Feeble attempts and forgiveness

, , , , , ,

Dear Nora,

Well, my dear, you were right to chuckle at my feeble attempt and optimism at being friends with Elise. We were kind of still chatting, and seeing each other occasionally or in group settings. Or, you know, watching TV together and then hooking up that one time… So in other words, working hard at the transition to friendship. She danced around the boundaries I had set (boundary testing is her favorite pastime), and said things to me like “you are going to be one of my best friends, you’re different than all my other exes, you’re so special Ruth, I have to keep you in my life”.

And I really could tell she was trying for this time to be different. For example, she waited almost a whole month before she made it official with a new girl. Her norm is usually a week tops. She said I should consider myself fortunate she held off so long. Lucky me! You have to give her credit for efficiency.

She had okCupid dates lined up like job interviews for a position that needed to be filled immediately.

You may be able to tell from my bitter tone that I’m not handling it the best. But I am proud that I refrained for saying 99% of the things I wanted to say, and let her know I could not speak to her or see her for a while, and she agreed. And we left it at that. She didn’t do anything “wrong”, but it still felt like a slap in the face, especially when a week before she had told me she’s still in love with me and kept asking if there was any possibility we’d end up back together someday.

I’m pissed off and listening to angry songs and thinking mean thoughts and crying sporadically. I keep reminding myself of two things. 1) we all deal with pain differently, and for her maybe that’s just moving on really quickly, and 2) her moving on is about her doing what she needs to do, not about my value or worth and even what I meant or didn’t mean to her.

All that to say, go easy on Jayne, if you can. I have a feeling she just genuinely wanted to find a way to keep you in her life, and made her best attempt at that in spite of other feelings she was suppressing. We are all suckers for the sweet Colombian poison. Trust me, it’s a hard addiction to break. Maybe she’s not lost forever… she just needs some detox.

I think forgiveness is some of the best, and hardest work we have to do in our lives (especially towards ourselves). It is so goddamn beautiful and defies all of our basest instincts. I promise I’ll try not to quote Cheryl Strayed in every single letter… but I did laugh and nod at this one: “Forgiveness doesn’t just sit there like a pretty boy in a bar. Forgiveness is the old fat guy you have to haul up the hill.”

That’s a really interesting discussion of actions vs. intentions. That’s something I think a lot about. Elise usually didn’t give a shit about intentions, only actions. I, as a benefit-of-doubt type would say I usually take intentions into weighty consideration. But I think ultimately, I have to agree that our truest truths come out in the form of actions. The core of who we are will persist in the living of our lives. Yes, there will be aberrations, and those who know us well should take our intentions into account during those times. But generally speaking, who you are is what you do, not what you say.

<3

Love.

In the case of relationships, I think kind of the deal going into it is that people usually have hopes and good intentions, and sometimes they decide it’s not for them, and sometimes you decide it’s not for you, and neither is wrong or bad. I have been thinking about that a lot. I feel pretty at peace with our decision to break up, and confident now that Elise wasn’t meant for me, or I for her… so then why the hell didn’t I know that at the start of it? Because who I am now is a slightly different person with different knowledge and experiences and further understanding of myself than I was 16 months ago. I read a good quote from Dan Savage the other day about this: “dating is about figuring out who we are and what we want — and when it comes to dating a specific person, it’s also about figuring out whether this person is who and what we want. Early on, when we’re smitten, we sometimes fantasize about a future — we talk about the longterm and/or listen as the other person talks about the longterm — that isn’t destined to be. Being open to the possibility of a longterm relationship with someone, imagining a future with that person, etc., doesn’t obligate us to stay in the relationship eternally, and it doesn’t mean we lied or misled someone if the relationship should end. Fantasizing about a life together is not the same thing as committing to a life together.”

Totally changing subjects–I met Cory and AJ! They arrived this week and stayed at my place and I had so much fun grabbing dinner and drinks with them. I couldn’t stop smiling at the ridiculousness of this all. I confirmed with them that you are, in fact, a real person. So that was good. It’s a little tricky explaining to someone how I both feel like I know you pretty well, but also know very little about your actual day to day life. But I rode around in “Chad” your roadtrip car, and listened to the Rap Caviar playlist with them and made fun of Cory’s gigantically oversized suitcase. It was fun getting to hear them chat about the trip and you and Toby. Anyway, so that happened.

I fly out tonight, headed to the midwest to see lots of my family for my grandma’s 90th birthday party. All of my siblings will be there, my parents, cousins, aunts, uncles. It is so needed. My family for me is the place where I go to rest and reset. My original self. A place of unconditional love. I’ll just be there a very short time, it will be a small but potent dose of exactly what I need right now. I also get to see some of my good friends too while I’m there. And my cat Luscious!!!

purringtons

Purrington’s Cat Cafe in Portland

By the way, I also judge myself real hard also for giving up my cats for Elise. I can’t say, looking back, that I could have or would have done it differently. But, moving forward, the cat thing will from now on represent for me the importance of me keeping parts of myself that make me “me” and make me happy. Cats make me pretty fucking happy. I will definitely be getting one for my 30th birthday.

Nothing says “winning at life” like a single lesbian getting a cat for her 30th birthday, am I right?

I hope you find exactly what you need right now. Toby cuddles. Altars full of candles and incense. Puzzles and more puzzles. What are you favorite things about being alone? Also, can you take this personality test for me? I want to see what you get! I got ISFJ (“The Defender”) and it was spot-on. We can talk about our results more if you take it.

Love, Ruth

P.S. I’m looking at possibly coming to LA around labor day weekend? Just sayin’…
P.P.S. Your wish list of kids books brought back a lot of good childhood reading memories. I sent some your way, I hope others do too! What a great idea!

The loss of it all

, , , , , ,

Dear Nora,

Reading your letter tonight made me laugh and cry. Thank you for writing me, your words did my heart good. I will have a proper response for you soon. But in the meantime, I’m sharing a poem with you. I make zero claims of being a poet, but sometimes this is just how words present themselves to me and I like writing them down.

It’s ok to feel
Everything that demands to be felt.
breathe deeply
the loss
the loss of it all

of her.
of them.

My loves.
the arms of someone who loved me
nuzzling into the neck
of a girl who makes me laugh

it’s ok to hurt
this pain is a good,
pure thing.

it pools in the imprint of love.
big, beautiful impressions of love.

my heart still works!
it expands
it contracts,
and squeezes out every last tear

so that it can be filled up again.

But god
how the wringing of it hurts.

