else.

I am constructing  wall after wall, thinking it will protect me from all of those things..but perhaps it is only keeping the best possibilities out.

I am afraid of waking up someday, and having it all have passed me by.

Beautiful trip to the Grand Canyon, and hiking trips around OR

And then I ask myself, what is “it all”? What do I want these years to be filled with? What will make me feel like I didn’t settle and that I reached my best potential and found my best “fit” and made good decisions? 30 year crisis, Nora! I’m telling you…

Here is the biggest difference between 20 year old me falling in love for the first time, and 30 year old me now. I used to be “playing to win”, but I feel like now I am just playing not to lose. And that’s really a horrible way to go about life, especially when it comes to love. It’s also time for me to let go of all of my assumptions that just because once upon a time I fell in love in a specific way, that it’s going to look just like that again… so many years later. It cannot look the same because I am not the same.

There are so many ways to be in love.

–Yrsa Daley-Ward

I feel I am making everything into a big jumbled mess but it’s not as complicated as all of that. I want really simple, good things out of life. The things that make me happiest are life’s basic pleasures… making good food, having a cold beer, finding a really lovely flower or lush display of green or taking in a scenic view. A chat with a good friend. A head butt from Magpie or a warm cuddling up under the covers. Weather. Hot baths. Gardens growing. Swimming in the ocean. A handwritten note in the mail. Exploring a new place. Making out and having sex with someone I can snort laugh with. Knowing and loving myself, and feeling like I am adding some good into the lives of others. Getting swept up in a consuming book. Writing thoughts into words. Falling in love… not in a dramatic, flash of lighter fluid burst of flame, but in a slow and steady build of warmth–lit for a longterm burn.  Having a deep friendship and partnership with someone I love and respect, who I am crazy about and who is crazy about me. Those are the things I want these years filled with.

Simple pleasures: cat paws, flowers & chocolate from Hannah, singing with my choir at Pride

Ruth, calm the fuck down and trust your gut.

That is my advice to myself today.

Having a compulsive need to know instantly if the person I’m dating is “the one” is stupid and unrealistic. Holding myself to the expectation that I should know that right away is setting myself up for anxiety and failure. I don’t even believe in the one! I believe in really great fits, and even better fits, and feeling at peace and at home with someone and falling in love and walking through life together, while encouraging and inspiring each other to be your best selves.

Ok, all of my ramblings are done for today. It is late. It is cooling down outside and the breeze is blowing in and Magpie is sitting in the window, looking into the quiet night. Today was the summer solstice, the longest day of the year. But the days are still warming up and I am grateful for the arrival of a new season.

Rambling,

Ruth

P.S. Can you please do a tarot card reading for me? Unless it’s something really bad, and then I’d rather not know…

P.P.S. How do you feel about turning 30?! I suppose your 30-year-crisis was considering monogamy again for a bit 🙂

Fuck that.

, , , ,

Dear Nora,

I have no words. I’m so sorry I didn’t see your letter until this morning.

Fuck the fucking universe—why little Toby??

Three to twelve weeks?? I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS.

This is heart breaking!! I cannot imagine what you’re feeling. I am so angry and upset for you. And for little Toby–I’m glad dogs don’t understand things going on, and he will continue to hopefully live in blissful ignorance and enjoy his time with his most favorite human on earth.

He has had the best life with you, Nora. He is your little family. This is such a blow, losing him is a huge, deep loss and I am so very sorry this is happening. I will be thinking of you both and praying for the universe to allow him to go without pain.

I wish I could say or do something to make this better. FUCK THIS!!! Why is life so fucking unfair??

Call or text me any time if you need to talk or cry about it. Seriously girl, at any time.

Mourning with you,

Ruth

P.S. I know I owe you a longer letter, but everything else in the world right now feels stupid compared to this.

P.P.S. Also, this is not at all the same, because I didn’t have Sweetums as long as you’ve had Toby and I willingly gave her away. But she died last summer, after I sent her to live with a friend she got hit by a car, and I really mourned that, privately. I sat and looked at hundreds of pictures of her and sobbed and felt guilty for giving her up. Regrets, man. Lily made me this little memorial of her, living out her last days outside in Alaska and it made me fall to pieces. All of that to say, you are losing a best friend. I am sure you will love the shit out of him while he’s still running around by your feet and give him all the cuddles and treats. I personally love pets more than most people. Any and all grieving you need to do is valid and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

So much for transitioning smoothly

,

Dear Ruth, 

Guess who decided to get cancer?

Can you belive this mofo? He’s bouncing on me. 

A couple of weeks ago I felt a small lump on his neck. He was not feeling ill at all but the lumps were not going away. I made a vet appointment and had him tested for the origin of the  problem. 

Toby has lymphoma and the prognosis isn’t good. I cannot afford chemotherapy and I would not really put him through just to extend his life for a couple of months. He’s on some palliative medications and he will not be in pain. It should improve his quality of life but not really extend it much. 

They give him three to twelve weeks. I wish I could tell you how devastated I am. 

I sat here yesterday experiencing all five stages of grief, simultaneously. Today, I got busy and forgot for a couple of hours. But the sadness he comes back in waves and returns me to reality. 

I am going to lose my baby. I have to put him to sleep at some point. A part of me, wants to find him dead at some point instead of having to be the one to pull the trigger. 

This is so unfair. He’s only 5 years old. 

My heart is mourning. 

