All posts by Nora

The Value of Intentions

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Dear Ruth:

Heads up: this will be long. There will be lots of pictures.

I am so glad to hear we had the same Fourth of July. I fell asleep early to the sound of fireworks. But during the day I biked and read in the park with the baby. Pretty low key. Copy of 20160704_150028

I am also happy to hear about your smudging ritual. Little witch tip: Sage does not only take away negative energies. It erases everything. Your house is now a blank slate to be replaced with the energy of your choosing. So choose wisely. Light candles (mind the colors) and burn incense after. Here’s a pic of how crazy I go when I go to the magick store. And my altar, which is popping!

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I have a lot of mental stirring going on. I feel like this year has been a hurricane and I am left with the aftermath and the clean up. In chronological order: need to change jobs, my roommate threatened to evict me, broke up with Jayne (but stayed friends), put a friend in the hospital for being suicidal, had to find a new roommate, realized Trace was not for me, broke up with Trace (those were two different events about a month apart), return to volunteering (where Trace works, we dont ever interact though but it was a hard decision to make), went on road trip, saw Cory, Jayne decided she is too in love with me to be friends, I curse out Jayne for being a bad friend, Cory leaves, I am alone. No trace, no Jayne, no Cory. Just me and Toby. Per usual.

My days have been full of thoughts. I just play with my puzzles and contemplate loneliness and how familiar it feels.

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DurinCopy of 20160703_163949g the trip, I had a conversation with Cory about how much someone’s intentions (vs execution) are worth.  I have always been of the idea that actions speak louder than words and what you did and what you meant to do are two completely separate things. This is changing for me. There’s a song by Alejandro Sanz that says “Reclamame nuestra ilusión, exigeme el valor que tiene la intención” Basically, the hopes and the illusions you build with yourself and someone else have a certain value, what you sought to accomplish in any relationship is worth something (even if little), regardless how disastrous the execution.

I mentioned last time that I am working on forgiving myself and forgiving others. Here’s where this process has taken me: to acknowledge my intentions honestly and to accept the intentions of others as true. It sucks though, so hard. Especially from this place of loneliness where I am sitting right now. I have to accept that my ex wanted to grow professionally, she did not mean to abandon me. But she did. I am yet to forgive her for it TWO YEARS LATER I resent her. It has to end. I have to accept Trace wanted company, they deserved a chance to try, they did not want to hurt me.

Given a choice they would choose to fall in love with me because  :::flips hair:: I am so wonderful. But they are damaged and my magic is not for the faint of heart. I have to forgive their feeble attempt at loving me.

Jayne wanted to be friends with me, but it hurts her and now I feel betrayed and lied to because I really did think she saw me as a friend. But she did not mean to lie to me. She just could not do it. I have to forgive her, and let her go. But I miss Jayne the most. I miss her every day. I had this secret fantasy that we were going to be really close friends and then in a year or so when we are ready, get back together and live happily ever after. NOPE. She left.

Forgiving others and accepting their intentions as pure, takes me to forgive myself and accept my own. That I want to have partners, that I understand now why people get married and stay in less than ideal relationships: Being alone sucks. That I am too demanding for my own good, unwilling to compromise, unable to settle. I need to forgive myself for letting people go, for sometimes being the one that leaves, the one that ends it. For pouring my heart into the ones I love and not keeping anything to myself. For having poor boundaries.

And this takes me to you: BOUNDARIES. Let me say that again:

B-O-U-N-D-A-R-I-E-S

You my dear Ruth, are a Mrs. Softee. It was so refreshing to read your last letter and to know that people like you still exist. You are a specie in danger of extinction. And it is not martyrdom or Ghandiness. You sincerely get pleasure from building others up. If It is really easy for a self-centered bitch like myself to get lost in relationships, I can only imagine how natural it must feel to your softee ass to just live in function of another. BUT You cannot become a sum of someone else’s wants. I low-key judged you real hard when you gave away your cat for Elise. (WTF bro.. Real cat > pussy).

Your gifts, your light you MUST let it shine. Just make sure you are still the one that is carrying it. If you simply hand your light to someone else, they will walk away with the torch and you will be left in the dark. In order to make the best of your light you have to be the one to hold it, your loved ones must stand near you to be warmed and guided by it. This is your fire to share with others not give away. This is what I mean by boundaries: you get to embrace yourself as the giver, developer, promoter, compassionate, lover that you are while making sure you develop, promote, empathize with and love yourself first.

Fuck apologizing to people for needing alone time and writing long ass letters. Try replacing “Sorry” for “Thank you” and you will see how there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Instead of “Sorry I dont want to go out” use “thank you for giving me space” There’s a more positive connotation while promoting yourself and showing the other person appreciation.

Friends with Elise? Haha good luck with that. I am a little mad at her for putting you down for being such a giver. I am sure she was not complaining when you were giving things up for her. I have said before and I will say it again: DO NOT DATE COLOMBIAN WOMEN. We are an addictive sweet poison.

~END UNSOLICITED ADVICE~

About Cory: Ugh I love her. But I did not say I found her condescending. I found calling her Blondie condescending so I switched to Cory (re-read). Here is the story in a nutshell: I met her while in an open relationship with my ex. We had a summer thing, or what was meant to be a summer thing. Then I moved to Cali and tried to go on with my life, while she (who was 19 at the time) tried to go on with hers. Did not work. I was her first girl and the coming out process was too hard for her to deal with alone. Then we realized we were in love but I was in California in a relationship. Everything went to hell. We have gone through periods of talking daily and months of not talking. But every time we are near each other, every given opportunity, we meet up.

