All posts by Nora

Whole lot of 2017

Dear Ruth:

I let a month pass before responding and I do not like it. Now there’s so much happening and I have to update you on it all.  First, I am very happy for you and Magpie and your desire to just be alone and cat all day. This is a very common symptom of being happy and not needing much.  It takes work to make balance between enjoying yourself and enjoying your partner within the constraints of whatever free time you have. How are things going with Lily? Did it get extra extra serious after you met the parents? How is she with the space giving?

I have all the questions.

If Mindfulness is your word for 2017 mine is :::drum roll::: SLAY. Yes Bitch! Slay like a Queen!!! I have a tendency due to my mental illness to just simmer in self pity and mope. I am trying to break these patterns, allowing myself to pity party for short periods of time to get it out of my system and follow it with a fair amount of SLAAAAYYYYY. I want to learn to stay gracious and grateful and enjoy what I have while waiting for what I want. It seems like medical school may not happen (for the second time FML) but I am applying to other programs and whatever I get into I need to SLAY.

Just Like you are taking good care for your body (are you? Are you?) I am trying to be more active. I enjoy cooking and I manage food better than I manage exercise. Plus the mental illness wants me to go from bed to couch and couch to bed. So exercise is the hardest part for me. Thankfully, we have each other to keep us in check. Key gave me a free Yoga month and I’m going to use it in March. Talking about Fresh Tracks, this year I am trying to live by the Wheel of the Year and plan my growth and activities with the seasons. January was raining here like crazy and I decided to hibernate. February I am doing a training for a Crisis Counselor Volunteer position and that will take lots of my time, but I am going to start becoming active again.

In March I will use my Yoga month and by April it should be warm enough for me to work out outside (which is literally walking two miles, dog in tow). Keeping busy with all the things help me cope with the waiting in regards to school and all the programs I have applied to. Something has to hit eventually and I will be able to move back East which I really want. I am a bit nervous about making such a transition alone but I trust the Universe everything will come out all right.

In the Polyamorous realms, I am still seeing Key, the guy from the summer. Things with Karina are going well, I think I need to end things with Sandra since that is not growing and we don’t really have the right kind of chemistry. Also, 3 baes is a lot. I do not recommend it.

I took a small trip to NY to recycle my tickets for when I was supposed to go for Cory’s birthday. I went to the Woman’s Right March and had a blast. It was great to see my friends and it really just made me sad that I cannot see them more often (which is why I want to move closer).  I saw Abby and we had a great time, we worked things out and I am getting better at accepting she’s friends with Cory even though my heart burns of jealousy. I also saw Cory at the march and it’s clear than whatever was there is not over. I am not sure if I am still in love with her but I am sure I don’t want to be with her. Maybe in a thousand years when she’s not longer a coward I’d consider it. For now, I keep my feelings to myself and focus on the people that want me in their life.

Representing the Resistance. Queer Resistance, Trans Resistance, Female Resistance.

2017 is going by so fast and with all the changes and all the political scares it’s going to be a busy year. I have chosen the causes I am going to focus on and narrowed it down to three: trans rights, reproductive rights and mental health stigma. Being part of every possible minority puts me in the midst of all intersectionality with very little privilege, however I am a cis gender woman and there’s so much privilege that comes with that. So I have decided to be a Trans Ally and I am learning to navigate that space. It’s hard when you have always been an insider to try and support a community in which you don’t belong. I have never experienced being an ally, I am enjoying the process and learning on the way.

This letter has been a crazy pointless rant but I do hope you enjoyed it. I will try to write again soon with a better program.

Please tell me everything about Lily and Magpie and your queer community in Portland so I can live the perfect lesbian life vicariously.

I love you like crazy

Nora.

PS: I no longer do a New Year Resolution. I make a list of things to consistently work on and here it is for 2017. 

 

Welcome be the Winter

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Dear Ruth:

It took you a month to reply to me and I am responding in  a week  because I was waiting anxiously for your letter. Thank you for writing to me and please don’t torture me like this.

First of all, I totally fell for the joke. I had started texting my guerrilla friends in the Colombian Jungle and they were getting a militia together to rescue you from moving in with anyone. I had to cancel the entire operation but I am so relieved it was not true. It makes me so happy you and Lily are growing together. You are going to meet the parents so things are getting pretty serious.

How do you feel about meeting the parents and how official that makes it?

CAT!!!!!!!!!

I want Magpie in my arms right now! She’s so beautiful and huggable. It is amazing you found a new place and a new companion in so little time. It feels like a final step from moving on from Elise and that relationship. I love that you are doing all the things for you WHILE being in a relationship. Those two things should not be mutually exclusive but they often are.

I envy what you are experiencing right now with setting roots unto a place. Kind of settling in Portland and creating a community independent of your partner or family. I want to do that too. I want to move to Philadelphia and go to medical school, make the place my home and extend my roots. Unfortunately, I am still sitting in the silence and have only heard more Nos. I am suffering hard by what seems to be the death of my dreams. However, I am making Plan Bs that would land me in Philadelphia. I really want to be closer to my people.

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Last week was the Winter Solstice. It is the darkest day of the year. The longest night. I had a small ritual as I pondered on the similarities between what nature is experiencing vs what is happening with my life. I have been in such dark places this year. So many break ups, so much abandonment, loneliness, tears, depression. But the night has to come to an end and from now end the days will start lengthening giving way into the summer. That is me. I already feel the waves of  improvement in a lot of areas, things are going to get better and who knows, maybe I even get into medical school.