It hurts to have an empty hand.
it hurts to have my dear one,
that little loved person,
be here one day, and then gone

and holding someone else’s hand.

there is grieving when I think of what’s been lost
anger at the universe
for the jokes it plays on me,
the tide sweeping my treasures back to the sea

fear.
oh great, huge fear.
still and stoic as the vast night sky,
the deafening silence of the unknown.

and filled with stars of possibility

seemingly wonderful and at the same moment
terrifying in its immeasurability
each pinpoint of light in the dark
both potential joy and disappointment.

If fear and hope are two sides of the same coin
then we can’t spend either without the other.
so I release hope,
and with it, fear.
and hold nothing but the present as my own.

Be still, my soul.
In the pain of it.
In the present of it.

IMG_3039

Love, Ruth

The Value of Intentions

, ,

Dear Ruth:

Heads up: this will be long. There will be lots of pictures.

I am so glad to hear we had the same Fourth of July. I fell asleep early to the sound of fireworks. But during the day I biked and read in the park with the baby. Pretty low key. Copy of 20160704_150028

I am also happy to hear about your smudging ritual. Little witch tip: Sage does not only take away negative energies. It erases everything. Your house is now a blank slate to be replaced with the energy of your choosing. So choose wisely. Light candles (mind the colors) and burn incense after. Here’s a pic of how crazy I go when I go to the magick store. And my altar, which is popping!

Copy of 20160709_161851Copy of 20160705_231804

I have a lot of mental stirring going on. I feel like this year has been a hurricane and I am left with the aftermath and the clean up. In chronological order: need to change jobs, my roommate threatened to evict me, broke up with Jayne (but stayed friends), put a friend in the hospital for being suicidal, had to find a new roommate, realized Trace was not for me, broke up with Trace (those were two different events about a month apart), return to volunteering (where Trace works, we dont ever interact though but it was a hard decision to make), went on road trip, saw Cory, Jayne decided she is too in love with me to be friends, I curse out Jayne for being a bad friend, Cory leaves, I am alone. No trace, no Jayne, no Cory. Just me and Toby. Per usual.

My days have been full of thoughts. I just play with my puzzles and contemplate loneliness and how familiar it feels.

Copy of 20160708_204930

Copy of 20160710_174245

DurinCopy of 20160703_163949g the trip, I had a conversation with Cory about how much someone’s intentions (vs execution) are worth.  I have always been of the idea that actions speak louder than words and what you did and what you meant to do are two completely separate things. This is changing for me. There’s a song by Alejandro Sanz that says “Reclamame nuestra ilusión, exigeme el valor que tiene la intención” Basically, the hopes and the illusions you build with yourself and someone else have a certain value, what you sought to accomplish in any relationship is worth something (even if little), regardless how disastrous the execution.

I mentioned last time that I am working on forgiving myself and forgiving others. Here’s where this process has taken me: to acknowledge my intentions honestly and to accept the intentions of others as true. It sucks though, so hard. Especially from this place of loneliness where I am sitting right now. I have to accept that my ex wanted to grow professionally, she did not mean to abandon me. But she did. I am yet to forgive her for it TWO YEARS LATER I resent her. It has to end. I have to accept Trace wanted company, they deserved a chance to try, they did not want to hurt me.

Given a choice they would choose to fall in love with me because  :::flips hair:: I am so wonderful. But they are damaged and my magic is not for the faint of heart. I have to forgive their feeble attempt at loving me.

Jayne wanted to be friends with me, but it hurts her and now I feel betrayed and lied to because I really did think she saw me as a friend. But she did not mean to lie to me. She just could not do it. I have to forgive her, and let her go. But I miss Jayne the most. I miss her every day. I had this secret fantasy that we were going to be really close friends and then in a year or so when we are ready, get back together and live happily ever after. NOPE. She left.

Forgiving others and accepting their intentions as pure, takes me to forgive myself and accept my own. That I want to have partners, that I understand now why people get married and stay in less than ideal relationships: Being alone sucks. That I am too demanding for my own good, unwilling to compromise, unable to settle. I need to forgive myself for letting people go, for sometimes being the one that leaves, the one that ends it. For pouring my heart into the ones I love and not keeping anything to myself. For having poor boundaries.

And this takes me to you: BOUNDARIES. Let me say that again:

B-O-U-N-D-A-R-I-E-S

You my dear Ruth, are a Mrs. Softee. It was so refreshing to read your last letter and to know that people like you still exist. You are a specie in danger of extinction. And it is not martyrdom or Ghandiness. You sincerely get pleasure from building others up. If It is really easy for a self-centered bitch like myself to get lost in relationships, I can only imagine how natural it must feel to your softee ass to just live in function of another. BUT You cannot become a sum of someone else’s wants. I low-key judged you real hard when you gave away your cat for Elise. (WTF bro.. Real cat > pussy).

Your gifts, your light you MUST let it shine. Just make sure you are still the one that is carrying it. If you simply hand your light to someone else, they will walk away with the torch and you will be left in the dark. In order to make the best of your light you have to be the one to hold it, your loved ones must stand near you to be warmed and guided by it. This is your fire to share with others not give away. This is what I mean by boundaries: you get to embrace yourself as the giver, developer, promoter, compassionate, lover that you are while making sure you develop, promote, empathize with and love yourself first.

Fuck apologizing to people for needing alone time and writing long ass letters. Try replacing “Sorry” for “Thank you” and you will see how there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Instead of “Sorry I dont want to go out” use “thank you for giving me space” There’s a more positive connotation while promoting yourself and showing the other person appreciation.

Friends with Elise? Haha good luck with that. I am a little mad at her for putting you down for being such a giver. I am sure she was not complaining when you were giving things up for her. I have said before and I will say it again: DO NOT DATE COLOMBIAN WOMEN. We are an addictive sweet poison.

~END UNSOLICITED ADVICE~

About Cory: Ugh I love her. But I did not say I found her condescending. I found calling her Blondie condescending so I switched to Cory (re-read). Here is the story in a nutshell: I met her while in an open relationship with my ex. We had a summer thing, or what was meant to be a summer thing. Then I moved to Cali and tried to go on with my life, while she (who was 19 at the time) tried to go on with hers. Did not work. I was her first girl and the coming out process was too hard for her to deal with alone. Then we realized we were in love but I was in California in a relationship. Everything went to hell. We have gone through periods of talking daily and months of not talking. But every time we are near each other, every given opportunity, we meet up.

I have been miserable about this bond over and over because it seems so impossible due to the distance. But she has always been hopeful that I will go back east and we could be together. I do not think I have ever seen anyone been so sincerely in love with me. I have tried to let this go, to let it die, to let it wither. Nothing. Still alive as ever.