I have been miserable about this bond over and over because it seems so impossible due to the distance. But she has always been hopeful that I will go back east and we could be together. I do not think I have ever seen anyone been so sincerely in love with me. I have tried to let this go, to let it die, to let it wither. Nothing. Still alive as ever.

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Trust me Ruth, I understand you. I am one damaged cynical motherfucker but I understand this dream of yours of having Prince Charming come on her white horse and sweep you off your feet. I understand your need to believe that she’s out there, searching for you while you are in Portland, waiting for her. I want that too.

But not now. This is the time for us to learn boundaries, to take care of ourselves, our dreams, our bodies. To re-evaluate our needs and desires, to get ready for the big 30 and welcome the next decade as WOMEN. Girlhood is over, youth is wasted on the young.

I love you and I hope you are having a great summer.

Love,

Nora

PS. I am doing a book drive for the kids in my block. They are children of Hispanic immigrants who cannot afford camp and their parents work too much for them to be taken to the library. Do you know anyone who would want to donate books grades 1-8? I also have an amazon wishlist, where you can purchase the and send them my way. Really hoping someone gets Wimpy kid because they really really want those.

Road Trip and Summer Dreams…

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Dear Ruth

How are you? And more importantly, where are you? I get mad trust issues when you disappear off the face of the earth.  I need to know that you are okay and that your post-break up self is not doing anything self destructive.

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Lake Powell, AZ

 

I went on a road trip from Denver, CO to Las Vegas, NV with stops in several national parks and it was AMAZING. I was so appalled by nature.

 

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AJ at Black Canyon, CO

 

I went with Cory and two friends AJ and D$$. I had never done so much physical activity and they were really encouraging for me to push myself. I can say I like hiking now, although I saw death pretty close in The Grand Canyon. 

 

During the trip, I had to step out and cry one night. I had this horrible guilt about being on vacation because of money. I am in a lot of debt and my income keeps me comfortable but not in a place in which I can afford to NOT be thrifty. Which I am, I rarely pay full price for anything. But a vacation? I know I deserve it and I really really wanted it, but I am an immigrant after all and the WORK, WORK, WORK mentality has me.

After the trip, Cory, AJ and D$$ are staying with me for a week. It has been crazy to have three extra people in my house but I am very happy to be able to share my LA experience with some of my NYC friends. We hiked to the Hollywood sign, rode bikes by the LA river, went to the beach, went to Shakespeare in the park. It has been great.

This is the first time Cory and I get two entire weeks of being together. TWO WEEKS!!!! This is a long time for two people who have gotten a day or two at a time, sometimes only a few hours 4-6 months apart. I met her right before I left New York and most of our history has been long distance. This is the person I was talking to while with my ex. I am in love with her, two years later and never having properly dated her. It is a problem. The silver lining: it’s mutual.

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Cory and I, HorseShoe Bend, AZ

They leave tomorrow and I know I must prepare to set back into a reality in which I am alone and need to stay that way. I started therapy and one of my goals is to remain focused on me and fulfill my own need for attention instead of recurring to dating every time out of boredom or loneliness. The truth is, I don’t really want to be in a relationship. Especially since I am applying to Medical School and don’t know where I will be in the fall of 2017. I want this last year out of school to be for me and about me. I need healing, I need recovery. I need to forgive myself for allowing people to hurt me, for trusting the wrong ones with my heart. I need to forgive others too. But I cannot do it alone. I need the structure and support from a professional to make this happen. 

I thought about Trace during the trip. I was trying to make sense of why I fell out of love as hard and as quickly as I did. I needed to know what they meant to me, what they represented in my life. Only thing I could come up with is that they are my pattern. I remember you asking me if I felt like anyone was permanent and the answer was no. I think I am looking for a family. I subconsciously go for people who are somehow alone or in need (I do this with friendships too) and I try to make myself so indispensable that they would never leave me. This, of course, fails every time. They leave or I leave. It’s not sustainable and it’s not healthy.

I arrived at this conclusion because I have lots of insecurities with Cory since she’s younger, pretty, privileged, etc and I do not feel like there’s anything she needs that I can give her. However, she chooses me again and again.

She WANTS me. What a fucking concept.

It’s been such a process, I blocked Trace from my phone. They were playing this game in which they text me whenever they feel like it and equally ignore me, so I think they can text the air forever since I won’t get their texts anymore. I asked them to mail my clothes (and this beautiful heels I left in their house) and they insisted in dropping them off (so they can see me) and I just feel like it was gonna be a manipulation situation that I don’t need to be involved in. I blocked them and I don’t think I’ll hear from them again unless they get really creative with the stalking, which I doubt. I can go to payless and get my nude heels again, that’s what coupons are for.

I think I am in a good place but I have SO MUCH WORK TO DO. In myself, for myself, by myself. I must be my own family, my own partner, my own lover.

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Being active is part of caring for myself and my health, Toby is loving it.

I must learn to motivate myself and enjoy my company. I must take better care of my body. I must take better care of my finances and I need to get into medical school.

The summer marks the beginning of a new year for me, since I came to America in June, I start counting in June. This year I am going to focus on growing spiritually and emotionally. It’s the last year in my 20s and I am going to make it count.

What are you up to? Can you please update me before I go bananas on social media and stalk the hell out of you?

Thank you for listening to my constant rants. Having you and this space keeps me accountable.

Love,

Nora

P.S. AJ and Cory are going to continue their road trip up the west coast and may stop in Portland. Is there a chance you can host them for a night or two? How epic would that be?