When it comes to our country’s situation, we are going to have to agree to disagree. I think it’s time to riot, set shit on fire, BURN THE PATRIARCHY, make noise. We will be heard. We have to organize and move. History has proved that, unfortunately, revolutions require violence. The Black community has had to FIGHT for every single thing they ever got. So in my opinion, this is not the time to stay silent and send  thoughts and prayers. It is the time for action, and if that action requires rioting, let’s motherfucking riot.

Coming from Indiana, your experience is completely different than mine. You care about the Midwest and you experienced first hand how differently they live. It is impossible for me to empathize with entire states of people who decided a rapist racist should be the leader. Who have entrusted our country to this monster and now entire communities have to live in fear. If someone does not have fear under this presidency, they have privilege. It’s as simple as that.

To answer your gazillion questions, I am feeling better. New meds kicking in well and they help me stay motivated. I have been knitting like crazy and actually went to a fair to sell my hats. Even my etsy store is populated with whatever I did not sell. I have been productive and doing some great self care. Dog sitting is going well, the holidays help a lot and I have had several little fuckers come stay with me. I am still seeing Key and I have met two lovely ladies from okc, karina and Sandra (not their real names).

Karina is a native Angelina who works with plants. Sandra is from San Francisco, she’s Colombian and Venezuelan and works with youth. I am taking it slow with both of them but I am happy where we are, getting to know each other, enjoying each other’s company. And the company of this bird who crashed one of my dates.

 

 

Cory and I went from Limbo to Hell. And the whole thing burned in flames. I was planning a trip to see her on her birthday, she was supposed to help me pay for it (just because I wanted to feel like she was involved). A week prior to her birthday, according to Cory (several people have pointed out she could be lying) her mother showed up in her school and told her that if she saw me she would be cut off from her family. Cory had to make a decision and she chose her family. I don’t think she understands parents make those threats to manipulate their kids until they no longer can. But Cory was not open to negotiation or risking making her mother upset. I really think it’s about money and not wanting to be cut off financially. But that’s just my opinion. She said she could not justify me even to herself and refused to talk on the phone. Her mother hates me because she thinks I turned her gay and I am brown. YES. SHE HATES ME FOR THE COLOR OF MY SKIN. How ridiculous is that.

I wish I could say I am over the whole thing but I love this person so much more than I should. It hurts that she wouldn’t fight for me, it hurts that her being financially comfortable is more important than having me in her life, it hurts that she would not defend me against a racist, especially since she’s related to the racist, it hurts that she can just let it go. Just like that. Bye Nora.

It hurts everyday. I really thought she was it.

I am allowing myself to heal. I know I have to let go of her, and I am trying, but is hard. I secretly hope for a miracle. I have this crazy fantasy in which I get home from work and she’s in my front porch with flowers telling me she worked it out with her family and is ready to make a commitment. Imagine that. Yeah, that’s not happening.

But that is where my heart has been, reaching for the impossible, resisting acceptance, insisting that our love was real and that it will survive. I should know better than to feel this way, but I don’t. I was operating under the assumption that she was in my life long term. I want to at least be her friend, especially since we have my best friend Abby in common and she hates being in the middle of it all. I do not want to lose Abby over this. I already lost one significant person.

That is the biggest source of anxiety for me right now. And my school plans, that’s a big stressor too.

I spent Christmas surrounded by dogs, watching Christmas movies and eating Pizza. We ordered deep dish all the way from Chicago and I cannot wait. Still debating what New Year’s is going to look like.

I hope you find time to write while traveling and that I don’t have to wait another month.

Love,

Nora

PS: Got this on the mail. Made my night, I love presents in the mail.

Welcome to Dumbfuckistan

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Dear Ruth:

Your last letter was so beautiful and poetic and on point. “Love withheld is love wasted” GODDAMN girl, who is you? Maya Angelou? Reminded me of how we met and why I started this with you.

screenshot_2016-11-17-20-05-36Thank you so much for being understanding and empathetic. I was having a really hard time these past two months and you have been there for me. I should start by explaining that it turned out I was physically sick. I had to seek treatment and this sickness was affecting my mental health. I thought my meds were not working anymore and went to the psychiatrist and was sent to a doctor to deal with the physical stuff. Once physical disease was over I was able to seek treatment for my depression relapse.

It seems like what I have been experiencing the last two months was burnout. Any chronic condition has a certain degree of maintenance that you must live with and it gets truly exhausting. Having to pep talk myself out of bed every morning, having to make lists of things to accomplish every day so I don’t just sit on the couch and mope, having to check my mood and wonder if its real or chemical. I was done. I did not want to do any more emotional work. I was very moved when you said that healing was rest. I have always looked as healing as work. Allowing it to happen is just as effective as making it happen. I am more of a proactive person, I like to make things happen but sometimes, you cannot. Sometimes you need to let it happen instead. And that is where I am at. 

Psych gave me a new med and it’s kicking it. I have started gardening again and will be making one in the front of the house. Fairy garden was neglected and flowers died (may have been the cold too). I am trying to start a dog-sitting business (link here) because I am a broke bitch. I tried taking an online drawing class but dropped out in the middle of depression. I think I want to try again. Motivation is returning and I am starting to feel like myself again.

It feels so good. I’ve missed myself.

2016 is a motherfucking joke and Trump is elected president.

WTF America. WTF.

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I cannot believe dumbfuckistan and the millions of people who literally do not care about my existence. As an immigrant, a woman, a gay person, a brown person, a mental health advocate, I am scared. I am not a citizen yet but my green card puts me in a safe place. I see people who are less threatened by him be more affected than me with this situation but honestly I have been here before. I lived in America undocumented for ten years. I learned to not live in fear, to trust my surroundings, to hide in the urban bubble and mix in like one more American (which I am). And this worked for me. My status was never questioned because I am educated, I speak the language (albeit with an accent), I know things. I lived in the shadows and kept a low profile and stayed out of trouble and this was my safety tent.

