How one thing leads to the other

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Dear Ruth, 

As I went through my to do list for the week, I saw your name sitting on the lines since Monday waiting to be crossed off. I went to the dentist and then the pharmacy. Walked around in circles, burning time and in the mean time, listening to a podcast. Inevitably, the distraction I chose to forget about you, brought me back to you as Lidia Yuknavitch was in an episode I was listening to.

She was talking about failure, about “all the times [she’s] had to reinvent a self from the ruins of [her] choices”  and how we have the ability to reinvent ourselves endlessly. You can hear the whole thing here. This was so well timed. I officially withdrew from my graduate program yesterday. I am a drop out and about to reinvent myself.

First of all: how do you like my 30-year-old-crisis haircut? Hamsters included.

The short version is that my grades were unsatisfactory and I would not be able to continue in the program. I was offered a different program but rejected it and preferred to withdraw. This was my last attempt at becoming a doctor and I failed terribly. I am both mortified and relieved. I feel empty but also free.

I have been in a bubble of fear for the last few weeks, trying to figure out what’s next and build up from the ruins; but I was going the whole wrong way about it. However lately, I have been going on walks, I am walker. It helps me think.

On a walk

When I start walking the questions rain on me from all directions: what am I gonna do now? should I be a nurse, a teacher or a social worker? should I get in tech, sex work, writing? should I stay in Philly or go somewhere else? should i get a full time job or two part times? what am I doing tomorrow? As I walk they fall into piles, like dirty laundry I am able to sort them out. Darks, lights, heavy questions. I don’t actually answer any of them, the answers never come but  it does not matter because the questions disappear as soon as they lose their power.

I am okay with the uncertainty in a way I have never been. I can see how it is good to be alone. It would be too much pressure if I had a partner to support or a child for example, even a dog. Me alone I can deal with. I am looking for work and spending some time learning to code online. I am going to make time to read actual books. I am always listening to an audiobook or a podcast but I miss the feel of the pages, and the smell. I am also making community.

The Queer community in Philly is very active. I have been to a couple of events. All sort of things from sex party to sober brunch to crafting. I have been on a few dates and made some friends. There are a good number of Queer and Trans People of Color in Philadlephia. The scene is great and I like that there are lots of sober spaces. For a long time the gay community has been associated with bars and clubs but we are moving towards more inclusive settings. Having sober spaces means youth, sober people and anyone who does not drink can participate.

I am not sure where this year will take me professionally and I am okay with that. More than okay, I am excited. Since I was so focused on medicine, I did not explore anything else in depth. I am excited to see what is out there and all the things  that I can do. I just ordered the book “Outrageous Openness” because that is exactly what I feel.

Some of my more personal projects include:

  • keep studying A Course in Miracles
  • write more
  • participate in the community
  • join a church or an organization
  • get better at tarot
  • get a profitable side gig
  • get over the fear of driving
  • go on a solo trip
  • go on a group trip

    “I need coffee” Fairy porcelain I recently acquired.

I was really happy to hear about you and Jessie (and Magpie). You sound so in love with her and it is fascinating to see. I liked the gift you made her, so cute! (so gay!). I am glad she brought you to the coffee side because there is nothing else to live for than coffee.

I am ready to see you go through your writing class: please tell me everything about this. What do you hope to get out of it? what do you want to write about?

Thank you for being a great friend and returning to me!

Love, 

Nora 

P.S. Song of the year for me: I rise up by Andra Day 

 

I don’t always neglect writing, but when I do it’s for 4.5 months

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Dearest Nora,

I could start with profuse apologies for not writing for so many months… but instead of that, let me just say: I miss you and I hope you’re doing so well in Philly and I can’t wait to hear another update from you! Life has swept me up in a giant wave of wonder this year. Instead of stopping to observe and write about it I have just been experiencing it.

I’ve had something of a writers block. Or rather, with things happening so quickly, every time I’ve sat down to write you I get overwhelmed trying to catch you up on everything that’s happened and I have trouble putting it into words and I give up.

So here I am, finally writing you. And I’m not going to go into a chronology of everything that’s happened since August. The long and short of it is: I fell head over heals in a way I didn’t know was possible.

The love of my life strolled in and stepped into that role as though she were born for it, and life will never be the same now.

Before we moved in together during October, my heart had already set up home with hers. I know in terms of time it is early still. But by other units of measurement, we have known each other for much, much longer. My heart is at home. All the parts are aligned. In a little over a week, I am taking her to the Midwest with me to meet all my dear ones. Words cannot contain my excitement to have my worlds collide.

Gift I made her to commemorate how we met

In lieu of a detailed updates, here are some snapshots of life right now:

A day in the life: Ruth, Jessie and Magpie  Snugglin in bed as we press snooze multiple times and Magpie parades around our heads demanding breakfast, and then begins attacking our feet. One of us gets up to feed her and she sprints to the kitchen in excitement. Morning routine of packing lunches, taking showers and most importantly, make coffee.

Jessie really upped the coffee game in my life and the coffee she makes is so damn good that I only drink it black now.

Out the door to our quick commute to downtown Portland, as we’re leaving Magpie is getting settled in her shark bed to snooze for the day. General job craziness ensues and then evenings are filled with side jobs, other activities like choir, friend hangs or cooking dinner and unwinding. Sharing all our stories from the day and venting or laughing about the disaster and joy that is the world we live in. The day ends with me taking a hot bath & reading, or us cuddling on the couch watching Netflix or working side by side on our laptops, usually with tea or a whiskey, Magpie sitting on top of us bundled under a blanket, or bringing us a toy that she wants to play with. And then bed, falling to sleep with “I love you’s” in my ear, and her kisses on my lips, Magpie curled up at our feet and the sleeptimer set on the TV as we drift off to a favorite show (currently: Castle). My heart is filled to overflowing.

hella bonding

We drive each other just the right amount of crazy. She makes me laugh, she gives me butterflies, and I’m daily in awe of the woman she is–full of passion, empathy, love and stinkerness. She listens to me and shares with me and treats me like a queen. She has no doubts, and I have no doubts. We both know what we’ve found. We are not without challenges and disagreements, but we are committed to the process of building this together.

I recently read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson (highly recommend–it’s a quick and inspiring read). “There are only so many things we can give a fuck about so we need to figure out which ones really matter,” is the overall premise. As I finish out my year of “mindfulness” this direction of thinking has been extremely helpful to me. I am someone who gives a fuck about way too many things and too many people. I feel like I need to help everyone, and be everyone’s friend, and take responsibility for all the things… I always thought that giving so many fucks somehow made me a better person, but the reality is: it meant there was a lot of stuff taking up my time and energy that wasn’t necessarily the things that matter most to me, or the things that build me up, or help me grow, or feel fulfilled. Life is so quickly passing by, and as I embark into my 30s, I am digging into what I give fucks about, and why.

I am saying “no” more. I am giving less of myself away. I am doing more soul searching when it comes to relationships in my life. I am doing my best to not do things out of obligation or pity, but out of only sincere fuck-giving.

Doing things that I don’t want to do, but because I “feel bad” doesn’t make me a good person, it makes me a disingenuous person.

Jessie is a self-described “people pleaser in recovery” and this has been both our biggest challenge and best challenge to work on alongside each other. We share similar tendencies in this area and it has resulted in both of us being taken advantage of for much of our lives. I say that, not as a “victim”, because, after all, we teach people how to treat us.

I say it as someone who is finally taking responsibility for this–I am owning my choice in life, of what I am going to give a fuck about.

Together, Jessie and I (and Magpie) compiled a list of the things we want our days and weeks and months to be filled with. Slowly, but resolutely, I want to work on filling my time with and using my energy for these things. I’m sure I will share updates on this!

One of those things for me is writing. I love writing. Even if nothing ever comes of it. Even if I’m complete crap by someone’s unit of measure. Even if I have nothing new to say, and no great way to say it. I have been filling my time with other crap in an effort to avoid having to try, and quite possibly fail, at a genuine writing effort.

Another book I’ve been reading is The Chronology of Water, a memoir by Lidia Yuknavitch (*all the trigger warnings for this one*). I heard Lidia speak at two different events this fall, and she moved me deeply. She’s a writer who lives in Portland, OR. Her process and love affair with writing and literature spoke to something in me. For my birthday this year, Jessie enrolled me in a writing workshop Lidia teaches. I will be taking it this spring and I am absolutely terrified. But terrified in the way you are when you know you need to do something that’s going to challenge and scare you.