Love, 

Nora

PS. This is us last Sunday reading Spanish poems. He understands me.

You can pass this test!

Dear Ruth,

You are hilarious. I am loving your forever alone update. Your Onesie is amazing and your new glasses make you gayer than gay. Keep taking yourself out to dates, even if taking yourself home it’s not as fun as seducing a hot lady. It seems like the lack of sex is your biggest challenge right now. STAY STRONG GIRL!!! I hope you made your three solid months without sex, but I’d understand if you didn’t, it really is not the end of the world. I think is a great process to learn how much sex means to you and the reasons you need it. I wonder what part it plays in you choosing a partner, or keeping a partner. Like, in past relationships, did you stay for the sex? Was the sex a big part of your decision making? I feel like this is a great time to explore those questions and get to know your sexual self, differentiating it from your emotional self. Those two can be so entangled.

Now, Fuck buddies. Uhmmm I say you go on a dating site, make it clear you are looking for sex, have the STD convo, and BAM, sex. Or you can go on a sex site. I have met people from craigslist (when I first started dating girls, I didn’t know how else to meet them) and is not the same experience. The exchange takes longer and there’s more flakes. Dating apps are different, you have to post pictures, and is easier to spot scammers. Ruth, if  NSA sex is what you need, go and get it!

I am happy you are making friendship progress with your exes. I friendly want to remind you that you don’t HAVE to. Like if it ever gets too hard to be friends with either of them, you can take a step back or make a pause. I just don’t want their friendship to burden you. If Lily is not ready, she’s not ready.

Hannah. My eyes are rolling all the way to Barraquilla and back. Girl, you is playing with fire. You CLEARLY, C-L-E-A-R-L-Y, like this girl. She was on top on your list last summer until Lily came around. You are attracted to her and you want to be around her. Danger zone!!!

You want to know why you find yourself in this situation? Because you put yourself in this situation.

If you are trying to remain single, should you really be sipping wine with cute, smart, sensitive, oh so perfect Hannah? That’s like trying to quit Alcohol and walking into a bar. Listen to your own absurdity “I’m praying that somehow her feelings for me just go away and we stop being attracted to each other.” girl, are you fucking kidding me? Shit dont work like dat. You know this part. Feelings don’t go away on command, they also don’t grow on command. The wolf you feed is the wolf that wins. If you keep feeding this connection with someone, it’ll grow, it’ll never go away.

For example, things with Cory have been improving in that they are dying away. Understanding that she does not feel the way I do, and internalizing that, making it a reality, accepting it as true, has helped me not feed that wolf. I told her I loved her the other day, she said it back but ran away from the conversation. I don’t think she would ever take the steps I want from a partner, whatever has happened between us has been facilitated by me. So I am working on leaving her alone, because once I let her move on, I can move on too. And oh am I ready!!!

I am so ready to find a partner that I was actually considering :::gasps::: monogamy.

It’s just all my (very heteronormative) friends are getting married, I got like three weddings this year and goddamn I want a partner to do romantic corny things with. Ugh. 30 is approaching and it has brought in a huge shift of focus. Prior to this I would have not even thought about “settling down” but I have actually  been flirting with the idea. I think is perfect timing, my witchy side says I am going from maiden to mother, my emotional self knows exactly what she wants. Before this I would always say I only know what I DONT want. But now I can speak in affirmative. I know exactly what I want, and I know she exists.

The triple goddess

Let me tangent a little bit on this: I have been in enough relationships to know which trades are a must, which are optional and which are rotundus no. I feel certain that I will know when I meet her, that she’s a good candidate for a long term relationship. Being in this mindset is a great sign that I am actually moving on from Cory. It started as an exercise on resistance, to distract my mind from her I created an imaginary girlfriend. I got the idea from this poem about an imaginary man heartbroken about an imaginary love. The only real thing is the pain. That’s how I feel with Cory lately. So I made up military chick, who I am mutually in love with, she’s Brunette and half Hispanic because I need them to speak the language. She looks a little bit like Anita Blake. From imaginary girlfriend, I moved into very real dating profile.

Already packing

So to give you an update, I am moving to NYC mid may and from there, at some point in the summer, I am moving to Philadelphia. I am waiting to hear from another program in the same university but I am officially a Drexel Dragon!!! Abby and Cory are aware I am moving, that I am stopping in NYC, and that’ll be less than a mile from Abby but never as far away. I am not sure if I am going to try to see them. I have not explored that enough. I have too much other shit going on. 

 

So I went back on dating site and I change my location to Philadelphia and holy shit the queer poly scene is popping!!! I am slightly ashamed of myself for even considering monogamy, giving up parts of myself because I am lonely. SMH Nora. I am making friends primarily, connecting with other witchy, crafty, natury queers out there. Checking a couple poly people too. It feels good to have prospects of new friendships and connections. It feels good to dream of possibilities. It feels hopeful.

Back to resistance, something that has helped release my feelings for Cory is letting them be. I am going to love this girl for a while, I stopped resisting that. But I no longer feel like I HAVE to be with her. I think I can be happy with someone else. I have allowed both realities to coexist: I love her AND I can be happy with someone else. These are both true.

In your case of resistance with relationships, I think that it’s worth exploring why you decided to not date in the first place. Internal resistance could be healthy if your brain is protecting you from heartbreak. Do you need these six months? Revisit the moment when you made that decision. I disagree with Penny that if Hannah was the one you’d know because, let me remind you, you said you were gonna stay single until 30 and then you broke that commitment to yourself for Lily. And that did not work out. There’s definitely something inside of you resisting aloneness, what is it?