 

Saved by my friends

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Dear Ruth, 

Your last letter was impressively thorough. Thank you for being so transparent. I feel like I got to see a different aspect of you. When juxtaposed with Elise and both of your preferences and likes/dislikes, it shed a light on your personality. I can tell you are the hopeless romantic always seeking The One, in love with love. 

I made my ex-bae Jayne read your letter because I can see her in your words. She also has moved from one relationship to the next and seeks that attachment. She’s optimistic and devoted like you. With this need for romance and sweetness and coming home to someone’s arms….etcetera. Novela stuff. 

I thought some of your incompatibilities with Elise reflected Jayne and I’s problems. My favorite was the one with the statement “People are doing their best”. No. they’re not dude. People are trying to get the most gain with the least resource investment in every possible situation. I am naturally distrustful, you seem naturally forgiving. Jayne is like that too. You two would get along. 

In this episode of my forever alone life, I have to say I am surprisingly well. I am not healed and I am not “over it” but I am okay. And I am happy to say I owe it 90% of it to my friends and 10% to myself. My friends have been so incredibly supportive. Jayne showed up here the same day to watch me cry. Another friend, Pixie stayed with me a few times because I just cried and cried some more. My friend Erin crafts with me (I knit, she chrochets) and we have been out to the museum and stuff lately. Even friends in New York City and Barranquilla have been always checking on me and asking how my heart is. I just feel so loved and cared for. 

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Proof that I am really a fairy: me and Erin on fairy form under a table. (Lies, It’s an exhibit at The Broad Museum)

I have been keeping busy. I am getting used to my new job and I am trying to work out (aka go for walk) when I come home. Trying to take care of myself and my dog takes a lot of energy so during the day I am all on ME mode.

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Found some train tracks and mountains in my work out walk the other day. So happy. I love Mountains and I love trains.

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Night time is another story. At night I miss Trace so hard. I have mental images of their eyes, looking at me with this depth as if they could read my mind. I miss the way they smell and this delicate way in which they held me. I miss having someone to say good morning and good night too. I am sad that all the dreams and illusions I had for us have gone down the drain with one quick flush. 

But I am also relieved. I feel freed from my own feelings. I don’t have to walk on eggshells, afraid to say the wrong thing. I get to be my wonderful self 24/7. Because my feelings were stronger I felt at a disadvantage. I was afraid to upset them because a fight could mean the end and I knew that ending was going to be easier for them. I am not proud of myself. I was playing this little bitch role that does not fit me. I saw all the signs but was too weak and coward to address the rotting of our bond. I did not want to accept it. I knew the wave of pain was gonna kill me. 

And it did. But I resurrected. 

I am focusing on being grateful for the short time I had them. I thank the universe because I was lucky enough to love this beautiful prince, to hold them and care for them. I got to kiss them, I got to call them mine. I learned from them. I am grateful for that. In the words of Alejandro Sanz “Ya no me importa si me quisiste por que en mis sueños yo te tuve. Ademas hay gente que no consigues olvidar jamas, no importa el tiempo que eso dure”. (It’s from a song called Eso) 

There are so many positive changes happening in my life after these last two difficult years in California. I finally have a good place to live, a job I wanted and friends. I cannot help but to count this break up like one more blessing. 

Last weekend, I tried reaching a hand to Trace and it was a disaster. We definitely speak different languages too and my attempt to get them to talk to me came off all blamy and shit. It hurt to realize that I am not in a position to listen to them objectively or be gentle. I considered a friendship for a hot second when my heart kept insisting that it did not want to lose them fully. But I lost them. Forever. It’s done. 

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Today was Gay Pride in Los Angeles. I marched in the parade with some friends, it was really amazing seeing all the homos unite. 

 

 

 

Since, I am now on post-break up forever alone mode. Which usually translate into extreme ME MODE. It’s perfect. I have been going out more, getting ready for summer, working out. I am a better person when I am alone. When my priority is myself, I do so much better. 

I am going to a short vacay this week and I am going to see Blondie. Can we call her Cory? I am finding Blondie condescending. I got to tell you that story one day. I am excited to travel and I am excited to see her. I considered canceling this trip because I want to be alone for at least 3 months, but like I only see her once maybe twice a year AND I have not had vacation in a while. I deserve fun and a break up should not take that away from me. 

I wonder why our lives are so parallel Ruth, why we continue to experience similar things with the weirdest timings.

What is your forever alone plan? Are you whoring out yet? (you know that post break up face when you wanna fuck around?) Have you thought about how long you want to stay single for? How is it going in the apartment alone? 

Sending you all the love and all the strength

Happy Pride 2016! My heart goes to Orlando. 

Love, 

Nora

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More proof that I am a fairy. Also, feel free to add me on snapchat: nomas616

 

 

 

The grass is not greener

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Dear Ruth, 

I am so incredibly sorry about your break up with Elise. I know how attached to each other you two are. Plus the fact that you lived together is such pain and now someone has to move out. I am so very proud of you for listening to your gut and going with it this time. It shows growth, it shows self trust. 

I am not sure where in your mourning process you are right now but I wonder how long before the break up you knew it was inevitable and the reasons why it came on. I need details girl. The devil is in the details. 

You definitely need an escape to Los Angeles and I can really use the company because guess what? Trace and I broke up. My pansexual polyamorous ass has joined the forever alone club and I am frustrated and heart broken and destroyed and beyond sadness. I am just sitting in the darkness of my lonely room thinking about the games life plays on me and hating myself for not running on time. 