I do not want to return to that tent. I want to be more open I want to advocate and do activism. I wanna fight for Black Lives, women’s rights, reproductive rights, gay rights, accessible healthcare, removal of mental health stigma. The Trump administration is going to be the beginning of my revolution. I just hope I can do it from Medical School.

(Side note: no news yet, two rejections so far and das all)

In terms of personal things: I am still seeing Key and Cory is back in my life. I did see her in NYC, I was WASTED. I was one drink away from alcohol poisoning. I barely remember the night but I manipulated her into coming to Queens to prove her love for me and proceeded to send her home and treat her bad. Ended up leaving with my friends at 4am (she stayed the whole time begging me to go home with her and crying) and that was the end of that. It was BBBAAADDDD drama shit that I can do without. She seemed to not have realized how serious I was until I actually left her stranded in Queens.

I enjoyed my trip and spent lots of time with my BFF Abby and my Colombian friends who talk to me on the regular. I regret nothing.

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Union Square twins

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I am an elf among my Hobbit friends

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BFF and I, True Love.

Two weeks after the trip Cory sent me an email realizing the size of her dumbassery and the multiple ways in which she fucked up. It took me a whole week to reply to her but I explained about depression and sickness and how it had affected my mood and she was not supportive or even sensible to it. She has been very apologetic and checking on me constantly now. I just don’t trust it because you know, trust is an issue. I would be willing to try again if and only if she’s willing to help me heal from the last disaster (Trace). As of right now, we’re in limbo.

You said on your last letter that I was giving trace too much power by letting them change me for the worst. BITCH PLEASE. If I had a choice none of that drama would have touched me. But that’s not how it works. And I quote Stephenie Meyer on this one “One thing I truly knew – knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest – was how love gave someone the power to break you”

When you allow yourself to love someone, you put yourself in a vulnerable position. I did and Trace did a number on me. I am healing, slowly but surely. After Trump’s election they reached out “worried” about me.  We have had a few short interactions. Their guilt repulses me tbh. They hurt me, worked themselves back into my life so they could hurt me again. I stayed truth to myself, I loved to the best of my abilities, I worked on it. I did everything I could have possibly done. I am passed the point of disbelief or disappointment and I am able to appreciate the lesson. I am the best partner anyone could ever have, I am goddamn fairy, I should price myself higher.

How are you doing with results of the election? How are things with Lily?

It seems like she’s the hopeless romantic type, perfect for you. I am so happy you have someone and regardless my low key judging I perfectly understand what you mean by “Life is too damn short” Why would you pass on an opportunity for love? Why skip friendship and pleasure and cuddles and cats? It would have been a dumb move.

I was worried about you getting lost in the sauce and moving in with her next month. But I decided to trust your common sense on this one and that if you threatened to move in with her any time in the next year I will personally show up in Portland with an army and prevent it. TAKE YOUR TIME.

I think you spent the most time being single since your break up with K and had great experiences dating multiple people and yourself. At the end of the day you are a monogamous woman (boring…) and want to settle in with one partner. Sounds like Lily is a good partner to you and I hope she continues to be. I am interested on how things are different after Elise and how YOU are different.

Thank you for being a good friend and loving yourself first.

Happy Belated Birthday!!! I need pictures. 

Love,

Nora

PS: I am on OKC and talking to a few ladies, hopefully going on a date soon. I need pussy in my life.

Tu comenzando y yo terminando…

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Dear Ruth,

I know this letter is very close to the last one and I know the last one was all gloom doom. I apologize for all the gloom and doom but that is my life: all madness and melancholia.

I am writing this because I wanted to update you on a situation I am having. I am going to New York tomorrow and I don’t want my post-NY letter to be about Cory at all.

The gist of it all is: I am not seeing her. I am going to NYC on the weekend that she’s free and I planned around her schedule in order to spend as much time as possible together.

And then I lost my shit.

I have been fragile emotionally lately, which pulls me towards withdrawing and staying in my safe zone. Cory is extremely busy with school and has no time whatsoever to communicate regularly with me (or anyone for that matter). I want her to be emotionally available at the very least on a friendship level, so I feel somehow connected to her even though the distance is imminent. She’s not okay with that. She thinks her making me a priority means that we would be on a long distance relationship (which she does not want). is that what it is? Because if that is the case, I am on like 3 LDRs right now with friends (you included) I don’t see regularly but who are available to me and I to them to the best of our abilities and circumstances.

I have been wanting to fall out of love with her for as long as I have been in love with her. Especially because of the distance and the impossible nature of our bond. I have never been able to. I have never been in a place in which I felt strong and capable enough to say aloud to myself that I can move on from her. Until the other day, when something just snapped. Maybe my heart is so beyond tired of loving emotionally unavailable people; maybe I am done being open and caring and I am ready to be a bitch; .

maybe the pain of loving her and not having her became so intense that it actually broke me.

I don’t recognize myself right now. I have prayed so hard for these feelings to go away but I have never had the actual willpower to push her away or move away from her. I had kind of accepted that she was going to be part of my heart and my life permanently and regardless. Until now. I told her I did not want to see her during trip and I think we have cut contact.

I feel both devastated and proud of myself. I feel empowered by my decision, no longer drifting in an ocean of emotions. I finally let this ship wreck and all the feelings will eventually drown on their own.

There will be pain, tears, regret, but that is all 2016 has been so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I am heading to New York City tomorrow. Hoping to make what little time I have  with my friends and family count.

I’ll send you a postcard.

Thank you for being a friend and for being emotionally available.

Love,
Nora

Oh no, you didn’t.