So much more to come. In spite of my lack of writing recently, I hope you still know that our friendship is definitely one I give a fuck about.

Please send updates on how your heart is, and about you hamster friend, and your community in Philly and how school is going… and your exploration into career plans. And all the things! I hope your holiday season is filled with loves and pretty snow and warm moments.

I love you, my friend.

Ruth

Carry freedom in your heart, carry justice as a goal, carry love in every fabric of the fiber of your soul.  –”Freedom” by Tret Fure, a song I’m singing with choir ♥

I don’t always procrastinate, but when I do I write to you

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Dear Ruth, 

 

 

I am answering my last letter since you seem to be too busy lesbianing to write to me…but that’s fine because it makes me realize how much I miss you and forces me to write to you. I had fun in my trip to Woodstock, NY.  Small town vibes, I dig it. 

 

 

First of all, I will have you know. that I am using this blog as coping mechanism/procrastination tool because I cannot study. This weekend has been a lot of wasted time because depression and anxiety are having a party in my brain. I am fighting it as best I can but I had a really rough week that felt like a hurricane and now I am picking up the pieces. 

I had three exams. I did not do well. I also did not fail, but I am disappointed because I put in SO MUCH WORK. This program is breaking me in ways that I did not expect and that has made me doubt the legitimacy of my goals. I often ask myself how badly I need to be a doctor and why. This is extremely hard and if I do not succeed in this program, that probably means I don’t have the academic stamina to be a doctor and that idea scares. I am sure I can find something else to do with my life, but I have such a fear of failure. 

I realized last night as I lay in the dark, unable to sleep, running on anxiety that I am trying to overachieve because I want to make my pain count. I want to do something so big that it makes up for the amounts of loneliness and suffering I have experienced. I left my family really early in life and I have missed out so much of the human experience that I want to make up for it with a career. This wound never heals and nothing I do or stop doing makes the loneliness better. 

Medicine is not a career you can do for the wrong reasons. So this is my tester. I need to divorce my emotional shortcomings from my career plans and approach them separately and directly. I do not know why it took me so long to realize this but better late than never. 

I have 4 exams coming up together and I am behind in material because I have mostly watched Netflix and cried. (The Gaga movie had me bawling). Also, I miss Toby a lot. 

As you can conclude from my rant above, your care package came in SO HANDY. I have actually made the tea into Ice Tea and it is the bomb. The light catcher is on my window and it’s the best thing to look at in the morning when I don’t want to get out of bed. You are the bestest and I am so lucky to have you.  

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let me give you a short update on the Queer Philly: I am starting to like it. I decided to give that queer couple who stood me up a second chance and they have made the best of it. Their names are L & M. M is supper femme and L is gender-queer. They have given me a lot of attention and I am enjoying dating them a lot. I am getting a little scared because, naturally, I am starting to develop feelings for them. It’s such a strange experience to have these emotions grow simultaneously for two people. I almost do not know what to do. 

I am being careful, however. I am keeping taps on my heart and making sure I go slow. I am open to falling in love if and only if the other person expresses that they want that also.

I am not going there alone again. HELLS TO THE NO. 

Being 30 makes me feel really empowered. I no longer feel like I am figuring it out, I now know things. I trust myself so much more and regardless what depression and anxiety have to say, I am genuinely happy where I am in live. I built this whole new life in a whole new city by myself and for myself, in a matter of months.The only thing I really wish I could change was Toby leaving, but that is not anyone’s fault. 

I want to hear all about you. I want to hear about Jessie and being in love again, at this age, with this person. I was reading some love quotes, and I wanted to gift you this one: 

TELL ME EVERYTHING

I love you dearly

Nora 

Writing from the bus

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Dear Ruth,

I write this letter to you as I gaze into the void of the garden state. I am crossing NJ in my way to New York City to meet up with some friends and go upstate to someone’s birthday. I feel slightly guilty about doing, but there’s no guilt-free pleasures anymore. I was trying to watch some lectures bu the wifi is spotty and it annoyed me. I know it has been a long time since I wrote and I am sorry it took me so long. Every break I get it’s mostly spent sleeping, or doing some sort of self care thing in order to stay sane. This school thing is really hard.

Let me begin by addressing the biggest hardest change, rather briefly: Toby died. He died on August 8th, 2017. I have so much to say about grief but I will be making a letter to explore just that. I am not quite ready to say anything other than I miss him every day.

The week after Toby died I had my first official graduate school test in biochemistry. I got an F for effort. The second test (yes I am already on round 2 although I’ve been in school for less than two months) I got a B for badass. So that improved. Then I took my first microanatomy test, got another F for effort and to be fair I deserved it. I was so focused on recovering from the biochemistry F that I neglected the other subject and crammed it in like 48 hours. I was so so exhausted I was falling asleep during the test.

I have been reaching levels of exhaustion I had forgotten existed. I have dreams about the material, I am always catching up with something. There’s so much to learn at all times. It’s really overwhelming. I am making sure I take care of myself as much as possible while also doing well in school. It sucks because I really want to excel, I am tired of being average to below average. I want to be at the top of class and I do my best but, really, I don’t know how to. Between Toby’s passing and failing tests I have had a pretty rough start.

The fact that I recovered in biochemistry makes me hopeful since I feel I can re-design my methods to work better the next time around. Medical education, they say, it’s like sipping from a hose. So much is thrown your way and you just try to swallow as much as possible. I need to keep my GPA on the higher end in order to matriculate into medical school next year, so the pressure to succeed is on.

~end rant about school~

Here are some nice pics of Philly, I am loving the place!

The flame in Washington Square is ever burning, the brush with paint drop is my favorite sculpture so far. Then, a random highway somewhere.

On other wordly news, I am very unimpressed with Philadelphia women, and men to be totally honest. I have been on a few dates that lead nowhere and with a people who are mostly fake. I thought I had a good prospect when I met this queer polyamorous couple who are also kinky and seemed very interesting. We went on a few dates and made out, I was so looking forward to having an all girl threesome. But then they stood me up. This was last night, they showed up more than an hour late to a date that one of them planned, picked the time and the place. Like, WHY?!?!?! I know shit happens and I am trying not to be a bitch here, but having TWO people stand you up is double the humiliation. They were super sorry and what not, but I am still not sure I can get past it.

I sat alone in a beer garden, for an hour, just watching hipsters in their natural habitat. I left and my stupid phone decided to die so I couldnt get an uber, I returned to the beer garden and borrowed a charger. They arrived with their sorry ass faces and I was beyond angry. I did not want to make a scene so I just told them I was leaving, they offered a ride and I said no. The end.

I am tired Ruth. School is consuming my life and I wish I had a person, or two or three, to hang out/make out/cuddle/sex with. I do not have the time to actively look for a partner and I really want one. Can it just fall on my lap like yours did? There’s a couple of pretty cute first years in my building, but I would not even know how to flirt, especially since they are so much younger and damn, kids these days.

The state of my love life

On the other hand, I do enjoy being alone (that is until I don’t). I like NOT being in love with anyone. I like feeling in control of my life. I like that my heart feels safe. I have been in love four times, I think. One out of four I think I felt at peace with it. It was with my ex Izzy and I think a big part of it was because she was also in love with me. Other than that, being in love feels as a period of longing and wanting and never getting enough. I have such a bad taste in my mouth from Trace and Cory, they make me not want to go there again. At least, not anytime soon.

I do not mean that I am avoiding or that if the opportunity arises I would not pursue it. I am just not actively chasing butterflies. I am going through a very spoiled phase in which I just ask myself: “is this person here to worship me?” If the answer is NO, they can go. I want to be pursued, I want to be chased after, I want someone who is eager to see me and touch me.

Maybe this crazy mindsets of mine is why I am single at 30. However, I do not mind it terribly. I am single by choice and I firmly stand by the decisions that have led me here. Even the mistakes seemed like a good idea at the time.

Two days ago, after the last exam I read the tarot for myself. I asked about my love life, which I never do because I honestly don’t wanna know. The future showed a person. This was unique I don’t really get people cards. They are a very safe person, someone reliable although slightly boring. I wonder who it is, and if I’ll go for it once they arrive.

Now on to you Ruth, WTF is this: “Do you think there are things that are parts of us that exist outside of time and place and know better than our present selves?” I secretly hope you were experimenting with acid, in which case, it makes sense.