I have known for at least three weeks that it was over. I knew when I told them that I was in love with them and they confirmed they were not any where near falling in love with me. I mentioned that I was worried that they were with me only buying time to be with someone they could fall in love with. Their response was: “What happens then?”. This was the stab. This confirmed my suspicions. I was a past time until the “real deal” came around or they just got over me. And they did.

We had not had sex in an incredibly long time, and we had been spending less and less time together. I worked so hard to gain their affection. I wanted to believe that sweet words and acts of kindness and good morning texts would do the trick. But no. It was all a figment of my imagination and I am back in square one holding my broken heart and wondering where to put it next to keep it safe. 

I don’t resent them as much as I would want to. I know they cannot force themselves to be in love with someone. And I am trying to forgive myself for letting this person break my heart TWICE. This is our second break up. The conversation I mentioned above happened on May 1st. That was our very first date last year, May 1st. I knew then that if they had known me for one whole year and they were not in love with me, it just was not going to happen. 

If there’s something that does not fail me is my intuition. I mourn things and people before the fall out happens. I see it coming and I want to deny it and I look the other way but oh I know is coming. Sometimes its a tsunami. One giant wave that destroys everything at once. This time it was a storm. A snow storm that slowly, quietly and beautifully burrowed my soul, cut off my power, isolated me and starved me. 

Trace wants to be friends. I said no. They asked why I had stayed friends with other people I dated, like Jayne and they could not. My answer was because I am not in love with my friends. And I stand by that. I want to purge my life of all the places and people and things that remind me of Trace. I don’t want to see or hear their name ever again. They do not get to be my friend. 

Friendship is a powerful force of salvation.

Friendship, in my humble opinion, is the only true love. My friends are my family. I am my best (and my worst) with my friends. Trace does not get to be my friend, they don’t get to keep the best of me after breaking my heart. They don’t get to string me along for a year to then realize it’s really not me. YOU KNEW IT WASN’T ME BITCH WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU START DATING ME AGAIN. Whether they meant to or not it’s beyond the point. I am in pain and they are enjoying their freedom. 

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!

This happened yesterday so the wound is pretty raw. But again, the stab happened weeks ago and I have been patching it up and hiding the blood spill. It’s clearly infected and I am using writing as my antibiotic. Letting all the pus out before my hearts gets gangrene and I need to amputate it. 

I have been making a garden for the fairies in my back yard. Here’s a picture of it. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am  sorry I cannot offer more support or more hopeful words. But my own pain is all I have.

One of the fairies has picked up the Ukelele

One of the fairies has picked up the Ukelele

Thank you being a friend.

 

Love,

 

Nora

 

Major Writer’s Block

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Dear Ruth, 

You insist on being MIA and I just don’t know what to do with myself. I am starting to think that your letter got lost in the mail. The wires got crossed and it landed in Antarctica or anywhere that’s not here. I can wait for you to respond but I rather much not. Especially since I sat here all set up to write my personal statement for admission to graduate school and so far I got nothing. 

Therefore, I will write to you and vent about a few things that have been on my mind:

1.Medical School:

This application process is freaking terrible. I applied once and I failed. The following year I could not apply because I had some immigration issues going on. So this is my last chance to apply without re-taking the MCAT and I am freaking out.  I am competing with a bunch of privileged people whose job so far has been to get good grades. A lot of them live and breathe to become competitive applicants. That has not been my life. I am alone, I had to work, I had to pay rent. 

I could not just volunteer a thousand hours in a lab or a clinic. I could not just study away as I would have liked to. A part me knows I don’t have the numbers to chase this dream and that as an immigrant this is aiming pretty high. But the fact of the matter is that I don’t see myself doing anything else, so I am going to keep trying until I get into medical school or become so disillusioned with this dream that it’d wither away on its own. 

2. Emotionally unavailable people:

I have come to realize that I have been in love mutually only once and that was with my ex. I was in love with her and she was in love with me. This exhilarating experienced clouded my judgement and lead me to make crazy decisions.Some of them good, like coming out of the closet and committing to a relationship. Some of them bad, like moving in together too soon and moving to another state. 

I have the terrible habit of falling in love with emotionally unavailable people. This is a painful measure of self protection but it’s killing me. Trace and I are in such different places emotionally, I know they don’t feel about me as strongly as I feel about them and honestly, I doubt they want to. Here’s the catch though: they treat me well. They are honest, they don’t give me shit or drama for anything. We have a pretty chill relationship and I have been happy so far. 

My love and I

My love and I

But then my brain turns on, and starts thinking. Thinking is DA WORST. I realized that although they love me they’re not in love with me and this imbalance hurts. It pains me that their heart does not jump like mine, like they don’t yearn for me, that they are not fulfilled with me the way they have with other partners in the past. It makes me insecure. It makes me jealous of ghosts, of people in their past that have had what I want: Trace’s devotion. I have seriously considered ending it but I literally do not have a reason other than “They’re not in love with me” I cannot punish them (and myself) for something that is outta of our control. It’s stupid. 

The only thing more painful that the emotional imbalance would be to not have them in my life at all. I am trying to live the moment, I am trying to tell myself that maybe one day they’ll wake up and realize I am FUCKING WONDERFUL. That day may or may not come, maybe some other bitch shows up and they think SHE’s fucking wonderful. I actually brought this up, and their reaction was “What happens then?” UGH instead of “What are the chances of that?” They’re not the best at reassuring me TBH. 