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Dear Ruth:

WTF. WTF. WTF.

Two letters ago you had just fallen out of love with Elise and now you are ready for  a relationship? Six weeks yo, six weeks to your birthday! You almost almost made it. It was so close ugh. Why?

Actually, don’t answer that. I know why.

I want to be happy for you Ruth, but I am afraid. I must admit this does feel different in many levels: you took your time getting to know her, you are not compromising your needs, she’s willing to wait for you, etc.  You have what polyamorous people label as NRE: new relationship excitement. When you start with someone and you are full of sparks and roses. I know all about it. I am curious to see how this develops and how it’s going to change you.

I am excited for your excitement and I think I found this Lily on the Instagram. I look forward to following this new romantic adventure of yours.

On my end, I am struggling. I am struggling with a lot of things.

I was struggling at work and I advocated for myself, which helped in different ways especially in keeping me busier. Which in turn, keeps me away from my email and less stressed about school stuff. On that end, Mars has spoken and his words were not kind. I have gotten two rejections and no interviews as of today. I must say that is rather early in the cycle (most schools interview into March) but I submitted my app sooooo early. I am struggling to remain patient, but at least the days are going faster now.

This takes me to the next struggle: Plan B. I need to figure out what happens if I don’t get into Medical School and where I will be in a year. I have like 20 ideas but I also have no idea. I wanna be near Cory but I also don’t want to make life decisions based on feelings. This in turn, leads me to my emotional struggles: I’m unhappy with my romantic situation. Key and Princess are wonderful people and we’ve been having great times. We actually went camping this weekend.

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I am unhappy because, first  Princess is not really gay. She identifies as heteroflexible and I am not all that sure how flexible, flexible is flexible. I miss being wanted by a woman and a woman’s touch. We talked and we are going to be friends and continue to date Key, Second and most annoyingly: BABIES. My body decides that once a month I’m at risk of getting pregnant. It’s so stressful to have to worry about contraception  Honestly, the idea of accidental pregnancy bothers me a lot. There’s suddenly a human growing inside of me without my consent? Ugh.

This feels way too familiar. I become discontent with people so quickly. My ex used to say I have chronic dissatisfaction. I probably do.

ON TOP of struggling with my California romances, I am struggling with the Cory situation. I am afraid I am getting lost in the sauce and is clouding my judgement. I want to be with her, I wanna be present, I want to be close. But at the same time, I don’t wanna make big decisions based on another person. I already moved across the country for someone once. I wanna go where the next step on my career is, not wherever my significant other lives. .

It’s hard to live missing people and that is how the last 13 years of my life have been. Never fully at home, always longing, always carrying a burden of nostalgia.

I am unhappy with Cory because she’s going to be in NYC for the next 4-5 years if not more. She’s living the dream and if I move there she’ll have everything she’s ever wanted. Me, in other hand, I am not sure if I can live with the uncertainty of whether she would ever do something that big for me. I have to realize that, sadly, I don’t trust her.

screenshot_2016-10-09-01-41-40Which leads me to the last of the struggles for today: Dating PTSD. Ever since Trace, I cannot trust anyone. I don’t believe anyone who says they love me or that they care about me. I don’t know if Cory seriously thinks of me as partner material (this has a history though). I don’t know how I am going to be able to tell someone lying anymore, I thought I was good at that. Until this person dragged me along for a year pretending to care and I swallowed it whole. It makes me distrust people, it makes me wanna never be intimate with someone. I feel like I naked my soul to a person and they took a picture of it and posted it on facebook. They totally missed the point and violated my heart in the process. I have worked so hard in the healing process but it has been five months and I am exhausted. I don’t wanna do emotional work anymore, I just want to chill and knit all the things.

My best friend Abby was the first to point out how affected I still am by that last break up, how scarred. And I see it and it hurts. I made a mistake, I did not protect my heart, I gave myself away, I wasted a year of my life, I understand it, I accept it, I forgive myself for it.

WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO DO TO FEEL LIKE MYSELF AGAIN?

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I read this poem by Wanheed and it touched me. The opposite happened to me with Trace: I am darker, more jaded, less human. I was not loved. I was used. 

Not all is gloom and doom though. I am actually visiting NYC in a couple of weeks. Gonna see my friends, cousins and Cory of course. I am very excited and counting the days back.

I hope this letter was not too decrepit for you. I did not want to ruin your happiness with my sorrows but this is my reality.

Please have all the love and magic with Lily, you deserve it. Make sure you have enough for the both of us.

Love,
Nora

PS. Seriously though WTF?

I probably love me too much

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Dear Ruth:

I die of waiting when I don’t hear from you. 

Our weekend together was so magical. Your Merengue moves are on point. I loved welcoming you into my life and my home. Toby definitely enjoyed having an extra petter.  I am happy to report your gardening skills are wonderful and all the plants are indeed still alive (and growing!!). The moss seeds I sprinkled everywhere are starting to grow too.  Here’ some proof:

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Now when I tend to my garden, I remember our morning there among laughter and dirt. 

I am also still in awe that I met you. That you are in fact a real human, a sexy beautiful tender human. You are so much softer than I thought possible. The cuddles, the tears, the quiet fun. I see why you get the feels so fast and why some people may not appreciate the kindness of your soul. 

Well, I DO! And in an ideal world in which I don’t need to be a doctor and you are not monogamous, I would fly out to Portland, fall in love with you and marry you. But this is the real world, and I need to go back east to my real life and resume my education. 

lost-in-the-sauceWhen it comes to your love life, I am glad you have reached a comfortable place with Sam and I pray to all the gods that you don’t get lost in the sauce. A little bit of sauce makes Pizza, too much sauce makes a mess. Just keep your feelings at a pizza level and have fun with yourself as yourself. After meeting you I can see why you get lost in the sauce so quickly though. You are very easy to love. You are so soft you are almost fluid, shaping yourself around others. This is both the best and the worst of you, I don’t know how you do it. 