I am really happy you met Jessie and that you two are so disgustingly into each other. It’s a bit refreshing knowing that we can still at this age and after all the heartbreak, reach the bright intensity that only love can give. I am glad you are going all in, because really what else is there to do?

If two people are in the clouds, the best choice seems to be to ride that cloud and see where it takes you. It may run out steam and crash at some point OR it can go to neverland, and narnia, and maybe even The Shire. It’s most definitely fucking worth it so enjoy it Ruth. Enjoy the time you have with Jessie and the love that is growing.

You deserve it.

This is getting kinda long and I am almost at my destination.

I’ve missed writing to you.

I also want to write to Janet and talk a little bit about my own coming out story, but I guess that’ll have to wait until the next bus ride.

I love you dearly.

Nora
PS: I am on a tablet with public wifi. I hope this thing is formatting correctly. 

Bright Path (Letter from Reader)

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Dear Ruth,

Thank you for taking the time to reply so thoroughly, I really appreciate every word that you wrote. I would truly love to hear from other people and look forward to this very much. I need to rewire my brain and allow myself to put into place a future that I have visualised for my whole life. A future that I have not seen modelled by anyone in my life, so would love to hear from others about.

I was clearly very predictable in my personality traits as I deeply appreciated the to do lists and will reply in accordance with them… 😊

Number 1. Self- Love

I would like to start off my reply by saying that I am a bit worried that I came across as miserable in my first letter. I promise that I am a happy person, and fun (I hope!)

It upsets me that self love, or in fact the lack of it, was the over riding theme of my letter. I had not noticed the negative language that I use in my writing about this topic. I’ve gone back and read notebooks and lots of it was from the negative stand point that you identified. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.

I think that this was actually the most powerful thing that you wrote to me as it has already changed my writing.

I have no doubt that this will in turn adapt the way I think and speak about myself, in a more positive light.

You’re right, I’m not comfortable looking myself in the mirror and telling myself those things but I will work on this. Say it until you believe it! I do know that I have lots of good qualities and skills and have written them down as you suggested but that would be rather self indulgent to write those here so I’ll leave those in my journal!

(I take it back actually, your best piece of advice was to buy myself some lovely food, I greatly appreciated that one, as did my stomach!)

Number 2. Pride

That link you added made me laugh through the tears, thank you. It made me think up some wonderfully creative ways to do it, but very boringly I think I’ll have to stick to the original way.

“You and I both know, that’s not going to be you. You are bursting at the seams and you are ready.” This line changed something for me. You didn’t for one second question me and that felt amazing. It is so validating. I wasn’t expecting that. When I wrote to you those weeks ago I knew who I was. Goodness, I can’t even write it! I’ll try again. I knew and know that I am a lesbian. But I have always questioned myself. How could I be gay when I have openly flirted with men (if only out of show). Bizarrely, I spent a lot of time and thought worrying that I had made all of this up for no reason. Have I made myself gay through what I have exposed myself to? Ridiculous I know. And totally untrue. You saying these things helps with this and shows me that I can feel whatever I wish to and that is okay. I can trust myself because you think that I’m ready to (and too). Part two of validation is coming up later…

I know that I need to take a leap into this community. Recently I have been researching groups in the cities nearest to me. There are a couple and I could go. I will go. At some point, I will go. I’m done with putting time restraints on myself so I’m just going to tell myself that at some point, I will go. Your journey with your LGBT choir is one that spoke to me. I love to sing and I actually lead a children’s choir. I am hopeful that this might be a better option for me than groups (going on my own is not overly enticing). Talking to strangers is tricky but singing I can do. I will research this more. I’ve also downloaded OKCupid. Haven’t quite been brave enough to fill out the profile yet but I have ticked the Gay box. However, you are correct, friends are definitely what I need first.

I bought a bracelet that has a compass engraved on it. It’s beautiful and tiny and I haven’t taken it off. Every time I catch a glimpse of it I’m reminded to question myself, which direction am I going in and which direction I want to be going in. Now I just need a signal to everybody else. I am very straight passing, very feminine, so maybe I’ll have to up the anti with my pride symbols as I come out to more and more people to make it REALLY obvious! Of course that was a joke, I am actually looking forward to breaking a few stereotypes, I do not look like how my family for instance visualise a gay woman. Whatever that should look like.

You were correct in your estimation, I have been immersing myself in LGBT literature, poetry, music, podcasts, YouTube videos, films and more. They have been my saving grace. Literature and music are my greatest loves and have offered me such solace. Poetry (particularly slam actually) has been my version of your great Katy Perry suggestion. I listen and learn them and then speak and shout along to them. Feeling every word. (Shouting one of these or listening to music that will out me in my own house is a risk that I am now taking. I bought the house, I should be able to listen to what I like within it. I’ve even allowed myself to have the window open- shock horror!)

Numbers 3 and 4. Support and Prepare for Various Outcomes

Writing has always been a big passion of mine so I really appreciated your tasks that involved putting pen to paper. Words are powerful and healing. They are my creative expression.

One of the many videos that have been my saving grace is Hannah Harts sympathy for being in the closet. One of the lines hit me hard “The closet sucks. It’s not safe. It’s static”. I hadn’t thought of it this way before but I have been paused. Static for over ten years, for what? I will move forward now. I have already made big strides forward with these letters and with what I am about to tell you…

My sister asked me once, years ago, if I was a lesbian. How I long that I hadn’t lied through my teeth. I had the perfect opportunity this week when my sister came to stay with me in the UK. It would have been the perfect time to tell her but I just couldn’t. I visualised how she would be affected by it and how she would have to keep it from our parents as I am not ready to tell them yet and I just couldn’t do it to her. I can see that I have used negative language here (thanks to your guidance) but I am no longer feeling that I have missed my only opportunity. You made me see it is never too late. And anyway, I’m still reeling in success as I have made such a massive step forward.

Your letter was the final push that I needed. I was at breaking point and feeling very alone. The more I have immersed myself in this part of my life, the more I have distanced myself from everyone around me. I am so proud to tell you that I told my best friend last night.

We spoke for most of the night over video chat (she lives abroad also). I was so terrified. I have tried to tell her for many, many, times before. I wasn’t going to let myself down again. I pressed call and there was no turning back. I swore lots, shook lots and even had a sick bag at the ready. Anyway, I told her. And to my astonishment she said that she knew. Here’s the second point of validation.

I felt some relief but mostly just pure joy that she almost justified my feelings.

She knows me so well that she picked up on the language that I was using and on brief passing comments that I have made over the years. After this I went on to spill all of my thoughts, feelings and interests that I’ve been hiding for what feels like a lifetime. She listened, commented and asked questions. It was perfect. Although it did feel very bizarre hearing her talk about my future, imaginary girlfriend. Nice but weird. Then we spent the next few hours gossiping and chatting about the other aspects of our lives. This was the greatest thing that could have happened as it showed me that our relationship is the same as it was.

Nothing bad happened when I told someone. Life actually resumed as it had always been. Magic!

How do I feel now? That’s a question that she asked me and I found hard to answer. I didn’t feel the instant relief when I said the words but I woke up with a smile this morning. I adored just talking about the thoughts that I have been keeping in my head. I took her back years to different times when I had tried to tell her. I felt like I was being honest for the first time in a very, very long time. I have achieved something huge that I wasn’t sure that I could do and it feels great. And the world didn’t end. In fact, it became lighter.

I wrote out a table as you suggested and as you probably predicted there were many negative or merely stagnant outcomes on the ‘What Will Happen If I Never Come Out’ side. The hardest one for me being the prospect of not having children. Or not sharing the experience of raising a child with someone else. On the ‘What Will Happen If I Come Out’ side there were some negatives too, I wrote out worst case outcomes. However, mostly, they were positive and there were twice as many points than the other. When it came down to it I would still be safe even if the worst happened. And anything other than this wouldn’t matter in the long term. I could say the things that I have been thinking but editing out. I could be free. As I thought about my best friend I wrote “My best friend will love me anyway” and I was right. That has done wonders for my confidence for trying again.