I say stop resisting internally, but don’t give up externally. Accept that you want a relationship and that you want a partner, while also accepting that you won’t have that until _____ (insert month). Don’t resist growth, make more friends, hang out with NEW people instead of old flames, hang out with straight girls, put yourself in situations that won’t make you scream in your car.

End unsolicited advice. Wait, no you did ask.

Keep working on it girl, time is going to pass and soon you would have reached your goal. Think about it his way: if you make it to six months you will be so damn proud of yourself, no relationship would ever give you that kind of feeling. Focus on making yourself (and me) proud.

If it makes you feel any better, I stopped sexcapading and I am parched for sex too. I miss women, oh I miss women. I miss the softness and the hair, the smell of their body.

The struggle is real my love.

Te quiero

Nora

P.S. I finally build up courage to get a tarot deck, and of course it is a fairy deck. I can do a reading for you, any time now. 

 

A Constant Test

, , ,

Dear Nora,

My last letter was so long, I am going to try and be a little more brief this time. No guarantees though… but first—tell me all the things! What’s the latest on your processes? How is your work on resistance going (good resistance vs bad)? Any updates on grad school and moving? Any changes on things with Cory or Abby? How are the sexcapades? How is your self-care going? 

My forever alone update: I have been working hard on all of my aspirations for the year. I am learning to play the ukulele and I love it! I am reading lots of books, and seeking out the stories of others. I am cooking all the things, and often improvising or combining recipes…etc. I am doing some healthier activities and habits for my body and it feels good. I am taking myself on dates and to fun concerts, and branching out to meet new people. Of course I have many things still to do, but my process feels good.

Treat yo self! Got myself new glasses and a giant carrot onesie from Hannah Hart… because… why not?

It feels good. Minus one part. NORA, WHY. Why must sex be this constant nagging little reminder in my brain all the time. “Pst, Ruth… hey… remember me?”. It is insistent. It is loud. I am two weeks away from my solid 3 month goal. And I am proud of me. Some days are just fine, but I’ve come to realize more than ever, that my body and its sexual needs are just a part of who I am and part of being human. I worry a little if something is wrong with me…

But then I remember biology and that I am a 30-year-old woman with a fairly strong sex drive in the height of what my body believes are my time-to-get-pregnant years.

Long story short, I need it and I miss it. Not just actual sex, I miss just physical intimacy… being held, being kissed, having my neck messaged… Yes, I can live without it. I am fine. But not having sex just makes it take up a disproportional part of my thoughts. And apparently a disproportional part of this letter!

Ok, moving on…

Me and Magpie showing off our black and white outfits and lookin cute.

Wait.. never mind, I need to talk about it just a little bit more. Ok, so, I’ve figured out, if I’m going to wait another 3 months before considering dating (which is my intention)… I’m going to need more than just a new fancy dildo. I need a hookup buddy. Like, someone I have no interest in dating, but feel safe and comfortable with and attracted to. Who is in a similar situation to me. I have been mulling over where this unicorn could come from. I think my takeaway from last summer is that occasionally, with the right person, I can have sex without a bunch of emotional complications. I have no fucking clue how I’d broach that subject with someone. “Hey girl, you seem chill and I’m attracted to you and looking for a no-strings-attached sex buddy. You wanna? LMK, tnx. *hugs*” Help me Nora. How do I do this? Do I just need to place a craiglist ad or something? Or is this a dumb idea? Do I just need to deal and wait until I find the next girl I’m gonna date?

That sounds disastrous because I think I’m waaaaaaay more likely to jump into the wrong relationship if I’m on major sex withdrawal….

On the friend side of things, progress with me and Elise has been really positive and no worries about re-sparking anything there. I got to hang with her girlfriend for the first time the other day (remember the one she started dating a month after we broke up?) and I like her a lot. Elise and I are opposites in more ways than we are similar, so I think we’re still figuring out what a healthy and functioning friendship means. But it’s felt like a good thing so far. We are taking it slowly. 

Lily and I are still in a weird zone of not sure how to act around each other. She usually cries when she sees me, and I just feel kinda blah and tell her time will heal this, and don’t really know what else to say. She says all of her romantic feelings are gone, but she still feels jealous thinking about me moving on. So… I think there’s still more to work out there. I, on the other hand, just feel kind of annoyed, and bad for her and occasionally guilty—but also—not really. This is just life. I know my intentions were good, and I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but it is what it is. Am I a cold bitch? I don’t know what I expected in terms of timeline. But I am ready to just be friends. She wants to be ready, but is not.

Hannah. Hannah is a whole other story. Being single again has allowed me to spend quite a bit of time getting to know her. The more I know, the more I like her. I feel a really great kind of bond with her. She is really intelligent and goofy and has just an all-around great disposition and we have fun together and I am myself around her and excited to see her. Last summer when we briefly dated, we had good chemistry, and that has been haunting me lately. Here is someone, available, who I like very much as a person, who I already know is an excellent kisser… but I quickly had to rule out “friends with benefits” because she’s just as bad as I am at not getting emotionally hooked when there’s a physical connection happening. Case closed, right? But then… she told me the other night she has developed some substantial feelings for me. Noooooooooooo. Nora, why???? Why can’t I just have a friend without it leading to more? After she told me about her feelings, I let out a scream of frustration in my car because I was so excited about her and I don’t want to lose her. To make matters worse, I think I am feeling something too. But I don’t trust my feelings. And more importantly, IT DOES NOT MATTER. Because I am not deviating from my plan. 