I, being the jaded bitch I am on the regular, find myself friendless and loving it. The day that you left I had a conflict with Pixie over her violating my boundaries. She dd not take it well. She blamed me for her self-harm, her suicidal ideation, her misery, basically her entire cocktail of mental illness is my fault. She decided to stop being my friend after that day because I have no compassion and I kick people when they are down. None of the above is true but those were the reasons she gave me.

 The reasons I find true is that I gave her an ultimatum that if things did not change for her by December I could not be her friend. Apparently that’s a bitch move. In my book, this is a self protective move. She took a lot of my time and energy and refuses to put any work into her recovery. I am a high functioning mentally ill person who will drag her ass out of bed to go to work, who has survived 13 years without a family in a foreign country, who has been left by people over and over and have had to pick myself up. I have limited chances to give. 

Pixie needs a lot more help than she’s getting. We had to put her in the psych ward in May and that was not enough of a wake up call for her to seek recovery. That’s her problem, not mine. MY problem is that I cannot be a bystander. I refuse to have people around me that are drowning and just let them drown, OMG no I have to do something. And when I throw them a rope and they pull me in (instead of pulling themselves out), I have no choice but to let go of the rope, and save myself. 

She accepted none of the responsibility for the conflict that triggered the break up and by the time she said she was out, I had been out. She then proceeded to text EVERYONE we know in common and inform them what a bitch I am. Uhhhh my friends bitch MINE!!! GTFOH!! 

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Jayne, also happened to dump me because she was too jealous. Remember her tantrum at the beach? Finally accepted she’s not over me. She and Pixie probs have a “hate Nora” club, and will most likely start a  “no personal responsibility whatsoever” society soon. I was ready for this break up too, because I could not stand the way she completely abandoned Erin (who basically saved her from homelessness) when Erin’s grandfather was diagnosed with cancer. Jayne is completely unable to stay in a situation that makes her in any way uncomfortable Her comfort is her sole motivation, she leaves at the first sign of struggle, and just like Pixie takes and takes from people. 

On that note, I have been in a really weird mood. Key and Princess have been the bestests at giving me space and respecting my weirdness. I met this girl from meet-up and thought we could be friends but no. I have only met her once and she was asking me to host a meet up for her, I said no to that and she trippin’. BYYYEEEEE

This weekend I realized I dont want to make friends. I dont want to hang out with people. I have so much more fun with myself and by myself. I missed July when everything was about me, when I was focused on my needs and recovering from Trace. I miss ME time and puzzles. I think after having so many relationships that were draining me of my soul, I am finally replenishing my spiritual vitamins. 

I am mostly happy. I have been sleeping a lot and cooking a lot. Taking it easy and being free of anyone else’s needs. I miss Cory a lot. This is my only source of sadness. I would not even mind waiting a year to start medical school if it did not mean waiting a year to be near her. 

On the medical school front, I am sitting on dead silence. I mean, the bottom of the abyss in a canyon in Mars  silence: NOTHING. No news is good news. I have not gotten any interviews but also no rejections, which means I am still being considered. THANK GAIA. I am also gaining more trust at work which makes me extremely happy. 

I must now go and finish making my new shaving cream. I’ve been having lots of problems from shaving (ingrown hair, bumps, itch) and I think it’s time to switch to nature’s way. 

Please stay focused on yourself, and keep writing me letters so I don’t die.

Love, 

Nora

PS: This came right on time. Everyone should think like you 🙂 I LOVE IT. It was a very well timed, very relevant surprised. You get me. 

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Poly dates and other tales

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Dear Ruth:

I am very proud of you for investing so much of yourself towards dating. It can be exhausting and disappointing to be honest, but it seems like you are having all the fun. I think different people have different views about what “the point” of dating is. Some think it is the means to an end, the way to find a partner to eventually settle with. Some people do it for the company, or the sex, or the attention (me, me, all of the above). Some people do it out of habit. And honestly, it does not matter. If dating is doing for you what you want it to be doing, if it’s fulfilling its purpose: enjoy it!

I am always jealous of all the camping and nature pictures that you post. I wish I could travel more often and/or camp. I just wanna be among nature, it is so calming.

Sunday dinner with my roommate

Sunday dinner with my roommate

In the romantic department I have updates: celibacy over 🙂  I decided to try this new website for open relationships and met a girl who I’ll call Princess. She is really cute BUT she’s not very experienced with women, which makes me sad because I don’t like being with lesbian virgins. The sex sucks and they still have to go through their whole coming out process. Ugh I already had mine, can I please get a break?

That same week, I went on a hiking date with a guy named Key, and it turns out Key and Princess had met the day before. Basically, we all met each other the same week on separate dates. So we planned to have a three people date and went to have Korean BBQ (which by the was was epic). I’ve seen them a few times only, but I really like the dynamic. And the sex, the sex is great. The two of them spend more time with each other than they do with me, and although this bothered me for a split second, it also makes me extremely happy because it lowers the expectations of HAVING to see someone every so often. I need something low key and casual. I want outings, adventures, attention, sex. But I also need to keep my head in the game of getting into medical school and making friends.

Going out with the dog NOT being social

Going out with the dog NOT being social

As of today, I have not attended any meet-ups like I said I was going to. I have been dealing with lots of other people’s drama and some work stuff. Now that the drama has winded down, I need to start prioritizing my process AGAIN. This is the cycle I find myself in. I am focused and centered: knitting, reading, doing my rituals, working out. Then something happens, drama, stress, sex, anything and I get distracted. I take my eyes off the process and engage with people, neglecting myself until I start to feel miserable and realize it’s because I have not had ME time. Balance It’s hard. Balance does not come naturally to me.