So, there is something that I didn’t mention in my first letter but you wrote about in your response. Religion. Unlike your family, my family are not religious. However, my individual sense of faith has always been very strong. The way your father responded is kind of how I have been responding to myself for many years. And although I have now accepted myself and my sexuality I still feel a draw to Christianity. I went to Church, Sunday school and a Christian School. As a teenager my faith was at its strongest as I explored it further. But, of course, this was also when I started to explore my sexuality. (Ironically with the same girl with whom I was exploring my Religion with). This is where the conflict appeared. I am doing something that is wrong in the eyes of the faith that I feel drawn to and have been taught. Can I be a Christian when living this lifestyle? I suppose that is actually kind of my question. Can religion and homosexuality ever coexist or live alongside each other? How can something that is meant to instil peace actually place on me such fear? Obviously I know that you won’t have the answer to these questions but I would really like to hear other opinions on this matter. However, I also appreciate how personal it is so will understand if you cannot or would prefer not to respond. I also really hope I haven’t offended anyone, that is NOT what I aim to do. Let’s face it, I just don’t really know and am asking for knowledge.

Obviously I still have far to go, I have only told one person and am still no further with the ones that I feel will not be accepting. I sill struggle immensely with how to tell my family and my work colleagues who have seen my flirtations with men. I’m not putting pressure on myself to tell anyone else for now. I have support. I’m going to let it sink in that someone else knows and see where everything goes from there.

There is a long road ahead of me but I can see the light that you were describing. And it’s beautiful.

I would still love to hear from the other people if they are still interested in writing to me. I know that I am no longer sailing alone but we are still only in a two-man canoe and neither or us have ever sailed this sea before.

“You will take a little more power out of the shame each time you tell someone.” This gives me hope. A lot of it. As does the rest of your letter.

Number 5. Know That the Best is Yet to Come

I changed the last assignment slightly (instant Fail grade for me!) and took on the role of my future self and wrote to the present. It forced me to think about what I am doing at this time in my life and where I want to be which was actually really cathartic so thank you.

Dear 26-year-old Jane,

Well done, a big, great, massive well done. Firstly, well done for writing this letter. I know that you put it off, apprehensive as to what your future might actually be. Afraid to dream in case you were never brave enough to make the changes that you needed to. You gave yourself a second chance. You put the colour into your relationships, adding depth. You gave yourself your best life, so thank you.

You can breathe deeper now. You don’t have to hide or change pronouns or conversations. You are lighter and free to do, talk about and what you want to. Your thoughts are yours and back under your control. You don’t have to focus upon just this aspect of your character. There is more to you and it is shining now.

Also, I hate to tell you but actually no one cared about this as much as you did. If you could read this, I would tell you that this is all consuming for you because it is all about you. Other people first care about themselves. You were the news for a few weeks then people moved on, on to their lives. Your way of life did not affect them. It will blow over. The water will settle and you will come up for air in a place familiar but different. A place you knew before but only partially experienced.  

You will still feel. You will feel more than you ever imagined possible. The all consuming thoughts and uneasy emotions will be replaced or resculpted into love. Love for yourself built on foundations of respect and bravery. You will be proud to let others see the light in you and in return you will shine the light on others. Be kind, be forgiving, be appreciative, be spontaneous. Keep fighting and you will move forward. Fumble along the tunnel and find your way out of the shadows.

Love, future Jane

Ruth, I hope I can do this. Here goes the rest of my life…

“You never know what could be coming in the future. There is so much music that you’ve yet to hear.” –Hannah Hart: Buffering.

In the Shadows (Response)

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Dear Jane,

I have been thinking so much about your letter. Not only thinking about it, but talking about it to people in my life. I have a response for you today, but I may have some more responses for you, not just from my perspective–but from the perspectives of some other really amazing women who have gone through what you are going through right now. I think it’s invaluable to hear from others. And also, for you to know how truly not alone you are.

First of all, I want to thank you for writing me. That was so incredibly brave of you to share your story. Thank you for trusting me and Nora with it. Thank you for sharing it, not just with us, but with whoever else finds this.

When we take a risk and are vulnerable with our truest stories…the ones we are afraid to tell, that is when the most beautiful things happen on this earth. That is how we understand we aren’t alone.

My response to your letter is… I have 5 assignments for you. I figured as a teacher you’d appreciate tackling this like a list of to-dos. 😉

1. Tackle Operation Self-Love

The loudest part of your letter, was not about your desire to find love, or your fear about telling your father or godmother. The biggest relationship challenge that you have right now is the one with yourself. She is hurting. You said things like “ashamed” “shutting myself away” “something stopping me” “afraid” “living a life I don’t want”, with judgment against yourself about when you should have known, when you should have come out. You talk about stealing time from yourself, and apologizing to yourself.

Stop. Beating. Yourself. Up. Take a deep breath. Look in the mirror. Tell yourself you love yourself, unconditionally. No matter how gay you are, or how long it takes you to come out, or what else happens moving forward. You’ve got to be your own biggest advocate. She doesn’t need someone to be hard on her–life dishes out plenty of that shit. Forgive yourself for all these things you’re blaming yourself for. Say it out loud! Tell yourself “it is OK that you’ve waited to come out. it is OK that this is scary as hell. it is OK that you’ve felt ashamed and hidden this part of yourself. it is OK, and I forgive you.” Maybe also pay her a nice compliment about her hair or something. My dear, you are a gorgeous human with a huge heart. You are clearly a hard worker, a smartypants and a badass, and a great friend and daughter and teacher. Have compassion for yourself! It’s going to be ok. I’m going to say that multiple times in this letter. But you need to say it to yourself. You are going to get through this, but you’ve got to be there for yourself first. You have to have your own back in this.

When you have these negative thoughts and lies come into your head, things like “it’s too late” or “you’ve missed your chance”, acknowledge that voice and then dismiss it. Replace it with the truth. “I am going to get through this. It’s going to be ok. I’m proud of you and who you are. You are doing your best. I love you. I forgive you.” Having to hold something like this in for so long is so hard and scary. DO NOT give yourself a hard time for that. It’s been hard enough! Change the messages you tell yourself. Treat yourself like you would treat a close friend. No matter what happens with other relationships for the rest of your life, as long as you live you will have a relationship with YOU. Make it a good one.

In addition to the positive self-talk (keep saying it until you start believing it), do things that make you feel proud of yourself. Do things that make you feel like YOU and a badass. Do things that scare the hell out of you. Buy yourself some really good pizza and chocolate.

2. Find your Pride (even if it starts out small)

There is no right or wrong way to come out. Some people do it all at once with a big announcement, some people write it in icing on a cake, some people come out to others one at a time over many years. Anyone LGBTQ has to tackle this one way or another, or else live out their days cramped in a dark closet. You and I both know, that’s not going to be you. You are bursting at the seams and you are ready. The good news is that you are out to yourself! That is HUGE. All those years when I was writing Fish Out of Water I was dating Kay, and the whole time we were together she wasn’t out to others, let alone to herself. As hard as that was on me, it was so much harder on her. You have already done yourself a really big favor by recognizing this truth about yourself and accepting it.

I need you to stop all the judgment about timing of coming out. It is not your fault you are not out yet. I mean, technically you could have told people, but it’s the immense pressure and judgment of the world we live in that has made you feel trapped and unable to share this. Don’t take that blame upon yourself.

Unfortunately we still live in a dumb world where people generally assume everyone is straight. Thus, coming out is a reoccurring need if you are going to be open about who you are with people. The other good news is that the more you come out, the easier it gets. The first person I told was a therapist, when I was doing study abroad in Australia. I sobbed for our entire session as I told her. I was shaking. I used up a whole box of tissues. That was 10 years ago. The most recent person I told was a random co-worker who I don’t know well who asked about my weekend and I mentioned my new love. And when she asked “how did you meet him?” I replied without a second thought, “oh! she and I met through mutual friends.”

Not only do people assume everyone is straight, but unfortunately far too many people seem to still believe everyone should be straight, and that there is something shameful about being anything other than that. This is where Pride comes in. It sounds like you’ve done some seeking out online of queer connections–reading blogs, finding books or shows with positive gay role models. Those things were key for me. The next steps I took after that were to meet people who “get it”. I know you live in a small town. Maybe take yourself on a weekend getaway to a bigger city, somewhere with a gay bar or queer center. Some kind of events or meetups or anything LGBTQ-related. I’m so proud of your for joining tinder! I know that must have been terrifying. I think it could be valuable for you to get outside of your town for a bit and feel a little more free to be yourself. Go somewhere where you are anonymous–where no one knows you as gay or straight or a teacher, or anything about you! (Note: if you do this, just let someone know where you went for the weekend and be safe/check-in.) Put on a favorite outfit that you feel confident in and go dancing. Buy yourself a tiny charm with a rainbow or something and wear it somewhere hidden if you’re not ready for people to see it. But you’ll know it’s there! And it can be the tiniest act of secret rebellion and pride. Start somewhere.