How easy it would be to fall into that. Far too easy. In a heartbeat, I could be cuddled up next her and deep into it again.

Why do I have this inner resistance to maintaining my single status? Am i sabotaging myself? Or am I resisting being with her because there is something there and I’m afraid of it? Afraid of repeating what happened with Lily? How do I know what resistance is healthy? I don’t have a strong gut feeling that “yes, this is it”, but I also don’t have a feeling of “definitely not”. I instead feel this pull towards her with no explanation of why, but it feels like a special connection, a kinship of sorts. And maybe it’s just a long-term friendship type of bond. But with the attraction to her, and with my sex withdrawals—my brain is fuzzy. I’ve been trying to look past that and just focus deliberately on just getting to know her and feel out why we feel drawn to each other without jumping to conclusions like I did with Lily and breaking promises to myself. Send me all your good energy Nora, I think I’m gonna need some outside strength. I’m praying that somehow her feelings for me just go away and we stop being attracted to each other. But I don’t know how to silence the part of me is saying “what if…? Dating her would be so different for me than anyone I’ve dated…. Maybe different is good, maybe different is right…” I think the best way that I can describe it is I feel fond of her and intrigued by her. 

I really appreciated what you shared about internal resistance (i.e. working against yourself vs. protecting yourself), and I’ve been thinking on that quite a bit. I watched the video and I think there is a lot of truth there.

The issue, like you said, is knowing the difference.

Lately I’ve been feeling a tangle of resistance and I can’t sort it out. My body is being so loud and annoying, and my heart and mind are bickering and I don’t feel at peace within myself. What do I need to do? Isolate myself from humanity? Not hang out around any lesbians? Why does this keep happening? Thank GOD for Penny. Penny is my best friend in Portland, and she and I have never struggled with any other layers of anything. It’s been a pure friendship without confusion for both of us—what a miracle! I’ve known her for two years, and become closest to her over the past year and I honestly don’t know what I would have done without her. The other day I was telling her all about my situation with Hannah and she gave it to me straight “RUTH, if she was it for you… you would know. And you probably would break your 6 month thing and just go for it. But you’re finding ways to justify how she might be for you. So no matter what happens in the future, you need to proceed with ‘she is not for you RIGHT NOW, and probably never.’”

Hannah says she can have a friendship with me, no problem. That she can prioritize logic over feelings and she is fine and it doesn’t hurt her to do that. And that she wants me in her life, whatever form that takes. I am trying to trust that is true. I told her friendship is all I have to offer her. As for me, in two weeks I need to find a hookup l buddy and get some of my pent-up energy out so my brain can clear and my body can be quiet. And hold fast to my process, as you call it. 

I’m working hard Nora. It’s hard to be forever alone, and also hard to ensure I stay that way. Why must life be a constant test that I feel doomed to fail?

I’d love to hear updates from you. And any advice or tough love you have please send them my way. Thank you for lending a listening ear. I love you Nora!

Resisting, Ruth

Of resistance and growth, and being bigger than we thought

, , , ,

Dear Ruth,

First of all: Happy Spring!

These letters are getting so ridiculously long and I fucking love it. This space is such a great guidance for me and a way to document my processes. (I always have a process going on). First I wanted to thank you for repeating all those things I already know back to me. I needed it. I am not able to delete the convo because it serves a purpose at the moment. I am letting go very very very slowly. Cory is ingrained in the depths of my soul in a sick, masochistic way I don’t understand. This is some Edward and Bella shit: fantastical, unrealistic, boderline abusive. I have to give it to Cory she has been very cooperating. I asked for space and she’s given me space. Out of sight, Out of mind.

On an quick update, Abby completely stopped talking to me. She just dumped me out of the blue (maybe she read the last letter?) I am not sure. I am okay with it because of how the relationship was deteriorating. She’s also my only connection with Cory. I had to unfollow her from social media because it upsets me to see her having fun with AJ and Cory. It may be selfish of me but I get major FOMO and jealousy. (why cannot they all be MY friends? The logic answer is because I am not there but lol, tell that to my aching heart.) She came back to say she wanted to have a phone convo to clear the air but that has not happened. Honestly, I’m just hurt she would not address it. I was legit worried something happened to her and then I saw her snap story, she was okay and just avoiding me. I am not sure what is going to happen there but I feel okay with any outcome.

Key and Karina are done. Key has ghosted me because I called him out on some shady shit he was doing. Karina is just going through her break up. I am emotionally alone and loving it. I am sexually involved with someone I am exploring BDSM with but that’s most of a sexcapade than anything else.

On the school front, I got into a program in Philadelphia and now I am second guessing Boston. It’s cheaper and closer to the people I want near. Philly is winning right now. But updates will keep coming. It feels good to have choices even if it’s only for a plan B.

Now I can reply to your letter,

The Loss. I loved that. Becca’s story was so beautiful and I was really moved. I remember how in love you were with your home. I remember living vicariously through your story. I think your energy remained in the space and all that love and devotion is now Becca’s and her wife. You and Kay had a wonderful love story, I personally do not believe in “the one”, but I definitely believe in the “next one”. I am sure the level of intimacy you had with Kay looks unattainable now, but SHE has not come around yet. Stay in your zone and keep growing bigger, She’s out there.