1920143_1412453902336603_2079787254_n

Trust me Ruth, I understand you. I am one damaged cynical motherfucker but I understand this dream of yours of having Prince Charming come on her white horse and sweep you off your feet. I understand your need to believe that she’s out there, searching for you while you are in Portland, waiting for her. I want that too.

But not now. This is the time for us to learn boundaries, to take care of ourselves, our dreams, our bodies. To re-evaluate our needs and desires, to get ready for the big 30 and welcome the next decade as WOMEN. Girlhood is over, youth is wasted on the young.

I love you and I hope you are having a great summer.

Love,

Nora

PS. I am doing a book drive for the kids in my block. They are children of Hispanic immigrants who cannot afford camp and their parents work too much for them to be taken to the library. Do you know anyone who would want to donate books grades 1-8? I also have an amazon wishlist, where you can purchase the and send them my way. Really hoping someone gets Wimpy kid because they really really want those.

Independence Day

, , , , , , ,

Dear Nora,

I’m here, I’m here! I’ve been too busy for my own good. I need to stop doing that. The past month has been filled with visitors and Pride stuff and re-doing my apartment and talks with friends and extra work stuff and spending time outside in the lovely Portland summer. But I am here.

pride1

IMG_3234

Left: Representing the choir in the parade, riding “bitch” on the back of my friend’s bike!; Right: My made-over room, complete with my handmade “headboard” and origami lights; Bottom: Vigil for the Orlando shooting victims

I am super jealous of your awesome roadtrip! We live on such a beautiful planet, I loved seeing your pics. I have kind of a joke with friends that when I’m overwhelmed by the natural beauty of a place I get almost angry. Not actually angry, but just… I almost can’t stand it. I want to capture it, and keep it, and bask in it. But there it stays, and all I can do is admire it and scream about how pretty it is and take pathetic iPhone pics and move along with my life. Needless to say, it’s been a problem ever since moving to the PNW. I enjoyed some outdoors while camping this weekend.

camping2

Oregon <3

I’m so, so glad you took that time (and money) for yourself. You deserve it! (Also, you deserve new manipulation-free heels… I found some online coupons for you.) Can I just say how proud I am of you for creating the space you need from Trace? Games with feelings suck ass. It seems like you’re doing a really good job of being deliberate about taking care of yourself. Going to therapy, thinking through the “whys” of everything that happened, and setting intentions for yourself, and surrounding yourself with good friends.

I want to hear more about Cory. In your previous letter you mentioned you find her condescending. That was pre-roadtrip/visit together and I’m curious if she still seems that way after spending more in-person time together? Also, it makes me really happy to hear that it’s a connection not based on anything you “offer”, but simply you just being you, and her recognizing your worth. Yay for mutual feelings!! Do you think it might go anywhere? Do you want it to? Also how can you stand being in love with someone and not be completely consumed by it? Teach me how.

Today is independence day, and I am celebrating it this evening by myself, in my apartment with the windows open and candles glowing. And instead of fireworks, I burned some sage and “smudged” my space to clear out negative energy. I don’t know what I believe about that stuff, but if nothing else, the ritual brought me comfort and it felt cleansing… so there’s that.

I’ve reach two conclusions over the past month: I’ve decided it’s about goddamn time for me to stop wishing that I was something I’m not, and I NEED to stop apologizing for who I am and what I need.

You were so very right in your assessment—that I am a hopeless romantic always seeking The One, in love with love. Optimistic, devoted, forgiving. Sometimes I am kind of ashamed of it. I wanted to try to deny that, to defend the parts of me that are “realistic” and “logical”. I want to act as though I don’t want the things that I really want, and convince the world that I’m not just some silly, naïve girl looking for “princess charming”. Elise said as much, that she’s dated more than me, that she has “seen what’s out there”, and that at some point you just find a pretty good fit and the rest is just hard work.

I know she’s probably right. I know everyone is probably right and I am foolish and dreaming of fairytales and what I seek isn’t real life. But none of that stops me from wanting it. And I’m not ready to give up on the hope that it exists for me.

I’ve come to realize in dating, we are all completely sucked in by different aspects of a relationship. For Elise, it was that initial connection and spark. For my sister, it’s the intellectual attraction of two minds. For another friend, it’s an intense physical chemistry. For another, it’s the mystery and intrigue of discovering all of another person. For me? I really do love being in love. I love absolutely adoring someone else, and having them feel that completely, and feeling loved and adored in return. That is my crack. And while I’m sure there’s some perfectly reasonable scientific explanation for these feelings, to me it feels like nothing short of a miracle.

There was a fog that lifted, when we ended things. And I had an actual moment where suddenly I could see myself, feel myself, and inhabit my body once again and I laughed out loud and said “oh, HERE I am.. I love this person!” I then proceeded to give myself a good talkin-to about how great I am and how much I love me. I had been so tangled up in anxiety and trying “make it work” and thinking what I could do to please her, that I lost sight of myself in the relationship. This is something I will be tackling with my therapist (did I tell you I am going to therapy, too?) I am quick to give up things for people I love, especially for the woman I fall in love with. Way too readily I give up both large and small things (ranging from food choices, to pets/kid/marriage prospects, from TV shows to daily schedules to place where we live), and make concessions for just about all of it to the point where I become just a sum of their wants. Elise called it martyrdom. But it’s not from a place of trying to make a show of giving stuff up. It’s just… it’s just how I am. I don’t think of it as a weakness, but rather, I think these “faults” are products of my strengths, I just need to learn to wield them in a way that’s healthier for me… in a way that doesn’t cause me to drown out myself.

Recently for work, as a team-building exercise we took these personality tests called strengths finder, and my top categories were Empathy (feel what others are feeling), Relator (develop deep and genuine relationships), Harmony (bring others together), Developer (see potential in others), Maximizer (encourage talents and strengths in order for others to ‘be their best’). While many people in my team had strengths like learning, achieving, deliberating, analyzing, communicating, ideation, thinking futuristically or strategically…etc., all of my traits just had more to do with relationship building than anything else, and building others and myself, up.

That is who I am. I am someone who believes in others, and myself, cares about and relates to them, and wants to all work together in peace and harmony towards our best individual potentials. It’s some hippy dippy shit and I fucking love it.