Make an epic gay playlist. Sing “I Kissed a Girl” by yourself in your lovely cottage and scream it and dance.

More than dating right now, I feel like you could use some friends who are LGBTQ. Some apps let you specify friendship. That’s just a thought. It was years before I started finding lesbian friends. But before then I went on OKCupid searching for friends and found some lovely humans who were allies or who identified as queer. I used to just go hang out in the evenings at the only gay bar in my small city, and it felt so good to be around people who got it.

3. Build Support

That leads me to your next assignment. You need some support. It can be just one or two people. But you need to say the words out loud. It will relieve SO much of this pressure that’s building up. It sounds like your sister and best friend are great candidates for this. Think about if this situation was reversed, and they had a big part of themselves they shared with you but weren’t ready to share with the world yet–wouldn’t you be happy they trusted you with this important thing? Wouldn’t you be willing to keep that for a secret if they asked you to? Don’t worry about asking them to keep it a secret, that is a perfectly reasonable thing to ask! And you’re not saying keep it a secret forever, you are eventually going to get all the way out of that closet. Support is essential. It will help you keep up your courage when you start telling others, knowing you have someone on your side. It will help you not feel alone.

Allow those that love you to love all of you. Find one or two people you feel MOST safe with, and trust them with this part of you.

They might also have helpful advice when you decide to move forward in coming out to others, such as your father and godmother.

If not one of them, maybe there is someone not as integrated in your life that could be good to reach out to. When I came out, before I even told my siblings, I reached out to my older gay cousin, who I didn’t necessarily know super well. It was really helpful to have someone who was a little more objective, but still really cared about me, tell me it’s going to be ok.

Also think about finding a therapist. Therapy has been a lifesaver for me. Especially during defining times and big steps. Having an objective, non-judgmental person who has no ulterior motives and no vested interest in the direction of your life is so powerful. Because they literally just want what’s best for you! And can help you guide yourself through this. It would also be invaluable to have someone you’re meeting with before, during, and after coming out. They can provide a good perspective and watch your evolution and growth. They are also bound the secrecy by law! Haha. So you are safe there. Just something to think about!

I cannot describe the immense freedom you will feel telling this truth to someone face to face. You will take the a little more of the power out of the shame each time you tell someone.

4. Prepare for Various Outcomes

Sit down with a sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left side, write “what will happen if I never come out” and make a list of how you think your future will go if things remain as they are. What are you gaining? What are you losing? What do you look forward to? What do you miss out on? What are you excited about, and what do you fear? Take your time and really think it through. Then, on the right side of the page, do the same thing for “what will happen if I come out?” and envision your future in that scenario. Obviously you don’t know what’s going to happen in either case, because we can’t know the future–but take an educated guess.

Essentially it’s a pros and cons list. I’ve made lists like that for so many things in my life. What’s helpful, is it usually shows you where your heart lies, and which direction to move in. Not only that, but you can see it’s going to be ok.

Here’s the truth: you might lose some people when you come out. Or at least, they might not be as close as they were. But you distance yourself in your relationship with YOU as the alternative.

Think through your different outcomes. Think through worst case scenarios. Think of how you will feel. Think through best cases. Think through 20 years from now, what will matter. 5 years from now, what will matter. 6 months from now, what will matter. Think about what you want, in your soul. More than a job or car, what do you really and truly want out of life. Yes a partner, but also, authenticity of being yourself.

A few things will happen when you come out. Some people may be unhappy or hurt, or say hurtful things. Some people may surprise you with much better than expected reactions. Some people may be confused, or scared, or excited. But no matter what, you will be FREE and you will be true to yourself. That freedom is immeasurable. You will find your people, they will be drawn to you living genuinely and being brave. If your family doesn’t stick by you, or if they can’t accept you, and it will break your heart. But you will be ok. Also remember, sometimes these things take time with people, and they come around. Think through the worst cast scenarios and then picture yourself in that moment. Tell yourself, you will be ok. Think through how you will be ok. Have a game plan for taking care of yourself afterwards. Built that support.

When I came out to my father, I braced myself for the worst. He is a religious man, and holds fast to the Bible in the traditional sense. I knew he believed it was a sin. I told him, and he did not take it well. I was shaking, I was terrified. The conversation turned into an argument, and point by point he came at it as a debate that he was going to win. “You’re not gay, it’s just the ‘cool’ thing right now.” “You’re not gay, you just haven’t been able to get a guy yet.” “You’re not gay, I found your old journals once and you had a crush on a boy.” “You’re not gay, this is just a perverted channeling of your sexuality.” “We must have done something wrong for you to turn out this way.” “This is a choice, you are choosing this.” And it went on. And at the end of it, I did ask him, “Dad, would you rather have me be happy, or have me be straight?” and he couldn’t look me in the eye and give me an answer.

But many years have passed now, and we’ve revisited conversations. And I’ve seen him shift in the way he views this. I’ve seen how he’s treated partners I’ve brought home. And I have forgiven him for negative things he said in that moment. And he is so different now. I have NO doubt that if I framed that question again, he would say he wants me to be happy. Not only that, but I believe our relationship today is closer than it’s ever been because I am completely myself with him. My point is, it’s taken time. Prepare for the worst, and even if that is what happens, it’s STILL going to be ok. And it doesn’t even mean that relationship is lost. AT ALL. Even if people like your father and godmother react poorly in the moment, give them time. They love you.

Believe that love will win.

If the alternative is to not tell them, and keep the relationship… what kind of relationship will that be in the end? Each comment, like the one your godmother made, will slowly chip away at what you have. It will create a gulf between you. The more you accept yourself, without giving them a chance to accept you, the bigger the divide will be. And in the end, you will have only a partial relationship remaining.

If they fail you in this way, if they cannot accept you, you will find a way to form a new family. A family who accepts all of you.

I don’t think that’s your future. But even if it is, you’re going to be ok. I know I keep saying that… but it’s true!

5. Know that the Best is Yet to Come

I am going to tell you what someone told me when I was going through a dark time. “This bright path awaits you.” There is a bright path waiting for you, my dear. There is a bigger, fuller life waiting for you. A life that is something you will be proud to own and embrace. A life with a true love, a life where you are fully known by those who love you, and a life where you’ve shed your shame and walk with your head held high.

A life where you are most proud, not of your success or your work, but of your authenticity and bravery.

For your last assignment, I want you to write your future self a letter. Thank her for going through the hard things you will go through, thank her for fighting for your life. Thank her for being brave. Tell her all the things you want for her. Tell her you love her, and that you’re going to put in the work to get to that future.

YOU GOT THIS.

Who on earth told you 20s are the time of your life?? As a 30 year old looking back at that decade, I can tell you that the 20s is just a “work” decade. It’s a decade where you work on yourself. You work on finding your way in the world. And figuring out what you want in life. And who you want around you in life. And learning hard, hard lessons. And fucking up. And finding yourself. I was so relieved to graduate from my 20s! I can tell you 30s is already my favorite decade and I’ve just started it.

The BEST parts of life are still ahead for you, my dear.

Stop with all this nonsense about you having missed the best parts. They are waiting in your future until you’re ready! And it sounds to me like you are ready. You’ve put in a lot of work already in your 20s, and you’ve still got plenty of time. I didn’t come out until 22. I know quite a few strong women who waited until after 26 to come out! And who are now living fulfilling lives being openly gay. These opportunities don’t expire. You deserve all the good things this world has to offer–including a partner and a big love. It’s not too late. It is never too late.

You are not alone. It’s going to be ok.

Sending you love, light and strength across the ocean.

Your friend, Ruth

P.S. Write back with updates anytime! I’m also going to be sending you more things.

In the Shadows (Letter from Reader)

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Dear Ruth,

So, hi, my name is [Jane]. Although for reasons that will become clear in this letter please could you not publish my name if you do anything with this piece. Thank you and sorry. I think I just apologized to myself. I am so ashamed to say how I wish I could say yes publish my name everywhere. Let everyone hear it. But I’m not there yet and that leads me on to why I am writing this letter.