3. Vicious Cycles

I am seeing seeing someone this summer that I’ll refer to as Blondie. Blondie is the person I cheated on my partner with. I have feelings for her STILL. TWO YEARS LATER. It is one of those situations in which we did not get a chance to be together because I moved to California so I keep wondering what would have happened if…I know the answer though: It’d be a fucking disaster. We are too different. She’s semi closeted, monogamous, privileged, seven years younger, her family hates me because I “turned her gay” (ha, ha not sorry I am hot). 

But I hold on to this illusions, one day…It’s part of what I was saying before: Going for emotionally unavailable people. How do I stop?

4. Commitment

I love Trace. I want to be with them for a while. But there’s life and reality and medical school and distances. I realize that i don’t want to fully commit to anyone since my ex because I find that I do not have healthy boundaries. I am impulsive and extremist I don’t measure myself out. I jump. I don’t want to do that anymore. 

I resent my ex extremely for making me move here. Moving here has delayed my dreams, it created issues financially and professionally for me. That’s not even mentioning the decay of my mental health and surviving without a support system. I no longer dwell on this though, I have made the best of my time in California. But the resentment is still there. 

I am taking my time with relationship commitment. Focusing of getting into school and then, once I know where I will be the next four years of my life I can commit to a place and a person, hopefully Trace. There’s residency to worry about but that’s way too far away in the future. 

5. Personal statement

Why wont this just write itself?

I really hope you are doing well and you are just busy with life and your wife. I appreciate having this space to vent and communicate with you and whoever else has been reading this letters. Makes me feel like my voice is heard. 

My schedule is freeing up. The last few months I have been working full time, shadowing a doctor, volunteering downtown and volunteering in research. Had to take a leave of absence from my virtual crisis volunteering. I am returning to that in June, or as soon as I can write this personal statement thing. I am done doing volunteer research and shadowing. So things are winding down. 

I start a new job next week that I am extremely excited about. Between the new job, the new apartment and some plans to travel this summer I am really really grateful to the Universe for all the gifts it has granted me this year. 

I hope you don’t have a writer’s block as big as mine. 

Love, 

Nora

 

Dognut

Dognut

A decision every day

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Dear Ruth,

How dare you avoid me?

(This is a real question, really, how did you do it? Sometimes I want to avoid myself)

I do not want to talk about my trip to Colombia on this letter because that is going to be a really long story and it has a sad ending. I rather rant to you about marriage today and leave the immigrant rant for another letter (it’s coming though, I got so much bitching to do)

I want to respond to your question of getting ownership of your feelings and thoughts. I absolutely think you can, but it is not going to be fun. First of all, I am polyamorous. I cannot really relate to the idea of jealousy in romantic relationships. What are you jealous of? What are you worried about? That they’d leave you? That someone prettier would come around? I don’t get it man. I do know about trust in relationships. Relationships are based in decisions. People wake up every day and choose to stay with YOU. You don’t own Elise, she can look at whom she pleases and talk to whom she pleases. She can wake up tomorrow and say: FUCK THE LEASE! I AM OUT! But she has not. And she may never do that. You just have to accept that she chooses you every day and will continue to do so until she wants to. You cannot win her over, you cannot earn love. This is not a competition: you vs all other gayz. This is a partnership.

Whenever you feel jealous, count the days that Elise has chosen you. The times she has gone out of her way to please you, say thank you to the universe for ten things she has done that make you happy. By the time you are done, you won’t remember what you were jealous about.

Trust is not never being jealous. Trust is getting past those fears and insecurities and knowing they’d choose you again.

We are just so different Ruth. Like I cannot comprehend the way you think about marriage as security. My parents are married to this day and it has brought nothing but unhappiness to each other and their children. A lease, a marriage contract, paper and more paper. I can relate to the thought of “I choose this person to be my closest of kin” , this makes sense to me. The way you list an emergency contact on forms and applications. You have someone. In this sense, I get your idea of marriage. You have someone, undoubtedly. It is the certainty that they have your best interest and your happiness in mind.

But this statement I have a problem with “This person is my anchor. This person is my home”

It mostly has to do with my growing up without a family or an anchor or a “home”; feeling still like home is a foreign concept that may never make sense to me. When I broke up with my ex, I went through a whole process of re-accepting this “homelessness”. And I came across this poem:

you can’t make homes out of human beings

home warsan shire3_900someone should have already told you that

and if he wants to leave

then let him leave

you are terrifying

and strange and beautiful

something not everyone knows how to love.

By Warsan Shire (here’s the whole poem)

So what happens if the anchor lifts? You drift. What happens if you want to navigate away from port? The anchor holds you back. I am not okay with this. I am the captain of my soul (also a poem).  I have had too many “homes” to believe that they would last more than five years. I promise, I am not cynical. I am actually very romantic. But as a friend, I want you to go into this thinking:

a new contract every day, a decision every day.

Trace and I are coming onto a one year anniversary of our very first date. I have never been with anyone so different to myself. Half the time, I am almost certain they would leave. And I am surprisingly okay with it. They have been consistently around for the last five months and have made me very happy. We have had conversations about moving in together and marriage and such. We agreed to seriously revisit the concept when we have been together for a year.

I am doing better in terms of stress (or trying) the game plan was to reduce the number of commitments I currently have and make alone time to recharge and1461865314292 recover. It has worked well so far. I had a very abusive roommate (he’s a little psycho though, like not all there) who harassed me on text every day and yelled at my guests and threatened to have me evicted (after I gave moving notice). It was making me feel very unsafe, called 911 several times. This was definitely not helping my stress levels. But now I have moved and I am pleased
with my apartment, I have more space and more privacy and no harassment whatsoever. My biggest problem is Toby pooping in the house, but currently working on that. 