I feel similarly about Izzy. She’s the only person I have been mutually in love with EVER. I have been in love with people and people have been in love with me, but never both. Only with Izzy I had both and sometimes I feel like I wasted “the one chance”. But then I realize I was not happy and I wanted more. I have not had any luck so far but I am hopeful it’ll happen for me. Hopefully with more than one person #polydreams

I am so incredibly proud of you for your first tattoo! And your choir solo! And your writing dreams! You really are in love with yourself, simmer in that feeling and enjoy your love affair with Ruth. She’s amazing. I am in love with her too. Go get Ruth a powerful Rabbit Dildo and have amazing sex with it. Find new places to take yourself to and spend time in with the cat. One you start dating again this whole love affair will dwindle so ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS. Honeymoons are not eternal.

Also points for you for being friends with old flames like Hannah and Elise. Please don’t fuck them though. No sex for what? Three months? You better stay firm on that. Think of it as revirginizing for “the next one”.

Pulled this today.

This letter is so scattered OMG. But I want to end it by sharing something with you. My new process is to learn to identify the different types of resistance. In my spiritual path as a new-age Christian (best label I can come up with), I have gotten a new deck of cards and looking into a third one (this one but not sure if I am ready to go the tarot route). I have been very attentive to life’s synchronicity and I get a lot of guidance from this one witch named Joanna Devoe whose content I love, I listen to her podcast religiously. She made a video about resistance and I am working on that very strongly.

In case, you don’t feel like watching it I’ll summarize it for you. Good Resistance: when your instincts are pushing against the stressor, it’s the universe trying to protect you from the inside out. Bad resistance: when the universe is trying create changes for you that you are not cooperating with, protecting you from the outside in. The challenge is in telling the difference. This has helped a lot with my relationships, Abby and I were growing apart and resisting it, fighting against the universe. I am growing closer to other friends, I needed to stop resisting and just go with the flow of energy that is happening now.

There has also been a lot of resistance in regards to Cory, to doing a masters program, to being single, etc. I am working in placing the resistance and determining if it’s coming from the universe or from me.

I was thinking about this today and there was a sign that sad RESIST in the highway.  Probably related to the political Resistance. But still, the synchronicities are endless.Then I went for tacos this happened:

SLAY sticker on the OPEN sign of my taco place 🙂

I love you very much.

Enjoy the cat life.
Nora

PS. Some pictures from a quick trip to Las Vegas with my roommate who was working there

 

We are bigger than we know

, , , , ,

Dear Nora, 

First of all, let me say congratulations on the new masters program! That is badass Nora! I know it’s plan B (B for badass?), but who knows what new doors it will lead to, or who you’ll meet, or how it will move you towards your dreams or evolve your dreams. The important thing is that you are moving forward, in spite of doors persistently not opening. I am proud of you! (Um also… three words about your interview look: hot damn girl.) You’re slaying 2017 already. 

I’m excited for you to be back on the east coast. I feel like your heart has been there all along. Even apart from Cory. I know the hope you’ve held onto for so long has conditioned you to envision her waiting at the end of that road. Maybe somehow moving back there will be the last step you need to release yourself. Maybe her being within reach and now watching all of the magic dissolve, you will be able to once and for all disenchant yourself of her. I’m sorry that you’ve felt like you’ve regressed lately. It’s ok to take steps backwards—your feet are still pointing in the direction you want to go and that is where you’re headed. I know you’re tired. Feel what demands to be felt. Most importantly, have compassion for yourself.

As far as all of those things she said to you Nora… all I can say is… you deserve a great love (or many!). And someone who says those things is not it.

If someone doesn’t fight for you, they aren’t for you. Period.

Sometimes someone doesn’t fight because they’re afraid. Sometimes someone doesn’t fight because they don’t love you enough, or don’t love themselves enough. Sometimes someone doesn’t fight because they don’t believe, deep down, that they deserve you. Sometimes someone doesn’t fight because the timing is off. Sometimes someone doesn’t fight because they already have too many of their own battles they need to fight for themselves. I don’t know all of her reasons Nora. But I do know, you deserve to have someone who fights for you—through distance, or school, or families. Someone who doesn’t back away and make excuses like “it’s not logical to be together” and “the only reason I have to fight for you is love… and that’s not enough”. The truth is you really put yourself out there for her, risked a lot and sacrificed a lot and invested so much emotionally. You’re not just losing the future you hoped for, you feel like all that you put into it is now wasted. And that’s a shitty feeling. It’s like her telling you all that you invested just isn’t worth that much. (That’s a lie btw… she just doesn’t appreciate the value of what you’re offering.)

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said “she may be who I want, but she’s not what I want.” (Isn’t that just the fuckery of life—Lily was totally what I want, but not who I want.)

I know I’m just repeating stuff back to you that you already know. I will say one more thing… actually, two things. 1) the pain will go away, however… 2) you’ve got to choose to let it go Nora. For the love of god delete those goddamn messages. Stop rereading that convo. Keeping them has served it’s purpose—you said yourself you’ve accepted she’s not for you. What good can come of rehashing it? Delete that shit woman! Obviously it’s about more than a series of text messages, but the first step of letting the pain go is to cleanse your life of things that keep bringing fresh reminders of the pain and rejection.