I have a lot of admiration for you. I have been reading your blogs for many years. When I still lived at home and deleted the history on my computer in case they figured out what a “fish out of water” meant. So much of what you have written was echoed in my life.

Yet in the same breath we live such different lives now. I’m 26. I live in a small town in the UK. And I am still burrowed in the closet. Your posts meant so much to me those years ago. You were my outlet and my link to a life and community I longed to be part of but was, and am, shutting myself away from.

I have known that I was gay on some level from about 14. Before this I didn’t even know it was an option otherwise I might have known sooner. This seems late to me. But it’s definitely late now. I’m 26. In your recent blog you described your new love. I know it’s uncouth to say, and I don’t mean this in the way that it’s going to come out, but I am so jealous. That is all I have ever wanted and you described it so perfectly. Like you no longer exist alone but are part of something bigger. Everything is brighter. I have had this only once with a girl, let’s call her Tilly. My very best friend is what we told others and ourselves. Actually we had such a deep connection and it was beautiful and painful.

It changed everything in me, everything about me. I’ve had relationships after this with men. But no feeling ever compared to simply holding her hand.

Sounds ridiculous but it’s true. We don’t speak now, haven’t in a very long time. She was in my life for such a short period of time but look at the impact on me. That should have told me the truth about myself a long time ago.

I am currently on holiday in Milan staying with my sister. As I sit on her balcony looking at the mountains I realize how beautiful life is and how much I want to see as much of it as possible. But something’s stopping me. I don’t want to experience the world alone. That might be the saddest thing I’ve ever written. But it’s my truth. I can do it, I have been doing it. I have a great life, I’m a teacher in the UK. I have bought my own house, a tiny cottage with beams from my dreams. I have my dream car. The most fabulous best friend a girl could ask for. Excellent colleagues (most of them anyway, you can’t have everything! haha) and have recently secured a massive promotion meaning that I am now Senior Management in my school. On the face of it I am successful. My parents are proud of my successes.

But I have failed at the most basic part: being who I am.

I am my job. And within my job I am who I think I should be. This of course means that I have not found a partner. What’s that famous saying ‘you have to love yourself before you can expect others to’. Well here’s the proof.

This holiday has given me a lot of time to think. If I am going to live authentically I am not sure that I have much time left. I am getting older. I know I’m not ancient but I am getting older. Your 20s are meant to be the highlight of your life, yet I am in the shadows. Safe in the dark, afraid of the rainbows. Funny how life works isn’t it.  Part of me knows that what I am doing to myself and what I have been doing to myself for so many years now is not fair. Who is it benefiting? No one. Perhaps my father? But would he really be happy knowing how unhappy I am? I honestly don’t know the answer to that one. Is this the lesser of two evils?

The biggest question I suppose is when is the right time to tell everyone as I think, to be honest, that I have missed it. No one knows. Everyone has assumed I am straight which is 100% my fault as I too have gone along with this. I have not stopped them. I didn’t know how to. I didn’t know if to. Now I see I should have for their perception of me is fixed yet so is who I have known I am for a very very long time. And as much as I have tried to ignore it, it has not gone away. It has built.

It is all I ever think about. Well that, and pizza and chocolate haha. It consumes me. It’s me. Yet it’s hidden. And I am living a life I don’t want or understand, and can’t change.

There are some people in my life that I feel will be totally accepting of me. My sister, my best friend of 10 years. But I don’t think it’s fair for me to tell them and expect them to keep it to themselves as I know others won’t be so welcoming. My mother accepts gay people openly but my father is not so forgiving. He and I are very close. He is the person I call when my kitchen is flooded or when I want to go out to dinner & celebrate a success or drink away a bad day at work. Is it selfish to not tell to preserve our relationship? Or even to take away from my relationship with everyone else as I’m not being myself merely to keep intact this father daughter one. It feels like a double-edged sword again to me. I’ve come to see more and more as I’ve gotten older that life is a balance. I think mine is off kilter.

My father is openly not okay or comfortable with gay people or lives. He has never alluded to violence but it’s the subtle comments that hurt the most when for example I have approached the subject about other people to test the water. It was not well received. My mother and father are still together but should have split up 15 years ago. My mother and I clash, she does not care about either my sister or I so doesn’t actually factor into my decision at all other than she lives with my father. My godmother on the other hand is the person most important in my life. She is the only other person to know everything about me. Everything  but this. She basically brought me up and through all of the terrible teenage disasters she loved me like a daughter. But, I’ve pulled away recently  for she showed me a side to her I would never have predicted. In one moment in our hours long phone calls she changed our relationship forever. She said it made her feel sick when she saw her two gay coworkers kiss. I was on my bed. I remember getting hot. Mumbling.

How do you respond to that when you have so much respect for that person for your whole life but absolutely detest what she has said and feel the absolute opposite.

I wish she could know how much that comment has affected the trajectory of the rest of my life. Back to the risk factor now. How brave am I? Should I tell her in the hope of changing a viewpoint for the better but in doing so risk losing my support, my wonderful godmother?

Goodness I have written so much. This is what happens when you don’t tell anyone, I suppose. When the opportunity comes, it overflows. Really I just would to talk, to discuss the things I care about but no one understands or is interested in. To gain another opinion on what I should do, although in some respects I already know that I have to come out.

I am running out of time to enjoy my life. I am stealing my own time. Perhaps I just need to know someone will be there in the aftermath.

I know no other lesbians. My town is small. I added Tinder recently, bravely ticking ‘only women’ but instantly regretted it when 1 of the 5 local lesbians was a friend of a friend who I am now terrified will out me. I will never be part of this community or have local minded friends if I don’t come out. But of course, like all other LGBT people–how do I do that? What do you wish you had known or done differently when you were going through this? Do you have an opinion? I am open to them all at this point.

Really, I suppose, I’m looking for a conversation. A conversation with a real person. A real person who doesn’t know me but probably knows me better than anyone in my life. Someone who has been through the things that I am afraid to approach.

I am so happy to hear about your new love, how’s it going? While I’m still at this point I may as still live vicariously through others haha. Thank you for what you do and for the opportunity to submit my feelings this way. Sorry for the essay.

Lots of love, Jane

xxx

Big Love

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Holy shit Nora,

I am so sorry for what you are going through with Toby. I wish he could talk to you too. But I know he’d just say “Nora, you’ve taken such good care of me and I love you so much”. It is breaking my heart that this decision is falling on you. I hope for your sake he passes on his own. I don’t think it’s selfish for you to want that at all. Someone making that decision for someone they love so much is such a fucked up thing to have to do, but I know it is unavoidable sometimes. Is there someone who can be there with you if it comes to that? I don’t want you to do this on your own! Call a friend from New York and have them hop on a train. Get some support there, stat. I mean it.

Your story of the bird was beautiful and sad, but I’m glad you received that message from the universe. It’s ok for you to not know what to do here. It’s ok for you to not be able to pull the plug. It’s ok for you to not be ready to let go.

There is no right and wrong here. Sometimes there’s just an unfair and sucky situation. You love the shit out of that little dog, and any way you choose to handle this ending is right.

Have every ounce of compassion for yourself you can muster. Toby wants that for you. He knows how much you love him, no matter what. This is NOT an easy one to let go of, temporary as all things are. I know you accept that things can’t be forever, but that doesn’t mean you have to be ok with it. That doesn’t make it not hurt like hell.

It feels kind of dumb talking about my intergalactic rainbows when you’re going through this. Even though my head is in the clouds right now, I’m still here Nora! Seriously reach out if you need someone to talk to going through this. Or text me. Or email. Just don’t do this alone. I know you CAN do it alone. But you don’t need to.

My intergalactic girl is named Jessie. She came out of nowhere (well, technically we met through mutual friends). My fear over the past couple of years has been that something inside me broke after Kay and I’d lost the ability to fall deeply in love in a lasting way. Like I was destined forever to find wonderful people, but not have all of the passion & peace I once had. Meeting Jessie has not only proven that fear wrong to me, but exceeded all of my expectations of what I could feel for someone.

Me, in love.

Please excuse me while I wax poetic for a bit.

I’ve never felt so sure of a relationship. On my deepest soul level.

This experience is so profound I’m lacking vocabulary for it. Is there something in Spanish to describe this? “In love” doesn’t do it justice. In love sounds like my heart–but this is all of my cells, and my heart and soul and brain… lit up. That’s what it is… she lights something in me that no one has ever lit before, something I didn’t know was there. That’s the best way I can describe it.