I am also making a fairy garden in the small yard we have in the back. Its going to be so beautiful. I will send pictures when it’s done.

I cut my hair recently, what do you think?

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Thank you for putting up with my weirdness. I will write to you again about Colombia, and privilege and goals and being an immigrant. It’s on my mind right now but too stormy to make a decent post out of it.

Love,

Nora

PS. Yorkies are perfect. Great for allergies, small and well behaved. I approve.

Of why I came to America

, , , ,

Dear Ruth,

The pictures of the tree house are EPIC. They’re the most reblogged post in our tumblr page.

Thank you for taking my craziness into consideration and writing such a lengthy Echo Park, Los Angeles and educational reply to my ranting. Things got worse before they got better. I had a panic attack at work and the boyfriend had to come pick me up. Well, they did not have to. They chose to pick me up because I mentioned I did not feel safe going home,I did not want to be unsupervised. When I get panic attacks I get kind of paranoid and I think everything is out to get me. Oh, and I cannot stop crying. It’s not fun and it’s not pretty. I am also not crazy.

I am gratefully doing better and sat with myself in the park the other day to write some things down and prioritize. I have way too much in my plate right now. The stress level is escalating and it will only get higher if I want to apply to school this summer. I really need to come up with a game plan.

When it comes to mental health, it is very important to have the right support and the right strategy. “Winging it” is a really really really bad plan.

I am glad Elise has you as support and if you ever not know how to deal with it, feel free to ask away.

In the love life, I am looking to date but have not met anyone that catches my eye lately. I am very in love with Trace and I am enjoying it. Did I mention Trace is agender? They recently changed their pronouns to they/them/theirs and I am adjusting to it. We settled for the title “boyfriend” or partner because they are the home depot type.

Ruth, I am glad you asked about my move to the states. It’s a really boring story but it’s a big part who I am since moving here shaped me so much.

My mom is a minister. Her dream job is to preach the gospel and get paid for it. She’s also an educator, that’s her day job. My mother has two sister who emigrated to the states when she was very young. One those sisters, also named Nora, is a devout christian. My aunt Nora’s church used to have a pastors conference every year during the month of April. In 2003, my mom received an invitation to attend the conference and my other aunt had the idea to include me on the letter. I was very involved in my church and was a minor so it was very likely I would get a visa.

Alas, the American embassy gave us an interview for a visa the week after the conference and it would not make any sense to even attend the interview. But my aunts in New York were very invested in seeing my mom in the states. They had not seen her for like 30 years so they talked to the church and they issued my mom an invitation for a different event in June that year. Our visas were approved and we came in June 2003. My mom stayed for a few months and went back to Colombia in August. I did not see her for a few years after that.

I lived with my aunt Nora for about a year and a half but we did not get along and it was hell. Then I lived with another aunt Mary for another year-ish. I moved out the winter after I turned 18 and never looked back.

It’s a pretty lame story but that’s the gist. The only interesting part is how I made this decision. In December 2002, my mom asked me if given the opportunity would I live in the United States with my aunt. I said yes instantly. I was in my last year of High School and I was aware there was no money for higher education. My father is completely useless and my mom was struggling to carry my sisters community college. My future after school did not look bright or promising so i was given a way out and took it. I also hated my parents, so everyone wins.

This remains to date the most important decision of my life and I made it as a child. I am not sure why this was left up to me

or who thought it was a good idea to send a teenager into the wild alone. Yes I lived with relatives but I had never met them. They did not feel like family, still don’t. Being alone in this country has made me the strong independent invincible woman that I am today. But I was not always this person. I had to survive the loneliness and the abandonment. Had to figure out life, adulting, education, health, basically EVERYTHING. Alone and in a different country. I do not recommend it. I would not send my children away to have a better future.

This is getting long but to answer the rest of your questions:

Do you still keep in touch with them?

Yes, through whatsapp mostly I don’t like talking on the phone so internet is better

Have you ever gone back?

I have been back once and it was interesting. (Would you like details?)

Are your closest friends with you in California? or still back in NY?

My closest friends are in NY. I am starting to make friends in California. I have made a really strong bond with one friend named Pixie. There’s a friend Stephanie who I dated a while back in NYC who now lives here. She’s great to have. I hope to keep growing a circle. Even though I am not sure if I am staying here.

Do you have people in your life who feel “permanent”?

No. I had one friend named Sofia who felt permanent but she decided to dump me in 2014, after six years of friendship. Bitch moved to California last December and STILL did not hit me up. That has made it really hard to trust friendships. My Best friend Iris who is in NYC is healing most of that wound and she is starting to feel permanent even though we are apart.

I hope this answers your questions Ruth. Feel free to keep asking.

I still want to hear about the “m” word though. Trace and I have discussed moving in together and agreed to revisit the idea seriously when we have been together for about a year. I saw this article in Autostraddle about the pace of relationships and how it is different for everyone and not an indicator of ANYTHING. Made me think of you and Elise who went from dating to wife-ing in less than a year.

I hope the ice has melted completely by now in Portland, and that you are finding fresh vegetables in the hipster markets you are always visiting.

Toby desperately needs a haircut, buSnapchat-7584283940234007677t he says hi.

Thank you for being a good friend.

Love, 

Nora 

Endings and beginnings.