Boston is new and shiny and all yours. No one is going to dim your light. You are starting an exciting chapter all on your own and a bright path awaits you. 

I’m sorry to hear that Abby has not been a good support for you. That makes me so sad. I know her position is tricky, and I know you care a lot about each other. It is ok to take a step back if that feels like the healthy choice for you right now. For your sake and hers, I hope you will be able to work through that together. But I know that is not always possible when someone tries to remain friends with both parties of the breakup. Personally I essentially lost some friends when Kay & I ended, even though she was the one who wronged me… but then I left. Since she was still there in their daily lives, they remained her friends and didn’t reach out across the distance to me. 

I am sending all the good vibes your way Nora. 

I appreciate your word vomit because it makes me feel like I can do that too! So here goes…

At the end of every relationship, I seem to mourn the loss of that first one all over again. A fresh loss triggers a reminder of the loss. It’s like each new loss is an echo of the first. 

I’m not sure how to feel about that, or what to do with it. I think it just means I have yet to find something that is embedded as deeply in my soul as my life with Kay was. 

I received a message out-of-the-blue from a girl I went to college with. Not someone I know well at all. But had nice recollections of nonetheless. Let’s call her Becca. Becca messaged me on instagram and said told me she lives in my old house now. She gets mail sometimes and recognized my name and looked me up. That, by itself is a fun coincidence. But then she went on to tell me, that after graduating from our small, Christian college she married a man, but it wasn’t until she met and fell hard for a woman she worked with that she really experienced falling in love and sexual fulfillment for the first time. Her story is beautiful and heartbreaking. She spent years trying to suppress what she knew to be the real her. Her father is a pastor, her family is not supportive at all. But in spite of everything she said “fuck it” and was very brave and chose to live out who she is, married this woman, and they bought the very house in Indianapolis that Kay & I used to live in. 

Not only do they live there with her daughter and their cat, they were married in that house and when she sent me photos of them standing in front of what used to be our fireplace, sharing their “you may now kiss the bride” moment my heart exploded with joy and also shades of sadness.

It felt like I was almost looking at my own alternate life. I know a house is just a house, but when Kay and I found that place together it meant so much more than that to me. It symbolized everything I had always wanted. We had done about 5 years of dating during school & being long distance, and it had taken such a toll on my heart. We found this house when I was looking to finally finally move to Indianapolis and we’d be together and truly start our lives. Being in that house meant that my heart and home were finally under the same roof. We moved in and it was literally my dream come true. Gorgeous 3-bedroom, with a piano and a fireplace and a yard. Summers there everything blooming around the house, with parties of friends in the back yard. Winters snuggled up in bed together, shoveling snow off the sidewalk and making a fire. It was never about the house. It was about being there with Kay. Getting to see her everyday was all I had ever wanted. Waking up next to her and attacking her with kisses when she got home from work and taking a thousand pictures of our cats together.

Here is where Becca & I’s stories take different paths. She met and fell in love with a woman who was where she was at. Out and proud and knows how lucky she is to have found Becca. Building that life together and living openly and creating their home. Unfortunately when I was with Kay she was not in that place. So although we had all the ingredients to start that life together, Kay wasn’t ready to accept herself, love herself the way she would need to in order to live like that. Instead of getting married in front of that fireplace (not that we could have at the time anyway, it still wasn’t legal in Indiana), that is where the final scenes of our relationship played out. 

It makes me really happy to know that the house gets to have a happy (and gay) future with Becca & her wife there now. I am sending her this drawing I did of the house when I lived there with congratulations and best wishes. 

I also sent Kay a text and thanked her for the beautiful life we had together. Truly, I’m thankful for it every day. I had a really good thing, for so many years with her. And even though I wanted a different ending, at the time, I know now it’s ok that it didn’t go that way.

Not every love story has a happy ending… but it is still a love story.

My sister told me that once. It’s also ok, that 2.5 years after it ending, I still am mourning it’s loss in some ways. 

As I gain perspective with time and distance, more than ever I have been able to let go of the sad parts. Thank them for what they taught me, and remember the good. I was reminded of this the other day, when Jill reached out to me. Jill is a girl who was unfortunately quite tangled up in Kay & I’s relationship at the end of it. She was a co-worker of Kay’s, and they were sleeping together behind my back. I was jealous of her, without even knowing the truth of what was going on. When I did an attitude adjustment and let Jill into our lives the three of us really bonded and together we all proceeded into emotionally dangerous territory. Kay and I ended up breaking up, I found out the truth of their affair, and then for reasons I’m still a little hazy on, I dating Jill for a brief spell. I mean, it was clearly a rebound, but it was much more than that. It was me hiding in terror from the pain that was about to ensue from losing Kay and being betrayed by her. As I’ve reflected on it over this time it’s also been a source of shame for me that I would date someone who had been sleeping with my girlfriend (aka who had played a big role in causing me immense pain). It felt disrespectful to myself. Anyway, fortunately (and with much hard work) I’ve been able to forgive myself for that, considering all that I was going through at the time I think all I owe myself is compassion and grace.

So yes, I surprised myself when I heard from Jill that I have zero bad feelings surrounding her now. I went through periods of lots of anger and sadness and pain, but now I am able to view her as she is, just a human who fucked up. I have forgiven her, and Kay, and myself for all that happened and Nora, it honestly is the best feeling in the world to be able to have let that go. Repeat it? Never. But harbor it? Useless. Forgive it? Freedom.