Elise used to refer to me as “Gandhi” or “Mother Teresa” or sometimes “Jesus”. She would jokingly ask me to show her my scar-free hands, just to confirm that I’m not the Messiah. Of course she meant it all as a joke. But it was honestly an issue in my last relationship as well. I hear things like “you’re too good for me” and groan. This sort of pedestal has been something I’ve experienced my whole life. Ruth. My name literally means compassion. It sounds like a good thing… and while it does have some perks, no one wants to be seen as a saint. Saints are boring and not fun at all. They are “holier-than-thou” and goodie two-shoes. And I am none of those things. I am fun and sarcastic and nonjudgmental and I can be a moody asshole and I am better than no one. But I am kind. I am concerned for others. I am giving, to a fault. I feel what others are feeling and I am moved by it. I don’t know how to be any other way. I think you can be all those things.

Those are my gifts. This is my light. I can either love it and shine it as it is, or be ashamed and try to hide it. I can either spend my life wishing I was a different way than I am, or I can embrace it. And fill my life with people who love and value these things about me.

Tonight I had a couple of invites to join in on 4th of July festivities. I was tired from camping and being around people a lot, and all I wanted was to stay home, take a bath, write you a letter and smudge my apartment. I took some grief for telling people I just wanted alone time tonight. My first instinct was to apologize for wanting alone time. I feared they’d think I was lame and they wouldn’t understand, and that they’d stop inviting me to things or feel sorry for me. Some of those things may have crossed their minds. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. I didn’t apologize, because I shouldn’t have to apologize for taking care of my own needs and doing what I like. I shouldn’t have to explain it. And if someone doesn’t “get it” or accept me, then they probably aren’t worth my time and aren’t a friend I really need.

I need to stop apologizing for who I am. I am an introvert, I need alone time. I am kind, and I like that about myself. It doesn’t mean I’m a goddamn saint. I believe in the love of soulmates, living life side-by-side, and I still hope to find it. I am a good thing. I have a lot of love to give. I see the best. I am what I am what I am.

I am energized being alone, and am venturing into the forever alone chapter with a desire to love and take care of myself better. And to make the most of this time, undistracted by couplehood. So that someday IF that person comes along, I’ll know better how to balance my needs with theirs, and no more of this “losing myself” bullshit. I turn 30 in November, and my intention is to not seek out anything serious for the remaining months of my 20s at the very least. I feel the most myself when I’m alone, it makes my soul stir. And based on previous experience, I don’t know how to be anything but serious when it comes to love interests… so perhaps that will necessitate no dating at all. Right now that feels completely doable… but doesn’t it always, until you meet someone who you “can’t live without”? I would be pretty content right now “whoring out” as you called it, but I seem to suck at that because I get a whole mess of feelings when I connect physically with someone.

Updates next time on project “fall out of love” and the effort to transition from dating to friends with Elise. Also, miniature elephant sanctuary.

Love, Ruth

P.S. This is the longest letter ever. I think we can count it as two.
P.P.S. I was about to apologize for all of my rants about refusing to apologize for who I am in this letter. But I’m not going to.
P.P.P.S. YES! Cory and AJ can stay with me! I agree that would be so epic. My place isn’t big but I think we could make it work. When?? Send me details via email.

Road Trip and Summer Dreams…

, , ,

Dear Ruth

How are you? And more importantly, where are you? I get mad trust issues when you disappear off the face of the earth.  I need to know that you are okay and that your post-break up self is not doing anything self destructive.

20160619_123056

Lake Powell, AZ

 

I went on a road trip from Denver, CO to Las Vegas, NV with stops in several national parks and it was AMAZING. I was so appalled by nature.

 

20160617_111845

AJ at Black Canyon, CO

 

I went with Cory and two friends AJ and D$$. I had never done so much physical activity and they were really encouraging for me to push myself. I can say I like hiking now, although I saw death pretty close in The Grand Canyon. 

 

During the trip, I had to step out and cry one night. I had this horrible guilt about being on vacation because of money. I am in a lot of debt and my income keeps me comfortable but not in a place in which I can afford to NOT be thrifty. Which I am, I rarely pay full price for anything. But a vacation? I know I deserve it and I really really wanted it, but I am an immigrant after all and the WORK, WORK, WORK mentality has me.

After the trip, Cory, AJ and D$$ are staying with me for a week. It has been crazy to have three extra people in my house but I am very happy to be able to share my LA experience with some of my NYC friends. We hiked to the Hollywood sign, rode bikes by the LA river, went to the beach, went to Shakespeare in the park. It has been great.

This is the first time Cory and I get two entire weeks of being together. TWO WEEKS!!!! This is a long time for two people who have gotten a day or two at a time, sometimes only a few hours 4-6 months apart. I met her right before I left New York and most of our history has been long distance. This is the person I was talking to while with my ex. I am in love with her, two years later and never having properly dated her. It is a problem. The silver lining: it’s mutual.

IMG-20160619-WA0003

Cory and I, HorseShoe Bend, AZ

They leave tomorrow and I know I must prepare to set back into a reality in which I am alone and need to stay that way. I started therapy and one of my goals is to remain focused on me and fulfill my own need for attention instead of recurring to dating every time out of boredom or loneliness. The truth is, I don’t really want to be in a relationship. Especially since I am applying to Medical School and don’t know where I will be in the fall of 2017. I want this last year out of school to be for me and about me. I need healing, I need recovery. I need to forgive myself for allowing people to hurt me, for trusting the wrong ones with my heart. I need to forgive others too. But I cannot do it alone. I need the structure and support from a professional to make this happen. 

I thought about Trace during the trip. I was trying to make sense of why I fell out of love as hard and as quickly as I did. I needed to know what they meant to me, what they represented in my life. Only thing I could come up with is that they are my pattern. I remember you asking me if I felt like anyone was permanent and the answer was no. I think I am looking for a family. I subconsciously go for people who are somehow alone or in need (I do this with friendships too) and I try to make myself so indispensable that they would never leave me. This, of course, fails every time. They leave or I leave. It’s not sustainable and it’s not healthy.

I arrived at this conclusion because I have lots of insecurities with Cory since she’s younger, pretty, privileged, etc and I do not feel like there’s anything she needs that I can give her. However, she chooses me again and again.

She WANTS me. What a fucking concept.

It’s been such a process, I blocked Trace from my phone. They were playing this game in which they text me whenever they feel like it and equally ignore me, so I think they can text the air forever since I won’t get their texts anymore. I asked them to mail my clothes (and this beautiful heels I left in their house) and they insisted in dropping them off (so they can see me) and I just feel like it was gonna be a manipulation situation that I don’t need to be involved in. I blocked them and I don’t think I’ll hear from them again unless they get really creative with the stalking, which I doubt. I can go to payless and get my nude heels again, that’s what coupons are for.