I realize by normal measurements of time this doesn’t make any sense. But I feel like it’s being measured on a different level. Nothing else has felt this balanced. We’re both all in. How the actual fuck does that happen??

possessed-by-aliens-cookie-baking

I have been in love before and dated wonderful people. I’m not discrediting those experiences. But I have never fallen so hard and so right, so that something has felt this good. I’m having trouble touching back down to earth.

My heart doesn’t feel big enough to contain all that I’m feeling and I’m afraid it’s going to explode. In so little time!

I feel like loving her is going to expand my heart bigger than it’s ever been.

All of my gut stuff and resistance stuff feels like it makes sense now. Yes I was mad at it, (I didn’t realize you hate my gut too! You should join the official “we hate Ruth’s gut club”). But it’s like I was trying to guard this spot for her, but I didn’t know that’s what I was doing. My gut has just been doing a happy dance since I met her, and it’s like I felt this big sigh of relief. The resistance and restlessness is gone. No more fighting my singleness or dating-ness. No more arbitrary dates or goals or fighting for balance. I am exactly where I want to be. I want to be hers. I want her to be mine. Signed, sealed, delivered.

Do you think there are things that are parts of us that exist outside of time and place and know better than our present selves?

I know I sound like I’m on drugs right now, and honestly it feels that way a little bit. We are both afraid the other person is going to snap out of it, while simultaneously insisting that “I am not going to”. From the outside I’m sure we’re insufferable. When I’m around her I just want to… stare into her eyes and have some point of physical contact at all times. When I’m not around her I think of her all the time. I cannot NOT smile when I’m looking at her. I laugh all the time. I cuddle in as close as humanly possible and it’s still not close enough. I want to know every layer of her that makes her who she is. The good and the bad.

be still, my heart

Physically I feel so, so good with her Nora. We have a shit ton of chemistry and it’s like I just can’t get enough of her. Everything about her turns me on and it’s like she IS a strand of a drug designed just for me. It’s flowed so naturally and is amplified by all of the out-of-this-world feels.

I keep trying to confirm that she is real and not a dream. I will report back here if I discover she’s been an illusion all along. But it does feel like I’ve met my actual dream girl, and even though the romantic side of me is ready to accept that reality, the cynical, logical side of me is still saying “whaaa?? this is too good to be true…” 

I swear I haven’t lost all sense. It’s just…. it’s worth it. No matter what happens. She’s worth it. I’d risk it all for her. Even if this ends in my heart totally broken—I can’t not try with her. I suppose I may read these words later and weep. But I know I’m not going to regret going all in. I believe I deserve a really big love, and I’m doing this for myself. 

If you meet your dream girl, and you have a chance with her, is there really any other way to proceed other than going all in? Faint heart never won fair lady, after all.

Time is going to teach me things in this. I know it’s early. I know we have so much to learn about each other. My eyes are open. I haven’t forgotten the lessons the past 3 years have taught me. I feel that I am only here right now because of the things I’ve learned. I am only ready for her because of the work I’ve done for myself.

Ok, I think that’s probably enough for one letter. I don’t want your eyes to get tired from all of the eye rolling. 😛 Just accept me as I am Nora! You know I’m a hopeless romantic.

We received a really beautiful letter from a reader who I will call Jane. I am going to publish it shortly. I’m still thinking about a reply. I know it is addressed to me, but I think it’d be valuable for both of us to weigh in on it if that’s something you’d like to do. Look for it soon!

I love you and I’m sending all the good thoughts and love to you and Toby.

Love, Ruth

Cogela Suave

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Dear Ruth, 

You can not make this shit up. Two letters ago the world was ending and now it’s all explosive love and intergalactic rainbows? SOUNDS LIKE YOU!!!! 

I am not going to spoil this for you with my cynicism because TBH, it’s not worth it. You sound excited and all happy. But what I like the most is that you sound sure. See? the last few times I do not think you were ever this sure. Like cookie baking possessed by aliens sure.  Your gut -who I intensely hate- has not come up to whisper things in your ear. 

This is you in your past break ups:

Also tell me about the sex, is it fireworks? or more like fireflies? 

In other wordly news, I took the quiz you sent and got a 77. I guess it has sucked 77% of the time? Maybe I am too hard on myself. 

I am on a small break this weekend, in between summer and fall session. It’s only a few days but it feels nice to come up for air. Tobias had a bad weekend last weekend and I was ready to pull the plug. I made the “appointment” to have him euthanized today but I could not go through with it. I always say I am the kind of person that can easily let go of people because I accept that they are temporary. 

I am definitely not that person right now. I wish Toby could speak and tell me he’s in pain, or annoyed or tired. I just want to be 100% sure that I will know when is time. I thought it was but I just could not. Fail euthanasia attempt :/ I got some more meds to try to help his breathing, which is the current issue. Let’s see what happens. 

Sometimes I also wish he’d just die on his own. Is that selfish? Like why do I have to make this choice? I don’t wanna. It hurts too much. 

But the universe, She got my back. 

I walked out of  my failed vet appointment feeling all sorts of way, with my cancer patient still in tow. And I found a little bird. A little ordinary city bird, reminded me a little of Birdie Sanders. He could not fly. Or walk. Something was broken, seems like half of his body was semi paralyzed but there was no sign of damage or any blood. 

I picked it up, examined it, Tried to find the cause of the pain. Was it a broken leg? a broken wing? both? I could not figure it out. I debated for good 10 minutes what to with it. I considered nursing it back to life but not knowing what was wrong I really would not know what to do. I wondered if there was somewhere I could take him, and then it occurred to me that maybe it was his time. I don’t know how old this bird is, it could be really old and just…ready. It crossed my mind to put him out of his misery before a cat find him on the ground and eats him. 

As expected, I could not do it. I could so easily break this creature’s neck and he won’t have to struggle anymore or suffer a painful end. Maybe even starve. I could not do it. I just could not. Maybe I don’t have it in me to kill an animal. I am all pro euthanasia, even in humans. But I could not physically do it. 

It hit me that I am being unrealistic with this process with Toby. I have been saying, I will know when is time for sure. I will be certain. I will do what needs to be done..blah blah blah. But here I was unable to make that decision for a street bird who is most likely going to die soon if his wing does not start working. A bird I had just met who, one could say, means nothing to me. 

I took pictures because i knew this story would be so fantastical to hear:

I am back at zero. Not knowing right from wrong. Just loving my furry son for as long as I can. 

 

Nothing new in my dating life. Have not made friends in school yet. One girl seems promising. I tried going out with my classmates this week after finals, but I got there and got drunk too quick and had to leave. I am such a social fail. It’s hard for nerds, you know. 

 

 

I hope the torch of love burning in your chest keeps your path lighted. 

I saw you got a letter from a reader and cannot wait to see your reply. 

Please take it easy with this girl, that’s the tile of this letter by the way: Cogela Sueva. Or if you wanna try the Spaniglish version it goes “Cogela con takeiteasy”. 

Love,

Nora

PS. The tarot does not take YES/NO questions. Think of something open ended.

 

A (Willing) Fool for Love

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Dear Nora,

Let me just start by getting this out there, because I can’t even pretend it’s not happening:

I was minding my own business on my dusty trail, and then there she was. Nora, I have no. words. I am dead. She is either going to break my heart or keep it.

I would say I am falling hard, but that’s not even the right description. I’m jumping, or being pulled, or both. Jumping out of an airplane, falling and really, really hoping my parachute opens…

But every cell in my body told me I needed to jump. And now, for better or for worse, gravity doing what it does best.

You know how I said I’ve been dating not to lose? This one I am dating 100% to win. I want to have no regrets. If she doesn’t pick me in the end, I don’t want it to be because I held anything back. OhmygodIcannotmessthisup.

To my amazement, I have no hesitations. It is a pure “hell yes”.

Also, btw, an alien has taken over my body and my brain and I have zero control over any of my faculties at the moment. Like, it is almost midnight right now and I’m baking her cookies because she likes cookies. A normal, sane person doesn’t do that. They bake at reasonable times, and not after 2-ish dates. Aliens do that (I assume?). I have no appetite, I’ve been getting little sleep. The butterflies are ridiculous. I am always counting down the days and hours until I see her again. She’s going to do me in.

The most INSANE part of it all? She seems to be feeling the same. All of it. What is happening??