She reached out to me to let me know, that she is considering a move to the Pacific Northwest, and possibly Portland. In the future. Maybe. And she wanted to respect the life I’ve created here and just make sure it didn’t make me uncomfortable. Of course that’s unnecessary, but kind nonetheless. I am happy to say that I could genuinely respond to her, without hesitation, that it wouldn’t make me uncomfortable, and that I think good things about her and I’d welcome her to Portland if she made that decision.

We are bigger than we know. So much bigger. If we choose to be.

That’s how I’ve been feeling these days. Bigger than I knew. I feel full and alive and just at the start of something. I am stepping up my self-love game. I think it’s time for me to start writing in earnest. It’s always been a dream of mine to write but also my biggest fear is to try that and fail and I’ve let that hold me back. I have been trying all the things lately that make me scared or uncomfortable. Getting my first tattoo (I say first, because now I just want more). Going to new groups and events to meet new people, that are outside of my comfort zone. Trying out with as a solo or small group for a choir song (I prefer hiding in the big group). Giving more of myself at work, even in areas I don’t feel confident. 

water / feminine divine / balance / creation / harmony

I am not anyone’s other half. I love just being a whole.

Why do I feel so alive when I’m not in a relationship? Is this just an indicator of a thirst that needs to be quenched? Or does it mean something else? Like… I am meant to be alone? And if I feel this strongly why do I still do a double take at a cute girl? I’m not sure, but I do know that I need to continue down this path.

I’m not going to lie, it hasn’t all been easy so far. It’s been almost 2 months since breaking up with Lily. I miss having someone to hold me at night sometimes—I love cuddling so much. I miss having a go-to person to tell things to. I miss sex. Good lord do I miss sex. I’m still aiming for 3 months being celibate but it is… a challenge. 

I’ve been spending some time with Hannah, one of the girls I had briefly dated this summer. That’s been really fun as we’ve been able to move past the dating side of things and begin a genuine friendship. (Elise and I have also been tentatively venturing into friendship territory. I have some mixed feelings about that, but so far it’s been a positive thing.) 

Is it possible to be in the honeymoon phase of singleness? Because if so, I think I’m in it. I can’t really say this without sounding like an ass, but I think I’m falling in love with myself a little bit.

Single and not ready to mingle,

Love, Ruth

P.S. Did you end things with Karina or Key? It sounded like you were right on the edge of that last time you wrote…

P.P.S. Magpie says hi to Toby.

Regression.

, , ,

Dear Ruth,

I do not know how to start this letter so prepare for word vomit. It’ll be an update on all fronts and a little bit scattered.

Firstly, I am with you on the celibacy and non dating. I will personally quote your letter whenever you start with the “I didn’t see this coming but…” and hold you accountable. . If you are really going to stay alone you need to commit to yourself and your process. And heads up, it’s going to suck at times. Being alone is completely new and I am rooting for you but I know that change is not easy. It’s exciting but it’s not easy.

I do not think it is arrogant of you to set those time limits. You are a hot girl who has her shit together. Of course there will be bitches lining up to wife you up. If you were here, I would be on that line too. It’s awesome you are closing shop for renovation setting up boundaries for yourself. But it can get really hard if you meet someone who meets your expectations. I think that is kinda what happened with Lily. You were doing your thing and she came around and you saw a great opportunity for love.

Those moments is when you need to resist and stay strong. Commit to your process and stay firm in your decisions.

I am glad you and Lily seem to be on a good place moving on separate from each other and focusing on personal growth. Of course you miss her. But you have Magpie to cuddle with and she is the only pussy that will never break your heart.

On my end, sighs.

I went to Boston alone and it was my first alone trip ever. I did not know anybody and I was not going to visit anyone. (I did hang out with a friend from NY who just happened to be there. It was unplanned, just destiny). I stayed at a hostel and explored the city alone, my friend picked me up from my interview and we did more exploring. It was a great experience. I loved the place and I cannot wait to live there.

 

The friends I met by destiny

 

I went for an interview for a Master’s Program. Unfortunately, medical school is not happening and I feel like my dreams are dying. I have to do something else with my life and I had a really hard time deciding. I did not want to give up my dream of being a doctor but I am tired of banging on a door that is not opening. Admissions counselors have advised I do a masters of science since the problem is my grades, and that I reapply. But I don’t want to spend more time and money investing in a dream that is giving me nothing but stress and disappointment in myself.

Unfortunately, I am also not ready to give it up.

Slaying my interview

So the compromise I found with myself was to do the masters of science but also do a masters that would leave me more employable, since a MS would not get me any good job I can think of. As of right now, I am going to Boston University to do a masters of science and a masters of mental health, since the mental health one WILL get me a job. Depending on how the science track goes I may or may not re-apply to medical school later.

I am super happy about Boston. But it’s bittersweet. I feel like it’s a constant in my life that I cannot get what I want and must settle for something else. This program is great and the university is amazing, but it’s a plan B. It was not my original idea, I wanted to go to Medical School. I am still processing the failure of the medical school application and I am getting ready for Boston. Looking at summer jobs so I can move early and scholarships because tuition is expensive.

On a personal level things are not pretty. Key and Karina are okay but I think I am ready to be single. Key is being shady and making me not trust him. I am doing a lot of the emotional labor there and I am not sure I want to continue that. Karina is going through a break up so we have been taking some time apart to give her space to end things with her other partner. She may just dump me to go through her process. I am okay with that. I just feel really done right now and especially since I am trying to move soon, I don’t want to lead anyone on. I am in a vulnerable space today so I am not making any moves. I am just updating you on where things are.