I think I am in a good place but I have SO MUCH WORK TO DO. In myself, for myself, by myself. I must be my own family, my own partner, my own lover.

IMG-20160626-WA0003

Being active is part of caring for myself and my health, Toby is loving it.

I must learn to motivate myself and enjoy my company. I must take better care of my body. I must take better care of my finances and I need to get into medical school.

The summer marks the beginning of a new year for me, since I came to America in June, I start counting in June. This year I am going to focus on growing spiritually and emotionally. It’s the last year in my 20s and I am going to make it count.

What are you up to? Can you please update me before I go bananas on social media and stalk the hell out of you?

Thank you for listening to my constant rants. Having you and this space keeps me accountable.

Love,

Nora

P.S. AJ and Cory are going to continue their road trip up the west coast and may stop in Portland. Is there a chance you can host them for a night or two? How epic would that be?

 

Saved by my friends

, , ,

Dear Ruth, 

Your last letter was impressively thorough. Thank you for being so transparent. I feel like I got to see a different aspect of you. When juxtaposed with Elise and both of your preferences and likes/dislikes, it shed a light on your personality. I can tell you are the hopeless romantic always seeking The One, in love with love. 

I made my ex-bae Jayne read your letter because I can see her in your words. She also has moved from one relationship to the next and seeks that attachment. She’s optimistic and devoted like you. With this need for romance and sweetness and coming home to someone’s arms….etcetera. Novela stuff. 

I thought some of your incompatibilities with Elise reflected Jayne and I’s problems. My favorite was the one with the statement “People are doing their best”. No. they’re not dude. People are trying to get the most gain with the least resource investment in every possible situation. I am naturally distrustful, you seem naturally forgiving. Jayne is like that too. You two would get along. 

In this episode of my forever alone life, I have to say I am surprisingly well. I am not healed and I am not “over it” but I am okay. And I am happy to say I owe it 90% of it to my friends and 10% to myself. My friends have been so incredibly supportive. Jayne showed up here the same day to watch me cry. Another friend, Pixie stayed with me a few times because I just cried and cried some more. My friend Erin crafts with me (I knit, she chrochets) and we have been out to the museum and stuff lately. Even friends in New York City and Barranquilla have been always checking on me and asking how my heart is. I just feel so loved and cared for. 

IMG-20160604-WA0021

Proof that I am really a fairy: me and Erin on fairy form under a table. (Lies, It’s an exhibit at The Broad Museum)

I have been keeping busy. I am getting used to my new job and I am trying to work out (aka go for walk) when I come home. Trying to take care of myself and my dog takes a lot of energy so during the day I am all on ME mode.

20160601_172159

Found some train tracks and mountains in my work out walk the other day. So happy. I love Mountains and I love trains.

20160601_171237

 

Night time is another story. At night I miss Trace so hard. I have mental images of their eyes, looking at me with this depth as if they could read my mind. I miss the way they smell and this delicate way in which they held me. I miss having someone to say good morning and good night too. I am sad that all the dreams and illusions I had for us have gone down the drain with one quick flush. 

But I am also relieved. I feel freed from my own feelings. I don’t have to walk on eggshells, afraid to say the wrong thing. I get to be my wonderful self 24/7. Because my feelings were stronger I felt at a disadvantage. I was afraid to upset them because a fight could mean the end and I knew that ending was going to be easier for them. I am not proud of myself. I was playing this little bitch role that does not fit me. I saw all the signs but was too weak and coward to address the rotting of our bond. I did not want to accept it. I knew the wave of pain was gonna kill me. 

And it did. But I resurrected. 

I am focusing on being grateful for the short time I had them. I thank the universe because I was lucky enough to love this beautiful prince, to hold them and care for them. I got to kiss them, I got to call them mine. I learned from them. I am grateful for that. In the words of Alejandro Sanz “Ya no me importa si me quisiste por que en mis sueños yo te tuve. Ademas hay gente que no consigues olvidar jamas, no importa el tiempo que eso dure”. (It’s from a song called Eso) 

There are so many positive changes happening in my life after these last two difficult years in California. I finally have a good place to live, a job I wanted and friends. I cannot help but to count this break up like one more blessing. 

Last weekend, I tried reaching a hand to Trace and it was a disaster. We definitely speak different languages too and my attempt to get them to talk to me came off all blamy and shit. It hurt to realize that I am not in a position to listen to them objectively or be gentle. I considered a friendship for a hot second when my heart kept insisting that it did not want to lose them fully. But I lost them. Forever. It’s done. 

IMG_7857

 

 

Today was Gay Pride in Los Angeles. I marched in the parade with some friends, it was really amazing seeing all the homos unite. 

 

 

 

Since, I am now on post-break up forever alone mode. Which usually translate into extreme ME MODE. It’s perfect. I have been going out more, getting ready for summer, working out. I am a better person when I am alone. When my priority is myself, I do so much better. 

I am going to a short vacay this week and I am going to see Blondie. Can we call her Cory? I am finding Blondie condescending. I got to tell you that story one day. I am excited to travel and I am excited to see her. I considered canceling this trip because I want to be alone for at least 3 months, but like I only see her once maybe twice a year AND I have not had vacation in a while. I deserve fun and a break up should not take that away from me. 

I wonder why our lives are so parallel Ruth, why we continue to experience similar things with the weirdest timings.

What is your forever alone plan? Are you whoring out yet? (you know that post break up face when you wanna fuck around?) Have you thought about how long you want to stay single for? How is it going in the apartment alone? 

Sending you all the love and all the strength

Happy Pride 2016! My heart goes to Orlando. 

Love, 

Nora

Snapchat-121434203380121123

More proof that I am a fairy. Also, feel free to add me on snapchat: nomas616

 

 

 

The devil in the details

, , , ,

Dear Nora,

I cannot tell if we are the best people to counsel each other right now, or the worst. As I sit here in Portland, tearing up in a coffee shop listening to sad songs that remind me of everything I’ve lost and watching adorable in-love lesbian couples pass by.

I feel your pain so much, my dear. It jumps right off of the screen and I just want to cry with you and give you a hug and some fried chicken and binge watch something mind-numbingly stupid while we talk about being members of the forever alone club. My panicked heart is in complete lockdown and focused on one thing: keeping her in my life. As we’ve still been living together after breaking up, it’s all been a bit surreal, still calling each other babe, making her dinner, still having sex. She’ll make jokes about how she will make out with other people, and I’ll just feel a confused and somewhat detached jumble of feelings. And then sometimes, no feelings at all. Lots of numbness lately, actually. The full pain will follow, I suspect. But right now she’s still here, and still kind of feels like mine.