If I write you next time and I’m a puddle of mush after my fall, please just refer back to this post. I know I will sound like an idiot when I say this, but I’m going to say it anyway: this one is different. Laugh all you want. The world can look at me and think I’m a fool. I definitely should not be writing about this so soon. But honestly, I don’t give a fuck. I am a fucking fool for love. There is nothing casual about this for me and I can’t even pretend that it is.

ANYWAY.

I was thinking the other day about how I should probably feel dumb about things I’ve written on this blog. Because I feel things strongly, and I write about them, and then things have changed and life happens and I learn things and afterwards I look back and sometimes judge myself for what I was feeling.

But then I decided, you know what? I’m not ashamed of who I am. I like that I see possibilities, and I go all in, and I take risks. If someone judges me for that, so be it. I’m honest with people about my feelings and I’m not careless with the feelings of others, to the best of my ability. Somehow I’m always bobbing back up to the surface, just as hopeful as though I’d never dipped below. Some lessons learned – of course. But hope suppressed? Seemingly never.

Security is mostly a superstition. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold…. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. (Helen Keller)

Me and the universe are playing a fun game right now where I write something on here, and then it proves it wrong (the universe is winning the game). For example: I wrote I was looking for –”Falling in love… not in a dramatic, flash of lighter fluid burst of flame, but in a slow and steady build of warmth–lit for a longterm burn.” HA.

first date = perfection

*ahem* Ok, now to respond to your letter. My apologies for my incoherent ramblings. Don’t blame me, blame the aliens.

You covered so much ground in your letter! I can’t even believe what a whirlwind you’ve been in. Are you exhausted? You have been undoubtably slaying 2017 like it’s your job. Also happy to hear you’ve made time for some new boos and for “lips with the magic of the oceans”. You are overdue and you deserve that. Get some!!!

borrowed from instagram

I had an audible reaction of disbelief to your statement about being 30 and having nothing (not that you’re not entitled to your own feelings about this, but I’m going to respectfully disagree). You have huge accomplishments! You moved to a new country as a teenager and fluently learned a second language. You have supported yourself for so long! You put yourself through school and now you’re working to further your education, with your sights set on medical school! You’ve moved across the country twice. You’ve made good friendships. You write this lovely blog with me. You are a wonderful dog mother. You know yourself deeply. You totally “still got it” at thirty, but more than that I think all the best things are still to come for you. You have worked hard and set yourself up for an exciting future full of love and career prospects you’re passionate about. You are loving yourself and shedding unwanted baggage. You’re in a growth period and that’s not always glamorous, but it is the part you should be most proud of. How can you say you’ve done nothing with your life? You put most thirty-year-olds to shame. In SPITE of financial stress AND lack of support system, you are persisting. 

Plus, you’re an excellent knitter.

There is this quiz called American Dream Score, created by PBS. I think you should take it. I took it and I got a 60, which basically means the majority of factors have been in my favor in life. I want you to take this quiz and then tell me you’ve accomplished nothing at 30. 

A fifteen month pre-medical school program sounds intense. I will try to be more patient with letter responses while you are focusing on studies.

I love seeing all your pictures. (If you love all the greenery of the Philly area, one of these days I’m going to get you out here to the PNW and I will take you to see all the wonders. In my 2.5 years here my jaw still drops.) But perhaps I should take a trip out to Philly sometime! Maybe next year I can get back out to the east coast.

This is the actual blue of a pool tucked away in the woods of Oregon. It turns blue because the water runs through the mountain instead of down a waterfall, and picks up minerals. But I like to believe it’s just magic.

I hope your new community forms quickly, but also that the right people come into your life for this stage.

Ok, I know this is getting long. But I need to talk to you about “the one” for a minute. We seem to be misunderstanding each other on this. I must not be explaining this well.

My two cents:

What the one is not: a single person walking on the face of the earth who is literally the only person I can end up with and be happy with.

What the one is:
The one is the one my heart will feel at rest with.
The one is someone my gut confirms feels right.
The one is the one I will invest all the work of a relationship in.
The one is the one I will feel every cell in my body at peace when I’m curled up next to her.
The one is my biggest, deepest love yet.
The one is someone my soul will recognize.
The one is the one I will still be able to hold onto 100% of myself with.
The one is the one my mind will feel content with.
The one is who I would move heaven and earth to love and support.
The one is the one who sees me as her one too.
The one is someone who’s all in with me, and I’m all in with her.
The one is someone I will fight for once I’ve found her.
The one is the one I will choose to keep by my side.
and I will keep her by my side for as long as life lets me.
whether it’s 3 months. Or 3 years. Or 3 decades.

And if life takes her from me, I may search for “the next one” as long as my heart is still wanting to find that. 

I don’t think there is only one person out there who can fill this role. But I hope I am lucky enough to have the privilege of spending my life with just one person. I would be so content to find her and grow old with her, through life’s trials and joys. I want that. 

It’s not about only dating someone if they can promise me forever. It’s about me being able to envision a forever with them. If I can’t see that, then I have to let them go their own way.

Why would I spend time with someone I don’t see a forever with when what I want is a forever?

All the examples you gave were geographic and time obstacles. Those things won’t matter to me when I choose someone. I would move for “my one”. And if she only had three months to live, I’d spend it with her and make the most of every day. 

I know this sweet and wonderful woman, I’ll call her Sally. Sally had a great love. It lasted for 15 years, and then her partner died of cancer. She spent years in grief afterwards, and alone. She gave her heart time to recover and heal, and never stopped loving that soul she lost. And then, just the other day, she met someone new, 9 years after her partner had passed. I could see this new light in her. She was like a teenager falling in love for the first time. She had found her “one” once. And now I could see her opening up, ready to find her next one.

And when I find them it certainly does not invalidate the other love stories I’ve been so lucky to have so far. Those loves are what have prepared me for it! Those have been vital exercises of my heart that have taught me about myself and about love and what I want and deserve and they were 100% real. There is nothing more “real” about the relationship I end up choosing to stay in, the only difference between it and my other love stories, is that it’s the one I keep and I’m at rest in.

What role does love play in this search? It leads the way, a torch burning in my chest. I have so much love to give. I don’t know what form this person will take. But I’m not ready to give up my hopes of finding her. And so I will continue to do my best to be open to what the universe sends my way. I will be honest with myself about what I feel in my gut. And if I can’t see a future then I will let that person go and continue on the dusty trail alone until I meet a traveler who will walk by my side.

With Hannah, I had a lot of love for her. But similar to Lily, it wasn’t the fully rounded out in-love romantic kind of love I needed to and my gut told me something was missing.

My requirements are quite simple actually: I will be in love with her, she will be in love with me. And it will feel perfectly right to both of us to spend our lives together and we will both feel like the absolute luckiest. I mean, I do have a lengthy list that I’ve sent to the universe of some particulars. Some of the things it includes: She will love herself. She will have a heart of gold and a grin of a troublemaker. She will be moved by compassion. 

Also allow me to clear up my remark about idealizing stuff with Kay. This has been a more recent “aha” moment for me. When I referenced that, I was not referencing her as a girlfriend. Let’s be honest – god bless her – but she was not her best possible self in our relationship (NOR WAS I). Kind of immature and selfish and very non-committal and not accepting of herself. Cowardly when it came to do the hard, right thing. Non-confrontational and avoidant of tackling her shit. Ashamed to be gay and wouldn’t hold my hand in public or say I was her girlfriend.

What I loved about that relationship, and what I miss, was the way I felt when I was in it. I was  deeply content (in spite of all those things–I didn’t know better yet!). I was 100% in without hesitations. I was at rest and at home and in love beyond a shadow of a doubt. Our cores matched, even though some other parts were imperfect.

That is what I want again. Like, that is the bare minimum of what I want. I know it’s going to be so much better the next time my heart is rested with someone because I’m sure as hell not settling for someone who doesn’t treat me like I deserve. I will reach potentials I could never have reached with Kay in the versions of ourselves at the time. I totally agree that that relationship was the scratch of the surface of what happiness can look like for me.

Sorry this one is a doozy. I’m not quite in my right mind these days. Send me updates!

Love, Ruth

P.S. Question for tarot cards: Is this girl going to break my heart?

 P.P.S. Magpie really likes hugs actually. I gave her one from you. When I walk in the door every day she wants to be scooped up and I toss her in the air and hug her and kiss her and she purrs contentedly, before she’ll even go have dinner. It is the cutest thing.