, , , , ,

Dear Ruth,

Happy International Women’s Day!!!! Being a woman it’s the biggest of blessings. I have followed the poet you recommended and it was the best idea. Thank you.

Happy Leap day!!! I am late af and no, I did not do anything interesting.

I am sorry I did not get back to you sooner. I have been in a weird mental space. Depression returns like a debt collector with a list of my failures and reads them out loud for me to enjoy. I cannot do much internally to fight it other than being grateful for what I have and sending love memos to myself. Externally I play music as loud as possible, listen to podcasts and knit to the sound of Netflix. Anything that is louder than my internal demons helps, temporarily.

And lavender, lavender helps.

I thought it was interesting you mentioned casual dating when I was talking about my Baes. Polyamory is so much more than that. I get bored of casual dating because I do not like hook ups. I rather invest myself in people and create meaningful bonds. Kind of like you, but with one more than one person.  I don’t ever want to feel responsible for fulfilling ALL of one person’s needs. That was so draining for me. Knowing than my partners have other partners that can provide things I lack lowers the pressure to be everything they need.

Although not all is well in poly-paradise. I recently broke up with Jayne due to some irreconcilable incompatibilities. I am a sarcastic smart-ass and she’s a Hippie. We could not see eye to eye in things that were actually important. Like depression. She tried to provide support for me in a way that I did not respond well to. At times she would just sit with me and bring me fried chicken. Those are the good days, that is the support I need. I need fried chicken in my life. On other occasions I would try to talk to her, like comment on what I was feeling and her response is always positive and optimistic which is the WORST thing to offer to someone in depression.

You cannot present happy alternatives to someone who is in pain. You must wait for the pain to pass and keep them IMG-20160209-WA0009comfortable, like an emotional hospice patient. Seeing others provide love and allow you to sulk (for short periods of time) is the best kind of support. A depressed person is negative and miserable and unpleasant and not by choice. In my case, it really helps to have a loved one sit  in the hole with me, it gives me strength to rise up. But if someone stays on top and throws me a rope, instead of going down the misery road with me for a bit, I feel judged.

Fortunately I have wonderful friends and one other partner who are being supportive. I threw a pity party with $5 wine and some take out and watched Mockingjay for the umpteenth time. It helped and thanks to that I am now able to reply to you.

Romantic dates with my ex, NO!!!! They are not romantic at all. They are fun though. And we try to stay in each other’s lives although it is hard. We know each other too much and tend to pick up fights rather often. I would say the thing that allows us to stay friends is humor. Not taking things too seriously. I make fun of her obsession with drums and the gym, she makes fun of my “bae collecting” and lack of exercising. She sends me snaps of her working out at gym, I send her one back of me knitting with the hashtag #workout. We realize that we were growing apart in general and we are better humans apart. She has more time to invest in things she loves and I have more time to NOT hang with her friends and actually make my own, which was really hard here in California.

I am happy about you and Elise’s year. What is the plan for the anniversary?

I hope that this “m” word you speak of is “massage”. I hope that you are giving each other deep tissue aromatherapy massages to deal with the relationship things. I hope this “m” word does not require a trip to the courthouse and a ring, because OMG that a scary thought.

As a person who was separated from her family at the age of 16, I have a hard time gathering the idea of permanence. The concept that someone stays forever, like your family is supposed to, has been broken for me and it no longer exists. When I think of long term relationships I think of stability and companionship for a long time (like ten years). When someone says things like FOREVER I tend to slowly turn around and then run as fast as my dog runs to steal the cat food from the neighbor.

So let me ask you this, what is it that you envision yourself getting from this union? What is it that marriage has to offer than a partnership (minus legal contract) cannot?

You talked in your letter about the both of you recently getting off the infatuation cloud and landing “here”. What is here? What’s in that place? Does it smell good? Is it comfortable? Is it sustainable?

I am full of questions today.   

I am going to buy some paint and a few lamps to re-decorate some rooms of my inner house that have not been used in a while. This transition is going to be rough but I am always ready for a challenge that promises a happy ending.

The West Hollywood Public Library is closing soon and I must send this letter.

Being in a library is such a wonderful feeling. Just look at this heart of books, reminds me of mine and yours. 

20160312_174830 (2)

 

Love,
Nora

On Trusting Your Instincts

, , ,

Dear Ruth

I have so many updates for you in terms of romance.

e62fb458-7a8e-4b10-9d01-f44706b77503

San Diego, CA February 2016

Valentine’s Day was Amazing this year. On Saturday I had a Mariachi Dinner with Jayne*, she loved it. On Sunday, I had Palentine’s dinner with a friend. Friendship is the best of the loves. Then Monday and Tuesday I was in San Diego with Trace*. I have been seeing Jayne since September. We are both in our first polyamorous relationship and it has been such a learning experience. I have a longer history of on-and-offs with Trace. We are currently in a situationship. She is monogamous though, which complicates things. How can a monogamous person date a polyamorous person? I do not know, as of right now, we are making it work.

 

I also saw my ex this week for a salsa concert. Which made me a little melancholic because 1. Gilberto Santa Rosa has the most romantic salsa on earth and 2. We went to so many of these events together throughout our relationship. It makes the guilt come back to remind me that I had someone that I was extremely compatible with and that I ruined it. Guilt is lying though, I did not single handedly ruin it. It takes two to tango. Plus even though we seemed so compatible, I was very unhappy throughout our time in California. I was a lot happier when we were together in Brooklyn. That being said,

guilt will come to chase you and you just have to run faster.