12000969_885849669793_1291709424202485007_o

I could go on and on about the reasons why I fell in love with her. But I realized that being in love isn’t enough. It isn’t the all-inclusive perfect formula for making it work with anyone. How disheartening is that? As rare as it is to find someone who you mutually fall in love with, and then that’s still not a guarantee? WTF.

I did, and didn’t see it coming. Didn’t, because I wasn’t quite ready to “give up”, but did, because a series of realizations had added up over the last few months, building a kind of unease. My heart was in denial, but my gut was giving me hints.

In the end, it was just a collection of ways in which we were mis-matched for long term partnership. We were both happy in a lot of ways, and could have carried on that way for a while… but we’re both looking for that person, the companion-for-life person. Past the one year mark, talking about next steps… the more permanent decision of whether this person could be that was looming and we were both having more doubts.

  1. We spoke each other’s love languages poorly. She wanted someone who just let her be, completely unconstrained and unencumbered. I wanted to dote and love on her and be doted on and adored, but that felt suffocating to her. And likewise, her just “letting me be” felt cold to me and made me insecure and anxious. We both did our best to stretch, but it was just such a far reach, I don’t know if we’d ever comfortably live there enough to satisfy the other person like we both deserve.
  2. Our communication was mis-matched. She craved instantaneous, verbal, clearly-stated thoughts and feelings expressed on demand. I needed time and space and processing and writing and thinking and coming back in hours and days and weeks with responses. Both of us felt frustrated and misunderstood.
  3. She was losing interest in me, pulling back and making me less of a priority and I was growing proportionally anxious and insecure and holding on more tightly. She was more satisfied to just have a partner who was “there” and secure for long term. I want that, yes, but also I need my partner to remain interested in me in a natural and unforced way.
  4. I felt challenged constantly by her, but almost never just “at rest”. She felt at rest with me, but seldom challenged. Neither is bad. But I need to feel at rest with my partner more than challenged. Life will challenge me enough.
  5. She is 95% extrovert, I am 66% introvert… and our pace of living is different. That is something we could have made do with and worked on more, but I’ll admit it could be exhausting for me. I have trouble already with making time for myself, but being with someone who needs people around almost constantly was making it even harder for me to balance that, when combined with my people pleasing tendencies. We both concluded we probably need someone a little bit closer to our end of the spectrum.
  6. She wants to move somewhere else, chances are it will be somewhere more southern, and less west coast, and I didn’t want to end up somewhere I don’t want to be and resent her for it someday.
  7. She would generally refer to traits that I love about myself, like kindness, empathy, compassion, putting others first, with less than high esteem. It’s not that she doesn’t value those things… she just values them less than other things. Essentially the traits she valued the most were things I was much weaker in (fighting for yourself, meeting your own needs first, being brave, speaking up…etc.), but it did make it harder for me to be proud of those things I was strong in, because I wanted to please her.
  8. We disagreed on this statement: People, generally speaking, are doing the best they can in this life. (I agree with that, she does not.) That belief or non-belief had a big impact on how we handled and viewed people in various situations.
  9. I am sensitive, oh-so-sensitive and big hearted and I cry often and feel things deeply and don’t have a very tough outer shell. She is sensitive in her own way, but has a tough outer shell and really values tough-love and no-frills approaches. This would often result in hurt feelings on my end, and annoyance on hers.
  10. I need my partner to be my best friend, among other things. Something, probably just the overall expanse of these differences, was holding us both back from feeling like the other person “got” us in the way we needed. Just on different pages more often than not.

Those probably seem like 10 really obvious things, but when you’re in love with each other, you can excuse most of that for a while, and some of it is only apparent over time. But the combination of all of it that brought us both to the same undesirable conclusion.

IMG_2888

I want to keep her, shouldn’t that be all that matters?

Even now, it’s helpful writing these things out, because I forget them when I’m holding her little hand in mine, and feeling her heart beating. All I can think in those moments is that I want to keep her. The only thing that’s been keeping me resolved over the last week or so is that internal confirmation I felt the moment we decided it—even as heartbreak rushed in—the anxiety left me that had built up in the indecision and doubt.

She is moving out in about a week. And then I will be all alone in our apartment. My apartment.

Sometimes all you can do is live something out, give it the time it is worthy of and get the answers you are seeking. I don’t think I would have felt satisfied in any way if I had called things off at my first sign of doubt. Elise was worth it to me to try, and then try again, and then to try something else and hold on and wait it out and talk it out and then try again. Trace was worth it to you to hold on, to give it time, to see if things would change. Immense pain demands the need to blame someone for causing it. And it’s all too easy to turn that blame inward. Would you really have done anything differently? Perhaps you just needed to reach the tipping point where this was no longer true: The only thing more painful that the emotional imbalance would be to not have them in my life at all. 

Unrequited love is surely the most merciless of all the loves. It is like the strongest drug, and completely unreasonable when it comes to self-lectures on the inevitable heartbreak of falling in love with someone who’s not in love with you. I’m so sorry you had to experience that, my dear. For the record, I think breaking up with someone for the reason that “they are not in love with me” is 100% legitimate.

Breaking up isn’t a punishment, it’s about recognizing a truth that brings awareness that you aren’t the best person for each other.

You said a lot of things in your last letter like “this imbalance hurts”, “It pains me”, “makes me insecure”. You should never have to hope that someone will maybe someday realize you’re fucking wonderful. You are. You are standing in front of them, being your amazing, magical self, and if they can’t see that, then it is ok to ask them to step aside and let someone else enter your life who will see it. In the words of Cheryl Strayed: “You cannot convince people to love you. This is an absolute rule. No one will ever give you love because you want him or her to give it. Real love moves freely in both directions. Don’t waste your time on anything else.” It sounds harsh, but it also brings a type of relief. To know something is out of your control takes the pressure off sometimes. I also know you already know this. (P.S. I highly recommend reading Tiny Beautiful Things during this period of pain. It is truth, in a raw but beautiful form, hopeful and heartbreaking and a perfect companion during big life shifts when you’re regaining footing.)

Screen Shot 2016-06-01 at 2.05.22 PM

Piece of poop pillow from my sister as a break-up gift.

