Dear Ruth,
If it rains there it won’t stop here. I realize that is a terrible way to start this letter but I promise it sounds beautiful in Spanish (Si por alla llueve, por aqui no escampa).
The oatmeal in your breakfast reminds me I bought a huge pack of oats and I have to make some cookies because they are a lot tastier than oatmeal. I am happy to hear than you are singing in the Lesbian Choir (you are growing as a gay), and that this past year brought so many positive changes.
It has been an eventful year for me as well, this time last year I was also going through a breakup, alas on the opposite side of the coin. My ex-girlfriend of 3 years went through my cell phone and found very inappropriate messages between me and a girl from school. I am not sure how long I cheated on her for, I don’t even know what counts as cheating at this point since the girl in question was on the opposite coast. I had a sexual encounter with this person once while I was with my ex. So “technically” I only cheated on her one time?, one day?. I could try and justify the cheating and say it was the alcohol, a moment of weakness, that I was in heat, anything. But really, that is not how it works.
With cheating, comes an incredible amount of lying and omitting, violating your partner’s trust and the terms of the relationship. My ex did not deserve that. You did not deserve that. Once your needs are not being met in a relationship the adult thing to do is to address it, to have the open honest, painful conversation that the end is approaching. Denial has never served anyone well. I was alone in a foreign city, where I moved to be with my ex, depressed, lonely. and feeling unsupported. I developed feelings for someone else, I struggled with those feelings and I listened to my heart, not decency or common sense, and allowed myself to engage with someone else.
I have since renounced monogamy. Today, a year after being found out, (and having to move out, she kicked me out naturally) I am with two people who care for me, value me, don’t make me feel restricted and, best of all, know each other and about each other. I am being a lot more honest these days. Primarily with myself, accepting that I am not made for the stereotypical relationship that I may never have the white picket fence and the 2.2 kids. But sacrificing this fantastical notion of what a relationship should look like has allowed me to build strong REAL (not ideal) bonds with people.
You and Elise seemed to have formed a very strong bond in such a short time (You met her on Valentine’s? How romantic). I am not sure how she’s coping with your lack of trust and on-going healing process, but really it is not her job to clean up after the last mess. It’s yours. You get the broom and pick up the pieces of your soul that were scattered. You must wash them by hand and hang them out to dry. You then have to sew them back together, I warn you though, it won’t look the same. Even after ironing the last wrinkles of resentment you will be a whole new canvas.
I was tempted to tell you that you should have taken more time before committing to a new person, but I know that this is not how it works for everyone.
In actuality, it is love and not time what heals wounds.
When I think of healing, I like to think that we were born perfect. We are just trying to re-discover our heart and what it looked like before it was broken. I am just here to remind you that it is not your fault that you were hurt, that you ex’s decisions were hers to make and she selfishly sacrificed your well being for her wishes, that her lying is NOT A COMMENT ON YOUR WORTH, that you are wonderful and you are loved.
I welcome the spring with you, ready for the warmth, the flowers and the next adventure. I can sense changes coming the way flowers know it’s time to bloom. I am ready to flourish.
Love,
Nora