 

My current main stressor is the medical school application process. I have submitted 11 secondary applications as of today, I am waiting for some schools to send theirs as I am debating if I want to add more primary applications NOW or LATER. I don’t know if I am being inpatient or if I am being unwise. Usually applying early is better, but I have applied to schools that I REALLY REALLY want to go too. Any schools left on my list are places I am able/willing to attend, but not particularly excited about. Most of it has to do with LOCATION. I wanna be near NYC. I dont want to be in the city but  within drive-able distance, anywhere I can go visit the city for a random weekend and return home on a Monday for classes would be ideal.

What I need to do right now is chill. I need to relax and go on walks and runs and if by the end of September I have not had any interview invitations, then add more schools to my repertoire. The problem is that I suck at patience. I SUCK AT BEING PATIENT. OMG I cannot even wait for the microwave to beep. It’s fucking horrible. And there’s a few factors, besides my personal flaws, that make it hard to wait.

  1. I am ready to leave california. I stayed here for reasons that I could not control. I basically got stuck here and as grateful as I am for the opportunity to experience the Pacific South, I just have not found a single thing or a single person that anchors me enough. I want to go.
  2. I miss Cory. I want to see her and an interview for a school in the east coast means I get to see her. An acceptance in a school in the east coast means I get to date her. She has told me not to worry about her and to apply everywhere and focus on increasing my chances for admission. But, I want to be with her. I need to be with her. It’s not up to me though, again it’s up to medical school admission committees.
  3. I am old. I am reapplying, I tried this once and failed. I corrected a few mistakes I made last time I applied (applying early, more letters of recommendation, added research to my CV, etc) but the fact that I have been waiting to get into medical school since 2014 means my total wait will be 3 years. And 3 years is a lot.
  4. My friends are in medical school. I really wish I could be experiencing this with them, but for circumstances out of my reach I had to wait until this year to reapply. I am jealous about it, I am sad. I wanna start my education.

As you can probs tell, I have been stressing over this. I stare at my phone hoping for an email. And  I need to chill.

On a positive note, I am so extremely happy and grateful for my friends during this period though. they have managed to remove the biggest stressor of this all: money. The application is so competitive and expensive, that I did not have the resources to do it and thanks to crowd funding I am actually able to afford it. I can see people believe in me, so much that they would give me their money. Every time someone donates I want to cry of happiness. Just think about someone who has not had parental support of anyone give her anything through all of adulthood. Support feels great.

Luckily, you are going to be here this weekend and we are going to get to do all the things. I am hoping we can go to the beach, and hiking, and to West Hollywood to see the gayz in their natural habitat. I am also dog-sitting this weekend so I will have a canine visitor as well as a human visitor (you).

Thank you for writing to me and please dont let so much time pass. I need yo know about all these Portland lesbians I am missing out on.

Cannot wait to see your face (fuck patience)

Love,

Nora

 

A decent letter

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Dear Ruth,

Thank you for waiting patiently until I am able to answer you properly. I am sorry that my last letter was such a downer. I thought about taking it down but then realized the down moments are just as real as everything else, so I kept it.

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Every day in July that I did not have sex. Success!

Detox July worked very well for me. I feel like I am more in touch with myself and my body. Especially after getting bronchitis towards the end, it felt almost…cleansing. I am still debating if I am going to continue to be celibate or if I am ready to put myself “out there”.

I did a lot of thinking about it during the bronchitis week as I crafted these pretty boxes. They are wrapped in pieces from the maps and brochures I collected during the trip.

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I was talking to my therapist about why I keep answering Trace’s messages if I am pretty clear they don’t belong in my life. We came to the conclusion that it is because I am bored and lonely. So I wanna try to be less bored and less lonely so I can stay away from unhealthy people and toxic dynamics. I 100% believe we were together out of loneliness, especially since I met them at such a vulnerable moment: I had just broken up with my ex (we were still living together), I did not have a single friend in LA, etc. They are also a loner and could use the attention. This is the kind of bond that I do NOT want. Ever again.

That being said, I am going to start going to meet-ups, which I have tried before to no avail. And just being more social, which I suck at because people are evil. But I figured I have a year left in LA and I want to make the best of it. I don’t want any more heartbreak or intense feelings or crazy bitches. I just wanna go outside, share time with others and get some attention. Sounds so simple, but it’s so complex.

I am planning on getting involved in all the queer and polyamorous meet-ups and groups that I can find. I wanna be surrounded by my peoples!

I oscillate, with pendulum like precision, between “I’m never dating again because humans suck” and “I want attention, please date me”.

Since I cannot make my mind up, I am allowing the dichotomy to exist until the scales tip one way or the other. It’s weird to be in love with someone in the back of your mind, like I am with Cory. She’s so present and so absent at the same time. She’s real in my heart but fully removed from my reality. I don’t know if we’ll ever be together and it’s not up to me, more up to my medical school location.

I am happy to hear about your restoration. It’s huge that you are able to be friends with Kay and stay away from Elise until you heal. I cannot believe Elise found you in a bar and you guys had a moment. HOW GAY! It sucks that you are still in love with her and it bothers you to see her with someone else. And for the record, you are not being mean and cold. You are being a responsible human, doing self preservation and prioritizing yourself. That my friend is maturity.

I cannot believe Elise: she has a new gf, makes sure you know that she’s SO over you, expects you to be her friend and be “happy for her”. Bitch, please. BYE.