I thought your answer “because I am not in love with my friends” was a good one. And it’s got me thinking a lot. How do I fall out of love with her Nora? Because I want so desperately for us to be friends. Part of me thinks we could potentially be better suited as friends than we were as partners. Obviously I know for sure that living together, having sex and acting like a couple is not helping us get to that point. I think probably the answer is time and space and both of us just doing our own thing… but I don’t like it.

Here’s the truth that’s been staring me in the face: I hide in relationships. They’re a comfortable place for me. I find an absolutely dazzling star of a human and attach myself to her. And I can let her sparkle, and I can focus on her needs, and I can stand in the shadows admiring her. But now, there’s nowhere to hide—nothing to take the attention off of myself and my life. I’ve been in long-term monogamous relationships for most of the last 8 or 9 years, essentially all of my 20s. Being alone for a while sounds so uncomfortable, because I will have to learn to shine all on my own. And when I look around for someone to take care of, I’ll see only myself. No more shrinking into corners, no more using a relationship as an excuse for why I don’t do x, y and z. I need to be captain of my soul.

Your friend, Ruth

P.S. I also definitely need to start a fairy garden, yours is so lovely. Except I think perhaps mine should be a miniature elephant sanctuary… I will keep you updated.

The grass is not greener

, , , ,

Dear Ruth, 

I am so incredibly sorry about your break up with Elise. I know how attached to each other you two are. Plus the fact that you lived together is such pain and now someone has to move out. I am so very proud of you for listening to your gut and going with it this time. It shows growth, it shows self trust. 

I am not sure where in your mourning process you are right now but I wonder how long before the break up you knew it was inevitable and the reasons why it came on. I need details girl. The devil is in the details. 

You definitely need an escape to Los Angeles and I can really use the company because guess what? Trace and I broke up. My pansexual polyamorous ass has joined the forever alone club and I am frustrated and heart broken and destroyed and beyond sadness. I am just sitting in the darkness of my lonely room thinking about the games life plays on me and hating myself for not running on time. 

I have known for at least three weeks that it was over. I knew when I told them that I was in love with them and they confirmed they were not any where near falling in love with me. I mentioned that I was worried that they were with me only buying time to be with someone they could fall in love with. Their response was: “What happens then?”. This was the stab. This confirmed my suspicions. I was a past time until the “real deal” came around or they just got over me. And they did.

We had not had sex in an incredibly long time, and we had been spending less and less time together. I worked so hard to gain their affection. I wanted to believe that sweet words and acts of kindness and good morning texts would do the trick. But no. It was all a figment of my imagination and I am back in square one holding my broken heart and wondering where to put it next to keep it safe. 

I don’t resent them as much as I would want to. I know they cannot force themselves to be in love with someone. And I am trying to forgive myself for letting this person break my heart TWICE. This is our second break up. The conversation I mentioned above happened on May 1st. That was our very first date last year, May 1st. I knew then that if they had known me for one whole year and they were not in love with me, it just was not going to happen. 

If there’s something that does not fail me is my intuition. I mourn things and people before the fall out happens. I see it coming and I want to deny it and I look the other way but oh I know is coming. Sometimes its a tsunami. One giant wave that destroys everything at once. This time it was a storm. A snow storm that slowly, quietly and beautifully burrowed my soul, cut off my power, isolated me and starved me. 

Trace wants to be friends. I said no. They asked why I had stayed friends with other people I dated, like Jayne and they could not. My answer was because I am not in love with my friends. And I stand by that. I want to purge my life of all the places and people and things that remind me of Trace. I don’t want to see or hear their name ever again. They do not get to be my friend. 

Friendship is a powerful force of salvation.

Friendship, in my humble opinion, is the only true love. My friends are my family. I am my best (and my worst) with my friends. Trace does not get to be my friend, they don’t get to keep the best of me after breaking my heart. They don’t get to string me along for a year to then realize it’s really not me. YOU KNEW IT WASN’T ME BITCH WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU START DATING ME AGAIN. Whether they meant to or not it’s beyond the point. I am in pain and they are enjoying their freedom. 

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!

This happened yesterday so the wound is pretty raw. But again, the stab happened weeks ago and I have been patching it up and hiding the blood spill. It’s clearly infected and I am using writing as my antibiotic. Letting all the pus out before my hearts gets gangrene and I need to amputate it. 

I have been making a garden for the fairies in my back yard. Here’s a picture of it. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am  sorry I cannot offer more support or more hopeful words. But my own pain is all I have.

One of the fairies has picked up the Ukelele

One of the fairies has picked up the Ukelele

Thank you being a friend.

 

Love,

 

Nora

 

Quietest Hours

, , , , , ,

My dear Nora,

I hope you’ll forgive me for not writing. It hasn’t been writer’s block exactly. I’ve almost had too many thoughts and feelings to collect them for you.

Elise and I broke up a few days ago. The month leading up to it was filled with tormented days and nights and discussions and overwhelming fear and desire and thoughts and journaling and phone calls to friends and sisters and tears—all of the tears. It was full of sound and fury, but it was never anything bad. Somehow, in all of that, we still managed to convey how deeply we love and cared about each other. How special we considered the other. How remarkably grateful we were to have shared a path for a time.

And now I feel as though I’ve just stepped off of a boat and I’m still swaying with the feel of the water as I step onto dry land. And my legs are wobbly. And I can still smell the sea.

I wanted it to be her, Nora. I truly did, in my heart of hearts. And she wanted it to be me. That’s what made it all so tormented. We were both fighting it in our own way, while something inside us both was telling us we weren’t the best fit for the long term. But the moment it ended, something inside me confirmed that was the right thing, and I believe the same thing happened for her. That sense of peace is what’s sheltered my heart the past few days from the waves of pain that are sure to follow.

Coincidence that Elise bought this book 2 days before we broke up? I think not.

Coincidence that Elise bought this book 2 days before we broke up? I think not. Signs from the universe.

I hope more than anything we will find a way to hold on to each other in life in some capacity. I think we’re still in the shock zone at the moment, figuring out logistics and crap. And also, today is her birthday. Our breakup was mutual, but I still feel like a grade-A asshole for giving her a broken heart for her birthday.

WHAT IS THIS LIFE, NORA?

Thank you for continuing to write me in spite of my radio silence. I’m sure I will tell you more about it all in the coming months. Maybe I am due for an LA getaway and we can just hang out in the park and the California sunshine and play with Toby.