Crisis counseling has started and it’s rough but I am enjoying it. Yoga is going well too, the place is super weird and into a lot of healing exercises. It’s less physically intense that I am used to. It;s Korean based yoga, not Indian based so it’s super different.

Cory. Sighs. I have been so well on that end. Very proactive with my healing and keeping my emotions in check. We barely communicate, she sends me memes I respond to them. If there’s ever a conversation it’s initiated by me asking how she’s doing because unfortunately I still care. I have been crying all morning because this week I regressed a lot. It has been a slow downfall since I went to Boston.

I have seen her in every trip I have taken in the last three years. My brain is conditioned to seek for her as soon as I get off the plane. She was very present in my mind while I explored Boston. My moving back east was the condition she had given me to be with me. I have concrete plans to move back east now and my heart is hoping this is the time I have been waiting for. To finally be with her like I have been wanting for the last three years. However, that is not possible and in my five senses I promise you it is not what I want.

I want to be with someone who is ready, who communicates well, who shows affection, who understands my depression. I wanna wake up to I miss you texts and love poems on emails. I want to be with someone who is independent, or has at least faced enough hardships to relate to my struggles with money, not having a family, being an immigrant, etc. I want to be with someone who meets me half way instead of placing conditions that only apply to me (like she made her plans with herself in mind but expects me to make mine thinking of her). I want to be with someone who is not dependent on their mother and/or easily manipulable. I want to be with someone who thinks I am the shit and does crazy things to be with me. Cory is none of the above, she does not think I am worth standing up to her family. Being with me is too hard for someone who has had a relatively easy life surrounded by support and privilege. She may be who I want but she’s not what I want.

I have been chill and celebrating my emotional freedom for the last few months. I can say I have been good since like Christmas. But this week, between making Boston plans, getting my period and having several dreams with her I am in the mud. I have been crying all morning because I am tired Ruth. I am tired of loving her and I am tired of hurting. I am tired of being so obsessed with somebody who does not feel the way I do. She may have been in love with me at some point but that’s not enough for her to want to fight for us.

In december when the whole thing exploded, she said so many painful things and my masochistic ass saved that conversation to remind myself of who she is and how she really feels. Here are a few things from that script: we have no real basis for a relationship, I don’t deserve to be in the picture, she’s doing what she needs to do to get through the next four years (valid:staying away from me so she can have her family’s support to get through school), she wanted me to just listen (when she told me I could not stay with her and she could not see me) but I made it about me (basically she expected me to put my feelings on hold to deal with hers and I refused), I blame my emotional downfalls on other people, and my personal favorite, and I quote: “Honestly if I had a real reason to fight for you besides just loving you I could, But I’m not going to fight for something that just isn’t feasible right now. It’s not me being 22 it’s us having no actual basis for a relationship. Any argument against us being together I can’t argue against. I can’t fight on feeling. I’m too logical and I cave”

Read between the lines: I am not worth it. She says she’s logical I think she’s weak. Someone strong would have fought for me.  I left my last partner because I had feelings for her. I was basically homeless when Izzy kicked me out of the house for lying to her. I have been spending money I don’t have and going out of my way to see her at any given opportunity. But she does not think I am worth fighting for.

I don’t mind this as much as I used to. I think I have accepted that she’s not for me. But I expected acceptance to stop the pain and motherfucker is not gone.

I was good for a couple of months and this week was the absolute hell.I had to constantly stop my brain from making fantasy scenarios in which she grows a pair of balls and comes to find me. I had to re-read the conversation to remind myself she DOES NOT WANT ME. I had to cry in the couch and just accept healing is not over and I have so much work to do. I even made myself vulnerable and borderline pathetic and told her to not contact me because my healing has stunted. She appreciated the honesty since I could have just blocked her ass.

But I am so tired Ruth. I want it over. I want to happily plan for Boston without the cloud of her rejection obscuring the sun of my new beginning.

To make matters worse, I lost Abby. The drama with Cory and and a couple of incidents we had made me take some distance I am not planning on recovering it. She was there for me through a lot of things but she simply is not there for me anymore. I don’t want to make a big deal out of it. I have done this before, demoting someone from best friend to just friend. And it works better than trying to force a level of friendship  that is simply not there. Abby has been taking a very mothering role I don’t appreciate. She addresses me like she knows better and I should listen, she passes judgement. It bothers me a lot because she has not been dating in years but considers herself the authority in the matter. Gave me a whole schpeal about how I am older than Cory and needed to be the better person (after she did all the horrible things she did), sided with Cory, sided with Sandra. I just don’t feel supported by her for many reasons and I have decided to take a step back. She feels the distance but does not want to have a conversation about it. So I think it’s just better if her and Cory stay friends and I simply move away slowly.

So much loss is occurring but I like change. I don’t, however, like pain. I am going back to crying in the couch now and hoping this roadblock in my healing is just that. I pray to God and the Universe that I can go back to smooth sailing and continue towards my new port. I pray I stop hurting.

Please keep me in your prayers and send all the good vibes this way.

I am so grateful to have you and this space to vomit all my woes into. And then flush them.

I love you. Stay happy, stay single.

Nora.

PS: Some seeds do sprout. Some Fairy Garden blessings that make me smile.