You owe her nothing. You do not owe her love or friendship or even a text back. You take care of yourself (she’s doing that, isn’t she?) and live happily ever after among cats.

I am incredibly proud of you for joining the world of online dating and I desperately need updates. I am curious to see how the relationship between sex and feelings changes in your head. Getting outside of your comfort zone is always a good step towards change. If you want things to be different you need to ACT differently. I have to go out and be social (ugh) in order to be less lonely and bored, and hence less vulnerable to unhealthy patterns. You get to go on dates and have some NSA fun in order to stay out of relationships, which is your pattern.

That my friend is putting in the work. Doing things that do not come naturally to us. We deserve an award.

I am curious about your body issues and where they originate from. I feel like the queer community can be very accepting of all kinds of looks, but there’s also a jugful eye out for the “not gay enough. Like us. The theme of my body issues is “not enough”, not masculine enough to read as gay, but not feminine enough for Colombian standards, not thin enough to be stick size, not thick enough to be plus size.

What kind of body issues do you struggle with?

To answer your question about August, my monthly challenge is to take my vitamins. I have been terribly undisciplined with them. I am also hoping to get laid but I don’t want to go out of my way for it. I am hoping there are cute people at the polyamorous meet-ups, would not mind dating a couple.

I am planning our weekend together in LA and I cannot wait for you to get here.

Hurry Up

Love,

Nora

PS. Got this done. 

earring

 

Alone-ness

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TRIGGER WARNING: It’s depressing. If you are having a bad day, do not read it.

Dear Ruth:

I try to not be a complete self absorbed asshole and respond to your last letter as I update on my life but today I cannot. This letter is going to be a word vomit of my pain and my loneliness and all the negative feelings that have been roaming my heart.

First, I should tell you that I am PMSing. Hence, depression comes by to say hi, every month on schedule. Sometimes I nod to it and smile, acknowledging its existence but not giving in. This time I have little energy left after the hell of a week I have had, and it has me.

Wednesday morning I woke up with a cough. It seemed like an average cold except my body was in pain, I attributed muscle ache to the PMS and went to work for the next two days. Thursday night I drugged myself on cough medicine and went to bed. I woke up in a puddle of boogers, drool and my sweat. I showered and got dressed for work before realizing that I was not functional. Friday morning at 7am, before it even opened I was at the door of the Urgent Care Clinic. Dr. said it was bronchitis and I got pain meds and antibiotics. Jayne and Pixie came over to hang and brought me plenty of fluids.

I spent all Friday and most of Saturday on the couch. Having difficulty breathing until I realized it was not getting better. Second trip to Urgent Care Saturday night. I ended up getting a shit load more drugs to deal with the shortness of breath and had to buy a nebulizer the next morning, so I can give myself the treatments and not run to the clinic every time I am suffocating.

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At Urgent Care, Saturday night.

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At home with the nebulizer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Besides the constant feeling an asphyxia, the random pains, spasms, fever, a nose that has been running marathons the last few days and other even grosser symptoms, I have to deal with regression. I have had asthma since childhood. I spent says, sometimes weeks in the hospital. It changed my upbringing and made me into the melancholic over thinker I am. You become this way when you near death pretty often.

Pixie and Toby at the pharmacy waiting with me

Pixie and Toby at the pharmacy 

My entire immediate family were having a trip this weekend to Cartagena, Colombia, a few hours away from Barranquilla where they live to see some cousins that went to visit from the US. My friends in New York City were having Dinner somewhere in Bay Ridge. Cory was moving into her new dorm. I felt so alone. And for good parts of the weekend I was not alone at all. I saw my rooomate, my ex, Jayne and my friend Pixie who took me to UC visit 2 and drove me around to get the medicine and the nebulizer.

But I felt so alone. I felt the weight of the life I chose for myself away from my family into a vast land of loving strangers where I will always be foreign. The homelessness that I try so hard to evade, instead invaded me. I could not think of an emergency contact. I did not know who to tell at first that I was sick. The only person who I told how miserable I was was my BFF who lives in NYC.

I was stuck in regression. I remembered bitterly the times I ran to the ER with Trace and how I dont have someone to do that with me. I remember the times in New York where I would go weeks sick. Undocumented and uninsured, I was always afraid of the seeking medical attention. My roommate worked at a pharmacy and would get me antibiotics under the table. I would get inhalers as gifts from random kind people who understood. Dragged myself to the ER more than once though, always alone.

Regress even more into childhood. My family made miserable by my health problems. My insurance card got lost EVERY single time. My father would yell and become violent. I cannot stand him to this day. My mother taking care of me, my sisters, my brother, her job, finances and her abusive unfaithful good for nothing backward glance of a husband. Asthma the only inheritance I received from him. I left them I escaped. I moved away from this dysfunctional shitty environment and chose the American Dream.

Here I am, so many years later still as alone and just as broken. Hustling, fighting struggling. On my own for a while now (eleven years of independence to be exact), my resilience is exhausted. I want my reward for all those years of hard work. I want to not have to worry about money when I am sick (I have insurance though, which is a HUGE progress from where I started). I want partners who meet me all the way and commit. WHY DO MOTHERFUCKERS NOT COMMIT!?!?!?!?!?

I just wanna stay with someone and share life. I am tired of break ups, falling in love with the wrong people, dysfunction, disappointment, abandonment. I am tired of being the orphan, the homeless wanderer, the ship without a port. I want to look at a form, see the words Emergency Contact and not cringe. I want to have someone near, who I know will be there.

This may never change. Someone may or may not come. I may one day or perhaps never have a family. And I live every day in patience, love, and gratitude. Ignoring the uncertainty and rising above the loneliness. But not today. Today I feel how alone I am in every cell of my body and every crevice of my soul.