I’ve been reading in the quiet moments, the solemn hours, where everything goes on buzzing around me, exactly the same and completely different at the same time. It feels strange to me, and numb, and like a deafening quiet. I’m reading Rilke’s “Letters to a Young Poet”:

Keep growing, silently and earnestly, through your whole development; you couldn’t disturb it any more violently than by looking outside and waiting for outside answers to questions that only your innermost feeling, in your quietest hour, can perhaps answer.

and also:

“Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked in rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”

I am proud of something, Nora. That I did listen to myself, I did not ignore my gut on this. Even though it broke my own heart. And I don’t understand it yet or have the answers, but I am following my innermost feeling, and maybe living my way into the answers. And in the deepest mud of all the pain, there is a seed of something really good.

Now, about you, my dear. I’m so sorry I’ve neglected you, when you have so much going on. The medical school application process does sound incredibly rigged and infuriating. I want this to be one of those against-all-odds stories like a movie, and you are the underdog protagonist and we are all cheering for you. I am cheering for you. And I’m glad you’re not ready to give up. I want to hear about why you want to be a doctor. What type of medicine do you want to practice?

I’m going to write you a separate letter to discuss numbers 2-4. I have so many thoughts and feelings and questions for you. My schedule is also freeing up so I will have time to write you much sooner than my delayed responses of late. I love this space Nora, having this tiny little corner of internet to talk to you and maybe to others also. It’s nice to know someone is listening. I am always listening, even if I don’t respond for a while, just know that. <3

Love, Ruth

P.S. Congrats on A) NEW JOB! B) NEW APARTMENT! C) NEW HAIRCUT (you look adorable!). Write that personal statement lady, I know you’ve got it in you, put your heart on the page—you are a brilliant writer.

P.P.S. Please re-upload the photo from you letter (titled “dog nut”). I need to see it!

Major Writer’s Block

, ,

Dear Ruth, 

You insist on being MIA and I just don’t know what to do with myself. I am starting to think that your letter got lost in the mail. The wires got crossed and it landed in Antarctica or anywhere that’s not here. I can wait for you to respond but I rather much not. Especially since I sat here all set up to write my personal statement for admission to graduate school and so far I got nothing. 

Therefore, I will write to you and vent about a few things that have been on my mind:

1.Medical School:

This application process is freaking terrible. I applied once and I failed. The following year I could not apply because I had some immigration issues going on. So this is my last chance to apply without re-taking the MCAT and I am freaking out.  I am competing with a bunch of privileged people whose job so far has been to get good grades. A lot of them live and breathe to become competitive applicants. That has not been my life. I am alone, I had to work, I had to pay rent. 

I could not just volunteer a thousand hours in a lab or a clinic. I could not just study away as I would have liked to. A part me knows I don’t have the numbers to chase this dream and that as an immigrant this is aiming pretty high. But the fact of the matter is that I don’t see myself doing anything else, so I am going to keep trying until I get into medical school or become so disillusioned with this dream that it’d wither away on its own. 

2. Emotionally unavailable people:

I have come to realize that I have been in love mutually only once and that was with my ex. I was in love with her and she was in love with me. This exhilarating experienced clouded my judgement and lead me to make crazy decisions.Some of them good, like coming out of the closet and committing to a relationship. Some of them bad, like moving in together too soon and moving to another state. 

I have the terrible habit of falling in love with emotionally unavailable people. This is a painful measure of self protection but it’s killing me. Trace and I are in such different places emotionally, I know they don’t feel about me as strongly as I feel about them and honestly, I doubt they want to. Here’s the catch though: they treat me well. They are honest, they don’t give me shit or drama for anything. We have a pretty chill relationship and I have been happy so far. 

My love and I

My love and I

But then my brain turns on, and starts thinking. Thinking is DA WORST. I realized that although they love me they’re not in love with me and this imbalance hurts. It pains me that their heart does not jump like mine, like they don’t yearn for me, that they are not fulfilled with me the way they have with other partners in the past. It makes me insecure. It makes me jealous of ghosts, of people in their past that have had what I want: Trace’s devotion. I have seriously considered ending it but I literally do not have a reason other than “They’re not in love with me” I cannot punish them (and myself) for something that is outta of our control. It’s stupid. 

The only thing more painful that the emotional imbalance would be to not have them in my life at all. I am trying to live the moment, I am trying to tell myself that maybe one day they’ll wake up and realize I am FUCKING WONDERFUL. That day may or may not come, maybe some other bitch shows up and they think SHE’s fucking wonderful. I actually brought this up, and their reaction was “What happens then?” UGH instead of “What are the chances of that?” They’re not the best at reassuring me TBH. 

3. Vicious Cycles

I am seeing seeing someone this summer that I’ll refer to as Blondie. Blondie is the person I cheated on my partner with. I have feelings for her STILL. TWO YEARS LATER. It is one of those situations in which we did not get a chance to be together because I moved to California so I keep wondering what would have happened if…I know the answer though: It’d be a fucking disaster. We are too different. She’s semi closeted, monogamous, privileged, seven years younger, her family hates me because I “turned her gay” (ha, ha not sorry I am hot). 

But I hold on to this illusions, one day…It’s part of what I was saying before: Going for emotionally unavailable people. How do I stop?

4. Commitment

I love Trace. I want to be with them for a while. But there’s life and reality and medical school and distances. I realize that i don’t want to fully commit to anyone since my ex because I find that I do not have healthy boundaries. I am impulsive and extremist I don’t measure myself out. I jump. I don’t want to do that anymore. 

I resent my ex extremely for making me move here. Moving here has delayed my dreams, it created issues financially and professionally for me. That’s not even mentioning the decay of my mental health and surviving without a support system. I no longer dwell on this though, I have made the best of my time in California. But the resentment is still there. 

I am taking my time with relationship commitment. Focusing of getting into school and then, once I know where I will be the next four years of my life I can commit to a place and a person, hopefully Trace. There’s residency to worry about but that’s way too far away in the future. 

5. Personal statement

Why wont this just write itself?

I really hope you are doing well and you are just busy with life and your wife. I appreciate having this space to vent and communicate with you and whoever else has been reading this letters. Makes me feel like my voice is heard. 

My schedule is freeing up. The last few months I have been working full time, shadowing a doctor, volunteering downtown and volunteering in research. Had to take a leave of absence from my virtual crisis volunteering. I am returning to that in June, or as soon as I can write this personal statement thing. I am done doing volunteer research and shadowing. So things are winding down. 

I start a new job next week that I am extremely excited about. Between the new job, the new apartment and some plans to travel this summer I am really really grateful to the Universe for all the gifts it has granted me this year. 

I hope you don’t have a writer’s block as big as mine. 

Love, 

Nora

 

Dognut

Dognut