It is interesting that we had the same but opposite experience and we had the same but opposite response. If there’s something that I came out with from my last breakup was trusting my instincts. This requires me to give up my hopes and daydreams. Understanding that the small voice inside of me is thinking ahead, it’s seen this before, it knows where this road leads.

I knew when my ex left New York City that I was extremely hurt by her abandonment. I was hooping to get over it. I supported her decision, and encouraged her, to apply for jobs here in LA. She was having a hard time in New York. But I did not know was how this would affect me, and the relationship.

By the time I got to LA, six months later, the whole thing was broken. I could not trust her with my heart since she had no problem picking up and leaving me behind in a span of about a week. It all happened so fast. I had to give away her clothes, move apartments, put our furniture on craigslist. The dog would roam the house looking for her, waiting for her to come home. She left me alone with a pile of shit to deal with and came to live the life in California.

I thought I could move on once we were back together. I thought the distance was the root of all the evil and that once we were near each other again, the feelings and the trust would return. (They did not). I ignored the parts of me heart that could no longer believe in someone who so easily just LEFT ME. From then on, I have a rule:

When in doubt, go with your gut.

2014-05-29-gut

People will lie to you, you will lie to yourself. But in the depths of consciousness there’s still that compass of self protection that will continue to point to the north. Follow the arrow.

It is hard to trust yourself when your instincts have failed you before. When you were convinced that you had something that may or may not have existed. But go back to that time, to the moment, really. I bet it seemed like a good idea at the time to let go of yourself, to alleviate the pain of betrayal by denying it. It is a lot easier to sit and think that you were unworthy and “not enough” and make poor decisions, than it is to accept that this precious thing you handed to someone so carefully, YOUR HEART, was dropped. For some bizarre reason, and I have seen people do this a lot, we tend to justify the shortcomings of our loved-ones at our own expense. We make excuses for their behaviors and exonerate them.

Forgiving yourself means giving yourself permission to make mistakes, understanding that most of life is playing trial and error until something works. It also recognizing our faults and taking responsibility. It requires us to separate what we did from what they did and being able to let go of both. Not an easy task but once it’s done, the voice that has been saying “I told you so” will stop pointing fingers. And you will have you back. 

I am curious as to where you found support after the crisis. How did your friends and family react? What reasons did you give them for the break up? How long did it take you to move to Portland?

I hope this week brings you lots of blessings.

Love,

Nora
*Jayne and Trace are not their real names. But they both approved these aliases.

Readying to Bloom

, ,

Dear Ruth,

If it rains there it won’t stop here. I realize that is a terrible way to start this letter but I promise it sounds beautiful in Spanish (Si por alla llueve, por aqui no escampa).

soundsbetter in spanish

The oatmeal in your breakfast reminds me I bought a huge pack of oats and I have to make some cookies because they are a lot tastier than oatmeal. I am happy to hear than you are singing in the Lesbian Choir (you are growing as a gay), and that this past year brought so many positive changes.

It has been an eventful year for me as well, this time last year I was also going through a breakup, alas on the opposite side of the coin. My ex-girlfriend of 3 years went through my cell phone and found very inappropriate messages between me and a girl from school. I am not sure how long I cheated on her for, I don’t even know what counts as cheating at this point since the girl in question was on the opposite coast. I had a sexual encounter with this person once while I was with my ex. So “technically” I only cheated on her one time?, one day?. I could try and justify the cheating and say it was the alcohol, a moment of weakness, that I was in heat, anything. But really, that is not how it works.

With cheating, comes an incredible amount of lying and omitting, violating your partner’s trust and the terms of the relationship. My ex did not deserve that. You did not deserve that. Once your needs are not being met in a relationship the adult thing to do is to address it, to have the open honest, painful conversation that the end is approaching. Denial has never served anyone well. I was alone in a foreign city, where I moved to be with my ex, depressed, lonely. and feeling unsupported. I developed feelings for someone else, I struggled with those feelings and I listened to my heart, not decency or common sense, and allowed myself to engage with someone else.

I have since renounced monogamy. Today, a year after being found out, (and having to move out, she kicked me out naturally) I am with two people who care for me, value me, don’t make me feel restricted and, best of all, know each other and about each other. I am being a lot more honest these days. Primarily with myself, accepting that I am not made for the stereotypical relationship that I may never have the white picket fence and the 2.2 kids. But sacrificing this fantastical notion of what a relationship should look like has allowed me to build strong REAL (not ideal) bonds with people.

You and Elise seemed to have formed a very strong bond in such a short time (You met her on Valentine’s? How romantic). I am not sure how she’s coping with your lack of trust and on-going healing process, but really it is not her job to clean up after the last mess. It’s yours. You get the broom and pick up the pieces of your soul that were scattered. You must wash them by hand and hang them out to dry. You then have to sew them back together, I warn you though, it won’t look the same. Even after ironing the last wrinkles of resentment you will be a whole new canvas.
I was tempted to tell you that you should have taken more time before committing to a new person, but I know that this is not how it works for everyone.

In actuality, it is love and not time what heals wounds.

When I think of healing, I like to think that we were born perfect. We are just trying to re-discover our heart and what it looked like before it was broken. I am just here to remind you that it is not your fault that you were hurt, that you ex’s decisions were hers to make and she selfishly sacrificed your well being for her wishes, that her lying is NOT A COMMENT ON YOUR WORTH, that you are wonderful and you are loved.

I welcome the spring with you, ready for the warmth, the flowers and the next adventure. I can sense changes coming the way flowers know it’s time to bloom. I am ready to flourish.

1450815845900

Love,
Nora