I am going back to work tomorrow. I hope is up from here and that I menstruate soon enough to stop lamenting. I am sorry if this letter is not what you are used. I have to live with this gigantic monster called depression that sometimes chews its way of the cage.

Thank you for reading this and I hope it was not too self piteous.

I promise you a decent piece of epistolary literature next time, when it stops raining inside my head.

Love

Nora

My only emergency contact

My only emergency contact

Learn to live with it

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Dear Ruth:

I have previously taken the personality test and my assessment was always INFJ “Advocate”, this time around I got INTJ “Architect”, so maybe I am evolving, like the pokemons people keep trying to catch on the streets.

I am happy you got to see your family and spend time with them. I have not seen mine in a few years and It’s pretty sad. How we miss someone else’s life. This is one of the reasons I am trying to move back east. I am tired of missing. Missing people, missing events, missing occasions. I am in so many long distance relationships. It is not worth it. Life is meant to be lived surrounded by loved ones. But I still got one more year in California, until next fall when I begin medical school

This week was a turmoil for me. First, I walked into this quote on facebook:

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Not everything has an explanation

Not everything has an answer

Not everything makes sense

Not everything is fair

Not everything is logic

Learn to live with it.

And I went into crisis. Like crying without pants, don’t walk the dog, hopeless, sobbing crisis.

I have been trying so hard to make sense of my time in California, to find meaning in a time in my life that seems to have set me back instead of forward, a downgrade rather than an upgrade. I have gone over my decision making process over and over, looking for the fault and I could not find it: moving to California was a good choice at the time. I did not know shit was gonna hit the fan, then it was gonna start oscillating and it was going to end up in short circuit with burned shit all over my life. I took a step, and it did not work out. It does not mean anything.

According to my therapist, we can assign meaning to things. It sounds rather arbitrary but is the approach I am taking. I have forgiven myself for coming here and the mistakes that followed and I am grateful for all the good things I have had in California that I could not have anywhere else.

When it comes to me dating Trace, Cory says “Sometimes you date trash and there’s nothing you can do about itt”. I don’t consider Trace to be trash but our situationship was pretty much garbage. I saw my dog today excited about me putting food in the trash because he gets to eat it. He thinks the garbage is a box of goodies. That is literally how it was with me and Trace: me being happy for the little pieces of shit they threw my way. They finally decided to drop off my things and I said thank you and we had a positive interaction. They still want friendship (or so they say, I don’t believe them. I think they are trying to give me a consolation prize which I don’t need. I fucking lost) and I still said no and they seem to understand my reasons.

I am working on forgiving myself for staying in that pitiful situation for so long in the hopes that one day my gestures would be reciprocated. What a stupid bitch.

Crisis averted successfully by therapist.

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The Only True Love

I also heard from Jayne this week and she’s still hurt by my cruel mean comments but willing to try again for a friendship. I am willing to try again too, in August. July has been a month of no sex, no dating, no drama, etc. A detox period. And I want to keep it as that. I am setting boundaries for myself on how I relate to people and what I am willing to put up with vs what is not negotiable. It is taking me a while to figure it out but I am embracing the process.

 

Dogs are forever too

Dogs are forever too

Just like you, it seems. I 100% encourage to get a cat because 30th birthday plus forever alone seems like the perfect combination Maybe I’ll teach you to knit and then you would officially be cat lady: the best title anyone can ever aspire for. Is there a way you can get your old cats back? I think you having cats and establishing that as your primary commitment would be great. I am 100% committed to Toby. Like if my landlord says get rid of dog or move, Toby and I would be sleeping in a big pile of cardboard boxes. Bitches go and bitches go. But cats, cats are forever.

I am reading Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed and girl have I cried. My favorite quote so far is “Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal.” I love her voice.

BUT BUT have you heard of Trigger Warning? This books has a lot of sex, and abuse and incest and I needed a trigger warning. In a bad day, this kind of in-your-face approach to abuse can send a survivor spiraling down. I have a history of sexual abuse and though there’s no way for you to have known that, always err on the side of caution and write Trigger Warning around materials like this

My favorite part of being alone is not shaving. WHO DA FUCK INVENTED SHAVING? My legs are going through a devolutionary period in which they return to their more primate ancestors. They are so prickly my friends don’t wanna sit next to me. This is how I feel about it:

fucks

 

On Colombian poison: I TOLD YOU SO. My ex-gf started dating while we still lived together. I had to see her get all ready and stay home crying because I did not even have friends to go hang with. I do not think anyone can move on that fast. She waited only a month to make it official, what she wants? a fucking cookie? I really don’t see the point in dating that soon after a relationship and dragging poor innocent lesbians into your personal mess. Elise does not sound like she knows what she’s doing and since her actions and her words don’t match I am all for you taking space from her.  

Just keep in mind that her actions are not a comment on your person. Who you are and what you two had is completely independent from her current behavior. This is what I personally call the “whoring-out” post break up. I have done it at times. The sense of freedom that you can mess around is wonderful. It’s treating cancer with an analgesic but that’s her process. Let her have it. In the words of Neil Gaiman “Do your own time”.

I am so happy you met and Cory and AJ. I miss them terribly. I wish I was still traveling and seeing nature instead of adulting. You are more than welcome to visit Labor’s day weekend or whenever it strikes your fancy. Toby loves visitors and I would love to meet you and confirm that you are in fact a real human.

I must now go and type a statement for a gofundme page I am working on in order to afford my medical school applications. I’ll share when I am done.

I would like some updates about your forever-alone plan and if you are considering casual hook ups as a possible hobby. I need someone to live vicariously through.

Thank you for being a good friend,

Love 

Nora